NFL Preview: AFC East

Sorry to ruin the ending for everybody, but the New England Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. Not to pat myself on the back (which I can't do that well because my upper body is really inflexible), but I had the Colts winning the whole thing last year. Ok, fine! You actually want me to break down the division anyway, here we go!

AFC East

1. New England (14-2)
2. N.Y. Jets (8-8)
3. Buffalo (7-9)
4. Miami (4-12)

New England Patriots: Sure, it's ridiculously crazy to predict that a team is going to win 14 games in the regular season, but please consider:

They were a second half mini-meltdown in the AFC Championship away from going to the Super Bowl for a fourth time in six years (and probably winning) with no receivers. THEN, they added arguably the best defensive free agent in linebacker Adalius Thomas and one of the more sought after offensive free agents in Randy Moss, who I suspect will magically re-emerge now that he's not on a crappy team anymore. For good measure, the Pats also added deep threat Donte' Stallworth and underrated receiver Wes Welker.

They still have best-dressed man in the world/quarterback (pictured, left) Tom Brady, who's actually going to be entering the prime of his career and is a better quarterback than you think. I mean, I know you already think he's good because he's won so much, but he's a REALLY good passer.

They have the best coach in all of football, and there are whispers that he might be nearing the end of his run with the Pats. You just know he's going to want to win it all.

Their veterans on defense (Teddy Bruschi, Rodney Harrison, oft-injured Richard Seymour) are still at least another year away from being washed up.

Finally, as a U.S. American, how can you not root for the Patriots? (Yes, I realize it's forced, but how could I NOT work in some Ms. Teen South Carolina everywhere, like such as).

I mean why wouldn't this team go all the way and win the championship? They're used to being the team everyone wants to beat. The worst I can come up with is that I suppose they feel bad about letting kicker Adam Vinatieri go and...well, that's it.

N.Y. Jets: Ah, I wish I could give Jets fans (myself included) a bit more hope, but I just don't see them making it to the playoffs this year.

Sure they added Thomas Jones (pictured, right), who will instantly update what was a truly pathetic running game last year.

They still have the brightest young coach in the league in "Sopranos" guest star Eric Mangini. He's so good that having him will give the Jets at least three or four victories just from Mangini outsmarting and outgameplanning (that's a word, right?) his opponent.

His talent is especially apparent on defense, where the Jets often employ the "Times Square" defense where none of their guys line up and it looks like they're just wandering around. (I know that would completely screw me up).

Unfortunately, I'm still a little underwhelmed by Chad Pennington. I mean, he's a nice, solid quarterback and a terrific leader, but, with all the injuries he's gone through it doesn't seem like he's the franchise guy. He still has a weak an arm as ever and he has second year QB Kellen Clemens playing well and gaining ground.

Mostly though, I don't think the Jets will be back in the playoffs because they will be underestimated by no one and they don't have as ridiculously easy a schedule as they did last year.

Buffalo Bills: This team finished strong last year, making everyone optimistic about their prospects for this year.

The most drastic improvement, to me at least, was the play of J.P. Losman (pictured, left), who I considered to be the worst starting QB in all the NFL. He obviously heard how I felt about him and decided to have a solid season with 19TDs and 14 INTs.

For this team to succeed, though, he's going to have to be a little better than that, and he has a great, underrated target in wide receiver Lee Evans to help him accomplish that. The departure of running back Willis McGahee won't hurt as much as most people think because I believe rookie Marshawn Lynch will step in and play very well.

The defense, as usual, is solid, but unfortunately, Buffalo is still the same thing they have been every since their run of four straight Super Bowl appearances and losses — painfully middle of the row. They're not awful enough to be embarrassingly bad, but they're not good enough to get in the playoffs, or make any noise if they do.

Still, they're a good young team, that's fun to watch and competes in every game. If this team played in a sexier city than Buffalo, there'd be a little more excitement, but as it is, they'll probably just be "there" this year without making a huge impact.

Miami Dolphins: I'm surprised that more people don't think the Miami Dolphins are going to be terrible this year.

Sure, they signed Trent "One Concussion Away from the End of his Career" Green in the offseason. Unfortunately, they signed him to play behind an offensive line that couldn't really protect three different quarterbacks last year, two of which are done. To them, Green was a better option than drafting Brady Quinn, who they passed on in this year's draft, even though they clearly needed a QB. So, for two consecutive offseasons they've passed on Drew Brees and Brady Quinn.

At least if Green gets hurt they have, Cleo Lemon (pictured, right...apparently such a person DOES exist)?! To me that just doesn't sound like a real guy. It sounds like a game the computer makes up after you've played a couple of seasons on Madden and the game starts adding fake guys.

Running back Ronnie Brown will be pretty good, but the lack of weapons in the passing game will hurt him and he won't be able to reach his full potential. On a related story, if anyone sees wideout Chris Chambers, tell him he's due in Miami this year.

Their defense, led by defensive player of the year Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas, will still help carry the team, but they're a year older. As opposed to every other defense in the league, who only aged six months since last year (seriously, what does the sports phrase, "they're a year older" mean?!)

Oh well, at least no one foolishly has the Dolphins going to the Super Bowl this year, so fans won't be quite as disappointed.

NFL Preview: NFC North

A lot's happened in the sporting world since my last update. Michael Vick pleaded guilty, Brandon Webb of the Diamondbacks gave up a run, I participated in my first ever fantasy football draft and the Yankees have gone from being great to terrible to mostly good again.

Sorry for not writing in a while, but I've been busy lately with work and my family. (I know, right? "Busy at work"? The horror!) Anyway, I'm back and bloggier than ever and I'm going to wrap up my NFL preview by forecasting the two divisions I think will produce the Super Bowl participants.

NFC North

1. Chicago Bears (12-4)
2. Detroit Lions (7-9)
3. Minnesota Vikings (6-10)
4. Green Bay Packers (5-11)

Chicago Bears: Naw we, you know I mean we just (stammering)… the Bears are what we thought they were. They're what we thought they were. We've seen them in preseason, who the hell takes the third game in preseason like its f---ing bull----?! We've seen them the third game, everybody played three quarters, the Bears ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE. THAT'S WHY WE TOOK THEY DAMN FIELD! NOW IF YOU WANNA CROWN 'EM, THEN CROWN THEIR ASS, BUT THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! AND WE LET 'EM OFF THE HOOK!

I swear that's the last time I'll do that. Ok, so it probably isn't. Ah Denny Green (pictured, right), thank God I have those slightly lame Coors light commercials to keep you in my life.

Seriously though, to me, the Bears have the most talent on defense in the conference, if not the league (and apparently defense wins championships). Unfortunately, they have an offense, and a quarterback, that can help them lose a shot at the title.

I still like the Bears to roll through the division and the conference. Cedric Benson steps in the starting running back role after splitting time with the departed Thomas Jones and, though Benson does tend to whine a bit much, I expect him to have a big year. Or maybe I'm just REALLY hoping he does since he, along with Frank Gore, is in my starting fantasy football backfield for my team, the Sexy Hamburgers.

Still, all the questions surround Rex Grossman and I have the answer. It's simple, he's going to be the quarterback he was last year. He's going to look great sometimes and absolutely terrible other times. Overall the offense will be a bit better, but there will be moments when Rex kills them. The defense and a terrific special teams unit led by Devin Hester will carry them to win some games they shouldn't, and the Bears will lose in the Super Bowl.

Detroit Lions: I think the Lions will be the one team that people are talking about that could make a leap (ala the Cardinals and the Niners) who actually will. I mean, people are excited about their offense (with good reason), but in the back of their minds, they still don't really believe the Lions will do anything. They ARE the Lions after all. But I just have a feeling about them.

Not that they'll win the division or go to the playoffs or anything, but they'll be exciting to watch.
Led by offensive coordinator Mike Martz, QB Jon Kitna should put up good numbers throwing to the slightly crazy Roy Williams and rookie sensation Calvin Johnson (pictured, left). Among Williams' more off-the-wall statements was saying it was "stupid" how close the Lions were to scoring 40 points after a loss in which they scored six. He also talked of the team going on an eight game winning streak to make the playoffs, which obviously didn't happen. Still, this lunatic can play.

As can Johnson, who I'm thinking will be the offensive rookie of the year, and who better produce for the Sexy Hamburgers after I drew surprised looks for drafting him as my first receiver. At least, I'm told they were surprised looks since I couldn't make it to the draft and phoned my picks in. (I promise that's the last time I'll bring up my fantasy team in these preview columns, because I always thought it was kind of obnoxious when guys talk non-stop about their fantasy teams. I don't want to be THAT guy.)

Running back Kevin Jones starts the season injured, but the Lions picked up Tatum Bell in the offseason from Denver. He'll have a solid year, but he won't be nearly as good as he was in Denver (no running back is).

The defense, under coach Rod Marinelli, will be improved, but the Lions, as they tend to do, will fall short.

Minnesota Vikings: Their defense, particularly their run defense, was tops in the league last year, giving up a sensational 2.8 ypg average. You could move the ball on their pass defense, but they created enough turnovers to keep their team in the game.

Their running game, which was already solid, received a significant boost thanks to the addition of first round pick Adrian Peterson, who'll likely compete with Calvin Johnson of the Lions for offensive rookie of the year honors.

The only problem is that their quarterback is kind of terrible. I know he's really young, and he's only had limited playing time, but (what's a nice way of saying this?) I think Tarvaris Jackson (pictured, right) is the worst starting quarterback in the league.

He's going to be learning this year, and I'm sure he'll make a few athletic plays to get everyone excited, but in the end, he doesn't have enough playmakers to pass to, and the team doesn't have the overwhelming talent to make up for Jackson's shortcomings. I mean, at least Grossman CAN be great every once in a while, but I haven't really seen that upside from Jackson. Wow, who knew I hated Tarvaris Jackson so much. Then again, two years ago I thought J.P. Losman was the worst QB in the league.

Green Bay Packers: Imagine a big-time professional who vocally gets involved in teammates contract situations through the media, refuses to help a younger player learn the game, and selfishly holds his franchise hostage regarding his future/retirement plans, handicapping them from planning for the future and moving on or trying to win now.

Now imagine that athlete is white.

(Sorry. Can you tell I watched "A Time to Kill" recently?)

Seriously though, who else but Brett Favre could pull off all three of those stunts and remain as big a hero as he has in Green Bay and in the NFL?

He's put off his "acting" career for a while longer and is back again for another year and, though he claims it's to try to win a championship, he needs to stop smoking crack if he honestly thinks that's going to happen in Green Bay this year. Or whatever drug he's taking to make him say things like "I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumbass" in such a stilted way.

They have a promising defense led by A.J. Hawk and Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila (or KGB, one of the cooler nicknames in the NFL). However, they only have one good weapon on offense (Donald Driver) that defenses can focus in on, and no running game to speak of to help Favre out (they're going with rookie running back Brandon Jackson).

Still, Favre (pictured, left, in what will probably be pretty common body language this year) is allegedly back to win a championship. Look Favre IS an all-time great, but I just wish he would stop lying. He wants the records! This year, he's in a position to catch and pass Dan Marino for career passing yards, attempts, touchdown passes, and he has a chance to pass John Elway for most wins as a starting QB. I think it's great that Favre came back to try to break those records because he is unbelievable worthy. Just don't lie to me about it. Say what you will about Barry Bonds, but everytime he comes back, he doesn't claim it's to try to win a title. He wants to hit home runs.

Favre has been complaining about the talent around him (with good reason) and giving off this "I'm too good for this team" vibe the last few years (probably because he is) while at the same time trying to act like he's the ultimate team guy. Please, Brett, stop pretending. Wow, who knew I hated Brett Favre almost as much as I apparently hate Tarvaris Jackson?

NFL Preview: AFC North

Now this should be one of the more competitive and interesting divisions in the entire league — even with the Browns in there!

AFC North

1. Baltimore (12-4)
2. Pittsburgh (10-6)
3. Cincinnati (9-7)
4. Cleveland (4-12)

Baltimore Ravens: I made the mistake of constantly underestimating this team all of last season when I made my picks, and I'm not going to make that same error again. Still, I turned out to be right in underestimating them in the playoffs when I picked the Colts to beat them in a truly horrible playoff loss/choke job that I feel was unfairly overshadowed by the Chargers playoff loss/choke job against the Patriots.

Although they've lost LB Adalius Thomas, I don't really expect the team to skip a beat. We'll maybe they'll skip ONE beat, but then they'll figure out a way to get back on rhythm, especially since they still have the leadership of Ray Lewis ("leadership" is code for "wasn't the player he once was, but still pretty ok) another rising star at LB in Bart Scott and Ed Reed (one of the top 5 defensive players in the league).

On offense, Steve McNair resurrected his career and I believe he has two more decent years (this year and next year) left in him. Air McNair (what does that nickname even mean? McNair doesn't jump high OR throw the ball that deep! It's just a lazy play on his last name) has proven that he can play effectively through pain and he's going to have to when he gets banged up because I don't think Ravens fans are ready for Kyle Boller (pictured, left, in an image no Baltimore fan wants to see this year...playing) time!

Fortunately, the Ravens acquired Willis McGahee, who's not quite as good as he thinks he is (as is the case with most players coming out of the University of Miami except Ed Reed), but it still a significant upgrade over Jamal Lewis. Partnered with Mike Anderson, McGahee and the Ravens running game should take pressure of McNair and help the team win the division easily.

Pittsburgh Steelers: I mean, I'll come right out and say it: last year, Bill Cowher didn't really look like he gave a damn.

And, really, who can blame him? The man had just won the Super Bowl, so there was the inherent hangover effect. Then the Steelers refused to give him more money which, to be fair, is their prerogative given how they stuck with Cowher through some not so easy times. Sure, Cowher's "retirement" (till he comes back next year) was painted as a nice farewell to the Steelers, but, as with most things, it was about money.

Of course, Cowher wasn't the only one to blame for the team missing the playoffs a year after winning it all. QB Ben Roethlisberger CLEAR came back too soon from a motorcycle accident and having his appendix removed. He actually had career best numbers last year, but was WAY too wild with the ball.

Maybe it was because, having lost Jerome Bettis, the Steelers running game wasn't as effective with Fast Willy Parker running the ball on most downs. Speed isn't really Pittsburgh's game. The defense was solid and certainly didn't carry them the same way the title team's D did.

Enter new coach, actor Omar Epps, I mean Mike Tomlin, (pictured, right) formerly of the Minnesota Vikings and who I think is going to do great things for the Steelers. The loss of Joey Porter notwithstanding, this team already has most of the parts they need to get to the playoffs. They just needed a boost, or a shot in the arm, or a booster shot in the arm.

Roethlisberger will bounce back after having a not-horrific off-season, and Tomlin, a defensive guy, will have the Steelers D kicking ass again. I expect the team to grab the other wild card spot (along with San Diego).

Cincinnati Bengals: I like this team, I really do. They're one of the most fun teams to watch. At least when they can keep most of their players out of jail.

To me, Carson Palmer is the best NM-NB (NonManning-NonBrady, QB in the league and he still has receivers T.J. Houshmandzadeh (yes, I had to look it up to spell it correctly) and Chad Johnson, who has promised the return of Ocho Cinco (pictured, left). Hopefully he'll reconsider his stance on bringing the sizzlin' bacon action.

Unfortunately, the Bengals lost rookie RB Kenny Irons, who they hoped would alleviate some of starter Rudi Johnson's load this season. That means that sometime around week 9, the Johnson will either get hurt or be rendered completely ineffective and the team will go in the tank.

Sure, their defense is still atrocious and the Bengals didn't really do too much to address that fact during the offseason, but, like the Colts, the Bengals will be able to light up the scoreboard and outgun many of their opponents. Why is their defense so bad, by the way? Isn't head coach Marvin Lewis supposed to be some kind of defensive genius? It's the same thing with Tony Dungy in Indy — their defense sucks too. Actually, you see the reverse of that with offensive geniuses like Brian Billick of the Ravens and Jon Gruden of the Bucs having anemic offenses? What's the deal?!

Anyway, unlike the Colts, the Bengals will be kept out of the playoffs because they play in a much tougher division with only one guaranteed easy victory. Speaking of which...

Cleveland Browns: This team just has no hope. Right now, their starting QB's name is Charlie Frye, who just sounds like he would've been really good in…actually, that name doesn't really inspire confidence in any era. His backup is Derek Anderson, who is just as nondescript as his name. I mean, when I hear the name Derek Anderson, the Browns QB isn't even the first pro-athlete I think about. I think of this guy.

Then there's Mr. Delusional himself, Brady Quinn (pictured, right), who won the yearly "Guy who drops in the first round of the NFL Draft and sits there for over an hour trying not to look embarrassed" award. Apparently, no one sent Mr. Quinn the memo that he had NOT been picked in the top 10, as he demanded top 10 money from the Browns and held out for most of training camp, thereby significantly stunting his progress.

Fortunately for him, the team wasn't really going anywhere, so he didn't really disappoint anyone. Despite having some talent in the passing game in WR Braylon Edwards and TE Kellen Winslow III, the Browns have NO running game (signing former Raven Jamal Lewis was a great idea...five years ago!)

Most disappointing is their defense which, once again, has never come together under head coach Romeo Crennel, the defensive coordinator for those Patriots Super Bowl team. In fact, I have him as my odds-on-favorite for "first coach to be fired during the regular season."

Who do YOU think is going to get fired first? Is this the toughest division? I don't mean football-wise, I mean spelling-wise (Roethlisberger, Houshmandzadeh, etc.)

NFL Preview: AFC South

Hey, it's the division that produced last year's Super Bowl champion. How will each team fare this year? I have no idea, but I'll give it a shot!

1. Indianapolis (11-5)
2. Jacksonville (8-8)
3. Houston (6-10)
4. Tennessee (5-11)

Indianapolis Colts: It's probably harder to repeat as champion in the NFL than it is in any other sport, so the Colts would've already been facing an uphill battle.

And that was before they lost key players like the retired Tariq Gleen (who has literally watched Peyton Manning's back for most of the QB's career), Dominic Rhodes (part of the two-headed running back combo who defected to the Raiders...fool!) slot receiver Brandon Stokely and Booger McFarland (who helped shore up that awful Colts defense last year.)

Ah yes, the defense. As was the case last year, their D (particularly their run defense) is going to KILL the Colts.

Still, they have the best QB in the league in Peyton Manning (sorry Mr. Brady, but you can take solace in being the handsomest QB in the league). Once again, they'll have a tough, first-place schedule, but I don't expect that to be a huge obstacle because they've won their division the past few years, so they ALWAYS get a tough first-place schedule. In the end, Manning (pictured, right) will make more funny commercials and the offense (Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Joseph Addai, Dallas Clark, rookie Anthony Gonzalez) is still good enough to help them win their division

Jacksonville Jaguars: This was one of the hardest teams to figure out last year, and also one of the most frustrating.

Actually, they weren't THAT hard to figure out. They beat good teams (Indy, Pittsburgh before they were out of it) and lost to bad ones (Houston…twice!)

They're also frustrating because they have, not one, but TWO competent QBs on their roster in Byron Leftwich and David Garrard (they even have a decent third stringer in Quinn Gray), not one, but TWO really good running backs in Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew (MoJo!), a GREAT defense and…why did this team miss the playoffs again?!

Oh yeah, they're a bunch of knuckleheads and, although coach Jack Del Rio (pictured, left) has a overall good reputation, I think management should maybe look his way when they're trying to figure out why the Jags go to sleep against terrible teams.

The QB situation is still not resolved. Leftwich is better, but Del Rio seems to favor Garrard. I expect another up and down year which ends with the Jags home for the playoffs.

Houston Texans: They've made colossal blunders in the past few drafts (passing on the likes of Vince Young and Reggie Bush), their offensive line has been notoriously bad (credited with the failure of former 1 pick David Carr in a Texans uniform) and they haven't ever sniffed the playoffs.

But I think there's hope. They have a good young coach in former Broncos assistant Gary Kubiak, who will be in his second year, which is generally the time when teams responds to a new offensive system.

They have talent on offense, led by wide receivers Andre Johnson and Andre Davis. Their running game is still suspect at best, but new QB Matt Schaub (who I REALLY like) should help open up the running game by hitting the two Andys.

There's also the defense, which I expect to help keep the team in and win some games this year, led by last year's defensive rookie of the year DeMeco Ryans (picture, right...some love for the linebacker!) and former 1 overall pick Mario Williams, who improved toward the end of last year. This year they drafted Amobi Okoye, a 20-year-old (unheard of in the NFL) phenom who could turn out to be better than all of them.

All that being said, the reason I expect Houston to NOT finish in last place is because the...

Tennessee Titans': ...season hinges completely, maybe more than any other team relies on ONE player, on Vince Young staying healthy.

For reasons known only to them they let RB Travis Henry go, they've got no notable talent at receiver, and their defense AND special teams took major hits thanks to the assorted antics of Hall of Fame moron Pacman Jones, who got himself suspended for the entire season. Now the Titans have to hope and pray he doesn't get injured "wrestling" or hanging outside of strip clubs

Even when they had Henry and Jones around last year, it was the Vince Young show as he went 8-5 as a starter and almost willed Tennessee into the playoffs.

Unfortunately, he decided it'd be a good idea to be the cover boy for Madden '08 (pictured, left). I mean, it's official now. As per the Madden Curse, something awful will happen to Vince Young this year. Even if his legs don't spontaneously fall off, he's almost guaranteed to, at the very least, not be as good as he was last year. Don't believe me? Just ask Marshall Faulk, Donovan McNabb, Daunte Culpepper and others. There's just no way around it. And the Titans will be helpless without him.

Oh well, there's always next year.

NFL Preview: NFC West

Stupid preseason predictions!

Here I am practically gushing over Redskins QB Jason Campbell. Then I find out the next day that he injured his knee against the Steelers in their preseason game. Fortunately, it's not serious, so I don't look like a complete moron. At the risk of further embarrassing myself, I'm pushing on with my thoughts on the upcoming season.

NFC West

1. St. Louis (8-8)
2. Seattle (8-8)
3. Arizona (7-9)
4. San Francisco (6-10)

St. Louis Rams: That's right, suckas! It's my sleeper/dark horse of the preseason! It's also a REAL sleeper/dark horse, not one of those sleeper/dark horses that EVERYONE is talking about as a possible sleeper/dark horse, thereby disqualifying them from being a sleeper/dark horse.

You can't be a dark horse if everyone's talking about you. And why is a "dark horse" not expected to win. Someone show me hard numbers that say light-colored horses consistently finish ahead of "dark horses." Racists!

Anyway, I'm going with St. Louis because they play in a hella weak division (though the weak teams within the division play exciting games against each other) and because they have the second best offensive player in the league in Steven Jackson (pictured, right). This guy is BADASS. He even kinda looks like the Predator. He runs the ball like a man, and can also catch it out of the backfield giving QB Marc Bulger (who's mostly solid, 24 TDs 8 INTs last year) a good target to throw to in addition to Torry Holt, veteran (code word for old) Isaac Bruce and the talented Drew Bennett.

Their defense is suspect, and that'll hurt them, but I'm still giving them the division, almost by default, I'm just not a very big believer in the…

Seattle Seahawks: Matt Hasselbeck is one of the best QBs in the conference (but that's not saying much in the NFC) and the Seahaws will have former league MVP Shaun Alexander back. Though, he's obviously a very talented rusher, I still contend Alexander is kind of a ninny (I've seen him dodge out of bounds one too many times instead of taking a hit when he's near the sidelines.)

Seattle just feels like they peaked two years ago when they won the Super Bowl. What's that, they didn't win the Super Bowl? Oh yeah, they were on the end of some highly questionable calls by the refs and lost to the Steelers. Don't get me wrong though…it's still Seattle's fault that they lost that game in which they mostly shut down Pittsburgh, so Seahawks fan needs to stop crying about that.

I just don't really see this team getting back up to that level again. Their defense is still a weakness, they're the team everyone else in the division wants to beat (since they've won the NFC West that past few years), and they still don't really have too many people for Hasselbeck to throw to who either don't drop the ball (hello Darrell Jackson and Bobby Ingram!) or look kinda washed up (didn't you used to be Deion Branch [pictured, left, at least I think that' s him]?!)

Arizona Cardinals: I like their skill players on offense, but their offensive line is still horrendous, so that'll stop them from reaching their full potential and will keep them out of the playoffs.

Honestly, Edgerrin James looked painfully average running behind that line last year and, since he's only getting older, I don't really see him bouncing back with a big year.

Matt Leinart was up and down last year (as most young QBs tend to be) and he's got great receivers to throw to in Anquan Bolden and Larry Fitzgerald. They have a good young coach in Ken Whisenhunt, who hopefully will keep his nonsensical tirades to a minimum (actually, I hope he doesn't...I LOVE that stuff), a young defense that's getting better and I like them to make the playoffs next year (when Steven Jackson will be completely worn out and Seattle will be too old).

Mostly, I don't like Arizona for the playoffs this year because every preseason "experts" have been picking the Cardinals to have a breakout season, and every season they lay a turd. They're ALWAYS the "dark horse (pictured, right)." Since people are all excited about their bright shiny new coach this year, and Leinart being the starter since training camp, I'm betting they'll lay another egg this year.

Still, this same preseason hype phenomenon will have an even bigger effect on the…

San Francisco 49ers: EVERYBODY'S talking about the Niners winning the division, going to the playoffs and maybe even challenging for the conference title.

Slow down. I know San Fran has the best dressed coach in the league in the suited up Mike Nolan (pictured, left), but everyone should still take a deep breath. And now, relax.

I can understand people getting excited, but this is still a team led by a relatively young QB who just lost his outstanding offensive coordinator (Norv Turner). I know that Frank Gore emerged as a top 10 player in the league last year, and Vernon Davis looks like he's going to be a star at tight end.

But I still say they WAY overpaid on Nate Clements in the offseason, who went make much of a difference in a defense that was bad enough to go out and WAY overspend on Nate Clements.

Most importantly, every other team in the league watches all the NFL preview shows (and read this blog), so they know the Niners are the "it" team. They will sneak up on no one this year. They're still young though, so they'll take their lumps and come back strong next season.

NFL Preview: NFC East

This should be one of the more competitive divisions in the league. Last year, both wild card teams in the conference (Cowboys, Giants) came out of the East. This year, almost any team has a chance to compete...except for the Giants.

NFC East
1. Philadelphia (12-4)
2. Dallas (10-6)
3. Washington (7-9)
4. N.Y. Giants (5-11)

Philadelphia Eagles: This team is all set up to win the division and face off against Chicago for the conference title.

They have a terrific offensive and defensive line. They have a solid secondary featuring a couple of Pro-Bowlers. Head coach Andy Reid finally realized that he has one of the top 5 most talented running backs in the league in Brian Westbrook (who can kill you catching AND running teh ball) and that using him more than 30 percent of the time might not be such a bad idea.

I just wish Donovan McNabb (pictured, left) wouldn't whine so much of the time. He sorta whined when people fell in love with Jeff Garcia's play as he led them to their playoff run last year. He sorta whined when the Eagles drafted a QB in the second round of the draft this year. He's also coming off a knee injury, though he's ahead of schedule. The last quarterback I remember coming back ahead of schedule from a serious injury like that was Daunte Culpepper...and things didn't turn out to well for him.

Still, McNabb has a MUCH better team around him overall, full of players who are hitting their peak. I expect them to win the division over the...

Dallas Cowboys: Eh, I'm just not 100 percent convinced Tony Romo's "the guy."
I mean, sure he set the world on fire when he came in and somehow made the Pro Bowl on the strength of basically six games (before he completely went into the tank). One of those games was a Thanksgiving rout against the Bucs in which he threw five TD passes. I don't even count that game.

Personally, I think he's more the guy who's a little wild a little too often and will throw picks that'll kill his team at certain time. Fortunately for the 'Boys, former coach Bill Parcells, who Cowboy players are currently trashing since they were too scared to do so while he was actually around, left the team with more than enough talent to make up for Romo's up-and-down play.

They're stacked at receivers, with T.O (shudder)and Terry Glenn, they have a really good tight end (Jason Witten) and TWO solid running backs (Julius Jones and Marion Barber). They also have a very good defense.

Still, much like what happened with San Diego, the Cowboys lost their coach and replaced him with someone who, no offense to Wade Phillips (pictured, right) who seems like an ok guy, is inferior. If things start to go bad at any point during the season, expect the team (led by T.O.) to walk all over him. Even if that happens, I think they still have enough talent to win and snag the other wild card spot (along with New Orleans).

Washington Redskins: For too long, they've been the team that spends way too much money on big name (old, past their prime) free agents, throws them together and expects them to win.

This offseason they made the drastic choice of keeping things relatively the same and allowing their young players to play together for an extended period of time and get used to each other. What will they think of next.

Mark Brunell notwithstanding, the Redskins have a good core of relatively young guys. The most important young player is QB Jason Campbell (pictured, left), who I expect to take over the team this year. I don't expect him to set the world on fire with his stats, but I like this guy...he's just seems like a winner.

They've also still got Clinton Portis and a Hall of Fame coach in Joe Gibbs who's probably in his last year with the Skins and does NOT want to go out as a perceived failure. I don't expect this team to make the playoffs, but I do expect them to give almost anyone they play a tough time.

New York Giants: Now this is the team I expect to have a complete and utter meltdown.

It all starts with head coach Tom Coughlin (pictured, right), who all the players hate. They do. They hated him last year. Former running back Tiki Barber took shots at him all the time. Tight end Jeremy Shockey openly said his team had been outcoached at certain points. The players complain his training camp is too hard (pansies!) Last year Coughlin criticized Barber for being critical in the media, then later in the season Coughlin himself criticized several Giants players, including QB Eli Manning, to reporters after a tough loss to the Titans. The Giants hated Coughlin and quit on him LAST YEAR. So naturally, the front office brought him back.

This season has disaster written all over it. Star defensive end Michael Strahan is skipped training camp and held out for more money, I mean, contemplated retirement. Yeah, that's it! He just decided he might want to retire a few days before teh team was scheduled to start their camp. Methinks someone can sense a sinking ship and is trying to get his while he can.

And as for the aforementioned Eli. He's never gonna be his big brother Peyton, and that's fine. Peyton's gonna be an all-time great. Eli can still be a really good quarterback. Unfortunately, he's got nutcases like Shockey and receiver Plaxico Burress in his ear, and I just don't think he's going to take the big leap his team needs from him (with Barber's abscence) to be successful.

It's going to be a long, LONG, season for the Giants. They'll be entertaining to watch as they melt down though.

4 Movies in 1 Day - Part IV: The Invasion Review

This was actually the most pleasant surprise of the day.

I mean, I wasn't even sure whether I was going to have the energy or the desire to stick around and watch a fourth movie, especially when that fourth movie seemed to be a middling thriller that's been was supposed to come out last year, but was delayed until this August (never a good sign).

So what made me stick around and give it a chance? Was it the chance to see Academy Award winner Nicole Kidman do her thing? No, though I did enjoy her early scene where she was wearing a white and slightly see-through shirt and pajama bottom combo. Was it seeing new kickass James Bond Daniel Craig in his first post-JB role (though he actually completed this role before Casino Royale)?

No! It was because I'd stood out in the heat and taken the stupid picture (looking at whatever Nicole Kidman is looking at) in front of the poster and I'll be damned if I wasn't gonna use it.

So after a quick boost from Mr. Nutra Grain (I saved the last one for sometime during the flick) I strapped myself in for a film that's a remake of a remake of an adaptation of the book The Body Snatchers.

The story finds the people around a Washington D.C. psychiatrist (Kidman) not quite themselves after a space shuttle crash brings an alien organism back to Earth (why don't space shuttles ever bring anything beneficial to mankind?!) People start acting like emotionless shells of themselves and they're looking to turn as many people around to their way of thinking.

Now, this movie was a treat because it both delivered the thrills and brought up some neat, though not original (it IS a remake of a re...you know!) ideas.

Those ideas included the very nature of being a human being, and all the conflict and imperfections that come along with it. The movie has fun with the idea that when the aliens take over, many major conflicts around the world are resolved. To be quite honest, they made a compelling argument for coming around to their way of thinking.

The movie also works as a thriller echoing horror movies like the original Dawn of the Dead which introduced the idea of a conformist culture where everyone looks and acts the same way as something to be feared nearly thirty years ago. There aren't too many flashy effects, and most of the actions sequences center around good old-fashioned running away, though there is a nice car chase toward the end.

Kidman is pretty good, though I found it kind of curious that they cast an actress with kind of an ice princess vibe to play the emotional center in the film (which contrasts with all the infected). Personally I think her best bud Naomi Watts would've been a little better.

Daniel Craig isn't given much to do, but injects his underwritten role with charm and charisma, so that you care about what happens to his character. Also, in a near unprecedented triumph, Jackson Bond (cool name), who plays Kidman's son Oliver, manages to be a young child in a horror movie and NOT be a complete moron/insufferable brat. He also doesn't fall back on using that "creepy" vibe a lot of kid actors in scary movies use. Nice job kid. Seriously! Too often the kid character kills these movies.

All in all, I'm glad I stuck around. It may be because I had pretty low expectations, but I liked this movie.

And I can now say I saw four movies in one day. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go eat a full meal. Later.

The Invasion...B+

4 Movies in 1 Day - Part III: The Simpsons Movie Review

All right, I dipped into my Nutra grain stash and had just one. I wasn't really hungry, but I thought it was important for me to eat just to keep my strength up. Why am I talking like the Survivorman?

Anyway, up next is The Simpson Movie (mmm, donuts, left), the long-awaited (and creatively titled) movie adaptation of the TV show.

It was one of the funniest movies I've seen all year. The plot has the titular family cast off from Springfield after yet another one of Homer's screwups.

This movie was basically a really good episode of the Simpsons, which is both the best thing about the movie, and the one thing that keeps it from being a great film.

On the positive side, the movie DOES creatively incorporate pretty much every character that appears on the show. The animation is also expanded to the big screen in a subtle, but effective way. Still present is the show's trademark mix of two parts humor and one healthy part of heart, which makes the show special. As screwed up as they are, the Simpsons actually care about each other, and as a result you care about them and the weird people around them. That distinction is why I've never really been a "Family Guy" guy. I mean, FG is funny, but that's about it.

Another thing the Simpsons does well is incorporate its pop culture reference and sight gags in innovative ways. I particularly enjoyed a nice dig at Fox Networks tendency to overpromote their shows. Also, although I'm sure the movie went into production years ago, the story deals with environmental concerns and takes shots at our goverment, both of which are extremely en vogue now, and deals with them in a humorous way (Lisa's presentation "An Irritating Truth")

On a not so positive note, I don't feel like the movie takes full advantage of its move the big screen (the way the South Park movie did, for example). Other than Bart skating through town naked (in a very clever sequence) and Marge letting out a "goddamn", the movie doesn't really push the limits beyond a regular Simpsons episode. Then again, the show's been on for 18 years, so there's only so much they can do that would be new.

Overall, this movie is impressive because after years and years of waiting and big time expectations, the creative team delivered a movie that both satisfied hardcore fans of the show and stands alone as one of the year's best comedies.

Maybe baby Maggie had the right idea when she spoke during the credits: I'm not gonna tell you, you have to see the movie yourself!

The Simpsons Movie...A-

4 Movies in 1 Day - Part II: Rush Hour 3 Review

...and we're back!

I haven't had to dip into my Nutra Grain bar stash yet. I've got three movies to go and I have to pace myself.

Up next was Rush Hour 3 (because Rush Hour 2 left so many unanswered questions). I kid, I kid because I love. I actually REALLY enjoy Rush Hour 2.

Though Rush Hour 3 is more overtly a cash grab than most other threequels. Spider-Man 3 followed a strong second effort, as did Bourne Ultimatum. The second and third Pirates movies went hand in hand, while Ocean's Thirteen existed mostly to make up for Ocean's Twelve. As for Shrek 3…ok, so Shrek 3 was totally a cash grab too.

Still, I enjoyed Rush Hour 3. I mean, it was a bad movie. What plot existed had something to do with Carter (Chris Tucker) and Lee (Jackie Chan) tracking the Chinese Triads to Paris (obviously! Where else would the Chinese meet?)

The movie also featured Max Von Sydow, one of several actors who, when I see them onscreen I never trust them based on some past performance. This list includes James Cromwell (L.A. Confidential) Bob Gunton(Shawshank Redemption) and a few others I can't think of right now. Von Sydow's on that list for Minority Report. This guy's been around forever. I mean, he was the "old priest" in The Exorcist. That came out in 1973! (Any movie actors you just don't trust?)

Anyway, back to this junky movie. I'm not sure why, but Chris Tucker just makes me laugh. I'm 80 percent sure it's the voice. It's a shame that he only comes out from whatever rock he lives under to make Rush Hour movies. Sure, the jokes he trades with Jackie Chan are pseudo racist, but this movie, like the others in the series don't try to be anything more than escapist fun. I still don't really understand how his character can afford to wear some of the nicest suits I've ever seen, but whatever.

Jackie Chan has slowed down a bit with age, but he still pulls off some impressive stunts in the movie, including a good chase down Parisian streets with their overeager, wannabe-American French cabdriver (I enjoyed that guy) and a cool sequence at the end of the movie atop the Eiffel Tower.

It's also good to see a movie and actors (and stuntmen) not drowned in the same old special effects. That being said, I hope this is the last film in the series, because, as much as I like seeing Tucker and Chan together, they're sort of out of ideas. Where would they even go next? The Bahamas? New Jersey?

The film moved at a brisk pace (only 90 minutes), kept me entertained and made me laugh out loud a few times(Tucker mostly), which is exactly what I was looking for in an end-of-the-summer movie.

Rush Hour 3...C+

4 Movies in 1 Day - Part I: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry Review

And they said it couldn't be done.

Only a crazy person would even attempt such a severe of endurance and determination.

Actually, it turns out that it wasn't that hard (that's what she said!) All I had to do was basically sit on my ass for 380 minutes worth of movies plus previews, commercials and 4 times watching that "Bee Movie" thing where the bee blows away the guy in the sound booth which, for some reason, isn't as funny the 47th time as it used to bee, I mean, be. (Bee Movie needs to come out already!) I'd never seen more than two movies in theatres before, so I was nervous (not really).

Since I was working on Saturday, I had Friday off and I decided to grab a few Nutra Grain bars (don't laugh, they were my breakfast for two months and helped me lose 30lbs! I sound like a commercial) and head on down to the movie theatre and catch some movies I'd been meaning to watch, which doesn't explain how "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" got in there.

What happened was I looked on Fandango the night before and devised a schedule to cut down on time I'd be hanging around the lobby doing nothing and seeing "Chuck and Larry" first fit the schedule perfectly.

It wasn't my first choice, but it wasn't so bad, I told myself (that's me in the picture telling myself that it wasn't so bad). I actually enjoy most of Adam Sandler's silly comedies (Wedding Singer, Waterboy and Happy Gilmore are my favorites). That being said "Chuck and Larry" was pretty terrible.

Maybe it was because there were only two other people in the theatre (who were NOT Chuck and Larry…I checked) and comedies don't play as well when there's not a full house laughing at the jokes on a big screen. What's sad is that I actually thought of that joke ("the two people in the theatre WERE NOT Chuck and Larry!") and texted it to myself so I'd remember to use it later. I need professional help.

Anyway, you know the story. Larry (Kevin James) is a straight firefighter who asks his best friend Chuck (Sandler) to enter into a domestic partnership with him so that his kids can get his benefits following his wife's death in case something happens to him on the job. Don't worry, this makes exactly as little sense as it sounds.

Ok, here's what's wrong with the movie. First off, they draw on every single homosexual stereotype in the history of the world: gays like musicals! A gag about dropping the soap in the shower (twice!) Also, so the gays don't feel left out, the movie tosses in tired Asian stereotypes and fat jokes just for good measure.

I'm not even offended by any of that stuff. This IS a comedy, after all. The problem is that the movie tries (and fails spectacularly) to become all sentimental and meaningful as Chuck and Larry learn firsthand what it's like to be discriminated against. You can't have it both ways, movie. You can't just be really stupid and ignorant and, worst of all, predictable most of the time and then all of a sudden try to become a message movie.

Actually, you COULD have it both ways. Comedies like "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" mix VERY broad and crude humor with sweetness, but the secret is that those movies take the time to develop their characters.

"Chuck and Larry" couldn't be bothered with that. Sandler and James have decent chemistry, but Sandler's character is inexplicably a ladies' man who has slept with every woman in New York (I get that chicks dig firemen, but come on!) while James' character is sweet, but kinda boring.

That's why it makes little sense that Sandler's Chuck would fall for the lawyer (Jessica Biel) the couple hire to defend them from a fraud investigator (Steve Buscemi). I mean, Jessica Biel is hot and 40 percent of her role requires her showing off her ass, but if Chuck's already banging hot chicks, why is he in love all of a sudden. Also, I wouldn't want anyone as dumb as Biel's lawyer (who can't see they're obviously straight) to defend me.

The movie's about 20 minutes too long and, while Sandler and James connect on random jokes every once in a while (usually a throwaway line, as opposed to something that was probably actually in the script) the movie was mostly lightened up by appealing actors in small roles.

In addition to Buscemi (a Sandler movie regular), I loved seeing Ving Rhames playing the tough new firefighter, SNL's Rachel Dratch (who offered to help Larry out) and Dave Matthews (yes, THAT Dave Matthews) who didn't have any dialogue, but whose presence was so unexpected that it kinda woke me up.

Not faring so well was Rob Schneider as the aforementioned Asian stereotype (Sandler is singlehandedly keeping this guy working) with an affinity for circular metaphors (actually KINDA funny). David Spade also popped up, though given what he was wearing, I wish he hadn't. There was also Lance Bass (whose presence WAS kinda expected).

Most inexplicably of all: the "homosexicals" line from the trailer didn't even make it into the film. I mean, what's even the point of this movie without that line?

The "4 Movies in 1 Day" experiment did NOT get off to a good start, let's hope things pick up with "Rush Hour 3."

"I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"...D+

NFL Preview: AFC West

I started out with the NFC South, so why not go with the next logical division — the AFC West!

AFC West

1. Denver (12-4)
2. San Diego (11-5)
3. Kansas City (6-10)
4. Oakland (2-14)

Denver Broncos: Yes, the Broncos had a tough offseason that had nothing to do with football following the death of two of their players, Darrent Williams and Damien Nash.

They're also going to start the season with a young quarterback with only five career starts, but tons of promise in Jay Cutler (pictured, right).

So why am I picking them to win a division in which they finished third last year. Well, they're going to have a relatively easy, third-place schedule. Their defense was unbelievable for the first part of last year and seemed to kinda come apart after Mike Shannahan (one of those coaches like Mike Holmgren who is branded as a genius even though they never won anything without the likes of John Elway or Brett Favre) unnecessarily benched Jake Plummer after a 7-4 start. In hindsight, it was a good move because Cutler is more ready than he would've been, but it DID kinda kill their season last year.

Finally, the Broncos, as they always do, will be able to run the football. I'll even overlook the fact that a significant reason for their success in running the ball in the past decade is because their offensive lines are taught to cut block.

So, the Broncos: Easy schedule + (very good defense + great running game) = division title.

San Diego Chargers: Ah, San Diago, that glorious city named after a whale's vagina. I looked it up, it's true. Last we saw them, they were crying because some Patriots players were mocking Chargers star Shawne Merriman's "lights out" dance on the Chargers field after San Diego threw that playoff game (AND the season, AND Marty Schottenheimer's coaching career) away.

So these fools lost their composure during the game, and then they cried because someone dared to mock their 'roided-out player's stupid dances. Now comes the news that he's not planning to do the dance at the beginning, but may bring it back at some point. Yipee! The only thing worse than "lights out" was the stupid "jumpshot" celebration the Giants adopted last year. I mean, I don't mind dancing at all, just don't cry about it after you get served.

Also, why does no one seem to care that Merriman (pictured, left) tested positive for steroids?

(Quick rant alert!) I know a lot of people regard him as the best defensive player in the league, but the guy got caught and suspended for using steroids (excuse me, a banned substance). It was no accident that I flatly stated Julius Peppers was better because as far as I know he's not a stinky cheater (though admittedly the Panthers don't have the best track record when it comes to these things). People slam guys like Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire who never tested positive for steroids in their life, but give Merriman a pass. I think they should all be slammed equally. (end of rant)

For extra fun, in addition to firing the head coach, the Chargers lost their offensive and defensive coordinator. Instead they have Norv Turner and his 58-82-1 career record.

Regardless, this team DOES have way too much talent to go completely in the toilet. I expect LT to have another monster year, Phillip Rivers to continue to improve, Merriman to continue to dance and the Chargers to be a wild card team.

Kansas City Chiefs: They smartly let Trent Green go. Green is a solid QB whose best days are clearly behind him and he's also a concussion away from being completely done.

In his place, they have Damon Huard who more than ably filled in for Green last year with 11TDs and only 1 INT. So coach Herman Edwards, who allegedly plays to WIN THE GAME (hello!) decided to bench Huard and go with Green when the later came back from injury. Edwards and Green also went on to completely botch their winnable first-round game against the Colts.

Though Edwards ran Larry Johnson to the ground last year, he gave up on the run remarkably easily against a Colts team who'd been terrible against the rush all season.

Speaking of Johnson, I fully expect him to be completely worn out this year, a problem that'll only partially be solved by the return of Priest Holmes this year. The thing is Johnson also fully expects himself to be completely worn out this year, which is why he's holding out for more money while he can still get it. Unfortunately, the Chiefs also know that Johnson (pictured, right, out of uniform so Chiefs fans get used to this sight once he's hurt) is about to be worn out, which is why they're not paying him.

The Chiefs D is slightly improved under coach Edwards, but it's still not good enough. They will also miss the departure of two future Hall of Famers on the offensive line (Will Shields and William Roaf). As a result, they will miss the playoffs.

Oakland Raiders: How pathetically bad was this team last year? They had 12 TD passes on offense...for the entire season. For those of you scoring at home, there are 16 games in an NFL season. Though I'm not sure why you'd be sitting at home scoring off a blog.

They also boasted one of the worst offensive lines ever, which gave up a league high 72 sacks. To add to the fun, they no longer have Randy Moss (who openly didn't give a damn) and Jerry Porter openly laughed at his teammates last year when they were getting crushed. Sorry, I have to be more specific — when they were getting crushed by the Chargers.

They drafted 1 overall, but their pick is holding out and looks like he probably won't be able to play this year. To make up for it, they have Josh McCown (whenever you have to go to a McCown, things haven't worked out the way you wanted) and signed Aaron Brooks: The Sequel, I mean, Daunte Culpepper (pictured, left).

But hey, the defense wasn't half bad last year. Actually, I happen to think the Raiders defense and their stats were a little overrated last year because, after many teams built large leads on Oakland last year, they would pretty much go to a conservative game plan. Also, I'm not really sure how they'd react in a pressure situation, but fortunately Oakland won't have their problem. They're ok, but they're not THAT good. I'm particularly impressed by Warren Sapp, who was supposed to be washed up about 4 years ago, but continues to play solid football.

Too bad it's for the worst team in the league.

NFL Preview: NFC South

Now that every team has played one game during the NFL Ripoff Season, I mean Preseason (honestly, they charge people full price to watch glorified practice...we're talkin' about practice...and season-ticket holders have no choice but to pay this...I'm not even a season-ticket holder and I'm outraged!)

What the hell was I even saying? Oh yeah, I've decided that it's time to start on my yearly NFL Preview for the upcoming season. And by "yearly," I really just mean "second."

I'm going to break this thing down by division, starting with the one nearest and dearest to my heart (and nearest and dearest geographically), the NFC South. Breakdowns of the other divisions will follow between now and...sometime before the season starts...I hope. I'm a huge slacker. For example, I'm going to be predicting records for each team and I'm not even going to bother and check whether they're mathematically possible and symmetrical with each team's schedule (too much work, and I'd rather let someone smarter than me do that). I mean, it's not like I'm going to be predicting 15 wins for four teams, so I think it'll be fine.

All right, let's get this party started!

NFC South

1. Carolina (10-6)
2. New Orleans (9-7)
3. Atlanta (5-11)
4. Tampa Bay (4-12)

Carolina Panthers: They had an off-year last season, and recent history says every time the Panthers have an off year they come roaring back the following season like the fearsome felines they are.

Maybe they just couldn't handle the pressure of being THE trendy Super Bowl pick. In fact, yeah, I'm pretty sure that was it. Sure, they had some injuries (but so does EVERY NFL team, so unless it's a catastrophic injury, that'll never be used as an excuse in this column), but this team still played pretty poorly last year. Jake Delhomme particularly went in toilet last year. He had some injuries (oh wait, that's no excuse!) but to me, he's always been a little too wild for my taste and he's gotten a little lucky. Last year it finally caught up with him.

This year, the Panthers have David Carr, who is a terrific upgrade over 57-year-old Chris Weinke, in case Delhomme starts to go in the tank again. They still have a great running game, a coach who could be fighting for his job (and seems to be liked by his players), Steve Smith, one of the most dynamic players in the league, and a solid defense that, while not as dominant as before, is still led by the best defensive player in the league, Julius Peppers (pictured, left). I expect them to bounce back and win the division.

New Orleans Saints: I like the Saints and I loved watching their success last year in their first season back in New Orleans following the devastation by Hurricane Katrina. You'd have to be a heartless bastard not to.

They still have a very good offense and a decent, but unspectacular defense. They didn't make any significant changes in the off-season (and why would they, since they were one game away from the Super Bowl) and I expect Reggie Bush (pictured, right) to have a bigger impact this year now that he has a feel for the league. He got a lot of hype last year, but he was merely ok, and we only saw flashes of his talent (although the first of those flashes naturally came against the Bucs).

So why don't I have them repeating in their division? Because this year they will sneak up on absolutely no one. This year they have the attention of every team they play. Finally, though the still-devastated city of New Orleans loves its Saints, I don't think the home crowd will be able to carry them to home victories quite the same way they did last year.

Still, I expect them to grab one of the wild card spots and be back in the playoffs.

Atlanta Falcons: Ok, ok, so apparently something happened to their original starting quarterback Michael Vick. You may have heard about it. (that's another column for another day) With Vick likely gone for the season while he possibly faces a federal trial on dog-fighting charges, why don't I have the Falcons going 0-16? He's their best player and one of the best in the league right?

Look, I never liked Michael Vick(pictured, left). And that was before I found out that he's the proprietor of a truly revolting activity like dogfighting...allegedly. He just always struck me as a fool. He had all the physical ability in the world, but it seems to me like he never took the time to become a good NFL quarterback. He just thought he would outrun everybody.

Even though the Falcons foolishly traded promising backup Matt Schaub away RIGHT before the trouble with Vick started (oops!), I firmly believe the Falcons would've been better off without him anyway.

Not that Joey Harrington is the answer. I mean, he's still Joey Harrington, so I see this team topping out at around 5 wins. But I personally think they're going to band together because of all the off-the field controversy, play hard and be more competitive in each of their games than anyone might expect. It helps when you have a good defense (which they do) and a good running game (they have two good backs, who will suffer without Vick being there, but they're still good backs) because that's what football's all about. The Falcons and their fans should join me in saying "good riddance" to Michael Vick.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Ah, such conflicting emotions about my favorite team. Yes, they got Jeff Garcia in the offseason (along with 22 other QBs) and he IS the best fit for this team and Jon Gruden's offense this year. That'd be all fine and dandy if the Bucs had a shot at going to the Super Bowl and Jeff Garcia was the guy that put them over the top, but the truth of the matter is that even if Jeff Garcia IS the difference, the best this team can still do is probably a first-round playoff loss.

Garcia is a good player, but he's 37 and he's not any kind of long-term solution and his signing reeks of Jon Gruden's desperation to save his job (the Bucs long-term ability to compete be damned!) Did I mention that he's 37? I expect him to be injured around game 7 (the Bucs offensive line is nowhere near as good as Garcia's Eagles line last year) and then we'll be screwed, although Luke McCown HAS looked good in the preseason and might actually be the future. But we'll never know because Gruden is too busy trying to save his job.

They drafted defensive end Gaines Adams, finally adding some young talent to the defense (they have SOME young players, but not so much on the talent), but it's too late. The defense isn't really good enough to win anything this year.

Also, Cadillac Williams is looking more and more like a one-year wonder. What the hell happened to that guy? So, to summarize we won't be able to run the ball, we won't be able to defend, and our QB will be out by game 7.

I hate to be the guy that roots against his own team, but a small part of me kinda hopes the Bucs go in the tank so they can already fire Gruden (pictured, right). The guy is supposed to be some sort of offensive genius, but all he's done is waste draft picks and free agent signings on the offensive side of the ball, while consistently producing one of the league's lower-ranked offenses. Meanwhile, the defense got old and wasn't able to clean up after the offense anymore. There's all that, and the fact that his players seem to hate him (seriously, ask Simeon Rice, Keyshawn Johnson, Keenan McCardell, or anyone else how they feel about the guy).

So, in short, if we win, we won't be good enough to make any real noise and I'll probably have to put up with Gruden for another season or two. If we lose, then we, you know, suck! Woo hoo! Bucs Fever! Catch it!

What John Thinks...of Barry Bonds Breaking the All-Time Home Run Record

Well, it finally happened.

Much to the dismay of many baseball fans, Barry Bonds did not blow out his knee bumbling around in left field, nor did he retire at 755 career home runs, nor did he slip in the shower and hit his 'roided-up, oversized head on the side of the tub thereby putting him out for the rest of the season.

None of those things happened before he became the all-time home run king.

In a perfect world, Barry Bonds hitting career home run number 756 would be unanimously celebrated, as would be the man who achieved that titanic accomplishment. I always thought I'd remember where I was when someone broke the all-time home-run record.

Then again, we don't live in a perfect world, so I'm not really sure why everyone is so surprised/saddened that this record is clouded in controversy. In addition, I think I'll eventually forget that I was in my room in St. Pete JUST about to go to sleep a few minutes before midnight when the record-breaking home run happened.

I mean, even when my boy Alex Rodriguez breaks this record in the next decade, who knows what kind of allegations they'll be lobbing his way by that time. That and the fact that everyone (including a good portion of Yankee fans) hates the guy.

But nevermind that, we're talking about Bonds here. It's my first sports-related column in a long time, but I AM what you'd call a sports freak and I've been following the chase nearly every step of the way. As someone that REALLY hates cheaters, I have to say, I'm not nearly as outraged as I thought I would be.

Also, one-sentence paragraphs in sports columns are dramatic.

You see everyone's running around, being all outraged and saying that Bonds isn't the real home run champion, and that they should place an asterisk next to his name, and so on and so forth. Well, let's be realistic here, the asterisk thing isn't gonna happen. I mean it's just not. If you're gonna put an asterisk on Bonds, then you have to put an asterisk on nearly every significant player of this era who we're pretty sure have used steroids (Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, etc.) and some that, when you REALLY look at their situations, probably have (Roger Clemens).

Baseball will never do this because, well, they benefited greatly from the home run explosion in the mid-to-late-90's when the sport was hurting for fans following the strike. I would never say the steroid problem it was baseball's fault (or the media, or managers or owners) because that lets off the hook professional baseball players who are adults and made the decision to use a substance that, while it wasn't being tested for in the sport, was illegal and, you know, wrong. I can understand why players did it because they wanted a competitive advantage, but it's still, you know, wrong.

Then again, attendance at ballparks IS at an all-time high, TV ratings are healthy, and there were tens of thousands of (admittedly biased) fans in San Francisco that didn't seem to mind Barry breaking the record. I mean, hey...I like watching home runs, and so do a lot of other people. They're slightly more electrifying than a sacrifice fly or grounding to the right side of the infield when there's a man on second to move him over to third.

Still, the main reason I'm personally not outraged is because this is baseball — a sport more obsessed with numbers than any other. And the real records are there, and always will be there. To me, personally, Hank Aaron will still be the all-time home run king, the same way Roger Maris is still the single-season home run king with 61.

That being said, you can't completely discount what Bonds and other players of this era have done and will do. Bonds, specifically is just too great of a player...look at the numbers (2,900+ hits, 756HRs, 7 MVPs, almost 2,000RBI, etc). He's a brilliant player. He's not just some flash in the pan who bulked up and had three or four great seasons. You HAVE to be an all-time great to hit 756. This is not something you do by accident. You don't sneak up on 756! Also, while everyone wants to focus on the heavy hitters, there have been a fair share of pitchers who have been busted for using banned substances as well.

It's just that Bonds (and McGwire and Sosa and A-Rod and Albert Pujols, as well as several pitchers) will have done it all during an era where steroid use was rampant. They're all a product of their time, the same way certain pitchers back in the early 20th century racked up an insane number complete games and wins during the dead ball era when offensive production wasn't what it is today. They're a product of their time, the same way Babe Ruth was because he never had to contend against minority players during his career.

It's a different game now and, whether you like him or not (I personally don't like him because Bonds seems to be an egotistical and rude jackass), Bonds is the best player in baseball...or at least what's become of baseball.

The Bourne Ultimatum Review

Matt Damon is badass.

I know that's not much of a stretch to think of these days after two successful outings as superspy Jason Bourne, but let's remember that this was a guy who, right before the release of "The Bourne Identity" headlined a movie called "All the Pretty Horses."

In that time, Bourne's become the go to franchise for "realistic" action, and it could be said it's grittier approach to the spy genre inspired the newest Bond movie "Casino Royale."
Now comes the third film in the Bourne series, "The Bourne Ultimatum", which, doesn't exactly offer anything new (this IS a part 3, after all) and to me is basically a slightly improved remake of "The Bourne Supremacy"(which I liked a lot).

This time, the amnesiac assassin is back to find out where he came from and who created him. During his travels through Moscow, London, Morocco and New York, there's a great hand to hand fight that rivals the magazine beatdown in "Supremacy" and a rough, bone-crunching car-chase that would've surpassed the one in "Supremacy" if Bourne had maybe walked away with a little more than a scratch on him. Also, I never exactly got what the Bourne "ultimatum" actually was (same as I never got what the Bourne "supremacy" was supposed to mean)

If I'm drawing comparisons between the two later films in the franchise it's because they're both directed by the gifted Paul Greengrass. I hear a lot of people complain about the shaky camera work, even going so far as saying that it literally made them sick. I can honestly say that this has never been an issue for me, so I've never really paid much attention to that criticism. In fact, I think Greengrass's camera work is fantastic and it serves a purpose, making the audience feel the heightened anxiety the Bourne character feels 24/7.

The technique is especially effective during a great sequence where Bourne has to keep a journalist safe in a busy train station by communicating with the man via cell phone.
Matt Damon again is impressive as Bourne, giving the great majority of his performance through Bourne's taut, compact and lethally effective physicality. He doesn't have too much dialogue or clever punchlines to fall back on.

New to the franchise is David Straithairn, as the obligatory middle-aged government official (following Chris Cooper and Brian Cox) who's always one step behind Bourne.

Returning are Joan Allen and Julia Stiles, both good actresses who aren't given much to do, but find ways to shade their performances to make their characters interesting. Allen displays some vulnerability (and a conscience) through the tough veneer her job requires, while Stiles hints at a past connection her and Bourne might've had.

This is the best action movie of the summer (sorry, "Live Free or Die Hard") and it's got a satisfying ending that nicely bookends with the way the Bourne series started.

This is the rare big-budget franchise that has gotten better with each outing. To me, "Identity" was a B, "Supremacy" was a B+, so...

"The Bourne Ultimatum"...A-.