Hell's Kitchen: Pizza Doh!

For such a routinely outrageous show that usually features more *expletives deleted* per hour than any other show on prime time network TV and one or two emotional meltdowns per week, last night's episode was sort of — boring.

I mean, last night's continuation of "Hell's Kitchen" didn't even begin (or continue) with Ramsay cursing as the chef's as they took their walk of shame to their rooms. Instead we got Ben crying about how hard Chef Ramsay is on him — this from the man who would go on to say hates people who act like "whiny little bitches."

Vanessa was also back from the hospital and told her fellow competitors that her hand would need plastic surgery. To their credit, neither her teammates nor her opponents on the blue team made any snide comments about Vanessa's injury, since the weepy woman (pictured, right) hadn't really pissed anyone off yet.

The next morning, Chef Ramsay wanted to show the contestants about turning something ordinary into something obscenely overpriced and introduced them to his $200 gourmet pizza. Nevermind the fact that it didn't look appetizing — there's just no way I would ever pay more than $25 for one pizza.

Ramsay challenged each member of each team to use a great variety of expensive ingredients to make their own fine dining pizza. Each team would then pick one pie and present it to Ramsay. The women made the controversial decision of actually talking to each other and communicating, while on the men's side, nobody seemed to want to pay attention to Matt.

Then again, given the fact that everything Matt's made this season has made someone throw up, I'm not really sure it matters. While the women quickly settled on Jen's pie, the men took longer to arrive at his decision. For some reason, Matt was offended that Ben didn't like his gag-tastic creation, Louross got offended after Ben said his pie was too "Pizza Shack" (I missed the part where Ben was put in charge), and I'm not even sure Petrozza finished his in time, so they went with Ben's creation.

When Ramsay complimented both Jen and Ben's pizza's, I thought his cruel torture of Ben might actually be over, until it was revealed that Ben didn't properly wash the mushrooms (apparently, when Ramsay orders a pizza, he tells them to hold the dirt) and the women won.

Matt, and his weird eyebrows slammed Ben and made that hilarious "I just smelled/tasted a fart" reaction shots. This guy is really stepping up in terms of comedy with his out-of-whack palate and facial expressions. He looks like Sam the eagle, from the Muppets.

At the same time, Ben, who I thought was one of the stronger male contenders, just keeps getting worse and worse. Sure, Ramsay IS definitely targeting him more than say, Petrozza, but Ben was just annoying yesterday, scolding Louross for showing emotion and crying and generally acting like a know it all. My favorite part was when he dissed Louross's Mohawk — said the man with the FAUX-hawk.

After their third consecutive lame/forgettable reward ("Ooh, a $90 slider hamburger I can get for a few bucks at White Castle"), it was almost time for the dinner service. Before that though, Vanessa had a heart to heart with Chef Ramsay and decided to quit, I mean, leave, since she couldn't perform to her full capacity. Look, I'm not going to criticize Vanessa for being weak (I would've been crying like a Louross if I'd been burned), but I can't say I'll miss her because she was mostly weepy and uninteresting. During her "emotional" exit, I found myself wondering what Chef Ramsay does in that office of his when he's not accepting resignations from weepy contestants.

Anyway, in one of the evening's more pointless subplots during dinner service Ben was picked to make pizza deliveries in a stupid looking golf cart Jean-Philippe crashed into the curb.

Although he only made one delivery, the golf cart detail was a blessing in disguise for Ben, who wasn't in the kitchen to mess up. Instead it was Matt (as usual) and Louross screwing the pooch. Fortunately, Petrozza did the most "ghettoest thing ever" to cover up Louross' burned streak, and General Bobby took over and calmed things down. When Petrozza and Bobby are your calm voice of reason, your team is in trouble.

On the women's side, the red team had taken an early lead, before Roseann had a meltdown on the vegetable station. After Jen took over, the only minor mishap was Christina having issues at the dessert station, which were cleared up by BFF Corey.

While it was nice to see each team complete a dinner service for a change, it made for an uneventful sequence of events. Honestly, it looked like the editors (and Ramsay) played up Roseann's struggles just to create drama. Ramsay was yelling at her, but he wasn't really into it.

Since no one lost, each team was to nominate one person. There was early talk of making the shocking decision to nominate the worst person from each team (Matt and Roseann) before Ben (exerting his huge inexplicable influence) convinced the team to nominate Louross. The red team (mostly Jen and Corey) decided that Christina had to go. Honestly, what's the deal with Christina? From what I've seen, she's neither brilliant nor horrible, and she doesn't really get into any major confrontations. Why does everyone want her out?

Ramsay was disappointed at the choices, but instead of flipping the script and putting the worst people on the chopping block, he disappointed me by saying no one would be leaving "Hell's Kitchen" thanks to Vanessa's departure, making for an anti-climactic ending.

So what'd you think of this episode? Is Jen getting too cocky? Which Muppet does Matt remind you of? Finally, who's the mystery chef showing up next week? (It's SO Waffle House Julia from last year, right?!)

American Idol: Diamond and the rough

"I feel like your usual charm wasn't in this column. It kind of left me a little empty. Your recap of Neil Diamond night made me feel like you're not fighting hard enough." – Paula Abdul on the Neil Diamond night recap I haven't written yet.

We all saw what happened so let's just jump right into it. It was revealed last night that Paula has the ability to see into the future (maybe she's able to send her consciousness back and forth in time ala "Lost") and decide that she doesn't like performances even before they actually take place.

The revelation came during a funky Neil Diamond performance week that featured several strong if unremarkable musical performances, but was derailed as soon as Ryan announced at the top of the show that the judges would not be commenting until the "Idols" finished their first song.

I was a fan of this strategy right off the bat. The show had to cram 10 performances into a little over an hour (actually closer to 45 minutes when you factor in commercials), and I thought taking the judges (2 out of three of whom are utterly useless) out of the equation until the very end would be interesting. For better or worse (ok, usually worse) I thought it was kind of cool that the musical performances were allowed to stand on their own for a bit before artificially being propped up by or cruelly torn down by the judges and viewers had to figure out who they liked on their own.

Then again, the disaster that quickly ensued probably shows why the show hasn't changed a whole lot in seven years. The most troubling consequence from Paula's mistake is that she appeared to be reading notes when she critiqued Jason's yet-to-happen second song and quickly tried to cover up by saying that she was looking at notes for David Cook.

So if Paula already has notes (or a script) regarding what she's going to say about a musical performance that hasn't happened yet, she's either got her own preconceived notions or she's getting a script to recite from producers. I know we all joke about the show maybe being fixed and CERTAINLY spotlighting certain contestants and pushing them toward the finals, but if the judges are actually being told what to say regardless of what kind of performance the competitors put on, then it's very troubling. We Americans can deal with people who have drug problems, DUI's, etc. But we REALLY hate it when people cheat and, specifically, when things are proven to be fixed. Much less the most popular show in the country.

Then again, Paula's rough night could've been a result of her acting like her loopy self and thinking Jason had sung twice (I'm not really buying that explanation though).

If nothing else, Paula's huge mistake served as a highlight/lowlight for a mostly meh Neil Diamond night. Not that it's Neil's fault. Like Mariah and Andrew Lloyd Webber before him, Diamond (and his weird eyebrows) seemed genuine and helpful.

The problem started right off the bat with Jason who performed a pleasant, but predictable "Forever in Blue Jeans", then followed it up with a downright sleepy "September Morn." Those two performances were just like every one of his finals performances (maybe Paula didn't need to see the future to guess how he'd perform) and Simon was right to call him out — you've gotta do better if you're in the final five.

Jason's "I don't give a damn" attitude is locked in a fierce battle with Brooke's slow descent into a nervous breakdown. She was able to remember her lyrics this week, but Simon was absolutely right in calling her "I'm a Believer" a nightmare. The song was too low for her, and I felt embarrassed for her watching her shake like a leaf, I mean, dance, and pretend to have fun. Her "I am, I said" was a big improvement, but I'm not sure if it's good enough to earn her a spot in the final four.

Actually, I'm betting it is because, while Syesha was probably the strongest vocalist last night, I'm picking her to finally be sent home. Or hopefully, she'll be sent to Broadway since that's where the judges (or at least the people writing their scripts) seem intent on having her wind up. Her "Hello Again" was clearly the best vocal of the night, and she wisely switched it up with the up-tempo "Thank the Lord for the Night Time." I hope I'm wrong, and she gets another week. Simon telling her she might be in trouble is actually encouraging, I think, because (as he probably knows), it'll inspire her fans to vote. Unfortunately, I don't think she has enough fans to get her through.

Then there are the two David's, who, again, took wildly different routes.

Archuleta predictably picked, arguably, the two most popular (and cheesy) songs in the Diamond catalog — "Sweet Caroline" and America", and Archuleda'd them up. Honestly, how he managed to make songs that were already cheesy, even more so is so astonishing, that I actually enjoyed his take on "Caroline" a lot (even with all the unnecessary runs). As far as "America" — I wasn't feeling it as much, and kind of switched off mentally at such an obvious ploy to play up for patriotic votes. I liked him better last week when he reinvented "Think of Me" from "Phantom", even if he forgot the lyrics.

Finally, David Cook is, by far, the contestant who already looks like a professional, chart-topping musician. He took two obscure Neil Diamond songs ("All I Really Need is You" and "I'm Alive") and made them sound like they'd fit right into an album he'd put out in a few months. His vocal wasn't as strong as last week, but he brought back the rock grittiness to his tone and just looked the part of a star.

Hmm. David Cook rocked two performances, Archuleta was cheesy, Syesha got no love, Brooke was jittery and Jason replayed the same performance he's been doing all this time — maybe I could've taken a cue from Paula and written this column before Tuesday night's performances.

So what'd you think of this episode? Was Paula's flub an innocent mistake or proof that the show is fixed? Finally, who do you think is going home tonight?

Dancing with the Stars: Ladies and the Cramp

Well that was certainly an action-packed episode of "Dancing with the Stars."

With six celebrity contestants left — three males, three women (how perfectly neat — not that I'm implying this show is fixed AT ALL) — some competitors put on some of their best work, some were overscored and some were underscored.

If you don't think that ABC and the show's producers are angling for a Jason Taylor/Kristi Yamaguchi finals, I don't know what show you've been watching.

How else to explain the nearly tragic underscoring of both of Mario's dances last night. This is the same guy who got a 27 last week and found himself in the bottom two. Obviously, it's someone the fans haven't warmed to for whatever reason (he's too young and people think the competition is easy for him, people just don't like Karina) and the show seems to want him out of there as soon as possible.

Which is a shame, because I thought he was RIGHT THERE with Kristi and Jason as the best overall performer last night. The judges slamed his fox trot for not being elegant when I thought he oozed elegance and smoothness and told him that Latin dancing was more his style. So after whipping out a frenetic and extremely challenging (and red-hot) mambo, the judges praised him, but stopped short of showing him some "10" love.

This just in — the judges (or Len at least) DO have paddles below the number 9 available for use when Kristi dances as evidenced by DANCMSTR slapping her with two eights for her waltz and cha cha cha. After a rehearsal package on an ice rink that thrilled my girlfriend Erica and millions of other Yamaguchi fans by allowing us to see her skate (if only for a bit), she decided to up the difficulty level a bit, by performing a lovely waltz with a sparkly umbrella in her hand for the first 20 seconds or so. Since she's so technically perfect and is not a person that HAS to resort to props (*cough* Corolla), I like that she did it anyway. Len? Not so much.

The Brit was still cranky during her upbeat and entertaining cha cha cha, nsisting that there wasn't enough cha cha cha (I sort of agree with this point) and too much boogaloo hip-hop. Thankfully, Tom jumped in before he said something REALLY racist.

Methinks, the judges collectively decided to bring Kristi back to the pack a bit and make Jason look like a legitimate contender for this season's crown (which, if you read this column, you know I think he is).

Fortunately, he backed this up with some good dancing (and mild posing) last night. Both his quickstep and his paso doble were frenetic and immensely entertaining. The quickstep included paper tossing and (thankfully) enough content to earn Jason two 10's, while the paso doble, awesomely set to the "Monday Night Football" team, and featuring Edyta in Dolphins gear (hoodie included!) was the hottest of hot messes. The dancing wasn't nearly as good as it was in his first routine, but the sheer chessiness and showmanship captured what this show is about more than any other dance this season.

Hopefully, now that someone (Jason) finally overtook Kristi in the overall standings (by a whole point!) the show will stop painting her as a dancing machine that has to be slain (did I really just use "slain" in a column?)

All of that and I haven't even mentioned the sad case of Cristian de la Fuente (pictured, right, with Cheryl Burke). To be honest, I didn't really care for the guy in the beginning, but with a few solid ballroom performances in the past week (and his adorable daughter in this week's rehearsal footage), I've warmed on the guy. Which made his muscle cramp during his samba such a shame. You could see how devastated (and a little embarrassed) he looked.

As far as his dancing, I thought that his waltz was a little sleepy and plain and his samba (before the injury) was a bit too reminiscent of the old, mediocre Cristian (but with better hip action). In some perverse way, I think his injury will help him by encouraging his fans to vote and bring him back (which is good because he deserves to come back).

That means, if Mario doesn't get the boot that either Marissa or Shannon is going home. I hope it's not Marissa because she's gotten better each of the last three weeks (who else can say that?) She was a huge disappointment to me earlier in the season, but after toning down the spazziness and (hello) improving the dances, I've started pulling for her.

Her tango was sharp and impressive and, as Len said, her. best.dance., and her rumba was a little slow and sleepy with not enough hip action. Then again, I think every rumba is a little slow and sleepy. I wish the judges would explain exactly what they want out of a rumba.

Finally, there's Shannon and Derek, who were coming off a mini-meltdown in which they got all in the judges faces for being too hard on Shannon for her lack of hip action and, in Derek's words, not pointing out the heel leads and janky lines of other couples (Ok, he probably didn't say "janky", but he was thinking it.)

It would've been nice if Shannon had danced a little better to back that up. After yet another rehearsal package in which they acted like a couple (this time, bickering instead of lovey dovey), Shannon actually turned in a fun tango that was a little on the stiff side, but one of my favorite performances of the evening. There were a few mistakes, but the two were definitely invested in their characters, which is crucial in the tango.

Too bad, she had to come out and do such a crappy job on their mambo, which was the worst dance of the evening. And, yes, I'm saying it's even worse than Cristian's, in which he had to stop due to injury. Shannon was back to her old gangly self, hopping awkwardly all over the place. The judges inexplicably gave her straight eights, when that dance was screaming "7"! I guess they were mesmerized by her fake butt and "fake everywhere", according to Shannon.

So what'd you think of this episode? If he's able to perform, does Cristian deserve to be back next week? Why was Mark wearing a military uniform during his waltz with Kristi? Are the judges underscoring Mario or scoring him right where he should be? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I'm going with Shannon)

Desperate Housewives: Tom Didn't Start the Fire

As hard of a time as I give the character of Mike Delfino (and actor James Denton), I have to say — they both stepped up last night.

Don't get me wrong — I'm not shoving an Emmy in Denton's hands, but the handling of the "Mike Got Run Over by an Orson" subplot was very well done in an episode that actually did a lot of things right.

We'd seen from the previews that Mike was going to confront Orson about running him over, and it was a pleasant surprise for me to see this happen relatively early in the episode (as opposed to having it serve as a cliffhanger). We found out that Orson admitted everything to Mike, seemed contrite and Mike wanted to forgive him. At first, this seemed like a huge letdown when you consider that Mike almost died (and when you consider that we're watching "Desperate Housewives"), but if you think about it, it actually makes sense. Mike's had to atone for his own criminal and questionable behavior in the past, so it was unexpected (but right in line with the character) to forgive Orson.

Of course, Susan wasn't so quick to forgive Orson, and part of that may have been Mike's slightly blasé attitude/Denton's lax acting about the whole situation (my only critique about his performance last night). After storming into Bree and Orson's house (and running through the streets of Wisteria Lane while busting out of her bed clothes for the umpteenth time), she eventually decided to forgive Orson in a nice little scene with Bree.

The only problem was that Bree herself wasn't ready to forgive Orson, and he packed his bags and left the house. Again, for a character who is obsessed with appearances (how could she have a guy who ran over her friend's husband around — it's so humiliating?), this seemed like another move consistent with the character — which we don't always get on this show. I'm guessing she's going to be visiting that closet with all her bottled-up feelings pretty soon.

I wish we could get a little of that in the Gabby/Carlos storyline. I can see where the writers are trying to show how blindness affects more than the person suffering from the affliction in a comedic way, but instead of sympathizing with each person, I just alternate who I'm annoyed with more from week to week.

Actually, last night, I was annoyed with both Gabby AND Carlos. I get that Gabby is a princess (expecting the dog to do household chores was amusing), but actually stooping to engage in a battle of wits with Roxy and trying to get rid of her was a bit too much and made her come off like too much of a shrew. I wasn't this annoyed with her when she faced off against that bitchy wheelchair guy last week (probably because Roxy was a LOT more adorable). Carlos, on the other hand, was just being an idiot, putting his wife (who he knows requires a lot of attention) on the backburner, and choosing her over a dog in bed. Things aren't great when Edie shows up as the voice of reason.

Still, Gabby and Carlos' problems (stop yelling at and hitting the blind guy) are nothing compared to what Tom and Lynette have ahead of them. After a great little montage of Lynette seeing through Tom's lies (LOVED his high pitched denial about checking out the jogger), Lynette became convinced Tom had set fire to Lynette's place. The fact that Rick (but not the police?) found a "Scavo's" matchbook outside his torched restaurant didn't help. Then again, we all knew it wasn't Tom, because they were SO obviously making it look like it was him, that he couldn't possibly have done it. The two men eventually became engaged in a fight that rivaled the Hugh Grant/Colin Firth throwdown in "Bridget Jones' Diary" for sheer girliness.

Afterward, Lynette "lied" to the police to protect Tom (after Rick made another slimy pass at her) leading to another strong scene in which Lynette revealed that she didn't believe Tom about starting the fire, and Tom revealed he didn't believe Lynette about her non-affair with Rick ("see, I can speak slowly too"). In the end, it turned out that Lynette's twins/junior arsonists had torched the place leading to — not much of anything out of Lynette. Sorry, but I get annoyed at this when it comes to relationships in general. If Tom had been the one who messed up and then distrusted his wife, he'd have to go out and buy a Kobe diamond. Lynette shows little faith in her husband (who, to her credit, HAD lied about throwing the brick), and gets away with some half-hearted mea culpa.

It was almost as annoying as Dylan's relentless stupidity. Why in the heck did she get out of her car after being pulled over when she knew she wasn't speeding and was having her chest eyeballed ("nice necklace") by a creepy cop. Don't young women go to classes to prevent this kind of thing? Anyway, I have to give props to Gary Cole (Lumberg himself!) for an effective and creepy guest spot last night (almost as good as Roxy the dog). I buy that he's Katherine's ex, but I'm not buying for a second that he's Dylan's father — not with the way he looks at her. And the creepy music that accompanied him whenever he showed up (which I'm guessing Dylan can't hear, otherwise she'd know better).

So what'd you think of this episode? Have we seen the last of Rick? Where the hell are Tom and Lee? (You remember those gay bundles of joy, right?) Would you have Katherind and Bree cater your event? Do you buy Mike forgiving Orson so easily? Finally, a seeing eye dog and Eva Longoria Parker — who are you kicking out of bed?

Lost: Ben Goes On The Road

With all the scripted series now returning from their writers' strike-induced absences, you sort of expect most of them to let viewers get their feet wet in their first episode back.

Well last night's episode of "Lost" was the equivalent of your older brother picking you up and tossing you into the deep end of the pool. And, as is the case when that happens, "The Shape of Things to Come" was a little jarring, but ultimately, this mindfrick of an episode was definitely the way to go.

It featured action-packed sequences, game-changing revelations and a showcase for Michael Emerson (pictured, right), the best actor on the show.

In the off-Island sequences, Ben did a little globe-trotting, starting in the Sahara desert (where he easily and badass-ily dispatched of two goons) Tunisia (where we learned his adventures were happening a more than a year after the plane crash and his "On the Road" inspired alias of Dean Moriarty is a preferred guest), the Iraq (where he met up with Sayid), and London (where he met up with his nemesis).

I'll get back to those flash-forwards in a bit, but first I want to talk about the action on the Island, which was kick-started early on. Apparently, Karl and Rosseau had been gunned down by the freighter mercenaries (so I guess Ben DIDN'T set them up to get killed), who took Alex hostage. She interrupted an intense game of Risk between three men (Locke, Hurley, Sawyer) and a baby Aaron when she triggered a distress signal when disarming the alarm protecting Locke's camp.

Ben, playing classical music at his piano as so many villains do, quickly whipped out a shotgun and sprang into action (apparently, the piano comes with a shotgun). A gun battle ensued, with a couple of nobodies dying before the house Claire was in was blown up. Since ABC didn't hype the death of a character this week, I knew she'd be fine and Sawyer scooped her up and brought her to the house Ben, Locke and Hurley had holed themselves up in.

Now, this is when things REALLY started to get sticky. Keamy (the particularly nasty leader of the mercenaries) held a gun to Alex's head and demanded Ben come out. Ben called his bluff, tried to convince him that Alex meant nothing to him and — appeared completely dumbfounded when Keamy actually went ahead and blew Alex's brains out (ok, so I guess a character CAN die without ABC hyping it to, um, death).

Distraught, Ben muttered "he changed the rules", and things REALLY picked up. He enclosed himself in a private room which had a door marked with odd hieroglyphics. A little while later, he appeared again, completely composed and led the group out of the house to see the Smoke Monster (in his most extended appearance since it thrashed Mr. Eko) take out the mercenaries.

So Ben is able to control (or at least unleash) the Smoke Monster. Pretty cool stuff. But what I find most intriguing is the strongly-suggested idea that Ben is able to time travel/teleport (as opposed to merely sending his consciousness through time, ala Faraday). Maybe all he did when he went into that room in last night's episode was call the Smoke Monster, but I think there's much more to his secret place.

On top of always having detailed information on everyone he meets (like Keamy last night), it would explain why he would appear in the middle of the Sahara wearing a winter parka, and why a polar bear skeleton can be found in Tunisia (or on the Island in the first place). Hmm. A cold place where a polar could live and you'd need to wear a heavy parka, the Island and Tunisia. I'm not smart enough to make a link, but there's something to it right?

We also found out how Sayid came to be Ben's off-Island assassin. Apparently, one of Widmore's people was responsible for the death of Nadia, Sayid's love who he married upon getting off the Island. Both men, motivated by revenge set out to go after Widmore and his people. Except that I can't really shake the feeling that Ben is really the one pulling the strings, and somehow arranged for Nadia's death to motivate Sayid in joining his mission. I wouldn't put it past the guy.

Finally, Ben confronted Widmore (now an alcoholic shell of his former self and suffering from intense nightmares) and told him he was going to kill HIS daughter, Penelope, as revenge. Widmore then dared Benjamin to find her, and said the Island would be HIS again.

I find this fascinating in many regards. The most significant by far is the idea that everything happening on the Island right now is due to the machinations of two characters (Ben and Widmore) who didn't even show their face until well into season two. I mean think about it — you started watching the show, became invested in the castaways' lives, and then it turns out that the whole thing is some twisted chess game between two dudes you won't even see until the second season.

The best part is that I'm totally into it. It's due to terrific writing to make the best out of characters like Widmore, which we don't see that often, seem important. I was also a little scared to find out that Ben's mission is to kill Penelope, since her romance with Desmond is such an effective love story.

Of course, we've had a little time to get to know Ben, so the revelation that he's a big deal in everything isn't a shocker. Still, Emerson continues to impress with his acting and his wicked sense of humor. I liked when he asked Locke, exactly how long he waited before informing him that his phone rang (and Locke's deadpan response of "five minutes"). I also love the idea that we're supposed to think he's distraught about having his "daughter" killed, but the thing he's REALLY upset about is probably the fact that Widmore "changed the rules" and those events weren't supposed to happen.

Also strong last night was Josh Holloway as Sawyer, who's turned in some fine work this year, considering his character hasn't had a spotlight episode yet. I liked seeing him become protective of Hurley, who was forced to accompany Locke and Ben in helping find Jacob's cabin. Sawyer's really grown and when you're done growing on this show, you tend to die. Also, I still can't shake Sawyer's line earlier this season about how they should kill Ben because, Ben has probably already figured out how he's going to kill them (and based on what we saw last night, that's probably more accurate than he knows).

Meanwhile, on the beach, a body washed up on shore and it turned out to be the ship's doctor. The only problem is that, when they contacted the freighter, the doctor was alive and well (thanks for exposing Faraday's lies Bernard!) You had to feel bad for Jack when he got Faraday to admit that they were never there to get the castaways off the Island. Not just because of the hopelessness that revelation probably made him feel, but because it just HAD to kill him that Locke was right about being wary of the freighter people.

Except that we DO know Jack gets off the Island.

So what'd you think of this episode? Why do you think Jack is sick? Could Kate be acting any more desperately to get Jack's attention? What was up with the wound on Ben's arm when he was in the Sahara? Finally, what other secret talents does Bernard have?

America's Next Top Recap: Commercial Failure

I don't consider myself a cruel person, but when I saw that we'd be getting the annual "Cover Girl Commercial in a Foreign Language" episode, I was sort of giddy.

Of course, we all knew the girls would struggle to walk, apply lipstick and get their lines out in ENGLISH, so they had no chance taking on a foreign language. That didn't stop me laughing out loud (I refuse to ever, EVER type the online abbreviation for what I just wrote) multiple times during the hour. Part of it was because the girls this season are mostly a snooze, and part of that is that I probably really am a cruel person.

The episode opened with the girls arriving (in their commercial flight) in Rome, the city where a healthy portion of the population rides around on segways. We also got the first laugh out loud moment of the episode when Anya stepped out of the van and "ate it on the ground." I was actually kind of amazed she didn't get hurt since she basically did a face plant on a Roman sidewalk and I was obviously glad that she wasn't hurt.

Last week I wrote that I didn't get the hype around Anya and that I found her to be a little too vacant for my liking. This week we learned that she's probably the nicest person in the history of this show as brought food to and attempted to comfort an ill Fatima. Ok, so I still think she's a little overrated (someone please explain to me why she won the week's challenge over Katarzyna, who put together the coolest outfit, or Fatima), but she's also a genuine sweetheart and a nice person. Then again that fact, and my feeling that she's peaking a little too early before the finale, give her no chance to win.

If Anya is a genuine sweetheart, then Whitney is coming off as, well, the opposite. Thankfully, she only began two statements with, "Being a plus-size model" tonight, but the judges, her fellow contestants and everyone else is beginning to detect more than a whiff of desperation. I like her, but she needs to stop acting like what she thinks a model should act like and just be herself.

Anyway, the girls met up with a gentleman named Claudio who led the girls on segways down Roman streets (take it off of reverse, Kat) and showed the contestants what Italian models clearly posing as regular women would wear. This was all for the aforementioned challenge, during which Gai Mattiolo was overly complimentary of all the girls (except Dominique, who he dubbed "not fresh", before arbitrarily giving the prize (one of his gowns) to the very blond Anya.
After Whitney was done shitting a brick, the girls learned they'd be shooting their Cover Girl spot in Italian.

Is it cruel to make someone learn a script in a foreign language with minimal time to prepare? Yes (even though they can read off of cue cards). Is it entertaining? Hell to the YES!

The absolute worst was Lauren (pictured, left, with Mr. Jay), who apparently became afraid that she would lose some of her so-called punk credibility and launched a campaign to tank the competition this week. She looked like she was miserable being in Rome and randomly started tossing around suitcases while everyone was trying to sleep. She also decided to not even give the commercial a real shot, though her slouched-over, monotone reading was a solid source of comedy.

Dominique (hot tranny overly enthusiastic mess with a scary powdery white face last night) and Anya (just sort of unremarkably bad, lame and spacey) were not as bad as Lauren. Then there's Whitney, who WAY overdid the cutesy act and got killed for it by Jay and everyone on the panel except Tyra. Here's my thought: I 100 percent agree with the idea that it's better to overdo it a bit (or a lot) then to Lauren it up.

The best ("best" being a relative term) were Fatima, who glided through her commercial, and Katarzyna, clearly the most competent of the bunch. So, of course, Tyra thought it was boring.

Then again, Katarzyna HAS been boring this season, er, cycle, but sought to change that this week. I LOVED her correcting Tyra on the continued mispronunciation of her name. Tyra's the host, and she should know how to pronounce people's names by now. Also, Katarzyna brought the matter up in a respectful, non-bratty manner, and Tyra actually turned out looking bad by brushing her off after another mispronunciation. (How annoyed would Tyra be, if someone constantly pronounced her name like Tee-rah?)

The bottom two came down to Whitney and Lauren with Ms. J and the rest of the judges saying Hell to the No to Lauren. It's too bad, because she DID take really good pictures. If she would've acted like she gave a damn, the judges could've eliminated Whitney and gotten the plus-size model out of there (which you KNOW they're dying to do).

So what you think of this episode? How much better is the Italian Mona Lisa Tyra Mail than the stupid crawl the girls were forced to read out loud? Isn't it kind of cool how Paulina pretty much disagrees with everything Tyra says, instead of being a bobblehead doll? Is there anything less punk than constantly talking about how punk you are? Finally, is there anything that can stop an Anya/Katarzyna final? (I've actually got Fatima winning the whole thing — don't tell anyone)

Hell's Kitchen: Unfamiliar Territory

My family was always pretty liberal when it came to cursing around the kids, but I don't even think they would've considered taking me or my little brother Joey to "Hell's Kitchen" for a family night out.

I don't know that either of us would've been eager to order raw chicken or that classic kid's favorite (spaghetti and clams). I'm assuming (hoping) none of the kids could faintly hear Chef Ramsay yelling his creative profanities at the chefs. And I haven't even mentioned the fact that little kids were taken to a place called "Hell's Kitchen" ("Mommy, what is 'hell?'")

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who run around screaming "what about the children?" I just am continuously amazed at the ridiculous situation they keep putting these donkey and donuts ever week.

But let me start at the beginning, which actually began with last week's end (got it?). After an introductory "f--- off" from Ramsay (oh ok, I'm watching "Hell's Kitchen" now, I thought to myself) and calling Bobby a "punk" the chefs thought they were in for a good night's sleep after a disastrous service before they were called back to clean up their mess.

The chefs grudgingly did this, except for Corey, who ditched the cleanup service midway through and went to sleep while still wearing her chef's jacket (ew). Sure, it was a dick move on her part, but it's not really possible for her teammates to hate her anymore than they already do and this wasn't a challenge so there was nothing at stake, so why not?

Next morning, the chef's were summoned and informed that because of their disastrous first three services, they'd be cooking a family menu. I'm sure this was meant to be demeaning to these budding culinary superstars, but I couldn't help but detect a not-so-faint whiff of gratitude and relief.

Of course, it was also time for the week's challenge, in which each of the teams had to make as much usable pasta as possible. Although they were manly men (missed your chance Jason), the guys lost to the girls (led by a furiously cranking Jen) by about a pound, partly due to Craig's incompetence.

As a result, the women got to take the second lame reward in a row, I mean, a trip to the Santa Monica pier.

Beyond all the *beeping* expletives deleted, this episode was interesting in that we saw the emergence of a front-runner and the fall of one contestant considered to be a front-runner (by me at least). Indeed, it DID appear as if Chef Ramsay had taken a particular dislike to Ben and rode him throughout the entire episode (I still don't get why he was the only one who had to shovel horse manure), while Jen (pictured, right) stepped up for the women during the entire episode. Then again, this is "Hell's Kitchen" and she could very well have a breakdown next week. Also, I still wish she wouldn't talk as much. She's annoying.

At the start of dinner service, Chef Ramsay implored the donut Jean-Philippe (or J-P) to take off his tie, while the men tried to prop up Craig at the pasta station. The women took an early lead, getting their appetizers out early thanks mostly to Vanessa, who had managed to stop crying long enough to cook well.

Unfortunately, all that goodwill was sort of derailed when her hand was burned with hot cooking oil and she was taken to the hospital. Ouch! Considering I can't even stand it when a drop of that stuff touches my skin, I'm impressed at how relatively calm Vanessa was. THIS was the time for crying.

Over on the guys side, Matt was not satisfied having only made Chef Ramsay throw up, so he severely undercooked chicken to make as many children and their families barf. He corrected this mistake later when he overcooked some hockey-puck looking hamburgers. Meanwhile, Craig, still looking like E from Entourage and lost without his hat, was still wandering around like an idiot, while Ben and General Bobby inexplicably celebrated toward the end, pissing Ramsay off. Of course, since Chef Ramsay decided to ride Ben this episode, he was the only one who got chewed out.

In the end, the shorthanded women beat the men, and when asked to help the males finish up were brushed away by angry little elf Craig, leading Ramsay to say what we've been thinking watching Craig these past weeks — "Oh my f---ing God".

Bobby was declared best of the worst and nominated Craig and Matt for elimination. Since Chef Ramsay wasn't quite done torturing Ben, he asked him to join the duo and asked why he should stay. I wish Ben had come up with something a little better than cooking being his gift from God and not knowing what else he can do.

Fortunately, that was awesomely overshadowed by Craig's stupidity. Ben said he'd give 100 percent if allowed to stay. Matt creatively upped it to 125 percent. Craig's response? "I don't know percentages — but just over that." So, off Craig went, presumably back to fifth grade, where he'll learn about percentages and cooking pasta.

So what'd you think of this episode? Does Ramsay really want Ben gone or does he really see potential in him (as Ben believes?) Is Jen a legit contender? Finally, would you take your (or anybody else's) kids to eat at "Hell's Kitchen"

American Idol: Broadway Music of the Night

I'm able to acknowledge that a great number of people in the viewing public (and Jason Castro) were looking forward to Andrew Lloyd Webber/Broadway night on "Idol" about as much as I anticipate "country week" (that is to say, not at all). Still, I happen to be a musical theatre-loving geek, so I thought last night would be thoroughly entertaining.

And I was happy to be proven right, even if my enjoyment of last night's show wasn't always directly tied to singing.

Let's jump right to it: the aforementioned Jason Castro delivered two out of my three favorite lines of the night (and season) during his interview package. After selecting "Memory" from "Cats", and being told that it was an emotional sung performed by an old feline character in the show by Webber, Jason proclaimed "I didn't know a cat was singing it" in that spacey, endearing way we've all come to enjoy (also, toss in the hilarity of Jason not realizing the song from a show called "Cats" was sung by a, you know, cat).

Still, Jason plowed ahead (my other favorite comment: "I'm nervous — this is a pretty popular song) in a performance that Randy called a "train wreck" and Simon described as miserable. Here's the thing — I kinda liked it. I mean, I've never seen "Cats", nor heard the song before (though I DID deduce that it was sung by a cat), but I actually kinda dug Jason's Castro-fying ("Castrating?") the Broadway ballad to fit his style. Once you (and Andrew Lloyd Webber) get past a dreadlocked dude taking on one of his songs, you'll see that Jason's vocals conveyed the emotion and personality of the song.

It's a shame that I think he's going to be sent home Wednesday night.

Of course, you're probably thinking that with a bottom two appearance and an all-time unprecedented "American Idol" blunder (well, unprecedented if you don't count her more subtle mistake at the beginning of "Every Breath You Take") Brooke White (pictured, left) would be the one packing her bags.

The problem for me wasn't that she botched the lyrics at the beginning of "You Must Love Me" and asked for an awkward do-over (though that never looks good). What I didn't like is that her wobbly vocal performance was affected by her mistake in the beginning, resulting in a wildly uneven and uncomfortable performance to watch (as Simon noted). I don't remember the "Idol" stage ever being as quit as it was during Brooke's judging. Still, I think her spectacular mess-up will lead her fans to frantically vote for her and carry her into next week.

Was Brooke wrong for starting over and should she have powered through? I think there's something to be said for either method, but the most important thing is that the performer do what he/she needs to do to regain his/her composure (which Brooke didn't do).

The perfect example is that I didn't even notice that David Archuleta had flubbed the lyrics to "Think of Me", which happened to be my favorite performance of his since the finals started. His vocals weren't as spot on as before, but like the other David, he traded it a little vocal perfection for an inventive arrangement to a big ol' ballad and it worked. I could see myself listening to David's version of "Think of Me" (albeit with the right lyrics). It almost made me feel bad for whipping out my squinty-eyed David Archuleta impression for the second week in a row.

Speaking of which, David A's interview package provided my other non-Jason Castro related moment of the evening — Andrew Lloyd Webber telling David "I have to pieces of advice: first, 'open your eyes.'" To be perfectly honest, I laughed so hard when he said this, that I have no idea what the second piece of advice was. Maybe Webber can go on to coach Renee Zellweger.

If Archuleta traded in a bit of his vocal prowess for a funky arrangement, the king of this tactic, David Cook, did the exact opposite, and I think it worked. Constantly being the innovator of this "Idol" season could lose its, um, innovation if he gives everything he sings that "rocker" edge, so I was glad for his straightforward, if slightly sleepy take on "Music of the Night". He brought the best vocals I've heard from him this year.

Syesha and Carly have been bringing strong vocals all year without too much praise from the judges. Last night, they brought strong vocals AND had fun on stage — without garnering too much praise from the judges.

Syesha opened the show with a jazzy, sassy "One Rock N Roll Too Many" (a song THIS theatre geek had never even come close to hearing of) and displayed more personality than she had in her previous finals performances combined. I loved the way Syesha interacted with the band on stage (which had been smartly brought down from the rafters) and, while not her strongest vocal performance, it probably bought her another week on the "Idol" stage. I just wish Randy and Simon hadn't given her backhanded praise by saying she really belonged on Broadway (meaning not as this year's "American Idol")

Carly, on the other hand, delivered the performance of the night with "Superstar" from "Jesus Christ Superstar", and she should give Webber a big-time assist for discouraging her from singing "All I Ask of You" (which would've made THREE heavy "Phantom of the Opera" ballads out of six performances). Carly looked light-footed, charismatic and fierce on stage. Even her ugly dress of the week was actually appropriate for the groovy vibe of her performance. Unfortunately, the most the judges could give her was Randy saying "it wasn't your best performance" and Simon calling her out for shouting in the middle. Wake me up when the judges get the collective stick out of their ass when it comes to Carly and Syesha.

So what'd you think of this episode? Where do you fall on the Brooke White "start over/power through a mistake" debate? What WAS the second piece of advice Webber had for David Archuleta? Finally, who do YOU think is going home?

Dancing with the Stars: In her 30's

There have been plenty of adjectives used to describe Kristi Yamaguchi and her dancing this season.

Excellent, scintillating, disconnected, beautiful, yummy — take your pick. One that I hadn't really heard before last night was, you know, fun. Kristi and Mark's jive (pictured, right) was fun last night.

Thanks to her thoroughly enjoyable and up-tempo routine, Kristi found the missing ingredient to her peerless technical prowess and finally scored a perfect 30. To be honest, I didn't catch the whole performance live because I was doing dishes, so I checked it out on YouTube. I guess some of Tiger Woods' awesomeness rubbed off on her during their visit to his charity function. And if visiting one of the most well-known athletes in the world wasn't enough for Kristi, we also learned that she grew up with clubbed feet, in yet another manufactured rehearsal package bit meant to make us think that Kristi might struggle this week. Kristi didn't struggle. She can't struggle. She's the best dancer this year.

Too bad a woman can't win this show.

Speaking of manufactured rehearsal footage, let's talk about the painfully forced showmance between Shannon and Derek (I kind of hate using the word showmance, so my apologies). I noticed the producers wanted us to think there was something up between these two during last week's recap, but this week, they did away with any trace of subtlety. Shannon once again professed how much she cared for Derek, who managed to stay out of the hospital this week and bring her flowers.

As if that wasn't enough, the two took a romantic trip to the beach, where they were all over each other, when they should've been working on a lovely, but awkward rumba, Shannon's second rough performance in a row. I've seen Shannon pull it together before, and I think she can do it again.

Unfortunately, that's not really the case with Marlee. The wheels are completely coming off there. She had her second consecutive "painful-to-watch" performance in a row, during her mambo with Fabian, the world mambo champion. I guess, a nice thing I could say is that Fabian looked great — too bad his talent just spotlighted how out of her element Marlee was. She's struggling mightily and seems to have hit her ceiling, and with the contestants dancing two routines from here on out, I don't see how she can get any better. She's had a very nice run on this show, and I think that it's time for her to (and that she will) go home. At least she can say she rocked a turquoise and tiger-striped outfit once in her life.

Coming in second place for the evening's "creepiest moment" award was Mario dedicating an overly sexy rumba to his adorable little brother — and then telling him not to watch. Despite the fact that Karina appeared to be in her underwear with a bed sheet wrapped around her, the couple delivered a second stellar performance in a row. Mario was a bit more aggressive than last week, but he was still on the smooth side of the smooth/overly-aggressive fence. I hope he stays there.

The remaining three couples were the biggest surprises of the evening.

Of course, the aforementioned "creepiest moment" award goes to Len threatening to bare his bum in a supermarket if Cristian and Cheryl return to the bottom two. Thankfully, Cristian turned in his best dance to date, so I'm fairly sure I can walk into a Publix Wednesday morning and not have to worry about running into the increasingly creepy DANCMSTR. Anyway, back to Cristian and his fox trot, which he picked up after a visit to the pool. He was fluid, and his footwork was great (as Bruno noted) and he looked dashing and debonair (not everyone can pull of both of those). Maybe the overtly Latin Cristian really is better suited for ballroom. Who knew?

Also turning in her best work of the season was Marissa, who delivered a lovely waltz, which I was ready to give a ten, until she kind of screwed up in the end. Nevertheless, her movements were nimble, graceful and (thankfully) spazz free. At least until they announced her score of 27 and she went ape shit.

Finally, there was Jason, who opened the night by stepping up to Len's challenge to dance more and delivered a subpar cha cha cha. His hip action just wasn't there, but at least his lines were still beautiful (take a shot every time Carrie Ann compliments his "beautiful lines"). Either way, it's not a great sign when the most entertaining part of his dancing (other than the end of the routine where Edyta made like she was going to fall on him, and he catches her) last night was his and Edyta's visit to a freestyle, hip-hop class. I don't know why, but the idea of Edyta regularly hanging around a hip-hop class (with a dude named Sho-Tyme) makes me chuckle.

His performance wasn't bad by any means, but Jason needs to step his solo dancing if he wants to make it to the freestyle round of the finals, which he slyly mentioned last night.

As for the big country-themed group dance — what's there to say? It was mostly a hot tranny mess, and it was really nice that no one was seriously injured during their lifts. I also found it curious that Kristi and Jason were chosen as the leaders for the sheriffs and the outlaws respectively. Could ABC BE setting this up as the final matchup anymore?

So what'd you think of this episode? Did Kristi deserve the season's first 30? (And was was up with Mark's glasses during that jive?) Should Mario and Karina have been penalized for their lift? Is there anyone that can stop a Jason/Kristi final? Finally, who do you think is going home?

Desperate Housewives: Extreme Homemakers

While I wouldn't say the show is quite back at the level it was this season before the writers' strike, last night was definitely an improvement over last week.

We got an interesting re-introduction of, not one, but two past-season storylines. We also got a surprising twist to the anticipated smackdown between Bree and Katherine Mayfair (pictured, left). Most importantly, we also had to only suffer through one scene of James Denton's acting as Mike Delfino! That's two weeks in a row — let's make this a regular thing.

In fact we got our Mike appearance out of the way early as he had summoned Orson to rehab. Orson feared Mike had recovered the memory of being run over by the dainty dentist at the end of Season 2. (By the way, I didn't remember that scene being so brutal, and there's no way Mike should've survived that. Also, since it was a flashback, it doesn't count toward Mike's scene count, which remained at one last night.)

Anyway, it turns out that Mike just wanted to apologize to Orson for making him give him painkillers. Orson's guilt was a lot more compelling than I though it would be last night. Think about it — part of the reason he became addicted to painkillers was from being run over by Orson. Now the same man who almost killed him is living in his house, lounging around naked to be discovered by Susan in a couple of funny scenes. When the sleepwalking Orson mumbled something about Mike to Susan, you just knew he'd end up spilling the beans eventually. Still, it was a nice twist to have him telling Julie, who'd just asked her friend Dylan to get over all her family drama and have fun.

The other blast from the past was Rick, the Italian chef who came THIS CLOSE to getting Lynette to cheat on Tom last year. He showed up at Scavo's and announced that he'd be opening his own Italian restaurant — just down the street from Tom and Lynette's place. As if that wasn't slimy enough, he brought a bottle of wine for the couple.

When it was revealed that someone had thrown a brick through one of his windows, I thought that it would be WAY too obvious to have it be Tom. Of course, that theory sort of fell apart when he admitted doing it in a well-played scene that showed he hasn't recovered from discovering the emotional connection Rick made with his wife. Even though I was dead wrong about the brick, I'm having a hard-time imagining Tom as an arsonist. What did he do? Set the blaze during the Founders' Ball and then stroll right back into the party in his tuxedo? If anything, I'm looking at Tom's kids, who conspicuously overheard Tom's fight with Lynette. Then again, I could be wrong again (it's known to happen quite a bit), and it could turn out to be Tom after all.

Speaking of the Founders' Ball, the event was an occasion for Wisteria Lane's two alpha females to finally team up, after Katherine offered to help Bree. Of course we (as well as the characters on the show) could tell this was going to be a disaster from a mile away. Nevertheless, it was enjoyable watching Katherine be condescending to Bree, and Bree struggle to not kill her.

It all culminated with Bree trying to poison Katherine with some funky dip (though she had it coming) right before Katherine presented Bree with the night's biggest award. That was a nice twist, but an even better twist was the revelation by Katherine that she genuinely wanted to be friends with Bree. And why not? Those two ARE the same person, from the perfectionism, right down to the failed marriages and dead husbands. The fact that Dana Delaney turned down the role of Bree before Marcia Cross snagged it just adds to the heat between the two actresses.

Meanwhile, Gabby continued her campaign of terror against handicap men. After making Carlos stumble around his own kitchen last week, she took a couple of wheelchair bound guys who were upset at her usage of the handicap space at the discount store. (Gabby at a discount store is its own kind of hilarious, and I wish the episode had included a scene inside the store, in addition to in the parking lot with Lynette.)

Here's where I'm gonna surprise you (and I surprised myself) — I was actually on Gabby's side this week. I don't mind that she got a handicap card while she was doing shopping for Carlos and herself — it's not like Carlos is going to use it. Also, that handicap guy came off as a bit pissy, in my opinion. Sure, if I were in a wheelchair and I had to park far away, I'd be annoyed at seeing some chick in a designer dress hop in her convertible, but there was no cause for him to put his hands on her. Finally, I can see how Carlos would be upset at having to stay in the car like a dog while Gabby got her "chores" done (and by "chores", I mean "nails"), but what else is he going to do? Sit in the house feeling sorry for himself? At least his presence in the car stopped his wife from being harassed by bitchy handicap people.

By the way, it's official — I'm joining Gabby in hell.

So what'd you think of this episode? What's going to happen now that Julie knows Orson's secret? Did Tom really burn down Rick's place? Finally, do you think I'll be sent straight to hell or will I make a stopover in purgatory?

Forgetting Sarah Marshall Review

"Forgetting Sarah Marshall", the latest movie from producer Judd Apatow ("Knocked Up", "Superbad") and his troupe of overgrown man-child actors, is being billed as a "romantic disaster movie."

I'm not really sure that I'd heard of that genre before, but the flick certainly lived up to its billing.

Jason Segel ("Knocked Up", CBS's "How I Met Your Mother") stars as Peter Bretter, a composer for the TV show "Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime", who has been together with the show's star, Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell) for five years.

After being dumped during a memorable, humiliating and full frontal scene, Peter heads to Hawaii to try to ***SPOILER ALERT *** forget Sarah Marshall ***END OF SPOILER ALERT*** Of course, as (bad) luck would have it, Sarah is staying with her new man, rocker Aldous Snow (a scene-stealing Russell Brand) in the same hotel as Peter.

That's as far as I'll go because I don't want to give too much away. Still, this is a romantic comedy, so you can probably guess what happens. Fortunately, as is the case with previous Apatow productions, this rom-com stands out from other cookie-cutter entries in the genre.

One of my favorite aspects of the movie is that Segel (who also wrote the script) made it so we get a glimpse at character's point of view and perspective.

Of course, this starts with Segel himself, who is very funny playing a pretty average guy. Sure, he's got cool-geek tendencies (Peter wants to write a "Dracula" rock opera with puppets), but mostly he's playing a regular, underachieving guy who got crushed — he's not cartoonishly over-the-top/profane (Superbad) or naïve (The 40-Year-Old Virgin) or lazy (Knocked Up). Most importantly, according to my girl Erica, he acquitted himself quite nicely in the breakup scene, so I guess it wasn't that humiliating after all.

I also liked that the movie actually takes time to make us see why Sarah — who'd mostly been presented as a bland, superficial actress — broke up with Peter in the first place. We even get to see that Aldous, the man who came between Peter and Sarah, is actually pretty cool.

The only key role I felt was a bit underwritten was Mila Kunis' impossibly nice hotel employee Rachel, who helps Peter get over Sarah. Still, Kunis does a nice job in the role (basically the opposite of Sarah).

As is usually the case with romantic comedies, this one is littered with funny supporting players. Paul Rudd delivers as a constantly-stoned and forgetful surfing instructor. Jack McBrayer transplants his naïve "30 Rock" persona as a newlywed. Bill Hader gets some laughs as Peter's step-brother. Finally, I find that I can tolerate "Superbad"s Jonah Hill A LOT more in small doses — here, he's a waiter with a major crush on Aldous Snow.

The movie also throws in some semi-archaic touches (references to the "Buena Vista Social Club" and Billy Baldwin doing a David Caruso-in-CSI: Miami impression) that not everyone is going to get, those that DO get them feel a little better about themselves (sorry, people who don't get them).

The movie (like other Apatow productions) could probably be trimmed by 10 or 15 minutes, but I'll gladly take a slightly longer romantic comedy, I mean, romantic disaster movie with funny, more-realized characters. Especially when it's the funniest movie of the year.

"Forgetting Sarah Marshall"...A-

America's Next Top Recap: Just Plane Mean

It seems like forever since I've written a recap for this show.

I feel like I should reassure both of my readers that I haven't give up writing about "Top Model." Still, between my trip to Puerto Rico and last week's always-lame "Top Model Confidential"/waste-of-time clip show that I skipped, it's been almost a month since I've watched an episode of "Model." (I should say a NEW episode of "Top Model", since I got caught up in another MTV marathon this past weekend — it was the cycle Natasha should've won over Jaslene.)

Anyway, since the episode I missed — with the go-sees, Lauren's coffee tantrum, the weird water photo shoot — was widely considered to be kinda terrible, I'm just going to skip right over it. (Still, wasn't it a bit early to have go-sees? I prefer when they wait until the models are in a foreign country and they REALLY get lost. Also, who would pick up Claire's perpetual "Cover Girl of the Week" slack?)

This week's episode (brought to you by 7UP) found the girls lounging around the apartment and recapping their issues in case I'd forgotten. Stacey Ann was worried that she hadn't stood out yet (she's right) and Whitney worried about having to work twice as hard as anyone else being a plus-size model. She's right, but I'm kind of getting sick of her starting every sentence with "Being a plus size model..."

New and unexpected drama came from Fatima's (pictured, left) revelation that she may not be able travel abroad once the show leaves the States because she didn't notify her "consulate" for a "travel visa" in time. I'm using vague terms because this whole situation seemed fishy and, mostly, like a WAY too contrived means of creating drama in a season with no real front-runners/breakout personalities. More on this later.

First, the girls were visited by cosmetics magnate Miss Dubois, played solidly by judge Paulina. She visited the apartment to teach the girls how to conduct themselves during interviews and social situations.

The girls approached Paulina/Miss Dubois and pretended to strike up a conversation with her at a party. Anya oddly asked Dubois about her family, but recovered solidly when she was told they were dead. Stacey Ann, apparently, came off as a bit fake (talking to a fake person, go figure), while Katarzyna offered to refill Dubois' champagne and was dismissed as a waitress (I agreed with this assessment).

Paulina then turned the tables, and interviewed the girls, leading Lauren to blank out, Dominique to blab on and on, and Whitney to be dismissed as too pageanty. The girls were told they'd be attending a 7UP party and walking the green carpet wearing Jay Giorgio dresses.

Only the designer's name was Jay Godfrey (right, Dom?) The other major faux-pas was Lauren casually dropping an s-bomb. Stacey Ann, once again said something of little significance. Meanwhile, Anya charmed her interviewer, Lara Spencer of "The Insider", and Whitney seemed very well poised and confident, even as her breasts threaten to pop right out of her revealing dress.

Inside the party, the judges were not impressed with Stacey Ann's Miami-honed party-going skills, while Lauren surprised everyone (Nigel in particular) with her easy demeanor (contrasting with her stiff appearance at judging panels). In the end, it was Anya and her broken English, which blew everyone away as she flirted with Paulina's boyfriend and charmed everyone in the party.

Personally, I would've given Whitney the prize because I'm a fan, and I think that she was the most natural. The fact that everyone this episode kept throwing around words like "fake" and "pageant" to describe Whitney, mostly seems like the show is already trying to build in an excuse to eliminate the plus-size girl.

Also, Anya's a little too vacant for my taste, sorry. Her second challenge victory rewarded her with another nude photo shoot. However, instead of creepily being photographed on a bed by Nigel, her body was hidden by a bunch of leaves for the lemon-limey shoot and she received $10,000. I'd say this was a slightly better reward (and I was a little surprised the girls weren't more jealous).

In fact, Anya was pretty much the rock star of this episode, as she also dominated the week's photo shoot. The girls were told to pack their bags and go to the airport, thinking they'd be heading abroad. Instead, they were informed the airport was the site for their jet-setting photo shoot, in which they'd pretend to be running for a plane.

Unfortunately, for Fatima, she was forced to miss the photo shoot to clear up her travel situation.

Now, I can buy that Fatima had never watched the show and didn't know that the models always end up in a different country. What I don't buy is that none of the show's producers — during the audition process, or before last night's episode — knew about this or that it could be an issue.

I also wasn't convinced that Tyra — who surprisingly brought the panel to the airport — wasn't notified of Fatima's situation beforehand and that she wouldn't be participating in the shoot. Her incessant roasting of Fatima was too much, but not surprising, since anyone who watches this show knows that Tyra loves to make girls cry.

As for the photo — Anya and Lauren were the best. Dominique had her best shot yet. I actually liked Whitney's shot, and Stacey Ann, as usual, was just kind of there.

In the end, Stacey Ann's shot was beaten out by Fatima's blank piece of photo paper. It's probably not a good sign that I agree with this decision. Fatima has MUCH MORE potential than Stacey Ann and, after torturing Fatima so much, there was no way they were going to kick her off.

In one last touch of cruelty, the girls were told the private jet was for the judges — the "stars" of the show — and that they would be flying commercial to Rome. I get that they wanted to do a fakeout, but calling themselves "stars" came off a bit too conceited.

Anyway, what'd you think of this episode? Did you think for a minute that Fatima wouldn't be going to Rome after all the fuss they kicked up? Is Anya the clear front-runner? Finally, am I the only one that didn't know 7UP was still around? (I thought everyone had switched to Sprite or Sierra Mist.)

Hell's Kitchen: Crying, Fowl

Well that was probably one of the most crowd-pleasing installments of "Hell's Kitchen" you'll ever see.

Ok, so it was more like the most crowd-pleasing final two minutes of "Hell's Kitchen" you'll ever see.

Let's hear a round of applause for Jason (pictured, right), for being such a disgusting, sexist, chauvinist pig thereby making it absolutely fantastic to watch him be humiliated throughout this hour. Actually, on second thought, let's not applaud — I don't want to encourage him. Honestly, we only saw three episode's worth of this fool, but he HAS to be in the running for worst person of 2008.

The episode picked up right where it left off last week, with the fallout from Corey's (idiotic) decision to nominate two competent people for elimination (Jen and Christina), which backfired after Chef Ramsay fired Sharon and her makeup case.

Two quick revelations came from Jen and Christina's "we're going to get Corey" routine. First off, I realized that I really hate it every time Jen talks. It just gets on my nerves. Secondly, it wasn't very encouraging to see Christina completely fall apart and become such a crying mess after being placed in the bottom two. Corey played the game, and it backfired on her? Why the waterworks? From here on out, Christina vowed revenge against Corey ignoring the fact that making the game personal is exactly what got Corey in trouble in the first place. Hm, maybe Corey's picks weren't all the bad.

Either way, the cheflings were woken up the next morning to the sounds of roosters in their bedroom. They each had to coral one (yet another thing General Bobby has never done) and bring one back to the kitchen where Ramsay would show them how to prepare one. Since I didn't believe for a second that he would behead a chicken on live TV, the segment where he teased doing that was sort of a waste of time.

Instead, he showed the contestants how to cut a chicken into eight pieces and gave each member of both teams five minutes to prepare a chicken into as many usable pieces.

After some token sexist remarks by Jason ("this ain't no dusting challenge", "hunting and butchering meat is what men do"), the contestants were off and, of course, the women handily defeated the men 44 to 24 (Ramsay stopped counting the men's pieces when it became mathematically impossible for them to win.) The men were quick to place the blame on pocket chef Craig, who took his time and only came up with two usable pieces out of eight. Methinks the men would've still lost eventually.

Nevertheless, after an amusingly childish tantrum by Matt, the men were off on a junky boss to pick peppers and throw them at Craig when he's not looking, while the women visited the Saddle Ranch in L.A. and got a surprise visit from Aaron the crying Asian cowboy from last year. As far as "celebrity guest stars" go, I'd put him on, um, is there anything lower than Z-list? Also, the Saddle Ranch is a far cry from the superyacht the men got to roll in last week.

Either way, the women (inexplicably) revealed their strategy to Ramsay during the meal. They were going to pick one guy and use their sexuality to tear the team apart one by one. The only real problem that I have with this plan is that it's completely unnecessary. I mean, have they SEEN the men? I'm convinced half the team is mentally disabled. This would be like Jon Gruden using his entire, complicated playbook to take on a pee-wee team from St. Pete.

So into the hot tub they went in their underwear. Ben was smart enough to resist, so they moved on to Jason, who was not. As if the boobs weren't enough, they also used food to draw in Jason who comically slipped on his way into the tub and stumbled in revealing all of the men's "secrets" and "weaknesses."

By the time the dinner service came around Christina had allegedly made up with Corey and Jason had forgotten all his desserts, so he was sent off to study.

The women took an early lead despite the fact that Roseann kept messing up the salad because Craig (who must've lost his chef-ing powers when Ramsay made him lose the stupid hat) struggled on his appetizers. The guy is not what we'd call a multi-tasker as he was unable to speak/listen and cook at the same time.

Meanwhile, General Bobby/Bubba had been sent tableside and was making friends with his customers and given them tiny portions of chicken as Jean Philippe looked on disapprovingly.

Eventually, Jason came back, had his own "I'm done" meltdown and quit the competition before Ramsay talked him off the ledge and got him on desserts, which he promptly messed up. On the women's side, Vanessa had her own inexplicable meltdown as she burned more than a few steaks and inevitably led to Ramsay declaring that neither team had won. He asked Petrozza and Christina to put one person up for elimination and all the chef's headed upstairs — but not before Bobby waved goodbye to his fans, leading to a comical tongue-lashing by Ramsay.

It was clear that Petrozza would nominate Craig or Jason (Ben's messing up of the salmon with his "different techniques" didn't really land him in trouble, since he's been solid otherwise), while Christina seemed locked in on nominated mortal enemy Corey. So what a pleasant surprise to see Petrozza nominate the hateable Jason and Christina do the right thing and nominate the weakest performer on her team, Vanessa. I gained a lot of respect for Christina right there (and let's face it, this show is really all about gaining my respect.)

Faced with the painfully easy choice between Vanessa or Jason, Ramsay said goodbye to Jason, who predictably got one more sexist comment in ("I wasn't gonna cry like some chick." This was good because I felt like Jason's complete lack of skills as a chef were unfairly overshadowed by what a horrible person he was.

So what'd you think of this episode? Anyone want to come to my and Erica's "Jason is Gone" party? Do you disapprove of the women's tactics this episode? Finally, can you honestly understand more than 55 percent of what Louross says?

American Idol: Carey-ing a Tune

While I wouldn't exactly have called it karaoke hell, I was nevertheless thankful to David Cook for snapping me awake during Mariah Carey week after approximately 45 minutes of well-sung, but repetitive ballads.

Once again, the "Idols" zagged where I thought they were going to zig. I sort of expected them to struggle with the songs of Mariah Carey, who turned out to be an overly sweet, yet not phony-sounding mentor. I especially thought the guys would have a hard time, though Simon DID bring up an interesting point when he said the guys would actually have an easier time since they can't be compared to the week's mentor as directly as the women.

Then again, that was one of the few times I actually agreed with Simon last night.

Take the first three performances of the evening — it's becoming increasingly frustrating for Syesha Mercado fans (all 22 of us) and, to a lesser extent, Carly Smithson fans to watch these two get up there week after week and get lukewarm-at-best comments from the judges.

Although Syesha (pictured, left, because, damnit, SOMEBODY has to show her some love) made the controversial decision to sing a Mariah Carey song after covering Whitney and Fantasia the last two weeks, she absolutely knocked it out of the park. Not only that, but she picked "Vanishing", a cool, jazzy number that's not played out like most of the rest of Carey's catalog. So what do the judges (especially Simon) say, after killing her for picking uber-familiar songs? They criticize her for picking a song that people don't know. They might as well put Syesha's name on one of those bottom three stools for Wednesday night.

Though Carly didn't sing quite as well as Syesha last night, she probably looked better than she ever had, and still delivered a strong rendition of a tough song, "Without You." Was it the most unbelievable performance ever? No. Could Simon and Randy have maybe pointed out how strong her verses were, and how even stronger she became one she got to the songs meat of the tune? Of course! Ugh. Probably not a great sign that her pre-performance chat with Ryan was spent talking about how everyone misses Michael Johns.

Almost as maddening as their almost open disdain for Carly and Syesha is their embarrassing fawning over David Archuleta. Don't get me wrong? The guy turned in a very nice and relatively restrained take on "When You Believe" (a song selection a blind man could've seen coming a mile away), but he was no better than Carly, and certainly not nearly as good as Syesha. So why is Simon still talking about his performance after Syesha's number? Why not just give him a free pass to the finals if that's what the judges and producers want? The best thing that came out this segment was the revelation that I, apparently, do a pretty solid David Archuleta impression, complete with squinty eyes and duck waddle walk.

Another disconcerting trend (that had nothing to do with the judges this time) is how Kristy Lee Cook seems to actually be getting better, and Brooke White is getting worse.

I mean, Kristy Lee didn't blow the doors off of "Forever" (my girl Erica's favorite Mariah song), but she was noticeably less stiff and did a better job on the big notes. Once again, she smartly countrified the tune (earning unjustified, but genuine-sounding raves from Mariah), but it's probably not a good sign that I spent most of her post-performance critique trying to figure out if that was Teri Hatcher sitting behind Randy Jackson (it was!)

Brooke White was incredibly nervous during her piano-driven take on "Hero." She never really said she was nervous, but it was painfully obvious as her piano playing sped up as she missed notes in that song she just couldn't possibly hit. Still, since it was probably the worst performance of the evening, I think her fans (and she has more then 22) will call in and rescue her. She's looking a little desperate right now, so she's got to calm herself down and find that laid back groove that endeared her to us in the first place.

Kinda what Jason Castro has done ever since his act had become stale a few weeks ago. He didn't drastically reinvent himself at all, but instead shored up his vocals and stage performance and has delivered two crowd-pleasing performances in a row. Still, I wasn't really a huge fan of his "I don't want to cry." It certainly wasn't bad, but I just tended to agree more with Randy in that it seemed like it belonged more in a chill luau than the "Idol" stage. Is Jason EVER going to take advantage of the fact that he's in the biggest (figuratively) stage in the country every week?

It was smart to close the show with Jason and David Cook, who thankfully were the two contestants who reinvented Carey's songbook (almost out of necessity). Of course, Cook's reworking of "Always Be My Baby" (MY favorite Mariah song) was drastic compared to Jason.

While I actually think he was far from the top of his game vocally, his radical and creative reworking was such a welcome breath of fresh air that it probably made his performance seem better than it really was. Still, I think most people would take a fun, exciting performance over a pristine vocal. However, what made the night a total home run for Cook (other than successfully navigating a Mariah tune) was his genuine and emotional response afterward. (His sick brother was reportedly in the audience.) It's always great to see when people care, and his post performance response was miles ahead of the cheesy, calculated writing of "Give Back" on his hand.

So what'd you think of this episode? Did the "Idols" surprise you or let you down on Mariah night? Are Simon and the judges right about David A., Syesha and Carly or am I just crazy? Finally, who do you think is going home?

Dancing with the Stars: A Mildly Spicy Latin Night

Even when this show is kinda bad, it's still unbelievably entertaining.

Everyone kept saying that we were halfway through the competition, but I still count that eight of the original 12 contestants were still in it going into last night. Then again, I'm not great at math.

Despite the wonky math, we were treated to Latin night, which promised to be a steamy and red-hot night of television.

What we got was what we've been getting all season — Kristi Yamaguchi dominates, one or two people come close to overtaking her in the overall standings but don't quite make it there, but too many performers are neither good enough nor bad enough to be interesting during their dances, and end up being dull.

I miss Adam Corolla.

Fortunately, everything else that makes "Dancing with the Stars" a singularly outlandish TV experience — the rehearsal packages, the judges comments, the terrible music, the costumes — were all there last night to pick up the slack.

Let's start off with the first performer of the night, who was also my favorite performer of the night — Mario. It wasn't until I saw him light up the dance floor with his samba last night that I realized he'd sort of peaked during the first week of competition. He's come off as desperate the last few weeks, and last night, he was in such dire straits that he did what any of us would've done — turn to Stevie Wonder for inspiration. I'm sure Stevie's seen all of his dances, so he was able to offer reassuring words.

Actually, I don't care what Stevie did for Mario, but it worked. (Maybe I could visit Stevie, and he could help me write better columns.) His samba was smooth and fluid, whereas his dancing was too hard and wild in previous weeks. Now that he's got his swagger back, I hope he doesn't revert to giving off that cocky vibe that sort of got him into trouble in the first place.

The other Latin dance of the evening was the rumba and a few celebrities struggled with it. In fact, the only thing I can really remember about Priscilla Presley's rough and slightly dull rumba was Bruno telling her that her performance portrayed a vibe that made her seem "available, yet reassuringly expensive." That phrase was my second favorite thing of the evening.

My third favorite thing of the evening was Cristian and Cheryl's mini-telenovela during their rehearsal footage, where Cheryl showed off her impressive Spanish skills ("Si"). Unfortunately, their actual dance was sort of a snoozefest. Len's high praise consisted of saying it was "not gruesome", and I tended to agree with Carrie Ann that this couple doesn't really have very good chemistry on the dance floor. My girl Erica is convinced they're hooking up, but I don't really see it.

Was it me or is the show WANTING us to think Shannon and Derek are hooking up. After his now-weekly trip to the hospital (this time for food poisoning) we were treated to a couple of slightly overly lovey-dovey shots of Shannon taking care of Derek and talking about how they've grown to care for each other. None of that really helped her when it came time to shake her hips during their samba in what was a rough and uncomfortable performance. And that was before she nearly passed out from exhaustion during her evaluation.

It was almost as rough and uncomfortable as Marlee's samba, as she had trouble staying in rhythm. Though Marlee is able to shake her hips a lot better than Shannon, her performance was even more uncomfortable to watch, as evidenced by her "thank God THAT'S over look" when she was done. Still, she can take comfort in the fact that she and partner Fabian are probably the most likable duo this season. I mean, flew to Mexico and gave hearing aids to a bunch of deaf kids. How can you compete with that?

Apparently, if you're Tony, you spend a better part of the week teaching Marissa to drop it like it's hot and other stripper moves for their samba. I thought for sure that the judges would rake her and Tony across the coals for not including enough content in their ridiculous dance, but they appear to be afraid of causing Marissa to have a mental breakdown and went WAY too easy on her, giving her straight 8's. That being said, this was, by far, my favorite performance of hers.

Speaking of favorites, the best moment of the evening (hell the season!) came during Jason and Edyta's rumba (pictured, left).

It wasn't anything in the dance itself, which I would've actually given a 10. No, it was the random cut to Len DURING the dance, and the creepy, low-lit expression on his face (pictured, right, in all its glory). I LOVED THIS. Why did the producers decide to cut to a judge during the dance (I can't remember this ever happening?) Do any of the other judges ever look like this while other contestants are dancing? It was absolutely fantastic! So of course, Len (legitimately) calls out Jason (but really Edyta) for posing a bit too much while Edyta danced around him. Come on, Len! You can't look at a bloke like that and then NOT give him a 10.

And now here's the paragraph where I talk about how great Kristi Yamaguchi is. Actually, this week was probably her most successful this season, and it has nothing to do with tying a personal best score of 29.

To me, she's come off as a bit of an ice queen lately, so it was nice to see her embrace a goofy alter ego (Kristiana and Markutio), and see her adorable kids and husband pop in for a visit. These are the kind of things that make her appealing to the many who women who watch this show and who she'll need to win over if she's going to win this competition. Oh yeah, her rumba to John Mayer's "Say" was lilacy-loveliness personified.

So what'd you think of this episode? Are Derek's routines THAT demanding or is Sharon just in really bad shape? How long before Len asks Jason out on a man date? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I've got Priscilla saying bye-bye.)