Hell's Kitchen: Are You Sure You Want To Shut Down

Welcome to "Hell", my friends! (Or at least, my first ever "Hell’s Kitchen" recap.)

Part of the reason I’ve decided to review this show is because there are so many scripted programs that aren’t on right now because of the writer’s strike, that I’m just itching for something to write about. Mostly though, this ridiculously over-edited program makes me laugh out loud more than most comedies on TV.

This should actually be my second recap, since I missed the first episode while I was in Puerto Rico. I actually last night’s (the second) episode before I got around to watching the season premiere on tape (Yep, still using tape). Anyway, this recap will be my thoughts on the first two episodes, so excuse me if I jump back and forth between each installment a bit.

First off, I love how the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant looks like site of a movie premiere (spotlights, long red carpet) for no apparent reason. I also liked seeing clips from last season (crying Aaron) to get us in the mood for this new set of donkeys.

Once the new cast boarded the bus on the way to "Hell’s Kitchen", it wasn’t difficult to spot a couple of the fools. There was Craig, the 5’5" guy who looks and sounds like E from "Entourage" and wears a ridiculously big chef hat to compensate for — something. There was also Bobby, who fancies himself a four-star general and the black Gordon Ramsay. Mostly though, he’s more like a non-shrimp obsessed Bubba from "Forrest Gump." (We wouldn’t learn until a little later that Jason is a major chauvinist pig.)

Then there was the creepy quiet guy who kinda looked like Ozzy Osbourne. Oh wait, that was Chef Ramsay in disguise (?!) spying on the donkeys. This was so deliciously absurd that it’s something I’d expect out of Tyra Banks. Anyway, Ramsay revealed himself after Jean Philippe asked a few of them to do their best impersonations of Chef Ramsay.

Ramsay announced that this year’s contestants would be vying to run Ramsay’s own Los Angeles eatery, London LA. (um, got it?) This actually sounds like a much more legit sounding prize than previous, dubious-sounding offers to run restaurants in resorts no one ever visits (where are you, Rock?)

Shortly thereafter, the chefs cooked their signature dishes for Ramsay, who only REALLY liked Vanessa’s plate and sort of detested Matt’s dish (including an odd combo of venison, scallops and white chocolate) which made him throw up. That can’t have been good for anyone, except for stay-at-home dad Dominic, whose dish followed Matt and who was mostly just relieved he didn’t make Ramsay throw up.

Since Vanessa did so well, the women saw that as an opportunity to nominate her as captain, despite the fact that she didn’t really seem to want it that much. Still, they dedicated most of their time to learning the menu. Meanwhile, the men couldn’t decide who to nominate as captain before settling on Bobby and were so tired from the process, they decided to go to sleep without learning the menu.

Obviously, this came back to haunt them the next day when none of the men could tell Ramsay what was on his own menu (ouch), but it doesn’t really excuse how Petrozza (after stuffing a hen in a pumpkin earlier) STILL didn’t know what was on the menu the second week, leading to a quiet, instant classic "I’m done" mini-meltdown. Honestly, other than diminutive/toilet brush head Louross and Ben, the men not only seem like terrible contestants, but they actually seem like they’re mentally challenged.

The first dinner service was predictably awful. The women were having risotto issues (why would you audition for this show without knowing how to cook risotto?), while the men suffered from weak leadership from Bobby. Bubba had claimed that he would jump in when help was needed, but when his team started drowning, Bobby claimed he didn’t want to add to the chaos.

When each team actually got around to serving their food, everyone had gone home (oops), leading Ramsay to "shu tit down!"

Since no one "won" during dinner service, Ramsay named the men as the biggest losers and Louross (who stepped up to lead in place of Bobby) nominated Bubba and Dominic(?!) instead of Jason who’d done a poor job cooking and was actually smoking a cig upstairs when dinner service started. Louross seemed disappointed when Ramsay sent goofy Dominic home instead of goofy and retarded Bobby, which makes me think he nominated Dominic in the hopes that Ramsay would eliminate Bobby (which makes me lose a bit of respect for Louross for his failed strategy — and for sticking us with Jason for another week).

Especially since I’m pretty sure that was Jason in his underwear we saw sleeping early next morning when the chef’s were woken up to sort through all the garbage they’d wasted the night before. I know this was supposed to show them the value of doing a good job so food isn’t waste, but mostly I think it was to humiliate them.

Later, Ramsay showed the chef’s how to properly cut a halibut into clean six ounce portions and the challenge was for each team to do the same. When the men and women tied (!) it came down a tie-breaker between Ben and Corey, who had to select a piece that was closest to weighing six ounces. When Ben came up with one that weighed 5.9 ounces, there was really nothing Corey or any of the other women could have done, but that didn’t stop Jen from complaining and throwing her under the bus anyway (sigh).

As a reward, the men (looking goofier than usual) got to join Ramsay on his superyacht before the next dinner service, which would feature one member of each team serving as maitre’d. Ramsay picked Lil’ Craig for the men and Noo Yawk Roseann for the women In case you didn’t know Roseann is from New York, she’ll probably tell you eventually. Unfortunately, she wasn’t much of a maitre’d as she was slow to take orders, but I’d still have to give her the edge over Craig who actually bopped a customer over the head with a chair.

In the kitchen, the team’s showed actually showed improvement (they actually got some food served!), but they were still mildly horrendous so Ramsay had to "shu tit down" for a second week in a row.

Since the men actually managed to get some appetizers out early, they were deemed the winners. Corey was deemed "Best of the Worst" and, to paraphrase Jim Halpert, I think that may have been the least amount of power to go to someone’s head.
She relished the role a bit too much, and ended up nominated Jen (personal reasons) and Christina (she said it was strategic, but they were really personal reasons) for elimination. Ramsay sniffed out that a contestant was playing strategically again instead of nominating the two worst people and decided to fire Sharon the Barbie instead, who did a terrible job of cooking and creeped Ramsay out by constantly licking her lips with her tongue, leading him to call her "Hannibal"! (I love that he didnt’ put up with that BS.)

So what’d you think of these first two episodes? Did you see anyone you would trust your favorite CD with, much less a restaurant? When exactly does a yacht become a superyacht? (Same time a model becomes a supermodel, I suppose.) Who is your favorite and least favorite contestant? Finally, will the teams actually get through a dinner service next week?