Glee: New York State of Mind

Coming off two consecutive strong episodes, I had high hopes for the epic season 2 finale of “Glee.”

I should’ve known better. Most of the finale was, for lack of a better word, stupid.

I PROMISE you that I wanted the New York-set finale of “Glee” to be good. In fact, my biggest complaint is that it really should’ve been a two-part episode: one hour mostly devoted to New Directions exploring the city and the second hour mostly devoted to Nationals

Instead, the episode was mostly devoted to glee club members frolicking around New York City (or complaining about being stuck in their hotel rooms), while Nationals — you know, that little competition they’ve been working toward ALL FREAKIN’ YEAR — was crammed into a 15-minute segment. (The girl group who sang Usher’s “Yeah” made me curious about what some of the other show choirs had to offer.) I mean, did we really need TWO different musical numbers in which characters realized their dream of singing on a Broadway stage?

That being said, at least the frolicking looked fantastic. One of the things I did like about this episode was that the show took full advantage of its New York City locations. Central Park, breakfast at Tiffany’s and Sardi’s restaurant looked as fantastically perfect as they should’ve looked to a bunch of kids visiting NYC for the first time. Sardi’s even provided a cameo by Broadway legend Patti LuPone, though the best part was LuPone telling Rachel “He’s cute” before she walked away from Rachel’s date with Finn. (Though I hated that Rachel pulled away when Finn tried to kiss her at the end of their date: she’s been trying to steal her away from Quinn for half the season and when she finally succeeds, she runs away…get the f--- out of here!)

Unfortunately, too much of this episode was either rushed or downright insulting to our intelligence.

For example, are we really supposed to believe that New Directions arrived in New York having absolutely no idea what they were going to be singing? They didn’t work on writing their original material AT ALL before Mr. Schuester stuffed them in their hotel rooms? Puh-leeze!

I realize they this is more of a personal preference, but the original songs didn’t really click with me. I know we’re supposed to think that New Directions didn’t place in the top 10 because of Finn and Rachel’s kiss, but it ended up seeming like they didn’t place because they weren’t good enough. (At least to me.)

There were also dropped plot points galore. Maybe it’s just me, but I think Mr. Schue gave up on his Broadway dreams WAY too easily. Maybe I’m being too practical here, but why couldn’t he lead New Directions to a win at Nationals, and THEN make his Broadway debut and inspire his students to achieve their dreams. Instead, we got more crying about how much he loves his kids. At least Vocal Adrenaline coach Dustin Goolsby — who got all of Sue Sylvester’s dialogue this week, including “I hate my kids. I would literally whip them if I could” — was there to mock him. (And at least his villainous character makes sense within the story.)

Also, is it just my imagination, or didn’t Quinn announce at the end of last week’s episode that she had some evil plan to sabotage Finn and Rachel or New Directions? Unless Quinn’s master stroke was to rat on Finn and Rachel for leaving their hotel rooms, I honestly think that the writers completely forgot about this plot point. (Has there ever been a sloppier super-successful show than “Glee”?!)

My thoughts on how Nationals panned out (besides “not enough Jesse St. James!” are mostly contained in my reviews of the musical performances. Before we get to that, I have to talk about the little epilogue at the end of the episode, which found a way to include Darren Criss’s Blaine.

It was a surprisingly hopeful and optimistic end to the season, which finished with a shot of Mr. Schue hoisting their tiny 12th place trophy. Kurt is still with Blaine, Rachel is now with Finn (until they break up again), Brittany and Santana are friends, and Sam and Mercedes are a couple. Wait, what?! Sure why not? Gotta get in as many couplings as we can, and these two were pretty much the only free agents out there. But why in the hell would they keep it a secret. Oof! My head hurts

Let’s just grade the music already.

“My Cup”...C-: This was so obviously an over-produced, pre-recorded track (I mean more than what we usually get on this show) that I couldn’t focus on the comedy it was supposed to provide. Come on, “Glee”! At least TRY to make it sound like these kids are singing live!

“I Love New York/New York, New York”…C+: The combination of the kids rejoicing being in New York with this thumping, soulless pop song didn’t work for me. Call me crazy, but I think this scene needed cheesier, peppier music.

“Still Got Tonight”…D: No one wanted to hear Matthew Morrison sing songs from his crappy album live. So I DEFINITELY didn’t want him to force songs from his crappy album on us through this show. He sounded good, but I was rolling my eyes the entire time. In fact, my eyes almost rolled to the back of my head when that guy told Mr. Schue what a massive talent he was.

“Bella Notte”…A-: It was brief, but the guys (Puck, Artie, Sam and Mike Chang) singing in the background (well, except for useless Mike, of course) and providing a soundtrack for the two lovers reminded me of a Disney movie. And that’s always a great thing.

“For Good”…A: Now THIS is the “Characters Realizing Their Dream of Singing on a Broadway Stage” number I would keep. (Sorry, Mr. Schue. Oh wait…no I’m not!) Rachel and Kurt two are great together, especially when they’re being theatrical, and they were COMPLETELY in their element on stage at the Gershwin Theatre, where “Wicked” makes its home.

“As Long As You’re There”…A: I probably wasn’t supposed to think that Sunshine Corazon and Vocal Adrenaline knocked this number out of the park and deserved a spot in the top 10 over New Directions…but I did.

“Pretending”…B+: As far as Finn and Rachel ballads go, this was good, but not quite great…except for that breathtaking kiss. The shot that made the auditorium seem completely empty as they were kissing was terrific. The song? Not so much.

“Light Up the World”…B: Honestly, what’s the difference between this and “Loser Like Me,” the last peppy, original group song that New Directions performed in competition? Well, besides the fact that this one has an infinitely lamer title.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why won’t this show let Cheyenne Jackson sing? (So far, all he gets to do is wear a Bluetooth and act like an ass.) Are all the security guards in New York as friendly as the guy who allowed Rachel and Kurt on stage? Finally, did you know that New York City was built on top of Old York City? (I’m pretty sure that’s not true.)

Thanks for riding on the rollercoaster ride that was season 2 of “Glee.” (It was the kind of rollercoaster that has more lows than highs.)

American Idol: I Tried

I was already dreading having to sit through the season finale of "American Idol" after Haley Reinhart's departure last week.

I'm not saying she deserved to win. (I can see that Scotty McCreery has been more consistent and WILL win.) I just wanted her in the finale so that Tuesday night's episode would at least have SOME semblance of excitement or unpredictability.

The finale was just as bad as I imagined, and I stopped watching about 20 minutes in.

It's not that I hate country music (I don't), it's just that I find Scotty and Lauren Alaina to be strong but completely unexciting and predictable singers. Whatever the opposite of "dynamic" is, that's what they are.

Things got off to an eye-rolling start when Ryan informed us that Lauren had shredded a vocal chord during rehearsal and brought out some sort of doctor to confirm the news. (As if to say, "This injury IS real and is in no way an attempt to garner sympathy votes for underdog Lauren.)

The first around had the duo reprising their favorite song from the season ("Gone" for Scotty, "Flat on the Floor" for Lauren), and I still don't understand why they do this during the performance night episode of finale week. Besides the fact that they're repeating themselves and not giving us anything fresh, what's the upside of reprising their best/favorite performance since there's a strong probability that they won't do better. (That's why David Cook is still a hero for eschewing a song he'd already done and singing Collective Soul's "The World I Know.")

In the second round, Scotty and Lauren performed songs by their musical idols (George Strait and Carrie Underwood, respectively) and it was somewhere in the middle of the George Strait song that I tuned out.

Scotty was doing what he always does (non-crazy eye edition), I have no doubt that Lauren was going to do what she always does (brushing up against greatness, but never quite achieving it), and I decided to bail out before the sure-to-be-painful Coronation Song Round. ("This is My Now" or "No Boundaries", anyone?)

The only thing I hated more than bailing out on this show after suffering through an entire season of inane judging and the occasionally painful musical stylings of Naima Adedapo, Paul McDonald and (worst of all) Jacob Lusk was...well, this finale! I realize this show gets about 25 to 30 million viewers every week, so I won't exactly be missed. I wish Scotty and Lauren good luck in their future endeavors, but I just didn't want to waste another second of my time on something I cared so little about. And this is from the guy who watched (and recapped) "Heroes" down to its bitter end.

I DID like the part during the finale where the judges didn't talk.

America's Next Top Recap: And the Winner Is...

The cycle 16 finale of “America’s Next Top Model” was billed as an epic face-off between the Trailer Park Girl and the Adopted Wonder.

Well, no it wasn’t…it just seemed that way because Brittani and Molly were forced to talk about their struggles more often than usual to fill time during the final episode of the season.

I didn’t get a chance to see this episode until a few days after the winner had been crowned — and after dutifully avoiding spoilers — but I don’t think anybody needed THAT many reminders of Brittani’s humble trailer park beginnings or the fact that Molly is adopted. (Followed by her saying is the cause of her abandonment issues.)

It’s just a shame because I think this was the strongest and most closely-contested final two in recent memory. The Editorial-Looking Girl Who Cries Too Much vs. Ms. Scowl-a-Lot Who Takes Great Pictures.

This finale followed the familiar structure of “Top Model” finales: a Cover girl commercial shoot and beauty shot, the magazine photo shoot for the winner (in this case for Vogue Italia), a ridiculous runway show, a cameo from the previous cycle’s winner (hi, Ann!) and a visit from the finalists’ families.

Well, the visit from the finalists’ families wasn’t exactly business as usual. Molly’s beloved, adorable adopted parents made the trip to Morocco, but Brittani’s agoraphobic mom — who had also undergone a recent back surgery — understandably couldn’t make it. Personally, I feel if Brittani’s mom couldn’t make the trip (and they couldn’t get a sibling or a boyfriend or a dog or ANYONE) that Molly’s parents shouldn’t have been there. Brittani, to her credit, put on a brave face, but that was borderline cruel. (And a Skype conversation with her mom IS not the same thing.)

Fortunately for Molly, the visit from her parents seemed to re-energize her after getting off to a slow, scowl-y start.

Both girls seemed to do equally as bad in their commercial shoot. Brittani seemed to be excitedly reading a laundry list from hell, while Molly couldn’t figure out what to do with her hands. The difference is that Brittani was expecting to do poorly since she’s struggled in front of the camera this season, so Molly blew a great chance to gain an advantage.

More importantly, she seemingly carried her disappointment from the commercial shoot to the Vogue Italia photo shoot where the photographers pointed out how sad and tired she looked. (They didn’t know that’s just how her face looks most of the time.)

The boost from her parents carried over to the final, Vivienne Westwood fashion show, which also featured the eliminated models from this season who were still hanging around Morocco. In fact, it may have put too much of a bounce in their step because one of the things the panel didn’t like about her runway walk was that it was too bouncy.

Brittani had the superior walk, but broke character by laughing when she was engaged in a pose-off with Molly. (Me? I don’t think laughing at the ridiculousness of this show is the worst thing in the world.)

In fact, Brittani breaking character seemed to be a MUCH bigger issue with the panel than the fact that Brittani slipped on some rose petals near the end of the show and took a disastrous spill! Of course, a big part of the reason they let it slide is because Molly got back up and returned for the end of the show with a big smile on her face, despite suffering a painful ankle injury.

The panel saw the debut of the Cover Girl commercial (Brittani’s overly excitable spot defeated Molly’s mean girl vibe) and print ad (I liked Molly’s classic shot better than Brittani, who looked startled as two hands groped at her face, except that they were her own hands). It also saw the debut of two fantastic, sleek new haircuts for both Brittani and Molly. (Molly was probably just happy that awful weave didn’t come back.)

Although Molly had better pictures over the course of the season, Brittani appeared to win the judges over mostly with her versatility and a little bit with her personal story.

I’ve been pulling for Brittani this season (even during her Alexandria-induced meltdown), so I was delighted. Meanwhile, Molly decided to wait until she lost to unleash her good-natured sense of humor for the first time in weeks. Hearing her say that she couldn’t wait to go home, take a nap and eat a pulled pork sandwich was the most likable thing she’s done outside of modeling in about a month.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did the show do the right thing by flying in Molly’s family and flying in no one for Brittani? Why would the show chop Molly’s hair off if they weren’t intending to give her modeling work? Finally, do you think the right person won?

Thanks again for watching this crazy show along with me. See you in the fall for the All-Star cycle!

Dancing with the Stars: Three-style

Crowning the season 12 winner of “Dancing with the Stars” will come down to the fans. (It will also come down to “not Kirstie Alley.”)

With Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane tied atop the judges’ leader board at the end of the final performance episode, it’s up to voters to push their favorite to the top.

Although I still think Chelsea is the most talented dancer this season, Hines and Kym has been my favorite partnership all season and I enjoy watching them dance more. (The fact that I mostly can’t stand Mark Ballas probably has a little something to do with this.)

Even before Kym suffered that scary spine injury last week, I have a feeling Hines and Kym had most of the “Dancing” nation behind him, so I expect them to pull out the win. Chelsea, meanwhile, can join the likes of Gilles Marini and Stacey Keibler on the list of Best Dancers In Their Season Who Didn’t Actually Win.

Even Kirstie Alley can take solace in the fact that she lost a considerable amount of weight…and in the fact that Maks won’t be psychologically terrorizing her anymore.

See? Everybody wins! Let’s break down last night’s final three couples, in order of appearance.

Chelsea Kane and Mark: This is the week where the judges visit the remaining three couples, and I think they were all extremely helpful. (Although pretty much any reality show judge seems helpful these days when compared to the fiasco of a judging panel on “American Idol” this year.)

Carrie Ann stopped by and helped Chelsea get in touch with her womanly side by teaching her some impressive body rolls and hip swivels. One of my main complaints during Chelsea’s Latin dances is her disappointing hip action. She absolutely corrected that during the Judges’ Choice samba, which was her best Latin dance of the season. I still think she could benefit from adopting some of Kirstie Alley’s slinkier movements, but Mark’s choreography is so ambitiously over-stuffed that there’s just no time. Still, this was a big improvement!

Did someone say “ambitiously overstuffed”?! That was the theme for the pair’s “Tron”-ish freestyle. Wow, Mark and his partner are so young and hip! (Gag.) In all seriousness though, youth and athleticism is this couple’s biggest advantage, so why not use it? The fact that Chelsea pulled off this incredibly difficult routine packed with challenging lifts meant that she deserved the three 10s she got. The battery that was supposed to power her hands and feet, on the other hand, gets a 5 from me.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: Bruno stopped by this couple’s rehearsal space and encouraged Kirstie to take more moments for herself during the dances. He also encouraged her to be more assured with her movements, but I still saw some tentativeness in their samba. Kirstie’s routine was always going to look a little tame (and lame) after Chelsea and Mark’s borderline psychotic samba, but the judges made sure to point out (for the 100th time) that Chelsea and Kirstie’s styles are very different. Overall, Kirstie did a good job.

I wish I could say the same about their hot mess of a freestyle, which I’m putting up there with Marie Osmond’s doll-themed freestyle on the disaster scale. I loved how you could tell that Maks did NOT want to do lifts, but felt compelled to throw them in just because it’s the freestyle round. To their credit, their very first lift was lovely. Unfortunately, everything else that followed was bad. Kirstie and Maks seemed out of synch when the music sped up and when Kirstie came out of doing her cartwheel. On the plus side: Kirstie Alley can do a cartwheel!

Hines Ward and Kym: I wasn’t a fan of Hines’ first quickstep, but Len was able to straighten him out by fondling Hines’ deltoids and fixing his frame and posture. Hines and Kym’s quickstep was completely charming and probably my favorite dance of the night. (Poor Kym, having to rehearse in a neck brace.)

I was a little worried about the couple for the freestyle round. As Maks solemnly pointed out, you’re expected to bust out lifts during the freestyle and that’s precisely how Kym almost got paralyzed. Fortunately, the solution was an incredibly clever halftime show-themed routine that displayed several dancing styles and included relatively low-risk lifts. (Except for the lift at the end, which was awesome and perfectly timed to the music.) Objectively, it wasn’t better than Chelsea and Mark’s routine, but I enjoyed it more…and I think that pretty much sums up this year’s contenders for the Mirrorball Trophy.

So what’d you think of this episode? Which judge would you want to counsel you? Does Kirstie have ANY chance of winning? Finally, who’s going to win — Hines or Chelsea?

American Idol: Three's a Crowd

Top 3 Night on “American Idol” is always interesting.

Each of the finalists perform three songs, but two of those songs are selected for them by the producers (in this case, the Jimmy Iovine Round) and by the judges. (But let’s be real…probably the producers again.)

What that means is that we usually get a not-so-subtle clue as to who the powers that be want to see in the finalists. Someone gets a bum song choice here…somebody else gets a gospel choir and/or dramatic lighting there.

I’m happy to report that I detected no such shenanigans during last night’s episode. Well, nothing beyond the judges’ relentless inanity. (And even the cynical part of me thinks the judges backed off of Haley this week so that maybe her fans won’t rally for her as ferociously as they have the last couple of weeks.)

Unfortunately, I also have to report that the episode was extremely light on excitement or any surprises from a musical standpoint: every song chosen by the producers, judges and contestants was pretty much exactly what you’d expect them to pick. (Except for Haley’s Led Zeppelin number, which featured a rockin’ assist from her dad .)

I promise I’m not banging on the “I Heart Haley” drum — I’ll get to her other two performances in a bit — but her take on “What Is and What Should Never Be” was the best performance of the evening. This despite (or because of) the fact that she took a noticeable tumble as she was headed back to the stage after dancing her way around the judges’ table.

I actually wasn’t watching the TV when it happened, and the only reason I noticed something had gone wrong was because she abruptly stopped singing for a second. Still, the way she quickly recovered was impressive and, more importantly, I didn’t see it affect the rest of her song or either of her subsequent performances. But enough about the fall. The song itself was a welcome bust of energy on last night’s “Nashville Star”, I mean “American Idol.” I know the judges are always telling Haley to go for a bluesy vibe, but I thought classic rock looked good on her.

It’s a good thing she “won” Round 1. (Hey, I don’t just ignore the judges when they’re being idiots — I’ve tuned them COMPLETELY out, even when they happen to say something I agree with.

Jimmy Iovince picked Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon” for her, but the only thing I remember is “wind machine.” I also recall Haley not exactly doing a Stevie Nicks impersonation, but instead adopting a more chill vibe in her performance than she normally might. The judges picked Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Now” and Haley did just about as well as you’d expect her to on the chorus. The problem came in the lyrically-tricky run up to that angry chorus, where Haley got noticeably and suspiciously mumble-y.

And now, the country music portion of this recap.

Scotty McCreery opened the night by doing a solid job on Lonestar’s “Amazed.” Guest mentor Beyonce noted that Scotty seemed to be straining during the high notes which made me realize that the reason Scotty feels the need to stretch for those notes is because his efficient excellence isn’t the most thrilling thing in the world to watch. (A less tactful person would simply say that he’s boring.) All I know is that nobody was asking Barry White to stretch for high notes. Then again, he was never on “American Idol.”

For his second song, Scotty switched plaid shirts and delivered his best performance of the night. Jimmy selected Thompson Square’s “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not” and Scotty was mostly able to maintain control of his crazy eyes and deliver a simple, joyful performance, which he hadn’t really done without bopping across the stage. At the very least, it snapped me out of the stupor that I usually fall into during his performances. (Randy and J.Lo, who are officially now the same person, awarded him round two.)

Unfortunately, I went right back to that stupor for his third song, Kenny Rogers’ “She Believes in Me.” Call me a bad recapper, but I honestly couldn’t tell you a single thing about this performance…other than he was wearing a dark sports jacket and no plaid. (Viva variety!)

Finally, there’s Lauren Alaina, who the judges have so desperately wanted us to believe was American Idol material from the first time they showcased her during auditions. (They’re evil genius plan is actually one step away from working!) The more I listen to Lauren, the more I actually started to believe that they weren’t completely wrong to feel that way. Lauren, indeed, has a fantastic voice and is very technically gifted for somebody who is so young.

The problem is that she has absolutely no idea how to connect to a song, and she also has no clue how to work a crowd or the stage. Beyonce actually touched on this right before her first performance when she told Lauren about the stage persona Beyonce creates for herself. Once again, Lauren either ignored or wasn’t able to apply her mentor’s advice and delivered yet another thoroughly tepid cover of a pop country song by a female vocalist. (This time it was Faith Hill’s “Wild One.”) Does Miranda Lambert feel insulted that Lauren hasn’t tried to sing one of her songs? She’s done practically everyone else?

Lauren’s best performance came during the second round, when she sang The Band Perry’s “If I Die Young.” It was one of the few times she seemed to genuinely connect to the material. In fact, it seemed like she connected SO much that she missed a cue and botched a key change. Still, her recovery was very good and it was still a highlight for her.I can’t say the same for her forgettable, by-the-numbers version of LeAnn Womack’s “I Hope You Dance”, the judges’ choice. Of course, since Haley had unanimously “won” round 1, and Scotty had “won” round 2, it was Lauren’s turn to pull out a “win” and even things out. J.Lo was even nice enough to declare her the winner of round 3 as soon as she was done singing. (I’m sure Haley LOVED hearing that backstage.)

So what’d you think of this episode? What’d you think of Beyonce as a guest mentor? (I thought she was mostly a non-factor who mostly wanted to promote her new video/album, but I find it very telling that a lot of these super-successful artists seem to dig Haley the most. Beyonce even got bleeped out for talking about how she goes “balls out.”) Does Randy get paid by the “In It To Win It”s? Finally, who do you think is going home? Let me rephrase: who do you think will earn the chance to lose to Scotty next week?

Glee: Taking the 'Fun' out of Funeral

When I heard last night’s episode of “Glee” was called “Funeral”, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to kill off Sue Sylvester.

Obviously that was never going to happen because Emmy winner Jane Lynch’s creation is the show’s breakout character. However, if you read this column on a regular basis, I must sound like a broken record every time I complain about how repetitive, obnoxious, unnecessary Sue has become.

“Funeral” was one of the two or three episodes per season when “Glee” shows us Sue’s softer side. As contrived and unrealistic as it can feel — this is someone who was threatening to torture someone with dental equipment just last week — I was mostly relieved to see Sue act like a like something resembling a real person for the first time in a LONG time.

That helped make “Funeral” the second consecutive strong episode of “Glee”, a streak that seemed unthinkable in recent months!

Sure, killing off Sue’s Down Syndrome-afflicted sister Jean — who was unfortunately more of a plot contrivance to humanize Sue than a real person — didn’t exactly raise the stakes as we head toward the season 2 finale, but it sure beefed up Jane Lynch’s Emmy reel. I really loved the way the actress modified her performance so that even her digs at Will or Herman and Eddie Munster (Finn and Kurt) had an undercurrent of sadness. (Even when she told Will that if she leaned on him, as Will had offered, she’d slide right off because of the grease in his hair, her heart wasn’t really in it.)

And the Willy Wonka-themed funeral (organized by Kurt and Finn after learning it was Jean’s favorite movie) wrecked me. I’m not afraid to admit it. It was so beautiful that it melted Sue’s heart: she decided to end her vendetta against the glee club and announced that she was running for office. As you probably guessed, I’m actually hoping Sue follows through on this promise because it would mean less Sue and her Schemes of the Week. (Plus, glimpses of Sue in the political arena would be good for some laughs.)

The main problem is that I believe Sue’s character has been taken too far out of the realm of believability to ever bring her back. (And I’m pretty sure Jane Lynch isn’t going anywhere.) Put it this way: if Sue went back to hating the glee club by the end of next week’s season finale, would you really be surprised? (I wouldn’t…not even a little bit.)

The other part of this strong episode had New Directions making their final preparations for Nationals. Will was packing up his sweater vests in preparation for his Broadway debut (I honestly couldn’t care less about Will or about this storyline since we know he’ll be back). More importantly, Jesse St. James joined New Directions as a consultant.

After bashing Finn some more — saying he sings and dances like a zombie who has to poop is cruel, but not COMPLETELY inaccurate — Jesse convinced the glee club that the way to win was to build their group around a star. (And to keep doing, “Weekend at Bernie’s”-style, even if someone died on stage.)

That set the stage for auditions to be New Directions’ featured vocalists. Once again, I like that this setup (from series creator/episode writer Ryan Murphy) allowed the musical numbers to unfold in a more organic way. (Same deal for the club’s song during the funeral.)

I’m pretty sure that we were supposed to hate Jesse for his criticisms of Santana, Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel…but I actually think he had valid points. That reality TV judging class really paid off, and Mr. Schue is more of a Paula (or Steven Tyler) anyway. Bringing a critical eye to the proceedings wasn’t the worst thing in a world where Mr. Schue thinks everything is wonderful.

Sure, some of the punch from Jesse’s stinging critiques was taken away when he all but admitted that he’d come back to make amends for egging Rachel by handing her a shot to be a star at Nationals. Still, it was an enjoyable turn of events.

Less enjoyable was Finn breaking up with Quinn, especially after Quinn’s initial refusal to acknowledge the fact that Finn was dumping her. Quinn even said she was willing to wait out Finn’s infatuation with Rachel. Earlier this season, Quinn told Rachel that she accepted the fact that Rachel was destined for superstardom, while Quinn was destined to peak in high school and settle for a life with Finn in Lima. Now, she doesn’t even get Finn. Ouch. Whatever she has a cooked up for next week’s episode won’t be pretty.

Let’s break down the musical performances:

“Back to Black”…A-: Rachel wasn’t the only one who admire Santana’s husky tone (thanks, cigars!) in this strong performance of “Back to Black.” Still, Jesse had a good point: Santana obviously has her guard up in a major way as a person, so why wouldn’t that extend to her performance on stage? It’s not that Santana can’t open up — we saw her do so in the Fleetwood Mac episode — it’s that she usually doesn’t want to.

“Some People”…B: Jesse was absolutely right on the nose again: personally, I think Chris Colfer/Kurt is remarkable, but it CAN be off-putting to watch a guy perform songs that are meant for women. This wasn’t even his best “Gypsy” performance. (“Rose’s Turn” was better.)

“Try a Little Tenderness”…A: From a storyline perspective, Jesse’s critique about Mercedes being lazy made sense since she claimed she didn’t even need to warm up right before she took the stage. But, DAMN! If she can sound this kickass without warming up (or doing anything else), who freaking cares?!

“My Man”…B+: Maybe I’m spoiled, but — while this was very good — I really don’t think it joined the pantheon of great Rachel Berry ballads. This wasn’t even his best Barbra Streisand performance. (Both “Don’t Rain on My Parade” and “Papa Can You Hear Me” were better.)

“Pure Imagination”…A: The fact that I have a soft spot for this song helps, but I thought Finn and, especially, Kurt’s high, almost-angelic tones worked perfectly for this number.

So what’d you think of this episode? Don’t you kind of wish UCLA DID offer a class on reality show judging? (How fast can we sign Randy Jackson up for that class?!) How can one man own so many sweater vests? Do you think we’ve seen the last of Miami-bound Terri? Finally, is there a more perfect nickname than the one Sue gave Howard Bamboo? (Sue: “You’re Panda Express.” Howard: “I’m not Chinese.” Sue: “Neither is the food at Panda Express.”)

Dancing with the Stars: Pain in the Neck

There’s a strong chance that last night’s “Winner Takes All Cha Cha” was solely created to put Chelsea and Mark in the finals.

Let’s be real: Disney Channel star Chelsea (running to Google to make sure I have the right last name) Kane does NOT have as big a fan base as Ralph Macchio or Kirstie Alley. And she certainly doesn’t have the support of Steeler Nation, like Hines.

So it’s not exactly shocking that the show would want to invent a way to gift an extra 15 points to (arguably) the season’s most gifted dancer, who would presumably attract a younger audience to next week’s finals.

But enough of my ridiculous conspiracy theories. Let’s break down last night’s episode, which featured four couples performing a whopping 18 routines and one judge telling someone “You were too rough with your pussy, darling.” (Take a wild guess as to which judge provided that soundbite.)

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Ralph seemed mostly recovered from last week’s injuries, but he (and Karina) seemed to be having a harder time bouncing back from being the least well-reviewed couple left on the show. The beginning of their Argentine tango was promising (street lamp), but the routine itself ended up being listless. I expect a guy with a bad leg to not nail all his tango kicks, but I don’t expect the dance to be a total snooze.

Their salsa — which hilariously/inexplicably featured Ralph as a baby-faced Tony Montana and Karina auditioning for the role of Cheetara in the “Thundercats” movie that only exists in my head (and inspiring Bruno’s lewd comment) — was an even bigger wreck. I admire that Ralph tried to do something a little more “fun”, but…oh, wait…that’s not true! To me, Ralph’s greatest weakness this year (other than his health) has been his over-the-top/hyper dancing. He’s been at his best this season when he’s reeled that in a bit. I mean, do we REALLY want to see Ralph Macchio as a wild and crazy guy? It just feels like we love him as the sweet guy who gushes over his wife in his pre-performance package.

Since Ralph was at the bottom of the leader board, he was the fourth seed in the Winner Takes All Cha Cha mini-tournament. Cha cha has never been his strength and, once again, his dance was covered with stiffness (his shoulders were way too high) and a lack of hip action.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: After her weekly rehearsal week meltdown — should we all pitch in for some sensitivity training for Maks or do we actually like him this way — Kirstie delivered two rock solid dances.

Her Viennese waltz was both lively and lovely (those spinning arm turns were fun to watch), while her Paso Doble was similarly strong (and not just her epic headband that made her look like a superhero). Also, apparently I was the last person to know that Kirstie Alley was some kind of coke fiend.

Unfortunately, her Winner Takes All face/off against Chelsea (which was shaping up to be an interesting contrast in style) never got going. Kirstie and Maks seemed to have trouble getting started to the beginning, and she lost.

Chelsea Kane and Mark: I’m with Carrie Ann on this one: Chelsea’s legs WERE disappointingly weak during her Argentine tango, which also compared unfavorably to Gilles Marini and Cheryl’s routine to the same music a few years ago. If it sounds like I’m a little harsh on Chelsea, it’s because I think she’s the best dancer this season, yet she keeps getting held back for various reasons. (Usually involving her idiot partner.)

Fortunately, the duo bounced back with an appropriately flowy rumba. I just don’t know if I thought it was sexy and I certainly don’t think it merited a perfect score. On a more personal basis, I’m still seeing a little too much contemporary and not enough ballroom in Mark’s choreography. (Just join “So You Think You Can Dance” already! Oh wait, I watch that show too…just go away, Mark!)

As I mentioned before, Chelsea and Mark captured the extra 15 points and vaulted to the top of the leader board after defeating Hines and Kym in the Winner Takes All challenge. I guess none of the judges minded that Chelsea and Mark performed pretty much the same routine for their “instant” final matchup against Hines that they did against Kirstie in the previous round. (I realize that time was extremely short and that Hines also performed a very similar routine, but the difference is that Mark is a Pro AND a lead, so he should’ve at least been able to guide Chelsea through some new moves.)

Hines Ward and Kym: Remember how I said that the producers catapulted Chelsea and Mark to the finals last night? Well, it doesn’t really matter because I think Hines and Kym won this season last night.

Oof! Kym’s fall during rehearsal (pictured, left) was bad enough without having a professional football player land on top of her and drive her neck and spine into the ground. I’ve never nearly paralyzed someone, but I HAVE danced with someone who injured their ankle and even that made me feel guilty and awful. I can only imagine how Hines felt. That’s why I got goosebumps after Hines and Kym’s Argentine tango, despite the fact that it wasn’t the most thrilling routine in the world. Seeing the way Hines emotionally and physically supported Kym was beautiful, and I’m not going to get worked up about the judges giving them a perfect score.

I WILL get worked up over their perfect 30 for their salsa. Their side-by-side stuff was good, but I didn’t think it had enough heat or hip action. I just don’t’ think this show does salsa very well. It always winds up looking like a Generic Latin Dance. (Could you definitely tell it apart from a mambo? Or a cha cha?

Hines easily won his round 1 Winner Takes All matchup against Kirstie, but seemed exhausted in every way by the time he had to take on Chelsea in the finals. It doesn’t matter. I believe Hines will make it into the finals. He’s been a fan favorite all season, but after seeing this couple last night and how much they care for each other, I think they clinched the Mirrorball Trophy yesterday.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it “cha cha” or “cha cha cha”? (Make up your mind, show!) Did you think it was possible to botch a coin flip as spectacularly as Brooke did last night? Finally, who do you think will join Hines and Chelsea in the finals? (Unfortunately for Ralph, I don’t think his fake butt will be enough to propel him to next week’s finals.)

Hanna Review

For better and for worse, “Hanna” isn’t your typical action movie.

On one hand, I figured that would be the case as soon as I saw it was directed by not-quite-action-maestro Joe Wright (“Pride and Prejudice”, “Atonement”). On the other hand, I thoroughly enjoyed those two movies and I’m always interested to see a new sensibility brought to action movies. (Imagine if Christopher Nolan had never gotten a shot at Batman.)

In this case, the result is surprisingly thin on action (especially in the movie’s middle section), but heavy on intriguing, Euro-flavored stylistic touches, including a fantastic soundtrack by the Chemical Bros. that often appears to reflect the characters’ emotional and mental states.

Hanna (Saoirse Ronan) is a 16-year-old girl raised in the Finnish wilderness by her father Erik (Eric Bana), a former CIA agent. For her entire life, Hanna has been isolated from the rest of the world and trained to become an assassin: more specifically, she’s been trained to assassinate witchy CIA agent Marissa Wiegler (Oscar winner Cate Blanchett).

I use the word “witchy” to describe Marissa because one of the flourishes Wright incorporates in his movie is staging the world of “Hanna” as some sort of fractured fairy tale. (I guess Marissa could just as easily be the story’s Big Bad Wolf.)

Unfortunately, the fairy tale template, kickass soundtrack and Wright’s occasionally fancy camera tricks — I LOVED the director’s continuous shots in the scene where Bana takes out a bunch of bad guys and with Hanna’s fight in the shipping yard — are mostly there to liven up a story that’s not incredibly compelling.

Throughout “Hanna”, we get hints of the junior assassin’s back story, but by the time it pays off and we find out the truth about Hanna’s past, it almost seems like an afterthought with all the other weirdness going on.

Blanchett and her red wig give an (intentionally) over-the-top performance that isn’t ever grounded in any sort of reality, so I felt that it lacked context. Basically, she’s just mythically and chillingly evil only because the story demands it. Bana, meanwhile, has some strong father-daughter moments with Ronan, but is otherwise a blank slate. I understand that works for his character, but it doesn’t give us a whole lot to hold on to.

Tom Hollander livened things up considerably as Isaacs, the eccentric baddie Marissa tasks with capturing Hanna. In keeping with the rest of the movie, the character was tonally wacky — he and his henchmen looked like they had a hit song in the early 90’s — but at least he was funny as hell.

Still, the star of the show was Ronan (an Oscar nominee for “Atonement”) who is absolutely sensational as Hanna.

As Hanna discovers the world for the first time (well, Morocco and Germany, at least), Ronan does a terrific job of playing the confusion, wonder and terror her character would be feeling. Although I didn’t care for the more famous, actors in the movie, I was totally into Hanna’s accidental and touching friendship with a British girl named Sophie (an excellent Jessica Barden) and her squabbling British family.

On top of that, it doesn’t hurt that she makes for a completely credible ass kicker.

I really like that Hanna is an original creation — giving us a break from a sequel, reboot, spinoff, etc. — and I absolutely believe the character would be worth re-visiting. (Especially if Ronan gets to play the hell out of her again.) I also wouldn’t mind seeing Wright take another crack at an action movie.

I just hope that next time Ronan’s performance and Wright’s style are used to support a more substantial movie.

Hanna…B-

Fast Five Review

So apparently, Vin Diesel has been going around telling people that "Fast Five" could be an Oscar contender.

The fact that I can’t tell if he’s kidding helps illustrate why I enjoyed this movie so much: I’m not 100% sure if the cast and crew of “Fast Five” are aware of how dopey their movie is.

I have a feeling that director Justin Lin — who helmed the previous two entries in this franchise — and writer Chris Morgan — yes, this movie has a writer, smartass — aren’t being completely serious when they have their two leading men calmly drive off a cliff without getting hurt or when they have a heart-to-heart about fatherhood on a porch.

But the fact that the spectacular action and simplistic dialogue are delivered without a cutesy wink to the audience tells me that everyone behind this movie has a healthy appreciation for a good ol’ fashioned ridiculous action movie. Basically, “Fast Five” accomplished what “The Expendables” couldn’t…and without really trying.

“Fast Five” picks up right where the previous movie left off, with rogue FBI agent Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) and girlfriend Mia (Jordana Brewster) helping Mia’s brother, Dominic (Vin Diesel) make a daring escape as he is being transported in a prison bus. The fact that the escape plan could’ve potentially killed Dominic (that bus flipped over about 25 times) but instead no one was injured (we can’t have the good guys hurting anyone) immediately set the gleefully absurd tone.

The three flee to Rio de Janeiro, where they become entangled with a crooked businessman/crime lord named Reyes after a botched train heist. (By the way, that train sequence really was something to see. Kudos to Lin and his team of stuntmen: I’m assuming they used SOME special effects in this movie, but it was never really obvious.)

Dominic and Brian decide to assemble a team — kind of like a meathead “Ocean’s Eleven” — comprised of characters we’ve met in the previous four movies, so they can steal Reyes’ fortune and retire after one more big job. (Until the next movie.)

Unfortunately for them, they also have to contend with Dwayne Johnson (in the sweatiest performance of the year) as a badass federal agent with an obsession for tight Under Armour shirts who has been tasked with bringing the boys to justice.

Basically, this flick delivers everything you’d ever want from a “Fast” movie, including unintentional (mostly from how slow Vin Diesel speaks) AND intentional comedy (mostly from everything The Rock says).

I already talked about how refreshingly uncomplicated “Fast Five” is, but I think one of the more underrated charms of the entire franchise is the broad appeal of the cast. There’s something for everyone! Not only is there something for men (the cars, the near-silent babes) and women (every male in the cast was either sleeveless or wore T-shirts two sizes too small) but there are black guys, an Asian guy, Hispanic guys and gals, plus whatever the hell Vin Diesel and The Rock are. Hell, there’s even a white guy! (And I can think of fewer white guys who are whiter than Paul Walker.)

The movie also did a good job of giving each cast member of moment to shine, but the ensemble is led by Vin Diesel (who looks like he has to think very hard about everything his character says before he speaks) and Paul Walker (who seems like maybe he should think a little more before he speaks). So it’s only mildly surprising that The Rock (chewing the scenery fantastically) ended up being the best thing in the movie.

Another thing I liked about “Fast Five” is that — unlike say “Battle: Los Angeles” — the movie took full advantage of its setting. Besides the multiple shots of the Christ the Redeemer statue (in case you forgot where we were), the slum-like favelas, the sweat and multiple girls’ asses hanging out made it clear that we were in Rio.

In fact, the only negative I can think of is that, no matter how much fun you’re having, I don’t think ANY “Fast” movie needs to be two hours and 10 minutes long. (A bit too much time spent planning the heist) On top of that, there were long stretches of the movie without the movie’s real star: the cars!

Fortunately, the movie fixes both of these problems when the crew hilariously throws their intricate, complex plan out the window and decides to destroy pretty much all of downtown Rio de Janeiro in the movies exhilarating car chase climax.

“Fast Five” is the best movie I’ve seen this year. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any other movie franchise that has peaked with its fifth movie.

Fast Five…A-

America's Next Top Recap: Issues and Tissues

Heading into the season finale next week, I’d say the two best contestants are still in the running toward becoming “America’s Next Top Model.”

I don’t know how Tyra and her merry band of fashionable eccentrics did it, but they managed to pare cycle 16 down to (in my opinion) the two strongest contenders. Given all the conflicting advice, nonsensical challenges and general ridiculousness this year (bees, fire and baby jaguars, oh my!), I’d call that a minor miracle.

And yet here we are.

Of course, before we got our final two somebody from the Molly, Hannah and Brittani triumvirate had to go home.

With only three people left, there naturally isn’t all that much going on. That’s probably why the show’s editors decided to reiterate each of the semifinalists’ “issues.” To recap: Molly has abandonment issues that stem from being adopted. Brittani is trying to get out of the trailer park and “see the world” as a model. Finally, (and most alarmingly) Hannah had to overcome growing up in Houston (the horror!) which is apparently a small town from which any young person aspiring for greatness must flee.

My favorite part was Brittani summing up Molly’s perpetual sourness thusly: “Molly doesn’t make lemonade out of lemons,” she said. “No, she just makes a lemon face,” I said.

Mr. Jay stopped by to present the week’s challenge, which had the girls flexing their “journalistic” muscles by producing a 90-second video segment for the insider on either henna, black kohl or argan oil. Hannah was feeling confident because she aspires to be an on-camera personality and studied journalism in college. (Cut to me saying “Oh no.”)

Brittani’s video was by far the worst, but even it’s terribleness — flubbed lines, the camera following her out of the room, Brittani not letting the locals talk at all — was compelling in a train wreck-y way. At the other, competent end of the spectrum, Molly’s video was CLEARY the best and even seemed borderline professional at times…except for the part where the camera stayed on her for a few extra seconds and her lemon face made a cameo. Hannah, as you’d expect was unmemorably somewhere in the middle.

Since I know as much today about henna, black kohl and argan oil today as I did yesterday (zippo!) I’d say they weren’t the most instructional videos in the world.

The reward for Molly was that her video would be online. (Sure, I’ll go check that out right now.)

Since there was still some time to fill, Tyra popped for a visit wearing comfy-looking, but eternally unflattering pants. (But the butch leather jacket totally saved it, right? Wrong!) Tyra had the girls re-hash their stories because the tears of young women nourish her soul. (And that soul’s been hungry ever since Tyra stopped doing her talk show.) Don’t believe me? Look at the way she flocked over to Brittani as soon as Brittani started crying about how other kids made fun of her agoraphobic mother.

Tyra led the girls outside for a photo shoot in which she also did their hair and makeup. This shoot appeared to serve absolutely no purpose other than to kill time before the week’s main photo shoot with male model Younis.

The girls were each playing a girl who’d just gotten engaged, and Tyra would be selecting two pictures to show at panel.

For the third week in a row, Molly received and deserved top photo honors, mostly for the striking pose in her first photo. She had the best tandem of pictures, although I’d probably pick Brittani’s cry-y pic as the second best. Hannah (tapping into that acting, I guess) was REALLY focused on her character. In fact, she may have been too focused because Mr. Jay and Nigel kept telling her that she was going over the top.

That meant Hannah was sent packing. I’m guessing the time Tyra spent with Brittani during this week’s photo challenge was the deciding factor. (Or maybe I’m still trying to ascribe meaning to that meaningless sequence.)

I’d love to tell you that I’m sad about this, but the only defining personality trait we got from Hannah was that she had little personality. On top of that, hearing Hannah talk so much in this episode made her seem…not…brilliant. (As someone who also studied journalism, it pains me to say that…and also I’m not surprised.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Was I the only one slightly disappointed that Hannah didn’t get to report on henna? Why is Andre Leon Talley obsessed with belts all of a sudden? Can Brittani take a great picture without crying? Finally, who do you think will win? (Although I’ve somewhat gotten used to Molly’s perpetual sour face, I’m rooting for Brittani: I think she’s the more editorial girl. Like I know what I’m talking about.)

American Idol: Inspiration Date

The judges want Haley Reinhart to win!

I had this “Aha!” moment as I was preparing to write this recap. The plan is to have Randy and J.Lo (but not Steven, because he loves everything) ignore virtually everything having to do with vocal performance whenever Haley sings. This — coupled with the fact that they refuse to criticize anyone else for anything — will infuriate and galvanize fans to vote for her, leading to her eventual crowning as…

…I’m sorry, I just couldn’t keep it up.

You see, in order to execute such a devious scheme, the people involved would have to be smart and cunning enough to pull it off. Now I have little doubt that the members of the current “American Idol” judging panel are incredibly gifted at other facets of life and entertainment. It’s just that they’re uniquely, stunningly bad at judging a singing competition. Well, except for Randy…he appears to be terrible at everything.

Although, there WAS that one time he played bass for Journey. I really wish the show had brought that up before last night! Speaking of last night, the contestants took on two songs. In round 1, they performed a song that inspired them. In round 2, they took on the songbook of Leiber and Stoller. (Don’t worry, I didn’t know who that was either…probably because I’m under the age of 50.)

Now, if I were forced to bet every single penny in my savings account on what each remaining contestant would sing in the first round, I’d guess that James Durbin would sing a rock song from the 80’s, Scotty McCreery would sing an old-fashioned/traditional country song and that Lauren “A-” Alaina would sing a poppier country song/ballad. On the other hand, I’d have absolutely no idea what Haley would sing…and that’s precisely what I love about her. Unfortunately for her, it’s also what the judges hate about her.

James Durbin opened the show with the most spectacular karaoke performance of “Don’t Stop Believin’” you’re likely to see this week. He sounded very good, but I was so overwhelmed by the staggering lack of imagination that the suck-up factor (to Randy) never even came into play for me.

Lauren and Scotty, meanwhile, decided to pay tribute to god and country, respectively. I absolutely hate to sound glib and question how much each of their songs meant to Lauren and Scotty. It’s just that they’re choices for songs that inspire them were so…uninspiring.

I’d give the definite edge to Lauren’s strongly-sung/once-again-short-of-spectacular version of Martina McBride’s “Anyway” over Scotty’s confidently/coolly performed, but less vocally-taxing cover of Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You (When The World Stopped Spinning.) At least we didn’t have to deal with his hyperactive eyebrows in round 1.

Then there’s Haley. Look, no one thinks her performance of “Earth Song” was amazing by any stretch of her imagination. (In fact, it’s probably one of my least favorite Haley performances: I liked the force with which she ended, but the first half was pretty lame.) The problem is that the judges have now openly and almost completely eschewed talking about aspect of her singing to pick apart her song choices. So Haley didn’t sing the song you wanted her to sing…who cares? Do you think I’ve heard even half the stuff Scotty has sung this year? Of course not! Somehow I manage to open my ears and focus on the performance.

What makes it even more maddening is Jennifer’s advice that Haley needs to sing songs that more people know and can connect to. Because what the world needs after “The Sopranos” and “Glee” is the umpteenth revival of “Don’t Stop Believin’” Ick.

Anyway, just like last week the judges over-praised Haley in round 2 after slamming her in round 1. With help from mentor Lady Gaga — who focused on upping the drama on stage with all the contestants — Haley delivered a what was probably the best vocal of the night (right there with Lauren on “Anyway”) and drew a standing ovation from the panel.

When I saw the judges give her that ovation, I reflexively rolled my eyes. Last week, I praised Haley’s “who gives a s--- what you guys think?” face to the judges. That being said, I felt like her talking back to the judges made her look petulant. We all know they’re fools, so mixing it up with them is not worth it. It’s like getting in a debate with Donald Trump.

The best/worst part was the awkward hug that Ryan forced Haley to give Randy. She hugged him the way you’d hug someone who hadn’t showered in two months.

As for the rest of round 2: I’d love to tell you more about Scotty’s performance of “Young Blood”, but I only wrote down the words “CRAZY” and “EYES” in my notes. (In all seriousness, he sounded good…I just wish I’d just been listening to this performance, instead of watching it too.) More importantly, Scotty survived his close encounter with Lady Gaga. (At least I’m pretty confident he’s not going to hell.)

Lady Gaga similarly tried to convince Lauren to live in sin by trying to convince the teenager that saying that she was “evil” was NOT the worst thing in the world. Lauren’s performance was lively and competent, but I didn’t for one second believe that she’s “evil.” The good news is that she’s good person. The bad news is that she’s shown the exact amount of inability to connect to a song that you’d expect from a 16 year old.

Finally, there’s James who closed out the night with a non-hip swiveling rendition of “Love Potion No. 9.” (Despite Lady Gaga’s pleas.) As with most of his performances, it was decently sung with a special emphasis on his beloved high notes and overshadowed by his stage theatrics. I mean, when your performance ends with pyro/firework going off in the background for the 10th time, it just doesn’t have the same impact it did that first time.

So what’d you think of this episode? Who would you rather hang out with in the “Idol’ audience: Casey Abrams or Paul McDonald? Finally, if Lauren was worried about saying she was “evil”, why pick a song that featured the word approximately 97 times?

Glee: Prom Wonderful

Last night’s prom-themed episode of “Glee” gave me hope that the show just might close out its wildly inconsistent second season on a high (Auto-Tuned) note.

Sure, there will always be things about this show that make absolutely no sense. Like the fact that glee club members are supposed to be social outcasts, but 5 out of 6 of them (Finn/Quinn, Puck/Lauren, Santana) were apparently frontrunners for prom king and queen.

And, as always, anything Sue says or does falls under this category. This week we learned that she’s her own dentist and that her grandmother drowned in her punch bowl (eye roll), although I did enjoy her Charles Barkley-like “John McCain is rolling over in his grave” line.

Fortunately, there was tons of other great stuff that made up for that bit of sloppiness.

I really liked the opening scene that set up the final leg of the “Election”-like race for prom king and queen. I also liked the implication that Puck was whipped and that his bad boy reputation has taken a serious hit since he started dating Lauren. I would’ve liked it even more if the episode hadn’t seemingly abandoned this plot after Artie got busted trying to “spike” Sue’s punch (at Puck’s request), but maybe hopefully they’ll pick up on that next week.

Still, my absolute favorite thing about this funny and engaging episode that found a way to serve most of its main characters was that (gasp!) the musical numbers actually made sense within the contest of the episode. Obviously, anytime people are breaking into song and dance on a movie or TV show, you have to suspend disbelief, but that’s not exactly what I’m talking about. I’m talking about forced sequences like the “spontaneous” mall performances or gas-induced hallucinations the show has thrown at us this season.

Principal Figgins asked the glee club to perform at prom, so most of the songs in last night’s episode felt a little more organic. The over-the-top enthusiasm we usually see from the cast when they’re performing didn’t feel off-putting. It felt right. Good times all around.

Well, unless you’re Kurt.

After asking Blaine (who’d had his own traumatizing school dance experience) to prom, Kurt excitedly began preparing for the big event. That included modeling his “gay Braveheart” outfit (Finn’s words). My favorite thing about this scene is that Burt sort of called Kurt out for something I’ve been thinking about recently. Now, I would never, EVER advocate bullying of any kind. On the other hand, some of the outfits Kurt wears are just begging people to say…something. (This is a guy who wore a top hat two weeks ago when he returned to McKinley.)

Obviously, no one has the right to restrict what another person should wear or keep them from expressing themselves. By that same token, you can’t really stop me from making fun or maybe judging someone who is wearing a ridiculous costume.

Anyway, even though I knew Kurt and Karofsky would win prom king and queen (I couldn’t help reading the story about the extra who blabbed on Twitter) it still didn’t really make that much sense to me. Even though we finally got see a kinder, more appealing side of Karofsky this episode, is there any explanation for him actually beating out the seemingly more popular Finn? Do people really love themselves Karofsky that much?! (I know the Bully Whips berets are awesome, but still.) As for Kurt, I guess all the unseen students at McKinley High REALLY had it out for him — even though he just came back a few weeks ago — and really wanted to humiliate him.

Even though this result didn’t make sense to me, I don’t think it marred the episode’s lively prom.

For one thing, Jesse St. James was back in the house after flunking out of college. (It turns out you have to attend classes that have nothing to do with show choir.) Although he somewhat had his tail between his legs after humiliating Rachel, I was glad to see that he was still (mostly) the same cocky mega-talented idiot we met last year. And it seems like he’s going to be sticking around to help New Directions get ready for Nationals.

Of course, we also know that he’s going to be sticking around so he can fill a place in the love quadrangle along with Rachel, Finn and Quinn. The two almost came to blows at the prom when Finn though he was dancing a little close with Rachel. This was after Rachel claimed that she’d always respected Finn’s relationship with Quinn (yeah right!) and was followed by Quinn slapping Rachel in the ladies room.

The episode also featured a heartbroken Artie (it was big of you to apologize, but you blew it bro!) and a bolo-tie wearing Sam, who attended the prom as Mercedes’ sorta-date. But let’s see how all these people did in their musical performances:

“Rolling in the Deep”…B+: It’s hard to make a better entrance than Jonathan Groff made in this episode. Given the eggy way Jesse St. James left his relationship with Rachel, the song also made sense from a storytelling standpoint. (Imagine that!) Also, those people in the A/V club are pretty strong singers…why aren’t THEY in glee club. They’d contribute more than Mike Chang. The only thing I didn’t love was that —even though this was an acapella arrangement — this obviously sounded like a recording. (I know they’re ALL recordings, but they don’t have to sound that way.)

“Isn’t She Lovely”…A: I loved the acapella opening (Kevin McHale’s voice got a nice chance to shine) and I thoroughly enjoyed the relatively stripped down arrangement. (Even if the song is about a baby.) I dug the simplicity, and it was kind of cool that Brittany didn’t just instantly forgive Artie.

“Friday”…B+: A match made in Auto-Tune heaven! Not exactly sure how singing this song (along with Sam and Artie) was supposed to restore Puck’s reputation as a badass. Anyway, Santana checking out a girl as she was awkwardly dancing with Karofsky was brilliant!

“Jar of Hearts”…B: Lea Michele sounded great (as usual), but I’m almost as over Rachel pining for Finn as I am over anything having to do with Sue. Either go after him or don’t…stop this passive aggressive garbage!

“I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You”…C+: Unfortunately, this performance didn’t make much of an impact because it was basically background music to the fight between Finn and Jesse.

“Dancing Queen”…A: The song fit perfectly what was going on after Karofsky refused to dance with Kurt. (By the way, who the hell is Kurt to tell someone else when they should come out?! I REALLY hate Kurt sometimes.) More importantly, since I think “River Deep, Mountain High” was one of the best performances this show has ever given us, I thoroughly enjoyed hearing Mercedes and Santana singing together.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did Figgins almost overpay Air Supply by offering them $400? How great was it that Rachel could appreciate the drama of being slapped in the face? Finally, exactly how many people’s dates do you think Brittany ended up stealing?

Dancing with the Stars: Falling Down

Maybe I’m wrong, but I remember Instant Dance week being a lot more fun the first time around.

Last night the five remaining couples on “Dancing with the Stars” each performed a regular routine followed by an “instant” dance to a song they selected after their first performance. Although each couple knew what style they’d be dancing, they didn’t know what song they’d be performing to and had just “minutes” to prepare. (It was more like 50 or 60 minutes, but “minutes” nonetheless.) This is especially challenging because the celebrities are obviously not incredibly familiar with any of the dance styles, so they often take their cues from the music.

Either way, it was disappointing to see that none of the dances lived up to the greatness of Kyle Massey’s instant jive from last season. In fact, this season’s instant dances generally (understandably) thrown-together and messy, but why didn’t they even come close to matching the previous season’s efforts.

I guess we can blame it on a combination of injury and stress. Either way, let’s break down last night’s performances:

Chelsea Kane and Mark: Ok, so it’s not just me. Last night, Chelsea basically begged Mark to stop acting like a dick because it’s making them BOTH look bad. So know I know I’m not the only one who has found Mark particularly insufferable this season.

Even Mark’s waltz choreography was a little too contemporary for my taste (not enough time in hold), it was danced EXTREMELY well and it told a terrific story. (The wave lighting effect in the beginning was cool.)

On the other hand, their Instant Salsa was a mess right from the botched music cue at the beginning. As Carrie Ann pointed out, I didn’t think their dancing went with their music at all. On top of that, it wasn’t much of a salsa. It was more of a Generic Latin Dance 101 punctuated by occasional booty shaking. (Be honest: if someone had told you that was a cha cha cha, would you have noticed that it wasn’t?)

Hines Ward and Kym: Hines had the facial expression (he can do cheese!) and the character down pat as he proposed to Kym in their foxtrot, but I would’ve liked to have seen him be a little lighter on his feet. There were a couple of instances when he was kind of plodding along. Still, the fact that he eventually plods gives Hines’ dancing a masculine quality that didn’t make Carrie Ann’s comparison to Gene Kelly COMPLETELY sacrilegious.

His sloppy feet were also an issue during the instant jive, but Hines once again compensated for any technical deficiencies with winning and infectious enthusiasm and energy. This was especially welcome on a night when celebs were battling injuries, low blood sugar and telling their Pro partners to stop acting like jackasses.

Romeo and Chelsie (pictured, left): I actually thought they had a pretty great tango in the first round, but unlike Chelsea and Hines, they didn’t receive any 10s. Sure, maybe Romeo was visibly breathing a little too hard during his tango, but I loved the intensity of the dance and I REALLY liked that it actually seemed like Romeo was potentially leading her. (We know none of the male celebs actually lead the female Pros when they dance, but this was one of the more credible partnerships.)

I was also loving their Instant Salsa mostly because, unlike Chelsea and Mark, the dance Romeo and Chelsie did actually looked like a salsa you’d see at a club! (It probably helped that they visited a salsa club.) I was disappointed (and shocked!) that Len was the only one who really liked it. It was also a shame that they botched a few moves and got noticeably out of synch toward the end.

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Life imitates art…well, it imitates “The Karate Kid” at least. Ralph ruptured a cyst in his leg and took a pretty nasty fall in rehearsal. (Fortunately, Billy Zabka wasn’t around to “sweep the leg” and further aggravate the injury.) This was our weekly reminder that, even though Ralph may look like he’s 15 years old, he’s actually a 50-year-old man. That being said, I thought he did a very admirable job in his Viennese waltz where I’m assuming he and Karina were supposed to be vampires. (It’s the only explanation for the guyliner and the pancaked-on makeup.) It was also a smart idea to have the smoke machine hide any potentially wonky footwork.

Ralph’s injury didn’t allow him to work on the Instant dance at all, which turned out to be a cha cha cha to “Stuck in the Middle With You.” All these years, I knew the ear slicing scene in “Reservoir Dogs” was missing something…a hobbling Ralph Macchio cha cha cha’ing in the background! I actually appreciated that Karina’s little routine had a story — in a stunning departure, Ralph played a guy who didn’t feel like dancing because his leg hurt, but he did anyway — but his stiffness and the fact that he CLEARLY just wanted to make it to the end ultimately made it uncomfortable to watch.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: Even though she took some truly nasty falls during rehearsal this week thanks to stress and low blood sugar from not eating, I thought Kirstie’s round 1 Argentine tango is the best Kirstie has ever danced on this show. It was probably my favorite dance of the first round and I was almost as impressed by the fact that she didn’t get hurt during either of the two spills we saw her take. (Especially the one off the steps.) At least the mishap was confined to rehearsal this time, instead of the liiiiiiive show.

That didn’t carry over into their instant salsa, which was too slow, plodding and disconnected for my taste. At least we got to hear their dance described as “oily” by Len.

So what’d you think of this episode? What surprising adjective will Len use to describe a couple next week? Why were the instant dances so much worse this season? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m betting Ralph’s fans rally to save him, so I’m sticking with last week’s pick and saying Romeo gets the boot.)