Dancing with the Stars: Team Players

Last night, I hardly recognized “Dancing with the Stars”

“Ballroom god” Donnie Burns was crammed into the judges’ table along with Carrie Ann, Len and Bruno. (Poor Len, having to sit even closer to Bruno.) On top of that, each of the couples were mentored by visiting dancing legends Luca Baricchi and Shirley Ballas, a.k.a. Mark’s mom.

Let’s just get this out of the way quickly: Mark’s mom is hot and awesome! (So why is her son so annoying?)

Sure, all this razzle-dazzle (plus team dances! Diane Sawyer news briefs!) was due to ABC desperately straining to fill two-hours on their schedule with only six couples left, but I think it mostly worked. Well, not really. The show was still WAY too long. Then again I watched it all…so I guess it worked!

Before this intro becomes as bloated as last night’s episode, let’s get to the competitive performances! (Sorry, World Champion Tango and Jive couple…I’m skipping right over you.)

Team Chelsea (Romeo, Ralph and Chelsea, pictured, right) vs. Team Hines (Kendra, Kirstie and Hines):

The two teams squared off in the show’s latest cha-cha-challenge. Since Team Chelsea had the better dancers, it was no surprise that they were better from a technical perspective (Romeo and Chelsie’ solo, in particular, was great) and that their group dancing was tighter.

That being said, I simply enjoyed watching Team Hines more. Even though Kirstie WAS way off during the early parts of the group portion, she bounced back impressively with her terrific solo portion with Maks. It was probably the best dancing she’s ever done. Hines was solid, and Kendra was kind of a stiff during their spotlight moments.

Also, Kendra farted.

Chelsea Kane and Mark: I’ve ranted and raved about Mark’s tendency to make his dances all about him and the annoying way he choreographs whatever the hell he wants, mixes in a few proper moves from whatever style they’re supposed to be doing (this week it was the paso doble), then acts indignant when the judges call him out on not doing what he’s supposed to do.

Even though Mark was guilty of both those things this week, the fact that perpetually pleasant Chelsea’s “angry face” was so over-the-top and embarrassingly bad didn’t help. The bigger issue is that — despite the fact that Chelsea may be the most gifted dancer this season — I’m not really seeing her improve. She’s just kind of coasting on being young and athletic. Here’s hoping Mark cracks the whip and gets a great dance performance out of her.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: Sometimes I wonder if the rehearsal footage psyches us into seeing stuff we wouldn’t otherwise notice. For example, this week’s rehearsal package was mostly about how stiff Kendra is when she dances? Would we have noticed how stiff she was during her tango if we hadn’t just been bludgeoned over the head with that particular aspect of Kendra’s dancing?

Well, yes. Kendra was CLEARLY nervous and it translated to her body. It’s a shame because she competently executed a very challenging routine.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: The jive was never going to be a good fit for Kirstie. (I’m not even talking about the weight issue…I’m referring more to the fact that she’s 60 years old!) After her latest emotional breakdown in the studio — can we agree that Maks isn’t the most compassionate or communicative pro on this show — Kirstie came out and “danced” a jive that was alarmingly light on, well, jive. (The first 20 seconds was acting.) Unfortunately, the jive she did try to dance was problematic, especially the side-by-side portion with the jive kicks. Oof.

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Ralph’s Prohibition-themed quickstep was the best dance of the night and completed the comeback that began last week when he picked Karina off the ground. The rehearsal footage made us thing Ralph was going to break both knees during his routine, but he executed the energetic routine extremely well. (I would’ve liked his gallops across the dance floor to be a little airier, but that’s just me.)

Hines Ward and Kym: Somewhere, Jerome Bettis is STILL laughing at the idea of Hines as a ballroom dancer. I’m a little baffled that the judges didn’t like this tango more, because I thought it was strong. (Except for the part where they appeared to stumble at the end.) I thought Hines nailed the character, and I also thought he made for a credible lead. (As opposed to just standing there while Kym flipped her legs between his and danced around him.)

Romeo and Chelsie: This dud of a samba was my biggest disappointment of the night. Instead of shaking his hips and embodying the joy and party-vibe of the samba, Romeo insisted on inserting “swagger” into his routine. (Ugh!) The bigger problem is that Romeo didn’t actually do a whole lot of dancing during the routine. (WTF Chelsie?!) And the dancing he DID do, was remedial with his hip action being non-existent. This was like a routine you’d choreograph for someone like Kurt Warner (sorry, Kurt) not someone who has the ability to get 10s like Romeo!

So what’d you think of this episode? How do we know that Donnie Burns is really a legend? (I mean, honestly…it’s not like we follow the world of competitive ballroom dancing. They could’ve just hired some actor and pretended like he was some legend and I’d never know because I’m too lazy to Google “Donnie Burns.” Now I almost wish the whole thing were an act!) Why won’t Len stop making comments about the women’s breasts all of a sudden? (He gave Team Hines the “booby prize.”) Finally, who do you think is going home? (It’s got to be Kendra right? Wrong! I’m going with Romeo.)