Dancing with the Stars: Pain in the Neck

There’s a strong chance that last night’s “Winner Takes All Cha Cha” was solely created to put Chelsea and Mark in the finals.

Let’s be real: Disney Channel star Chelsea (running to Google to make sure I have the right last name) Kane does NOT have as big a fan base as Ralph Macchio or Kirstie Alley. And she certainly doesn’t have the support of Steeler Nation, like Hines.

So it’s not exactly shocking that the show would want to invent a way to gift an extra 15 points to (arguably) the season’s most gifted dancer, who would presumably attract a younger audience to next week’s finals.

But enough of my ridiculous conspiracy theories. Let’s break down last night’s episode, which featured four couples performing a whopping 18 routines and one judge telling someone “You were too rough with your pussy, darling.” (Take a wild guess as to which judge provided that soundbite.)

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Ralph seemed mostly recovered from last week’s injuries, but he (and Karina) seemed to be having a harder time bouncing back from being the least well-reviewed couple left on the show. The beginning of their Argentine tango was promising (street lamp), but the routine itself ended up being listless. I expect a guy with a bad leg to not nail all his tango kicks, but I don’t expect the dance to be a total snooze.

Their salsa — which hilariously/inexplicably featured Ralph as a baby-faced Tony Montana and Karina auditioning for the role of Cheetara in the “Thundercats” movie that only exists in my head (and inspiring Bruno’s lewd comment) — was an even bigger wreck. I admire that Ralph tried to do something a little more “fun”, but…oh, wait…that’s not true! To me, Ralph’s greatest weakness this year (other than his health) has been his over-the-top/hyper dancing. He’s been at his best this season when he’s reeled that in a bit. I mean, do we REALLY want to see Ralph Macchio as a wild and crazy guy? It just feels like we love him as the sweet guy who gushes over his wife in his pre-performance package.

Since Ralph was at the bottom of the leader board, he was the fourth seed in the Winner Takes All Cha Cha mini-tournament. Cha cha has never been his strength and, once again, his dance was covered with stiffness (his shoulders were way too high) and a lack of hip action.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: After her weekly rehearsal week meltdown — should we all pitch in for some sensitivity training for Maks or do we actually like him this way — Kirstie delivered two rock solid dances.

Her Viennese waltz was both lively and lovely (those spinning arm turns were fun to watch), while her Paso Doble was similarly strong (and not just her epic headband that made her look like a superhero). Also, apparently I was the last person to know that Kirstie Alley was some kind of coke fiend.

Unfortunately, her Winner Takes All face/off against Chelsea (which was shaping up to be an interesting contrast in style) never got going. Kirstie and Maks seemed to have trouble getting started to the beginning, and she lost.

Chelsea Kane and Mark: I’m with Carrie Ann on this one: Chelsea’s legs WERE disappointingly weak during her Argentine tango, which also compared unfavorably to Gilles Marini and Cheryl’s routine to the same music a few years ago. If it sounds like I’m a little harsh on Chelsea, it’s because I think she’s the best dancer this season, yet she keeps getting held back for various reasons. (Usually involving her idiot partner.)

Fortunately, the duo bounced back with an appropriately flowy rumba. I just don’t know if I thought it was sexy and I certainly don’t think it merited a perfect score. On a more personal basis, I’m still seeing a little too much contemporary and not enough ballroom in Mark’s choreography. (Just join “So You Think You Can Dance” already! Oh wait, I watch that show too…just go away, Mark!)

As I mentioned before, Chelsea and Mark captured the extra 15 points and vaulted to the top of the leader board after defeating Hines and Kym in the Winner Takes All challenge. I guess none of the judges minded that Chelsea and Mark performed pretty much the same routine for their “instant” final matchup against Hines that they did against Kirstie in the previous round. (I realize that time was extremely short and that Hines also performed a very similar routine, but the difference is that Mark is a Pro AND a lead, so he should’ve at least been able to guide Chelsea through some new moves.)

Hines Ward and Kym: Remember how I said that the producers catapulted Chelsea and Mark to the finals last night? Well, it doesn’t really matter because I think Hines and Kym won this season last night.

Oof! Kym’s fall during rehearsal (pictured, left) was bad enough without having a professional football player land on top of her and drive her neck and spine into the ground. I’ve never nearly paralyzed someone, but I HAVE danced with someone who injured their ankle and even that made me feel guilty and awful. I can only imagine how Hines felt. That’s why I got goosebumps after Hines and Kym’s Argentine tango, despite the fact that it wasn’t the most thrilling routine in the world. Seeing the way Hines emotionally and physically supported Kym was beautiful, and I’m not going to get worked up about the judges giving them a perfect score.

I WILL get worked up over their perfect 30 for their salsa. Their side-by-side stuff was good, but I didn’t think it had enough heat or hip action. I just don’t’ think this show does salsa very well. It always winds up looking like a Generic Latin Dance. (Could you definitely tell it apart from a mambo? Or a cha cha?

Hines easily won his round 1 Winner Takes All matchup against Kirstie, but seemed exhausted in every way by the time he had to take on Chelsea in the finals. It doesn’t matter. I believe Hines will make it into the finals. He’s been a fan favorite all season, but after seeing this couple last night and how much they care for each other, I think they clinched the Mirrorball Trophy yesterday.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it “cha cha” or “cha cha cha”? (Make up your mind, show!) Did you think it was possible to botch a coin flip as spectacularly as Brooke did last night? Finally, who do you think will join Hines and Chelsea in the finals? (Unfortunately for Ralph, I don’t think his fake butt will be enough to propel him to next week’s finals.)