America's Next Top Recap: Issues and Tissues

Heading into the season finale next week, I’d say the two best contestants are still in the running toward becoming “America’s Next Top Model.”

I don’t know how Tyra and her merry band of fashionable eccentrics did it, but they managed to pare cycle 16 down to (in my opinion) the two strongest contenders. Given all the conflicting advice, nonsensical challenges and general ridiculousness this year (bees, fire and baby jaguars, oh my!), I’d call that a minor miracle.

And yet here we are.

Of course, before we got our final two somebody from the Molly, Hannah and Brittani triumvirate had to go home.

With only three people left, there naturally isn’t all that much going on. That’s probably why the show’s editors decided to reiterate each of the semifinalists’ “issues.” To recap: Molly has abandonment issues that stem from being adopted. Brittani is trying to get out of the trailer park and “see the world” as a model. Finally, (and most alarmingly) Hannah had to overcome growing up in Houston (the horror!) which is apparently a small town from which any young person aspiring for greatness must flee.

My favorite part was Brittani summing up Molly’s perpetual sourness thusly: “Molly doesn’t make lemonade out of lemons,” she said. “No, she just makes a lemon face,” I said.

Mr. Jay stopped by to present the week’s challenge, which had the girls flexing their “journalistic” muscles by producing a 90-second video segment for the insider on either henna, black kohl or argan oil. Hannah was feeling confident because she aspires to be an on-camera personality and studied journalism in college. (Cut to me saying “Oh no.”)

Brittani’s video was by far the worst, but even it’s terribleness — flubbed lines, the camera following her out of the room, Brittani not letting the locals talk at all — was compelling in a train wreck-y way. At the other, competent end of the spectrum, Molly’s video was CLEARY the best and even seemed borderline professional at times…except for the part where the camera stayed on her for a few extra seconds and her lemon face made a cameo. Hannah, as you’d expect was unmemorably somewhere in the middle.

Since I know as much today about henna, black kohl and argan oil today as I did yesterday (zippo!) I’d say they weren’t the most instructional videos in the world.

The reward for Molly was that her video would be online. (Sure, I’ll go check that out right now.)

Since there was still some time to fill, Tyra popped for a visit wearing comfy-looking, but eternally unflattering pants. (But the butch leather jacket totally saved it, right? Wrong!) Tyra had the girls re-hash their stories because the tears of young women nourish her soul. (And that soul’s been hungry ever since Tyra stopped doing her talk show.) Don’t believe me? Look at the way she flocked over to Brittani as soon as Brittani started crying about how other kids made fun of her agoraphobic mother.

Tyra led the girls outside for a photo shoot in which she also did their hair and makeup. This shoot appeared to serve absolutely no purpose other than to kill time before the week’s main photo shoot with male model Younis.

The girls were each playing a girl who’d just gotten engaged, and Tyra would be selecting two pictures to show at panel.

For the third week in a row, Molly received and deserved top photo honors, mostly for the striking pose in her first photo. She had the best tandem of pictures, although I’d probably pick Brittani’s cry-y pic as the second best. Hannah (tapping into that acting, I guess) was REALLY focused on her character. In fact, she may have been too focused because Mr. Jay and Nigel kept telling her that she was going over the top.

That meant Hannah was sent packing. I’m guessing the time Tyra spent with Brittani during this week’s photo challenge was the deciding factor. (Or maybe I’m still trying to ascribe meaning to that meaningless sequence.)

I’d love to tell you that I’m sad about this, but the only defining personality trait we got from Hannah was that she had little personality. On top of that, hearing Hannah talk so much in this episode made her seem…not…brilliant. (As someone who also studied journalism, it pains me to say that…and also I’m not surprised.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Was I the only one slightly disappointed that Hannah didn’t get to report on henna? Why is Andre Leon Talley obsessed with belts all of a sudden? Can Brittani take a great picture without crying? Finally, who do you think will win? (Although I’ve somewhat gotten used to Molly’s perpetual sour face, I’m rooting for Brittani: I think she’s the more editorial girl. Like I know what I’m talking about.)