America's Next Top Recap: And the Winner Is...

The cycle 16 finale of “America’s Next Top Model” was billed as an epic face-off between the Trailer Park Girl and the Adopted Wonder.

Well, no it wasn’t…it just seemed that way because Brittani and Molly were forced to talk about their struggles more often than usual to fill time during the final episode of the season.

I didn’t get a chance to see this episode until a few days after the winner had been crowned — and after dutifully avoiding spoilers — but I don’t think anybody needed THAT many reminders of Brittani’s humble trailer park beginnings or the fact that Molly is adopted. (Followed by her saying is the cause of her abandonment issues.)

It’s just a shame because I think this was the strongest and most closely-contested final two in recent memory. The Editorial-Looking Girl Who Cries Too Much vs. Ms. Scowl-a-Lot Who Takes Great Pictures.

This finale followed the familiar structure of “Top Model” finales: a Cover girl commercial shoot and beauty shot, the magazine photo shoot for the winner (in this case for Vogue Italia), a ridiculous runway show, a cameo from the previous cycle’s winner (hi, Ann!) and a visit from the finalists’ families.

Well, the visit from the finalists’ families wasn’t exactly business as usual. Molly’s beloved, adorable adopted parents made the trip to Morocco, but Brittani’s agoraphobic mom — who had also undergone a recent back surgery — understandably couldn’t make it. Personally, I feel if Brittani’s mom couldn’t make the trip (and they couldn’t get a sibling or a boyfriend or a dog or ANYONE) that Molly’s parents shouldn’t have been there. Brittani, to her credit, put on a brave face, but that was borderline cruel. (And a Skype conversation with her mom IS not the same thing.)

Fortunately for Molly, the visit from her parents seemed to re-energize her after getting off to a slow, scowl-y start.

Both girls seemed to do equally as bad in their commercial shoot. Brittani seemed to be excitedly reading a laundry list from hell, while Molly couldn’t figure out what to do with her hands. The difference is that Brittani was expecting to do poorly since she’s struggled in front of the camera this season, so Molly blew a great chance to gain an advantage.

More importantly, she seemingly carried her disappointment from the commercial shoot to the Vogue Italia photo shoot where the photographers pointed out how sad and tired she looked. (They didn’t know that’s just how her face looks most of the time.)

The boost from her parents carried over to the final, Vivienne Westwood fashion show, which also featured the eliminated models from this season who were still hanging around Morocco. In fact, it may have put too much of a bounce in their step because one of the things the panel didn’t like about her runway walk was that it was too bouncy.

Brittani had the superior walk, but broke character by laughing when she was engaged in a pose-off with Molly. (Me? I don’t think laughing at the ridiculousness of this show is the worst thing in the world.)

In fact, Brittani breaking character seemed to be a MUCH bigger issue with the panel than the fact that Brittani slipped on some rose petals near the end of the show and took a disastrous spill! Of course, a big part of the reason they let it slide is because Molly got back up and returned for the end of the show with a big smile on her face, despite suffering a painful ankle injury.

The panel saw the debut of the Cover Girl commercial (Brittani’s overly excitable spot defeated Molly’s mean girl vibe) and print ad (I liked Molly’s classic shot better than Brittani, who looked startled as two hands groped at her face, except that they were her own hands). It also saw the debut of two fantastic, sleek new haircuts for both Brittani and Molly. (Molly was probably just happy that awful weave didn’t come back.)

Although Molly had better pictures over the course of the season, Brittani appeared to win the judges over mostly with her versatility and a little bit with her personal story.

I’ve been pulling for Brittani this season (even during her Alexandria-induced meltdown), so I was delighted. Meanwhile, Molly decided to wait until she lost to unleash her good-natured sense of humor for the first time in weeks. Hearing her say that she couldn’t wait to go home, take a nap and eat a pulled pork sandwich was the most likable thing she’s done outside of modeling in about a month.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did the show do the right thing by flying in Molly’s family and flying in no one for Brittani? Why would the show chop Molly’s hair off if they weren’t intending to give her modeling work? Finally, do you think the right person won?

Thanks again for watching this crazy show along with me. See you in the fall for the All-Star cycle!

America's Next Top Recap: Issues and Tissues

Heading into the season finale next week, I’d say the two best contestants are still in the running toward becoming “America’s Next Top Model.”

I don’t know how Tyra and her merry band of fashionable eccentrics did it, but they managed to pare cycle 16 down to (in my opinion) the two strongest contenders. Given all the conflicting advice, nonsensical challenges and general ridiculousness this year (bees, fire and baby jaguars, oh my!), I’d call that a minor miracle.

And yet here we are.

Of course, before we got our final two somebody from the Molly, Hannah and Brittani triumvirate had to go home.

With only three people left, there naturally isn’t all that much going on. That’s probably why the show’s editors decided to reiterate each of the semifinalists’ “issues.” To recap: Molly has abandonment issues that stem from being adopted. Brittani is trying to get out of the trailer park and “see the world” as a model. Finally, (and most alarmingly) Hannah had to overcome growing up in Houston (the horror!) which is apparently a small town from which any young person aspiring for greatness must flee.

My favorite part was Brittani summing up Molly’s perpetual sourness thusly: “Molly doesn’t make lemonade out of lemons,” she said. “No, she just makes a lemon face,” I said.

Mr. Jay stopped by to present the week’s challenge, which had the girls flexing their “journalistic” muscles by producing a 90-second video segment for the insider on either henna, black kohl or argan oil. Hannah was feeling confident because she aspires to be an on-camera personality and studied journalism in college. (Cut to me saying “Oh no.”)

Brittani’s video was by far the worst, but even it’s terribleness — flubbed lines, the camera following her out of the room, Brittani not letting the locals talk at all — was compelling in a train wreck-y way. At the other, competent end of the spectrum, Molly’s video was CLEARY the best and even seemed borderline professional at times…except for the part where the camera stayed on her for a few extra seconds and her lemon face made a cameo. Hannah, as you’d expect was unmemorably somewhere in the middle.

Since I know as much today about henna, black kohl and argan oil today as I did yesterday (zippo!) I’d say they weren’t the most instructional videos in the world.

The reward for Molly was that her video would be online. (Sure, I’ll go check that out right now.)

Since there was still some time to fill, Tyra popped for a visit wearing comfy-looking, but eternally unflattering pants. (But the butch leather jacket totally saved it, right? Wrong!) Tyra had the girls re-hash their stories because the tears of young women nourish her soul. (And that soul’s been hungry ever since Tyra stopped doing her talk show.) Don’t believe me? Look at the way she flocked over to Brittani as soon as Brittani started crying about how other kids made fun of her agoraphobic mother.

Tyra led the girls outside for a photo shoot in which she also did their hair and makeup. This shoot appeared to serve absolutely no purpose other than to kill time before the week’s main photo shoot with male model Younis.

The girls were each playing a girl who’d just gotten engaged, and Tyra would be selecting two pictures to show at panel.

For the third week in a row, Molly received and deserved top photo honors, mostly for the striking pose in her first photo. She had the best tandem of pictures, although I’d probably pick Brittani’s cry-y pic as the second best. Hannah (tapping into that acting, I guess) was REALLY focused on her character. In fact, she may have been too focused because Mr. Jay and Nigel kept telling her that she was going over the top.

That meant Hannah was sent packing. I’m guessing the time Tyra spent with Brittani during this week’s photo challenge was the deciding factor. (Or maybe I’m still trying to ascribe meaning to that meaningless sequence.)

I’d love to tell you that I’m sad about this, but the only defining personality trait we got from Hannah was that she had little personality. On top of that, hearing Hannah talk so much in this episode made her seem…not…brilliant. (As someone who also studied journalism, it pains me to say that…and also I’m not surprised.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Was I the only one slightly disappointed that Hannah didn’t get to report on henna? Why is Andre Leon Talley obsessed with belts all of a sudden? Can Brittani take a great picture without crying? Finally, who do you think will win? (Although I’ve somewhat gotten used to Molly’s perpetual sour face, I’m rooting for Brittani: I think she’s the more editorial girl. Like I know what I’m talking about.)

America's Next Top Recap: A Brain is a Terrible Thing To Waste

Last night’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model” taught me that “professional tea tray dancer” is a real job.

Who says this show isn’t educational?

We’re down to the final four which means that we’re a couple of week’s away from crowning “America’s Next Top Model”(…who won’t be seen anywhere until the following season’s finale). It also means that there just isn’t that much going on.

So we had the finalists sitting around bed last night with Hannah listing the girls various personality traits. Alexandria is the surfer girl with an edge, Brittani is the trailer park girl and Molly is the mean, scary bitch. (I’m paraphrasing here.) It was unfortunate that Hannah was the one listing everyone’s personality. I would’ve loved to have seen the awkward moment when one of the other girls tried to list Hannah’s (non-existent) personality trait.

After being robbed of that, the girls were summoned by Miss J for tea with Franca Sozzani, the editor-in-chief of Vogue Italia. If we believe the editing, Brittani was pretty much the only girl who bothered to talk, so let’s just move on to the week’s challenge.

In keeping with the tea theme, the girls got a crash course on tea tray dancing from a professional. Well, it was mostly a crash course for Brittani who kept dropping everything in sight while Alexandria and her flat head serenely danced in the background.

It turned out that Brittani was possibly conning the girls because when it came time to perform the tea tray dance for Miss J and bunch of guests, Brittani was a pro. In other news, Molly’s foot got caught on her outfit, and she dropped both her tray and an F-bomb. Meanwhile, Hannah did some hula dancing (which, it turns out, is NOT native to Morocco) and Alexandria dropped everything on the floor after getting over confident and attempting to drop like it was hot. (I guess she literally DID drop everything like it was hot.)

Brittani brought Hannah along with her reward, which was a private runway walking lesson from Miss J. Unfortunately, this “lesson” amounted to little more than Miss J making sour faces at how much Molly sucks at walking.

Dinner time! The girls made their way to a Moroccan souk and snacked on some eyeball and goat brains. Well, most of them snacked down on them. Brittani wasn’t able to keep her goat brains down. (Apparently, the texture of brains is exactly as gross as you’d expect it to be.)

She wasn’t feeling much better during the following day’s photo shoot, but she managed to power through, despite the fact that it was raining. I liked her serene shot more than the judges seemed to, but I agree that the fact that it looked like she was missing an arm was not the best thing in the world.

The shoot — which took place in a medina and was continuation of last week’s Marrakech story (in other words, it was BS) — was dominated by Molly, who appears to become stronger as a model the more she sulks and complains. Hey, whatever works!

That meant the bottom two was comprised of Hannah and her question mark face following a tentative shoot, and Alexandria, who appeared to be playing out some sort of drag fantasy where she was a princess disguised as a man. She also somehow turned Mr. Jay’s gentle advice to let go of her control issues into a proverbial slap to her face.

Even though Alexandria completely tanked her shoot with her uninspired movements/character, I was convinced that personality vacuum Hannah was going home. Since she spoke more in this episode than she in every other episode this season combined, I was sure that she was getting the goodbye edit. Yes, Hannah’s pictures have been stronger throughout the competition, but when has that ever stopped Tyra and company from sending someone boring home in favor of a contestant that will create drama.

On one hand, I’m glad Alexandria’s gone because she was completely insufferable. But I also feel like this season is going to miss her.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did any of the customers in that restaurant actually get any tea? Do you agree with Molly that the challenges don’t really have anything to do with who leaves? (Except for the go-sees…well, yeah! Molly bombed her challenge last night, but got top photo for the second week in a row.) Finally, will the final three do anything interesting? (From the previews, it looks like Brittani might be stepping up to the meltdown plate!)

America's Next Top Recap: My Humps

Last night’s episode followed the contestants as they embarked on what amounted to be a free vacation in Morocco.

In a related story, have we ever seen anybody complain as much during a free vacation as Molly did last night?

Since this show hadn’t been on for two weeks, it was difficult to remember exactly why Molly was complaining so much. (I’m guessing her bottom 2 placement in the previous episode had something to do with it.) Then again, I didn’t really care WHY she was so upset: it was incredibly annoying, regardless of the reason.

Molly’s main complaint was about (shocker!) Alexandria and how Alexandria’s fake-nice attitude had served her well in the competition. Molly then speculated that her own stank attitude might be a result of abandonment issues (we learned earlier this season that she was adopted) before bemoaning the fact that she was going to have to pretend to be nice to people.

What I don’t understand is why Molly has to “pretend” to be nice to people? Why can’t she just, oh I don’t know, BE a pleasant person?! Why is that such a chore? Also, why is it a shock that you might want to not act like a moody, raging bitch around your bosses? Molly probably has the prettiest face out of all the girls in the competition…but her perpetually-awful attitude made her look like an ugly person.

As the girls arrived in Marrakech (I’m shocked Molly didn’t complain about the heat), they were greeted by snake charmers as well as Mr. Jay and Ms. J, both wearing only slightly more makeup than usual. After that, they were treated to a traditional Moroccan lunch before meeting up with Andre Leon Talley and designer Noureddine Amir.

Usually, this would be about the time we’d be getting the week’s challenge. And, indeed, the girls put on Amir’s clothes and showed their runway walks to the designer and Talley. However, instead of competing for some fabulous, exotic prize, the main purpose of this sequence was to humiliate Kasia.

While Brittani easily sported a fantastic-looking dress/wicker hamper, Kasia was having trouble fitting into any of her clothes. They finally found a garment for her to wear, but it was too late because her confidence was shattered. Given the fact that I’ve never really been impressed with her during a photo shoot, I knew she’d be exiting at the end of the episode.

After a bit of drama in their fantastic new house (whine! Molly doesn’t want to share a bed) the girls learned that they’d be taking photographs atop camels in the middle of the desert. At least Tyra didn’t go for the obvious photo shoot idea.

Molly put on her best fake happy face and…completely rocked the photo shoot. She deserved the top photo honors that she received. Great job by Molly, It’s remarkable what she could accomplish when she’s not being a sourpuss.

Brittani had the next best pic (though Vogue Italia editor-in-chief Franca Sozzani seemed to hate it). Meanwhile, Hannah mostly benefited from a unique angle and from the fact that no one can remember who she is, so it’s impossible to eliminate her.

That left Kasia in the bottom 2 along with Alexandria, who once again tried to take command of a photo shoot. She claimed that she’d already annoyed the British photographer by making a baseball reference (she was going to knock the shoot out of the park), but I’m pretty sure the photographer was annoyed with her because she’s annoying…and not because she couldn’t drop a cricket or polo reference.

Though Alexandria’s shot standing atop a camel was almost alarmingly stiff, Kasia (pictured, right) was clearly going to be going home. Her picture was great only because it perfectly captured the discomfort Kasia was feeling throughout the entire episode.

And so we say goodbye to the cycle’s fiercely real contestant.

So what’d you think of this episode? Can you tell me a single thing about Hannah besides “she’s blonde” or “she exists” (I think)? Finally, what euphemism for “plus size” will Tyra come up with next cycle? (I’m thinking “voraciously genuine.”)

America's Next Top Recap: Garbage Time

How is Alexandria doing this?

In practically the blink of an eye, she has gone from this cycle’s resident she-monster to front-runner, picking up cars, clothes and top photo honors along the way.

As someone who watches (and has seen) WAY too much reality TV, I understand that the power of editing can create some pretty unexpected switcheroos. Maybe Alexandria wasn’t really that bad all along.

On the other hand, it’s damn near impossible to take dozens of “I hate Alexandria” quotes from the other girls out of context. I also vaguely recall the judges chewing Alexandria out earlier this season for her bossy, unprofessional attitude on set. (It seems so long ago.)

Except that all of this seems to be forgotten by the judges. Still, the part I REALLY can’t understand is that Alexandra still comes off like a major phony…but no one seems to care. If I think some of her poses are kind of cheeseball (like the ones during her audition with Lana Marks during the bonus go-see) that’s a matter of taste. But how about when Lana Marks asked her why she wanted to do the campaign: “Why DON’T I want it?”

Huh?! I mean, BRILLIANT! (I guess.) Give that girl some more fabulous clothes and Angelina Jolie’s clutch! As you can tell, I don’t get it. My best guess is that Alexandria is just a really tall, prototypical fashion model…and that she’s placed a Confundus charm on everyone in the fashion industry.

But she’s not just bewitching the people who keep giving her fabulous prizes. Last week, Brittani had a spectacular meltdown in her attempts to vanquish Alexandria. This week, Brittani apologized to Alexandria, but it was Molly’s turn to lose her s---! Sure, Molly was frustrated with Alexandria, but the blonde terror wasn’t completely to blame for Molly’s perpetual sour-face in this episode.

Near the start of the episode, Tyra met with the girls to teach them how to put together a portfolio. I was most struck by the fact that Kasia’s portfolio only had four pictures (everyone else’s had five or six) which supports my theory that she just doesn’t take very good pictures.

The reason they were putting their portfolios together was because it was time for go-sees. The challenge would feature four stops with each visit representing a different model “archetype.” (A running theme this year.)

Alexandria was the only model from L.A. and bragged about her homefield advantage. Even as she booked 4 out of 4 jobs, it seemed like the show had set her up for failure by having her arrive late…but she actually returned with about 30 seconds left. In fact, EVERYONE arrived in time. I’m not saying this is the first time that’s happened in the show’s history, but it’s the first time I’ve personally seen it.

Alexandria, Molly and Kasia finished in the top 3 so they got to compete in a fifth go-see for a spot in what turned out to be a thoroughly silly national print ad for Lana Marks handbags.

We were led to believe that Molly would’ve won if her attitude/face hadn’t been so stank while she was waiting her turn. (Imagine if Lana knew about the dozens of F-bombs she dropped in her smart car during the go-sees.) So Alexandria picked up the win, and I was left to wonder why Kasia didn’t win since I thought she had the best poses. (I guess she was a little too “fiercely real” for that ad campaign.)

After some more hating on Alexandria from Molly back at the house, the week’s challenge was revealed: the girls would be modeling eco-friendly (or “echo-friendly,” as Mr. Jay inexplicably pronounced it) clothes at a landfill. Derelicte!

As I mentioned earlier, Alexandria won top photo honors for her strong picture. I also enjoyed Brittani’s shot, and not just because she dared to get down in the muck.

Nobody really had an atrocious picture (though Kasia slid by with another meh shot), but Molly wound up in the bottom two with Jaclyn.

Since no one’s picture was that bad, Tyra seemed to rely on their go-see performance. Molly booked 2 out of four jobs, while Jaclyn booked 2 out of 2. Tyra and the panel seemed really turned off by the fact that Jaclyn (and Brittani) only made to go-see stops, but I don’t care how many stops you make if you don’t book the job. The bottom line is Molly and Jaclyn booked the exact same number of jobs.

What I’m trying to say is that I don’t understand why Jaclyn was sent home instead of Molly. The difference in their go-see performance was negligible. Molly’s flirted with the bottom 2 before, while Jaclyn had never been there. So what gives? Were we not going to be able to send enough blonde white girls to Morocco if we eliminated Molly?

Whatever. I guess next week it’ll be Hannah’s turn to have a meltdown that almost gets her eliminated, ala Brittani last week and Molly last night.

So what’d you think of this episode? Anyone else find it hilarious that Tyra introduced Lana Marks by saying that she makes the “most expensive” handbags in the world…not “the best”? Will Jaclyn ever solve that indecipherable riddle we know as “a map”? Has anybody other than Tyra ever noticed her skinny calves? Finally, why didn’t they wait one more episode and have the girls do their go-sees in Morocco? (Go-sees are roughly 500 percent more fun when the models are trying to ask foreigners for directions.)

America's Next Top Recap: We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes

It’s been an eventful week in the world of reality show meltdowns. (Well, more eventful than usual.)

After learning that Meat Loaf is “the LAST F---ING PERSON YOU EVVVEER WANNA F---ING F--- WITH”, it was Brittani’s turn to totally lose her s---. (Cursing is contagious!)

Things started out so promisingly for Brittani, as she was still basking in the glow of last week’s win at the start of the episode. The girls returned to the house to find gift bags (YAY!!!) that contained Warriors in Pink T-shirts and the material for their next challenge (yay).

For the week’s challenge, the girls would be doing a photo shoot with Nigel in which they’d have to embody a different aspect of the Warriors in Pink campaign against breast cancer. Some of the campaign’s symbols included “river”, “tree”, “war paint” and “dove”. Also, I completely made one of those up…good luck trying to figure out which one.

During the shoot, Brittani got chewed out when Nigel sensed a disconnect and asked her what she thinks about when she models, and she responded, “I don’t think, I just do.” As a former model, Nigel flipped out at the idea that someone would trivialize their Very Important Job. Me? I don’t care if Brittani is thinking about what groceries she has to pick up on the way home as long as she delivers an excellent picture. I thought Jaclyn might get the win for wanting to “beat the crap out of cancer” with her boxing gloves, but the victory went to Alexandria. I’m not saying that Alexandria wasn’t a deserving winner…I’m just saying that I wouldn’t be shocked that the producers gave Alexandria the win to piss everyone else off.

And pissed off they were. It was bad enough that Alexandria would get to appear in a national ad as a role model. (I watched her commercial, and Brittani’s right…she does do a weird thing with her face.) She also won (putting on my Bob Barker mask) A NEW CAR!

Later, all of the other girls were talking about how Alexandria was an undeserving winner, but it was Brittani who was loudly leading the charge. Alexandria overheard her and confronted her, and Brittani bit back by telling her that everyone in the house couldn’t stand her. (Cut to everyone else staying eerily silent.) I actually feel a little bad for Alexandria. (I said “a little.”) It’d be one thing if she were trying to drive Brittani and the other girls crazy with her bitchiness as a calculated move. However, I honestly think that Alexandria has no idea how horribly annoying she is to everyone else around her.

As you know, this outburst came back to bite Brittani in a big way, but first it was time for the week’s photo shoot.

On a tour through Universal Studios, the girls stopped at the Bates Motel where Ms. J was brutally murdered by Mrs. Bates. (RIP, Ms. J.) Also, ***SPOILER ALERT*** Mrs. Bates was actually…Mr. Jay, who announced the week’s challenge: the girls would be going crazy for…something.

Since Jaclyn’s Why So Serious? “Crazy for Makeup” photo (pictured, right) was the best in the bunch and a really deserving winner, and since Mikaela’s “Slightly Perturbed for Sales” was CLEARLY the worst picture of the bunch and got her sent home, I’m going to skip over all that and go straight to the judges’ panel.

During Alexandria’s critique, Nigel brought up Brittani’s outburst and reamed her out for being unprofessional in front of a client. Even though I didn’t see any “client” anywhere (was he talking about the car?) I agree with him 100%. Brittani yelling at Alexandria like that in a professional setting is completely unacceptable. That’s what the Model Home and confessionals are for.

Sensing that she’d made a huge mistake, Brittani started freaking out…especially after Tyra laid into her. She excused herself and walked off set because it looked like she was having a panic attack. She came back just in time to listen to the judges crush her subpar photo.

During the deliberation, the judges had a serious discussion about sending Brittani home. Nigel, Andre Leon Talley and dandy “Gossip Girl” stylist Eric Daman all voted to give Brittani another chance. Tyra, on the other hand, did what Tyra does…she made it about herself.

With absolutely zero prompting, she brought up the notion that people assume that she unilaterally makes all the decisions on this show. Except that’s not the case: she only gets one vote, and it’s very possible that she won’t get her way if the other judges disagree. (Cut to Tyra patting herself on the back over resisting Toccara’s elimination during cycle 3.) (Cut to me rolling my eyes.)

Tyra insisted that “Top Model” was not a monarchy and expressed extreme displeasure at the fact that Brittani was being allowed to stay on. Why did we even have a bottom 2, if we saw that the judges decided to keep Brittani? So that we could see Ty-rant scold Brittani some more, of course!

While it may be true that Tyra only gets one vote, it’s absolutely ridiculous to think that she doesn’t have more influence than any other judge. I mean, how about the fact that she’s the one who selects which photo gets used at panel. From now on, Brittani better make sure that she doesn’t take a single unflattering photo or Tyra might pick it. Hell, the conspiracy theorist in me thought it was weird that Tyra picked that weird, boring photo of Brittani after we saw her jumping around during the shoot and getting great feedback from Mr. Jay.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you feel badfor Brittani? For Alexandria? Finally, is Jaclyn actually the frontrunner to win this thing?

America's Next Top Model: 4 Non Blondes

It feels like most of this cycle has been dedicated to getting us to hate Alexandria as much as the other girls seem to hate Alexandria.

Last night, all of a sudden, Monique is the worst person in the house and maybe Alexandria isn’t that bad and…whoops, never mind Monique is gone. I’m guessing the focus next week will go back to how horrible Alexandria is, but you never know.

Tell me how I’m supposed to feel, reality show editors!

As the girls returned home from the previous week’s panel, Tyra was at the house to greet them. I’m guessing Tyra made them walk home again, which would explain how she got there first, and how she had her little presentation set up. The day’s lesson was about model archetypes — like “androgynous”, “girl next door” and “couture” — and how each of the contestants fit into them. We learned that most of this season’s girls are bombshells (even Mikaela? Really?!) and that the only one who could be considered “couture” is Brittani, which probably/inadvertently made her the favorite to win.

Tyra also exorcised Molly’s weave (hallelujah!) and talked to the models about how to handle fan adoration, which led into the week’s challenge.

Ms. J judged a competition that judged how the contestants would handle fans at a meet-and-greet. This contest was hilariously crazy on that fundamental “Top Model” level. Obviously, none of these “fans” knew who the girls were (since this was probably filmed before the cycle began airing on TV), but it was still fun watching them pretend.

The “highlight” was a semi-creepy guy named James, who looked and acted like a slightly younger version of Toby from “The Office.” First he chatted with Monique — by far, the least friendly model there — before being pawned off an Alexandria after Monique told him that Alexandria was likely to kiss him. Of course, it didn’t help matters that Alexandria DID give him a peck on the cheek.

I would’ve enjoyed this segment a lot more if I weren’t convinced that “James” was an actor/plant, but whatever. The extremely personable Kasia won and got to bring along Jaclyn and Brittani to an allegedly fancy dinner with Ms. J. Meanwhile, the rest of the girls had to clean up the meet-and-greet area (how “Hell’s Kitchen” of them) and sit home and munch on sour grapes.

The week’s photo shoot took full advantage of the fact that there are eight white chicks left in the competition. Lo and behold, four are blondes and four are brunettes, so they were pitted against each other in a group photo shoot.

Even though it wasn’t terribly ambitious, I actually liked the blonde’s photo a little more because it was more cohesive. The brunette shot may have been more editorial, but it REALLY looked like everyone was just doing their own thing, and some people looked plain uncomfortable.

Even though two brunettes (Monique and Mikaela) wound up in the bottom two, the dark-haired beauties were told they had the best shot, and Brittani’s fierce face was awarded top photo honors, despite the fact that Tyra pointed out her “amputee leg” pose. (Holy mixed messages, Batman!)

Personally, I thought the blondes should’ve won because Molly and Hannah had the best pictures in the bunch. Once again, I thought the judges heaped too much praise to Kasia’s photo, and, well ok…Alexandria’s hunched pose was weird.

It came down to Mikaela’s strong bone structure vs. Monique’s “I’m too sexy for this competition” quality, and Mikaela stayed on. I don’t completely disagree with the decision, but as a viewer of this show I’m a little bummed because Monique was a more interesting character. She was fascinatingly dumb.

Oh well. Goodbye, Monique. Good luck in your future endeavors, though I’m guessing it’s going to be tough. Is there really a high demand for a bitchier-looking Olivia Munn?

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you able to hang on to the handlebars of fierceness without wearing riding gloves? Finally, if you saw Tyra on the street, what message would you make her record on your outgoing voicemail? (I’m not sure, but it’d probably involve that terrible French accent she brings out every once in a while.)

America's Next Top Recap: Alexandria the Grrr-eat?

For a brief while on “America’s Next Top Model” last night, a modeling competition broke out in the middle of a CoverGirl commercial.

The girls were tasked with creating a commercial for the second week in a row, only this time they had more creative input. (Cut to control freak Alexandria high-fiving herself.) For the first half of the episode, they were split into teams of three with one person on each team taking the task of writer director or “talent.”

The task was to brainstorm and execute a commercial for CoverGirl NatureLuxe Silk Foundation, but the segment mostly ended up being an ad for what a horrible she beast Alexandria is.

Despite the fact that she wound up as the “talent” on a team with Monique and Molly (who were hilariously labeled as co-conspirators when Monique peeked at Alexandria’s diary later), Alexandria couldn’t help herself and tried to control everything. (Like when she repeatedly yelled cut to end a scene instead of letting the director do it.) When they actually got down to filming the commercial, Monique handled her relatively well, but the damage was done.

Jaclyn, Dalya and Hannah were on the same team… and a complete disaster on every level. Dalya, the talent, showed last week that she’s not very natural on camera, but she didn’t get help from a boring script that Mr. Jay slammed as too conversational or from stale direction that didn’t even attempt to make two people sitting around talking look interesting. (I know David Fincher wasn’t on their team, but come on!)

That meant the win (almost by default) went to Brittani, Kasia and Mikaela. Mikaela actually delivered an appealing performance once she stopped dropping F-bombs.

At the house, the girls were doing what they do — reminiscing about how horrible Alexandria is — when Monique got the bright idea to peek at her diary. No matter how terrible one person is, that’s just not right. For what it’s worth, the diary revealed that Alexandria isn’t so much malicious as she is completely clueless of how abrasive she comes off to other people.

The show also allowed Alexandria to try to explain her bossiness away by revealing that she’d practically raised her siblings. Come on, “Top Model”! You can’t spend 98% of your season building someone up to be a monster, then try to make them look not so bad.

Anyway, the week’s photo shoot brought the girls to a zoo where they would LITERALLY model some Rachel Zoe faux fur while holding adorable an adorable baby jaguar named Murato.

Hannah and Brittani clearly had the best photos of the bunch with the judges giving Hannah’s fantastic shot the win. I actually would’ve given top photo honors to Brittani because she did everything you could ask of her in that shot: she interacted naturally with Murato, she created a character without saying a word (a complete snob) and (unlike Hannah) she prominently displayed the product.

I say those two clearly had the best shots of the week because I really didn’t love anyone else’s.

I thought Monique’s attitude-y photo was good, not great. I didn’t get the love at all from Jaclyn’s lippy pic or Kasia’s leaning shot, which seemed like a complete accident just like Alexandria’s one shot where she was growling at Murato.

The two worst of the bunch were Molly (who was bad enough that you didn’t notice her terrible weave) and Dalya who, other than being great on the runway, has been pretty much non-stop terrible on this show with the commercials and photos.

And that’s probably why she went home. I’m sure Dalya will continue to find work with that bone structure Tyra is obsessed with, but she was a truly underwhelming contestant. In the end, Dalya didn’t wear her face…she allowed her face to wear her.

Whatever the hell that means.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was anyone else annoyed when the word “jaguar” was repeatedly pronounced as “jag-wire”? (Maybe that was just me.) Are you disheartened by the fact that the rest of the season is pretty much a whitewash? Finally, is Alexandria evil or do models just not understand?

America's Next Top Recap: Grace Under Fire

“America’s Next Top Model” needed to up the crazy factor after last week’s disarmingly blah makeover episode.

So Tyra set the models on fire before having them walk down a fiery runway. Seriously. That happened last night.

Ok, so it didn’t end up being quite as insane as it sounded, but the Geoffrey Mac fashion show did feature the models —except for unlucky (?) Sara — setting the palm of their own hands on fire (with help from a glove) before strutting down a runway as pyrotechnics went off all around them.

Still, the question has to be asked: WHY?!

Anyway, the girls generally did well, but Dalya, Alexandria and Brittani did the best. Since Dalya (pictured, right) spent a good part of the first half of this episode talking about how good her runway walk was, it was good to see her pull out the win. (She got to keep two Mac dresses from the show.) Meanwhile, Sara, Kasia and Hannah were anointed Worst Walkers by Ms. J and forced to “walk home.” (Yeah, right.)

Most of the drama at the house focused on how much of an annoying, controlling pill Alexandria is. Of course, no one dares say this to her face, because then you have to try and swallow that annoying, controlling pill. Also, getting into arguments with angry, stupid people is one of the worst things in the world.

Anyway, the week’s photo shoot was a “Mad Men” inspired commercial shoot in which the girls would be trying to sell Fierce Roast coffee. (Somehow I haven’t encountered this at my neighborhood Publix.)

Personally, I thought it was a little early in the game to shoot a commercial. (Brittani was particularly dreading it because she hates acting.) I also thought the “Mad Men” theme was strong enough on its own to be a photo shoot. Oh well.

The concept for the commercial called for the girls to play secretaries who use their sexuality to sell their boss (Mr. Drysdale) on Fierce Roast. My favorite part was a close-up shot of the script, which revealed stage directions featuring my favorite adverb: “sexily.”

Sara, who identifies herself as a feminist, had a major problem with the concept of the commercial, and never really got into any aspect of what was happening this week. I actually wondered aloud if she’d ever actually watched this show before…what did she think she was getting into?!

It was so annoying and it was SO clear that she was going home, that I actually wished they had eliminated her right after the commercial shoot, skip panel, then have people go online if they wanted to see the commercials.

Of course, the commercials themselves ended up being unintentionally hilarious because when you tell an inexperienced model to be “sexy”, they take that to mean “porn-y.” And I’m haven’t even gotten around to the stiff, but compelling acting (Dalya) or the girl who was so nervous her hand was shaking (Mikaela).

That being said, Kasia — looking like a junior Joan Holloway — was the clear standout and the evening’s deserving winner.

I suppose they couldn’t really scrap panel because the judges needed to find a way to try and scare Alexandria straight in regards to her bossy ways. On the set of the commercial, she was shown supporting Brittani after she started to cry. At first, this seemed like a supportive gesture, but then it became clear that Alexandria wanted the makeup artists job. She didn’t stop there either, as she set out to direct, light, edit, produce and distribute the commercial.

She joined Sara in the bottom two, and Tyra gave her a stern talking to about her bossy attitude. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. If Alexandria is this arrogant now that she’s a nobody, she’ll be completely insufferable if she becomes a successful model. I’m curious to see if this will alter her behavior around the model house. Probably not.

Meanwhile, goodbye Sara. I’m sorry you’re stuck with a short haircut you really don’t like, but you are WAY too normal for this competition. Good luck in whatever you do. (Tell me more about this “college” you spoke of early on in the episode.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Does anyone actually believe that the three runway show losers had to walk home? Would you ever wear a fake booty? Finally, was anyone else kinda/sorta missing the feather duster from ALT’s hat?

America's Next Top Recap: Not-So-Extreme Makeovers

The makeover episode on each cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” is an eagerly-awaited highlight for regular viewers of this ridiculous…

…which is why it’s such a shame that this one was so terrible!

Things got off to a promising start when the models got back to the house and unveiled a tarp that revealed cryptic phrases like “Short Dutch Boy” written on a wall. (What does it mean?!)

Unfortunately, once the models went to the salon to get their makeovers courtesy of stylist Laurent D., the changes Tyra had in store for the girls were major snoozers.

To summarize, long-haired girls got even longer hair (whether they were brunette like Monique and Mikaela or blonde like Kasia), curly-haired people got curlier hair (Jaclyn) and bitchy people got bitchier. I mean, seriously, Alexandria? You’re going to tell people at a professional salon that has styled A-list celebs like Tina Fey and Jennifer Garner how to do their job?!

Then again judging by the way they completely butchered Molly’s weave, I’m thinking they’re not so infallible after all. To her credit, Molly maintained a decent sense of humor throughout the ordeal (even though she was CLEARLY upset) and didn’t let it affect her work. More on that a bit later.

The only girls who got noticeable changes besides Molly were Dominique (a big, disappointing blast of crimson hair), Sara (a shorter ‘do that made her look even more androgynous, much to her chagrin) and Brittani (recipient of the “Short Dutch Boy” and winner of Best Makeover by default because she’s really the only one who pulled it off.)

No reward challenge this week, so we got some more Alexandria abrasiveness at the house and the week’s photo shoot, in which the girls paired up and modeled couture gowns in a garden. It was pretty much as boring as it sounded (especially a week after the bees), but it did yield some awesome shots.

My favorite was Molly’s shot (her partner Kasia was also strong), who had EVERYTHING going on and should’ve been awarded top photo honors just for enduring that horrible weave. (Maybe that’s why Lori Goldstein had everyone wear hats.)

Instead, top photo honors went to Alexandria, who had a REALLY strong photo but acted like a fidgety diva on-set. Personally, I thought Molly deserved the win over Alexandria on merit, but even if you liked Alexandria’s photo a little better, what kind of message does giving her top photo honors send? You’re basically rewarding her bitchy behavior. Also, if she’s this bad now (when she’s a nobody) how much worse is she going to be if she ever becomes a successful model?

The rest of the pictures were fairly solid. I didn’t even think Sara, who joined Dominique in the bottom two, was that bad.

In the end, it was always going to be Dominique who got sent home. She was completely disconnected from the photographer in the shoot and, since she was part of the only threesome of models that posed for photos, she was completely disconnected from the girls in her own shot.

The bottom line is that, although Dominique’s freckles made her stand out and she seems like she actually has a personality, she had absolutely no idea how to model. (Which is understandable at this early stage in the competition, since they haven’t learned anything.) Unfortunately, it led to a series of blah photos and her inevitable ouster.

So what’d you think of this episode? Which looked worse — Molly’s weave or Miss J’s hair during the makeovers? How unfortunate are those John Galliano references two weeks in a row? (“A little John Galliano never hurt anybody”…unless you’re JEWISH!) Finally, is this the worst makeover episode you can remember or was it really not that bad?

America's Next Top Recap: Bee Prepared

This is more like it!

After a season-opening episode that was light on drama (or anything else that might be interesting), the latest cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” officially kicked off Wednesday night with an episode that featured raw chicken, dead siblings, and bees!

I feel like we found out more about some of these girls in the first five minutes of this episode than we did in the entirety of last week’s hour. For example, we learned that Molly is adopted and eternally grateful to the family that raised her. We also learned that Dominique kind of eats like a pig and that Ondrei has two brothers who have died.

(Needle scratching on record sound)

Yes, Ondrei has two brothers who died — one of them relatively recently — but the oddest thing was the way she casually dropped this bombshell. Since one of them died right before Ondrei joined the competition, some of the girls wondered if 100% of her attention was dedicated to becoming America’s Next Top Model.

As for Dominique eating like a pig: I’m guessing that was brought up as a way to segue into the segment where Tyra brought her nutritionist, Heather Bauer, to the house. Heather taught the girls about “cheaties”, foods that seem bad for you but really aren’t. This segment was pretty much a giant snooze, although I DID learn that spaghetti and meatballs is healthier than an eggplant parmigiana (yay!) if you’re trying to become a model (nevermind).

Speaking of food, Dalya discovered some raw chicken marinating in barbecue sauce in a bowl inside the fridge. For some reason, this really bothered Dalya and since the chicken belonged to abrasive Alexandria it incited the first dust-up inside the house this season. (It wasn’t the smartest way to marinate the chicken for whatever.) The main point this scene drove home is that Alexandria (so bossy last week) is this season’s villain. Because god forbid we decide on our own who we like and who we don’t like.

I’m not entirely onboard the Alexandria-is-evil bandwagon for two reasons: 1.) I don’t like being manipulated or told how I should feel. 2.) I thought it was absolutely hilarious that Alexandria was openly laughing at Jaclyn as she tearfully confronted her own insecurities about how no one takes her seriously because of her high voice and babyface.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the models visited an acting coach who had them confront their own worst critics: themselves. More specifically, he had them draw a representation of that inner nagging voice and then had them confront their most serious issues, which would allow them to be more open as models (or something). Ondrei predictably spoke about how two deceased brothers, while Molly confronted the mom who gave her up for adoption…so you can see how Jaclyn’s issues weren’t exactly on the same level as some of the other girls.

The week’s photo shoot was introduced by a pun-happy Mr. Jay. The good news is that the girls would bee taking beauty shots and modeling jewelry. The bad news is that the jewelry would be covered in pheromones designed to attracted bees. (Not the bees!!!) They would also be photographed by Mike Rosenthal, who kinda looks like Grayson from “Cougar Town” at his douchiest.

None of the girls had serious issues with the bees (even though Jaclyn is allergic to bees). In fact, even though Hannah started crying, it was because she was doing a bad job up to that point and not because of the bees. Monique called Hannah pathetic, which made me think that maybe Monique (not Alexandria) is the actual bitch of the season. Monique didn’t sympathize with Ondrei either, saying that Ondrei should go home and quit taking up a spot if her heart wasn’t in the competition.

Well Ondrei did just that, quitting the competition at the start of panel and making anyone who may have picked her to win this season look like an idiot. Oh well.

Monique may or may not be the bitch of the season, but I think she absolutely delivered the best photo of the night. She DID look a little evil, and, as Tyra said “evil is better than blah.” I also liked Mikaela’s striking photo and Brittani’s salon-worthy shot more than I liked Hannah’s shot (pictured, left), which won top honors this week. Yes, the crying ended up working and she deserves credit for rolling with it, but I can’t fully give her props for stumbling onto a good photo.

Even though Ondrei quit, Tyra said she would still eliminate someone if they had a worse photo than Ondrei. In my opinion, both Dalya and Nicole fit the bill, but Nicole was sent home after being unable to translate her youthfulness to her photos for the second straight week. (She really did look like a haggard 26 year old in her picture.) I would’ve booted Dalya, who has a strong face, but no idea what she’s doing at all. Her only good shot was the one in which her eyes were closed! Come on! Old-face deserved another chance!

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you have a salon in your home? Anyone else really miss “Cougar Town”? Finally, how long is Andre Leon Talley seriously going to wear a feather duster in his hair?

America's Next Top Recap: The Girl in the Plastic Bubble

I’ve been watching this show for WAY too long.

About 25 minutes into this episode, I correctly predicted that ____ would go home. (Just because I figured it out almost immediately, doesn’t mean I’d spoil it for someone reading this recap that hasn’t watched the episode.) I’m not exactly throwing out my shoulder to pat myself on the back, because it was pretty obvious this “pretty” girl would be packing her bags by the end of the hour. (“Pretty” is just about the worst thing you could be in this twisted world.)

Also, when Tyra dressed up as some of the archetypes who try out for this show — my favorite is the goth chick who is too cool for the competition and isn’t there to make friends — I barely even blinked. Tyra’s brand of crazy is normal to me now.

That costume party was actually the closest thing we’d get to a casting episode since cycle 16’s big twist was revealed to be…no casting episode! (Wah-wah.) Tyra also had a twist up her sleeve for the 14 contestants she had selected as finalists: she threw on a trucker hat, had the camera shoot her in black and white and from the side and Punk’d the finalists into believing they’d been eliminated before revealing that they were, in fact, in the model house!

At this point, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the girls who thought they’d actually made the cut. I REALLY hope they were ringers who were in on the joke, otherwise that’s just wrong. (Even for Tyra.) (But then again, if they were ringers, why did we see footage of Tyra deliberating with the other judges?)

Anyway, without a casting episode it was even more difficult than usual to get to know the contestants names and faces. Here’s what I have so far:

Dominique = Maya Rudolph (because of the freckles), if Maya Rudolph weren’t fun. Alexandria = the bossy one. Kasia = fiercely real (this year’s euphemism for “plus-size”, which itself is a euphemism for “a regular person.”) Monique = too sexy (like a mix of Olivia Munn and Megan Fox, but pleasant), which isn’t as bad as being “too pretty.” Sara = rat tail. Mikaela = eyebrows! Finally, there’s Jaclyn, who shattered R&B star Babyface’s record for “Most times being referred to as a ‘babyface.’” Also has a potentially annoying voice that I kind of like.

Model-jewelry maker Erin Wasson (are there any models who are JUST models?) introduced this week’s challenge, a fashion show in which the contestants would be encased in a plastic bubble and walk on a 12-inch-wide runway that extended over a pool of water. (Why waste time getting to the ridiculousness, right?)

Most of the models stumbled around, a couple fell (Dominique had a little fun with her fall), and Brittani was the only one who did a good job, and she was declared the challenge winner. Her reward was a piece of jewelry from Erin Wasson. Oh wait, everyone else got one of those too. Never mind.

The elimination challenge was a photo shoot by Russell James (who had better hair than Wasson) that took place backstage as the girls prepared for their runway show. (Apparently, this is the latest thing in fashion.)

My favorite photos came courtesy of Alexandria (the first photo we saw, and it was such an incredibly strong profile, that it didn’t matter that we couldn’t see her face and that her eyes were closed), Monique (looking delightfully eager while looking up at the camera), Mikaela (making good use of her striking jawline and eyebrows) and Molly (who achieved natural wind-in-the-hair and won Top Photo honors.)

I didn’t flip out for Brittani’s picture nearly as much as the judges did. I admire that she was calm while someone placed makeup inside her eyelid, but that sort of thing creeps me out. (I can’t even watch my girlfriend Erica put on her contact lenses.) I was also disappointed by “fiercely real” Kasia’s photo. It was fiercely blah.

My favorite critique of the night: “That picture looks like a 19-year-old boy with make up on…but that’s what I like about it.” – Tyra to Sara. Of course it is, Tyra.

Not faring so well were Dominique and Angelia, who were CLEARLY the worst two of the bunch. Dominique’s profile picture was totally boring, but at least she has a little attitude that makes her interesting. Also, those freckles.

That meant Angelia, whose picture looked like a Facebook profile pic according to Erica, was sent home. I’d love to tell you more about Angelia, but I don’t remember a single thing about her, other than her becoming the 75th person to claim that she was “America’s Next Top Model” only to be sent home later in the hour.

So what’d you think of this episode? Should Tyra wear a shirt with Nigel’s face on it next week? Where does Andre Leon Talley get off telling Brittani to take her feathered hair clip off when he appeared to be wearing a hand broom on his hat? Finally, who is your early favorite? (Assuming you have one.)

My Ridiculously Early Pick to Win it All this year is: Ondrei. Totally under the radar last night, but has a striking look. (Hey, last year my pick came in second.)

America's Next Top Recap: The Italian Job

It turned out to be a pretty entertaining cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” — especially when you consider last night’s result was pretty much a foregone conclusion since the first few weeks of the season.

As with most season finales, not that much happened in the beginning other than the two finalists — Ann and Chelsey — spouting off variations of “I can’t believe I’ve made it this far” and “I deserve to win because I want it more.” (Ok, so maybe that second one was mostly Chelsey, who was edited to look more desperate than ever.)

Even with only two girls left, there was a lot to do. They were whisked off to their Vogue Italia shoot, where the photographer raved over both of them and the bugs in the field served as the paparazzi.

From there, Ann and Chelsey continued to their Cover Girl commercial shoot. Instead of having to learn to say “lash blast” in Italian on camera, the girls would film their scenes together and record their voice-over later. This is how you know Tyra was REALLY determined to have this cycle’s winner be taken seriously — she didn’t want to saddle them with a script they were destined to flub. (Plus, the contestants this year already embarrassed themselves during the roller skating fiasco.)

Mr. Jay praised both of their performances, which made it especially weird when we saw the commercial and it was HORRIBLE. To be fair, it wasn’t so much Ann and Chelsey’s performance (although they DID enjoy the hell out of that ice cream more than they played up their makeup). The main problem was the embarrassing production values. I understand not everything can be as high-brown as “Modelli Folli”, but still…)

From there the girls shot their Cover Girl print ad (more on that a bit later) and met with an IMG Models big wig, in which he declared that Chelsey had more personality than Ann, and I declared “duh” and rolled my eyes.

Whoops! I forgot to mention the part where Ann and Chelsey’s families stopped by, and they were both absolutely adorable. The fact that Ann could quite possibly be the shortest person in her family amused me to no end. Meanwhile, Chelsey’s mom was adorable, and I liked her debating whether she should’ve told Tyra that her son has a huge crush on her.

Time for the runway show!

Coming into this episode, I thought Chelsey’s best chance to win would be to absolutely blow Ann away during the Roberto Cavalli runway show. Even more so than the “personality” thing, Chelsey’s biggest advantage over Ann was her walk (probably the best this season), especially when you consider Ann probably had the worst.

Well that didn’t happen. Nerves seemed to get the best Chelsey because her walk was stiff, awkward and the worst we’ve seen this season from her. Meanwhile, Ann’s walk was stiff and awkward, but actually managed to be an improvement over what we’ve seen from her. (Fortunately, she didn’t stumble until after the show when she was backstage.) In the end, the fashion show was pretty much a wash. (Ok, Chelsey gets the win because she didn’t have a psychotic look on her face like Ann did).

Time for the judges’ panel! Tyra, Nigel and ALT (in a particularly hideous barbershop cloak) were joined by Mr. Jay (taking a break from directing awful commercials) and Roberto Cavalli, who seems like he would’ve been smoking at the judges’ table if he’d been allowed.

All kidding aside, Cavalli and his broken English is welcome to stop by the panel at least once a month as far as I’m concerned. My favorite moment was during his critique of Ann’s Cover Girl print ad in which he pointed out that, “You look terrified…I like this photo!” (I mostly enjoyed the implication that he has a fetish for scared women.)

Both Cover Girl print ads were stunning. I suppose Chelsey’s ad kinda/sorta didn’t necessarily look like her, and her makeup wasn’t apparent. (Personally, I don’t think that’s a problem — you don’t want it to be caked on, do you?) Ann, on the other hand, had a haunting picture that was also fascinating because it was unlike any other Cover Girl ad I’ve ever seen.

And that pretty much sums up the appeal of Ann and explains why she won. (Cavalli broke it down thusly: Chelsey was great for American fashion, while Ann was ideal for Italian fashion.) She was pretty much unlike every other girl in the competition, and that makes her instantly standout. She’s going to get great shots and great gigs without even meaning to. Chelsey was constantly praised for her work ethic and her knowledge of the industry, and she’ll certainly get work as a model. It’s just that no one ever got super excited over working with Chelsey.

In the end, it was always going to be Ann, but I’ll give the show credit for working its ass off to drum up, at least, a shred of drama right before the moment Ann’s face popped up on that screen. Her glee and joy at winning was absolutely delightful. (Chelsey declaring that she felt cheated was mostly a bummer, but a little petty.)

So what’d you think of this episode? We know who Jane (Ann) and Kayla (Chelsey) were rooting for, but which team were Chris and Liz on? How funny was it when Ann left Chelsey hanging with her high-five during panel? (Who says Ann doesn’t have personality?) Finally, is this the best top 2 since Danielle and Joanie?

Thanks for watching this cycle along with me. See you in 2011.

America's Next Top Recap: Motion Sickness

(Close-up of my mouth as my lips whisper) “Jooohhhnnn.”

No, this is not Tyra Banks making her “blogging debut.” I just had to get my homage to a certain destined-to-be cinematic masterpiece out of the way at the start.

I was pretty tough on “Top Model” last week after the pathetic go-see disaster. (I think Kayla somehow just walked up to the Versace fashion house again!)

However, I’m excited to report the show bounced back with two (hell three!) delicious scoops of crazy last night thanks, in no small part, to Tyra Banks’ directorial debut “Modelli Folli.” (That’s “Model Madness” to us crude Americans.)

But we’ll get to how I’ve never ever rooted harder for my DVR not to cut off the end of an episode a little later.

We’re down to the final four and the episode’s operative word was “personality.” Seriously, if you had taken a shot every time someone said or alluded to one of the model’s personalities last night, you’d be drunk enough to get “Modelli Folli.”

To that end, the girls briefly met with an acting coach who was there to help them emote, and I was left to wonder if there’s any way for anyone to do any sort of acting exercise without looking like an idiot. (Though that’s kind of the point.)

The girls were supposed to use their newly-acquired “skills” to wow Franca Sozzani, Vogue Italia’s editor-in-chief.

Kayla, riding high from two straight top photo wins, talked more about her pictures than herself and pretty much completely blew it. Chelsey came in and was the most engaging, talking about how she used to save up money to buy Vogue Italia in Idaho. Ann, who desperately tried to come out of her shell throughout the episode, was her usual shy self, while Jane was pretty stiff and forgettable.

The winner (by default) was Chelsey, though I did like that Sozzani conceded that some people (like Ann) are just shy, and that’s not the worst thing in the world. Also, a peppy/perky Ann would’ve been phony and no one wants to see that. What I didn’t like was the way ALT was talking to Sozzani from the doorway throughout their conversation. I get why he was hanging back while the contestants were in there, but why the hell wouldn’t he come closer when it was just him and Sozzani in the room? Did she reek or something?!

Chelsey’s reward was a private viewing of The Last Supper, and she brought Kayla along. The two also got to hang out a seven-star hotel. Ann and Jane, meanwhile, stayed home, had Chinese food, doodled a drawing of The Last Supper, and displayed more personality in about a minute or so than they have throughout the entire competition.

Pretty soon, we came to the episode’s main event. Instead of a photo shoot, Tyra would direct the girls in a “motion editorial”, which I’m pretty sure is something she just made up the same way she likes to make up words. (Hello, “smize.”)

While they were filming, none of the girls seemed to bomb, so it was hard to see who stood out. Even Chelsey (pictured, right), who seemed to get off to a rough start, bounced back and wound up being my favorite. She was giving me some Daryl Hannah in “Blade Runner” vibes, and her walk was so fierce that Tyra didn’t even wind up using anyone else’s in the final cut.

(What? Did you seriously think I would talk up “Modelli Folli” this much and NOT link to it? That thing even freaked out Fellini!)

You want to know what the weirdest thing about this entire episode? I’ve convinced myself that Tyra made it this bad ON PURPOSE. Wait, don’t leave…hear me out!

Whatever you think of her public persona, I think if we’re being reasonable, we can agree that the woman is not an idiot. Whether she’s crazy is up for debate, but I’d argue that her “craziness” is akin to that of a fox. More importantly, Tyra HAS worked with some of the world’s top fashion photographers and I’m sure she’s even been around some great filmmakers. If she ever really, SERIOUSLY tried to make a good film, do you really think it would wind up looking like a pretentious Calvin Klein ad from hell?

You just nodded didn’t you? Ok, moving on.

Since Chelsey did so well and Ann has been killing it most of the season, when Ann was called first as a finalist, pretty much all the suspense over which two girls would be going home was gone. Kayla seemed to lose steam (and confidence) in this episode, while Jane was just too stiff and robotic in some of her movements.

That being said, I’m actually really impressed with the finalists we have, and I also think this is the strongest final four in a while. (Out of the girls who were eliminated, I especially think Jane will do well.)

So what’d you think of this episode? How much does an issue of Vogue cost in Idaho? (From the way Chelsey was going on about it, I’d guess about $45.) What’s the most amount of stars a hotel in Italy can earn? (Seven out of seven? Seven out of 10? Seven out of 100?!) Finally, who ya got? Chelsey’s walk is a million times better — which is especially crucial for the season finale’s runway show — and I picked her to win from the beginning (honest!).

But it still has to be Ann, right?! The judges and designers she’s met over the course of the competition absolutely FAWN over her model bona-fides. Smart money’s on her.

America's Next Top Recap: Statues and Limitations

I don’t possess a good enough vocabulary to describe just how pathetic the final five’s performance was during go-sees last night.

In fact, if it weren’t for a truly cool photo shoot, this probably would’ve ranked as one of the Worst.”Top Model”. Episodes. EVER.

All the ingredients were there for a brutally forgettable hour: mostly uninteresting contestants doing uninteresting things (how much footage of these girls wandering around and sweating must there be on the cutting room floor?) and a painfully-predictable outcome. Not only did the typically-effervescent Chris (pictured, left) repeatedly doubt herself at the top of the hour, but Kayla was there to helpfully remind us for the second week in a row that “Chris is not high-fashion.”

The girls met up with Tyra at IMG modeling where she gave the contestants a quick tutorial on how to build their portfolios. Believe it or not, I find this kind of thing interesting because it gives Tyra the credibility we often forget she has because she acts and dresses like a looney tune so much of the time. Plus, I learned something too: in Italy, they’re called “go-and-sees.” (I said I learned something — I didn’t say it was interesting.)

Each of the girls had four hours to visit four fashion houses. (Remember this: FOUR hours to visit just FOUR fashion houses that are apparently within reasonable walking distance of each other.) As soon as Tyra revealed that one of those fashion houses was Versace, I predicted all the girls would stupidly go there first. (A better idea would be to go there second, since EVERYONE was going there first — you’d at least have another go-see knocked out.) Jane teamed up with Chris, and Ann tagged along with Chelsey and Kayla even though it appeared she wasn’t invited.

Chelsey basically won because she was the only person to make it to two appointments, and because she made it back in time. Jane and Chris made it back about an hour and a half early, but neither booked Versace. Chelsey didn’t book Versace either, but she at least booked her second job. Meanwhile, Kayla is probably still trying to find her way bag to IMG as I type this. Chelsey’s reward was a Versace jacket, which you can was real…”not a knockoff.” (Thanks for the heads-up Kayla.)

Speaking of Kayla, between her second “Top Photo” honor in a row, and Chelsey’s passion and knowledge for the world of fashion and modeling, as well as her growing momentum in the competition had me thinking that they could seriously challenge Ann for the crown. But then I saw how Versace guy’s eyes lit up when Ann walked in the room and he said she was the only one he would book. (Alas, Ann was disqualified for tardiness). That exchange reminded me, “Oh yeah, there’s no frickin’ way she’s not winning this thing.” (Apparently, it also turned me into a guy from Jersey.)

On to the week’s photo shoot which had the girls made up like statues come to life by the love of their sculptor. Or as Kayla preferred to think of it, “EWWW, boys!”

That being said, I have to give her credit for sucking up her discomfort for the second week in a row and delivering a strong picture. I actually don’t think she looked as “alive” as she should’ve, but her body pose was spectacular. (The makeup and photography this week, actually, was pretty terrific.)

My favorite picture of the bunch was Chelsey’s because she actually managed to look like she was taking a breath. Ann also delivered another strong shot, which was easy to predict because she was eagerly engaged in this week’s artistic shoot.

That meant the bottom two was fairly obvious from the beginning. Chris was a lock because she wasn’t high-fashion (thanks again, Kayla), but it was clear she’d be joined by Jane (who went first) as soon as she burst into tears during the shoot. Jane has been criticized for being too stiff and lacking personality, which you think would be great when pretending to be a statue. Instead, it turned out to be a dud.

Coincidentally, it was those tears that convinced Tyra and the judges that Jane cared about the competition (and was capable of human emotion), allowing her to stay. More importantly, Tyra met her quota of “Tears from a ingénue” for the week, which will allow her to live forever.

Goodbye Chris. I hope your aching feet are feeling better. The first instinct when someone tells you that you should be doing comedy when you’re an aspiring model is to be insulted, but I actually think she would be a really good TV host/red carpet personality. At the very least, you’re much cooler than your downer of a sister. (Admit it: you’d forgotten about Chris’ lame sister!)

So what’d you think of this episode? Were the girls’ performance during go-sees too pathetic (which is what I believe) or just pathetic enough? Finally, do you think the show is overly relying on male models this cycle? (Is it because these girls can’t quite shine on their own?)

America's Next Top Recap: Here Today, Gondola Tomorrow

It never fails — if you’re on a reality show and you start talking about how much you miss your kids, chances are you’re going to be re-joining them soon.

And so it came to pass in the latest, relatively uneventful episode of “America’s Next Top Model.” But just because not that much happened (besides the girls flying halfway across the world) doesn’t mean there weren’t enough crazy things to marvel at.

But we’ll talk about Tyra’s pants a little later.

The episode started with Ms. J and the girls taking a bicycle ride around beachy Venice before coming upon a bridge and having a gondolier-berating Tyra roll up on them. In case they hadn’t already guessed, (and Chelsey’s barely-contained scream told me she guessed) the girls were going to that other Venice in Italy.

(Cue the jacked up plane graphic with the models’ glamour shots in on the windows.)

The girls were understandably psyched to be in Venice and in their luxurious hotel. The excitement was understandably tamped down when a bird pooped on a few of the girls, mostly catching Liz. Liz, who is already predisposed to complaining, wouldn’t let it go (according to the editing), much to Chelsey’s chagrin. Personally, I think the bird spoke for all of us and was the episode’s MVP.

For the week’s photo shoot, the girls would be posing three at a time with a Casanova. For a second, I was hoping they’d be posing with this guy. Instead, they posed with a male model. Mostly though, I wondered why they were doing the week’s photo shoot so early in the hour. (No challenge this week?!)

The best photo in the group belonged to Kayla. It wasn’t just because she outshined bottom-twoers Liz and Chris, but because her photo was the most self-assured and sexiest of the bunch. Not bad for someone who had a meltdown last week over having to interact with a man.

On the other boat, Ann struggled for what seems like the 10th straight week to get comfortable with the shoot and with the model. (From a logistic standpoint, it doesn’t make much sense to put the tallest person on the floor of a gondola.) That allowed Chelsey (still radiating cool without looking at the camera) and Jane to gain ground on former eventual winner Ann. (Now she’s merely a clear-cut front runner.)

Jane, in particular, is interesting — not because of anything she said (bring up your history degree one more time, please), but because I think she looks the most what people think models look like. I just don’t know if that’s a good thing or if the judges are looking for someone more unique.

Anyway, rain cut the shoot a little short and Mr. Jay informed the girls they’d be moving on to Milan, which my sources tell me is also in Italy and not Japan. (Milan does NOT equal “Mulan”, Liz.)

Once they arrived in Milan, the girls spent their time being underwhelmed by their apartment, which was small by “Top Model” standards, but pretty friggin’ sweet by real-world standards.

That’s when Tyra and the tightest pants I’ve ever seen showed up to give the girls lessons about “slumming it.” I honestly couldn’t tell you anything she said because I was mesmerized by those pants. Why were they so tight? Why were they so high? Why did Tyra decide to show everyone the outline of her vagina?

Anyway, from there the girls met Italian designer Angela Missoni, who put their girls in her winter collection because…actually, I have no idea why the hell she did that. The show worked hard to show us how hot it was in Venice and Milan, so it obviously wasn’t winter over there. Maybe there was a challenge this week after all, and it involved the last girl to pass out winning jewelry.

Angela was joined by her daughter/model/designer Margherita Missoni, who joined the judges panel and apparently became the object of Tyra’s girl-crush.

The result of this week’s panel was painfully obvious. Liz was always going to be the one to go home. Nigel seemed to still be mad at her for laughing her way through last week’s commercial, and Chris’ photo wasn’t even all that bad. (It was an interesting shot — just wrong for this photo shoot.)

In fact, the main source of drama came from whether or not any of the girls would faint, since they were forced to appear at the panel wearing those absurd winter duds. I’m glad no one passed out because I don’t want to see anyone actually get hurt…and because no one can ever top THIS.

So what’d you think of this episode? If you were on a reality show, would you ever mention your kids? How many times can ALT describe Ann as “incandescent” before it stops being amusing? Finally, who do you think is the biggest threat to Ann’s eventual win: Kayla, Jane or Chelsey?

America's Next Top Recap: Commercial Flops

I usually love commercial week on “Top Model.”

I realize it’s a bit cruel to say, but watching these girls attempt to act and trip over lines that inevitably include the phrase “lash blast” (sometimes while having to do a foreign accent) is a major source of entertainment for me on this show. I was particularly encouraged last night when we learned the girls wouldn’t be selling a Cover Girl product — they’d be shilling “Head to Toe” vitamin water, a fake brand conceived by Tyra based on one of the phrases she made up and desperately tried to coin! (Read that last sentence again, and let the insanity wash over you.)

The commercial even had an original — and amazingly awful — pseudo-rap song for a soundtrack. Also, this year’s “foreign accent” was “roller blades” in the Unnecessary Obstacle sweepstakes.

Still, even though the great majority were every bit as awesomely bad as you would expect a bunch of non-actors to deliver (forget acting — they can barely MODEL!), it was far from a laugh riot thanks to a front-runner’s (literal) stumbles and another contestant’s major revelation.

The episode began with Ms. J and superstar designer Zac Posen stopping by the house and telling the girls they’d be wearing Posen’s 2010 fall collection in a runway show. They would also be walking alongside professional models. (Further hammering home the point that the contestants are not actually models.)

Before the show, Ms. J told the models to be extra bitchy to the contestants in an effort to rattle them and test their resolve before and during the show. I thought it would’ve been funny if the show edited out the scene of Ms. J giving these instructions and we all just assumed the models were major bitches, while my girlfriend preferred to imagine that the models were originally horrible on their own and the scene with Ms. J was added in afterwards.

Either way, the models seized their roles with relish (hey, there WAS some good acting in this episode). I’m not sure if that’s the reason a relatively mediocre runway show — it could just be that the girls aren’t very good models. Ann looked uncomfortable, Liz looked too hoity-toity, but Esther’s wobbly walk was the worst. (Not the last time these three would struggle again.) On the other hand, Jane (who’s coming on as a model lately, if not as an exciting person) did well, but the win (and Zac Posen clothes) belonged to Chelsey, who had a strong, sassy walk.

Later, Mr. Jay and Nigel stopped in for the second rude, unannounced visit at the model house to announce the commercial shoot. In addition to selling (fake) Vitamin Water on roller skates, the girls were supposed to get all kissy with a guy at the end of the commercial.

Kayla was seriously freaking out about the prospect of nuzzling up to a guy. At first, I assumed it was because she was gay — which was also her inspiration for wanting to appear on the Grammys — but she revealed to Mr. Jay that (needle scratching on record sound!) she had been sexually assaulted repeatedly when she was 11 years old. As silly a show as this is, I have to give Mr. Jay credit for handling the matter in a sensitive way and gently reminding Kayla that she couldn’t be a successful model if she was too willing to pass up on certain opportunities.

Kayla’s commercial ended up being not very good, but she engaged the camera pretty well, and Tyra randomly became enamored by the idea that she looked like she was from the hood. Either way, Kayla’s commercial wasn’t even in the top 3 for awfulness.

I’m awarding Liz the bronze medal, even if her laughing through her screw-ups didn’t annoy me nearly as much as it did Nigel. The silver medal of futility has to go to Ann, who fell so often as she tried to get her lines out that the male model ended up spotting her. It was truly uncomfortable to watch.

In a related story, you’re not going to believe this, but Chris — the one person who looked really comfortable on the skates (some backwards action) — did the best and easily earned top honors!

That left Esther (pictured, right) as the winner/loser of the gold medal for awfulness this week. Her commercial was lifeless, dull and completely forgettable. Unfortunately, those nouns can (and were) applied to Esther as well. She was going home even if she hadn’t been in the top 2 along with Ann, who had ZERO chance of going home.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there a bigger ripoff in this world than the concept of “vitamin water”? Anyone else kinda shocked Kayla’s revelation didn’t come up during panel? Finally, given her performance in the last two weeks and her increasingly shaky confidence, is it actually possible that Ann WON’T win?