I usually love commercial week on “Top Model.”I realize it’s a bit cruel to say, but watching these girls attempt to act and trip over lines that inevitably include the phrase “lash blast” (sometimes while having to do a foreign accent) is a major source of entertainment for me on this show. I was particularly encouraged last night when we learned the girls wouldn’t be selling a Cover Girl product — they’d be shilling “Head to Toe” vitamin water, a fake brand conceived by Tyra based on one of the phrases she made up and desperately tried to coin! (Read that last sentence again, and let the insanity wash over you.)
The commercial even had an original — and amazingly awful — pseudo-rap song for a soundtrack. Also, this year’s “foreign accent” was “roller blades” in the Unnecessary Obstacle sweepstakes.
Still, even though the great majority were every bit as awesomely bad as you would expect a bunch of non-actors to deliver (forget acting — they can barely MODEL!), it was far from a laugh riot thanks to a front-runner’s (literal) stumbles and another contestant’s major revelation.
The episode began with Ms. J and superstar designer Zac Posen stopping by the house and telling the girls they’d be wearing Posen’s 2010 fall collection in a runway show. They would also be walking alongside professional models. (Further hammering home the point that the contestants are not actually models.)
Before the show, Ms. J told the models to be extra bitchy to the contestants in an effort to rattle them and test their resolve before and during the show. I thought it would’ve been funny if the show edited out the scene of Ms. J giving these instructions and we all just assumed the models were major bitches, while my girlfriend preferred to imagine that the models were originally horrible on their own and the scene with Ms. J was added in afterwards.
Either way, the models seized their roles with relish (hey, there WAS some good acting in this episode). I’m not sure if that’s the reason a relatively mediocre runway show — it could just be that the girls aren’t very good models. Ann looked uncomfortable, Liz looked too hoity-toity, but Esther’s wobbly walk was the worst. (Not the last time these three would struggle again.) On the other hand, Jane (who’s coming on as a model lately, if not as an exciting person) did well, but the win (and Zac Posen clothes) belonged to Chelsey, who had a strong, sassy walk.
Later, Mr. Jay and Nigel stopped in for the second rude, unannounced visit at the model house to announce the commercial shoot. In addition to selling (fake) Vitamin Water on roller skates, the girls were supposed to get all kissy with a guy at the end of the commercial.
Kayla was seriously freaking out about the prospect of nuzzling up to a guy. At first, I assumed it was because she was gay — which was also her inspiration for wanting to appear on the Grammys — but she revealed to Mr. Jay that (needle scratching on record sound!) she had been sexually assaulted repeatedly when she was 11 years old. As silly a show as this is, I have to give Mr. Jay credit for handling the matter in a sensitive way and gently reminding Kayla that she couldn’t be a successful model if she was too willing to pass up on certain opportunities.
Kayla’s commercial ended up being not very good, but she engaged the camera pretty well, and Tyra randomly became enamored by the idea that she looked like she was from the hood. Either way, Kayla’s commercial wasn’t even in the top 3 for awfulness.
I’m awarding Liz the bronze medal, even if her laughing through her screw-ups didn’t annoy me nearly as much as it did Nigel. The silver medal of futility has to go to Ann, who fell so often as she tried to get her lines out that the male model ended up spotting her. It was truly uncomfortable to watch.
In a related story, you’re not going to believe this, but Chris — the one person who looked really comfortable on the skates (some backwards action) — did the best and easily earned top honors!
That left Esther (pictured, right) as the winner/loser of the gold medal for awfulness this week. Her commercial was lifeless, dull and completely forgettable. Unfortunately, those nouns can (and were) applied to Esther as well. She was going home even if she hadn’t been in the top 2 along with Ann, who had ZERO chance of going home.
So what’d you think of this episode? Is there a bigger ripoff in this world than the concept of “vitamin water”? Anyone else kinda shocked Kayla’s revelation didn’t come up during panel? Finally, given her performance in the last two weeks and her increasingly shaky confidence, is it actually possible that Ann WON’T win?
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