Dancing with the Stars: This S--- is Bananas!

Were there always this many theme weeks? I don’t think so.

It feels like the show is trying to do everything in its power to distract us from the fact that this is the weakest crop of dancers in recent “Dancing with the Stars” history.

Now, I realize “Dancing with the Stars” is only approximately 20% about, um, dancing, but this subpar group is making everything that’s not about insane costumes, critiques, props, and Brooke Burke comments unbearably boring.

And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the actual competition last night didn’t get started until about 30 minutes!

Let’s break down the dancing (because we have to), as the couples tackled TV themes.

Brandy and Maks: It was all downhill from here — at least in terms of the judges’ leader board, since Brandy and Maks danced away with the week’s highest scores thanks to their quickstep to the “Friends” theme song. I think this was Brandy’s strongest dance to date both from a technical and a performance standpoint, so I’m glad that she was rewarded with 9s. I just don’t understand why their characters were apparently seven years old. (Seriously, what was up with the giant lollipop?)

Florence Henderson and Corky: Tell me that I passed out and DREAMED that the judges gave this train wreck three 7s! Bruno had it right when he compared Florence to a rag doll after the way Corky manhandled her across the dance floor. (So why in the hell did Bruno give her the exact same score as his peers?) I would give Florence credit for tackling a tougher routine if she’d been allowed to take her own steps rather than having Corky pull her along for the ride. Also, whose idea was it to do a tango to “The Brady Bunch” theme song?! Finally, the Barry Williams/Florence Henderson relationship(?)…still creepy! This was all so bad that my girlfriend Erica threatened to stop watching “Dancing with the Stars” when it was over. Seriously.

Kurt Warner and Anna: Their quickstep to the “Bewitched” theme song was fine and Kurt remains fun to watch (despite his sometimes-wonky posture), but my favorite thing about them this week was Anna having no idea what “Bewitched” or Walter Payton were, and expecting all of us to know that Strelka and Belka are two Russian dogs who went into space. With so many Pros from other parts of the world, why haven’t we seen this kind of culture clash before?!

Audrina Patridge and Tony: Let’s settle this once and for all: “Unwritten” is NOT a TV Theme song — it’s a hit pop song that played at the beginning of “The Hills.” (Conversely, “I’ll Be There For You” would be nothing without “Friends.”) Let’s talk about Audrina — she didn’t look COMPLETELY dead in the eyes, but she still didn’t bring nearly enough intensity to the rumba, which also didn’t flow enough. On top of that, now her breath reeks.

Kyle Massey and Lacey: As soon as Kyle and Lacey started busting out their disco moves, I knew Len was going to hate it. And, yes, Len has a point the foxtrot-to-disco ratio probably skewed too much toward the latter. Still, I would remind Len that they’re dancing to the “Charlie’s Angels” theme song! (That’d be the TV show, not the Cameron Diaz/Drew Barrymore version, Kyle.) That show was SO 70’s-riffic, I’m not sure what else they were supposed to do. Blame whoever’s coming up with these theme weeks, Len! I thought Kyle was strong this week (particularly in his partner work). My favorite part of the whole thing (other than the announcer’s voice coming out of the intercom) was Lacey’s “oh well” attitude. (She KNEW Len would hate it, but oh well.)

Rick Fox and Cheryl: Rick and Cheryl’s rumba to the “Hill Street Blues” theme song was actually my favorite dance of the night. That’s quite an accomplishment seeing as how the duo managed to be sexy without being overtly vulgar. It’s also an accomplishment because it was a dance set in a police station’s locker room. Before the dance, Rick introduced Cheryl to former teammate Kobe Bryant and former coach Phil Jackson. I hate the Lakers and, as a Knicks fan, I SHOULD hate Phil Jackson for the way his Bulls terrorized my team in the 90’s. But I don’t — he’s just a cool guy. In a related story, I have no problem hating Kobe. (Although, I’d like to know how he knows that basketball players have done badly on this show…has he been watching?!)

Bristol Palin and Mark (pictured, right): It’s the one people are talking about, and it was a TRULY unfortunate performance — but I’m not mad at Bristol for doing it. Her technique has been solid, but she’s bored me to tears these past few weeks. She definitely wasn’t boring last night. Unfortunately, she sacrificed pretty much all her technique, tripping over her gorilla costume and forgetting the routine. Still, I didn’t hate it — at least not the way Bristol hates the jive. Also, gorillas are NOT monkeys (or Monkees).

Jennifer Grey and Derek: After all the mediocrity that preceded them, I had high hopes for Jennifer and Derek, so they were destined to fall short. Technically, the dance (a foxtrot to the “Married with Children” theme song) was fine, but it was definitely missing a spark. I guess they left all their passion and emotion in the rehearsal room after their “argument.” Come on, producers! We all know Jennifer Grey is going to win this thing, no matter how much you try to make it look like she’s struggling.

So what’d you think of this episode? Would you watch a new “Charlie’s Angels” starring Lacey, Chelsie and Kym? (I’m thinking Lacey would have to go back to brunette.) Are you enjoying Eliza Dushku’s “I’ll cut a bitch” face whenever Carrie Ann fawns over Rick as much as I am? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m predicting a shocker — I think it’s going to be Kyle!)