Jersey Shore: She's No Angel

Look, I’m no Angelina fan — if I knew her in real life, I’d probably end up killing myself, then her — but I have to admit that a small, masochistic part of me is going to miss her.

(I decided to forgo the “Spoiler Alert” for the first sentence of this recap because it’s just a given that whenever Angelina joins the cast of “Jersey Shore” she is going to end up packing her bags and going home before the end of the season. At least this time, she didn’t actually pack garbage bags. Instead, she packed about eight suitcases. Upgrade!)

Last week, The Situation elegantly explained the completely unfair double standard that nevertheless exists in which a guy who hooks up with a lot of girls is considered a player, while a girl who sleeps with a bunch of guys is a slut. For the better part of the last two episodes, Angelina has been getting killed mostly for acting like a slut. (All her other horribleness was on the backburner.)

The episode picked up where last week’s left off, with Angelina “striking” The Situation. (I get that you don’t put your hands on people, but can’t we agree that Mike played up the whole “she hit me” angle?) To the surprise of no one, Angelina threatened to leave, but was momentarily talked down from the ledge by J-Woww, of all people, president and member of the “I’ve Smacked The Situation in the Face Club.”

Then again, there’s an actual reason why everyone hates Angelina.

Not being able to help herself, she used Jose (a common theme this year) as a human shield and took over The Situation’s bed while he was in the smash room with Samantha, the Canadian chick. (A bit more on her later.)

While I don’t completely buy Mike’s rhetoric about them being a “family”, Angelina’s complete lack of effort to pleasantly interact with anyone else in the house, and her total unwillingness to accept personal responsibility (the pad thing was unforgivable) really meant that she had to go. (Side note: I have a theory that if people on reality shows just cleaned down own dish after they ate, they could reduce in-house drama by as much as 75%.)

While the rest of the cast was at the club, Angelina packed her bags, but waited around to make her grand exit because she wanted them to know that she wasn’t leaving because of them (huh?!) even though she did. Of course, she hinted at the real reason she hung around when she admitted that she kinda hoped that someone would ask her to stay. (Not even only-friend-in-the-house Sammi spoke up — but then again, Sammi didn’t speak until there were two minutes left in this episode, and I was ok with that.)

This girl has serious issues, which is why I feel bad for her. But whenever I start feeling bad for her, she does something like flip off everyone else in the house and yell that they’re fake. (Side note #2: Is “fake” the most overused insult on TV? I say “on TV” because I’ve never heard anyone actually use that insult in real life.)

Also, who picks a fight with Snooki? Ronnie, considerably less douche-y since the show stopped focusing on his relationship with Sammi, hilariously compared fighting Snooki to beating up a baby, and made fun of her T-Rex arms.

The fight began because Snooki came home with Alex, Angelina’s “sloppy seconds”. This, after Angelina targeted two guys that Snooki had gotten busy with. When they were rolling around the floor fighting, I wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d started making out. (We already know Snooki would say “yes.”) The fight was definitely more a crowd-pleaser than the Sammi/J-Woww brawl if only because Snooki was mostly drunk.

Snooki didn’t even show up until the half-hour mark, but quickly made up for lost time. She came up with a list of qualities for her ideal man (including “dork at heart” and “romantical”) and set about finding him at the club by yelling, “Make out with me!” and showing everyone her ass.

The first half hour was dominated by The Situation/Angelina drama, and Mike’s exploits with Samantha, the Canuck who Likes to…you know.

Not really sure why The Situation appears to have thrown her away. She was one of the few girls he actually got around to sleeping with (he usually gets thwarted somehow), and her protectiveness seemed to turn him on. Maybe The Situation is looking for someone he can wife up, ala Pauly D with Rocio. (Ok, probably not.)

So what’d you think of this episode? What does your ideal gorilla juicehead have? Is it “smash”, “smush” both or either? (I’m SO confused.) Shorts or sweats? Finally, how long before a musical “Jersey Shore” episode? (All together now: “It’s Teeee-SHIRT TIMMEEEE!”) Ooh, maybe an opera.