America's Next Top Recap: Street Walkers

“Ann, you’re making this so not-interesting.”

Pop quiz: What was Tyra talking about when she uttered these words last night.

A.) Ann winning top photo honors for the FIFTH week in a row.
B.) The latest, ho-hum episode of “America’s Next Top Model.”
C.) The entirety of Cycle 15.

Obviously, the answer is D.) All of the above!

I’m going to try my best to keep this recap short because not a heck of a lot happened in this episode and because we all know who’s going to win.

Still, the show is trying its best to re-emphasize that being a “Top Model” is more than taking fantastic pictures. A “Top Model” must have a strong runway walk, act as a semi-articulate spokeswoman, and be able to sell makeup to a focus group at Walmart. (Nothing against Walmart, I get groceries there — I just didn’t expect it to make an appearance during this high-fashion season.)

This week’s challenge had the contestants traveling to their nearest Walmart and teaming up in groups of three to see which threesome could best charm a group of randomly-selected people into buying makeup. At stake was a shopping spree in (the Cover Girl aisle of) Walmart.

Ugh! Bring back the rollercoasters and conveyor belt runways!

Here’s what you need to know about the challenge: Chris talked too much (and talked over teammate Chelsey), Ann didn’t talk enough, and Kacey won for being the most personable, even though Liz would tell you she was being “fake.” Since this wasn’t a competition to see who could be the most “real”, Kacey got to go on the shopping spree with teammates Esther and Kayla. (In a related story, Liz, who I was rooting for early this season, kinda sucks — she’s stopped complaining at photo shoots, but she still doesn’t bring much to the modeling table.)

Not too much happened in the model house now that Lexie isn’t there to start fights with Kacey, so let’s move on to this week’s jam-packed photo shoot, which had the girls being photographed walking down Rodeo Drive two-at-a-time and flanking a male model, AND an action/walking shot. (There was also an additional beauty shot we didn’t learn about until the episode’s last 10 minutes.)

The guest photographer was Patrick Demarchilier (pictured, left), who I’m told is a legend in the industry, but mostly struck me as the most French person I’ve ever seen or heard. (The only thing missing was a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.) For extra fun, Tyra popped up at the shoot to show the girls how it’s done and so that passing fans could yell out her name.

You’re not going to believe this, but one of my favorite photos belonged to Ann. I’m more inclined to give her action picture the nod over the sidewalk shot because the sidewalk shot (like last week) appears to have happened completely by accident. My other two favorites were Jane (who looked fierce and VERY high fashion), and Esther (who continues to impress, despite the fact that we haven’t heard her speak in a month).

I also liked Chris’ solo work with the male model (adorable), even if it WAS totally “Teen Vogue.” (I was also shocked that they didn’t give Kacey alone time with her male model crush Shaw, especially in light of what was about to happen.) One thing I really didn’t like was Chelsey lamenting about how she’d be paired with Ann. Ann’s the cream of the crop right now, and wanting to avoid a direct showdown with Ann is simply loser talk. A great man once said, “To be the man, you gotta beat the man.”

My least favorite photos were from Kendal (I liked that she looked like a 70’s blackspoitation character, but didn’t get all the fawning praise), Kayla (unable to hide her suffering in those small shoes — at least she didn’t vocally whine about it like Liz) and Kacey. Yikes…KKK!

Since I think Kayla has shown top 3 potential in the past it was pretty clear who was going home. The fact that Kacey had the absolute WORST photos of the week (she couldn’t even be bothered to turn her head during the motion shot) may have also had something to do with it.

Goodbye, Kacey. I never thought you were as horrible as the other girls seemed to think you were, so enjoy your jewelry and Cover Girl makeup.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is “she looks like Kate...Moss’s…best friend” the most confoundingly awesome critique ever given on this show? Was I the only clueless guy who didn’t realize there was such a thing as “Teen Vogue”? Finally, with Kacey gone, who will be the girl the rest of the models turn on now? (Ann?)