Jersey Shore: Broken Wingman

Where most scripted shows build to a grand crescendo as they get closer to their season finales, “Jersey Shore” seems to be fizzing out for the second year in a row.

And that’s after an episode in which The Situation got the group kicked out of “Space” (Miami’s “hottest club”?) after picking a fight with a guy half his size, cock blocked Pauly D (twice!), and in which J-Woww wore her most outrageous outfit yet. I mean, were the pasties part of the top, or did she put those on separately? Also, why bother?!

The action picked up where we left off last week with The Situation acting like a creep. To his credit, he came over to Snooki’s bed and apologized for his abhorrent behavior…by lying on top of her, repeatedly kissing her and forcing her to accept his apology. Never mind.

The next portion of this scattershot episode focused on how much Snooki was missing her friend Ryder, went home. I thought J-Woww was going to act all wounded that Snooki was treating her like chopped liver, but she was too busy making her “Space” outfit as revealing as humanly possible without having any private parts blurred out. (Even professional female wrestlers thought the outfit was over-the-top.)

The trip to “Space” was supposed to cheer Snooki up, but instead she was getting baited by a drunk chick, and The Situation jumped in to defend her honor. And by, “defend her honor”, I mean that he saw a chance to yell at a short guy and act tough. The group was subsequently removed from “Space.” (We hardly knew ye.) I mean, it was only 3:15 a.m. – they JUST got there!

On their way out, Pauly managed to wrangle a couple of girls and bring them back to the house. Unfortunately, The Situation was informed by Pauly’s girl that Mike’s girl wouldn’t be hooking up with him. “Don’t let the outfit fool you…” should become a catchphrase. (And so should, “I never said anything about checkers, old man.”)

You see, unless you’re there to have sex with him in a timely manner, The Situation has no use for you as a human being. I get how he’d be under the impression that a girl who goes home with a guy she just met a club would be DTF. However, he should probably realize that a lot of these women who come back to the house with them (and who sign the releases so that their faces aren’t blurred out) MAY be less interested in them as human beings and more interested in appearing on TV.

While this was happening, Vinny continued to “wife up” Romanian Ramona, and I continued to wish that Pauly would stop messing around with random girls and chicks from “Canadia” and just “wife up” Rocio. (Come on! She’s a “Little Mermaid” fan.)

Other than a redux of the “Pauly bringing two girls home, and The Situation blowing it” scenario (in Mike’s slight defense, that one girl’s breasts were SCREAMING “DTF!”), not much else happened in the episode.

The hookup chart segment was a disappointment other than the revelation that Snooki (said, “You usually don’t have sex with your big brother after Mike kissed her”) has made out with pretty much everyone in the house.

Pauly briefly made my brain explode when he said, “At one point, we all didn’t know any of us.” (Whoa!) Also, there a scene where The Situation’s cooking set off a smoke alarms and the firefighters showed up…and then left. (Riveting stuff!) After that, The Situation managed to get his car towed, so he and Vinny had to walk around for a while and look for it. (Are you still awake?) And I think that’s about it for this episode.

(Seriously…do I have to?!)

Fine, I wouldn’t be a responsible recapper if I didn’t bring up the umpteenth example of Sammi being absolutely insufferable.

Sammi wandered aloud if she was exotic looking, and Ronnie responded “You look Asian. I like it.” (HOW DARE HE?!?!) You see, it turns out that Ronnie’s ex-girlfriend is Asian, and what he’s really saying is that he’s still in love with her and wants to dump Sammi immediately! (At least this is how Sammi took it.)

Of course, assuming Ronnie was thinking about his ex when he said that is giving him WAY too much credit. (He was thinking?) My favorite part was Snooki trying to comfort Sammi afterwards, even as she acknowledged that Sammi was acting like an idiot.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you miss Ryder? Is there any way Sammi could be more annoying? Finally, what are your hopes and dreams for the season finale?