Dancing with the Stars: Circling the Drain

Acoustic Week! A smaller, circular stage with a runway! Double Score Showdown!

Last night’s “Dancing with the Stars” threw everything but the (bedazzled) kitchen sink at us.

In fact, the only thing missing from the latest episode was, with one very notable exception, GREAT dancing.

Let’s see how the couples did as they took on the rumba (which, I think is the toughest for celebrities to get) and the Argentine tango. (AKA, the cool tango where you can do lifts.)

Kurt Warner and Anna: I thought Kurt was WAY underscored right after the judges gave him his poor performance and technical scores. (I somehow managed to see the scores, despite The Situation flexing his pecs in the background.) After seeing everyone else’s underwhelming, mostly-snoozy routines, I REALLY thought he was way underscored. Yes, the hands were pretty bad (and the super slo-mo didn’t do them any favors), and Warner, like most male celebrities, looked ridiculous when he tried to move his hips at the start of the rumba, but I thought he eventually got into it and delivered a lovely performance. Somehow Kurt got over his discomfort about putting his hands on another woman…by bringing in his wife to watch them. Whatever works.

Brandy and Maks: What’s the opposite for having chemistry with someone? Whatever it is, that’s what Brandy and Maks have. I guess you could say they clash, but that seems too strong for me. (And clashing with someone can result in its own chemistry.) When these two are together, there’s just nothing there. I wonder if they realize how uncomfortable it is to watch them, especially on their faux-date in which Maks took her to a “BAR” and brusquely presented her with flowers before Brandy revealed a shockingly long dry spell. (Six years?!)

Oh yeah, the dancing. The rumba was definitely an improvement from last week, but she’s still not generating or conveying enough power in her movements. She looks too dainty and fragile out there.

Rick Fox and Cheryl: I was expecting something really good because Rick was a (goofy) animal during rehearsal, and Cheryl revealed that the Argentine tango was her favorite dance. However, the performance was shockingly boring. It looked like Rick was concentrating too hard on his dancing and forgot to make his dance interesting. In fact, the most interesting part about it was his mustache.

Kyle Massey and Lacey: Len’s been banging on his footwork for most of the season, and he finally improved in that area. The only problem is that it came at the expense of his upper body (especially his arms), which whipped around way too hard and fast during the rumba. (At the beginning, it looked like he was going to choke/strangle her from behind.) Still, he remains surprisingly graceful for a bigger guy, and he, once again, nailed the performance aspect of the dance.

The Situation and Karina (pictured, right): There’s no two ways about it: this tango was TERRIBLE. (I lost counts of how many “reallys” Bruno used to describe how bad it was.) The footwork was atrocious, and The Situation got visibly frustrated when he made a misstep. On the bright side, (believe it or not, there was a bright side), The Situation actually looked like a believable ballroom dancer (before he started dancing), and the will he/won’t he drop her aspect of the dance made it more exciting than more than half the performances. (Tell me you weren’t holding when your breath when he took an extra beat to lift Karina for that first lift.)

Florence Henderson and Corky: Whether it was appropriate or not, this was by far the best performance package of the night. (Even if it ended with a nude Corky shot that no one needed to see.) The rumba itself was entertaining and a step in the right direction for Florence. I just wish that Corky’s routines for his senior citizen partners didn’t veer into jokey territory quite as often. (Yes, he has to distract from the fact that they can’t move that much, but find another way!)

Jennifer Grey and Derek: This tango (the first dance to earn 10s this year) was so far and away the best dance of the evening (and the season) that I don’t really need to add anything more. Brilliant routine that was also sexy (without hitting us over the head with it), fantastically executed by Jennifer Grey, who more than kept up with Derek.

Bristol Palin and Mark: What is it with the Ballas men and their inability to keep their clothes on last night? I know shirtlessness is common (and encouraged on this show), but the routine literally included a beat where all Bristol did was lift his shirt up over his head. Mark, like his dad again, seems more intent on distracting the judges from his partner’s shortcomings than he is in challenging her and making her better. The judges really emphasized what I’ve been saying all along — the ability is there, but she needs to cut loose and just BRING IT. I saw more intensity from her son Tripp during the rehearsal package.

Audrina Patridge and Tony: A disappointingly forgettable episode-closing performance. The tango-fied Jefferson Airplane cover of “Somebody to Love” didn’t do them any favors. (Tony somehow found a way to point this out and NOT come off like a whiny douche.) Audrina, once again, looks the part on the dance floor from the neck down, but is still almost completely dead in the eyes. Maybe she should practice squinting more and not worry about the potential wrinkles.

So what’d you think of this episode? Anyone else distracted by the football skycams zooming around the ballroom during the performances? Is it really true that Brandy hasn’t “been with anybody in six years”? (And what EXACTLY do we mean by “been with anybody”?) Finally, who do you think is going home? (I'm thinking there are probably less“Jersey Shore” fans out there who watch "Dancing with the Stars", than there are Bristol Palin fans.)