America's Next Top Recap: Bee Prepared

This is more like it!

After a season-opening episode that was light on drama (or anything else that might be interesting), the latest cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” officially kicked off Wednesday night with an episode that featured raw chicken, dead siblings, and bees!

I feel like we found out more about some of these girls in the first five minutes of this episode than we did in the entirety of last week’s hour. For example, we learned that Molly is adopted and eternally grateful to the family that raised her. We also learned that Dominique kind of eats like a pig and that Ondrei has two brothers who have died.

(Needle scratching on record sound)

Yes, Ondrei has two brothers who died — one of them relatively recently — but the oddest thing was the way she casually dropped this bombshell. Since one of them died right before Ondrei joined the competition, some of the girls wondered if 100% of her attention was dedicated to becoming America’s Next Top Model.

As for Dominique eating like a pig: I’m guessing that was brought up as a way to segue into the segment where Tyra brought her nutritionist, Heather Bauer, to the house. Heather taught the girls about “cheaties”, foods that seem bad for you but really aren’t. This segment was pretty much a giant snooze, although I DID learn that spaghetti and meatballs is healthier than an eggplant parmigiana (yay!) if you’re trying to become a model (nevermind).

Speaking of food, Dalya discovered some raw chicken marinating in barbecue sauce in a bowl inside the fridge. For some reason, this really bothered Dalya and since the chicken belonged to abrasive Alexandria it incited the first dust-up inside the house this season. (It wasn’t the smartest way to marinate the chicken for whatever.) The main point this scene drove home is that Alexandria (so bossy last week) is this season’s villain. Because god forbid we decide on our own who we like and who we don’t like.

I’m not entirely onboard the Alexandria-is-evil bandwagon for two reasons: 1.) I don’t like being manipulated or told how I should feel. 2.) I thought it was absolutely hilarious that Alexandria was openly laughing at Jaclyn as she tearfully confronted her own insecurities about how no one takes her seriously because of her high voice and babyface.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the models visited an acting coach who had them confront their own worst critics: themselves. More specifically, he had them draw a representation of that inner nagging voice and then had them confront their most serious issues, which would allow them to be more open as models (or something). Ondrei predictably spoke about how two deceased brothers, while Molly confronted the mom who gave her up for adoption…so you can see how Jaclyn’s issues weren’t exactly on the same level as some of the other girls.

The week’s photo shoot was introduced by a pun-happy Mr. Jay. The good news is that the girls would bee taking beauty shots and modeling jewelry. The bad news is that the jewelry would be covered in pheromones designed to attracted bees. (Not the bees!!!) They would also be photographed by Mike Rosenthal, who kinda looks like Grayson from “Cougar Town” at his douchiest.

None of the girls had serious issues with the bees (even though Jaclyn is allergic to bees). In fact, even though Hannah started crying, it was because she was doing a bad job up to that point and not because of the bees. Monique called Hannah pathetic, which made me think that maybe Monique (not Alexandria) is the actual bitch of the season. Monique didn’t sympathize with Ondrei either, saying that Ondrei should go home and quit taking up a spot if her heart wasn’t in the competition.

Well Ondrei did just that, quitting the competition at the start of panel and making anyone who may have picked her to win this season look like an idiot. Oh well.

Monique may or may not be the bitch of the season, but I think she absolutely delivered the best photo of the night. She DID look a little evil, and, as Tyra said “evil is better than blah.” I also liked Mikaela’s striking photo and Brittani’s salon-worthy shot more than I liked Hannah’s shot (pictured, left), which won top honors this week. Yes, the crying ended up working and she deserves credit for rolling with it, but I can’t fully give her props for stumbling onto a good photo.

Even though Ondrei quit, Tyra said she would still eliminate someone if they had a worse photo than Ondrei. In my opinion, both Dalya and Nicole fit the bill, but Nicole was sent home after being unable to translate her youthfulness to her photos for the second straight week. (She really did look like a haggard 26 year old in her picture.) I would’ve booted Dalya, who has a strong face, but no idea what she’s doing at all. Her only good shot was the one in which her eyes were closed! Come on! Old-face deserved another chance!

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you have a salon in your home? Anyone else really miss “Cougar Town”? Finally, how long is Andre Leon Talley seriously going to wear a feather duster in his hair?