Jersey Shore: Roger Dodger

The latest episode of “Jersey Shore” definitively answered one of pop culture’s most burning questions from this young century:

We finally learned, “Who let the dogs out?” It was The Situation!

I HATE to admit this because I share Pauly D’s thoughts on the Ronnie/Sammi saga (“If this relationship continues, I will kill myself”), but — after a couple of blah weeks — last night’s episode was thoroughly entertaining.

I’m guessing it wasn’t a coincidence that the Ronnie/Sammi drama was back in full force. (Get your popcorn ready!)

Before all that, we were treated to a lonely Situation’s shenanigans. With Vinny and Pauly D away on a road trip to see Vinny’s family in Staten Island (which ***SPOILER ALERT*** turned out to be an actual island) and Ronnie and the ladies GTL’ing, the Situation was stuck at home with J-Woww’s dogs, which he nicknamed Lean Cuisine and Juicebox for reasons known only to him.

The Situation did what any reasonable person would do: he made it look like the dogs had escaped their enclosure on their own, fed them pizza and peanut butter and laughed hysterically as they peed on the carpet and pooed way too close to his roommates’ property.

I was hoping that we were done with poop in this house after the plumbers unclogged the toilet last week. Instead — as J-Woww would later describe the latest Ronnie/Sammi fight — it was “same s---, different toilet.”

Mike tried to pretend that he was asleep and that the dogs had gotten out on their own, but Det. Snooki and Det. Deena smelled The Situation’s cologne on one of the dogs. BUSTED! I mean, there was also the fact that Mike was the only person in the house at the time, but I don’t want to steal the thunder away from Det. Snooki’s keen sense of smell.

While returning home from a separate GTL’ing (I hate myself for using that as a verb) session, J-Woww spotted her boyfriend(?) Roger’s car and tried to get his attention by honking her horn and pulling up next to him. Roger sped away, and Ronnie and Pauly D started busting J-Woww’s chops and telling her that they’d seen another girl in the car.

J-Woww did what any reasonable person would do: she called Roger from the duck phone and when he didn’t answer, she broke up with him because there couldn’t possibly be any reasonable explanation for his actions. Except that there was — turns out he was speeding from the gym to the barber shop so he could make his appointment on time (which also explained why he didn’t answer his phone…he was getting a haircut). On a personal note, if someone in a black SUV started frantically honking at me while I was driving, I’m not going to pull off to the side of the road, roll down my window and talk to them.

I loved how J-Woww’s roommates immediately switched gears and tried to comfort her by telling her that they were sure Roger hadn’t done anything wrong. Unfortunately, they told her this AFTER she made her idiotic phone call. (They were like, “Oops, this s--- just got real.) Sure, busting J-Woww’s chops was a little cold, but it’s pretty much all her fault for being stupid enough to believe them. I also didn’t care for her half-hearted apology to Roger, even though it was probably weak because she was so embarrassed.

Finally, we have the return of the Ronnie/Sammi saga.

Early in the episode, the couple had made out while they were clubbing and as America collectively yelled, “NOOOOOO!!!” Fortunately, the two sat down and had an actual mature conversation about that in which they stated they loved each other, but Sammi reasonably expressed that she was scared of what would happen if they got back together. (That makes ALL of us, Sammi) They agreed to keep being best friends (yay, water balloon wars!) until they were eventually healthy enough to continue as a couple (boo!!!)

Unfortunately, everything went to hell during a later trip to Karma.

The Situation saw a friend of his named Arvin, who claimed that Sammi had texted him the previous week and asked him to meet him there. Since the cast can’t have cell phones in the Seaside Heights house, it was deduced that Sammi had sent these texts when she had gone home after her gigantic, tearful blowup with Ronnie. Arvin also had the texts on his phone to prove it. (I’m assuming the incriminating texts had Sammi’s phone number on it, and weren’t just texts from someone named “Sammi.”)

The Situation wanted to let his “friend” Ronnie know, so he claimed that he was going through the proper channels when he told J-Woww (and eventually Pauly, Vinny, Snooki and Deena). And I’m sure that’s part of it. The other, bigger part is that the guy loves to stir up trouble.

Sammi was confronted and yelled out over and over again that Arvin was just a friend. (They didn’t seem like pals to me…more like a potential “buddy.”) Sammi saved most of her poison for The Situation for once again stirring up trouble.

Of course, the best part about this scenario is that when Sammi got busted doing something semi-shady, she ended up doing what Ronnie did so effectively…she attempted to deflect attention from her own misdeeds by shooting (hanging, stabbing, electrocuting) the messenger. In Ronnie’s case, he trashed “The Letter” authors Snooki and J-Woww. Sammi went after The Situation. I loved when she desperately tried to get (silent partner) J-Woww to back her up.

Of course, the real kicker is that Sammi didn’t do anything wrong! So what if she texted Arvin and asked him to meet her at Karma so that they could bang each other’s brains out? Sammi and Ronnie were broken up, so she’s free to text whoever she wants.

So stop lying about it!

So what’d you think of this episode? What kind of name is “Arvin”? (Not quite Alvin…not quite Marvin.) Was anyone else slightly disappointing that Vinny and Pauly didn’t actually make popcorn as they sat down to watch Ronnie and Sammi fight? Finally, what the hell kind of animal is a penguin anyway? Is it a mammal? (Of course not. It’s a bird. EVERYONE knows this. Except for Ronnie and Sammi.)