Glee: Talk Sex

“Too Much?”

I feel like Mr. Schue’s note to Holly Holliday in the middle of an intentionally over-the-top musical number accidentally summed this episode up.

Except that I’d replace the question mark with an exclamation point.

Here’s a quick rundown of the storylines covered during last night’s one-hour episode (which is actually closer to 45 minutes when you factor in commercials):

- Rachel and Quinn were the only two members in the Celibacy Club led by Emma. They were eventually joined by Puck, Lauren (possibly playing footsie), Santana, etc…
- Quinn and Finn got back together. (Can these two ever make out without leaving some sort of incriminating evidence on each other?)
- The Warblers became obsessed with trying to be sexy after Sue psyched out Blaine and Porcelain. (This just in: whenever you decide that you have to TRY to be sexy, it’s not going to work.)
- Blaine tried to school Kurt on the finer points of sexy.
- Kurt and Burt had “the talk.” (No, not THAT one.)
- Brittany and Artie had a pregnancy scare.
- Santana declared her love for Brittany.
- Emma and Carl revealed that they’re having issues in their sex life (namely that they don’t have one) AND possibly broke up.
- Lauren and Puck decided to make a sex tape until they’re informed that it would technically be kiddie porn.
- Mr. Schue appeared to hook up with Holly Holliday. (Will’s “I happen to be an excellent educator” when Holly said she needed to learn about romance made me throw up so much that I can still smell some vomit on my arm hair.)

Now I’m always complaining that the show doesn’t always fully take advantage of its talented young cast, but this ridiculously over-stuffed hour felt like five or six episodes jam-packed into one.

Even with all that going on, Gwyneth Paltrow (back after earning raves as Holly) still somehow managed to be in almost every scene. I was actually pleasantly surprised by how much I liked Paltrow on “Glee” the first time around. While she once again gave a very good performance, I found her to be a more intrusive presence this time around. I guess there was no way for me to be pleasantly surprised this time around. Paltrow’s scenes felt as forced as her repeated attempts at a music career.

“Sexy” was so all-over-the-place that even one of the episode’s best scenes felt completely off. Santana’s declaration of love to Brittany was played beautifully by an increasingly excellent Naya Rivera (and nicely underplayed by Heather Morris), but it was SO dramatic and SO sad that it felt like it belonged in another episode. (Or another show.) Instead of genuinely moving me, it just knocked me off balance in an ultimately unsatisfying way.

The one scene the episode DID get right was Burt talking to his son about sex for the first time. Burt went to a clinic and got Kurt pamphlets that dealt with the physical aspects of gay intercourse, but it was his words on the emotional side sex that really hit home. In the end, he told his son he should use sex “as a way to connect to another person.” He also advised Kurt to not throw himself around like it didn’t matter because his son DID matter. Excellent job by Mike O’Malley and Chris Colfer.

Still, am I the only one that wishes “Glee” would lighten up a little? Sure, the one-liners are still as sharp as ever, but the show has decided to tackle underage drinking and teenage sexuality in consecutive episodes. I actually really enjoyed “Blame in on the Alcohol”, but I hated this episode. Besides being overstuffed, the episode didn’t bring anything new or fresh to the issue of sexuality. On top of that, even though it’s not a choice I’ve personally made, I didn’t appreciate how the episode predictably made celibacy a punchline. It’s lazy.

Either way, it’d probably be better if “Glee” veered back toward being a musical comedy and away from an Afterschool Special tackling an “Issue of the Week.” What’s next? Drugs? I hope not…it already kind of seems like someone one drugs is putting this show together.

Speaking of which, let’s get to the particularly ambitious musical numbers:

Do You Wanna Touch Me…B: The vocals were firmly on the tinny side, but the fierce choregraphy and dancing from Paltrow, Rivera and Morris mostly made up for it in this intentionally silly number. The lesson, as always, is that every time you have sex, you have sex with every person your partner had sex with…and everyone has a “random.”

Animal…B-: I really liked this song, and I thought the acapella arrangement was very good. However, if the goal was for the Warblers to show that they were sexy, they failed. Darren Criss and Co. are naturally super smooth, so watching them “try” made them come off as dorky. Also, where’d they find an abandoned warehouse? Why did it turn into a foam party? I have so many questions!

Kiss…B+: A tango to Prince’s “Kiss”? I honestly thought it was going to be a disaster. However, the choreography was really good (I wish the editing wasn’t so frenetic on this show) and Matthew Morrison and Paltrow’s voices sounded really good together. (Morrison, in particular, is a generous duet partner.)

At the very least, it was better than this.

Landslide…C+: A pretty rendition of this song, but Santana (or Brittany) REALLY should’ve had the lead. This song was the best example of Paltrow being shoehorned into every storyline in this episode.

Afternoon Delight…D-: It was so short that it was basically a waste of time. It was also a complete waste of John Stamos. Finally, “Arrested Development” did the joke about the song not meaning what you think it means better and funnier years ago.

Other than that, I really liked it.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was there anything funnier last night than Rachel’s face when Brittany was explaining that she was pregnant because a stork had built a nest outside her window? What exactly did Sue put into her epic coffee? Who could say no to a night of “Sweet Valley High” and making out with Santana? Finally, who’s your “random”?