America's Next Top Recap: Motion Sickness

(Close-up of my mouth as my lips whisper) “Jooohhhnnn.”

No, this is not Tyra Banks making her “blogging debut.” I just had to get my homage to a certain destined-to-be cinematic masterpiece out of the way at the start.

I was pretty tough on “Top Model” last week after the pathetic go-see disaster. (I think Kayla somehow just walked up to the Versace fashion house again!)

However, I’m excited to report the show bounced back with two (hell three!) delicious scoops of crazy last night thanks, in no small part, to Tyra Banks’ directorial debut “Modelli Folli.” (That’s “Model Madness” to us crude Americans.)

But we’ll get to how I’ve never ever rooted harder for my DVR not to cut off the end of an episode a little later.

We’re down to the final four and the episode’s operative word was “personality.” Seriously, if you had taken a shot every time someone said or alluded to one of the model’s personalities last night, you’d be drunk enough to get “Modelli Folli.”

To that end, the girls briefly met with an acting coach who was there to help them emote, and I was left to wonder if there’s any way for anyone to do any sort of acting exercise without looking like an idiot. (Though that’s kind of the point.)

The girls were supposed to use their newly-acquired “skills” to wow Franca Sozzani, Vogue Italia’s editor-in-chief.

Kayla, riding high from two straight top photo wins, talked more about her pictures than herself and pretty much completely blew it. Chelsey came in and was the most engaging, talking about how she used to save up money to buy Vogue Italia in Idaho. Ann, who desperately tried to come out of her shell throughout the episode, was her usual shy self, while Jane was pretty stiff and forgettable.

The winner (by default) was Chelsey, though I did like that Sozzani conceded that some people (like Ann) are just shy, and that’s not the worst thing in the world. Also, a peppy/perky Ann would’ve been phony and no one wants to see that. What I didn’t like was the way ALT was talking to Sozzani from the doorway throughout their conversation. I get why he was hanging back while the contestants were in there, but why the hell wouldn’t he come closer when it was just him and Sozzani in the room? Did she reek or something?!

Chelsey’s reward was a private viewing of The Last Supper, and she brought Kayla along. The two also got to hang out a seven-star hotel. Ann and Jane, meanwhile, stayed home, had Chinese food, doodled a drawing of The Last Supper, and displayed more personality in about a minute or so than they have throughout the entire competition.

Pretty soon, we came to the episode’s main event. Instead of a photo shoot, Tyra would direct the girls in a “motion editorial”, which I’m pretty sure is something she just made up the same way she likes to make up words. (Hello, “smize.”)

While they were filming, none of the girls seemed to bomb, so it was hard to see who stood out. Even Chelsey (pictured, right), who seemed to get off to a rough start, bounced back and wound up being my favorite. She was giving me some Daryl Hannah in “Blade Runner” vibes, and her walk was so fierce that Tyra didn’t even wind up using anyone else’s in the final cut.

(What? Did you seriously think I would talk up “Modelli Folli” this much and NOT link to it? That thing even freaked out Fellini!)

You want to know what the weirdest thing about this entire episode? I’ve convinced myself that Tyra made it this bad ON PURPOSE. Wait, don’t leave…hear me out!

Whatever you think of her public persona, I think if we’re being reasonable, we can agree that the woman is not an idiot. Whether she’s crazy is up for debate, but I’d argue that her “craziness” is akin to that of a fox. More importantly, Tyra HAS worked with some of the world’s top fashion photographers and I’m sure she’s even been around some great filmmakers. If she ever really, SERIOUSLY tried to make a good film, do you really think it would wind up looking like a pretentious Calvin Klein ad from hell?

You just nodded didn’t you? Ok, moving on.

Since Chelsey did so well and Ann has been killing it most of the season, when Ann was called first as a finalist, pretty much all the suspense over which two girls would be going home was gone. Kayla seemed to lose steam (and confidence) in this episode, while Jane was just too stiff and robotic in some of her movements.

That being said, I’m actually really impressed with the finalists we have, and I also think this is the strongest final four in a while. (Out of the girls who were eliminated, I especially think Jane will do well.)

So what’d you think of this episode? How much does an issue of Vogue cost in Idaho? (From the way Chelsey was going on about it, I’d guess about $45.) What’s the most amount of stars a hotel in Italy can earn? (Seven out of seven? Seven out of 10? Seven out of 100?!) Finally, who ya got? Chelsey’s walk is a million times better — which is especially crucial for the season finale’s runway show — and I picked her to win from the beginning (honest!).

But it still has to be Ann, right?! The judges and designers she’s met over the course of the competition absolutely FAWN over her model bona-fides. Smart money’s on her.