Dancing with the Stars: Instant Hit

I’ve complained about the overabundance of gimmicks on this season of “Dancing with the Stars” in this very space. I’ve also theorized that the reason the show has trotted out more theme weeks than ever is to distract us from its mediocre crop of dancers.

When I found out about this week’s “Instant Dance” gimmick, I was NOT encouraged. In case you missed it, each of the remaining five couples danced a ballroom round as usual, but for their second performance, they’d be dancing a pre-determined Latin style to a song they picked out of a giant mirrorball.

I MAY have been more excited if “Instant” didn’t actually mean “about one hour of prep time later.” (But even I can’t kill them for that — the male celebs wouldn’t be able to do anything if they had to lead an impromptu routine.)

All that being said I was pleasantly surprised by two developments: 1.) The “Instant Dance” round yielded some of the season’s best performances. (Tom already made the joke about not telling the couples anything about next week’s performances.) 2.) This group of dancers (particularly the top 3) may not actually be THAT bad.

Enough intro-ing. Let’s talk about last night’s couples, in order of appearance:

Kyle Massey and Lacey: Lacey was really tough/screamy on Kyle in rehearsals, but he took it in stride, which made me wonder: does Kyle have the best attitude ever for a “Star” on this show? Discuss.) They were doing the Viennese waltz, which led to this exchange (and I’m paraphrasing) Lacey: “It’s fast.” Kyle: “Well, it’s Viennese.” All right then! I liked the routine, and (like Len) I felt like Kyle vastly improved his posture and foot work. I still thought his arm movements could’ve been a little smoother. I had the routine between an 8 and 9, so I’m not mad that he got straight 9s.

The only thing I remember about his rehearsal for his “Instant Jive” was professional Jackass Steve-O (and former partner of Lacey’s) walking in naked. (I believe a leaf blower was also involved.) Fortunately, Kyle’s fantastic, energetic, infectious (and slightly messy) jive took my mind off of that. He earned the two 10s he got just for his fast and furious side-by-side footwork with Lacey.

Jennifer Grey and Derek (pictured, left): The fact that Broadway legend Joel Grey (“Cabaret”, the “Chicago” revival) is Jennifer’s dad feels like something I should’ve known. You’re not going to believe this, but her balky knees came up again. I don’t have any doubt that she’s in pain, but the fact that it remains the focal point of almost every one of her rehearsal packages makes watching her dance a tense experience. And not in a fun way — it’s more like, “Oh my god, I hope her leg doesn’t fall off!” It’s especially vexing because her bad knee didn’t seem to be an issue at all in either of her routines last night. So it’s almost like I’m worrying for nothing!

Their quickstep was lively, breezy and delightful. Their Instant rumba was terrifically performed, but to me it felt a little like they were posing/stretching rather than dancing at times. I would’ve given her a 9, but I’m not going to begrudge Jennifer her perfect score, especially since my girlfriend Erica said “I wish I could have a body like that when I’m 50.” (My response: “You’re 27…you can!”)

Kurt Warner and Anna: I thought his waltz was his best dance of the season. And if you think that was a backhanded compliment, how about Carrie Ann calling him a “Ken doll for mature people.” (What she meant to say was that he is O.L.D.)

He pulled a “Hella Good” cha cha cha for his Instant Dance. His kids stopped by rehearsal and even they think he needs musicality. I especially enjoyed the Warner child who gave him a 7. Meanwhile, if his waltz was his best dance, then his Instant cha cha cha was his best performance. I would’ve liked to have seen one of the judges slip him a 9 yesterday, since there’s a pretty good chance he’s going home tonight.

Bristol Palin and Mark: We got another appearance from Bristol’s famous mom during her rehearsal this week. My burning question: is Sarah’s husband Todd allowed to talk, or did he simply not say anything interesting enough to air. Either way Bristol’s blank face actually kind of worked for the Argentine tango. (It was easy to believe that she was “kinda upset” if not passionate.) Still, as Carrie Ann pointed out, she needs more power in her legs and movements in general.

On the other hand, her Instant Dance was the closest thing to a disaster last night. She should’ve just stuck with the boob shimmy for the entirety of her samba, which, to be fair, probably WAS the toughest Latin dance a celeb could be assigned for an “Instant Dance.” Mark took the bullet for Bristol (and it DID look like he lost his way for a second), but I’d feel better about her prospects on this show if I believed that she gave a damn.

Brandy and Maks: Finally, Brandy is realizing her “DWTS winner” potential. It’s probably because she finally decided to zip it and just do what her pro told her, even when he was acting like a prick. Their first-round waltz was actually very beautiful and deserved a 30. (I know you’re trying to be helpful Carrie Ann…but NO ONE cares that her neck was a little stiff. Which it was.)

The fireworks REALLY came after Brandy and Maks’ frantic, messy, underwhelming Instant cha cha cha. Carrie Ann was slamming the couple for not dancing enough at the start of the routine, and Maks told Carrie Ann, “Relax, don’t worry about it.” Carrie Ann pointed out that even Kurt had more content in his cha cha cha than Brandy. (I enjoyed how that comment was also a sneaky insult to Kurt.) The whole thing got even more uncomfortable when Maks launched into a mini diatribe defending all the hard work the pros do, as Brandy looked on in horror.

After all that, they still got straight 9s. (The judges want to keep them at the top of the leader board, lest they get knocked off by Bristol’s voting bloc.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it really possible that Brandy has never heard of Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream”? Who will be crowned the “Best Worst Dancer” during tonight’s results show? (I might just have to break my rule of not watching stupid results shows to find out.) Finally, who’s going home? (I’m done betting against Bristol — so, I’ll go with Kurt.)