The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Review

It’s a LOT easier to make fun of the “Twilight” movies than it is to admit that you actually (kinda?) enjoy them.

I mean, where do you even start with the mockery? The hair (several characters fighting for the title of “Worst Wig”), the makeup (aren’t the Cullens supposed to be, at least somewhat, passing themselves off as human — not some sort of golden-eyed, Aryan super race), the special effects (sometimes the wolves look like they’re four feet tall and other times they look like they’re eight feet tall)?

And I haven’t even brought up secondary stuff like “writing” and “acting.”

Still, there’s an undeniably melodramatic/throwback quality that I find fascinating. The story and the style used in these movies remind me of the black and white flicks they used to show on AMC (before they started airing stuff like “Superman Returns”) when I was growing up. Yeah, I know those old movies were considered “classics”, but I still found some of the acting to be hilariously bad and made fun of it. Whether it was actually bad or not, that’s just how most movies WERE back then.

And that’s how the “Twilight” movies are now — except that all the old-timey acting and storytelling is happening in 2010 and in a contemporary setting.

I’m not going to dive too much into the great debates surrounding the “Twilight” series. (Such as, is Edward super-romantic or a creepy stalker who watches you while you sleep? Is Bella a whiny, wishy-washy protagonist or does the fact that she has two guys fighting over her and actual battles waged to defend her mean that she has all the power.) I haven’t read any of the books, so just I don’t have enough knowledge of the story to intelligently argue the point either way.

Instead, how about I just talk about “Eclipse”?

The third movie in the “Twilight” saga finds the vampiric Cullens forming an uneasy alliance with their wolf pack natural enemies to protect Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) from the vampire Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard taking over for Rachelle Lefevre), and her newly-created Army of newborns.

This also marks the breaking point for the Bella, Edward (Robert Pattinson), Jacob (Taylor Lautner) love triangle. But we’ll get to them in a bit.

First, I want to talk about some of the supporting cast, which can really make or break a would-be summer blockbuster. The one in “Eclipse” mostly shined (or sparkled).

I found it thoroughly amusing that Billy Burke always looked like he just rolled out of bed prior to any scene featuring him as Bella’s beleaguered father Charlie. Xavier Samuel was a fine, menacing addition as Riley, the leader of the newborn army. Bryce Dallas Howard, um, didn’t totally blow it stepping into Lefevre’s role, so that’s good. And, finally, it’s always fantastic to watch Dakota Fanning dominate people with her mind.

Arguably, the greatest improvement came from the expansion of the Cullen clan. Ashley Greene’s impish enthusiasm as Alice is always welcome and Kellan Lutz as Emmett got in his usual funny, flirty lines to Bella. However, we got honest-to-goodness back story on Jasper and Rosalie (but why not Emmet, Alice or Esme?).

Jackson Rathbone, in particular, stood out for more than his magnificently floppy hair for the first time in the movie series as Jasper. Turns out he’s kind of a badass.

Jasper trains the Cullens and the wolves for the climactic battle (which actually ends up being way too one-sided for my taste), and director David Slade (“30 Days of Night”) handles the action relatively well. (Except maybe for the part where vampires basically turn out to be ice sculptures.)

Of course, the main action for most fans involves the story’s heroine Bella, and the guys who angrily get in each other’s faces over her. In a related story, Bella is my ABSOLUTE least favorite thing about this franchise!

I don’t even know if I can slam Kristen Stewart’s acting because “Twilight” author Stephenie Meyer is quite involved with the movies, so I’m assuming she approves of this characterization. Still, having the hero of your story be weakly and ineffectually pout her way from one suitor to another is definitely not doing the actress any favors. Congratulations, Bella Swan — you’ve replaced Carrie Bradshaw as the Summer Movie Protagonist I Most Want To Throw My Shoe At.

How about those suitors though? Pattinson has a dashing air about him that mostly negates Edward Cullen’s more creepy tendencies. He also gets to be kinda funny (on purpose!) in this movie. (Like when he asked if Jacob owned a shirt.)

Speaking of Jacob, I have to applaud Lautner for being the one out of the three main cast members who actually appears to be enjoying himself. (“I AM hotter than you.”) The only problem is that, in “Eclipse”, Jacob has turned into an overly cocky, pushy (“I’m gonna fight for you until your heart stops beating.” Um, that’s sweet?) turbo-douche. It also doesn’t help that Jacob was simply never established as a viable suitor for Bella — she’s all about Edward.

Look, these movies are nowhere near perfect. However, instead of focusing on everything that’s wrong, I’d rather shine the light on the fact that it’s the most entertaining entry in the series. (Insert your own joke about how that’s like Danny DeVito bragging that he’s taller than Verne Troyer.)

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse…B-