America's Next Top Recap: Are You A Mused?

To be honest, last night was the first time Jenah (pictured, right) really stood out for me in any way — other than the hideous blonde weave she's been sporting since makeover week.

Not only did she deliver the best-reviewed photo of the evening, but she even had a funny little moment, as she fake-gagged over Ambreal punctuating her little muse speech with a wink. That WAS a bit much, as was her bouncing along down the runway — that girl just can't win. I just wish Jenah didn't look so meh (or sometimes just plain bad) when she's not all dolled up for a challenge or photo shoot.

I should explain. The models were told by "America's Next Top Recap" favorite Benny Ninja that they were to be muses for a group of design students for the week's runway challenge. This led to several amusing exchanges between the designers and the ladies. My favorite was Bianca openly hating her young Asian partner's ideas as she explained in broken English that she wanted her to be a Cleopatra. Also, Heather is really tall, according to her partner, and Lisa was supposed to be arriving at a party late or something.

Although it seemed like we were in for more bitchiness from Bianca, the editing actually toned down her act considerably this week. We actually saw her try to comfort Heather after the latter's disastrous performance in the runway show, which included a representative from Elite Model Management and a photo spread, I mean, the editor from Seventeen magazine.

Despite the fact that Heather (who'll probably still be next week's "Cover Girl of the Week") has taken fantastic photos lately, public speaking turns out to not be her forte. If you can count walking 20 feet, saying one or two sentences of nonsense about being an inspiration, turning around and walking back "public speaking". Other than Saleisha's winning performance, my favorite parts were Benny Ninja asking her what was wrong when she got backstage? (what do you think, Benny?!) and Heather, frustratingly saying she couldn't relate to her dress because it was inspired by the ocean and she's a "fire sign." At least she can take comfort in that Lisa was much worse.

Did someone say fire? (look at that transition — no wonder they pay me to write). After Mr. Jay emerged from the middle of the desert (turned out there was a trailer hidden away somewhere), he informed the girls that the week's photo shoot would involve them acting like they were stranded in the middle of nowhere next to a burning car (can we say "random"?!)

As mentioned before, Jenah rocked the house, but I think I actually liked Bianca's less-gimmicky shot a bit better. My least favorites were turned in by Ambreal (no surprise there), and Chantal which, again, the judge's fawned over, but I thought it was a really unflattering angle (up-your-nose-cam). It's not even because I don't like Chantal — I feel like I can say objectively that she's just not very good.

Highlights during judging included a Chinese lion popping out of nowhere, giving Tyra the opportunity to announce to the girls they'd be heading to China next week. Two reasons this was hilarious: 1. Twiggy trying to play along by asking in a wooden tone "what is it Tyra?" 2. Tyra acting like she was talking to it.

In the end, it came down to Ambreal and Lisa and I can hardly remember a more obvious outcome as Ambreal was eliminated (again!). No Chinese food for her. Unless she orders take-out.

So what'd you think of this episode? Seriously, what the hell was Benny Ninja wearing? Is Jenah the new frontrunner following Heather's meltdown and the upcoming Cover Girl commercial shoot (which is NOT going to be neither easy, breezy, nor beautiful for Heather)? Is there anyone dumber than Chantal? Do people in China eat Chinese food? If so, do they call it that? Finally, I know I asked what purpose Twiggy serves, but what's the point of Miss J? Get them both out!

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Holy Crap!

Ok, so that was the most disgusting opening for a TV show I've ever seen. Actually, it's probably the most disgusting thing I've seen on TV all year. It could also be the most disgusting thing I've seen this year period. If it's not the most disgusting thing I've seen in any year, then my mind has subconsciously blacked out whatever that revolting so I wouldn't remember.

We'll just go with top 10 most disgusting thing ever. (Ooh, I smell a column).

Actually, I smell diarrhea after Kate let loose all over Sean's hot tub while they were in there together. Ok, so I didn't smell it (thank god), but I did see it and I wish I hadn't. Apparently, Kate (pictured, left), the "Hearts 'N Scalpels" actress with body issues, was on laxatives after binge-eating to match her co-star. When she and Sean first hooked up, I thought it was kinda sweet, but now it's looking like this chick has way too many issues.

Of course, Sean, being the noble one, will likely stick it out for a few more weeks. As for me, I can only give kudos to actress Paula Marshall. I don't like to throw the word "brave" around when it comes to actors because it's not like they're running into a burning building, but I'll just say that I'm not 100% sure I would've agreed to star in that craptastic scene.

Meanwhile, Sean was distracted by Eden (as in "Garden of" — who talks like that?) who wanted a surgery to restore her hymen, which she claimed was broken during a bumpy horse ride. Apparently, the girl was telling the truth after her mom (surprise, Olivia, Julia's girlfriend) confirmed the story. It was fun watching Sean be tempted (because Dylan Walsh plays being flustered so well), but I wonder if this was a one-episode thing (since Julia, Olivia and family appear headed back to New York) or if they plan to keep this up (if so, how?)

Although the episode was titled "Everett Poe", we only got one brief, amusing scene with the plastic surgery addict and Christian. Would've liked to see that followed through some more. Instead, we got Christian trying to sleep with Julia for the umpteenth time (though he actually succeeded for a change). Unfortunately for him, it turned out the whole thing was Olivia's idea to "get KRIS-tee-ehn (as Julia would say) out of her system.

Later in the evening, Christian wound up in a bar playing male escort to a lonely older woman for no good reason. This sequence was so confusing that I actually caught the rerun of the episode right after the show first aired to see if I missed something. Nope.

Finally, we had the return of Matt with his creepy eyebrows. He claimed that he took the baby from Kimber because she had given all their money away to Scientology. Although he seemed genuine, I didn't exactly buy it and felt a twist coming. I didn't see the twist coming — turns out Matt and Kimber have become drug addicts hitting up Matt's two dads for cash. In case you didn't get it, the show hit you over the head with it by using Amy Winehouse's "Rehab."

Although I'm interested to find out how that happened (since Kimber was living so healthy last year) and how Sean and Christian will react, I'm a little leery of the show becoming once again refocusing on Matt, Kimber and Julia, after such a good Sean-and-Christian centered premiere.

So what'd you think of this episode? You looking forward to seeing Rosie O'Donnell back on the show next week? (I am!) Is Julia really gay or just bi-curious, as Liz claimed? (Methinks Liz is right) Finally, what do you think they used to simulate the you-know-what in the hot tub?

Dancing with the Stars: Helio Carreys On

How much do I enjoy Mel and Maks? I actually considered voting last night. And I never vote, partly because I want to maintain the integrity of this column, and partly because I'm too lazy. Ok, so only the latter is true.

In fact, the only person who seems to enjoy Mel and Maks more than I do is Maks, who, for the first time in his many season on the show, appears to have having a blast when he dances. Ok, maybe you can add host Tom Bergeron to that list, who is now getting a customary ass grab from Mel and Maks after their judges' comments.

Anyway, Maksim's choreography is showing how much he's enjoying himself this year. Just look at their playful mambo (which Carrie Ann prevented from getting a perfect 30 for no good reason — just 'cause) where he did several steps the follow usually does, and was an improvement over his fun tango, which was mostly overshadowed by the weirdness of doing a tango to Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus."

As good as Maks has become, the Houghs are still my favorite choreographer. Julianne got the upper hand last night, first whipping up some cape-y fun during their paso doble (though not the same magic as her dance with Apolo last year) and later putting together an exciting and intricate quickstep inspired by the "Hey Pachuco" sequence in "The Mask." Though Mel's mamba may have been a better executed dance, Helio and Julianne (pictured, right) get the edge by putting really putting an exclamation point in the evening with the kiss at the end, which I'm sure was planned, so Julianne's "surprised reaction" was part of the plan). If only they could've gotten her shoes to pop off the way Cameron Diaz's did.

In fact, the judges kept reminding us that, at this stage in the competition, they expect the competitors to step up and wow them. I expect the same thing. Helio did that last night. Jennie Garth seems incapable of doing that. I mean, if a visit from Richard Simmons can't pump you up, I don't know what can. Seriously though, her jive WAS a little slouchy, and there were a couple of mistakes, while their fox trot was an improvement, but not "wow" worthy, according to Bruno, who's pretty easy to wow. In fact, I expect Jennie to be going home Tuesday night.

That means, that, yes, I expect Marie Osmond with her fainting and her death in the family to be able to garner enough viewer votes to stick around a bit longer, even though she's not physically capable of keeping up with the rest of the competition. With Jane gone, that fact became more glaring last during a sluggish rumba and a country-themed jive that had the judges comparing her to Sara Evans — which is not a compliment for this show.

I also think that Cameron Mathison and the millions (or thousands or dozens) of women who want to see him waltz to "Hedwig's Theme" from Harry Potter or "cha cha" in tight beige pants will get their wish. His waltz was very solid, though Len wasn't so impressed by his tielessness and waxed chest, but his cha cha WAS considerably robotic. Also, I've learned beige looks good on no one.

So what'd you think of this week's episode? Why haven't we seen more of Mel B's husband Stephen (who's lots of fun) while we've been getting WAY too much Donny Osmond? What would it take for the judges to give someone anything lower than 8 in the last few weeks (do they even have 6s or 7s back in that table)? Finally, let's be honest: how awesome was it that the show whipped out "Hedwig's Theme"?! Favorite. Musical Choice. Ever.

Heroes: Past Imperfect

I was encouraged when I saw the title of last night's episode, "Four Months Ago." I figured the hour would fill in a lot of the blanks that made the first part of the season (what's the word I'm looking for?) sucky.

It got off to a promising enough start as we actually got to see Nathan flying Peter into the air as he was about to explode, resulting in a very cool special effect, and Peter dropping a still-alive, but very-badly burned Nathan at the hospital. I'm assuming all the money spent on that cool flying sequence was the reason they could never show us any of the battles in feudal Japan, or barely any hero-on-hero fight sequences in this show.

Unfortunately, things went downhill from there. Kristen Bell (pictured, left) showed up again as the electro-charged Elle — and she was terrible. There's just no way around it. Last time we saw her, we only got a small, but annoying dose of Bell's impression of what a sociopathic badass should act like. Last night, whenever she appeared on screen, my brother and I would audibly groan. I guess this is what you get when bad writing/directing happens to good actors. I'm convinced her biggest contribution to the episode was giving Peter his haircut.

The other person getting ample screen time was "Bob" the company man, who has a knack for appearing out of nowhere and recruiting heroes to his facility (first Peter, then Nikki). He tried to convince them to come into his facility and work for him, but while Nikki refused, believing she could control Jessica, Peter fell for his pitch about curing away his power because it had nearly killed Nathan.

It wasn't before long (with a little help from Adam/Kensei) that Peter realized he was being kept as a prisoner. Their neighboring-cell, jailhouse interactions were a little "V for Vendetta"-ish, which is fine. The big problem I had was why, if Adam is as dangerous as Bob has built him up to be all this time, would he, not only put Peter in a cell right next to him, but put him in a cell right next to him with a convenient vent so they could talk. Also, for such a dangerous hero, it seemed incredibly easy to escape that facility. Who knows? Maybe Bob wanted Peter and Adam to hook for some reason. Eventually, they got split up when chased by Elle and the Haitian, and Peter ended up in that crate to Ireland after a quick memory wipe from the Haitian.

So that was how Peter and Adam got together. We also saw why Nathan grew the "Anchorman" beard. It seems that it's his mom's fault (shocker!) that his family deserted him after she fed his wife Heidi (who I forgot can walk now) some story about Nathan having delusions of grandeur. The way the camera kept focusing on the way Angela kept rubbing Heidi's shoulder and hair makes me think that she was working some sort of power of persuasion on her (ala Season 1's Eden). Or Angela could be gay.

At the beginning of the episode, we also learned that D.L. didn't die from his injuries in the Kirby Plaza showdown. So we all figured that eventually Jessica came back and did the deed, right? While I admire the show for trying to take a left turn and not having Nikki (or Jessica, or Gina, who was introduced last night) be the one to kill D.L., the way his death was handled was unbelievably bad. So D.L. has time to react and let a punch phase through him, but not a gun shot, even though the guy walked right up to him and shot him? I don't buy it. And while I liked the idea of him becoming a firefighter (a real-life hero), I didn't think they hired ex-cons who'd been in prison just months earlier. It's just a crappy way of killing that character. I didn't think I enjoyed the D.L. character as much as I did until I saw Leonard Roberts in the past two episodes and realized how much I missed him.

Two people I wouldn't miss if you were gone — you guessed it, Alejandro and Maya. We also finally saw their origins as, during Alejandro's wedding, Maya got upset, cried black tears and everyone died. And then they ran away. How exactly is this different from every other episode with them in it?

So what'd you think of this episode? I didn't think it was nearly as good as last year's "Six Months Ago", which showed why Nathan resented his power after the accident and introduced Zachary Quinto as Sylar.

In fact, the stuff that this episode didn't address was more glaring to me than the stuff it did. Why didn't they show how Candice/Michelle was able to apprehend Sylar and take him back to wherever the hell they were? Also, why didn't they show us the exact moment when Parkman and Mohinder went gay for each other? Finally, how many times could YOU compare Nathan to a Will Ferrell character in one column?

Desperate Housewives: Mayor Concern

Last night was a decent, but not great episode of "Desperate Housewives" that was carried by its better actors — and completely bogged down by its weaker ones.

Let's get the bad stuff out of the way first. I like that they're at least trying to explain away why Mike has been such a moody jerk lately. I also get that James Denton is hot, and probably wasn't hired because of his acting chops. So the fact that he actually had to perform (or be carried by Teri Hatcher) in a key dramatic scene after she figured out he'd been lying to her about his apparent drug addiction was painful. It was painful for me to watch, and probably painful for him to act in. I bet he kept asking the director "can't I just take off my shirt?"

This dude's acting is more wooden than one of the pieces of board he works on as a carpenter. Yes, I realize Mike is actually a plumber, but he just seems more like a carpenter to me. And apparently Susan REALLY forgot that Mike was a plumber too because it was fairly obvious that he would go back and easily retrieve the pills he dumped down the drain. The whole thing could've been salvaged if, when Susan asked him if living with her was so horrible that he had to take drugs, Mike had burst out "Yes!" (because Susan is kind of a pain) Then again, that would've been interesting — not a word usually associated with Mike.

Fortunately, we had Marcia Cross to save the day. I loved Bree secretly trying to give her baby (actually her grandbaby) Benjamin a circumcision against the wishes of Orson, who delivered a memorable and creepy speech about his own when he was 5. Great dinner conversation there, Orson. Anyway, the only thing funnier than Bree eventually pretending to be Jewish to get the job done was Orson anticipating his wife going behind his back and writing a letter (who still writes letters? Orson does!) to each hospital in the two neighboring states forbidding them from performing the procedure. I like how good of a twisted match these two are, and I like it when Kyle McLachlan gets something to do.

Though Dana Delaney only got minimum screentime this week, she used every last inch of it beautifully. First, she played the scene where Dylan told her that she's no longer afraid of her with the perfect mix of disbelief and horror. Later, she convincingly bluffed giving Dylan her father's contact information, when all she was giving her was a blank piece of paper. She convinced me, though I should've known better. Then again, I'm not very smart.

The third MVP was Felicity Huffman with a nice assist from Polly Bergen as her mom Stella, who no one seemed to want to take home. Although, Stella and her one night Stan shattered the record of "ewwws" in a scene, and she wasn't exactly the perfect mom growing up, I felt bad for her as Lynette and her two sisters argued about who had to take her in as she listened outside. The moment where Lynette realizes she's the only one that cares for her was almost as nicely played as Bergen's silent realization that none of her daughters can stand her. So, she hopped a cab and left town.

Finally, there was the Gaby, Victor, Carlos saga. Victor knew about Gaby's affair and insisted they go out on his boat together. I think that, like Gabby, we were meant to believe that he was going to kill her, the fact that John Slattery (pictured, right) was playing his scenes so overtly evil and creepy the entire time pretty much guaranteed that wasn't going to happen. Still, Gabby didn't take any chances, "Talented Mr. Ripley-ed" him (those oars are heavy, so those workouts of hers must really work) not just once, but a second time after Carlos insisted they go back and retrieve him. I'm wouldn't be surprised if they used the exact same footage of Victor going over for both scenes.

So what'd you think of this episode? Did you miss Bob and Lee (and their special brand of bitchiness) this week? Do you think we'll see Lynette's mom back any time soon? Finally, is Victor really dead?

American Gangster review

"American Gangster" is one of the best movies of the year. That being said, while I liked the movie a LOT, I didn't love it.

It's certainly not the fault of Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe or director Ridley Scott, who are all in top form.

The film tells the story of Frank Lucas (Washington), who in the 1970's built a major heroin empire in Harlem. We also get the story of Richie Roberts, the New Jersey cop trying to bring him down.

In fact, for most of the movies 157 minutes, it's almost like we're watching two separate, but equally interesting movies, with Denzel starring in the story of a man building a drug empire and Russell Crowe starring in a 70's style movie about an honest cop dealing with his corrupt colleagues.

Kudos to the director for making each of these segments equally compelling, but Crowe deserves special mention for making his half of the story more interesting. All of the long, tedious police work Roberts has to do could've been a major snooze if it had been handled by a different actor.

Since their last collaboration was nothing to write home about, it's great to see Washington and Crowe in the same film and even better when they eventually come face to face. I already talked about Crowe, but Washington is also fantastic and Oscar-worthy as Lucas. The way he plays Lucas, in control of his body, words and everything else, makes his surprising eruptions of violence effective, believable and scary. He even makes the phrase "my man" mean about 5 different things.

Unfortunately, that means that, with few exceptions, there isn't that much to do for the rest of the incredibly talented cast, which is filled with people you've seen in other movies. Among the standouts are the great Chiwetel Ejiofor ("Inside Man") as one of Lucas' brothers, Josh Brolin (who ALWAYS just looks sleazy) as a, you guessed it, sleazy New York cop, Yul Vazquez, as Richie's partner, and Clarence Williams III, making a strong impression early on as Lucas' mentor.

Mostly though, the fine cast doesn't have very much to do and only get a scene or two to make an impression. Cuba Gooding Jr. was good as the flashier drug boss Nicky Barnes, but only got one scene to shine. Ditto for Ruby Dee as Lucas' mom. Speaking of mom, my mom shined when, after one character shot a dog in cold blood, she said "Ok, Michael Vick." But I digress.

Also, as is the case for many of these tough guy films, the women don't get very much to do. Dee does what she can with her limited screen time, and Carla Gugino as Richie's wife gets one good scene, but other than that, women are a non-entity, which is especially disappointing in the case of Frank's wife Eva (Lymari Nadal), Ms. Puerto Rico. I mean, I know the story's about Frank and Richie, but give her SOMETHING to do. I mean, I know the character's supposed to be kind of a wet blanket, but even Michelle Pfeiffer had something to do in "Scarface", as did Diane Keaton in "The Godfather" movies.

That's the thing about this movie. It kinda felt like it was trying to be the next "Scarface" or "Godfather" instead of just naturally becoming that over time. I mean, that's a great goal to have, but in the end, the strain to be that sorta showed. Still, this is one of the best movies of the year, and I think we'll probably be hearing from it come awards time.

American Gangster...A-

Bee Movie Review

Mostly I was just glad not to have to sit through those annoying "Bee Movie TV Juniors."

If you watch pretty much any show on NBC, you know what I'm talking about and you were probably irritated by the relentless promotion for this movie (which was especially disappointing after a clever, live-action early teaser).

Anyway, "Bee Movie" finally came out, and, while it won't be joining the pantheon of great animated movies, it was cute.

Jerry Seinfeld stars as Barry B. Benson, a worker bee just graduating from bee college and about to start his job at the beehive, though he's not nearly as enthusiastic as his friend Adam (Matthew Broderick). Like most main characters in animated movies, Barry is unwilling to settle for the redundant existence waiting for him and dreams of venturing out of the hive.

I don't think it's a major spoiler to say he does, eventually meeting an impossibly friendly human florist (Renee Zellwegger) named Vanessa Bloome.

To me, the movie started out a little slowly, though the movie DID have plenty of clever sight gags related to the bee's lives. However, once Barry meets Vanessa and finds out humans have been "stealing" the bee's honey and making money off of their hard work, things really get going.

Personally, I wasn't ready for how relentlessly silly the movie was going to be. The movie's version of the world was amusing to me in how everyone was surprisingly okay with interacting with a bee. On the other hand, the lightly implied chaste romance between Barry and Vanessa was a little too weird, even for me.

Most of the vocal performances were strong. Obviously, Seinfeld gets most of the screen time and he's a likable presence most of the time. Sometimes though, his whiny Seinfeldian rants got irritating in a way they never did on his sitcom because he had bigger personalities like George, Elaine and Kramer (Michael Richards makes a voice cameo, pre-racist rant I'm assuming) to bounce off of. Also, sometimes it would seem like the movie would stop, and we'd be watching a classic Seinfeld "bit".

Pretty much everyone else was rock solid. Zellwegger made for the perfect, likeable female lead, Seinfeld-favorite Patrick Warburton was great (as usual) as Vanessa's psychotic boyfriend, and Chris Rock made the most of his screen time as a mosquito. Also, Sting and Ray Liotta drop in as themselves in pretty funny bits. (The hilarious Liotta bit was actually my favorite part.)

I also liked that, although the movie extols the virtues of individual choice, it also makes the point that sometimes people (or bees) have a job (no matter how unglamorous) that just needs to be done.

Bee Movie...Bee, I mean, B (sorry, couldn't resist).

NFL Week 10 Picks

Apparently, even though the Patriots have the weekend off, the NFL is stubbornly going ahead and scheduling other games. After a good week picking results last time (10-4 overall, 76-44 overall), I'm going to give you my thoughts on these inferior teams.

CLEVELAND @ PITTSBURGH
I like this Cleveland Browns teams a lot, and I've single-handedly motivated Romeo Crennel to become a strong candidate for coach of the year after repeatedly saying he would be the first coach fired. Still, I don't like them enough to beat the Steelers, who beat the Browns so badly in Week 1, they immediately traded away their starting QB.

PHILADELPHIA @ WASHINGTON
Since Philly is officially done and players are blaming each other and the coaching staff, I'm going with the 'Skins, who haven't exactly looked so hot themselves lately — except for tight end (and I DO mean TIGHT END) Chris Cooley.

ATLANTA @ CAROLINA
Two more semi-pathetic teams, but there's no way I'm picking Atlanta two weeks in a row, so I'm going with Carolina, who is wisely starting mine and Erica's boy Vinny Testaverde.

ST. LOUIS @ NEW ORLEANS
New Orleans is officially back (and as a Bucs fan in the same division I'm terrified of them) and the Rams still stink until further notice.

BUFFALO @ MIAMI
Don't look now, but Buffalo is two last-second field goals away from being 6-2 (yes, the Buffalo Bills!) Meanwhile, Miami is about 97 plays away from being 3-5.

DENVER @ KANSAS CITY
Seems like every time I pick the Chiefs, they lose, but I can't pass them up at home against an increasingly pathetic Broncos team (allowing 44 points to the Lions?) with a hobbled Jay Cutler and a hurt/about to be suspended starting running back. That sound you hear is Jake Plummer laughing his ass off.

JACKSONVILLE @ TENNESSEE
Tennessee just might be the most boring, unspectacular 6-2 team we've seen in a while (and they have Vince Young!), and they'll keep it going against equally boring, unspectacular Jacksonville, who'll shut down the Jags running attack.

MINNESOTA @ GREEN BAY
I'm done underestimating the Packers. Although it's tempting to pick the Vikes and Adrian Peterson, it's not like he's going to surpass what he did last week and rush for MORE than 296 yards this week. Right?

CINCINNATI @ BALTIMORE
Both of these teams are so sorry for such different reasons (Cincy's D, Baltimore's O) that I truly have no idea here. I'll go with the Bengals because I need Carson Palmer (my fantasy QB) to have a good game. He'll have suspended wide receiver Chris Henry (who I also picked up for my fantasy team) in the lineup for the first time this season. Oh wait, Henry apparently got into an altercation with a parking attendant. Dammit all. Also, why am I surprised?

DALLAS @ NY GIANTS
Again, I'd love to pick against the Cowboys, but it is now the start of the second half of the season, and I'll just sit back and watch the Giants go in the toilet. Also, they're playing a real team for the first time in close to two months.

DETROIT @ ARIZONA
Two perpetually pathetic franchises. One seems to be rising about their historical ineptitude, and the other is the Arizona Cardinals (who, at 3-5, are only one game off the lead in their pathetic division).

CHICAGO @ OAKLAND
I actually am not 100% convinced Chicago's done. Just like 98% convinced. They'll stop that number from going to 100 with a win in Oakland.

INDIANAPOLIS @ SAN DIEGO
The game of the week. Indianapolis played great against the Pats, while San Diego allowed 296 rushing yards to a rookie. That's just not something you do, if you consider yourself a real playoff contender. Or a team filled with professionals who get paid to play football.

SAN FRANCISCO @ SEATTLE
I alluded to the pathetic NFC West before, and I'm just assuming this matchup looked a lot more exciting at the beginning of the season than it does now. Since, I HAVE to pick, I'll go with Seattle to continue to contribute to San Francisco's incredibly depressing (for me too, since Frank Gore was my 1 fantasy pick) season.

America's Next Top Recap: Plus a Minus

Last night's episode of "Top Model" (the best in this cycle) was so entertaining, I didn't even mind the fact that my pick to win it all got (unfairly) sent home.

Before I get to that, I want to get to this — Heather is the clearest front-runner in anything I've seen in a long time (yes, even more so than the New England Patriots). I mean, at this point, who, in this mostly unremarkable pack of girls can take her down? Anyone at all?!

As if to show us how mostly unremarkable these girls are, Tyra had them outfitted in hideous beige leotards which (as Erica astutely pointed out) ended up making Tyra look even more like the superduper star she is in comparison to these girls. Tyra was there to teach the girls how to move like a model, including moves they'd use when they're not on the runway, such as the non-hoochie wall slide, and crawling on the ground ("like you're cleaning the floor"). Hokay.

Some of the girls did ok (I expected Lisa to do a little better, since she's a stripper, er, bikini dancer), but it was Heather who received praise from Tyra for her floor-cleaning skills, much to the chagrin of Bianca, who got her bitch back on big time last night. I actually did the scientific research, and Bianca spent 92% of her airtime last night hating on Heather. I don't know why I'm surprised.

Bianca's always been a bitch toward the front-runner (first Lisa, now Heather), but it's slightly disappointing, seeing as how I'd almost warmed to her since she got her stupid pink hair chopped off, and she'll likely be around for many more weeks to complain, since she's the third-best girl in the competition after Heather and Lisa.

For the second week in a row (or I should say second new episode, since last week we got one of those annoying recap episodes I never see coming), we got some genuine star power as the girls' challenge was to appear in a vampire-riffic Enrique Iglesias video (a lamer version of which was shot sans "Top Model" contestants to keep the show's results up to that point a secret). When the goth theme was revealed, there was no doubt Heather would receive the featured role (which she did), leading Bianca to punch a wall (they obviously edited that part out).

During the shoot, Heather passed out from exhaustion (thought he slow-mo camerawork probably made it look more exciting than it was). Wait, we have breaking news — apparently, a model-wannabe was not eating properly (or eating at all)! Seriously though, it was nice to see the rest of the girls show genuine concern for their fellow competitor — except, of course, for Bitchanca who remarked that the competition was "too tough" for Heather.

For the most part, the girls performed well in the video. I was especially impressed by Heather (flirting very convincingly with Enrique in her featured role), Lisa (fiercely blocking his way with her long leg) and Saleisha (outshining Sarah in their shared shot). My least favorite was Chantal, who Erica correctly pointed out is SO middle-of-the-pack, but who I just think is completely lousy. Also, Bianca made a lot of kissy faces, Jenah smiled too much, Ambreal was accused for looking to hoochie as she writhed against a column (not sure how she could've avoided that trap) and Sarah looked uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, I loved how Enrique's role in the video appeared to be to aimlessly wander from one place in the underground club to another with a blank look on his face.

In the end, it was no shocker that Sarah got sent home, as the editing of tonight's episode focused on her concern's about her disappearing weight (I guess SHE wasn't the one eating Heather's food) and where that would leave her as a "plus-size" model. Well, according to the judges, that left her as a nobody who took decent, but not outstanding pictures, which just sends a great message to young women out there. What's that message, you say? I'll let Jack Donaghy (pictured, right) of 30 Rock (in the season 2 premiere) break it down for you:

"She needs to lose 30lbs or gain 60. Anything in between has no place on television."

So what'd you think of this episode? Is there ANY way Heather can lose (assuming she doesn't die from starvation)? Did you like how they basically chose the main girl for the video based on how they looked in their ultra-skimpy outfit, as opposed to, you know, having them DO something? Finally, what do you think Mr. Jay did during his week off?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Julia is back - Ugh

Everything was going along so well (well, after one episode at least), and then Julia had to show up.

I'm not pinning the fact that last night's Nip/Tuck was underwhelming on the shoulders of Joely Richardson (who had quit the show to spend time with her family last year, but now everything is apparently ok because she's back — good for her), but it's probably not completely a coincidence the show took a step back when she returned.

This one picked up right where we left off last week with Sean becoming the breakout star of "Hearts 'N Scalpels" and Christian being bitterly jealous.

I loved the fake scene on the show with Bradley Cooper's Aidan Stone, looking for a makeshift tourniquet ("Goddammit, it's casual Friday!") and ripping off his scrubs instead. I was also amused by the fake Marilyn Monroe in Christian's office (they ARE in Hollywood now after all) looking for a breast augmentation.

Still, there are a couple of things I'm not completely buying. I get that "Hearts" is supposed to be a "Grey's Anatomy"-type phenomenon ("Grey's" got a shout out last night after an awards ceremony), but I'm not completely buying that Sean, who's basically a glorified extra with maybe two or three lines each week, is the huge star they're making him out to be. I get that the storyline to make Sean have everything and Christian suffer for a bit (and I like seeing Sean happy), but it's a bit unrealistic.

I also didn't understand Christian's reaction. After being shut down by Fiona for having leaked Carly Summers' face lift, his response to get back at Sean was — to pose for Playgirl?! (I didn't even know that mag was still around) The stuff leading up to the photoshoot (I thought I was the only one that did nude push ups — and that's probably more than you wanted to know about me, but no one reads this, so whatever) and the shoot itself (leopard print underwear and Christian's inability to perform) were fine, the whole storyline was flawed because it didn't make that much sense.

In the end, all Christian managed to do was attract a gay clientele (in some funny segments), which Fiona told him would benefit the business. On the other hand, I AM enjoying Lauren Hutton as Fiona, and I'm setting the over-under at 1 1/2 weeks before Christian sleeps with her — and I'm taking the under.

Since the Playgirl shoot didn't work, Christian resorted to being Christian and sleeping with Kate, Sean's love interest/co-star, who he seemed to genuinely like and who had to have a bunch of skin removed as a result of a gastric bypass surgery she'd previously. I'm glad they seem to have resolved this little triangle within one episode after Christian backed off instead of dragging this out. Still, I'd much rather see Sean involved with Mistress Dark Pain (a relationship they teased in the season premiere) than the slightly lame Kate.

Speaking of slightly lame, Julia is back and gayer than ever. And apparently, she's into women that are hotter, younger versions of her (Portia di Rossi, pictured, left, with Richardson). I don't really understand where the writers are going with this, but I'm going to be patient, because I'm sure Portia di Rossi will have some sort of dark secret — and because she's pretty good and I generally like watching people that had anything to do with "Arrested Development". While it was encouraging that they didn't have Sean be too indignant or get too hung up on his ex-wife's sexuality, I felt they had the character take the sort of easy way out by having them use tired lesbian jokes.

So what'd you think of this episode? Was it a step back or step forward from the premiere? Did you miss Oliver Platt, Tia Carrerre or any of the other guest stars from the premiere? Finally, now that Julia's back, how (and when) do you think they'll re-introduce Matt and Kimber?