Jersey Shore: Two is Better Than One?

“The Godfather: Part II.” “Terminator 2: Judgment Day.” “Aliens.”

Each of these sequels at the very least equaled (or, depending on who you ask, surpassed) the classic original work of art they followed.

Last night brought the second season premiere of “Jersey Shore”, which sought to uphold that lofty tradition after its instant-classic debut season last year.

Did they succeed? Of course not.

But that’s kinda the point of “Jersey Shore.” There are no aspirations of greatness or deep meaning. It’s the TV version of the mindless summer entertainment we usually get at the movie theatre this time of year.

That being said, I’m going to be keeping my eye out for and hoping “Jersey Shore” can avoid the “Hills” conundrum. In case you don’t know what that is (since I just made it up), it refers to what happened to MTV’s other smash-hit reality show, which started off chronicling the lives of clueless unknowns, but eventually became about chronicling the lives of clueless unknowns who’d gotten famous due to their smash-hit MTV reality show, and how they dealt with that fame.

I didn’t get too much of that in the first episode.

Unfortunately, what I did get was WAY too much of my two least favorite things about Jersey Shore: 1.) Angelina 2.) Ronnie/Sammi Sweetheart drama.

And even that followed a mostly tedious 10-15 minute road trip segment with the cast making its way down to Miami (The Situation and Pauly D are stuck in the mud! Um, ok) that was pretty much singlehandedly saved by Snooki. Whether she was basically conceding that she’s pretty much going to cheat on her gorilla juicehead boyfriend Emilio, (“I was like, EMMIIILLLIIIOOO!!!), chomping on fried pickles or giving the camera a Jim Halpert-esque look when that redneck tried to hit on her, Snooki carried this portion of the episode and gave us plenty of hope for the upcoming season. Also, damn that Obama for putting that tax on tanning!

Once they arrived at the house, things got interesting. Well, as interesting as the manufactured drama of inserting the toxic Angelina back into the mix can get.

Let’s talk about Angelina briefly, who I absolutely loathed watching last season. It turns out that I only hated her half as much as her fellow cast members. I couldn’t understand why the producers had brought her back, though I could definitely understand why she’d want to come back. (She basically walked away from the show 10 minutes before it exploded into a phenomenon.)

Watching the season premiere, I got it — she’s just there to stir the pot. Angelina’s ability to (backhanded compliment alert!) get men, women, organisms to hate her is a rare gift. I’ve seen quite a bit of reality TV, and even the bitchiest of contestants can usually find some sort of ally. (The closest Angelina has is The Situation, who is really just one giant instigator.) So, brava to Angelina for being a rare and special breed of horrible.

At least Angelina made things interesting. (And by “interesting”, I mean loud.) I’m SO over the Ronnie/Sammi relationship.

Mostly, I’m just confused. I thought I remembered Sammi breaking up with Ronnie, but in last night’s premiere Sammi was the one moping around about how awkward it is to live in a house with your ex and how she still loves him. Fortunately, my girlfriend Erica was there to explain that, most likely, Sammi wanted Ronnie to come after her and fight for their relationship after she’d broken his heart, which led to this exchange:

Me: “That’s such ‘girl logic.’”
Erica: “Yeah, pretty much.”

Naturally, the two got into a big blow out which culminated in a drunken, “obliviated” Ronnie (props to Vinny for coining that term — and that’s the end of my obligatory Vinny shout-out for the week) calling Sammi the c-word. I don’t know why but I found it thoroughly amusing that, even within this group (that gets most of its dialogue bleeped out) the c-word still made everyone go eerily quiet.

Sammi ended up crying back at the house, while Ronnie got drunker than I’ve ever seen another human being. (Except maybe for Tommy Gavin in this week’s “Blackout” episode of “Rescue Me.”) There was triple kissing, dancing on stage with strippers, making out with “grenades” and “land mines.”

In case you didn’t watch last season, a “grenade” (The Situation explained) is a “bigger ugly girl”, while a “land mine” is a skinny ugly girl. Although, it felt a bit too much like The Situation was TRYING to make the term “land mine” happen, I appreciated this bit of wisdom.

In fact, there simply wasn’t nearly enough The Situation and Pauly D in the first episode (my two favorite characters) other than the gag-inducing revelation that they’ve both now hooked up with Angelina. Leave it to Pauly D to somehow make the idea that he’d hook up with her on a “rainy day” seem funny and charming. Hopefully, we’ll see more of these two guys going forward, and less of all the repetitive junk that clogged the premiere.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did J-Woww simply hang too many clothes on that shelf or was it just poorly made? When and how did she change into that pink dress for her arrival into the Miami apartment? Finally, who is less likable Angelina or Betty Draper?

Inception Review

The moment “Inception” cut to black right after its much-debated final shot, I felt like turning to the people I was with and channeling John Locke after he’s done watching the first orientation film on “Lost.”

“We’re gonna need to watch that again.”

It wasn’t even that I needed to watch “Inception” again because I didn’t understand what the hell was going on. (Although anyone who tells you they understood/appreciated EVERY single layer of writer-director Christopher Nolan’s most ambitious work to date after just one viewing is either lying or drunk. Or both.)

It’s more that I WANTED to experience “Inception” again so that I could attempt to further understand/appreciate everything I’d just seen.

Ugh. I’m afraid I’m making this movie sound more complicated than it really is.

It’d be a crime to reveal too much about this movie to people who haven’t seen it, so I’ll try to keep it simple. “Inception” is set in a world where it is possible for someone to enter the human mind and gain access to a person’s secrets through their dreams.

Leonardo DiCaprio stars as Dom Cobb, the leader of a team of highly-skilled thieves. Cobb is estranged from his family, but gets a chance to go home again when he’s offered the good ‘ol high-risk, virtually-impossible “last job. “

That right there is one level of Nolan’s genius. He takes the exceedingly heady concepts of dreamscapes, sub-consciousness and “what is real?” and presents them through a simple structure that is strikingly similar to a heist movie like “Ocean’s Eleven.” (The gang leader recruits his team, we get a superficial look at the complex plan, and the final act is the carrying out of said plan.)

It takes a little while to get there though. Much of the early portions of “Inception” are disorienting and confusing. Two things here: 1.) Maybe I was just disoriented and confused because I’m not very smart. 2.) I suspect Nolan did this on purpose to recreate the unreal, puzzling nature of dreams. Fortunately, Nolan takes care of his audience by never raising a question/mystery/plot point that isn’t answered or addressed later on (even if you have to do a little bit of the work yourself).

Did I get to the part where “Inception” is one of the most visually-striking films I’ve ever seen? Nolan, cinematographer Wally Pfister and the rest of the crew create one of those beautiful retro-futuristic worlds (like in “Gattaca”) which suggest that this story could be taking place at any time. More importantly, the excellent special effects are used the way special effects should ALWAYS be used. They’re there to supplant and complement the characters and the story, instead of doing all the heavy lifting.

Nolan also gets a big-time assist from a sturdy cast.

This may not be DiCaprio’s best work, but he delivers a strong performance in a challenging role that requires him to exude authority and anguish, often at the same time. I think we’re supposed to be rooting for Dom to succeed so that he could get home, but the character is kept at such an arm’s length that I ended up rooting for him to succeed just to see if what he was trying to do was possible.

Fortunately, the movie features plenty of lively supporting performances to keep things interesting. Joseph Gordon-Levitt (rapidly becoming one of my favorite actors) is rock solid as Arthur, even if I don’t really know what his job actually is other than being Dom’s right hand man. Gordon-Levitt also got to star in the coolest action sequence of the year, an anti-gravity fight inside a rotating hallway. (Yeah, you read that right.)

Tom Hardy delivers most of the laughs (and most of the “Hey, this is supposed to be fun”) as Eames, the team’s “forger.” I also thought Cillian Murphy (as the team’s rich boy target) helped ground the movie’s heist-heavy third act with a terrific, restrained performance.

As much as I gush about Christopher Nolan, he’s not perfect. As was the case with “Batman Begins”/ “The Dark Knight”, Nolan’s weakness is that he’s simply not able to create strong, fully-formed female characters.

That weakness is much less glaring in “Inception”, but I give most of the credit to Oscar winner Marion Cotillard’s emotional performance as Mal, the movie’s complex antagonist. Ellen Page, unfortunately, fares much worse. As Ariadne, the new architect that Dom recruits for his team, Page’s character exists for no reason other than to serve as a stand-in for the audience. When Dom is explaining how the dreamscapes work to Ariadne, he’s really explaining it to us. When Ariadne is yelling at Dom to overcome his issues, she’s really voicing what the audience is feeling. She’s not a person – she’s a narrative device.

I’d also love to tell you something about Ken Watanabe’s performance as the team’s benefactor, but I only understood about 25% of what he said. (Sorry, Ken – I still loved you in “The Last Samurai.”)

Still, the positives far outweigh the negatives.

The summer movie season is usually a time for mindless fun. (Nothing wrong with that, by the way.) Still, with all its strong performance and visual razzle-dazzle, the most exciting thing about “Inception” is that I immediately wanted to watch it again as soon as it was over because it had jumpstarted my brain.

Inception…A-

The Last Airbender Review

Whether you’re a fan of his work or not, you can pretty much ALWAYS tell when you’re watching an M. Night Shyamalan film. (And not just because he semi-obnoxiously started putting “M. Night Shyamalan’s…” before the title of some of his movies.)

In fact, he’s one of only a handful of directors (Tarantino is another) who has an instantly-recognizable style and rhythm in his work. Unfortunately, that style has become characterized by horribly wooden acting and a sea of self-indulgence over the course of his last few movies.

That being said, I admire that the man has his own style. I mean, even though I ripped into “The Happening” when it first came out, I’ve come to appreciate it for the unintentional comedic classic it is.

The good news for the Shyamalan haters is that for his latest project — “The Last Airbender” — nearly all traces of Shyamalan-ess have been removed. For better or worse it looks like almost anyone else could’ve directed this movie.

The bad news for everyone is that it’s still pretty bad.

“The Last Airbender” is based on the popular Nickelodeon animated series “Avatar: The Last Airbender” (they didn’t want to use the “Avatar” part in the title for obvious reasons).

I’ve only gotten glimpses at the animated series, so I won’t join the fans of the show who are complaining about how Shyamalan changed certain characterizations or how Prince Zuko’s scar isn’t quite right because I just don’t care about that stuff. I’m also not going to get into the controversy that sprung up when Shyamalan cast white actors for the lead roles in a movie with Asian themes and characters.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for diversity in casting. I also believe that Asian actors should’ve been afforded the same opportunity to suck in this movie as much as the white actors did.

(I guess I lied – the trademark wooden acting from Shyamalan’s previous work DID show up in “Airbender”, so it’s not TOTALLY indistinguishable from his recent work.)

Ok, so maybe I’m being a bit harsh. Noah Ringer actually fits quite nicely into the heroic/bland mold established by the superior, epic fantasy stories (“Star Wars”, “Harry Potter”, etc.) that have come before “Airbender.” Ringer is Aang, the only person left in the world who can manipulate/bend air and the latest in a succession of Avatars, who can control all four elements.

Aang disappeared for 100 years and is discovered by Katara (Nicola Peltz) and Sokka (“Eclipse” MVP Jackson Rathbone), two members of the Water Nation, which is presently locked in a war with the world-domination-seeking Fire Nation.

The most impressive thing about the movie (other than the admittedly cool special effects and an appealing performance by Shaun Toub as Prince Zuko’s Uncle Iroh) is how each bender has to do a martial arts/dance combo to conjure up their power. I like that they don’t just “have” magic powers – they have to work for them a little bit.

Unfortunately, almost everything else is a borderline disaster.

Rathbone is stuck trying to (painfully) do comic relief, but he got more laughs in the “Twilight” series by just standing there with his ridiculous hair.

I’ve never seen or heard of Nicola Peltz before this movie, and I hope I never do again because she’s absolutely terrible. Her awful performance is doubly vexing because her pivotal role involves her inspiring and pushing our hero. On top of that, since the screenplay (you guessed it – written by Shyamalan) is a muddled, confused mess, we have to rely on Katara’s narration to tell us what’s going on in her deadly monotone. (Hey, how about that? Now Sokka is in love! Thanks for telling me instead of showing me, movie.)

Then we have Dev Patel (aka, the “Slumdog Millionaire” kid) as Prince Zuko, who I’m guessing is supposed to be some sort of tragic, Anakin Skywalker-esque anti-hero. Zuko has been exiled from the Fire Nation by his father and seeks to reclaim his honor by capturing Aang. The only problem is that Patel whines and overacts his way through so much of the movie’s first half that you’re pretty much done with him by the time his character gets some depth.

Should I keep going? How about the fact that one of the main antagonists – Commander Zhao – is a total joke? I mean, he’s REALLY a joke as in he’s played by comedian Aasif Mandvi (best known for his work on “The Daily Show”). I don’t know what’s weirder – that Shyamalan cast a comic actor as the villain but did NOT let him cut loose or that Mandvi still managed to deliver one of the movie’s better performances?

I could go on and on, but this feels like a good place to stop.

It’s not all bad news. The movie - intended as the first of a trilogy – is doing well at the box office. More importantly, it seems to be connecting with its young target audience, judging by the applause from all the kids at the showing I attended.

Unfortunately for me, I’m not 10 years old.

The Last Airbender…D+

Predators Review

There’s some pretty stiff competition for the title (that I’ve just made up) of “Unlikeliest Summer Movie Action Hero of 2010.”

By my completely arbitrary count, Jaden Smith took an early lead with “The Kung Fu Kid” (I know what it’s actually called, and I choose to ignore it), and Michael Cera might have the last say when “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World” comes out next month.

However, the leader in the clubhouse right now is Adrien Brody in “Predators.”

Obviously, Brody is a really good, Oscar-winning actor who has dabbled in action before, most notably in 2005’s “King Kong.” Still, seeing Brody looking like a jacked-up junior Sylvester Stallone and leading a team of elite miscreants is a VERY far cry from this.

Brody plays Royce (and this is SO the type of movie where characters only go by one name), who gets dropped from a plane and into the middle of a strange jungle along with seven other undesirables.

Eventually, the group finds itself hunted by the deadly, dreadlock-y creatures we know as Predators.

There really isn’t a lot more to the movie — and that’s exactly how it should be.

“Predators” plays like a horror movie where the actors with higher billing (with one notable exception) survive until the end. The movie also smartly sticks close to the formula — jungle setting, rag-tag group, an unlimited amount of ammo — that made the original “Predator” an action classic 23 years ago. In fact, the movie appears to directly follow “Predator” and “Predator 2”, while ignoring the events of the “Alien vs. Predator” movies, which is perfectly ok with me because no Predator (or Alien) movie should ever be PG-13, and the best thing to come out of “AVP” is the tagline, “Whoever wins, we lose.”

Though it’s definitely jarring to see Brody in action-hero mode, the actor eventually inhabits his character (who doesn’t give a damn about anyone else and is perfectly willing to lose some people to gain a strategic advantage) well enough that you stop thinking about it.

It also helps that the movie is never boring, thanks to director Nimrod (snicker) Antal, who keeps things moving at an appropriately brisk pace once the characters have been introduced and the action kicks in. (If the first 20 minutes of the movie were always going to be everyone walking around wondering where they are and what’s going on, the commercials probably shouldn’t have repeatedly shown Brody saying, “This planet is a game preserve — and we’re the game.”)

As you can probably guess, there isn’t much to these (cardboard) characters. Alice Braga probably fairs the worst as the most sympathetic member of the bunch (she’s a woman, so she MUST be compassionate, right?) Walton Goggins (“The Shield”, “Justified”) keeps his streak of playing rednecks alive with a lively turn and giving us much of the comic relief. The rest is provided by Topher Grace, as the one member of the team who doesn’t quite seem to belong. (Maybe he should’ve buffed up like Brody so he would fit in more.)

Finally, there’s Laurence Fishburne who is both amusing and wildly miscast as he performs his best Marlon Brando-in-“Apocalypse Now” impersonation.

The gold standard for action/sci-fi sequels that merely added an “s” to the original’s title is “Aliens.” “Predators” isn’t anywhere near that good, but it’s still an entertaining summer flick that zips right along and doesn’t take itself seriously.

Predators…B

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Review

It’s a LOT easier to make fun of the “Twilight” movies than it is to admit that you actually (kinda?) enjoy them.

I mean, where do you even start with the mockery? The hair (several characters fighting for the title of “Worst Wig”), the makeup (aren’t the Cullens supposed to be, at least somewhat, passing themselves off as human — not some sort of golden-eyed, Aryan super race), the special effects (sometimes the wolves look like they’re four feet tall and other times they look like they’re eight feet tall)?

And I haven’t even brought up secondary stuff like “writing” and “acting.”

Still, there’s an undeniably melodramatic/throwback quality that I find fascinating. The story and the style used in these movies remind me of the black and white flicks they used to show on AMC (before they started airing stuff like “Superman Returns”) when I was growing up. Yeah, I know those old movies were considered “classics”, but I still found some of the acting to be hilariously bad and made fun of it. Whether it was actually bad or not, that’s just how most movies WERE back then.

And that’s how the “Twilight” movies are now — except that all the old-timey acting and storytelling is happening in 2010 and in a contemporary setting.

I’m not going to dive too much into the great debates surrounding the “Twilight” series. (Such as, is Edward super-romantic or a creepy stalker who watches you while you sleep? Is Bella a whiny, wishy-washy protagonist or does the fact that she has two guys fighting over her and actual battles waged to defend her mean that she has all the power.) I haven’t read any of the books, so just I don’t have enough knowledge of the story to intelligently argue the point either way.

Instead, how about I just talk about “Eclipse”?

The third movie in the “Twilight” saga finds the vampiric Cullens forming an uneasy alliance with their wolf pack natural enemies to protect Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) from the vampire Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard taking over for Rachelle Lefevre), and her newly-created Army of newborns.

This also marks the breaking point for the Bella, Edward (Robert Pattinson), Jacob (Taylor Lautner) love triangle. But we’ll get to them in a bit.

First, I want to talk about some of the supporting cast, which can really make or break a would-be summer blockbuster. The one in “Eclipse” mostly shined (or sparkled).

I found it thoroughly amusing that Billy Burke always looked like he just rolled out of bed prior to any scene featuring him as Bella’s beleaguered father Charlie. Xavier Samuel was a fine, menacing addition as Riley, the leader of the newborn army. Bryce Dallas Howard, um, didn’t totally blow it stepping into Lefevre’s role, so that’s good. And, finally, it’s always fantastic to watch Dakota Fanning dominate people with her mind.

Arguably, the greatest improvement came from the expansion of the Cullen clan. Ashley Greene’s impish enthusiasm as Alice is always welcome and Kellan Lutz as Emmett got in his usual funny, flirty lines to Bella. However, we got honest-to-goodness back story on Jasper and Rosalie (but why not Emmet, Alice or Esme?).

Jackson Rathbone, in particular, stood out for more than his magnificently floppy hair for the first time in the movie series as Jasper. Turns out he’s kind of a badass.

Jasper trains the Cullens and the wolves for the climactic battle (which actually ends up being way too one-sided for my taste), and director David Slade (“30 Days of Night”) handles the action relatively well. (Except maybe for the part where vampires basically turn out to be ice sculptures.)

Of course, the main action for most fans involves the story’s heroine Bella, and the guys who angrily get in each other’s faces over her. In a related story, Bella is my ABSOLUTE least favorite thing about this franchise!

I don’t even know if I can slam Kristen Stewart’s acting because “Twilight” author Stephenie Meyer is quite involved with the movies, so I’m assuming she approves of this characterization. Still, having the hero of your story be weakly and ineffectually pout her way from one suitor to another is definitely not doing the actress any favors. Congratulations, Bella Swan — you’ve replaced Carrie Bradshaw as the Summer Movie Protagonist I Most Want To Throw My Shoe At.

How about those suitors though? Pattinson has a dashing air about him that mostly negates Edward Cullen’s more creepy tendencies. He also gets to be kinda funny (on purpose!) in this movie. (Like when he asked if Jacob owned a shirt.)

Speaking of Jacob, I have to applaud Lautner for being the one out of the three main cast members who actually appears to be enjoying himself. (“I AM hotter than you.”) The only problem is that, in “Eclipse”, Jacob has turned into an overly cocky, pushy (“I’m gonna fight for you until your heart stops beating.” Um, that’s sweet?) turbo-douche. It also doesn’t help that Jacob was simply never established as a viable suitor for Bella — she’s all about Edward.

Look, these movies are nowhere near perfect. However, instead of focusing on everything that’s wrong, I’d rather shine the light on the fact that it’s the most entertaining entry in the series. (Insert your own joke about how that’s like Danny DeVito bragging that he’s taller than Verne Troyer.)

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse…B-

Toy Story 3 Review

I’m kind of a huge “Toy Story” fan.

The original movie is on my desert island list that I’ve never actually bothered to put together. (It’s mostly because whenever I start thinking about what movies I’d want to have if I were stranded on a desert island, I start to wonder where I’d plug in a TV or DVD player and I get sidetracked the way this paragraph got sidetracked.)

I was a kid when “Toy Story” opened in 1995, so I can’t help but feel like I’ve somewhat grown up along with Andy, the story’s main human character. I’m also a person who once participated in an extended “Toy Story vs. Lion King” debate with my girlfriend. (Nobody else was around, but trust me — I won.)

What I’m trying to tell you is that I had MAJOR expectations for “Toy Story 3.” I was scared too. I was afraid after the phenomenal artistic and financial success of “Toy Story 2” that the people at Pixar had gone back to the well one too many times.

I’m ecstatic to report that “Toy Story 3” exceeded my incredibly high expectations.

Tom Hanks and Tim Allen are back as the voices of Woody and Buzz Lightyear, respectively. Woody and Buzz are still the leaders of Andy’s toys, who haven’t been played with nearly as often as Andy has gotten older and are in danger of being thrown out when Andy heads to college.

The group winds up in a day-care center run by Lotso, a drawlin’, gentlemanly hugging bear who smells like strawberries. Lotso shows Woody and Co. around the day care center and things appear to be too good to be true. (Suffice it to say, they are!)

I don’t want to give too much else away – I was completely delighted throughout the entire thing, and I’d hate to rob someone of that experience.

I will, however, lightly touch on what makes “Toy Story 3” such a terrific movie.

The best thing about the movie is that it’s for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl, a child or an adult, a longtime fan (like me) or someone who doesn’t enjoy animated flicks – there’s something here for you. The genius of the movie (and pretty much every Pixar production) is the way the creative team achieves that sort of mass appeal while still creating fully-realized, impressively-detailed characters.

It’s almost as if every character lives in his/her/its own world (the way, you know, people do) and they just happen to be happily colliding with each other in this story. That means Rex is still endearingly cowardly, Mr. Potato Head is still grouchy, Jesse the Cowgirl is still stung by being abandoned by her previous owners.

Of course, they’re all lead by Woody and Buzz. Hanks and Allen both do excellent, joyful work in returning to their familiar roles. Hanks, especially, shines in conveying Woody’s attachment to (and pending detachment from) Andy and from the rest of his friends. Woody’s selflessness in wanting to remain with his friends and wanting to be there for Andy make him even more heroic here than he was in each previous installment. Even the fact that all these toys want is “to be played with” (and to bring joy to a little kid) is inherently selfless.

That’d be all well and good, but the movie also excels in introducing a host of new characters. Lotso (Ned Beatty) Southern manners make him a disarmingly nasty villain. (He even gets a semi-faux melodramatic back story.) Michael Keaton is an absolute riot as a Ken doll henchman of Lotso’s, who has a complex about being a girls’ toy. (See what I mean about each character having their own issues?) I was also a big fan of the troupe of toys who take their playtime acting very seriously. Finally, I doubt I’ll see a freakier/funnier sight this summer than Big Baby, Lotso’s muscle.

Did I mention that “Toy Story 3” is also the funniest movie I’ve seen all year? Or that it features several downright exhilarating action set pieces? The movie opens with a wonderfully delirious fantasy sequence and its climax features an escape that rivals the plans in “Ocean’s Eleven” and “The Great Escape” in giddy complexity.

Also, the incredibly emotional last 30 minutes of the movie left me feeling like an absolute wreck. (But in a fantastic way.)

I obviously don’t want to get too much into the ending. I’ll just say that the movie’s conclusion is incredibly rewarding for any parent with grown children who wishes they were still little. For any young person about to realize they’ll never really be a kid again. For any person who became incredibly attached to something in their childhood.

That last message is especially poignant in these times, when kids are much more likely to attach themselves to the latest electronic device designed to allow them to act like grownups. The toys in “Toy Story” are as relentlessly old-fashioned as the idea of letting kids use their own imagination during play time.

“Toy Story 3”, in its story and in the execution of that story, reinforces the point that imagination is king.

Toy Story 3…A

Sex and the City 2 Review

“More like Sex and the Shitty!”

That was going to be the opening line to my review of “Sex and the City 2” before I actually saw the thing this past weekend. What?! The reviews were absolutely terrible. And don’t act like you’ve never made your mind up about a movie before you saw it.

After having watched the much-anticipated(?) sequel, I’ll be damned if I actually kind of enjoyed myself. (This review is brought to you by “Low Expectations.”)

Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristen Davis and Cynthia Nixon reprise their iconic roles in the sequel, which curiously takes the foursome out of New York City for most of the movie after Samantha (Cattrall) secures a vacation in Abu Dhabi for her friends. (“More like Sex and the Desert”?) Though I didn’t love the idea of leaving NYC — the city really was a character throughout most of the show — the sequel made enough improvements over the original movie for me to overlook that faux-pas.

My two biggest problems with the first flick were 1.) the four main characters spent way too much time apart (Samantha was in freakin’ L.A.!) and 2.) they forgot to make it funny. The sequel smartly remedies point #1 by whisking the four women away to a foreign country so that they’d have no choice but to hang out together. As for point #2 — I guess it’s up to you (and your tolerance of painful puns like “Lawrence of My Labia” and “Abu Dhabi Doo!”) to decide how funny the movie actually was, but at least they tried! (Seriously — those puns are guaranteed to make you audibly groan and shake your head.)

Unfortunately, the movie is not able to escape all the problems that plagued its predecessor — mainly the fact that there’s no reason for this thing to exist!

The TV series ended with all four of the women finding their happily ever after, so for there to be a movie writer/director Michael Patrick King had to work overtime to manufacture conflict (Big getting cold feet, Steve cheating on Miranda...which I still contend would NEVER happen.)

In the sequel, the main conflict comes from Carrie (Parker) overreacting to some bitchy comment a fan of hers made at a wedding, in regards to her and Big being alone with each other for the rest of their lives. Carrie flips out over the idea that she and Big are going to become a “boring old married couple” and winds up perilously close to being back in the arms of former beau Aiden (John Corbett). Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, but I found it EXTREMELY difficult to be on Carrie’s side in this conflict. I mean, basically she was annoyed that all Big wanted to do was stay at home and spend time with HER, while she wanted to go out clubbing with her friends.

Making your audience think that your protagonist is a moron isn’t usually the way to go.

The problems the rest of the gang face — Samantha vs. menopause, Charlotte struggling with motherhood and a bra-averse hot nanny, Miranda vs. a crappy box — aren’t exactly earth-shattering, but at least they’re a LOT less bratty than Carrie’s issues

Then again, the movie’s biggest problem is that Michael Patrick King really has no business writing or directing a feature film. I touched on the awful puns before, but King’s biggest problem is that he has absolutely no idea how to properly pace a movie, resulting in his second straight feature film that really shouldn't be two and a half hours long. I mean, did we really need to see the ladies walking across the desert in slow motion? Or Charlotte falling off a camel? Or watching the women perform “I Am Woman” in its entirety at a karaoke bar. Any sort of skilled editor could easily chop 45 minutes off this thing.

I was also disappointed to see the men in this flick — besides Chris Noth’s Mr. Big — get the short shrift. I get that it’s all about the ladies, but it’d be nice to get a little reminder as to why these women fell for these guys in the first place. It’s especially a shame because David Eigenberg (Steve) and Evan Handler (Harry) are extremely likable performers. Oh well, at least Raza Jeffrey (as Carrie’s personal butler) acquitted himself quite well.

Since I’ve already established that this movie really has no reason for existing, I would’ve liked to have seen more sequences that were balls-out bananas, like the wedding (or “gay wedding” as Big referred to it) between Stanford and Anthony early in the movie. The sight of Liza Minelli completely throwing herself into “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” was, for better or worse (mostly worse), one of the most mesmerizing visuals you’re going to get in any movie this year. (Or any other year.)

While I still don’t think anyone would confuse this for a good movie, I enjoyed myself because it took a couple of big swings. I also like that the story actually went for laughs this time around and reinforced the strong bond between the four main characters.

Sex and the City 2…C

Lost: I Didn't Know Jack

There are a lot of reasons that I haven’t written down my thoughts on the “Lost” series finale until now, four days later.

1.) I’ve been extra busy at work because Memorial Day pushed up our deadlines this week. 2.) I’ve been putting off writing what will be (sniff) my last official word on one of my favorite shows. 3.) I’m lazy as hell.

The problem is none of those reasons are true. 1.) Yes, I’ve been busy (and a little sick too), but that hasn’t stopped me from pumping out recaps of (and incorrect predictions for) the “American Idol” and “Dancing with the Stars” finales, as well as a semi-detailed wrap-up of “24.” 2.) That’s BS too. The season 6 DVD comes out in August, and you can bet I’ll be re-watching it in light of what we learned in the series finale. Also, I can’t imagine NOT referencing “Lost” in one way or another in my writing and conversations for years to come. 3.) Ok, there’s no arguing with #3.

Still, the real reason is that I needed a few days to digest this epic two-and-a-half-hour episode (that was really more like one-and-a-half, thanks to those omnipresent commercials).

Here were my thoughts immediately after the end of “The End” — I was both incredibly moved by the story it told and I was absolutely impressed by the epic-scale of this TV presentation. (The overhead shots when Jack and Locke were fighting on that cliff were breathtaking — even if Jack’s Falcon punch going into the preceding commercial break made me laugh out loud.)

The only problem was that I really didn’t know what the hell had just happened.

As I’m sure you know, there are a lot of different theories and interpretations out there, but the consensus seems to be that the six-season-long drama on the Island actually happened and the Sideways world we followed this entire season was basically Jack Shephard’s personal limbo.

I’m inclined to believe this interpretation and I also think it was a neat trick to make the Sideways world limbo/purgatory, since people had been guessing for years that the Island itself was purgatory.)

I really liked this finale revelation because (I’m not proud to say) Jack, with his raging stubbornness and his addiction to fixing everything, was always the character I identified with the most. (We all wish we were cool and quippy like Sawyer or lovable like Hurley, but a lot of us are Jacks and we’re afraid to admit it.) However, I also completely understand why people had problems with the finale.

I’m guessing if you had problems with the finale, it was for one of two big reasons: 1.) You demanded answers (that you knew deep down the show was never going to give you). 2.) You hate Jack.

To the Jack-haters, I feel your pain. After that heroic first half of season one, the good doc became more and more of a pill until his hard-headedness became downright unbearable. Still, you can’t be THAT shocked that the season 6 story (and to a lesser extent, the story of “Lost”) ended up being about Jack. This season was all about Jack humbling himself and accepting his limitations, and I think the change looked good on Matthew Fox. If you want to go further back, look at the show’s iconic first image — Jack opening his eye in the jungle! (How else would you expect it to end other than by having Jack’s eye close in the very same spot?)

The answers-demanders have a much more legitimate gripe, in my opinion. As I mentioned before, people in this category HAD to know the series finale was not going to answer all their questions (otherwise, they haven’t been paying attention all this time). There’s actually not much I can say to make these people happy because I don’t have the answers.

I think what we have in this case is a philosophical difference. Most shows on TV (and works of fiction in general) introduce a mystery/question and eventually answer it, while a select few encourage viewers to puzzle out the answers themselves. “Lost” obviously falls in the latter category. In my opinion, the show presented us — over the course of six years — with enough evidence for us to come up with our own answers as to why women who get pregnant on the Island die, or why the Others kidnapped Walt, or why Sun didn’t time travel back to 1977, along with the rest of the Oceanic 6, etc.

Here’s where the philosophical difference comes in. You can read my previous paragraph and say, “Screw that…I actually want to REALLY know why women couldn’t have babies on the Island?” OR you can go back, analyze what we’ve all seen and come to your own conclusion. I don’t think either response is incorrect, but the second response takes much more work. What’s more, even when “Lost” tried the direct approach (Michael explaining to Hurley the origin of the Whispers), I felt like it was clumsy and unnatural.

What I’m saying is that I can totally understand why the answer-demanders are frustrated (why should TV have to be work?!), but I definitely fall in the other category. I LOVE that “Lost” has engaged my imagination all these years whereas, in contrast, people probably stop thinking about the latest “NCIS” the minute it’s over. (Then again, NCIS is the #1 scripted show on TV, while “Lost” struggled in the ratings toward the end, so what do I know?)

(Of course, there’s a very strong chance that I’m full of it and that the producers simply wrote themselves into a corner, ran out of time and couldn’t possibly explain all the mysteries they introduced.)

Ok, I’m tired of blabbing (and you’re tired of reading) about all this Big Picture stuff regarding the end of “Lost.” Here are some stream of consciousness thoughts on the finale itself.

- Although I’ve expressed that I liked the twist of having the Sideways world be Jack’s limbo, I still have a few issues with the Sideways storytelling device.

1.) If this was all told from Jack’s perspective, did we REALLY need Sideways episodes dedicated to stuff like Ben’s high school-level scheming and Sayid pining after Nadia — in other words, stuff that had NOTHING to do with Jack. I get that we needed to see what those characters were up to and how they’d eventually be put in a position to recall their Island lives, but all those episodes seem somewhat like a waste of time since they were basically supporting players in Jack’s story.

2.) On a completely selfish level, I HATED that Jack’s son David was never real. (I now see Sideways Locke’s “You don’t HAVE a son” line was meant to be harsh.) Whereas most of the other characters welcomed the idea of remembering their Island past, Jack was definitely the most resistant and I’m guessing his reconciliation with his son (which probably ended up being a manifestation of Jack’s wish to reconcile with his own dead dad) the main reason why.

- Speaking of those Island Enlightenment moments, I found pretty much all of them incredibly touching. You could say the circumstances in the Sideways world were incredibly contrived, but that world was basically revealed to be a fantasy, so I can overlook that. My favorite part was recognizing each moment right before it happened. For example, I got chills right before Juliet showed Sun and Jin their baby for the first time, meanwhile, my girlfriend Erica totally called Kate helping Claire deliver her baby. (I’d also throw in the moment with Jack and Anti-Locke lowering Desmond into the cave mirroring Jack and Locke lowering Kate into the hatch…where Desmond was.)

- I’ve even come to accept the Sayid/Shannon reunion. At first, I was as confused and annoyed as you, then I realized that this is Jack’s purgatory. I don’t think Jack ever really saw Nadia as the love of Sayid’s life — to him, Sayid and Shannon meant to be together. (Or they just wanted to shoe-horn Maggie Grace into the finale.)

- When/why did Desmond and Hurley find time to re-Enlighten Boone, of all people? (Nice to see Ian Somerhalder back.)

-Speaking of Hurley, I thought Jorge Garcia (an underrated dramatic actor) was all-around outstanding in this episode. I LOVED how happy he was to see Charlie (kinda alive) again in the Sideways world. I LOVED the speech he gave Sayid about the Iraqi (or Pakistani, as his mom might say) torturer not believing what people say about him. I also LOVED that he ended up being the Island guardian, with Ben as his #2.

- In a related story, who else wants to see a little bit of “Lost: The Burley Years”? By the way, the quick “You were a great #2” exchange between Ben and Hurley is my strongest argument against people who say the passengers of Oceanic 815 died in the original plane crash. That line CLEARLY implied that they worked together on the Island for years.

- Underrated touching moment: Locke forgiving Ben before he went into the church. I’ll probably miss Terry O’Quinn and Michael Emerson doing their thing together most of all.

- O’Quinn gave TWO Emmy-worthy performances this year. Just sayin’.

- So Kate, of all people, actually ended up saving the day. Though the character caught a lot of flack over the years (Evangeline Lilly’s work was always strong though), I feel like the finale more than redeemed her. Kate shot Anti-Locke, FINALLY made a choice between Jack and Sawyer, AND wore a really short tight dress. (Notice she had changed clothes to something more appropriate once she was actually in church — she didn’t want to arrive in heaven looking like a hooker.)

She also had, arguably, the best line: “Christian Shephard? Seriously?” (She turned out to be more right than we knew.)

- I have to side with the answer-demanders on two points.

1.) I REALLY wish we’d gotten at least a little more background on the Island. I can accept the light/source, but what about that cork business? I get that uncorking Island effectively killed the light/source (which had been giving Anti-Locke his power, thereby making him mortal) and that re-corking it restored the Island’s magic. I’m more wondering about the mechanical aspects of the Island.

Also, why is the Island able to move?

2.) Also, what WAS the deal with Desmond and why was he so special in what turned out to be Jack’s story. I mean, the dude wasn’t even on the original Oceanic 815. My best guess is that Desmond being the actual cause of Oceanic 815’s crash probably had something to do with it.

So what’d you think of this episode? What was your favorite Island Enlightenment moment? (For me, it was Sun and Jin, especially since they were so happy to be back together and Jin was so amused that Sawyer was a cop.) Why do you think Ben wasn’t ready to join his friends and move on? (Did he feel like he needed to atone more or did he simply want to spend more time with Alex and Rosseau?) Finally, what did YOU think of “The End” of “Lost”?

American Idol: Two Much Pressure

Since I hate this season of “American Idol” so much and I’m pretty thrilled that it’s almost over, I’m going to keep my final recap relatively short:

Lee DeWyze CHOKED.

I take almost no pleasure in this because Lee really seems like a nice guy who was completely overwhelmed by the 7,000-seat Nokia Theatre, the same way he seemed overwhelmed during his first live TV performances in the semifinal round.

The little pleasure I do take has little to do with Lee — it’s more directed at the judges who worked weekends and overtime to convince us (and him) that he was a worthy frontrunner/winner.

I’ve said it before (probably only to my girlfriend Erica), but I’ll say it again. If Lee were to win, he’d be the worst winner in the show’s nine-season run.

“Hey!” you’re undoubtedly saying. “What about Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks?” While those two former “Idols” may have mostly flopped in the music marketplace, I defy you to go back and watch their “Idol” runs and tell me they were worse than Lee “I’d finish seventh place in a half-decent season” DeWyze. Hicks, for one, was both a more consistent singer AND a more electrifying performer. (Then again, the wheelchair-bound Artie from “Glee” is a more electrifying performer than Lee.) The only real advantage that Lee has is his admittedly distinct and contemporary tone.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Lee can’t win. Actually, the fact that people are beating him up as badly (or even worse) than I did in my previous paragraph could result in him getting a significant sympathy vote. More importantly, Lee’s major voting bloc (the young girls with their deafening screams) are much more likely to power text than Crystal’s fan base (middle-aged folk aficionados?)

But again, I’m going to stop beating up on Lee because it’s not his fault that he was hyped as the frontrunner he wasn’t.

Coming into the finale, I felt that there was the strong possibility that Crystal could wipe the floor with him. In contrast, I felt like the best Lee could hope for was a draw. What we got was the former.

Whereas Lee appeared intimidated by his new surroundings, Crystal Bowesox (pictured, right) seemed reinvigorated by the bigger stage (both literal and figurative) and really brought it Tuesday night.

I fundamentally hate the idea of a Contestants Redux round. (How can an “Idol” possibly hope to surpass a previous standout performance?) Suffice it to say neither contestant quite reached the level of their original performance, but at least Crystal got the room jumping with her upbeat finish on “Me and Bobby McGee.” (For the record, Lee sounded fine on “The Boxer” – just didn’t bring anything new to the table.)

Up next was the Simon Fuller Round, in which the “Idol” producers handpicked two tracks for the finalists to cover.

Neither one of them set the world on fire, but I found Crystal’s take on “Black Velvet” (despite its occasional screechiness and the feeling that she was going to fall down and bust her ass at any time) considerably less annoying than Lee’s cover of “Everybody Hurts.” Maybe it’s me, but I just don’t feel like you can (or should) go to the gospel choir well two weeks in a row. If Lee insists on clinging to his guitar for dear life and not working the stage, why not put the spotlight on him and do the song up acoustic style? I actually think this was a terrific choice for Lee (and “Black Velvet” was a bad choice for Crystal), and that’s why I’m disappointed he didn’t do more with it.

Then again, there’s probably a reason why Lee (and Crystal) almost always perform with their guitars. When they don’t, they seem to wander around the stage, not really knowing what to do with their hands or how to interact with the other musicians.

This unfortunately happened to Lee during his rendition of U2’s “Beautiful Day”, set to be released as his first single in the event he wins. Kara was right — Lee got lost in the shuffle of violin players, but to me the biggest offense was wimping out on the chorus’s high notes and not fully engaging the audience or embracing the experience. The guy just looked like he wanted to get it over with.

On the other hand, when Crystal took the stage for her final performance — Patty Griffin's “Up to the Mountain” — you could just feel like you were in good hands. I’m not convinced that Crystal would have a contemporary radio hit on her hands with this recording, but it undoubtedly delivered as a true, unmanufactured, capital-M Moment on the “Idol” stage. Crystal kept the spotlight on herself and delivered an emotional yet controlled performance that would’ve sealed her victory in an ideal world

But what’d you think of this episode? Is Randy Jackson actually mentally challenge? (He complained about “Me and Bobby McGee” “starting out slow” — the song starts out slow before it picks up, ding-dong!) Did you like that they ditched the traditional original coronation song? (They’re usually awful, but I missed making fun of how awful they are.) Finally, who do you think will win and who do you think SHOULD win? I think Crystal will AND should win. Lee was SO bad last night (when you consider it was the finals) that a win by him would be a joke. (Then again, what better way to wrap up this terrible season?)

Thanks for reading (and suffering) along with me these past few months. Enjoy the finale!

24: The Final Countdown

There were a lot of contradictions coming into the final episode of “24.”

As much as I’ve loved and enjoyed the show over the years (as I suspect many others have), it’s hard to get too broken up about its cancelation. Not only had the writers basically run out of moles to install in CTU or nuclear weaponry to threaten American cities with, but the show — with its novel, self-contained concept — was really lucky to be on the air more than a few seasons, so getting eight years was an incredible gift.

Then there’s the fact that Kiefer Sutherland and Co. have not made a secret of the fact that they intend to make at least one “24” movie. Since the movie would obviously continue to follow Jack Bauer’s misadventures (unless it was a prequel), that knowledge robbed the series finale of some drama, since we knew it was highly unlikely Jack would die.

One more: the show’s cancelation was announced in the middle of the season, which meant the ending was presumably in the can. Although the end of “24” is a BIG deal, what we got was a relatively no-frills finale that I’m assuming was intentionally open-ended in case the show got renewed. It felt like the show’s final episode SHOULD have been a bit bigger, but there was no way to do that.

All these contradictions were floating around my mind as I settled in to watch the show’s swan song, but I found that most of those worries went away thanks to a solid final two hours of entertainment.

Remember how Jack was apparently bleeding to death after being wounded by a Russian security guard? Well, that was resolved pretty easily after Jack kidnapped Jason Pillar and forced him to suture the wound after sneaking Jack into the building across from the U.N. (Could that security guard REALLY not see Jack crouched in the backseat?) After knocking Pillar unconscious (J.P. Injury #1), Jack picked his spot and pulled out his sniper rifle.

Before he got down to business, he recorded a somber video message explaining the nature of his actions, in the event that he wound up dead or in prison. At first, I assumed he was recording the message for his daughter, but now it occurs to me that he was probably recording it as a sort of general testament that Chloe or someone else could use to expose the truth.

Speaking of the truth, let’s talk a little about Dalia Hassan. As good and compelling as the Jack stuff was (as it usually is), I think Cherry Jones and, ESPECIALLY, Necar Zadegan acted their asses off during that first hour.

Kayla informed her mother Dalia about Meredith Reed’s phone call and allegations about the Russian’s involvement in President Hassan’s death. Dalia confronted President Taylor about it. Taylor tried to put on a defense, but her actions over the last several hours (what with her losing her mind) have clearly taken a toll on her and Jones did an excellent job in conveying that Taylor simply didn’t have the strength to lie anymore.

This led to an intense, emotional and excellent scene between the two leaders which resulted in Dalia VERY begrudgingly agreeing to sign the peace treaty after President Taylor threatened nuclear action. (I believe she’d like that pen back.) Zadegan deserves to have more work after this powerhouse performance.

Dalia could barely disguise her disdain when Yuri, the Russian president arrived. Jack almost made Dalia a very happy lady by taking Yuri out — but Chloe had to go and interfere.

Since Jack had bugged Logan, he knew about Yuri’s involvement. Jack trained his sniper rifle on Logan and demanded that he summon Yuri to his office. Meanwhile, Cole and Chloe learned from Jim Ricker (why did they use Michael Madsen so little in this finale?) that Jack had a copy of the recording implicating the Russians in the day’s assassination plot. Chloe went to look for Jack to try to talk him down from the ledge, but Jack responded by putting her in a sleeper hold. (That sound you heard was my heart breaking.)

Chloe woke up and was eventually able to convince Jack not to assassinate Yuri and assured him that she’d see his mission all the way through and expose the conspiracy. However, to make it look like Chloe had legitimately caught Jack, she had to shoot him. Just terrific, intense work from Sutherland and Mary Lynn Rajskub, who, despite being known for her cranky quips, really ended up being a great dramatic actress.

The bullet ended up going completely through Jack, which made Jason Pillar suspicious. (I thought it was funny that the untrained Chloe’s gunshot ended up being too good.) Pillar creepily searched her for Jack’s audio file, but she had hid it in her phone. (Really, Jason? You didn’t think to look in there?) Pillar eventually figured out what happened, leading to CTU tool Burke foiling Chloe before she could send the info to Arlo so he could broadcast it. It also led to J.P. Injury #2 after Jack Mike Tysoned Pillar’s ear to buy Chloe some time.

The evidence got back to Logan, who handed it over to Taylor. It was always clear that Taylor would eventually confess what she’d done, but the show still found a nice way to dramatize the decision. Taylor backed out of signing her beloved peace agreement.

Unfortunately, she’d already put a hit out on Jack after Logan convinced her that Jack would never EVER stop hunting Yuri as long as he was alive. She tried to thwart the ambush (nice work from Tim Woods in this scene), but it was too late.

Taylor tried to reach Logan, but my boy was not going down easy. He knocked Jason Pillar out with J.P. Injury #3 and #4 (I actually felt bad for the guy) and turned the gun on himself. I thought that was going to be the end of Logan, but (again!) there’s a movie to think about and Logan is WAY too delicious a villain to kill off.

Meanwhile, Jack’s convoy had been ambushed and he had been captured. (I like that he was fighting till the very end, even with his hands cuffed behind him.) Fortunately, President Taylor was able to reach his captors using a CTU drone and called them off. She told Jack she was going to turn herself in and that he’d have to do the same. By that same token, she gave him a little bit of time to allow for his escape.

That led to the second hour’s best scene in which Jack told Chloe that she was the only person…who’d ever covered his back. (Was I the only one who thought he might use the L-word?)

And that’s where our story ends. Our president will resign in disgrace (Cherry Jones deserved better) and our hero will disappear for a while…before coming to a theatre near you.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why bring in Eriq LaSalle (“ER”) in the final hour, but give him nothing to do? Do you think the show would’ve ended differently if the writers had known this was the final season ahead of time?