(500) Days of Summer Review

Do you remember that 90’s “Saturday Night Live” skit in which Mike Myers played Streisand-loving “Coffee Talk” host Linda Richman and every once in while he/she’d say something like “Talk amongst yourselves. Here’s a topic: butterscotch is neither butter or scotch. Discuss.”

Well, not to go all Linda Richman on you, but here’s a topic: today’s romantic comedies are rarely romantic or comedic. Discuss.

Maybe it’s just me and maybe I’m just missing the good ones. However, it appears to me that most of today’s “chick flicks” seem more concerned with detachedly examining the mechanics of modern relationships (“He’s Just Not That Into You”) or adhering to a predictable (yet crowd-pleasing) formula than with actually enchanting an audience and making them laugh/think/feel. Then again, I’m the guy who called “Wall-E” the best love story in years, so I probably have a quirkier eye for love stories than most.

Ok, this is all my fancy, self-indulgent way of saying that you should see “(500) Days of Summer,” the best romantic comedy in years and my favorite movie of 2009.

All this despite the fact that the narrator tells us at the very beginning that this is NOT a love story - and he’s not lying.

The movie chronicles the year-and-a-half relationship between greeting card writer and hopeless romantic Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Summer (Zooey Deschanel), the girl who shares his taste in indie music and doesn’t believe in love.

This is director Marc Webb’s first movie, and I’d actually count it among the most impressive feature film debuts in recent years. The movie’s main conceit – telling the story of Tom and Summer’s 500-day relationship out of order – could be seen as gimmicky, but I think it works because when people look back at relationships they don’t often recount them in chronological order. (This is where I pause to give credit to co-writers Scott Neudstadter and Michael H. Weber for their brilliant script.) Jumping around also allows a bit of melancholy to creep into the movie’s early moments, while also adding a dash of welcome humor and optimism to the inevitable downer of a second half.

Webb also throws in a few tricks (a joyous musical number after Tom and Summer’s first night together, a French arthouse cinema parody) that might be annoying to some people, but are right in my wheelhouse. The best is a beautiful and heartbreaking split-screen sequence showing how reality and Tom’s expectations don’t align.

Let me talk about Joseph Gordon-Levitt for a paragraph or two. He’s always been good, hasn’t he? He was good as a child/teen actor (“Angels in the Outfield”, “3rd Rock from the Sun”, “10 Things I Hate About You”) and he’s earned plenty of respect in recent years as a film actor (“Mysterious Skin”, “Brick”, “The Lookout”).

However, “500 Days” is really the first time I’ve really seen him as a leading MAN. He’s still a young leading man (the boyish face remains), but the heartbreak, humor, insecurity and passion he brings to this character adds up to a truly star-making performance for a guy who was already VERY good.
Of course, I don’t want to shortchange Zooey Deschanel. The thing with Zooey Deshcanel is that you’re pretty much always going to get the same wide-eyed, slightly-detached, vaguely ironic indie rock chick performance no matter what movie she’s in. (Even if people are dying all around her like in “The Happening.”) It just so happens that she’s absolutely perfect in this role. Summer is totally honest with Tom regarding her (non)feelings on love from the very beginning, but Deschanel still manages to make the character utterly irresistible. Best use of Zooey Deschanel EVER.

This being a rom-com and all, there ARE a couple of lively supporting performances to be enjoyed. Geoffrey Arend is funny as Tom’s karaoke-loving co-worker. On the other hand, though Chloe Moretz scores some laughs as Tom’s tough-talking younger sister, her character was the only one in the movie that didn’t ring true for me. It felt like the writers were stretching for cheap chuckles.

However, that’s just a minor complaint in a movie that gets SO much right about relationships. One of those things is the idea that, in real life, there are often times where a guy is more into a girl than she is into him. “500 Days” also sneakily subverts the audience’s expectation that just because two characters are the male and female leads they should (or HAVE to) end up together.
The narrator turns out to be right – this is NOT a love story. The beauty of “(500) Days of Summer” is that, by the end, I desperately wanted it to be.

(500) Days of Summer…A

"Why, Erica, Why?" Summer Movie Library Series: Goya's Ghosts

The movie is called “Goya’s Ghosts” – was I COMPLETELY wrong to expect the flick to actually focus on famous Spanish painter Francisco Goya. (Or at least the bean guy?)

Goya is merely a supporting player in the movie that bears his name (mostly wasting a lively performance by Stellan Skarsgard as the painter). Instead, the focus is on one of the artist’s muses (played by Natalie Portman) who is labeled a heretic, and a client of Goya’s (played by Javier Bardem) who also happens to be a prominent monk during the Spanish Inquisition.

Then again, the fact that this isn’t a Goya biopic is not all bad (it’s not like I was DYING to see a Francisco Goya biopic).

Director Milos Forman’s drama looks great and certainly deals with a compelling topic (maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think we’ve gotten THE great movie about the Spanish Inquisition) while finding a way to make it relevant to today’s audiences. In fact, the scene that addresses whether or not a confession acquired through torture is valid was probably a little too on-the-nose.

Unfortunately, the movie is also plagued by a general chintziness that should NOT be associated with the guy who made “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and “Amadeus.”

Bardem, for example, gives a solid performance as the complex, charismatic Lorenzo. However, I spent about 60% of his time onscreen wondering why a director would hire Bardem (probably Spain’s greatest actor) to play a Spanish character only to have him speak in heavily-accented English. Yes, I know the rest of the movie is in English, but English is CLEARLY not Bardem’s first language and he probably would’ve been more comfortable acting in Spanish. Hiring Javier Bardem to play a Spanish character while forcing him to speak English is kind of like buying a Porsche, but only using it to drive your kid to baseball practice - it’s kind of a waste.

At least Bardem came out ahead of Natalie Portman. Portman is effective during the scenes in which her character is brutally interrogated. However, she definitely falls into that American actor trap where they use the same vaguely European accent no matter where in Europe the character is supposed to be from (Angelina Jolie in “Alexander” is in this Hall of Fame). Later, Portman is asked to wear borderline-embarrassing old age makeup. Even more questionably, she plays a second role, turning up as her own character’s daughter. Let’s pause a second to get Erica’s reaction:

“That’s retarded.” – Erica.

I agree 100%.

Though the movie boasts some interesting characters (even the bad guys get a shot at being somewhat sympathetic) and “interesting” performances, “Goya’s Ghosts” ends up being a fine-looking wasted opportunity. The good news is that the great defining Spanish Inquisition movie is yet to be made, in case anybody’s interested in making a movie that’s not a remake, sequel or an adaptation of an old TV show.

Goya’s Ghosts…C+

Models of the Runway Review

Who knew that what “Project Runway” really needed was a “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead”-style companion show?

“Models of the Runway” premiered last night, and I was pleasantly surprised by how good it was. (Admittedly, there’s a 25% chance I was simply grateful the show is only 30 minutes after sitting through three straight hours of “Runway.”)

When I first heard about the show, I didn’t think it was a great idea. I mean, we’ve all had to hear Heidi say, “Models this is a competition for you as well” for five years, but none of us have actually cared about that aspect of “Runway” before, right? Who wants to see these no-name girls live in a house and bicker “Top Model”-style?

Fortunately, “Models” has been designed to run concurrently with the events on the current season of “Runway.” As a result, we not only get additional insider-y looks at the designers (who will apparently make cameos, along with Heidi), but we get the models’ insight on the main “Runway” competition. I’m curious to see whether the designers the models like and the designers who do well on the show (Christopher is very popular right now – Ari and Mitchell, not so much) continue to match up.

On top of that, the tense shot of the models backstage watching Ari get eliminated hammered home (moreso than Heidi’s empty script) that this IS a competition for them too.

Since the show was only 30 minutes, we barely got to know any of the models except for Yosuzi (who still has tire tracks all over her from being thrown under the bus by Mitchell) and Katie and Tara, who got to share a vaguely Emmy-themed reward that really just made the other girls jealous. In fact, the “model house” aspect of the show was, by far, the weakest for me.

Still, I enjoyed the show, and it seems like the weekly model selection (usually a waste of time on “Runway”) will take place during this half hour. Last night, Mitchell switched models and Yosuzi ended up being the odd woman out.

The show has made several changes to help “Models” succeed. For example, now the designers will pick models every week, instead of that option only going to the challenge winner. Also, I’m fairly certain the previous “Runway” models didn’t get a model house and had to walk to the set from their apartments.

Overall, “Models” is a spinoff/companion piece with real, experienced models (my girlfriend Erica couldn’t get over how skinny they all are) that will only enhance the “Runway” experience.

“Models of the Runway”…B+

Project Runway: Johnny Drama

“Project Runway” season 6 premiere, we hardly knew ye.

With the All-Star edition of the “Runway” franchise inexplicably taking up two hours, we hardly got a chance to meet the 16 (well, 15 by the end of the hour) designers vying for the sixth season crown. I mean, what would you rather have? Two hours with Santino whining about a broken needle, Chris March napping and a bunch of designers we already know or an extended premiere so that we can better decide who to get behind with this new batch of contestants?

As a result, a handful of personalities dominated screen time, while we’re left to wonder about the majority of the designers. Here’s a sampling of the notes I took during the premiere to help me remember people: Gordana = like her accent. New Uli? Nicolas: douche-y guy with a stupid haircut. Irina: inspired by her dog to make handbags. Louise: I didn't know Diablo Cody was a designer. Epperson: I didn't know Bobby McFerrin was a designer (courtesy of my girlfriend, Erica). Carol Hannah: pick ONE name. Shirin: ?? I’ve got nothing.

The people we DID get to know included Johnny (pictured, right), who had been repeatedly rejected for the show on the count of his meth addiction. (Maybe he should’ve tried one of the VH-1 shows.) Midway through the first challenge – creating a red carpet look for $200 – the stress of the competition caused him to have a meltdown. While it may seem discouraging to completely lose your s--- during the FIRST challenge, I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often. Sure, most of these people work in the fashion world, but the insanely short amount of time designers on “Runway” have to finish their challenges seems insane, and it was actually a little refreshing to see someone crack under the pressure.

Fortunately, this afforded Tim Gunn the chance to remind us why he’s the most awesome person ever, gently telling Johnny to let it out and talking him off the ledge.

The rest of the drama in the workroom centered on Ari’s outfit, which Tim dubbed a halter diaper during his mid-challenge checkup, and the fact that Mitchell’s measurements for his models were WAY off. (According to Mitchell, this was the model’s fault.) As a result, Mitchell had to improvise and ended up sending his model out on the runway in what looked like a sheer bed sheet, turtleneck combination that looked like it was both WAY too revealing and incredibly constricting.

This week’s guest judge was actress, “singer” and “designer” Lindsay Lohan. All kidding about her credentials aside, I found her scowling and barely-hidden contempt for some of the looks highly-entertaining.

With 16 looks making their way down the runway, I honestly don’t remember too many standouts besides the ones the judges named to the top and bottom 3. (Maybe if the show had developed each designer more, I would’ve given a crap and paid more attention to each of their work.)

The top 3 was comprised of Ra’mon (nice use of an apostrophe), Christopher (Minnesota-nice novice designer) and Johnny (who managed to create a pretty and flowy – too flowy for my taste – red dress). Though Erica preferred Ra’mon’s pretty, purple, not totally-original asymmetrical dress, I agreed with the judges’ decision to give Christopher the victory for his hipper, more interesting dress. It goes to show you don’t need to know what smocking is to win a challenge on “Runway.” (Part of the reason I like Christopher is because I have no idea what smocking is either.)

The bottom three was made up of Qristyl’s “Two-Face” dress, Mitchell’s nightie and Ari’s “Planet Disco Soccer Ball” (good to have you back, Mr. Kors). The decision came down to Mitchell and Ari and I was certain the show would dump Mitchell, since quirky personalities usually win out over blah design and poor execution. So I was a little surprised to see Ari sent packing and Mitchell live to see another day. (Maybe they’re positioning Mitchell to be one of this season’s bad-ish guys seeing as how he threw his model under the bus – see “Models of the Runway”)

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you left wanting more? Did you see any major differences with the show being in L.A. (the rooftop scene looked sunnier than usual and the workroom was more spacious) and on Lifetime? (Not really for me, except for the “Army Wives” and “Drop Dead Diva” commercials.) Finally, who are some of your favorites? I’m anointing Ra’mon as my Ridiculously Early Pick to Win it All. He seems skilled and his braininess (dude was studying to be a neurosurgeon) should lead to some interesting work.

Project Runway All-Star Challenge Review

Before “Project Runway” came back for its sixth season premiere, fans (especially long-time fans) were treated to a tasty appetizer.

Except it was the sort of tasty appetizer that costs $8 and leaves you stuffed and wondering why you ordered an entrée.

The one-time, two-hour “Project Runway All-Star Challenge” was right in my wheelhouse. I started watching the show in season 2, so it really didn’t bother me that the All-Star challenge didn’t include any of the show’s alums from season 1. “All-Star” featured some of the show’s most likable contestants, super-talented also-rans, and “colorful” personalities. (“Colorful” being a code word for a-holes.)

Season 2’s Daniel Vosivic and Santino Rice, season 3’s Jeffrey Sebelia, Uli Herzner and Mychael Knight, season 4’s Sweet P Vaughn and Chris March, and season 5’s Korto Momolu all returned to compete for a $100,000 prize. The challenge was to create a three-piece mini collection, with one of the pieces required to be red-carpet worthy. (The All-Star challenge took place in New York, but the show didn’t want to miss a chance to plug its upcoming L.A. season.) Special guest Nicole Kidman announced (via taped message) that the red carpet look would be worn to the premiere of her new movie, “Nine.” (I’m SO there!)

Coming into this thing, I had the designers separated into the aforementioned camps. I had Daniel and Korto as “super-talented also-rans”, I had Mychael, Uli, Chris and Sweet P” as “likable contestants”(obviously, they’re talented too), and I had Jeffrey and Santino as the “colorful characters”. Although a couple of the “likable” designers showed some serious chops, everyone mostly stayed in their little boxes.

Much of the show was dominated by Jeffrey and Santino, probably two of the show’s most notorious villains. I actually enjoyed each of these guys during their original runs (Jeffrey was a bit of a toolbox, but I liked his style and Santino WAS legitimately funny), but during “All-Star” the two (especially Santino) seemed almost obligated to play up their “villainous” characters.

I mean, how else to explain Jeffrey’s decision to grow a porn-stache that made him look like Thomas Jane in “Boogie Nights”? I wondered why Jeffrey was asked (and would agree) to come back since he actually won his season and I saw this as more of a wild-card competition for designers who didn’t win. Then I realized I big part of the appeal for Jeffrey (other than the cash) was the chance to obnoxiously plug his band “Sing Orpheus” by wearing their T-shirt throughout. Still, just like when he was on the show originally, Jeffrey was on target a couple of times with his comments. I chuckled out loud during the show’s cheesy intro when one losing designer said, “They got it wrong,” followed by Jeffrey’s, “No they didn’t.” Also, while his crack about Mychael’s Fashion Week collection not being All-Star worthy may have been harsh, it was also 100% true.

Santino, on the other hand, basically just acted (in the words of Korto) like a “fool.” In his intro, he claimed that “Project Runway” didn’t make him - HE made “Project Runway.” While this statement is undoubtedly ludicrous (especially now that Christian Siriano is the biggest star to ever come out of this show), it’s not COMPLETELY ridiculous when you think about the impact he had on the show’s second season and really helping it cross over to the mainstream. The rest of the time, he seemed more content with distracting his competitors and drawing attention to himself than with actually completing his metallic and camel toe-tastic collection. Oh well, at least he polished off his fantastic Tim Gunn impersonation again.

Besides Jeffrey and (especially) Santino’s antics, the workroom sessions were kind of a bore. (These people HAVE been through this before). It was so boring that Chris decided to take a nap throughout most of the competition. The only “drama” the show could muster was a low-wattage feud between Uli and Sweet P. All it amounted to was basically that the two had very similar taste now that Uli had decided to move away from her signature prints.

Midway through the challenge, the producers threw the designers a curveball by making them design a fourth look using only material from the STK restaurant where they were dining. I knew there’d be a twist at the restaurant and this turn of events delighted me. This new challenge was SO “Project Runway.”

The fashion show came along, and it was good to see Michael, Nina, pregnant Heidi and guest Diane Von Furstenberg (or was that “Nine” co-star Sophia Loren) back along the runway and ready to judge.

Actually, the runway show turned out to be rather unspectacular since - once again - these people mostly know what they’re doing. Mychael, Jeffrey, Santino and Uli were in the bottom four and eliminated. Personally, I might have subbed Uli in for Chris in the top 4 (his red carpet dress was WAY too much), but the guy was so touched to be considered among the best that I’ll let it slide.

Sweet P impressed the judges by incorporating a bit of her biker chick aesthetic and making it both pretty and, well, sweet. Though she finished third, it seemed like she got a good boost of confidence.

Coming into this thing, I felt like Daniel was going to win because he really should’ve beat out Chloe Dao in season two. However, after actually seeing the challenge, I felt like Korto (very flattering to women, VERY well-made and vibrant) would win. Her restaurant dress was better than anything out there, for my money.

It was not to be. Daniel and his inspired, athletic-looking collection won over Korto’s more wearable looks, leaving Korto as a bitter second-place finisher her last two times on the runway. Congrats to Daniel, a very deserving (and considerably richer) winner.

So what’d you think of the All-Star challenge? Which past contestant would you rather have seen? (I would’ve preferred to see Laura Bennett in place of the totally disinterested-looking Mychael.) Which “Nine” star could wear Daniel’s dress at the red carpet? (I’m thinking Kate Hudson.) Did you catch Heidi’s obviously dubbed-over line about the champagne she was drinking on the roof top not being real? Did this thing REALLY need to be two hours? Finally, do you think Korto (or Sweet P) should’ve won?

Project Runway All-Star Challenge…B

Hell's Kitchen: The Heart of the Matter

AFTER A RELATIVELY SLEEPY EPISODE LAST WEEK, “HELL’S KITCHEN” RETURNED WITH AN EPISODE THAT HAD IT ALL — A LITTLE TENDERNESS, A PAIR OF SEMI-GRATUITOUS BOOB SHOTS (I GUESS ARIEL IS OFFICIALLY THIS SEASON’S SEX SYMBOL) A(NOTHER) TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL AND A SPECTACULAR BLOW-UP IN THE KITCHEN!

(IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING WHY I’M YELLING IN ALL CAPS, IT’S BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SURE I CONVEY THE PASSION AND INTENSITY REQUIRED TO WRITE THIS “HELL’S KITCHEN” RECAP SO CHEF RAMSAY DOESN’T ELIMINATE ME.)

Ok, I’m done with that because it’s incredibly obnoxious.

The continuation of “Hell’s Kitchen” actually kicked off with a really nice, tender scene. Sure, Ramsay isn’t exactly Mr. Rogers, but his gentle and firm reassurance to Amanda (“I’m counting on you — bounce back quickly”) after essentially telling her she had no chance to win during last week’s elimination was surprisingly touching. I actually believed he cared. Although we all tune in to see Ramsay maniacally yell out things like “Peppery, peppery!” I like it when the softer side of Ramsay makes a cameo appearance.

Given what would happen at the end of the episode, maybe Amanda’s crying over her poor performance is what convinced Ramsay she had the heart to remain in “Hell’s Kitchen.” (Not to actually WIN “Hell’s Kitchen”, but to at least hang around a while longer.)

After the chefs returned to the dorm, Tennille kept complaining about how her team was out to get her based solely on her past work, but I honestly switch off whenever Tennille starts talking.

The next day, the chefs faced their challenge, which involved creating a meal (appetizer, entrée and dessert) for under 700 calories. Robert had a funny line about taking 700-calorie bites (it’s funny because it’s true) and despite their insufferable overconfidence the guys seemed generally doomed from the beginning. First they were WAY over their limit (around 1000 calories) before they even had a dessert, but eventually wound up more than 100 calories under the limit.

The women, on the other hand, were led by Sabrina who works at a health club and spa. Usually when a chef on this show says something like, “______ is my specialty, we’ve got this in the bag,” they end up falling on their face. However, Sabrina took charge and delivered a really delicious-looking meal from top to bottom. Even the show’s editors (who LOVE to make every challenge seem as if it came down to the wire) had no way of making this look close. The “suspense” was amusingly built around the reveal of the men’s pathetic crepe dessert (courtesy of Dave and Andy). I love that Ramsay just laughed — he couldn’t even really get upset.

As a reward, the women won a trip to the beach and a volleyball lesson from Olympian Annett Davis (random!). Ramsay sentenced the men to prep the kitchen and the show once again tried to kill Robert.

I mean, what other explanation is there? First, the producers bring Robert back, despite the fact that he actually appears to be heavier than he was last year, when he bowed out because of his heart. Now, they make the men ride some sort of circular bicycle contraption (alternate title for this recap: Circle Jerks) UP a hill to fetch ingredients. As a result, Robert took a trip to the emergency room and missed the dinner service. It’s a good thing this is probably all manufactured drama to keep things interesting and that the show isn’t actually trying to kill Robert (right?!)

With Robert missing, the teams were equal — which was perfect because both teams were equally terrible.

Despite struggling a bit with the scallops (I believe that was the first time Ramsay yelled at Ariel), the women got off to a better start. Then came the giant blowup between Ramsay and Tennille, which did NOT disappoint.

Tennille was struggling with her portion sizes, and Ramsay called her “crap”, an insult which Tennille reciprocated. Ramsay kicked her off the line and the two got into a shouting match in a back room. I know I tease this show for being staged and for manufacturing drama, but if this fight was fake, then Tennille (which her tear-streaked face) is one of the best actresses we’ve seen in “Hell’s Kitchen.” I also enjoyed her intense “GET OFF MY STATION — PLEASE!” when she returned.

Unfortunately for the women, Sabrina started crashing and burning. First she misplaced an entire chicken (I loved Ramsay asking if they needed a detective) and sent some tragically undercooked pork into the dining room.

All that being said, I still thought they might pull out the win because the men were ever so slightly worse. Jim took forever in making his risotto, which was too peppery, then too bland and never did get just right. Ramsay compared it to baby food (I wish he would’ve used “baby vomit” again), which prompted Jim to crack, “Baby food is goooood.” (Funny.)

After that, Kevin irked the struggling Dave and Andy (who REALLY sucks) at their respective stations by bossing them around before Ramsay shut both kitchens down and charged each team with coming up with a consensus nominee for elimination.

The women nominated Sabrina, who WAS the worst of the evening and claimed that Tennille should be up there for “walking off the line” (despite the fact that Tennille was temporarily KICKED off by Ramsay). The men, despite having two worthy candidates in Jim and Andy, nominated the absent Robert, which didn’t sit right with Ramsay. Andy (who thought he’d dodged a bullet) was called to the firing line anyway.

Ramsay debated his choices and let go of (needle scratching on record sound) Jim. Huh?! Sure, the fact that Jim isn’t the most outwardly intense person on this show had been hinted at before, but I’ll miss the guy precisely because he was low-key funny and because he didn’t feel like he had to resort to acting like a maniac just because he was on this show.

The reason this firing is a TRULY terrible decision is because Andy is just as lazy/laid-back/ill-suited for the insanity of “Hell’s Kitchen” (he admitted to Chef Ramsay that he was intimidated by him) AND he seems like a much worse cook than Jim.

Oh well, hopefully Jim is relaxing on a couch with a bottle of Gerber and enjoying not being berated anymore.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Robert make it out of this competition alive? Who would you have fired? Finally, where DID that chicken go?

Hell's Kitchen: Low Tek

Is “Hell’s Kitchen” in the midst of some sort of image rehabilitation program?

A couple of episodes ago, Chef Ramsay had the contestants cook up an Italian meal for a group of hungry firefighters during the weekly challenge. Last night centered almost entirely around the return of Marine Staff Sergeant Otis James after a 30-month stint in Iraq and the grand meal that would welcome him back.

Hey, I’m like you — I watch this show to see these poor souls screw up and to have Ramsay come up with exceedingly creative (and LOUD) ways to insult them. Still, it’s nice to see the contestants (and Ramsay) NOT behave like complete beasts every once in a while and do something nice for a deserving group of folks (even if they may or may not be manufacturing sympathy).

Of course, judging from next week’s previews, it looks like all of that goodwill goes out the window when Tennille gets in Ramsay’s face and Robert dies!!! (Maybe.)

But before we got to that, we had to deal with this week’s episode, which ended up being a relatively dull, one-sided affair.

For this week’s challenge, each team had to prepare an appetizer and two entrees for Sgt. James’ wife Lytasha, who would pick a winner based on what her husband would like. Wanting to encourage communication, Ramsay recruited Robert and Suzanne to consult with Lytasha in private and relay a clear direction to their respective teams.

And this is where the men’s domination began. In Kevin’s words, Robert conveyed Lytasha’s message (soul food, GRILLED lobster) by directing and not dictating. It only took about a month, but it was the first time Robert has been impressive this season. Suzanne, on the other hand, had a very clear idea of what she wanted to make (which isn’t entirely bad) but seemed completely selfish and unresponsive to her teammates’ suggestions (which was VERY bad, especially considering that Tennille’s jambalaya sauce would’ve probably been right up Sgt. James’ alley).

This being, “Hell’s Kitchen” the challenge HAD to come down to the very last dish. The women took the appetizer round with their salad (and Kevin took the “Sexist Comment of the Night” award by remarking that women will pick a salad 9 out of 10 times), while the men won the two entrée rounds, highlighted by Robert’s GRILLED lobster.

As a reward, the men got to take a ride in fighter jets (I enjoyed their slow-mo walk on the runway — talk about “The Wrong Stuff”) while the women had to stay and decorate the dining room under the direction of Chef Ramsay’s wife, Tana. (I guess Jean-Philippe had the afternoon off.) The show and the contestants inexplicably tried to play up Tana’s bossiness, but she actually seemed like a perfectly nice woman. The women eventually goofed around with the helium intended for the balloons. Yes, we’ve seen this gag a thousand times, but I actually enjoyed watching the challenge losers actually have fun with their punishment for a change.

Before the dinner service (which featured a nice little surprise party reveal for Sgt. James, pictured, left), it seemed like there was some sabotage afoot (did I really just say “afoot”?) Since the men won, both teams would be preparing food from the blue team menu and the men seemed more than a little reluctant to share the finer points of their dishes. Although Jim’s silent shoulder shrug was very funny, I actually thought this was an overall dick move by the guys.

I suppose if the sabotage had been the thing that caused the women to lose, I’d still be annoyed. However, the women were perfectly content to self-destruct on their own.

Both teams sent out their appetizers will little incident (except for Sabrina trying to serve some cold mushrooms). Then it seems like everybody in the restaurant decided to order steak. It looked like Jim was going to get slammed, but Kevin was with him and maybe a little overeager to get his back. (Was Kevin being a good teammate or trying to make himself look good at the expense of another? And if it’s the latter, is that necessarily wrong in a competition?)

On the red team, Tek became COMPLETELY overwhelmed by the onslaught at the grill. She refused to put some of her steaks in the oven after they were marked by the grill and fell hopelessly behind. What does “hopelessly behind” mean? It means that the men finished their service before the women even sent out ONE entrée. (Just for kicks, Amanda almost sent out a raw lobster.) The men eventually crossed the kitchen and helped the women finish in what was probably the most one-sided dinner service I’ve seen on this show. (Usually the incompetence is equally distributed.)

Since the women were so bad, there was no “Best of the Worst” and Ramsay asked the red team to come up with two nominees. Tek was a no-brainer, but the women ended up naming Tennille as the second nominee. Now Tennille is clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed (or the most talented chef), and every time she talks in her confessionals I kind of want to punch myself, but she did NOT deserve to be up for elimination based on her work last night and the fact that she HAS improved since her first couple of weeks (though she’s not as “strong” as she thinks she is). Mostly, I knew she wouldn’t be going home since we hadn’t yet seen her upcoming blowup with Ramsay (which was teased in the season premiere).

Ramsay subbed out Tennille and brought Amanda to the firing squad. Amanda tearfully defended herself, but that didn’t stop Ramsay from coldly saying, “I’m looking right through your eyes, and I think you’re done.” To me, that was more hurtful than any of his outrageous rants (and I hate to kind of agree with him). Still, Ramsay eliminated Tek, who had actually gotten increasingly worse each week and failed to live up to her self-proclaimed “crazy badass girl” reputation.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do we think that Robert was excluded from this week’s reward the same way he was barred from riding a helicopter last season? (Not to be mean, but how can he possibly fit into a cockpit? I don’t remember seeing him flying) Am I the only one who had no idea Chef Ramsay was married? Finally, who’s more likely to leave “Hell’s Kitchen” next week — Robert or Tennille?

The Hangover Review

It was bound to end in (slight) disappointment. (That’s what she said.)

When you hear from enough critics and regular people (unfortunately, the two ARE often mutually exclusive) that “The Hangover” is the funniest movie of the year — maybe EVER! — you’re bound to be a little let down when ***SPOILER ALERT*** it’s not. ***END OF SPOILER ALERT***

Sure, part of it is my fault. By waiting over a month to see it, I allowed the hype to grow in a way that didn’t affect people who were there opening weekend. Also, please don’t get me wrong — parts of it are damn funny. Still, I actually caught myself over-laughing at certain bits like I was Kevin Eubanks in The Tonight Show with Jay Leno because I felt obliged to find something funnier than it actually was. (This being the funniest movie of all time and all, I didn’t want to feel like I was being left out.)

In case you don’t know, “The Hangover” follows three guys (played by Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis) as they try to locate the friend (Justin Bartha) they lost during the poor guy’s Vegas bachelor party. The guys wake up with no memory of the previous night and follow increasingly bizarre clues in the hopes of finding their friend before his wedding.

It’s not the most complicated concept for a movie in the world (given that it’s basically a less surreal/silly/sanitized version of “Dude Where’s My Car?”), but it’s incredibly effective in that it actively engages the audience’s imagination. You’ll be trying to guess what exactly these guys could’ve done to end up married, hospitalized and with a chicken, a tiger AND a baby in their suite (and the movie is smart enough to withhold the answers until the delightfully obscene end credits).

I actually really enjoyed the first portion of the movie, in which the four lead actors/characters quickly establish a believable and appealing camaraderie. Soon thereafter, the movie’s main plot kicks in and things become REALLY hit or miss.

I’m not here to give the whole movie away, but I found the extended bit in the police station with the taser to be too slapsticky and, ultimately, a waste of time. I also thought Ken Jeong’s performance as Mr. Chow (some sort of extremely effeminate gangster) was WAY over the top. (Almost as over the top as Rachael Harris, as one of the guys’ monstrous girlfriend.) Jeong ended up being more baffling than funny. Mike Tyson’s appearance as himself was mostly effective due to his willingness to make fun of himself (since his acting is kind of terrible).

In fact, the best thing the movie has going for it is its leads. Helms does a funny, more profane variation of his uptight, uncool preppy persona from “The Office.” Cooper, who excels at playing douche-y characters, is the movie’s straight guy and shows real star quality as the de-facto leader of the group. At the very least, he delivers my favorite line of the year: “Don’t text me, it’s gay.”

Still, this movie belongs to Galifianakis, who gives the funniest performance I’ve seen this year. (At least the movie lived up to the hype in that respect). As the bride’s brother, his character is a bit of an outsider from the rest of the group, and watching him try to fit in and become one of the guys is very good stuff. The fact that he may or may not be a little mentally challenged is also gold and makes for a totally unpredictable, sweet, exciting and hysterical performance. He reminded me of Tracy Morgan’s character on “30 Rock” in that you literally had no idea what was going to come out of his mouth — it could be ANYTHING.

In the end, “The Hangover” is a pretty funny movie that weirdly ended up being a little underwhelming for me. Next time, I’ll try to get to the theatre a little faster.

The Hangover…B-

Hell's Kitchen: Sausage Fest

This show isn’t exactly known for its sophisticated sense of humor (and neither is this column), so why don’t we start off with a quiz inspired by last night’s sausage-making team challenge:

Which sausage-related comment was your favorite?
A) “Gentlemen, clearly comfortable with your meat.” – Chef Ramsay
B) “I don’t like sausage.” Later followed by, “I officially want to let you guys know, I like sausage.” – Tennille
C) “You hold it steady and pump it slowly.” – Van correctly describing how to create a homemade sausage.
D) Ramsay stating that the perfect sausage length (for the challenge) was six inches.

(I vote for D because it was the one comment that didn’t seem forced – in fact, I don’t even think Ramsay was trying to make a joke.)

Hold on a minute, we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. Before the chefs got to this week’s challenge, one of the contestants unleashed, not only the dumbest quote of the season, but what may turn out to be the dumbest thing anyone says all year long.

Tennille and Suzanne (pictured, left) plain ol' don’t like each other. Tennille (and Lovely) had survived the latest elimination thanks to Ramsay deciding not to send anyone home. That did nothing to temper Tennille’s hostility toward bossy, stank-face Suzanne. She doubted Suzanne’s leadership skills (“A leader don’t get slapped in they mouth the way Suzanne is ‘bout to.”) Who knew that would end up being the second dumbest thing Tennille would say all night?

Ramsay wanted the contestants to work in pairs during the week’s challenge. (Amanda was asked to sit out, which is just as well given that this challenge involved some math.) When Tennille found out she’d be paired with Suzanne, she said “I’ve never disliked somebody that I’ve known for less than a millennium this much before in my life!” Um, WHAT? Who knew Tennille was a Highlander?! Moving on.

It actually turned out to be much ado about nothing. My negative attitude toward Suzanne (she always looks like she smelled a fart) started turning around when I saw how calmly and constructively she worked with Tennille. The women ended up winning the challenge (and an Oktoberfest reward) in a relatively easy fashion over the men, who got the most production out of the two injured guys (Kevin and Dave) and NOTHING out of Robert and Jim.

That frustration carried over to the men’s punishment. As they were cleaning the dorms, Kevin made a general remark about a bunch of executive chefs not being able to make sausages, and Robert took it VERY personally, getting in Kevin’s face and bumping him. (Though to be fair, Robert is so fat, he may not have realized he bumped Kevin.)

I hate that I just resorted to a cheap fat joke, but I’m just over Robert. I officially have absolutely no idea as to why he’s held in any kind of high regard by Ramsay or any of the other chefs. Up to this point, he’s done nothing but stink up the joint in the kitchen.

And we haven’t even gotten to his childish, overbearing, obnoxious behavior. Is this guy TRYING to give himself a heart attack by ranting and raving like an inarticulate lunatic (when Ramsay tells you to quiet down during a service, you KNOW it’s bad) and getting in people’s faces. Kevin was 100% right in stating that Robert needed to bring this intensity to the kitchen, not the dorms (although he wasn’t able to save that poor broom’s life). My best guess is that the producers think we find him a lot more interesting than we do.

Before the dinner service, Dave found out he’d need a long-arm cast that would immobilize his thumb for two weeks. Since this episode wasn’t teased to death as the “most shocking episode EVER” I figured Dave would be sticking around.

This week’s dinner service featured a delightfully random selection of C and D-list celebs like Tom Green, John O’Hurley, Drew Lachey, Kristy Swanson (original Buffy!) and Melinda Clarke. (Christopher “Kid” Reid was also there, but he’s probably on the M-list.)

In the kitchen, Ariel (who was serving as a greeter/appetizer cook) got her team off to a good start, while Jim struggled in the same role. I’m not fully convinced he struggled as much as we were lead to believe by the “Jim is too mellow” montage, but I do question how long laid-back guys like Jim and Andy can last on this show.

The answer is “not too long” if Andy keeps underperforming the way he has. Sure, hearing Ramsay call him a “first-class f--- up” was funny, but the more memorable moment was when Chef Scott called him a nitwit and got in his face. He looked like he was going to smack him with a spoon. That was SCARY. Then again, Andy doesn’t have too much to worry about if the men keep winning dinner services.

Though the women were bogged down by Tek over-salting John O’Hurley’s capellini and Lovely once again being the terrible chef that she is (she forgot orders and generally had a mental meltdown), the service came down to the wire, with the women losing because their side dish wasn’t ready on time.

Turns out Suzanne thought their side dish WAS ready and asked Ramsay for a “play-by-play.” Ramsay’s response was akin to, “You lost, f--- off” and I actually felt bad for Suzanne. I don’t think she was trying to be a pain. She genuinely thought her team had won and asked for some clarification.

Sabrina was named Best of the Worst (and was WAY too excited about it) and nominated Lovely and Tek for elimination. Before the final commercial break, Ramsay called Suzanne’s name and ended up asking for her input. She said she’d fire Lovely, Ramsay agreed, and we got our final Lovely-related joke of the season. (Ramsay remarked that if she were named after the way she cooked, “Her name wouldn’t be Lovely – it would be useless.”)

To be honest, I’m not reading as much into this as Suzanne is (she’s convinced Ramsay truly values her input). I believe if Suzanne had said Tek should go home, Ramsay would’ve eliminated Lovely anyway. To me, calling Suzanne’s name was nothing more than a ploy to create drama during the commercial break. And it almost worked.

So what’d you think of this episode? Am I being too harsh on Robert? If it’s true that the restaurant’s Hollywood location means that celebs can stop by at any time, why did they all show up on the same night? Finally, is Tennille the dumbest person on this show or the dumbest person in the world? (Here’s hoping “The Soup” picks up her classic quote.)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Review

Even if you’re not a fan, you’ve gotta admit that there’s something perversely impressive about a movie that almost makes the original “Transformers” flick look like an indie.

Where part I had about a dozen Autobots and Decepticons doing battle, part II features at least twice as many robots, including Decepticons who end up joining the heroic Autobots, and a pair of Autobots that manage to be simultaneously offensive to black people and hillbillies. (Black hillbillies?) Where most of the action in part I was confined to Qatar, the Hoover Dam and a stand-in for downtown Los Angeles, part II features scenes in Washington D.C., a northeastern college, Shanghai, Egypt, um, space and prehistoric times (!)

It’s not like the plot matters, but here it is anyway. A few years after the events in the first “Transformers” movie, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is getting ready to head off to college when an accident grants him the ancient secrets of the dueling alien robots. The movie becomes a race between the evil Decepticons — who literally want to get inside Sam’s head to learn what he knows — and the Autobots, who have sworn to protect Sam and the rest of humanity.

The problem is that there’s just too much of everything.

That’s no surprise given that this movie (like the first one) was directed by Michael Bay, aka the Maestro of Too Much (and he knows it). I’m no Bay-basher —I unironically enjoy “Armageddon” in all its cheesy glory, and “The Rock” is one of my top 10 favorite action flicks — and the movie even found a clever way to incorporate the director’s fetish for the U.S. military (the Autobots work with an elite unit to hunt Decepticons). Unfortunately, Bay ends up allowing things to go off the rails.

Though the movie’s special effects are once again OUTSTANDING (the biggest shock for me during the 2008 Oscars was honestly that “Transformers” didn’t win the Best Visual Effects award), the action often gets muddled when the robots go at each other. (Did Optimus Prime just kill Megatron? Oh no, wait — that was somebody else.)

Simply put, there are too many robots! I already touched on the painfully unfunny Skids and Mudflaps (aka Jar Jar Binks x 2 for the new millennium), but, for example, did we really need a senile Transformer? Did we need a Transformer that ends up being domesticated for “comic” relief?

And the robots aren’t even half as annoying as the humans.

Almost every human character ranges from “kinda irritating” to “MILES over the top.” Bay tries to make Isabel Lucas (as a temptress at Sam’s college) the new Megan Fox, but comes up short. There’s also the stereotypically jerky head of the NSA, who eventually gets his comeuppance. Rainn Wilson of “The Office” pops up as a douche-y college professor. (We know he’s a douche because he wears a scarf indoors.) And, while I enjoy Kevin Dunn and Julie White’s banter as Sam’s parents, they were WAY out of control here — and that was before Sam’s mom accidentally eats a pot brownie.

Ramon Rodriguez actually gives a good performance as Sam’s college roommate, but his character is so aggravating, I’m guessing he was put there to please people who thought John Turturro was too subtle in the first movie. (Speaking of Turturro, I’m docking this movie half a letter grade just for the close-up shot of Turturro’s ass in a thong — just WHY!?) It actually made me wonder if the Autobots are wasting their time fighting to protect humanity.

Things get so madcap that Megan Fox’s relatively bland brand of (non)acting is actually welcome, if only to settle things down. LaBeouf also gives another appealing performance, as he does his best to ground the movie. The relationship between a boy and his robot was the most interesting thing about the first flick for me (well that and anytime the robots actually transform!)

While this movie is WAY too busy to focus on that for too long, there are a couple of effective scenes between Sam and his best friend Bumblebee as well as Sam and Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots. I even found the relationship between Sam and Mikaela (Fox) surprisingly endearing, despite the fact that it wasn’t any more developed than the borderline-abusive relationship between Decepticons Megatron and Starscream.

Then again, you don’t come to a “Transformers” movie for character development. You come to see cars turn into robots (again — SO cool!) and stuff get blown up. In that regard, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is the best movie of the year. (Oh no — they can take that last sentence out of context, can’t they?!)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen…C+