Hell's Kitchen: The Heart of the Matter

AFTER A RELATIVELY SLEEPY EPISODE LAST WEEK, “HELL’S KITCHEN” RETURNED WITH AN EPISODE THAT HAD IT ALL — A LITTLE TENDERNESS, A PAIR OF SEMI-GRATUITOUS BOOB SHOTS (I GUESS ARIEL IS OFFICIALLY THIS SEASON’S SEX SYMBOL) A(NOTHER) TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL AND A SPECTACULAR BLOW-UP IN THE KITCHEN!

(IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING WHY I’M YELLING IN ALL CAPS, IT’S BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SURE I CONVEY THE PASSION AND INTENSITY REQUIRED TO WRITE THIS “HELL’S KITCHEN” RECAP SO CHEF RAMSAY DOESN’T ELIMINATE ME.)

Ok, I’m done with that because it’s incredibly obnoxious.

The continuation of “Hell’s Kitchen” actually kicked off with a really nice, tender scene. Sure, Ramsay isn’t exactly Mr. Rogers, but his gentle and firm reassurance to Amanda (“I’m counting on you — bounce back quickly”) after essentially telling her she had no chance to win during last week’s elimination was surprisingly touching. I actually believed he cared. Although we all tune in to see Ramsay maniacally yell out things like “Peppery, peppery!” I like it when the softer side of Ramsay makes a cameo appearance.

Given what would happen at the end of the episode, maybe Amanda’s crying over her poor performance is what convinced Ramsay she had the heart to remain in “Hell’s Kitchen.” (Not to actually WIN “Hell’s Kitchen”, but to at least hang around a while longer.)

After the chefs returned to the dorm, Tennille kept complaining about how her team was out to get her based solely on her past work, but I honestly switch off whenever Tennille starts talking.

The next day, the chefs faced their challenge, which involved creating a meal (appetizer, entrée and dessert) for under 700 calories. Robert had a funny line about taking 700-calorie bites (it’s funny because it’s true) and despite their insufferable overconfidence the guys seemed generally doomed from the beginning. First they were WAY over their limit (around 1000 calories) before they even had a dessert, but eventually wound up more than 100 calories under the limit.

The women, on the other hand, were led by Sabrina who works at a health club and spa. Usually when a chef on this show says something like, “______ is my specialty, we’ve got this in the bag,” they end up falling on their face. However, Sabrina took charge and delivered a really delicious-looking meal from top to bottom. Even the show’s editors (who LOVE to make every challenge seem as if it came down to the wire) had no way of making this look close. The “suspense” was amusingly built around the reveal of the men’s pathetic crepe dessert (courtesy of Dave and Andy). I love that Ramsay just laughed — he couldn’t even really get upset.

As a reward, the women won a trip to the beach and a volleyball lesson from Olympian Annett Davis (random!). Ramsay sentenced the men to prep the kitchen and the show once again tried to kill Robert.

I mean, what other explanation is there? First, the producers bring Robert back, despite the fact that he actually appears to be heavier than he was last year, when he bowed out because of his heart. Now, they make the men ride some sort of circular bicycle contraption (alternate title for this recap: Circle Jerks) UP a hill to fetch ingredients. As a result, Robert took a trip to the emergency room and missed the dinner service. It’s a good thing this is probably all manufactured drama to keep things interesting and that the show isn’t actually trying to kill Robert (right?!)

With Robert missing, the teams were equal — which was perfect because both teams were equally terrible.

Despite struggling a bit with the scallops (I believe that was the first time Ramsay yelled at Ariel), the women got off to a better start. Then came the giant blowup between Ramsay and Tennille, which did NOT disappoint.

Tennille was struggling with her portion sizes, and Ramsay called her “crap”, an insult which Tennille reciprocated. Ramsay kicked her off the line and the two got into a shouting match in a back room. I know I tease this show for being staged and for manufacturing drama, but if this fight was fake, then Tennille (which her tear-streaked face) is one of the best actresses we’ve seen in “Hell’s Kitchen.” I also enjoyed her intense “GET OFF MY STATION — PLEASE!” when she returned.

Unfortunately for the women, Sabrina started crashing and burning. First she misplaced an entire chicken (I loved Ramsay asking if they needed a detective) and sent some tragically undercooked pork into the dining room.

All that being said, I still thought they might pull out the win because the men were ever so slightly worse. Jim took forever in making his risotto, which was too peppery, then too bland and never did get just right. Ramsay compared it to baby food (I wish he would’ve used “baby vomit” again), which prompted Jim to crack, “Baby food is goooood.” (Funny.)

After that, Kevin irked the struggling Dave and Andy (who REALLY sucks) at their respective stations by bossing them around before Ramsay shut both kitchens down and charged each team with coming up with a consensus nominee for elimination.

The women nominated Sabrina, who WAS the worst of the evening and claimed that Tennille should be up there for “walking off the line” (despite the fact that Tennille was temporarily KICKED off by Ramsay). The men, despite having two worthy candidates in Jim and Andy, nominated the absent Robert, which didn’t sit right with Ramsay. Andy (who thought he’d dodged a bullet) was called to the firing line anyway.

Ramsay debated his choices and let go of (needle scratching on record sound) Jim. Huh?! Sure, the fact that Jim isn’t the most outwardly intense person on this show had been hinted at before, but I’ll miss the guy precisely because he was low-key funny and because he didn’t feel like he had to resort to acting like a maniac just because he was on this show.

The reason this firing is a TRULY terrible decision is because Andy is just as lazy/laid-back/ill-suited for the insanity of “Hell’s Kitchen” (he admitted to Chef Ramsay that he was intimidated by him) AND he seems like a much worse cook than Jim.

Oh well, hopefully Jim is relaxing on a couch with a bottle of Gerber and enjoying not being berated anymore.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Robert make it out of this competition alive? Who would you have fired? Finally, where DID that chicken go?