Hell's Kitchen: Pass Interference

Well it was certainly a quieter and considerably less annoying installment of "Hell's Kitchen" as the final three battled for a spot in the finals.

I don't think I've ever missed anyone less than the way I didn't miss Jen last night.

With Her Royal Awfulness gone, we were treated to an uncommonly friendly tussle for the last two spots in next week's finale. Although I was ecstatic to see Jen gone (can you tell?), there was a VERY small part of me that worried without Jen around to unite everyone in hating her, this episode might head into boring territory.

Fortunately, there was plenty going on last night to keep the chefs (and me) busy.

After some requisite and trite "can you believe we made it this far" chatter, the chefs headed downstairs for the week's challenge. Ramsay, however, flipped the script and announced, as a treat, he'd be cooking for the three finalists — and their families.

Two things here: 1.) Why is it anytime contestants on a reality show are reunited with their families, they act like they've spent the past 15 years on Alcatraz instead of the past few weeks on a TV show. I get that "Hell's Kitchen" appears considerably more brutal than most shows, but still. 2.) This is ALWAYS the week (with three contestants left) when families come for a "surprise" visit. Why did no one know this? Do none of them watch the show before trying out? Don't they have a friend that watches to give them tips? If I were trying out for "Hell's Kitchen" I'd become familiar with all things risotto, Wellington, crab cakes, etc. This lack of self-awareness would come into play later.

At least Christina (how adorable was it when she told her parents "I got to ride in a helicopter!") was aware enough to realize this "treat" would have a twist. Indeed, it turned out the chefs would be asked to recreate the Ramsay signature dish they'd just wolfed down.

As a result, I wasn't surprised to see Christina won the challenge (three-peat!), but I was surprised to see by how little. Apparently, Petrozza would've probably won if he had remembered the puree, and Corey would've definitely won if she'd chosen the right meat (venison instead of buffalo).

So off Christina went with Chef Ramsay again (people are going to start rumors about those two) and Christina's family to eat some overly trendy food that would NOT fill me up, but would probably cost north of $200. Meanwhile, Petrozza and Corey had to stay behind and clean the bar (and Corey FINALLY brought back her signature "F---" reaction shot). Although crushing ice sucked, the two were considerably more good-natured about it. Corey got through it by pretending the ice was Jen's face, and I couldn't help but notice how everyone was just generally in a better mood with Jen gone.

Before the dinner service, Ramsay gave the finalists his impromptu acting class in which he teaches "assertiveness" by having the cheflings yell at him. Do I believe this exercise has any real leadership training value in the real world? No. Is it funny? Yes. I thoroughly enjoyed the finalists struggle to channel their inner badass and Ramsay showing why it comes so naturally to him by casually smashing a plate.

Ramsay also informed them they'd each be taking turns leading the kitchen at the head of the pass. What he didn't tell them is that he'd have his sous chefs Scott and Christina intentionally make mistakes and see whether the finalists would catch on. Again, if you've watched this show in the past, you know this is something that always happens, so you should be ready.

Petrozza is a bit of a space cadet, so I'm not sure that even if he knew it was coming he would've caught the fact that the risotto had no peas. His leadership was solid, but the kitchen started to go down in flames under his leadership due to Christina's inability to cook fish. Thankfully, she got it together after a bit.

Corey was next up at the pass, and didn't inspire very much confidence by struggling to read the ticket with the orders. She also failed to pre-taste the incorrect sauce that had been given to her for the Wellington before it was too late.

Fortunately, she made up for it by expertly running the meat station while Christina led. Christina appeared to be the strongest leader of the night, despite getting on sous chef Scott's nerves, who felt like "smacking the s--- out of her." She also caught the batch of mashed potatoes which had been made with basil instead of mint.

Ramsay commended all three on the service again and asked them each to nominate one person for elimination. Eventually, Corey and Petrozza nominated Christina for crapping on the fish station and her inexperience, while Christina nominated Corey for her lack of leadership.

Ramsay said this would be a difficult decision and I agreed with him. However, I also felt fine because I realized I'd be totally ok with any two of these three people making it to the finals (Corey was a bit of a bitch early on, but she won me over).

Since Petrozza didn't get any nominations to be eliminated he sailed to the finals (who'da thunk Mr. Hen in a Pumpkin would be in the finals) leaving the next spot between the two blondes. I know this was allegedly a tough decision, but I don't see any way Ramsay could've picked Corey over someone who'd won three challenges in a row (almost unprecedented in HK).

So now we have our Christina vs. Petrozza final (featuring two giant banners, pictured, right). I haven't liked two reality show finalists so equally since — about a month and a half ago when Whitney and Anya battled for the title of "America's Next Top Model" (and even to a lesser extent last month's all-David "American Idol" finale). What's happening with reality TV? We're getting likable finalists!

So what'd you think of this episode? Was I the only one surprised to see Petrozza had a girlfriend? (Too mean? Probably.) I guess Corey's BF hadn't seen the episode where she stripped down to her undies and tried to entice the men into the hot tub, right? Who would want mint in their mashed potatoes instead of basil? Finally, who you got? Petrozza or Christina? (I'm going with Christina, but my feelings would NOT be hurt at all if good guy Petrozza wins.)

Get Smart Review

Isn't it annoying when a movie's trailer and TV commercials give away all of its jokes?

Well, I was afraid that might be the case with "Get Smart." On top of the TV spots I saw at home, I go to the movies a lot (as you may have noticed) so I've been "treated" to AMC Cinemas' extended behind the scenes look at "Get Smart" for the better part of a month where a lot of the movie's gags were inevitably revealed.

I'm happy to report that not ALL of its jokes have been spoiled — I'd estimate I'd already seen about 75 percent of its funny moments. Still, when you consider how many jokes had been given away, that still leaves plenty of funny to go around.

As you probably know, "Get Smart" is an update of the 1960's Cold War comedy spy series of the same name, which followed CONTROL agents Maxwell Smart and his fetching partner (I don't get to write the word "fetching" very often, but it works here) Agent 99, as they battled evil organization KAOS.

I have slightly-more-than-vague memories of watching reruns of the show when I was a kid, so I was delighted to see the movie reference the original series multiple times, as well as retain much of the show's silly spirit and charm (or as much wit and charm as you can retain in a big summer action comedy) without being stuck in the past.

The movie also cleverly updates the show's storyline — CONTROL, now thought to be defunct, still operates in secrecy as it battles KAOS in the new century.

Maxwell Smart (Steve Carell) is now an analyst who dreams of being field agent like his idol, Agent 23 (Dwayne "Don't call me 'The Rock'" Johnson). When CONTROL is infiltrated by KAOS agents, Max is thrust into the field along with Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway). The rest of the plot isn't very strong, but it doesn't really matter — it's just an excuse for putting Max and 99 in funny situations as they do battle with bad guys led by a man named Siegfried (Terrence Stamp).

I really like Carell, Johnson and Hathaway separately, so it was a treat to see them in the same movie.

My bias toward anyone involved in U.S. version of "The Office" is well-documented and especially strong when it comes to Carell (I stand by my decision of naming "Dan in Real Life" my second favorite movie of last year). I bring up "The Office" because his performance as Maxwell Smart as a well-meaning, but occasionally incompetent buffoon who ends up coming through in an odd way is closest to his work as Michael Scott on the TV show. In fact, watching him in "Get Smart" made me think I was watching the screenplay his "Office" character wrote, "Threat Level: Midnight," in which he plays "Agent Michael Scarn" alongside Catherine Zeta-Jones. (Here's what "The Office" would look like if it were a spy thriller).

Instead of Catherine Zeta-Jones, Carell spends most of his time with Anne Hathaway, who ends up giving what is probably the movie's strongest performance. The two leads have good comedic chemistry and she's a much more credible action star than Carell (or at least Carell's stunt double, since that's who we see most of the time). I also really appreciated the fact that the script cleverly addressed the age difference between Carell and Hathaway, making their relationship considerably less icky.

Johnson gives another appealing performance as 23, and I actually wish he had a little more screen time. The movie is also populated by funny actors in small supporting roles, including Alan Arkin as The Chief (any movie in which Alan Arkin gets to kick a little ass is ok by me), underused Terry Crews as Agent 91, and Ken Davitian ("Borat") as a henchman. Also, there's Bill Murray in a tree.

Masi Oka and Nate Torrence try (and mostly fail) to score some laughs as a pair of geeky techies, but I'm assuming all of their good jokes have been saved for their characters' spinoff.

Since the movie is supposed to be an action-comedy, I was happy to see "Get Smart" also held up the "action" part of the equation. The movie has several surprisingly exciting and credible action sequences, including a skydiving fight and the climactic highway chase.

"Get Smart" doesn't break any new comedic ground, but as far as super-mainstream American comedies go you can watch with the family (if you don't mind brief rear nudity) this one delivers.

I just wish I hadn't seen or heard most of the jokes before I stepped into the theatre.

Get Smart...B-

The Happening Review

I think M. Night Shyamalan is one of the most talented filmmakers working today and he's one of my favorites.

I believe "Unbreakable" is an underappreciated masterpiece and "Signs" would be in my top 3 Most Fun Times I've Ever Had Seeing a Movie in Theatres if I ever bothered to compile such a list. Hell, I even thought "Lady in the Water" was interesting to watch if you somehow managed not to drown in all the self-indulgence.

I mentioned "Signs" because it's the Shyamalan flick that comes closest to his latest offering, "The Happening." Both films are character studies framed by a catastrophic, perhaps otherworldly event. The main difference is that, while "Signs" was immensely enjoyable for me in theatres, "The Happening" is unbelievably bad.

I mean that — I literally could NOT believe how bad it was.

"Happening" opens promisingly enough with two New Yorkers chatting in Central Park and one of them spontaneously killing themselves. We're then shown a mass suicide by construction workers as they leap off the top of a building. Both of these scenes, which are undoubtedly striking, would have probably been more effective if we hadn't already seen them in TV commercials.

Eventually we learn the northeastern United States is under siege by some sort of unexplained chemical attack that appears to paralyze its victims before imploring them to commit suicide.

The movie follows Elliot and Alma Moore (Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel) and a small group of survivors as they elude the mysterious and deadly happening.

I'm not going to give too much away here, but that's mostly because the movie never fully explains the source of the attack — and I'm fine with that. I'm even fine with the movie's overtly environmental bent. Sure, some people may get annoyed by it, but I think showing respect for all living things is a worthy message.

The problem is that the movie is relentlessly stupid and probably features the worst acting you'll see all year.

I like Mark Wahlberg, and I buy him as a cocky porn star, as well as a foul-mouthed Boston cop. However, he is embarrassingly bad in this movie. Not only does he make for the least convincing science teacher (as well as the least convincing "Elliot") in the history of the world, but there's a scene where he gets out-acted by a plastic plant.

I'm not even kidding.

Zooey Deschanel doesn't fare much better. Sure, she's absolutely adorable, but her quirky performance looks like it belongs in another movie and seems totally off. On the other hand, John Leguizamo is the one cast member who managed to be affecting, so, of course, Shyamalan removes him from the main storyline relatively early on. Shyamalan also sprinkles in a couple of mildly amusing, but contrived "quirky" characters, like a hot dog-obsessed botanist and a crazy lady named Mrs. Jones (Betty Buckley).

Shyamalan — like his most obvious influence, Alfred Hitchcock — appears to favor intentionally stilted dialogue in acting. The difference is that Hitchcock had actors like James Stewart and Cary Grant delivering that dialogue. Shyamalan himself has found success in the past with actors like Bruce Willis, Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix and Samuel L. Jackson giving strong performances in his films. Unfortunately, Wahlberg and Deschanel just CANNOT sell Shyamalan's style in "Happening."

I respect the fact that Shyamalan always tries to produce original work, but his attempts to do so in this film fail for the most part. One example is his decision to represent the impending presence of the deadly "happening" by — a gentle wind rustling through trees and grass. I get that he was probably trying to make something you wouldn't expect to be sinister, into something terrifying, but it really just ends up looking stupid. I'm in Tampa, where it's unbearably hot — if I see a nice breeze, I'm running TOWARDS it.

And about the much buzzed-about fact that this is Shyamalan's first R-rated movie? Well, Shyamalan certainly doesn't pull any punches in showing us some gruesome deaths. However, it comes off more like Shyamalan saying "look what I can do with an R-rating" than it actually serving the story. I think it may have been more effective to show some restraint, cut away and use the power of suggestion in certain instances, but that's just my opinion, I could be wrong. Then again, I'm fairly sure the R-rating is what allowed Shyamalan to kill children.

Of course, what stops this movie from being a COMPLETE disaster is that there are a few striking visuals (the film's opening sequence) courtesy of cinematographer Tak Fujimoto, a frequent collaborator of Shyamalan's. It's also pretty funny. Of course, it's not really funny on purpose (except for Mrs. Jones, I think), but it's still good for a few chuckles. If Shyamalan REALLY wanted to score a laugh, he should've played the guy that gets eaten alive by lions.

Then I remember that this is a movie from one of the most purely talented filmmakers in America, and "The Happening" stops being funny and it gets a little sad. I'd be curious to see what Shyamalan would come up with if he directed someone else's script.

That's just one suggestion, but I'd love to hear others. Shyamalan is too good to be directing the worst movie I've seen this year.

The Happening...D

The Incredible Hulk Review

If there were a list of recent movies no one really wants to see revisited, you would think Academy Award winner Ang Lee's 2003 take on the "Hulk" would be near the top of the list (personally, I'd rather see someone remake "The Da Vinci Code," but make it, you know, exciting).

I actually admire the fact that Lee tried to make a heady and (capital "s") Serious comic book movie. The problem, in my opinion, was that he didn't make a serious movie — he made a dull movie. The 2003 film featured the Hulk fighting a mutant poodle — I'm pretty sure that whenever a mutant poodle shows up, your film is automatically disqualified from being Serious.

Either way, Marvel recently decided to crank out its own movies based on their most beloved comic book characters and gave the big green guy another shot, resulting in "The Incredible Hulk" (You see it's different because THIS Hulk is "incredible").

Actually, it's different because, instead of hiring the director of "Sense and Sensibility", the studio hired the action-oriented Louis Leterrier ("The Transporter 2", "Danny the Dog").

So is the new "Incredible Hulk" better than the previous movie? Obviously, opinions and tastes will vary. What I will say is, um, yes. The "Hulk" is certainly more exciting and entertaining than its predecessor, which (hello!) is what you usually look for in a comic book/superhero movie (especially one about a huge green guy who smashes stuff). Then again, I could just be feeling all the "Hulk" love since they gave me a free poster with my movie ticket — apparently, I look like I'm 12 years old. I also thought it was weird that no one else seemed to have a poster.

Anyway, you may have heard this is neither a sequel nor a remake of the previous film, but — after a brisk and entertaining opening credits sequence (screw all the origin crap) — it does pick up where the last movie left off, with Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) on the run and with General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross (William Hurt) hot on his trail.

Banner is hiding in Brazil, struggling to cope with his condition (using meditation and breathing exercises) and trying to find a cure. Meanwhile, Ross wants to capture Banner and harness his power to create super soldiers. To that end, Ross enlists the services of decorated soldier Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth) to help track Banner down.

The first thing Leterrier does right is NOT make us wait nearly an hour to see the Hulk. I don't think I have A.D.D. at all, but if I'm paying to see the Hulk, I want to see the big guy in action. On that front, Leterrier definitely delivers with an exciting chase through the streets of Brazil, as well as the film's highlight, a confrontation against the military on a college campus.

The film was also smart to actually give the Hulk a worthy adversary in Blonsky, who eventually becomes the Abomination. Watching the Hulk take on someone his own size is a hell of a lot more entertaining than watching him take down countless military personnel. Unfortunately, the climactic fight between these two, while technically impressive, is not nearly as engaging as I hoped it would be.

Lest you think the movie is just a smash-fest, the script by Zak Penn (on which Norton also did a lot of uncredited work) contains plenty of humor, and references sure to delight comic book and old-school Hulk fans (the now-requisite Stan Lee cameo, original Hulk Lou Ferrigno as a security guard and the voice of the Hulk, among others).

Speaking of Norton (one of the very best actors of his generations), he delivers another strong performance, but what else is new? The only problem is that he just can't help but give off that faint "I'm slumming in a comic book movie" vibe, but he still makes us sympathize with Banner.

The rest of the cast doesn't fare quite as well. Liv Tyler is adequate as love interest Betty Ross and has decent chemistry with Norton, but there just isn't very much for her to do. The same could be said for Roth (another fine actor), who is fine here, but probably could have been a little more menacing as Blonsky. Worst of all, is Hurt, wildly overacting as the obsessed Ross. Oh well, at least watching him ham it up with his silly hairpiece is funny (but he can't hold a candle to Sam Elliott's near-perfect portrayal of Ross in the last "Hulk", probably the highlight of that movie). I also thoroughly enjoyed Tim Blake Nelson's nutty portrayal of Dr. Samuel Sterns, who's a little too in awe of the "Hulk." I also found it fascinating, puzzling and a little sad to see Michael K. Williams (who portrayed one of the most fascinating characters in recent TV history - Omar on "The Wire") reduced to a silent cameo during Abomination's rampage.

Then again, we all know this isn't exactly supposed to be an actor's showcase. "The Incredible Hulk" is meant to be a fun summer action movie, and it definitely delivers on that front. In fact, I'd say it the best pure action movie of the year.

I still like "Iron Man" (Marvel's other summer movie) a little better overall (because Tony Stark is a LOT more interesting than Bruce Banner), but the action in the "Hulk" blows away the action in "Iron Man". Additionally, despite a few dangling plot threads, the non-action parts are interesting enough to hold your interest until Hulk goes smash.

I guess some things ARE worth revisiting.

The Incredible Hulk...B+

Hell's Kitchen: The Mother of All Challenges

To be honest, I'm not feeling so hot right now, so forgive me if this "Hell's Kitchen" column feels a little phoned in (though I can take comfort in the fact that it can't possibly be more phoned-in than Lamar Odom's performance in the NBA Finals).

Fortunately for me, there isn't that much to write about this week because, in the season's most shocking twist of all, the final four chef's actually did a really good job, prompting smiles and high fives from Chef Ramsay (in a nice change of pace from his usual garbage can kicking and banging-head-on-tables).

I was even thoroughly impressed by Jen (pictured, left) last night — just when I think she can't possibly get any worse, she puts on a pathetically fake nice-girl act and throws in some voter fraud for good measure.

Before the week's challenge, Jen smartly tried to get on her team's good side by saying she understood why Christina put her up for elimination. Unfortunately, in trying to show kindness and humility, Jen turned in the most unconvincing performance since this one.

Ramsay hyped this week's challenge so much that the chefs were speculating who they may be cooking for (really, Jen? Beyonce?!) Of course, the special guests turned out to be 80 decidedly unfamous pregnant women and the chefs had to prepare a lunch dish for them.

It's probably not good that the most appealing one to me was Petrozza's monte cristo, which really DID look (as Jen pointed out) like "a heart attack wrapped in a stroke." I would say the second most appealing to me was Corey's salmon B.L.T, but she never really got around to finishing the damn thing. Meanwhile, Jen cooked up a calypso grouper and Christina opted for and island turkey sandwich with curried avocado (eww, curry).

Corey came in last and claimed that she would've done much better if the competition were judged by men. Methinks her loss had more to do with the fact that her food wasn't ready on time. Me also thinks that she's not nearly as good looking as she thinks she is. In the end, Christina beat out Petrozza by two votes, and earned a Beverly Hills shopping spree with Chef Ramsay.

Christina's second challenge win in a row, also earned further scorn from Corey and self-proclaimed fashionista Jen, who were left behind with Petrozza to clean up the kitchen. Petrozza solidified his position as the nicest guy in the world (or at least reality TV) by refusing to dish Christina behind her back, despite the fact that he was the only one who might have been legitimately upset (because he lost by such a small margin). Also, for the second week in a row, Jen ate someone else's leftovers, which is actually like eating garbage. (If you eat something some else throws away, you're kinda eating garbage — sorry.) Also, I'm pretty sure if you eat something someone else throws away, you can't win "Hell's Kitchen" (or anything else really, except maybe "Flavor of Love").

Meanwhile, Christina and Ramsay went on a "Pretty Woman"-ish shopping spree. The only thing missing was a snooty store clerk. Ramsay also encouraged Christina to sex it up a bit and commented that she looked like Elizabeth Hurley. No offense to Christina (who is pretty and I like and I want her to win), but Ramsay must've been using the same goggles that Corey must use to look at herself in the mirror when he said this.

When Christina returned to the kitchen with a positive attitude she was greeted with a freezing cold shoulder (or maybe it was edited that way) until Nicest Guy in the World Petrozza broke the ice.

As I mentioned at the top, there really isn't much to say about the service because it was, by far, the best this season. The only noteworthy events were the fact that Jen only works hard when Ramsay's around and yelling at her (no surprise) and that Petrozza is a pig in the kitchen, but still delivers good food (we've seen this the past three weeks).

The earth-shattering moment teased in last week's previews where Ramsay burned his hand (twice!) turned out to be Christina's fault, but the good service must've had Ramsay in a mood, because this turned out to be a non-issue. Ramsay had threatened to kick the culprit out, but instead just gave her a stern talking to. Maybe he realized he should've been grabbing those pans with a rag or a mitt in the first place. I know I do that in my kitchen out of habit, even when I know a pan is safe.

Still, the goodwill ended when Ramsay reminded them someone would have to go home. The teams had to come to a consensus on two people for the chopping block. The four decided to write down the names of the two who should be up for elimination and put them in a hat. Christina's name came up three times. The only problem was that Christina didn't vote for herself and Corey said she didn't vote for her either. Since Petrozza is the nicest guy in the world, it was pretty easy to deduce that Jen wrote Christina's name twice. Nice try, genius, but if you're going to try to pull this off, maybe you should do it when there's more than four people and you're not so obviously the culprit.

Jen ended up going to the firing line along with Corey who volunteered. It was a risky move for Corey, but also the right move. If Christina or Petrozza had gone up there, I think Ramsay would've smelled a rat and maybe given Jen a(nother) free pass. While pleading her case Corey smartly brought up the fact that she's actually honest and able to work with other people, while Jen went with the "it would mean so much to me and my family" thing (sorry Jen, I'm pretty sure Roseann already used that one up this year).

Anyway, we all said bye to Jen. I can't possibly overstate how not sorry I am to see her go.

So what'd you think of this episode? Who the hell knew that Petrozza would be the last guy standing and in the top 3 after his "I'm done" meltdown? Who do you see winding up in the final 2? Finally, is there ANYONE worse than Jen?

Random Thought of the Moment: NBA Finals Edition

Sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that real life can be like the movies and the good guys (Kevin Garnett, pictured, right) can win and the bad guys can lose (there is WAY too much stuff I could link to that shows Kobe's a bad guy, so I'll let you take a trip to Google and do your own search — seriously, it's fascinating).

That is all.

Sex and the City: The Movie Review

I have to say, I was one of those people who didn't really buy the ending to six-season run of HBO's "Sex and the City."

I was in the camp that thought it was a little too convenient to have these four flawed, but otherwise strong and independent women neatly paired off and everything wrapped up in a pretty little bow in the end. Eventually, I softened a bit, and I could see the appeal of a fairy-tale conclusion.

Still, with the much-anticipated big-screen version hitting theatres, I couldn't help but wonder (zoom in on my laptop for the next sentence)...what the hell else is there left to cover for a two-hour movie.

The answer, unfortunately, is not that much.

Whenever I watch a movie based on a TV show (especially a recent TV show), I prefer for the movie to take advantage of the fact that it's a feature-length film (think the "South Park" movie) as opposed to feeling like a solid, but overlong episode (think "The Simpsons Movie").

"Sex and the City" is a strange animal in that it falls somewhere in between. The storyline is certainly more epic, with Major Events occurring in the characters' lives, but there's enough of the old TV show (Carrie's narration, the excruciating puns) to keep it from truly breaking out.

The movie opens with a brief and clever opening-credit sequence that recaps each of the four female leads' stories for people who may not be familiar with the show. I would've liked it even better if Fergie's AWFUL "Labels or Love" weren't playing the entire time. Also, that was probably the last time anything in the movie was targeted at new fans.

I actually don't mind the fact that the movie solely exists to please fans that haven't seen these characters in a while. The problem is when a movie's more interested in putting its actresses in outrageous outfits and showing off impossibly stylish apartments than it is in, you know, presenting a compelling and interesting story, it makes for a less than enjoyable time for a non-hardcore "Sex" fan like me. Maybe if the movie theatre I went to served cosmopolitans, I would've had a better time — then again, they charged me $4.25 for a bottle of water, so I'm assuming a cosmo would cost in the neighborhood of $72, but I digress.

It's impossible for me to talk about the movie even a little without revealing certain plot points. I'm not going to give anything major away, but still, consider this your ***MILD SPOILER ALERT***.

The first portion of the movie is dominated by the Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) and Big relationship. Despite appearing perfectly happy, the two spontaneously decide to tie the knot. Unfortunately, circumstances which I won't detail here lead to the wedding not going as planned, and the four women heading to Mexico for some bonding.

It's here that the movie becomes more like a "Sex and the City" episode as we get more into each character's life and conflicts. Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) is still living in Brooklyn with Steve (David Eigenberg), while Samantha (Kim Cattrall) has relocated to Hollywood with actor-boyfriend Smith (Jason Lewis).

While Parker, Nixon and Cattrall do fine work (they DO have some practice playing these characters after all), I found their characters to be thoroughly unlikable. Carrie was particularly annoying throughout. Parker still has GREAT chemistry with Big (still played impressively by Chris Noth with an odd combo of charm and detachment). But the character didn't have her trademark spunk and I feel like Parker WAY overplayed Carrie's depression (I kept expecting her to pull out the "Don't Jump" book Owen Wilson was reading in "Wedding Crashers"). Meanwhile, Nixon did solid work with the movie's most dramatic arc, while Cattrall, as usual, scores the most laughs with her crass comments.

Still, I don't really blame the actresses. I blame writer-director Michael Patrick King, who was making his feature-film directing debut and it shows. The show ended like a fairy tale, so King had to somehow manufacture conflict for the movie. But since this is a movie for the fans, said conflict had to be mostly resolved by the end. Except, of course, in the case of Charlotte (Kristin Davis) — King barely bothered in coming up with a real storyline for her. Fortunately, that didn't stop Davis from stealing almost every scene she was in.

The fact that there had to be conflict leads to numerous retreads and plot inconsistencies. As a result, we have to sit through even more Carrie/Big drama (because six seasons wasn't enough). Also, I personally don't believe Steve would've done what he did to Miranda, and though the result Samantha/Smith relationship makes sense to me, King still managed to make it feel forced.

The movie is actually full of weird contradictions like that one. The movie's biggest problem is that it's too damn long. Still, despite clocking in at 145 minutes, King still manages to shortchange a few of the show's beloved characters. Personally, I would've cut out the visit to the fashion show, the Mexico trip and Jennifer Hudson's character (the scenes with her and Parker are, by far, the most painful). The story would've been pretty much exactly the same and King could've given more time to Stanford, Anthony, Harry and company.

This is probably the most uneven movie I've seen this year, but I'll stop writing now because I don't want this review to become as overlong as the movie.

Sex and the City: The Movie...D+

Hell's Kitchen: Breasts in Show

So my girl Erica and I were breaking down "Hell's Kitchen" a few hours before last night's episode.

She asked me who I thought would go home and I responded "Bobby. Maybe Petrozza." She then asked who I liked to win the show. After realizing that I wouldn't really want any of the five remaining chefs running my lemonade stand, much less a restaurant, I settled on Corey vs. Christina in the final two, with Christina (pictured, right) winning it all after she teared up, but still managed to stand up for herself during last week's elimination.

Nothing I saw last night changed my mind about what I wrote in the previous paragraph.

Petrozza opened the show by saying "now that Matt's gone, it's anybody's game," and I opened the show by thinking to myself "I'm pretty sure it was anybody's game while Matt was still there." Maybe Petrozza was referring to the fact that Matt the Eagle was about to snap and kill everyone in the restaurant.

Unfortunately, the title of "most likely to snap and kill everyone in the restaurant" has been inherited by Jen. I've already spent WAY too many words describing how awful she is, so I'll just say that I was glad to see everyone else on the show seems to share that opinion.

Another thing I worried about heading into last night's show was how the show would deal with the crushing loss of Matt the Eagle and his priceless facial expressions. Well, quite simply put — boobs!

The challenge this week was for the five finalists to teach a group of students how to cook Chef Ramsay's lobster spaghetti. Of course (since this is Fox) the students were five ridiculously tanned and busty cougars (I figured I'd use the word "cougar" since I'm fairly sure the term is about to be over.) Also, where were the male models for the women? After all, there were three women and only two men in the challenge.

Either way, the chefs began work with their students, who claimed to have never cooked in their lives (how is this possible?) At least Corey's student said she had heard of pasta. Meanwhile, Jen kept trying to cheat by cooking for her student, while Petrozza managed to avoid hitting his student with his erection as he helped her tie on her apron.

The challenge came down to Corey and Christina, with Christina's student edging ahead with the win. This resulted in Corey shooting Christina a dirty look, but NOT (for the third week in a row) in Corey's patented "F---" reaction. Ramsay also gave the cougars cookware they're never going to use in their lives — except maybe as a piss pot for Zeus the dog.

For her reward, Christina got to pick the brains of Chef Ramsay and two pseudo-celebrity chefs whose names I didn't bother writing down during a lunch at Hell's Kitchen. Unfortunately, Jen insisted on horning in on Christina's reward by eavesdropping on her lunch, and I was very disappointed that Ramsay didn't yell for her to "Get out!" Have I mentioned that I hate Jen? Also, Bobby and Petrozza HAVE to be tired of cleaning, right?

After Christina returned from her reward, the show was edited to make Christina sound like a bossy and annoying know-it-all. Nice try, Fox, I'm on to your tricks.

Unfortunately, Jean-Philippe wasn't on to the glass door as he slammed into it right before the start of the dinner service. I was delighted to see this would be the beginning of some relatively extended screen time for Jean- Philippe.

The service started promisingly, with Christina getting the appetizers out, but hit a snag when Bobby and, eventually, Jen started screwing up the steak and fish, respectively. Jen watched Bobby undercook the steak and said "I don't do s--- like that" so, of course, she went on to undercook AND overcook the steak. Nice job out of you Jen.

While Jen struggled with the fish, Jean-Philippe implored his staff to "push the meat", while I tried in vain to not snicker from the sight of Jean-Philippe telling someone else to "push the meat." I also thought it was adorable, later on, how he pretended to be smitten by and attracted to the 12 bikini models. We all know his heart belongs to Chef Ramsay.

Back in the kitchen, Petrozza combined forces with Jen and Bobby to form a powerful Trio of Sucktitude. Trezzie inexplicably brought a fish to the pass way too early causing Ramsay to wrongly chew out Jen, who tried to explain, but got yelled at for talking back. It would've been nice for Petrozza to step up here and admit his mistake, but that guy is such a space cadet, he probably didn't realize what he did wrong.

Still, he's nothing compared to Bobby. While he tried to maintain his air of blissfully unaware cockiness, Bobby finally cracked a little for the first time last night, letting Ramsay's insults get to him.

On the other hand, I loved that Corey acknowledged the fact that she and Christina hate each other (it's true, check the first two episodes), but somehow manage to work together. That's what it's all about — getting the job done when conditions are less than ideal or even if you despise the person next to you.

Christina was deemed the best last night and had to nominate two people for elimination. I initially thought she made a mistake in having Jen (and not Petrozza) join Bobby on the chopping block. (Why'd it have to be the two black people, huh?) But when I thought about it, Jen was actually worse than Trezzie in the kitchen last night.

Still, I KNOW Christina made a mistake by saying Jen should go home over Bobby when Ramsay asked her. That answer was clearly motivated by her personal feelings toward Jen, and since Ramsay usually sniffs that kind of thing out, he fired Bobby anyway.

I have to admit, I'll slightly miss General Black Gordon Ramsay and his wild delusions. Actually, that's not really true — I'm just bummed Jen's still around.

So what'd you think of this episode? Erica and I aren't the only ones breaking down "Hell's Kitchen" when it's not on, right? What's the male equivalent of a cougar? Finally, is there ANYTHING that can stop a Corey vs. Christina final?

Random Thought of the Moment: Crappy ABC Game Show Edition

So, I'm sitting here watching Game 3 of the NBA Finals, and I'm shocked to find out...ABC's "Wipeout" and "I Survived A Japanese Game Show" are actually two different shows!

I've been seeing commercials for this junk throughout the Finals, but I just assumed that the same channel wouldn't roll out, not one, but two, stupid-looking game shows with people eating it in a wide variety of ways. I honestly thought it was the same show. Nice job, ABC. It's not like you could be showing reruns of "Dirty Sexy Money" or "Pushing Daisies,two shows that I missed during the fall and could get into during the summer.

Also, if I want to see people eating it in a wide variety of ways on a game show, I'll tune into G4's "Unbeatable Banzuke" or "Ninja Warrior", thank you very much. That is all.

Random Thought of the Moment: AT&T Commercial Edition

You've seen the commercials.

Personally, I think they're pretty funny and effective. Especially the "dillweed" spot set in a bar (Erica and I can be found randomly shouting "the ace of spades!" at each other).

Anyway, this thought occurred to me about a month ago — do you think it would be cheaper to find and hire twins for these commercials or to use special effects (which I'm pretty sure is happening here)?

(Yes, these are the sort of things that cross my mind. Stay tune for more inconsequential queries like these with the summer season here, and most of the shows I write about gone.)

It seems to me it'd be cheaper to hire twins, but then again what do I know?

Hell's Kitchen: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Matt World

Previews touted this week's episode of "Hell's Kitchen" as the one in which Matt the Eagle finally loses his mind.

While I'd argue that it's impossible for someone like Matt (pictured, left) — who's already a loon — to go crazy, he and his eyebrows and sweatband sure worked overtime to convince me otherwise last night.

At the end of last week's episode, Ramsay reunited Matt with the men and put Jen back on the women's team. That prompted Petrozza to wonder, "What the hell is Matt still doing here?" while Christina said she was "sick of seeing" Jen. I can't recall ever agreeing with two statements.

Of course, each reunion turned out to be rather pointless as Chef Ramsay blindfolded the chefs, took them to the roof of the restaurant the winner will be running (Lord help those poor customers) and merged the teams into one. Ramsay also showed off a briefcase which allegedly contained $250,000, which prompted Matt to curse with wonder. Apparently, he's the only person in America who actually thought he had a chance of winning that thing (and I'm not just saying that because I've seen the end of this episode). Jen said, "I'm gonna get this or die trying." Personally, I think she'd have a much better chance of winning if the show were called "Be a Bitch or Die Tryin'" and it was hosted by 50 Cent.

The week's challenge (another good one) involved the chefs working on their own for the first time and creating a meal from an assigned ingredient in 45 minutes. Shockingly, most everyone did a good job, except maybe for Corey who didn't use her entire lobster. I mean, Matt's dish didn't make Ramsay barf, which counts as a major triumph. Whenever I think this group of people is starting to put things together (as in this week's challenge) and I feel confident enough to let them run, at least, a Wendy's, something horrible happens — more on the dinner service later.

The winner came down to Christina and Jen, with Jen (and some theatrics, according to Corey) winning a trip to Vegas and a chance to meet last year's winner, Rock (Jen's victory prompted me to imitate Corey's patented "F--- reaction shot"). Jen had to choose one person to bring along and she chose Corey because, um, actually, I don't understand why the hell she chose Corey.

My favorite part of the trip was Corey complaining about Jen being fake even as Corey was acting all excited and buddying up to Jen on her trip, completely oblivious to the irony fairy that flitted in and out of these scenes.

Back in hell('s kitchen), the losers had to unload a delivery of food supplies and Matt went completely nutty, opening cursing his teammates. He especially zeroed in on Christina, who had taken on a leadership role (which the men have shown they need) and handled Matt's insults remarkably well. The irony fairy swooped in and hit Matt the Eagle across the head with her wand when he criticized Christina for all the cellulite on her ass. Bobby was right — our boy was going "Full Metal Jacket" on us.

After a mostly uninteresting visit between Jen's breasts, Corey and Rock, the two women returned to "Hell's Kitchen" for the dinner service, which would also include Jen's winning dish. Meanwhile, Matt and Christina continued to snipe at each other, though, to be fair, Matt was being snippy with everybody.

I love how they had Ramsay come in, pretend to be completely oblivious to these shenanigans and then end up putting Matt and Christina in the same station (meats). Well played, Fox, but I'm on to you.

Whatever goodwill the chefs may have built up during this week's challenge completely vanished during dinner service. EVERYONE was brutal. Petrozza was messy (again). Corey cried and then burned her hand. Matt burned a pan (and probably some steaks). Jen burned rice. Christina watched rice burn and (in a very Petrozza move) tried to cook chicken and steak in the same pan. Finally, Bobby was his usual, blissfully ignorant self, claiming he had no trouble following Ramsay's orders as he screwed them up. In an odd way, he might actually have the mental makeup to make it to the finals — NOTHING fazes him. Whether it's Ramsay yelling at him or, you know, getting a food order correctly, Bobby always meets everything with the same oblivious attitude.

Someone who most certainly does NOT have the mental makeup to win this show is Matt. By the time Ramsay asked him what the order was and Matt responded, "I don't know now", I realized what were seeing last night was the equivalent of his brain frying, melting and then oozing out of his ears.

Eventually, he claimed to have a migraine and was sent upstairs by Ramsay. He was soon joined by the rest of the chefs after Ramsay kicked them all out (but disappointingly refused to yell "shut-tit-down!"). Ramsay asked the team to nominate two people for elimination and then Matt the Eagle asked to have a brief heart to heart. Ramsay told him to act like a man and convinced him not to quit and fight for his spot. I'm convinced Ramsay just wanted the pleasure of firing him. After all, he wouldn't be able to come up with a limerick if he'd just let Matt walk away.

Joining Matt on the firing line for the least suspenseful elimination EVER were Corey (who showed some accountability and put herself up there, unlike other *cough* Jen *cough* people) and Christina, who acquitted herself quite nicely with a genuine speech about how the fact that she's only been cooking PROFESSIONALLY for only three years means she'll only work harder to learn during her time on the show.

So what'd you think of this episode? What's up with the previews for next week with all the models? Which was funnier: Bobby saying "Matt deserves to get kicked off the universe" or Petrozza saying "I'll be relieved when Matt's in a different state — lock the door behind that guy"? Finally, you're going to miss Matt a little, aren't you?

The Strangers Review

So how did my soon-to-be-15-year-old brother and I follow "The Chronicles of Narnia" sequel during a movie outing over the weekend? Well, we went to see "The Strangers", of course, which looked absolutely terrifying thanks to its very scary and effective marketing campaign.

Fortunately, my brother Joey is one of those kids these days that are mostly desensitized to gore and violence that would've had me hiding under the seat at his age. Unfortunately, the movie ended up being a bit of a letdown.

First-time writer/director Bryan Bertino's movie starts out promisingly enough. We get a "Texas Chainsaw Masscre"-esque message letting us know this was "inspired by true events" and we also get glimpses at the aftermath of the carnage we're about to see.

We soon meet James and Kristen (Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler doing nice work) a couple whose relationship is on the rocks that is spending the weekend at James' family's secluded summer home. The couple first receives a surprise and truly creepy visit from a disoriented young woman. Without giving too much away, things get pretty nightmarish from there on out.

The first third of his film is absolutely a success. Bertino establishes the tension in James and Kristen's relationship with little dialogue so that, when James seems irritated and skeptical of Kristen's fears, it makes more sense than in other horror movies. The director also displays a stylish flair for understatement, slowly letting the dread and fear build — the appearance of the first assailant in James and Kristen's house is a GREAT "jump out of your seat" moment!

Unfortunately, as the movie went on, I started to see some chinks in the movie's armor. The characters started making decisions which were as spectacularly stupid as those in other, lesser horror flicks. The three attackers (who wore creepy masks) also appeared to acquire supernatural abilities which allowed them to be in one place one moment and then be completely gone without making a sound.

As the 90-minute movie flew past the one-hour mark, I realized all we were watching was the opening sequence of "Scream" stretched out to feature length. Don't get me wrong — I LOVE the opening sequence of "Scream", but there's a reason it's only about 15 minutes long.

Some people aren't going to like the relentlessly dark and (arguably) sadistic movie, but I didn't have a huge problem with the subject matter. I work for a newspaper and, at least, a few times a week I shake my head at the horrible things people do to one another.

My main problem with this movie is that it started out very promisingly and impressively (I'm curious to see whether Bertino has something else up his sleeve) only to devolve into another standard horror flick.

Also, the film's final shot is an embarrassingly cheap, dumb trick and single-handedly made me drop it down half a letter grade.

The Strangers...C+

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian Review

I didn't get on the "Narnia" train until very recently.

In fact, I hadn't even seen the first movie until Friday night because I was planning on seeing the second flick the next day. (Apparently that's how I spend my Friday nights when my girlfriend's out of town — watching "The Chronicles of Narnia" alone at home on my DVR.)

I'm not at all familiar with the books, but then again I don't really care. My belief is that a movie (even if it's from a book I've read) should be able to stand and deliver on its own, regardless of what was taken out or put in from the book.

The first "Narnia" movie was a decent fantasy ride. I can definitely see why it inspired a gangsta rap. The second film, in my opinion, is ever so slightly better.

In "Prince Caspian" we get reacquainted with the Pevensie siblings (Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy) one year after the events in the first flick. Of course, after THEY get on the Narnia train, they find out that 1,300 years have passed in Narnia, and the land they knew has been taken over by the brutal Telmarines, who have all but extinguished the kingdom's magical creatures.

The Pevensie siblings have been summoned back by Prince Caspian, the rightful heir to Narnia's throne, after Caspian's eeeevil uncle Miraz tries to kill him and take control of the kingdom.

This film takes what's now become a customary turn to a more darker tone in kid-friendly franchise flicks — and mostly pulls it off. This movie is certainly busier than "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" (which only really had one major battle in the end). The sequence where the siblings and Caspian storm Miraz's castle is the highlight of the film, which is slightly unfortunate since it comes at about the halfway point. The final battle is competent, but mostly just reminds of earlier (and better) battle sequences.

However, I WAS impressed by how credible the five main young actors were in their action sequences (I mean, they're kids mostly!), and I was even more impressed by the performances of the actors playing the four siblings. They have an easy chemistry and this film allowed them to play a more interesting dynamic.

Though they still obviously look young, their characters are actually more than 1,000 years old and they do a nice job of conveying weariness and wisdom beyond their years. Usually when kids do this in movies it's annoying, but in this flick, it makes perfect sense. Still, as in the first movie, Skandar Keynes as Edmund (though underused) pretty much blows everyone else away.

Unfortunately, that includes Ben Barnes as the title character. Barnes certainly looks the part of a movie star, and I get that Caspian is sort of growing into his thrown, but he still ends up coming off as a bit whiny and more than a little vacant.

Also, while he makes for a perfectly hissable villain Sergio Castellito's Miraz is a bit of a letdown (especially after seeing Tilda Swinton's seductively evil performance in the first flick). He looks like somebody dressed up as Gerard Butler in "300" for Halloween and spends most of the movie battling with Barnes and the rest of the Telmarines to see who can have the most anonymous European accent.

The supporting cast is decent, though I preferred the charming performance of James McAvoy and the scary work of Swinton in the first movie. In "Caspian", the highlights include Peter Dinklage giving a wonderfully grumpy performance as a dwarf (typecasting!) and Eddie Izzard's voice as a swashbuckling mouse and variation on "Puss in Boots."

While this would make for a decent adventure flick on its own, I would definitely recommend you catch the first film. You won't be nearly as disoriented and you'll appreciate the reappearance of a couple of familiar faces.

Still, while the film is far from excellent, I'll be on board the next trip to Narnia.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian...B

John's 2008 MTV Movie Awards Diary

From the guy who brought you "John's Grammy Diary" and "John's 2008 Oscar Diary" comes the logical next step in prestigious awards-show diaries — "John's 2008 MTV Movie Awards Diary!"

(needle scratching on record sound)

Honestly though, despite the fact that the MTV Movie Awards have lost a bit of their edge over the years (ok, a lot of their edge), it's still an entertaining show, with its non-traditional categories and movie parodies. Hopefully, we'll have a good show on our hands tonight.

With no Erica by my side tonight (she's with her family for the weekend), I have no one to bounce my sarcastic remarks off of tonight. So I apologize in advance for all the comments that are sure to fall flat because I didn't have Erica's eye rolls to let me know they were completely idiotic.

Either way, let me reach for some guava pineapple juice and let's get on with the show.

-0:02 Sorry, I just peeked at the pre-show by accident and Brendan Frasier was acting like a maniac screaming over Sarah Jessica Parker and trying to promote his two movies. I like the guy, but I kinda wish somebody had a taser just then.

0:01 I can't think of any movie in recent years looking more aggressively unfunny than "The Love Guru" — hopefully host Mike Myers dumps the whole guru thing for this show. Ok, he's dressed in a suit, so it's already a promising start.

0:03 I like that Myers and the writers took a shot at bad awards show monologues before busting out with a — dance party! Very delightfully out of left field and Myers held his own. Makes me wish all over again that he made more than one non-Shrek movie every five years or so (as long as that movie's not "The Love Guru").

0:05 The cast of "Hancock" comes out to present "Best Female Performance", and I have to say, Jason Bateman's "Han-Cock" audience participation joke snuck up on me. Well done. Also, is there any way Ellen Page doesn't win this?

0:07 No, there isn't. She's giving a nice, heartfelt speech, but I can mostly only concentrate on the fact that she has to tiptoe to reach the mike.

0:09 Ok, so we ARE still doing "No Country for Old Men" jokes. (By the way, can you think of a more unlikely movie to inspire so much comedic material? Get back to me on that one.)

0:14 Will Ferrell and "rising comedy star" Danny McBride come out to present "Best Fight". I haven't seen "The Foot Fist Way", but I hope this guy's really funny, given the push he's getting (roles in "Pineapple Express" and "Tropic Thunder"). Their overlong bit on fighting illiteracy is not very encouraging.

0:17 This category cracks me up. Where else is "Never Back Down" going to get a nomination for anything? I also loved the unintended comedy in "Alien vs. Predator: Requiem" being nominated for "Aliens vs. Predators."

0:18 Ok, this isn't a real awards show, so I'm not going to get too riled up, but how the f--- did "The Bourne Ultimatum" not win this category? On the other hand, now "Never Back Down" has a win to go with the nomination I never thought it would get. Honestly, I'd completely forgotten this movie even existed until a minute ago.

0:20 I'm convinced the only way they could get Edward Norton to take part in this ridiculous show was to let him introduce Coldplay and let him retain some artistic cred. At least he's a good sport when he screws up the "Cold- play" thing with Liv Tyler at the end of their intro.

0:24 I like the new Coldplay song, but can't take my eyes off the red confetti/rose pedal thing stuck to Chris Martin's forehead for 60 percent of his performance. (Have you noticed that I'm very easily distracted yet?)

0:29 I LOVE the cut to "Superbad"s Jonah Hill in the audience when Seth Rogen and James Franco are introduced with a "that used to be me up there — damn you, Franco" look on his face. They're out there to introduce what may be this show's most ridiculous category to date — "Best Summer Movie So Far." I'm not liking "Speed Racer"s chances. (Then again, I didn't like "Never Back Down"s chances.)

0:31 "Iron Man" wins as expected and Robert Downey Jr. and a trim Jon Favreau accept. The lovefest for this crew continues. Good times.

0:37 I wonder if Usher is tired of doing that same dance routine from "Love in this Club" yet. It's in the video, and I've recently seen him do it on "SNL", "Dancing with the Stars" and now an MTV commercial. I bet he'd do it at your birthday party if you asked him.

0:40 Myers just got done with a bizarre, mostly unfunny routine as some sort of nutritionist to the stars. Maybe it's just me, but I just want the straightforward movie parodies that usually feature Andy Dick and/or Jimmy Fallon. I guess Andy Dick and Jimmy Fallon are busy doing, um, nevermind.

0:41 Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Hudson's breasts come out to present "Best Male Performance."

0:42 Will Smith wins for "I Am Legend" and Matt Damon punches a wall somewhere because of the ongoing disrespect "The Bourne Ultimatum" is getting from this show.

0:48 Now a reunion with Dana Carvey for a "Wayne's World" skit — THAT'S more like it. It almost doesn't matter what they do, I'm probably going to dig it. Fortunately, they're funny anyway. (Then again, I enjoy good porno puns more than the average person.) "Alvin IN the Chipmunks" is wrong in the best possible way.

0:53 Don't ask me why, but the trio of Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway and Dwayne Johnson just completely works for me. Somebody in the audience threw out a "that's what she said" just for good measure. They're there to present "Best Comedic Performance."

0:57 This category instantly lost credibility by nominating Adam Sandler for "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," which some respected experts called the worst movie of last year.

0:58 Whoa, Johnny Depp is there to pick up his award! People go crazy for his "surprise" appearance for the second year in a row! (Except for Chris Brown and Rihanna, who look totally unimpressed.) Seriously though, it's really good to see him there and delivering one of his charmingly awkward acceptance speeches. I love how he just sort of wanders on stage, picks up the bucket of popcorn and goes home. I'm looking forward to his surprise appearance next year.

1:00 Probably not a good sign that the "Dirty Mouth" short film featuring Verne Troyer and the MTV Movie Award winding up in a men's room is funnier than any non-"Wayne's World" related material Mike Myers has come up with.

1:02 The crowd goes considerably less crazy for Tom Cruise than they did for Johnny Depp as Cruise comes out to present Adam Sandler with the "MTV Generation Award." He does a nice job of delivering a scripted intro of Sandler's legendary film oeuvre.

1:04 By the way, in what universe did you think Tom Cruise would be presenting Adam Sandler with any sort of award? Ladies and gentlemen, the MTV Movie Awards!

1:05 I like that Sandler's gone back to his mid-90's comedic songs roots. And he's spoofing "Nobody Does it Better" from "The Spy Who Loved Me," keeping with the evening's movie-related festivities.

1:07 You just knew Rob Schneider would be involved somehow. He brought Kevin James along with him, giving me another unfortunate "Chuck and Larry" flashback.

1:16 This "Tropic Thunder" bit is ABSOLUTELY delivering the goods. Hopefully Stiller, Black and Iron Man, I mean, Downey Jr. have just as much chemistry in their movie as they do in real life.

1:18 And now Robert Downey Jr. is hitting Jack Black in the balls with a hammer. Still, is Karl (Stiller's "nephew") stealing the show here? (I'm leaning towards "yes.")

1:19 P. Diddy, Lindsay Lohan and Verne Troyer walk into a bar — oh no wait, they're out here to present "Best Breakthrough Performance." This award has "McLovin" written all over it.

1:21 I just made the fatal mistake of underestimating Zac Efron's gigantic fan base. Also, I think I just saw Verne Troyer creep under Lindsay Lohan's dress on his way to congratulate the winner.

1:28 Brendan Frasier is back on my TV to present the award for "Best Villain" and his voice appears to be mostly gone from screaming like a lunatic earlier. I mean, I'd guess I'd be pretty excited if I were him and nobody had seen me in two years.

1:29 Not a shocker that Johnny Depp wins again. He comes out from the private area he has set up backstage (apparently he has some phobia of sitting in the audience like everyone else). Once again, no one really listens to what he says during his "speech" and is mostly drowned out by screaming girls.

1:31 The cast of "The House Bunny" (will this finally be the movie with the talented Anna Faris in a big role in that won't be awful?) comes out to introduce "The Pussycat Dolls." I can think of no better time to grab a snack.

1:34 Ok, I'm back, and surprised to find the Dolls sound shockingly not-awful. And by "the Dolls", I mean Nicole Scherzinger, who's still doing all the singing. However, they look exactly as skanky as I thought they would.

1:40 I guess Will Ferrell was wearing too much clothing earlier, so Rainn Wilson felt the need to pick up the slack, appearing naked except for a bouquet of flowers. He and Megan Fox are there to present "Best Kiss."

1:43 So "The Bourne Ultimatum" continues to be shut out, but "Never Back Down" and now "Step Up 2 the Streets" have awards. Ladies and gentlemen, the MTV Movie Awards (at least the winners now-customary kiss delivered).

1:45 Mike Myers is appearing in another mostly unfunny bit, this time as an animal trainer. Jon Favreau and Elijah Wood (he always shows up unexpectedly) are scoring most of the laughs. Still, as uncomfortable as it was, this was better than the nutritionist bit from earlier in the show.

1:52 The cast of "Tropic Thunder" comes out to present the night's biggest award — "Best Movie." More good stuff, playing up Robert Downey Jr.'s recent massive success ("forged in a cauldron of his own genius) and Stiller pretending to be jealous (what are you, like 1 for 76?).

1:53 Did RDJ shave since earlier in the show when "Iron Man" won a prize?

1:56 "Transformers" wins "Best Movie" (ladies and gentlemen, the MTV Movie Awards) and Michael Bay even manages to sneak in a VERY early plug for "Transformers 2." Awesome.

1:57 Despite some questionable results due to fan balloting and Mike Myers' hosting being sort of a letdown after his opening, the "Wayne's World" reunion and the stuff with the "Tropic Thunder" cast was gold. Also, I can't fully trash any awards show that ends in under two hours. B- Thanks for reading!