John's Grammy Diary

Ok, so I didn't even decide that I was going to do a Grammy diary until about an hour ago.

I don't know who ALL of the nominees are, but I'll do the best possible job of acting like I know what I'm talking about. Also, it's the 50th anniversary of the Grammys so, at the very least, there should be at least one or two great live performances.

Whoops, the show is starting. Let's get this party started:

0:01 The opening of the Grammys is usually a nice surprise and tonight, for the 50th birthday, we've got — one of those mildly creepy performances where a living artist (Alicia Keys in this case) duets with a dead one (Frank Sinatra). Alicia Keys is fantastic, so there's no way this'll be as bad (or creepy) as the Celine/Elvis fiasco.

0:04 Seriously, besides Natalie Cole singing with her dad, does anyone still think these séance performances are "cool"? Kind of a let down for the night's opening number. Whatever, it's always good to see Alicia Keys with her green boob dress (Erica's words) and faux-hawky 'do combo.

0:05 Like you, I've heard "Before He Cheats" approximately 4,690 times, so, as weird as it is, I'll accept her being joined by the cast of "Stomp."

0:07 It finally happened! I think I just saw Carrie Underwood show emotion in her usually blank face. The rumors that she's not an android may turn out to be true.

0:09 Prince, forsaking purple for red, comes out to present Best Female R&B Vocal Performance (whatever the hell that means). All I know is that Prince is the man because even as he announced the nominees, it seemed like he was trying to seduce everyone. He even found time to make a funny.

0:10 The first winner of the night, Alicia Keys, doesn't have far to walk to pick up her award.

0:16 Ok, that was weird. It looked like Jimmy Jam was getting ready to talk, but instead, Morris Day and The Time is singing "Jungle Love". I actually love this, because I didn't really give a damn about whatever Jimmy Jam was going to say.

0:18 Whoa, Rihanna just showed up in the middle of "Jungle Love" and imposed "Umbrella" onto their performance. Erica wonders whether that's all she can sing. I actually liked how she showed up. It's like in wrestling, when one wrestler's blabbing in the ring, and then you hear another's entrance music as they're about to interrupt whoever's out there. "Umbrella" is Rihanna's entrance music.

0:19 I'm sensing an old/new theme tonight. Should be fun. Also, Rihanna throws it in Erica's face by singing "Don't Stop the Music."

0:22 To enchance his music cred, Tom Hanks is introduced as "the executive producer of the upcoming miniseries John Adams." Honestly, out of all the things Tom Hanks has done, THIS is how you introduce him?

0:24 The live crowd oddly cheers while Tom Hanks is still talking. I'm guessing that the Cirque du Soleil people are setting up on stage as he speaks/stalls.

0:25 Full disclosure. This is a sneak preview of sorts for me and Erica. We're going to catch the Cirque du Soleil show "La Nouba" on Valentine's Day and hopefully we'll deal with it better than Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd in "Knocked Up."

0:27 "Breakdancing to the Beatles — I never thought I'd see the day" – Erica. That pretty much sums things up for me too.

0:29 Ok, so the black "Let it be" kid from "Across the Universe" has grown up almost as much as much as Walt on "Lost." Walt?! Waaaaalllllttt! (Sorry.)

0:32 Hannah Montana and Cyndi Lauper are presenting Best New Artist and, even though Lauper now looks like a character in a Tim Burton movie, she still exudes more star quality than Miley. Amy Winehouse — who you may have heard is not present — takes the trophy.

0:34 Jason Bateman is outside, near the Staples Center, hyping up the Foo Fighters' upcoming "My Grammy Moment" performance. When he clarified who John Paul Jones was ("from Led Zepplin for the morons") millions of people 25 and under went "Oh ok — hey!"

0:37 Bateman kinda fumbles his script, but I forgive him for calling the cello player "lazy over there in the seat".

0:44 Apparently Kanye West needs no introduction — just red flames behind him. Also, his black light sunglasses look cool.

0:46 Nice catch by Erica pointing out that Kanye's jacket is probably an homage to Michael Jackson. She's a LOT smarter than me. I'm sorry that you're stuck with me here.

0:48 Fierce performance by Kanye with "Stronger". I mean, you're kinda limited with what you can do as far as a rap stage performance, but Kanye always keeps things interesting.

0:49 The night's first touching moment — Kanye sings to his mom. Aww. It doesn't even matter that he's not the best singer in the world, he sounds absolutely genuine — my favorite moment so far.

0:52 I think Fergie sounds ok, but Erica informs me that it's "the lame song on her CD" and gives her a B-/C+. Also, John Legend is kind of overqualified to merely be Fergie's piano accompaniment.

0:55 They give Ringo Starr (where's Paul) and George Martin the award for Best Soundtrack before fleeing the stage as quickly as they can. Some people just don't love giving acceptance speeches. I hope to one day win something so I can be in that position.

1:02 Cher looks more and more like a drag queen impersonating Cher everytime I see her. She introduces a legalicious Beyonce.

1:03 Erica dubs her "performance", "The Beyonce Monologues". Apparently, it was all an elaborate way of introducing Tina Turner — the original legalicious diva.

1:04 Could Tina Turner's face look any tighter? It looks like she sucked on two dozen lemons. Fortunately, she sounds pretty good and this is entertaining. I can't wait till she gets together with Beyonce for a leg-off.

1:07 Phew — when Tina finished I thought for more than a moment that she wasn't going to sing "Proud Mary" with Beyonce, but here we go!

1:11 I dug that performance. Each woman brought it — it wasn't like an older performer embarrassing themselves or a younger one not having the chops to keep up with a legend.

1:12 Nelly Furtado with blonde hair — D. (For point of reference, Amy Winehouse with blonde hair is an F.)

1:14 Amy Winehouse picks up "Song of the Year" for Rehab — well, she doesn't literally pick up the award because, you know.

1:19 Jason Bateman is back to announce the "My Grammy Moment" winner and it's dark outside now. I've got the shaggy, curly-haired kid winning.

1:20 They give it to the first girl (we both know I'm not going to look up her name). I actually though they'd give it to the lazy cellist. Oh well. Erica rightly points out that America just voted for "the hot one". Is that why Obama dominated this past weekend?

1:24 Wait a minute, she's just part of the orchestra! I thought we were going to see a solo violin breakdown! At least the Foo Fighers are rockin' hard (as usual).

1:31 Oh great, George Lopez is out there. As you can tell I'm not a big fan. Quick, how long until he makes a joke about being Mexi­— oh, there it is. How predictable.

1:32 Lopez introduces Brad Paisley (makes perfect sense). I mentally tune out while Erica opines that "he's cute."

1:34 Ok, I'll try to pay attention seeing as how this is the first country performance of the evening. (Ohhhh, I just took a mini-shot at "Before He Cheats"!)

1:36 Solid work by Paisley. Sometimes it's good to take a break from pyrotechnics, dozens of backup dancers and trapeze artists for live performances.

1:38 Kanye wins, and that means that we're spared one of his trademark tantrums. I can't figure out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

1:39 On top of winning Best Rap Album, Kanye wins the coveted award for "First Person To Be Played Off Stage" — but Kanye's telling us he's not going. He also finds time to be a little self-centered and a bit of a baby (in victory!). If only he'd lighten up on that junk a bit, people could throw their arms around this guy.

1:42 It's ridiculous how good Aretha Franklin still sounds. She's headlining a tribute to gospel music.

1:47 There are WAY too many performers on stage for me to keep track of who's who in this gospel thing. Sorry.

1:50 I just checked my TV Guide assuming that this thing would end in about half an hour only to find out to my slight horror that it's actually THREE AND A HALF HOURS LONG. At least they're keeping things moving at a nice pace.

1:56 A stripped-down Feist hits the stage. No colorful ensemble and backup clappers, just her and her guitar (and some tubas). I like it. A little tuba never hurt anybody. (Too bad about the slight feedback at the end — that's a shame.)

1:59 Kid Rock just joined Keely Smith on stage and sorta hit on her. I'm just glad he's wearing a shirt for a change.

2:00 I never thought Kid Rock would be singing something I'd want to swing dance to until two hours into the 50th Grammy ceremony.

2:02 Foo Fighters rush in from their "My Grammy Moment" to win Best Rock Album. Dave Grohl is just a cool dude. That's all there is too it.

2:04 They're REALLY hyping Amy Winehouse's performance. It better be really good or really bad. Anything in between will be sort of a let down.

2:10 I get that Stevie Wonder is blind so he doesn't care, but would it kill whoever dresses him to just put him in a white shirt, dark suit and tie every once in a while? Right now he's trying to rock a leopard print shirt with a black sleeveless kimono. Still, I loved him busting out some "No One" as he introduced Alicia Keys.

2:11 That's right! Alicia Keys is so good, she gets to perform twice! She even got up out from behind the piano and is walking around.

2:14 Overqualified accompanist 2 shows up in the person of John Mayer to rock out at the end of "No One". At least they let him sing harmony. The end got zany and, according to Erica, trippy. We liked it.

2:16 Whoa, Ringo Starr came out on stage with someone who looks just like him to present Best Country Album! (Allegedly it's someone named Dave Stewart, but I'm sticking to my clone theory.)

2:18 "I just had an award given to me by a Beatle — have you had THAT happen Kanye?" Vince Gill takes a commanding lead for "Quote of the Night." (Who the hell could've seen that coming?)

2:24 "Criminal Minds" star Joe Mantegna comes out to honor two of the Lifetime Award Recipients. I get that the show is on CBS, but if we're going to have someone from one of their shows, why not David Caruso? "Looks like someone (pause, shades on) struck the wrong chord — YEEEAAAAHHHH!"

2:27 We're being treated to a combination classical music and jazz performance of "Rhapsody in Blue" (I think). I suspect 70% of people watching this telecast just got up to go pee.

2:33 Taylor Swift and a slightly skeezy Juanes present Rihanna and Jay Z the award for Best Rap Sung collaboration. Jay Z playfully butts in on her acceptance speech to translate what she really means when she's talking, until she playfully keeps him away. Erica and I like her new, shorter 'do.

2:40 The announcer tells us Cuba Gooding Jr. (pronounced Cooba apparently), who's in London to introduce Amy Winehouse. I guess they figured that if he's out of the country, there's less of a chance he'll do one of those horrible family comedies he's been squandering his Oscar on.

2:41 Phew. Not only is Amy Winehouse presumably sober and definitely coherent, but she's not blonde! (She's sporting her trademark dark-haired beehive.) As a bonus, she sounds really good. Mostly, I'm glad this immensely talented artist put herself together, if only for one evening.

2:45 She finishes up her performance with more than a little sass and attitude — sort of an exclamation point at the end of "Rehab." VERY nice job.

2:48 Aww, Amy Winehouse looks genuinely shocked and overcome with emotion (and a little scared) that she won "Record of the Year" and the London peoples start chanting her name. Good for her! Erica calls for someone to give her a sandwich, and the best Amy can manage is a cockney shout out to London. I believe that's the first time I've actually heard her speak.

2:56 Neil Portnow, the president of the Academy is out there giving his spiel about the Grammy Awards' mission. Why couldn't Morris Day and the Time come out and interrupt THIS instead? The most interesting thing happening now is that I can't stop thinking how this guy looks and sounds just like actor Ron Silver. He also gives a brief shout out to the members of the Writers Guild of America (yay! Looks like the strike will be over soon).

3:02 Luciano Pavarotti blows away the competition during the annual "In Memoriam" segment by garnering the most applause.

3:03 Andrea Bocelli and Josh Groban hit the stage for what is sure to be some truly angelic singing.

3:07 As beautiful as that was, this telecast is starting to lose a bit of steam. This show needs to do something to liven things up or I may not make it to the finish line.

3:09 (Don't tell anyone, but I'm watching Groban's "You Are Loved" on YouTube. They used to play it before movies at BayWalk's Muvico Theatre in St. Pete — I've liked it ever since.)

3:12 We've got some rock pioneers in action as John Fogerty, Jerry Lee Lewis and Little Richard hit the stage. Well, they gingerly take to the stage anyway. I'll believe that Lewis and Little Richard can walk when I see it.

3:16 At least Little Richard still sounds ferocious. Erica marvels at how he can still look the way he looks. When was the last time he DIDN'T look like that? He sure looked like that the first time I saw him — as Old King Cole in "Mother Goose Rock 'n Rhyme". You know you watched it.

3:17 "Could this performance be any older?" – Erica

3:24 I didn't realize "Mack the Knife" needed to be remade into a rap song by Will.I.Am. It actually doesn't sound that bad. Erica and I try to figure out whether he's freestyling. (I say "yes", Erica says "not totally".)

3:26 Whoa, even though I jot down the amount of time that's elapsed every time, "Album of the Year" snuck up on me! Usher and Quincy Jones will hand it out. Usher takes a jab at Kanye by reminding him that "there are no losers in this category."

3:28 "What the fuck?!?!" – My reaction to Herbie Hancock winning the evening's biggest award. This column is rated PG-13, so I can say the f-word once and get away with it.

3:29 I mean, really. Who had THIS one? Does this mean "Bee Movie" is going to snag Best Picture at the Oscars in a few weeks? (It would be pretty much just as unexpected.) I think I just heard Kanye West punch a wall. Herbie Hancock DOES give a nice speech about this being the first jazz album to win "Album of the Year" in "like forever" (not exactly his words), though he DOES ramble on a bit toward the end.

3:30 Um, I guess that's it. It was a pretty entertaining show — at least until things sort of took a dive towards the end ala "I Am Legend". Thanks for hanging out, and a BIG thanks if you actually read through this entire thing. Pat yourself on the back. I owe you a hug when I see you.

3:37 Oh, the show's not quite over! They show the Cirque du Soleil people over the closing credits. Erica makes the obligatory and appropriate "The mushrooms are turning on me!" joke.