John's Emmy 2009 Diary

It's been more than a year since I've done a diary.

I think it's time we change that. I'm home tonight, there's an awards show on, and I've wrestled the laptop away from my girlfriend Erica. Let's see if I've still got it as I check out the 2009 Emmy Awards.

0:01: Not even a, “Hi” from host Neil Patrick Harris – just straight into a musical number. Hopefully, this means they’ll keep this show under three hours.

0:03: A have to admit, this song got off to a bit of a slow start for me, but rapid fire jokes about Paula Abdul, and crushing on Christina Hendricks and Jon Hamm won me back.

0:05: His bit about shows not having theme songs anymore is funny because it’s the kind of thing we’ve all talked about with our friends. (Or is that just me?)

0:06: Congratulations! If you had “six minutes” in the “first Kanye joke of the evening” pool, you win!

0:08: I’m not sure we needed a montage about the year in comedy since we all pretty much have our favorites and I’m not sure a random selection of scenes is going to make us start watching a show we’ve never seen, but we’re getting one anyway.

0:10: Liz Lemon and Dr. Drew Baird present the first award of the evening: Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy. Unfortunately, even Tina Fey and Jon Hamm can’t entirely sell the lame presenter chatter.

0:12: The nominees are doing a much better job selling the “Completely Random Eyewear” bit, with Vanessa L. Williams (in “Ugly Betty” character)adding the exclamation point by refusing the play along.

0:13: Announcer John Hodgman (“And I’m a P.C.”) informs us that winner Kristin Chenoweth would’ve become a private eye if she hadn’t become an actress. Her thrilled reaction and completely charming speech (“I want to be on ‘Mad Men’”) make up for the fact that I would’ve preferred for Jane Krakoski, Kristin Wiig or Williams to win. Congratulations, Ms. Chenoweth!

0:14: Mystery solved. The eyewear thing was Amy Poehler’s idea.

0:21: Oh great! Now it’s entirely possible (meaning EXTREMELY likely) that Hodgman was making up the private eye thing about Chenoweth since he just admitted he’ll be making up facts about each nominee.

0:22: The cast of “How I Met Your Mother” (they got that plug out of the way early) is here to present the “Best Writing for a Comedy Series” award to “30 Rock.”

0:23: By the way, I wrote the previous entry before “30 Rock” won. I swear! Also, it’s official. Hodgman is making up all the tidbits about the winners. Another thing is official: I’m unbelievably gullible for believing that Kristin Chenoweth/private eye thing. (I guess I wanted it to be true.)

0:24: I’m not sure how current a Harlem Globetrotters joke is, but Harris kinda saved it by making fun of how lame it was.

0:25: Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Amy Poehler come out to present Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy. With Jeremy Piven out of the way, it’s gonna be Neil Patrick Harris, right?! Nice job by Harris of finding a seat in the audience and sitting there when his name was called as a nominee.

0:26: Kevin Dillon did an even worse job of hiding his disappointment that Jon Cryer won for “Two and a Half Men” than I did. He looked pretty sad. Cryer is a nice, funny guy, but I would’ve taken pretty much every other nominee over him, as well as several people who weren’t nominated (Ed Helms, John Krasinski, Jason Segel, Jeremy Piven, etc.)

0:33: As sad as it is, Harris’ loss should give him plenty of comedic ammo for the rest of the evening. He introduces the “omni-talented” Justin Timberlake.

0:34: JT’s here to present Best Actress in a Comedy Series. I’m not sure I love that they’re getting all the comedy categories out of the way first (comedy matters, damnit!) but it’s making the first half of this show interesting. On a related note, is there any way Fey doesn’t win again?

0:35: Sarah Silverman doesn’t get the memo that she’s up for Best Actress and not Best Supporting Actress and wears a fake mustache. JT makes a nice, spontaneous joke about hormones (it’s almost not fair that this guy is really funny too) and Toni Collette wins in a mini-upset!

0:38: Harris is interviewing Cryer in the press area and Cryer is gamely playing along. I knew he’d milk the loss and this is good stuff.

0:39: The “Gossip Girl”s come out to tell us who won the “Best Guest Actor and Actress in a Comedy Series” awards last week.

0:40: The Kanye joke count is now at 2, thanks to Timberlake, who won for Guest Actor in a Comedy thanks to his SNL hosting gig. Fey won the Guest Actress award for her extended Sarah Palin impression on SNL.

0:42: As bizarre as the pre-taped bits for the “Best Director in a Comedy Series” nominees are, I like that they prepared a little something to liven the category up. Why should the nominees for “Best Writing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Series” get to have all the fun? By the way, “The Office” wins the directing award. Yay!

0:49: I thought I was the only one who remembered (laughing at) Rob Lowe’s failed “drama” series, “Dr. Vegas.” Apparently, Rob Lowe remembers too. He’s here to present Best Actor in a Comedy Series. My heart says Steve Carell or Jemaine Clement, but my head tells me it’s going to be Alec Baldwin.

0:51: Baldwin is VERY funny, but damnit - Steve Carell needs to win an Emmy for playing Michael Scott before it’s all said and done. He just HAS to. Baldwin’s solid, heartfelt speech dedicated mostly to Lorne Michaels helps takes the sting off. A little. Very little.

0:54: Not sure why they played a violent (and mostly unfunny) “Family Guy” bit right before telling us we were moving to reality show awards, but here we are anyway. As far as the comedy categories were concerned, I was happy to see the prizes spread out a bit – it’s a nice change from the “30 Rock” monopoly.

0:55: It’s probably bad that I’m finding this montage of reality shows more entertaining than the comedy one. It’s just that people on reality shows are more bat s--- crazy – and I like that.

0:56: Maksim Chmekorvskiy and Karina Smirnoff are performing together. They’re pros, so I’m expecting zero awkwardness stemming from the fact that they recently broke off their engagement. In a related story, is it sad that I did NOT have to look up how to spell their names on Google? (I say it is.)

0:57: Some dancers from “So You Think You Can Dance” come out, and they eventually are joined by the “Dancing with the Stars” pros. I watch both shows, I love both shows, but I was pretty underwhelmed. I would’ve preferred an all-out dance battle.

0:59: Hayden Panettiere and Neil Patrick Harris-nemesis Jon Cryer present the Best Reality Show Emmy to Jeff Probst. He’s won this award every year that it’s existed (which is only two): how long until they rename it the “Jeff Probst Award”? (I’m surprised they haven’t renamed the Best Reality Show Award, “The Amazing Race Award.”)

1:07: Present Tracy Morgan does nothing to quiet the haters who say he doesn’t really “act” on “30 Rock” as he loopily presents the nominees for “The Amazing Race Award.” (You can probably guess who won.)

1:09: Now we’re getting the TV Movies and Miniseries awards, and I’m getting a snack from the kitchen. (Sorry, but I’m too poor for HBO, which is the network that usually dominates these things.) I have to say - I felt more prestigious just watching that montage.

1:12: Husband-and-wife team Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick come out to present Best Supporting Actor and Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. Shoreh Agdashloo wins Supporting Actress, which absolutely delights me because I kinda had a crush on her during season 4 of “24.” She needs to be back on a channel I can afford! Ken Howard wins Supporting Actor for “Grey Gardens.” I have a feeling this won’t be the last time “Grey Gardens” wins. (It’s the one miniseries I’ve heard of, so it HAS to be good.)

1:15: You expect Justin Timberlake to make a Kanye joke, but Ken Howard?! Well done, sir! We’re up to three if you’re scoring at home (and I obviously am).

1:22: Chandra Wilson and Kate Walsh (my two favorite parts of “Grey’s Anatomy” from back when I still cared about that show) are out to present Best Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries. Brendan Gleeson (a great actor) wins for a movie I’ve never heard of (“Into the Storm” for the record) and gives a touching speech about his wife and mom.

1:25: I’m thinking they should probably ditch the rest of this “Best Seat in the House” gig. It’s just not working. “Ghost Whisperer” Jennifer Love-Hewitt and “Medium” Patricia Arquette come out to present Best Writing and Directing for a TV Movie or Miniseries” to “Little Dorrit”, which wins both prizes. But they already knew that.

1:30: The show is (ideally) halfway over. I just wanted to say hello and (figuratively) pat you on the back for making it this far. Also, you must have A LOT of time on your hands.

1:31: I saw “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along blog” for the first time last week. I thought I was WAY late to the party, but judging from this “Dr. Horrible” spoof happening on my screen it seems I’m right on time!

1:33: Question: If we all agree that the accounting portion of award shows is boring and a waste of time, why do we keep trying to come up with clever ways of making that time more palatable? Why not just get rid of it altogether? (It HAS to be in some contract somewhere that we have to see these accountants at some point.)

1:34: Alec Baldwin presents “Grey Gardens” star Jessica Lange with the Emmy for Best Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. I thought Drew Barrymore would win, but at least we saw a quick shot of Justin Long next to her. (The show is showing remarkable restraint by not going to the “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” well.)

1:42: Erica (welcome to the diary!) points out that Kiefer Sutherland peeked at co-presenter Anna Torv’s breasts. We’re not mad at him – they were pretty out there, and he simply got busted. By the way, “Grey Gardens” wins for Best TV Movie.

1:44: Erica brings up an interesting point. How can something on HBO win for Best TV Movie? Shouldn’t the slogan, “It’s not TV, it’s HBO” automatically disqualify them from winning? While I was being an idiot just now, “Little Dorrit” won Best Miniseries. The awards for Variety, Music and Comedy programs are up next.

1:51: Oh those silly directors and their “comedy.” Anyway, the writers are here to show them how to do a silly and irreverent Emmy nomination thing. Conan’s team takes the prize for its Facebook/ignoring friend requests bit.

1:55: However, “The Daily Show” wins the writing Emmy (again), while “American Idol” wins the directing award.

2:02: Jimmy Fallon is doing a weird and funny Auto-Tune bit before he falls down (on purpose). I love how much Steve Carell is enjoying this. (Great, I’m getting mad again because Carell didn’t win.)

2:03: Fallon’s here to present Best Original Music and Lyrics – I believe this is the first time this award has made it on TV. Smart move.

2:05: I thought “Motherlover” was a lock, but the catchy-sounding “Team from the 81st Annual Academy Awards” takes the prize in one of the night’s few upsets. Nice speech by the leader of the “Team” (and bearded Joaquin Phoenix lookalike) acknowledging the fact that organizers probably thought Justin Timberlake would win instead of them.

2:08: Ricky Gervais is back again doing his thing – taking up a little too much time and making fun of Steve Carell while making us not care because he’s VERY funny. He presents the “Best Variety, Musical or Comedy Series” award to (gasp!) “The Daily Show.”

2:16: The stuff I said about the accountants – ditto for the president of the academy. Let’s just ditch him altogether!

2:20: I kinda loved how LL Cool J didn’t even try to sell Chris O’Donnell’s lame presenter joke. The pair is out to give out Best Supporting Actor and Actress in a Drama Series.

2:21: I literally pumped my fist and yelled, “Yes!” when Michael Emerson of “Lost” won! I repeat – YES!

2:22: I love “24” and I thought Cherry Jones was good, but, really? I hate “Grey’s Anatomy”, but Oh and Wilson deserve that trophy.

2:23: I didn’t call Sarah McLachlan “The Songstress of Sad” – Erica did. She’s out to sing during the In Memoriam portion of the evening. Thankfully they’re staying away from the swooping camera shots that plagued Queen Latifah’s In Memoriam performance during the Oscars and made it hard to see the people being honored. Let’s see who gets the loudest applause.

2:25: I had Natasha Richardson in the lead (just an awful shame). Then Bea Arthur came and took a commanding lead. Paul Newman is making a strong push, but I think Arthur’s applause is still the loudest. Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze and Walter Cronkite also get nice ovations. The point is that we lost a lot of wonderfully-talented people this past year. Too bad.

2:32: Stephen Moyer and David Boreanaz introduce Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama winners Michael J. Fox and Ellen Burstyn, who turn around and present Best Directing in a Drama Series to “ER” and Best Writing in a Drama Series to “Mad Men.” “Mad” creator Matthew Weiner smartly hedged his bets by getting himself nominated in four out of the five slots.

2:39: Simon Baker comes out to present Best Actress in a Drama Series. I know the Emmys love Mariska Hargitay, and the rest of the nominees are super-duper-stars, but go Elisabeth Moss!

2:41: Glenn Close is still the biggest, most imposing star of the bunch and wins again. It also helps that she’s REALLY good.

2:48: Dana Delany is out to present Best Actor in a Drama Series. No offense to Dana Delany (I think she’s great and underused on “Desperate Housewives”), but weren’t any of the more famous “Housewives” available?

2:50: You can’t really say it’s an upset if this is the second year in a row that Bryan Cranston has won over his buzzier competitors. I’ve never seen “Breaking Bad”, but I’ve heard great things about it. Good for him. However, I’d still like to see Hugh Laurie win an Emmy at some point. (He’s the Steve Carell of Drama.)

2:52: Comedy legend Bob Newheart is out to present Best Comedy Series (makes sense) to “30 Rock.” The guy can still get off some good one-liners, but he’s going to cause this show to go over time singlehandedly.

2:54: In case you’re wondering, I wrote the sentence about “30 Rock” winning before it happened just now. Seriously. Tina Fey isn’t even bothering to act surprised anymore. (Neither am I.) Nice zing to The Jay Leno Show, by the way.

2:56: Why have Cat Deeley on the show, if you’re only going to use her two or three times? She announces that “True Blood” won the fan-voted “Best Breakthrough Performance” “Award” (How MTV Movie Awards of them!)

3:01: Sigourney Weaver comes out to hurriedly present Best Drama Series to “Mad Men.” I feel about this the way I feel about the “30 Rock” win – it’s a deserving victory, but oh so typical. Still, congrats to the excellent “Mad Men” cast and crew.

3:03: That’s our show. If you made it this far in the diary, then God bless you. Please excuse the inevitable typos. (It's late!) Go ahead and tell me what you thought of Neil Patrick Harris as host (pretty good, if a little underused) and, oh yeah, the winners.

John's 2008 MTV Movie Awards Diary

From the guy who brought you "John's Grammy Diary" and "John's 2008 Oscar Diary" comes the logical next step in prestigious awards-show diaries — "John's 2008 MTV Movie Awards Diary!"

(needle scratching on record sound)

Honestly though, despite the fact that the MTV Movie Awards have lost a bit of their edge over the years (ok, a lot of their edge), it's still an entertaining show, with its non-traditional categories and movie parodies. Hopefully, we'll have a good show on our hands tonight.

With no Erica by my side tonight (she's with her family for the weekend), I have no one to bounce my sarcastic remarks off of tonight. So I apologize in advance for all the comments that are sure to fall flat because I didn't have Erica's eye rolls to let me know they were completely idiotic.

Either way, let me reach for some guava pineapple juice and let's get on with the show.

-0:02 Sorry, I just peeked at the pre-show by accident and Brendan Frasier was acting like a maniac screaming over Sarah Jessica Parker and trying to promote his two movies. I like the guy, but I kinda wish somebody had a taser just then.

0:01 I can't think of any movie in recent years looking more aggressively unfunny than "The Love Guru" — hopefully host Mike Myers dumps the whole guru thing for this show. Ok, he's dressed in a suit, so it's already a promising start.

0:03 I like that Myers and the writers took a shot at bad awards show monologues before busting out with a — dance party! Very delightfully out of left field and Myers held his own. Makes me wish all over again that he made more than one non-Shrek movie every five years or so (as long as that movie's not "The Love Guru").

0:05 The cast of "Hancock" comes out to present "Best Female Performance", and I have to say, Jason Bateman's "Han-Cock" audience participation joke snuck up on me. Well done. Also, is there any way Ellen Page doesn't win this?

0:07 No, there isn't. She's giving a nice, heartfelt speech, but I can mostly only concentrate on the fact that she has to tiptoe to reach the mike.

0:09 Ok, so we ARE still doing "No Country for Old Men" jokes. (By the way, can you think of a more unlikely movie to inspire so much comedic material? Get back to me on that one.)

0:14 Will Ferrell and "rising comedy star" Danny McBride come out to present "Best Fight". I haven't seen "The Foot Fist Way", but I hope this guy's really funny, given the push he's getting (roles in "Pineapple Express" and "Tropic Thunder"). Their overlong bit on fighting illiteracy is not very encouraging.

0:17 This category cracks me up. Where else is "Never Back Down" going to get a nomination for anything? I also loved the unintended comedy in "Alien vs. Predator: Requiem" being nominated for "Aliens vs. Predators."

0:18 Ok, this isn't a real awards show, so I'm not going to get too riled up, but how the f--- did "The Bourne Ultimatum" not win this category? On the other hand, now "Never Back Down" has a win to go with the nomination I never thought it would get. Honestly, I'd completely forgotten this movie even existed until a minute ago.

0:20 I'm convinced the only way they could get Edward Norton to take part in this ridiculous show was to let him introduce Coldplay and let him retain some artistic cred. At least he's a good sport when he screws up the "Cold- play" thing with Liv Tyler at the end of their intro.

0:24 I like the new Coldplay song, but can't take my eyes off the red confetti/rose pedal thing stuck to Chris Martin's forehead for 60 percent of his performance. (Have you noticed that I'm very easily distracted yet?)

0:29 I LOVE the cut to "Superbad"s Jonah Hill in the audience when Seth Rogen and James Franco are introduced with a "that used to be me up there — damn you, Franco" look on his face. They're out there to introduce what may be this show's most ridiculous category to date — "Best Summer Movie So Far." I'm not liking "Speed Racer"s chances. (Then again, I didn't like "Never Back Down"s chances.)

0:31 "Iron Man" wins as expected and Robert Downey Jr. and a trim Jon Favreau accept. The lovefest for this crew continues. Good times.

0:37 I wonder if Usher is tired of doing that same dance routine from "Love in this Club" yet. It's in the video, and I've recently seen him do it on "SNL", "Dancing with the Stars" and now an MTV commercial. I bet he'd do it at your birthday party if you asked him.

0:40 Myers just got done with a bizarre, mostly unfunny routine as some sort of nutritionist to the stars. Maybe it's just me, but I just want the straightforward movie parodies that usually feature Andy Dick and/or Jimmy Fallon. I guess Andy Dick and Jimmy Fallon are busy doing, um, nevermind.

0:41 Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Hudson's breasts come out to present "Best Male Performance."

0:42 Will Smith wins for "I Am Legend" and Matt Damon punches a wall somewhere because of the ongoing disrespect "The Bourne Ultimatum" is getting from this show.

0:48 Now a reunion with Dana Carvey for a "Wayne's World" skit — THAT'S more like it. It almost doesn't matter what they do, I'm probably going to dig it. Fortunately, they're funny anyway. (Then again, I enjoy good porno puns more than the average person.) "Alvin IN the Chipmunks" is wrong in the best possible way.

0:53 Don't ask me why, but the trio of Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway and Dwayne Johnson just completely works for me. Somebody in the audience threw out a "that's what she said" just for good measure. They're there to present "Best Comedic Performance."

0:57 This category instantly lost credibility by nominating Adam Sandler for "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," which some respected experts called the worst movie of last year.

0:58 Whoa, Johnny Depp is there to pick up his award! People go crazy for his "surprise" appearance for the second year in a row! (Except for Chris Brown and Rihanna, who look totally unimpressed.) Seriously though, it's really good to see him there and delivering one of his charmingly awkward acceptance speeches. I love how he just sort of wanders on stage, picks up the bucket of popcorn and goes home. I'm looking forward to his surprise appearance next year.

1:00 Probably not a good sign that the "Dirty Mouth" short film featuring Verne Troyer and the MTV Movie Award winding up in a men's room is funnier than any non-"Wayne's World" related material Mike Myers has come up with.

1:02 The crowd goes considerably less crazy for Tom Cruise than they did for Johnny Depp as Cruise comes out to present Adam Sandler with the "MTV Generation Award." He does a nice job of delivering a scripted intro of Sandler's legendary film oeuvre.

1:04 By the way, in what universe did you think Tom Cruise would be presenting Adam Sandler with any sort of award? Ladies and gentlemen, the MTV Movie Awards!

1:05 I like that Sandler's gone back to his mid-90's comedic songs roots. And he's spoofing "Nobody Does it Better" from "The Spy Who Loved Me," keeping with the evening's movie-related festivities.

1:07 You just knew Rob Schneider would be involved somehow. He brought Kevin James along with him, giving me another unfortunate "Chuck and Larry" flashback.

1:16 This "Tropic Thunder" bit is ABSOLUTELY delivering the goods. Hopefully Stiller, Black and Iron Man, I mean, Downey Jr. have just as much chemistry in their movie as they do in real life.

1:18 And now Robert Downey Jr. is hitting Jack Black in the balls with a hammer. Still, is Karl (Stiller's "nephew") stealing the show here? (I'm leaning towards "yes.")

1:19 P. Diddy, Lindsay Lohan and Verne Troyer walk into a bar — oh no wait, they're out here to present "Best Breakthrough Performance." This award has "McLovin" written all over it.

1:21 I just made the fatal mistake of underestimating Zac Efron's gigantic fan base. Also, I think I just saw Verne Troyer creep under Lindsay Lohan's dress on his way to congratulate the winner.

1:28 Brendan Frasier is back on my TV to present the award for "Best Villain" and his voice appears to be mostly gone from screaming like a lunatic earlier. I mean, I'd guess I'd be pretty excited if I were him and nobody had seen me in two years.

1:29 Not a shocker that Johnny Depp wins again. He comes out from the private area he has set up backstage (apparently he has some phobia of sitting in the audience like everyone else). Once again, no one really listens to what he says during his "speech" and is mostly drowned out by screaming girls.

1:31 The cast of "The House Bunny" (will this finally be the movie with the talented Anna Faris in a big role in that won't be awful?) comes out to introduce "The Pussycat Dolls." I can think of no better time to grab a snack.

1:34 Ok, I'm back, and surprised to find the Dolls sound shockingly not-awful. And by "the Dolls", I mean Nicole Scherzinger, who's still doing all the singing. However, they look exactly as skanky as I thought they would.

1:40 I guess Will Ferrell was wearing too much clothing earlier, so Rainn Wilson felt the need to pick up the slack, appearing naked except for a bouquet of flowers. He and Megan Fox are there to present "Best Kiss."

1:43 So "The Bourne Ultimatum" continues to be shut out, but "Never Back Down" and now "Step Up 2 the Streets" have awards. Ladies and gentlemen, the MTV Movie Awards (at least the winners now-customary kiss delivered).

1:45 Mike Myers is appearing in another mostly unfunny bit, this time as an animal trainer. Jon Favreau and Elijah Wood (he always shows up unexpectedly) are scoring most of the laughs. Still, as uncomfortable as it was, this was better than the nutritionist bit from earlier in the show.

1:52 The cast of "Tropic Thunder" comes out to present the night's biggest award — "Best Movie." More good stuff, playing up Robert Downey Jr.'s recent massive success ("forged in a cauldron of his own genius) and Stiller pretending to be jealous (what are you, like 1 for 76?).

1:53 Did RDJ shave since earlier in the show when "Iron Man" won a prize?

1:56 "Transformers" wins "Best Movie" (ladies and gentlemen, the MTV Movie Awards) and Michael Bay even manages to sneak in a VERY early plug for "Transformers 2." Awesome.

1:57 Despite some questionable results due to fan balloting and Mike Myers' hosting being sort of a letdown after his opening, the "Wayne's World" reunion and the stuff with the "Tropic Thunder" cast was gold. Also, I can't fully trash any awards show that ends in under two hours. B- Thanks for reading!

John's 2008 Oscar Diary

The big show is finally here!

I just drank a Gatorade (yes, product placement has made its way on to my blog), so I'll have enough energy for the marathon that will be the 80th Academy Awards.

This Oscar telecast should be particularly interesting given reports that the show's writers had only 11 days to work with. Personally, I think (or I'm hoping) that it's going to make for a faster-moving, more economic show (hopefully with a lot fewer montages) with a few surprises thrown in for good measure.

Anyway, the show's about to start — get ready for the biggest night in Hollywood as seen through the eyes of one of the biggest Puerto Ricans in south St. Pete.

0:01 After a mildly chaotic animated tribute to Oscar-winning classics like "Cars" and the new "Godzilla", the show's under way! I wish they would've sprung for graphics better than what I'd see on a Saturday morning cartoon.

0:03 Jon Stewart is coming out swinging and addressing the end of the writer's strike right off the bat. Funny stuff, and I'm as glad as anyone that it's over, but let's hope the entire evening doesn't keep coming back to strike jokes.

0:05 Stewart looks a LOT more comfortable than he did hosting the first time around, and scored a nice laugh by saying "Thank God, for teen pregnancy" when talking about this year's darker fare. Bonus points for the camera cutting to Ellen Page — who's apparently now the poster child for teen pregnancy — after this comment.

0:06 Javier Bardem has arrived ladies and gentlemen — he scored the coveted seat next to Jack Nicholson in the front row.

0:11 Stewart killed in his opening monologue — he mixed in the political humor that is his wheelhouse with solid Hollywood stuff. My favorite was his joke about stripper-turned-writer Diablo Cody taking a pay cut. Also, two words — Gaydolf Titler.

0:12 The first Shoulda-Been Oscar Nominee of the evening, Jennifer Garner, presents Best Costume Design to "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" — and I'm 1 for 1 on my Oscar picks. I consider quitting while I'm perfect in my picks for the evening, but I decide to press on for my dedicated readers — both of them.

0:13 I turned around to readjust my recliner and the "Elizabeth" costume designer was done with her speech. I'm sure she's a nice lady, but I'm glad she realized no one really wants to hear her say anything more than "thank you". Also, where are the Supporting acting awards? Those are usually first.

0:17 Does anyone current actor look more natural in a tuxedo than George Clooney? Let me know if you think of anyone. Unfortunately, he got stuck presenting the first montage of the evening. It's an Oscar tribute to — the Oscars! (Ugh.)

0:21 Erica and I sat through pretty much the entire red carpet show and we agree that pretty much no one looks better than Anne Hathaway tonight. She's joined by my boy Steve Carell, to present Documen, nope Best Animated Feature in a funny bit where he made the subject matter of the nominated flicks seem harrowing. Their easy chemistry bodes well for this summer's "Get Smart."

0:24 My favorite movie of the year wins "Best Animated Feature". "Ratatouille" director started off strong, giving a nice speech about how anyone who wants to make movies is discouraged at first, but things got away from him and he ended up rambling.

0:26 All of a sudden an orangey and incredibly nervous Katherine Heigl is out there to present Best Makeup. Whoever applied her makeup tonight won't be winning since she looks like she's having an allergic reaction in her cheeks and forehead. "La Vie en Rose" wins, bringing me to 3 for 3.

0:29 Kudos to Jon Stewart for incorporating a pitch pipe into his intro to Amy Adams performing the evening's first nominated ditty, "Happy Working Song." I wonder why she decided this would be the one song from "Enchanted" (out of three) that she wanted to sing.

0:31 Amy Adams does a nice job, and I love it when actors actually sing the nominated song instead of having someone else do it for them. It was slightly better than what Jon Stewart started singing. Still, as my girl Erica astutely asked, "Where were all the animals?"

0:37 If I would've told you 8 years ago that The Rock would be presenting at the Oscars one day, you would've said, "what is "The Rock?"

0:39 He gives Best Visual Effects to "The Golden Compass" — I had "Transformers" — who are as surprised by their victory as I am. Those guys are psyched and I like that!

0:40 Again, I'm not exactly sure what Art Direction is, but somehow it fits that Cate Blanchett would be presenting it. She's so arty. "Sweeney Todd" wins, and, since I had "There Will Be Blood", I find myself mired in a nasty two-award losing streak. I enjoyed watching the winners march to the stage while the ominous "Sweeney" music played.

0:44 We're being treated to a genuinely cool montage of past Best Supporting Actor winners. Good stuff, and I'm sure Cuba Gooding Jr. is enjoying watching the moment 10 years ago when his life peaked.

0:45 Everyone who said we would never see Jennifer Hudson again after "Dreamgirls" is proven dead wrong, as she comes out to give Javier Bardem his Oscar, I mean, to present "Best Supporting Actor."

0:48 Javier gets bilingual on us, thanking the "No Country" cast and crew, and thanking his family in Spanish, and dedicating his award to Spain. Curiously, he actually spoke faster in English than he did in Spanish (usually people speaking in Spanish do so at 100MPH.)

0:49 Nice job by the Oscars letting only a little less than an hour go by before presenting an award people at home actually care about.

0:53 Yes! The show is totally with me in my hatred of montages by presenting very stirring tributes to binoculars and periscopes, as well as people waking from bad dreams.

0:55 So Keri Russell is "the star of 'August Rush'"? Take THAT "Waitress"! You thought you'd been dissed before. She presents the one nominated song I've never heard of, "Raise it Up". Though it promises to be gospellbinding, I still say it took the slot that should've gone to "Pop Goes My Heart" from "Music and Lyrics."

0:58 That may have been the largest collection of black people we're likely to see at the Oscars for the next few years, so I hope you enjoyed that.

0:59 Is this the first time I've seen Owen Wilson in public since, you know, the suicide attempt? I think so. He's out to present Best Live Action Short Film. I closed my eyes, threw a dart and picked "At Night".

1:00 And the winning director of Le Mozart de Pickpockets" has considerably worse seats than Javier Bardem. He tried to speak English, quit and then ran off — kinda like Javier Bardem, when you think about it.

1:02 Even though it was released in theatres more than four months ago, we're still sitting through annoying plugs for "Bee Movie." When will it end?! Barry B. Benson (voiced by Jerry Seinfeld) presents Best Animated Short film to "Peter and the Wolf."

1:04 Here comes "Best Supporting Actress (I've got Cate Blanchett)." For those of you scoring at home (oh wait, only I'm doing that), that's more than two hours, and two awards that people care about. At this pace, "Best Picture" should be handed out around 3:30 a.m.

1:06 Damn! Tilda Swinton takes a commanding list for Worst Dressed (and Worst Styled and Worst Everything). Who thought it would be a good idea to make her look like Eric Stoltz?

1:08 I've been a fan of Eric Stoltz since "Mask", and he was very good in everything from "Pulp Fiction" to "The Butterfly Effect." It's good to see him finally pick up an Oscar.

1:10 Seriously though, she started off kinda rough by saying she was giving her statue to her agent (blech), but she finished strong with touching tributes to director Tony Gilroy and co-star George Clooney and his nippled Bat suit. And we also have our first mini-surprise of the ceremony.

1:14 The announcer guy introduces the "always-fantastic Jessica Alba." Clearly, Mr. Announcer Guy has yet to see Jessica Alba in any of her movies.

1:15 Nice restraint by Jon Stewart, waiting more than an hour to make the obligatory "Jack Nicholson is a horny old man joke."

1:17 Josh Brolin and James McAvoy — presenting Best Adapted Screenplay — do a funny bit where they recite famous lines from adapted screenplays to each other. Josh also makes another Jack-centric joke. The floodgates are officially open. (Also, Erica discovers another handsome guy in Josh Brolin she's interested in checking out.)

1:19 The Coen Bros. win and give an entertainingly awkward acceptance speech. Also, I'm a huge fan, but I freely admit that I have no idea which is Joel and which is Ethan. Either way, expect to see them again before the evening is out.

1:20 Why does the president of whatever academy is putting on the show have to come out there? I mean they HAVE to know that no one cares about them, right? Mental nap time!

1:23 I didn't see it, but Erica tells me that Miley Cyrus almost tripped as she came out to introduce Kristin Chenoweth's rendition of "That's How You Know". I'm sorry I missed it. I don't have anything against Miley — I just generally enjoy watching people almost fall.

1:24 Yes, it's that Jamaican guy that was in "Enchanted!" I like to think of him as the human version of Sebastian from "The Little Mermaid." Chenoweth's singing is obviously good, but a little too Broadway-y for my taste.

1:26 Again, Chenoweth's singing was technically good (can you tell I don't want a bunch of angry Broadway fans to get on my case?), but that performance had little-to-zero of the joy that sequence had in the movie. Sorry.

1:27 "It kinda sucked"- Erica. Obviously, she's not as scared of a bunch of Broadway geeks coming after her as I am.

1:32 Hot comics of the moment Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill are doing a very funny bit about who's more Halle Berry and who's more Judi Dench. And now, here's Sound Editing! (Personally, I agree with Jonah — I'm getting more of a Halle vibe from him.)

1:34 I wonder which hot comics of the moment will get to present at the Oscars next year. Any thoughts? Anyway, "The Bourne Ultimatum" sound editors completely choked during their speech. Kinda sad I mean — will those two ever get a chance like this again?

1:37 Apparently, all of the sound in "The Bourne Ultimatum" was impeccable as it also wins Sound Mixing.

1:39 Out of nowhere, here comes Best Actress! Personally, I think this is a pretty major award that probably should not be thrown in right after Sound Mixing, but I'm just glad I have a reason to really pay attention for a minute.

1:43 Another victory that is somewhat of a surprise as Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress over the favored Julie Christie. She's caught completely by surprise by her victory (which is cute), and I like her Benigni-lite "I'm not so good with English" enthusiasm. Seriously though, when is an American actor going to step up and win something? USA! USA!

1:48 As soon as Colin Farrell was introduced, I figured he'd be introducing "Falling Slowly" from "Once". You know, because of the Irish thing. Slightly predictable, but I'll give them credit for at least not having a black person (Keri Russell) introduce the "August Rush" performance.

1:50 I'm loving the tattered guitar Glen Hansard is rocking for this lovely performance. Also, I love that, although their on a huge stage backed by an orchestra, it still felt intimate.

1:52 "His guitar looks fucked up —like it got hit by Hurricane Katrina"- Erica. (I'm telling you, she's the real talent here, I just take her out to dinner every once in a while.)

1:54 Also, Jack Nicholson can even make an introduction of 80 years worth of Best Picture winners sound slightly creepy. That takes true talent right there. Meanwhile, the Oscars are hitting for a decent average with all their montages tonight, as I'm enjoying this look at all these brilliant films (and silently trying to figure out how many I own).

1:58 Renee Zellwegger — I'm still waiting for her to open her squinty eyes — comes out to give Best Editing to "The Bourne Ultimatum." I loved the "Bourne Ultimatum" and the Academy seems to agree that it was very well made, so why can't it get serious consideration for "Best Picture" or "Best Director". You think about that, Academy!

2:01 Wearing a chandelier around her neck, Nicole Kidman comes out to pay tribute to Honorary Oscar recipient and production designer Robert Boyle. If she's there, why did they only show her picture when Jon Stewart was giving out a baby earlier?

2:03 In his narration, Boyle says "a lot of people don't know what a production designer does." I don't feel so bad about not knowing anymore. Also, by the time his tribute is over, I STILL don't know what the hell he does. Still, if I ever make it to 98 years old, I hope I'm half as coherent as he is.

2:12 Penelope Cruz is out there — she's pretty ethnic and speaks with an accent so it must be time for "Best Foreign Film." Austria's "The Counterfeiters" wins. And, to be honest, this is probably the last time I (and probably you, if you stop kidding yourself) will think about this film.

2:15 Mrs. Announcer Woman just introduced "the versatile and handsome" Patrick Dempsey. Did I miss something? When did he become versatile? I was pretty sure all he's able to do is be handsome. (Sorry, I couldn't let an evening go by without taking, at least, a veiled shot at "Grey's Anatomy.")

2:17 After two minutes of debating, Erica finally convinces me that it is NOT Amy Adams in there dancing, but some double. She also dubs this the "boy band song" in the movie and that it is going to be huge at proms this spring. As usual, she's exactly right on both accounts.

2:19 After hearing all the nominated songs, I take back what I said about "Raise it Up" — it was a worthy nominee. Instead, I'd sub in "Pop Goes My Heart" for either "So Close" or "Happy Working Song." I liked "Enchanted", but it didn't need to have three songs nominated. I really hope "Falling Slowly" wins!

2:20 YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! – John and Erica. I like to think of this as an extension of the storyline in the movie. Guy and Girl eventually write an Oscar-winning song and deliver a charmingly humble acceptance speech.

2:22 Too bad! Marketa Irglova was about to say something but she got cut off by her own music. Jon Stewart makes a great remark about how "arrogant" Glen Hansard is. I'll just say it right now — Stewart is easily doing the best hosting job in the past decade.

2:27 Stewart just cemented himself in my mind as the best Oscar host of my lifetime (sorry Billy Crystal) after bringing out Irglova and giving her a chance to say what she wanted. All together now: AWWWWWWWW.

2:30 Cameron Diaz struggles through the word cinematography (but makes light of it) and gives Roger Elswit and "There Will Be Blood" the film's first award of the evening.

2:32 Hilary Swank introduces the In Memoriam segment. Heath Ledger HAS to be the overwhelming favorite to receive the most applause and the coveted award for "Dead Celebrity We Apparently Miss the Most."

2:35 I think Ledger got the most applause (it could've been director Ingmar Bergman). Still, Ledger definite had the benefit of the music crescendoing as his clip came up. Also, where the hell was Brad Renfro?!

2:39 Amy Adams throws "Atonement" a freaking bone, I mean, presents the film with Best Original Score.

2:43 I wonder if the soldiers in Iraq who are introducing the nominees for Best Documentary Short Subject are able to watch themselves introducing Best Documentary Short Subject right now. Also, did they feel shafted by getting such a lame category?

2:47 I asked it yesterday during my picks, and I'll ask it again right now — does the Academy dare put Michael Moore on its stage in an election year — and when so many nominees are examinations of the war in Iraq — after booing him for being critical of Bush? (I guess not, as "Taxi to the Dark Side" takes the prize.)

2:54 Looks like somebody just woke up Harrison Ford to present Best Original Screenplay. Anyway, he thankfully looks a lot livelier in the trailer for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull", so I'll allow you to geek out over that. You're welcome.

2:55 Mostly, I just like being able to write the phrase, "Oscar winner Diablo Cody". I also like that, even though she was a heavy favorite to win, she's still genuinely surprised and touched. Awww, emotion! She got choked up towards the end of her speech.

3:00 We're at the three-hour mark, so it's time for the Daniel Day Lewis Award, aka Best Actor in a Leading Role. Can his upcoming speech possibly be as good as his Heath Ledger tribute at the SAGs?

3:02 No matter what Helen Mirren is doing, she's always performing the hell out of it.

3:04 Lewis has a little kiss for Clooney on his way to the stage. Erica just pointed out that it was by far the most poetic speech of the evening (or any other evening really). He was obviously delighted that he won, but completely in control the entire time.

3:10 I can see the light at the end of the tunnel that is this telecast as they're about to hand out the award for Best Director from Oscar winner Martin Scorcese (how good is it to finally be able to say that?) I've got the Coens, but would have absolutely no problem with P.T. Anderson taking the prize home.

3:13 Ok, apparently Ethan is the shorter, more awkward (and funnier?) one. Actually, that's not true, they're both pretty funny. I have a feeling they shouldn't go too far since the award for "Best Picture" is coming up.

3:16 A curiously bald Denzel Washington (the same way Jack Nicholson was curiously bald last year) gives Best Picture to "No Country". The Coens come back out from backstage, but let a bald man talk instead (my sources tell me he's super producer Scott Rudin). I approve of this choice.

3:17 I also approve of this ceremony, which, if memory serves, actually clocked in shorter than the Grammys a few weeks ago. The nominated movie that I thought was the best won Best Picture, and Jon Stewart was a terrific host. Very good times tonight, I'd say.

Hope you had as much fun reading about me watching the show, as I had watching the show. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me the entire time and I owe you a hug. If you quit around the two-hour mark, then scrolled to the end, thanks for reading ANYTHING that I write anyway — but you get no hug. Good night.

John's Grammy Diary

Ok, so I didn't even decide that I was going to do a Grammy diary until about an hour ago.

I don't know who ALL of the nominees are, but I'll do the best possible job of acting like I know what I'm talking about. Also, it's the 50th anniversary of the Grammys so, at the very least, there should be at least one or two great live performances.

Whoops, the show is starting. Let's get this party started:

0:01 The opening of the Grammys is usually a nice surprise and tonight, for the 50th birthday, we've got — one of those mildly creepy performances where a living artist (Alicia Keys in this case) duets with a dead one (Frank Sinatra). Alicia Keys is fantastic, so there's no way this'll be as bad (or creepy) as the Celine/Elvis fiasco.

0:04 Seriously, besides Natalie Cole singing with her dad, does anyone still think these séance performances are "cool"? Kind of a let down for the night's opening number. Whatever, it's always good to see Alicia Keys with her green boob dress (Erica's words) and faux-hawky 'do combo.

0:05 Like you, I've heard "Before He Cheats" approximately 4,690 times, so, as weird as it is, I'll accept her being joined by the cast of "Stomp."

0:07 It finally happened! I think I just saw Carrie Underwood show emotion in her usually blank face. The rumors that she's not an android may turn out to be true.

0:09 Prince, forsaking purple for red, comes out to present Best Female R&B Vocal Performance (whatever the hell that means). All I know is that Prince is the man because even as he announced the nominees, it seemed like he was trying to seduce everyone. He even found time to make a funny.

0:10 The first winner of the night, Alicia Keys, doesn't have far to walk to pick up her award.

0:16 Ok, that was weird. It looked like Jimmy Jam was getting ready to talk, but instead, Morris Day and The Time is singing "Jungle Love". I actually love this, because I didn't really give a damn about whatever Jimmy Jam was going to say.

0:18 Whoa, Rihanna just showed up in the middle of "Jungle Love" and imposed "Umbrella" onto their performance. Erica wonders whether that's all she can sing. I actually liked how she showed up. It's like in wrestling, when one wrestler's blabbing in the ring, and then you hear another's entrance music as they're about to interrupt whoever's out there. "Umbrella" is Rihanna's entrance music.

0:19 I'm sensing an old/new theme tonight. Should be fun. Also, Rihanna throws it in Erica's face by singing "Don't Stop the Music."

0:22 To enchance his music cred, Tom Hanks is introduced as "the executive producer of the upcoming miniseries John Adams." Honestly, out of all the things Tom Hanks has done, THIS is how you introduce him?

0:24 The live crowd oddly cheers while Tom Hanks is still talking. I'm guessing that the Cirque du Soleil people are setting up on stage as he speaks/stalls.

0:25 Full disclosure. This is a sneak preview of sorts for me and Erica. We're going to catch the Cirque du Soleil show "La Nouba" on Valentine's Day and hopefully we'll deal with it better than Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd in "Knocked Up."

0:27 "Breakdancing to the Beatles — I never thought I'd see the day" – Erica. That pretty much sums things up for me too.

0:29 Ok, so the black "Let it be" kid from "Across the Universe" has grown up almost as much as much as Walt on "Lost." Walt?! Waaaaalllllttt! (Sorry.)

0:32 Hannah Montana and Cyndi Lauper are presenting Best New Artist and, even though Lauper now looks like a character in a Tim Burton movie, she still exudes more star quality than Miley. Amy Winehouse — who you may have heard is not present — takes the trophy.

0:34 Jason Bateman is outside, near the Staples Center, hyping up the Foo Fighters' upcoming "My Grammy Moment" performance. When he clarified who John Paul Jones was ("from Led Zepplin for the morons") millions of people 25 and under went "Oh ok — hey!"

0:37 Bateman kinda fumbles his script, but I forgive him for calling the cello player "lazy over there in the seat".

0:44 Apparently Kanye West needs no introduction — just red flames behind him. Also, his black light sunglasses look cool.

0:46 Nice catch by Erica pointing out that Kanye's jacket is probably an homage to Michael Jackson. She's a LOT smarter than me. I'm sorry that you're stuck with me here.

0:48 Fierce performance by Kanye with "Stronger". I mean, you're kinda limited with what you can do as far as a rap stage performance, but Kanye always keeps things interesting.

0:49 The night's first touching moment — Kanye sings to his mom. Aww. It doesn't even matter that he's not the best singer in the world, he sounds absolutely genuine — my favorite moment so far.

0:52 I think Fergie sounds ok, but Erica informs me that it's "the lame song on her CD" and gives her a B-/C+. Also, John Legend is kind of overqualified to merely be Fergie's piano accompaniment.

0:55 They give Ringo Starr (where's Paul) and George Martin the award for Best Soundtrack before fleeing the stage as quickly as they can. Some people just don't love giving acceptance speeches. I hope to one day win something so I can be in that position.

1:02 Cher looks more and more like a drag queen impersonating Cher everytime I see her. She introduces a legalicious Beyonce.

1:03 Erica dubs her "performance", "The Beyonce Monologues". Apparently, it was all an elaborate way of introducing Tina Turner — the original legalicious diva.

1:04 Could Tina Turner's face look any tighter? It looks like she sucked on two dozen lemons. Fortunately, she sounds pretty good and this is entertaining. I can't wait till she gets together with Beyonce for a leg-off.

1:07 Phew — when Tina finished I thought for more than a moment that she wasn't going to sing "Proud Mary" with Beyonce, but here we go!

1:11 I dug that performance. Each woman brought it — it wasn't like an older performer embarrassing themselves or a younger one not having the chops to keep up with a legend.

1:12 Nelly Furtado with blonde hair — D. (For point of reference, Amy Winehouse with blonde hair is an F.)

1:14 Amy Winehouse picks up "Song of the Year" for Rehab — well, she doesn't literally pick up the award because, you know.

1:19 Jason Bateman is back to announce the "My Grammy Moment" winner and it's dark outside now. I've got the shaggy, curly-haired kid winning.

1:20 They give it to the first girl (we both know I'm not going to look up her name). I actually though they'd give it to the lazy cellist. Oh well. Erica rightly points out that America just voted for "the hot one". Is that why Obama dominated this past weekend?

1:24 Wait a minute, she's just part of the orchestra! I thought we were going to see a solo violin breakdown! At least the Foo Fighers are rockin' hard (as usual).

1:31 Oh great, George Lopez is out there. As you can tell I'm not a big fan. Quick, how long until he makes a joke about being Mexi­— oh, there it is. How predictable.

1:32 Lopez introduces Brad Paisley (makes perfect sense). I mentally tune out while Erica opines that "he's cute."

1:34 Ok, I'll try to pay attention seeing as how this is the first country performance of the evening. (Ohhhh, I just took a mini-shot at "Before He Cheats"!)

1:36 Solid work by Paisley. Sometimes it's good to take a break from pyrotechnics, dozens of backup dancers and trapeze artists for live performances.

1:38 Kanye wins, and that means that we're spared one of his trademark tantrums. I can't figure out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

1:39 On top of winning Best Rap Album, Kanye wins the coveted award for "First Person To Be Played Off Stage" — but Kanye's telling us he's not going. He also finds time to be a little self-centered and a bit of a baby (in victory!). If only he'd lighten up on that junk a bit, people could throw their arms around this guy.

1:42 It's ridiculous how good Aretha Franklin still sounds. She's headlining a tribute to gospel music.

1:47 There are WAY too many performers on stage for me to keep track of who's who in this gospel thing. Sorry.

1:50 I just checked my TV Guide assuming that this thing would end in about half an hour only to find out to my slight horror that it's actually THREE AND A HALF HOURS LONG. At least they're keeping things moving at a nice pace.

1:56 A stripped-down Feist hits the stage. No colorful ensemble and backup clappers, just her and her guitar (and some tubas). I like it. A little tuba never hurt anybody. (Too bad about the slight feedback at the end — that's a shame.)

1:59 Kid Rock just joined Keely Smith on stage and sorta hit on her. I'm just glad he's wearing a shirt for a change.

2:00 I never thought Kid Rock would be singing something I'd want to swing dance to until two hours into the 50th Grammy ceremony.

2:02 Foo Fighters rush in from their "My Grammy Moment" to win Best Rock Album. Dave Grohl is just a cool dude. That's all there is too it.

2:04 They're REALLY hyping Amy Winehouse's performance. It better be really good or really bad. Anything in between will be sort of a let down.

2:10 I get that Stevie Wonder is blind so he doesn't care, but would it kill whoever dresses him to just put him in a white shirt, dark suit and tie every once in a while? Right now he's trying to rock a leopard print shirt with a black sleeveless kimono. Still, I loved him busting out some "No One" as he introduced Alicia Keys.

2:11 That's right! Alicia Keys is so good, she gets to perform twice! She even got up out from behind the piano and is walking around.

2:14 Overqualified accompanist 2 shows up in the person of John Mayer to rock out at the end of "No One". At least they let him sing harmony. The end got zany and, according to Erica, trippy. We liked it.

2:16 Whoa, Ringo Starr came out on stage with someone who looks just like him to present Best Country Album! (Allegedly it's someone named Dave Stewart, but I'm sticking to my clone theory.)

2:18 "I just had an award given to me by a Beatle — have you had THAT happen Kanye?" Vince Gill takes a commanding lead for "Quote of the Night." (Who the hell could've seen that coming?)

2:24 "Criminal Minds" star Joe Mantegna comes out to honor two of the Lifetime Award Recipients. I get that the show is on CBS, but if we're going to have someone from one of their shows, why not David Caruso? "Looks like someone (pause, shades on) struck the wrong chord — YEEEAAAAHHHH!"

2:27 We're being treated to a combination classical music and jazz performance of "Rhapsody in Blue" (I think). I suspect 70% of people watching this telecast just got up to go pee.

2:33 Taylor Swift and a slightly skeezy Juanes present Rihanna and Jay Z the award for Best Rap Sung collaboration. Jay Z playfully butts in on her acceptance speech to translate what she really means when she's talking, until she playfully keeps him away. Erica and I like her new, shorter 'do.

2:40 The announcer tells us Cuba Gooding Jr. (pronounced Cooba apparently), who's in London to introduce Amy Winehouse. I guess they figured that if he's out of the country, there's less of a chance he'll do one of those horrible family comedies he's been squandering his Oscar on.

2:41 Phew. Not only is Amy Winehouse presumably sober and definitely coherent, but she's not blonde! (She's sporting her trademark dark-haired beehive.) As a bonus, she sounds really good. Mostly, I'm glad this immensely talented artist put herself together, if only for one evening.

2:45 She finishes up her performance with more than a little sass and attitude — sort of an exclamation point at the end of "Rehab." VERY nice job.

2:48 Aww, Amy Winehouse looks genuinely shocked and overcome with emotion (and a little scared) that she won "Record of the Year" and the London peoples start chanting her name. Good for her! Erica calls for someone to give her a sandwich, and the best Amy can manage is a cockney shout out to London. I believe that's the first time I've actually heard her speak.

2:56 Neil Portnow, the president of the Academy is out there giving his spiel about the Grammy Awards' mission. Why couldn't Morris Day and the Time come out and interrupt THIS instead? The most interesting thing happening now is that I can't stop thinking how this guy looks and sounds just like actor Ron Silver. He also gives a brief shout out to the members of the Writers Guild of America (yay! Looks like the strike will be over soon).

3:02 Luciano Pavarotti blows away the competition during the annual "In Memoriam" segment by garnering the most applause.

3:03 Andrea Bocelli and Josh Groban hit the stage for what is sure to be some truly angelic singing.

3:07 As beautiful as that was, this telecast is starting to lose a bit of steam. This show needs to do something to liven things up or I may not make it to the finish line.

3:09 (Don't tell anyone, but I'm watching Groban's "You Are Loved" on YouTube. They used to play it before movies at BayWalk's Muvico Theatre in St. Pete — I've liked it ever since.)

3:12 We've got some rock pioneers in action as John Fogerty, Jerry Lee Lewis and Little Richard hit the stage. Well, they gingerly take to the stage anyway. I'll believe that Lewis and Little Richard can walk when I see it.

3:16 At least Little Richard still sounds ferocious. Erica marvels at how he can still look the way he looks. When was the last time he DIDN'T look like that? He sure looked like that the first time I saw him — as Old King Cole in "Mother Goose Rock 'n Rhyme". You know you watched it.

3:17 "Could this performance be any older?" – Erica

3:24 I didn't realize "Mack the Knife" needed to be remade into a rap song by Will.I.Am. It actually doesn't sound that bad. Erica and I try to figure out whether he's freestyling. (I say "yes", Erica says "not totally".)

3:26 Whoa, even though I jot down the amount of time that's elapsed every time, "Album of the Year" snuck up on me! Usher and Quincy Jones will hand it out. Usher takes a jab at Kanye by reminding him that "there are no losers in this category."

3:28 "What the fuck?!?!" – My reaction to Herbie Hancock winning the evening's biggest award. This column is rated PG-13, so I can say the f-word once and get away with it.

3:29 I mean, really. Who had THIS one? Does this mean "Bee Movie" is going to snag Best Picture at the Oscars in a few weeks? (It would be pretty much just as unexpected.) I think I just heard Kanye West punch a wall. Herbie Hancock DOES give a nice speech about this being the first jazz album to win "Album of the Year" in "like forever" (not exactly his words), though he DOES ramble on a bit toward the end.

3:30 Um, I guess that's it. It was a pretty entertaining show — at least until things sort of took a dive towards the end ala "I Am Legend". Thanks for hanging out, and a BIG thanks if you actually read through this entire thing. Pat yourself on the back. I owe you a hug when I see you.

3:37 Oh, the show's not quite over! They show the Cirque du Soleil people over the closing credits. Erica makes the obligatory and appropriate "The mushrooms are turning on me!" joke.

John's MTV VMA Diary

From the creator of "John's Oscar Diary" comes "John's MTV VMA Diary"! (From writing about the Oscars to writing about the VMAs...that's a pretty damn steep decline.) Anyway, here we go:

-:01 "He looks like a stale French fry...with AIDS" - my girl Erica (who's joining me via phone) on pre-show host John Norris' new blonde look. I concur and I have a feeling this isn't the last we'll hear from Erica tonight.

On a side note, why does MTV still employ John Norris? I guess they want a guy who's 20 years older than the rest of their personalities to give off that "creepy older guy" vibe to make their other VJ's look better.

:00 I heard a rumor MTV was going to be broadcasting something related to music, so I tuned in to see if it was true.

:01 The general consensus is that Britney's looking a little chunky (and it shows by how she's not moving around too much). Did she eat just before she went on stage? Also, it looks like they borrowed the set from "Chicago's" "Cell Block Tango" for her performance of "Gimme More."

:03 Britney's done. Is that it? I guess so. I guess I kinda expected a little more from Britney's "big comeback" than 2 1/2 minutes of lip synching. It was...mediocre. I mean, mediocrity is pretty much the worst she could've done. Even a train wreck of a performance would've been preferable. Where's Madonna? Maybe it's not too late to make out with her!

:06 And Sarah Silverman's doing what she does. She'll start out with a mildly funny/mean line, and eventually she crosses the line, this time by making me think of Britney Spears "hairless vagina"...and then illustrating it with her lips. Ick.

:07 And now Sarah Silverman is babbling on and on (as she tends to do) as the silence from the audience gets stonier and stonier. Now she's gone...I'll spend the next 15 seconds trying to figure out what the point of that was.

:09 Alicia Keys is out there looking like she could kick my ass with her ripped arms. Don't sleep on "The Piano Diet."

:11 She threw it over to Kanye West and Justin Timerlake and Timbaland in different parts of Vegas as the VMAs try to mix it up. Mostly I'm just trying to figure out why there's a guy in a bunny costume behind Pete Wentz of "Fall Out Boy".

:13 "Monster Single of the Year" is up, given to the song that was everywhere this year! I like the name of that award, it's better than "Biggest song of the year" or something generic like that. They should have more creative categories like that. I mean, tell me you wouldn't be tuning in for when they presented something like "Sluttiest Video of the Year."

:14 After about 18 nominees, "Umbrella" wins, to the surprise of no one and a bright pink Rihanna accepts the first award of the evening.

:15 Ok, Kanye is doing "Stronger" at his party. He wasn't introduced or anything, but I guess this is the second performance of the night. I believe this is the first time that someone who needs no introduction actually started performing with no introduction.

:16 Nevermind, they're going to commercial as he's performing. Just weird.

:21 Bill Hader and Seth Rogen, aka the best part of "Superbad" (sorry, but it's true) are hanging out at a bar/explaining the rules for Best New Artist.

:22 Carrie Underwood?! How many years of eligibility does Carrie Underwood have left as a new artist. Damn!

:23 Jennier Hudson and Robin Thicke come out to present "Quadrupule Threat of the Year." I take back what I said about liking the creatively named awards after seeing nominee Kanye West included as a "social activist." I mean, he may very well be that, but what the hell does that have to do with any videos. They're reaching.

:25 JT wins, yells out something about playing more videos on MTV and goes back to partying with the crowd. It's the leader in the clubhouse for best acceptance speech.

:27 ...and a member of Fall Out Boy (I can't tell those emo kids apart) completely fails as he tries to smash his guitar and nearly takes out a band member. Nice.

:32 Ok, now it's the Foo Fighters' turn to perform at a random party with no introduction. It's fun watching people thrash around as they "dance" to hard rock.

:33 ...and the show cuts away as it starts to get good. Thanks MTV.

:34 Oh, Kanye and 50 Cent on stage together. If you didn't know Fitty said he'd retire if Kanye outsold him on Tuesday, though I heard he's since backed out on that. Somebody must've finally told Fitty that he kinda sucks.

:35 Beyonce and Shakira beat Timberlake and Timbaland in a minor upset for "Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration" (nice title) for "Beautiful Liar". I think the Earth just shook when one of Beyonce's boobs almost fell out of her dress.

:36 And the show cuts away while a sleveless Adam Levine sings. Interesting strategy cutting off every single musical performance. (I mean, who the hell wants to hear music, right?) I wonder what the thinking behind that decision was, but let's see where they're going with this.

:38 To be honest I don't know why I'm writing about this since I hardly get to see videos anymore. The only videos I ever watch are between 8 and 8:20 a.m. on VH-1's "Jump Start" when I'm getting ready for work. Based on that experience, I'm shocked Elliot Yamin's "Wait for You" and Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" aren't sweeping this thing.

:43 Erica and I are 75 percent sure Rosario Dawson and Alicia Keys are wearing the same dress.

:44 Chris Brown is the second person (after Britney) who gets to perform on stage as opposed to at some random party. I guess you can only perform on the main stage if you're blatantly lip-synching. Still, I like that he had two little kids dancing with him and that he appeared to be paying homage to "Carnivale" at the beginning.

:46 Oh, Rihanna just jumped in and I woke up. I mean, Chris Brown is a great dancer and all, but I ALWAYS just kinda space out during his performances...he's just not that interesting to me, sorry. I'll even overlook how much I hate Chris Brown's "Cinderella" (his take on "Umbrella") which is sure to follow.

:48 Ooh, instead of singing "Cinderella" he's doing an homage to Michael Jackson. How original. (At least I didn't have to sit through "Cinderalla")

:49 My mom just called in to berate me for not liking Chris Brown.

:56 I don't know who these chicks are, but I'll assume they're from "The Hills" or something.

:57 "Male Artist of the Year" (what a conventional title!) goes to JT in another shocker. Wait, now JT is present to accept the award after being at a different party. I'm confused!

:58 My 14-year-old brother pointed out to me that the parties are probably happening at different parts of the same hotel. I feel like an idiot.

:59 Justin reiterates his plea to play more damn videos. Yay! In response, MTV orders 72 more episodes of "The Ashlee Simpson Show."

1:05 Now JT is back with Fitty somewhere different. Maybe they pre-taped some of this stuff. Ok, I'll stop trying to figure it out before I go crazy.

1:08 Shia LeBeouf comes out with the wispiest mustache of the night.

1:09 Did he seriously just announce the title of the new Indy movie. Damn, I thought he was just kidding and setting us up for a fakeout. I wish I had been paying attention! Something about a Kingdom of a Skull. Dammit!

1:10 Fergie wins, and Ludacris accepts on her behalf. Oh wait, no he doesn't, so LeBeouf accepts the award in the evening's most awkward moment.

1:11 As he performs with Kanye, Erica wonders if the big shiny metal thing T-Pain is holding is a Horcrux. Seriously, what the hell is that thing?

1:15 My sources tell me Shia LeBeouf actually said "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls" Still not 100 percent sure he's not kidding. I love me some Indiana Jones, but that's a damn long title. Also, what the hell does that even mean?!

1:18 It's the girl from "Transformers" (aka Megan Fox) who, for some reason, didn't come out with Shia LeBeouf. That would've made too much sense. At least she confirms the multiple parties are happening in the same hotel and that my know-it-all brother was right. I can let it go now.

1:19 We're treated to the musical stylings of Timbaland who's serving as "Musical Maestro" for the evening. I wonder what goofy title I can give myself. Maybe Grandmsater Scribe.

1:22 Linkin Park is giving, by far, the liveliest performance of the night. No joke or sarcasm...I'm just calling it like I see it.

1:23 E and Vinny Chase from "Entourage" show up to present "Best Group". I realize those two have real names, but I don't really care to type them. Every one knows they're "E" and "Vinny Chase." Turtle and Drama must be off somewhere else getting into a wacky adventure. Fall Out Boy won, in case you care. Seems like they're just handing out awards based on the groups instead of, you know, the videos.

1:30 Ok, I'll go to decent lengths to defend "Umbrella"...but Rihanna's "Shut up and Drive" sucks. It sounds like it should be on the soundtrack to something. Maybe "The 4ast and the 4urious." (You just know that's getting made.)

1:33 Nelly shows up with a beer in his hand (classy). I'd kinda forgotten he existed to be honest. I mean, who else that I've forgotten is gonna show up? Ja Rule, where are you?

1:34 He introduces a piano-less Alicia Keys. I'll take the next three minutes to wonder if there's anything Alicia Keys can't do.

1:36 She just gave in to her piano-withdrawal.

1:44 Yes! Gym Class Heroes' "Clothes Off"! (my myspace profile song) That song is so much fun and I wish the radio down here would play it. I love it!

1:45 Ok, Jamie Foxx appears to be making "The Kingdom" co-star really uncomfortable. It's making for pretty decent comedy. I like Jamie Foxx a LOT, but why does he feel like he needs to act like a jackass at MTV awards.

1:47 Foxx plugs "The Kingdom" for the second time in less than two minutes.

1:50 Gym Class Heroes (or as Jennifer Garner calls them, "Gym Class Fallout") wins in a shocking upset over the likes of Amy Winehouse and others for Best New Artist. Or as Jennifer Garner called it "Best New Group." Garner and Foxx considerably livened this show up.

1:51 Miss Teen South Carolina shows up to spoof her map-mishap (mismap?!). I get that she can laugh at herself, but her bit wasn't effective at all and kinda lame. Sorry. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to watching this.

1:57 Mary J. Blige (who Erica thinks is overrated) comes out to introduce a tribute to Dr. Dre. I bet you motherf---as act like you forgot about Dre.

1:58 Damn, Dre's been working out at the same gym as Timbaland. Also, nevermind on the tribute, he's just introducing "Video of the Year." So, if you're keeping score, Mary J. Blige introduced Dre so he could introduce something else.

1:59 Rihanna's "Umbrella" wins the evening's biggest prize. Yay! Somewhere, Mandy Moore is kicking a trash can over in disgust.

2:01 According to my TV guide, this thing was supposed to end after two hours (at 11 p.m.) but Diddy and Young Joc appear to be holding us hostage for a bit longer. This better be good.

2:02 By the way, "Heroes" Hayden Panettiere has shown up as some sort of guest a few times VJ and has done an infinitely better (and less creepy) job than John Norris.

2:04 Apparently, we're going to get some JT, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado. I think it's just so cute that those three are getting a little exposure for their music.

2:05 Some blonde impostor knocked out Nelly Furtado backstage and is performing in her place. (Is that John Norris?!) Actually, she doesn't look too bad.

2:06 I try in vain to find a photo of a blonde John Norris so you can SEE what I'm talking about. The Internet must have some sort of firewall against such a horrible sight.

2:07 Timbaland does a bit of "The Way I Are" (blatantly defying good grammar), while JT sings my favorite song on his CD, "Lovestoned." It's a shame that song has such a crappy video. I mean, who's the one who said using "Windows Media Player" technology would be a good idea.

2:11 I mean, that was a decent performance, but nothing I'd say was special. Weird way to close out a weird show. Thanks for reading though!