Dancing with the Stars: "Maybe It's Time To Get Out"

And all this time I thought I was watching “Dancing with the Stars” because I enjoy ballroom dancing, orchestral butchering of popular songs, the insanely hot female Pros, the bonkers yet sneakily-insightful judges panel and Tom Bergeron’s awareness of just how ridiculous this show is.

Nope. I was wrong.

Turns out Maksim Chmerkovskiy “made” this show the juggernaut it has become. Before I break down Monday night’s Broadway Week, I have to talk about Maks’ mini-meltdown. (I’m purposefully skipping all the backpedaling I’m sure he’s been doing for most of Tuesday.)

First of all, I’m neither shocked nor deeply offended by what Maks said. Why should I? The self-proclaimed “Bad Boy of the Ballroom” often comes off as an abrasive jerk to his partners in what we see of rehearsals. We also know the self-proclaimed “Sex on a Stick” has a pretty high opinion of himself.

So while I’m not at all surprised that Maks BELIEVES what he said, I am a bit surprised he actually said what he said. From watching this couple the last few weeks, I would’ve guessed that Hope was the one that wanted to go home, but instead it seems like Maks —who has never won the not-that-coveted Mirrorball Tropy — is the one who’s ready to be done with the show.

I’m actually a fan of Maks (my favorite DWTS couple is probably still Mel B and Maks), but the bottom line is that he looked like an immature fool last night. The worst part was when he chastised the judges for being too judgmental. (Actually, the worst part was how mortified Hope looked.) The crack to Len about maybe it being time to get out of the ballroom business was a low-blow too, but Len strikes me as a guy who can take as well as dish it, so that didn’t bother me as much.

While you take the appropriate time to fully appreciate the ridiculousness of that previous statement, let’s talk about last night’s couples, in order of appearance.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: Last week, I declared that Rob was the third best dancer on the show. I’m not ready to back off that statement yet, but I think he took a slight cha cha cha step backward with his performance of “Walk Like a Man.” The technique was still there, but he looked more like the tentative kid from earlier this season and less like the dancer who was almost Cheryl’s equal during their rumba last week. (Cheryl looked more butch than him.) If anything, it looks like that visit from his mom rattled him.

Nancy Grace and Tristan: Talk about Always Looking on the Bright Side of Life. A ‘9’ Carrie Ann? Really?! I’ve always said that Nancy’s technique was solid, but I didn’t see anything last night that was significantly better than, say, her “Flash Gordon” Paso doble. In fact, I thought the parts of the foxtrot that were in hold were pretty basic and dull. Fortunately, Nancy really came to life during the jazzier, side-by-side solo work and showed strong performance quality for the first time.

David Arquette and Kym: How was delightful Aussie Kym never cast as Sandy from “Grease” on this show before last night? Perfect casting aside, David Arquette’s quickstep proved to be a little too unstable and wobbly, even if it was perfectly delightful. It’s to the point where David seems like such a nice guy and so happy about everything having to do with the show (he’s the anti-Hope) that I end up rooting for him to be better than he actually is…and I’m slightly underwhelmed.

Ricki Lake and Derek: The inevitable Ricki vs. J.R. storyline for the finals really started to gain steam last night. (Although, last night it seemed like EVERYONE was gunning for J.R.) There’s not really much for me to add to the overall excellence of Ricki’s “Luck Be a Lady” quickstep other than to reiterate how great of a choreographer Derek is and to show gratitude than Ricki is now letting her weight-loss come up organically rather than mention it every single week.

Chaz Bono and Lacey: Coming off a season-best samba last week, it’s not a shock to see Chaz take a bit of a step back. I didn’t think his tango was as bad as most of the judges made it out to be (decent posture, solid footwork). Then again maybe I didn’t hate it because his “Phantom of the Opera” mask covered up most of the wincing that usually makes Chaz’s performances literally painful to watch.

Hope Solo and Maks (pictured, left): Since I covered Maks-gate up top, I’m going to focus on the dancing. I don’t know why the Pros don’t bring in dancers that are the same sex as their celeb partners more often because it makes a WORLD of difference to see how movements and steps are supposed to be done. It seemed to work for a while with Hope…until the troupe dancers went away. By the time she hit the dance floor, she was mostly her stiff self, which can be passable in certain dances, but NOT the rumba, which is supposed to be fluid. I wouldn’t call it her worst dance of the season (as Len did) but I still can’t imagine she’s long for this show.

Unfortunately, all this controversy overshadowed the fact that this was a rumba to “Seasons of Love” from “Rent.” (You probably have to be musical theatre geek to appreciate how ridiculous the previous sentence is.)

J.R. Martinez and Karina: J.R. closed the competition portion of the evening with a show-stopping quickstep to the closing number from “Chicago.” If there’s one clear advantage J.R. has over Ricki, I’d say it’s his musicality (the way he feels the music and translates it to his movements). That was once again on display last night. I don’t know if this was actually Karina’s most ambitious routine (as she claimed), but I WAS a little scared that J.R. would blow his cartwheel. Crisis averted and J.R. tied Ricki atop the leader board.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you a fan of the “Big Spender” group number? (I actually LOVED the group stuff…but could’ve done without each individual couple mangling their lifts.) Was Maks ok to complain or is Len the only one allowed to complain? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I think Chaz’s time may be up.)

Dancing with the Stars: Manic Monday

I may have been out of commission the last two weeks — thanks to a Tampa Bay Bucs football game that pre-empted “Dancing with the Stars” and my vacation last week — but it’s been pretty obvious for a while now that the battle for this season’s ridiculous mirrorball trophy is between J.R. Martinez and Ricki Lake.

J.R. and Ricki are SO much better than everyone else — especially with the once-promising Kristen and Chynna gone — that watching everyone else has become somewhat of a waste of time.

Read-on for my thoughts on who SHOULD join J.R. and Ricki in the finals, as well as my breakdown of each couple on 80’s Night (so much neon!), in order of appearance.

Hope Solo and Maks (pictured, right): I’m sorry, but I’m just not seeing what the judges and everyone else seems to be seeing in Hope. (Especially Len, who keeps claiming she has a chance to go all the way.) Although her performance quality has improved each week (as silly as it was, I really liked seeing her rock out at the end of “Livin’ on a Prayer”) I still find her to be an incredibly awkward and stiff dancer. Fortunately, being a little stiff isn’t the worst thing in the world when you’re dancing the tango, as she was last night. Still, I think she’s a pretty bad dancer who hasn’t noticeably improved since week 1. On top of that, watching her argue with Maks is officially as depressing as watching Brandy argue with Maks. (Except that Brandy never me giggle by saying that she’s accustomed to having “balls being driven at her face.”) Oh well…at least she’s still really hot!

Carson Kressley and Anna: Whatever strides Carson made as a competent dancer during his paparazzi-themed tango a few weeks ago have officially been undone by his pirate waltz last week and his unwieldy cheerleading jive this week. Carson’s a terrible dancer, but since we already established that either J.R. or Ricki are winning, I’m ok with keeping Carson around as long as I get to type phrases like “pirate waltz” and “cheerleading jive.” Bruno perfectly summed up Carson’s dance (and the entire show in general) by calling it “a crowning achievement in madness.”

Nancy Grace and Tristan: Nancy really is not a bad dancer at all. The problem is that she continues to show infinitely more personality during her rehearsal packages (Nancy Grace was a cheerleader…who still remembers her chants?!) than she does on the dance floor. (In fact, we’ve seen more nipple than personality from Nancy in the ballroom up to this point.) Her rumba to “True” was, once again, solid but unspectacular. I was more interested by her continuing banter with Tristan, who is the most interesting new Pro this show has added in years.

J.R. Martinez and Karina: Jose Rene Martinez’s samba was absolutely the best dance of the night. I can’t really understand why Carrie Ann wasn’t “feeling it”, but I did enjoy the way Bruno milked the crowd before giving the couple its first 10. I honestly don’t see any weaknesses with J.R. as a DWTS competitor: he can do Latin and ballroom and he can be funny/charming, as well as completely serious.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: Ladies and gentleman, my official third place pick for this season of “Dancing with the Stars”! I never would’ve guessed it after the first week, but Rob’s gradual improvement (like a hare, not a rabbit) has made him into a shockingly proficient and engaging dancer. As the judges pointed out last night, he actually looked like he was Cheryl’s equal for the first time, and there’s really no reason to believe that won’t continue. (I don’t even think he’ll need lesson on how to be “sexy” from his pal Romeo, who skeezed me out a few times last season when he constantly hit on Chelsie.)

Chaz Bono and Lacey: It may seem like faint praise, but this was absolutely Chaz’s best dance during his time on the show. I was worried for his creaky knees when I heard he was going to have to do a samba to “Get Down On It.” Thankfully, Lacey’s impressively limber/energetic dad Buddy (a world-renowned dancer who happens to be a large man like Chaz) was on-hand to help and seemingly inspired Chaz. Since Chaz looked like he was having fun (or, at least, like he wasn’t in pain) I was finally able to enjoy watching him.

David Arquette and Kym: Like Len, I enjoyed the 80’s punk vibe more than I did the actual tango to “Tainted Love,” which was solid. If anything, David seemed so paranoid about being technically perfect (he freaked out at the prospect of breaking hold) that he lost a good part of his performance quality, which is his greatest strength. At least we got a dose of that during his great Len impression in rehearsal. (“It’s like ordering fish and not getting the chips!”)

Ricki Lake and Derek: After earning the first 10s of the season last week, the most predictable thing in the world was that the judges would be extra hard on Ricki or look for a way to knock her down a notch so she doesn’t peak too early. They didn’t have to look too hard last night. The judges crushed her for being off-rhythm while busting out the Roger Rabbit dance. My biggest problem with her alleged foxtrot is that I’d have absolutely no idea that it was SUPPOSED to be a foxtrot if I hadn’t heard English-accented announcer guy introduce it as such. Still, she was very strong while in hold and (unlike Chynna and Kristen) performed late in the show, so I suspect she’ll be fine.

So what’d you think of this episode? Anyone else surprised that The Bangles were still together, much less releasing a new album this fall? Finally, am I way off base on Hope? If so, who do you think is going home tonight?

Glee: The 'Cool' Asian

At this point, I think a lot of us can agree that pretty much every character on “Glee” is incredibly annoying.

As far as I’m concerned, the exceptions are Brittany/Puck (who mostly speak in dim bulb one-liners, so they’re not even on-screen long enough to get annoying), Coach Beiste (with her gigantic plate of pasta) and Santana (who is awesome).

(And *POOF* Santana is back in glee club after being dramatically kicked off by Mr. Schue a grand total of TWO episodes ago. Sure! why not?)

For the most part, I can understand why the characters are annoying. Most of them are high school kids, and teenagers — with their selfishness, fickleness and immaturity — are generally horrible people.

In a shocking turn of events, two of the characters who usually get on my last nerve wound up being among the most likable people onscreen in “Asian F.”

And, no, I’m not talking about Sue (who had an odd, silent cameo last night) and Will Schuester, who solidified his position as the worst character on TV. Don’t believe me? Last night, Will went from harsh (berating Mercedes during booty camp when she clearly wasn’t feeling well) to creepy (“Here’s my big box of porn, Emma!”) to idiotically insecure (inviting Emma’s parents for dinner because he thought she was ashamed of him). At least we were introduced to the hilariously specific world of ginger supremacy.

No, I’m actually talking about Rachel Berry and Mike Chang. That’s kind of an odd pair of characters to hate, isn’t it? Well, while I LOVE Lea Michele, I’m tired of Rachel’s hyper-competitiveness and wish the writers would find something else for the character to do. As for Mike: I suppose the dude is harmless enough, but I don’t like how full of himself he is for a character that’s about as useful to a singing group as a guy with a great three point shot is to a football team.

Either way, Mike’s story stole and salvaged last night’s episode of “Glee”, which fell back on some bad habits. (Although it did fall back on at least one good habit: the wonderfully random idea that Tina is a vampire who terrorizes Principal Figgins.)

After Mike earned an “Asian F” (an A- to the rest of us), Mike’s stern dad met with Principal Figgins and tried to get Mike drug tested before zeroing in on glee club as the source of his son’s “struggles.” (Mr. Chang will definitely be voting for Sue.) Mike wanted to try out for “West Side Story”, but his dad forbade it, leading to the night’s best non-musical scene as a conflicted Mike danced alone in a studio. Eventually, he decided to follow his heart with support from his sympathetic mom, who showed up so randomly that for a second I thought she was really dead and he was talking to a ghost. (That may still be the case!) Harry Shum Jr. is obviously a great dancer, but for the first time last night he got to show that he can be a pretty effective actor.

In other, less-encouraging news we got the latest iteration of “Mercedes is Jealous That Rachel Gets All the Solos Part 4: On Stranger Tides.” After being spurred on by new boyfriend Shane (aka not-Sam), Mercedes went after the role of Maria in “West Side Story” with a newfound ferociousness. Unfortunately, she also managed to alienate all of her friends, including Rachel, who was obviously bothered by the competition but at least tried to be gracious.

It seems like every Mercedes storyline either has to do with her weight/looks or her jealousy of Rachel. This week, they needed the character to be a bitch, so voila! Amber Riley deserves better. (I guess they had to find SOME way to get people to join Shelby’s glee club.) For a while, it seemed like the show was hinting at Mercedes being pregnant (she’s got a steady boyfriend and was moody, nauseous and constantly holding her stomach, which is what woman on TV do right before it’s revealed they’re pregnant). Oh wait…never mind.

In other news, the race for class president took several turns last night with Brittany becoming the apparent front-runner and Rachel throwing her hat into the ring when it looked like she’d be missing out on the “West Side Story” lead. Even though Kurt was outwardly gracious and supportive to Blaine about Blaine playing Tony in “West Side Story”, he got a little huffy when he found out that Rachel would be opposing him for class president. (Because god forbid someone steps on poor widdle Kurt’s toes.)

Anyway, “Asian F” featured a whopping six musical numbers, so let’s jump in.

“Spotlight”…B: Amber Riley looked phenomenal and sounded good, but this number was a bit of a mixed bag. Earlier in the episode, Shane told Mercedes that when they’re watching “Dreamgirls” together, Mercedes says she’s ‘Beyonce’ but he thinks she really considers herself an “Effie” (played by Jennifer Hudson in the movie). So the way to prove that she’s an empowered “Beyonce” is…to sing a Jennifer Hudson song? Or maybe she was owning the fact that she’s “Effie.” Whatever, I’m confused.

“Run the World”…A: If it’s ok with you, I’m not really going to delve into why I’m giving this ass-shaking extravaganza a straight-A just in case my girlfriend ever reads this column.

“Cool”…A: The shocker of the night! Honestly, I didn’t have high expectations after Mike’s “singing” debut last year, but absolutely loved this. Obviously, this was heavier on dancing than singing, but at least the dancing was a funny reimagining (football players learn fast!) of some of the most iconic dancing ever. Also, Mike’s voice was improved and more than suitable for the role of Riff in “West Side Story.”

“Out Here On My Own”…C: Don’t get me wrong: both Lea Michele and Amber Riley sounded terrific (as usual) on this. The reason I’m giving it a bad grade is because of the annoying and hyperactive editing during the latest diva-off between Rachel and Mercedes. I get what they were going for, but cutting back and forth so often between both singers was incredibly distracting and didn’t do either of them any favors.

Because they blended into each other so much, I didn’t fully believe that Mercedes CLEARLY won this competition. As a result, Mercedes turning down the role just made her look like a bitch.

“It’s All Over”…D+: I was laughing my ass off at how terrible this was. (Hence the D-PLUS!) So far this season, “Glee” has been heavy on Broadway numbers and I get that this “Dreamgirls” number was trying to equate glee club’s frustration with Mercdes to the Dreamgirls’ frustration with Effie.

But not only did this re-inforce the idea that Mercedes is, in fact, “Effie” (not Beyonce), but the stilted way they recreated the scene from the movie was unintentionally hilarious. (As was the fact that everyone referred to Mercedes as “Effie”, while she called everyone else by their actual names…probably because it’s hard to substitute Mercedes into a lyric.) At least the costumes were cool.

“Fix You”…C+: F--- you, “Glee” for giving one of my favorite songs to a character I absolutely loathe, and using it as a soundtrack to his miserable, creepy relationship. Oh well…at least Matthew Morrison sounded good, and it was a solid way to end the episode.

So what’d you think of this episode? What should Shelby’s glee club be called? (“Brown/Sugar”? “Newer Directions”?) Finally, does McKinley High even have a dress code? (Judging from Brittany’s musical number, the answer is, “Thank goodness, no.”)

The Sing-Off: 'Folk Tale

There was a lot to cover in Monday night’s two-hour “Sing-Off” extravaganza.

We had the typically lavish, over-crowded group number (this time it was Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know”) and we had 12(!) competitive performances from six groups, with one unfortunate collection of singers giving us their swan song at the end.

Round 1 featured each group singing a current radio hit, while the second round somewhat randomly turned back the clock to the 1960’s. In the spirit of last night’s jam-packed episode, let’s get on with the recap.

Vocal Point opened the night with a solid performance of Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never.” As Shawn pointed out, watching grown men sing Justin Bieber is just inherently funny. Fortunately, Vocal Point also had a good arrangement, strong vocals and crowd-pleasing moves on their side. Personally, I think they could’ve used the services of Justin Bieber’s suddenly unemployed swagger coach, but it was still a delightful way to start the evening.

Fortunately, they did much better with “The Way You Look Tonight” in the 60’s round. At first, I was a little disappointed that they didn’t keep the cool, lounge-y vibe that kicked off the song, but when I saw that they were intentionally hopping between tempos and genres to cover as much 1960’s music as possible, I was more impressed, even if it was still slightly schizophrenic to my ears (and eyes).

I really liked that Delilah went lower-key (not literally) with their performance of Adam Lambert’s “Whataya Want From Me” after their bombastic “Grenade” last week. Shawn was right about how it was a lesson in how harmonies are built and each singer pretty much held her own. I actually kind of wish they’d kept things minimalist the whole time because by the time everyone joined in to sing the familiar melody, their time was almost up. (We DID have 12 songs to get through.)

Unfortunately, their 60’s round take on “Heat Wave” was a COMPLETE dud. I thought it was a totally predictable choice for an all-girl group, and I wasn’t thrilled by the unimaginative arrangement (then again, what can you really do to this song?) Maybe I’m just sick of hearing people sing this during Motown Week on “American Idol.” The best thing about it was their retro dresses and their period-appropriate moves.

I thoroughly enjoyed Urban Method’s multi-tasking soloist Troy (and the reggae-ish vibe of his voice) as well as the female soloist whose name I didn’t catch, even if their on-stage interactions were a bit awkward. However, rapper Myke was jarringly over-the-top in the second half of the song, making for an unpleasant end to their first performance.

Meanwhile, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the group finally hit their highest note (yikes, I’m turning into Nick Lachey) when they stopped taking themselves so seriously (“We’re edgy!”) and had fun. Their 60’s round performance of “Dance to the Music” was pure joy, funk, guitar solos and my boy Troy. The only problem I see is that the group was at its best when it abandoned its “Rapapella” identity. So what do they do from here on out?

Afro-Blue easily won the first round with their jazzy take on “American Boy” (I mean, I even feel a little silly pointing that out because it’s so obvious). EVERYTHING about it was brilliant…the cool, effortless scatting at the beginning, easy/breezy performance quality, the groovy soloist and the rafter-rattling bass and beat boxing.

After (arguably) giving two of the best five performances of the season, there was bound to be a bit of a letdown. Their take on “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” was a perfectly solid performance that came off a bit disappointing because of Afro-Blue’s previous excellence. I really enjoyed soloist Trent’s voice (basically everyone in this group is amazing, it turns out) though I wish he’d opened his eyes and connected more with the audience. I also liked the “Everybody was talking about you” add on at the tail end of the song because I love a group that looks at an iconic tune like Marvin Gaye’s classic and says, “It’s really good, but what if we added THIS?”

I don’t know if the Yellow Jackets’ main soloist was TRYING to mimic Taio Cruz’s nasally voice or if that’s what he sounds like, but I did NOT enjoy him at all. It’s too bad because their version of “Dynamite” had a promising opening (those opening chords) and a decent finish, even if they’re choreography way heavy on mugging. The middle section was rescued by featured soloist Aaron.

Speaking of Aaron, his voice is so crystal clear and his performance is so earnest that I didn’t even mind the shameless flirting with judge Sara Bareilles during “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.” I also appreciated the horns at the beginning and the faux-conductors off to the side. I thought it was easily the best performance of the 60’s round and probably what kept them in the competition. (Or maybe I’m the only one who thought they were in serious jeopardy after “Dynamite.”)

The pre-performance package showed us an overwhelmed (uh-oh) Kinfolk 9 (pictured, right) obsessing about their blend and talking about how they have to step their game up. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you if their blend was any better this week because I was completely bored by their listless performance of “Price Tag.” Their singing, choreography and arrangement all appeared to be devoid of life. The only thing I remember is featured soloist Mary dropping it as if it were hot for a moment.

That’s probably why their rendition of “Let It Be” turned out to be too little, too late. I’m not as big a fan of soloist Moi as everyone else seems to be, but he absolutely put his heart and soul in this performance. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much all there was to their by-the-numbers performance, which proved to be their last hurrah.

At least Kinfolk 9 proved they had a sense of humor by picking Beck’s “Loser” as their swan song. The choice came down to them and Delilah, who may have had the worst performance of the night with “Heat Wave”, but had a stronger body of work overall.

So what’d you think of this episode? Should Urban Method have been in trouble instead of Delilah? (I was ok with putting them through after their 60’s performance.) Why was Nick’s suit supposed to be retro? (It was a little shiny, I suppose.) Finally, was Moi’s distractingly terrible haircut the REAL reason Kinfolk 9 went home? (To be fair, it was probably the fact that they were the worst group, but still…)

NFL 2011 Week 4 Picks

Remember that completely disgusting and tasteless book O.J. Simpson wrote called “If I Did It”, where he “hypothetically” described the murders of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman?

Well, not to go even a little “O.J.” on you, but since I was out of town and away from the Internet last week and didn’t do my Week 3 NFL picks, allow me to present a brief version of “If I Picked Them.”

Obviously, I could give myself a 16-0 record for week 3 (and you’d have no way to prove me wrong), but the reality is I would’ve gone 10-6. My six losses would’ve come from Bills over Pats, Giants over Eagles, Ravens over Rams (I thought the Rams would wake up at home…still waiting for them to wake up), Raiders over Jets, Seahawks over Cardinals and Browns over Dolphins. (What? I actually thought Miami could win a game once they got out of Miami.)

That brings my season record to (a party hypothetical) 30-18. Let’s jump right into this week’s picks.

DETROIT @ DALLAS

I think Dallas’ offense will be a lot better than they were during the Monday Night football kicking contest against the Redskins, but I still think they’re too banged up to beat the surging Lions. (You’re damn right I just said “surging Lions”!)

CAROLINA @ CHICAGO

Most of the talk around the Bears so far has focused on their inability to defend QB Jay Cutler. It seems like precisely the right time for their defense and special teams to carry them to a win.

BUFFALO @ CINCINNATI

I like the Bills (like everyone else) but his has letdown game written all over it. The Bills are coming off their biggest win in almost a decade and they have to go on the road to face a team that laid an egg last week. No thanks.

TENNESSEE @ CLEVELAND

If Chris Johnson (pictured, left) had been around for preseason, he probably would’ve played three games. Let’s call Weeks 1-3 his preseason…it’s time to start playing for real.

MINNESOTA @ KANSAS CITY

The Chiefs actually showed signs of life last week for the first time all year, while the Vikings keep finding new and not-so-exciting ways to blow huge leads.

WASHINGTON @ ST. LOUIS

I’m riding sad, decrepit Rams bandwagon until the thing tumbles off a cliff.

NEW ORLEANS @ JACKSONVILLE

The Saints tend to struggle a bit against crappy teams on the road, but they should be able to handle the Jags.

PITTSBURGH @ HOUSTON

Ugh…I hate trying to pick this game. Houston lost last week against the first good team they played all year, but they acquitted themselves nicely against the Saints. Or did they? (Blowing a lead several times isn’t really encouraging.) Meanwhile, the Steelers struggled more than they really should have against the Colts. I’m calling that their wake-up call and saying they handle the Texans.

SAN FRANCISCO @ PHILADELPHIA

I’m more sure that the Eagles will win than I am whether or not Michael Vick will actually finish this game. (Philly doesn’t need him to beat the Niners at home.)

N.Y. GIANTS @ ARIZONA

The Giants looked great last week, but Arizona is a sneakily hard place to play. I’m going with New York until the Cards can prove to me that they’re not a complete mess.

ATLANTA @ SEATTLE

Seattle is another tough place to play, but I just can’t pick Tarvaris Jackson to win two games in a row. Sorry.

MIAMI @ SAN DIEGO

If Tony Sparano hasn’t updated his resume, he really should.

NEW ENGLAND @ OAKLAND

I’d be more inclined to pick the Patriots if Oakland hadn’t had that splashy win against the Jets last week (and if the Patriots weren’t coming in pissed from having lost to the Bills). The Pats will bounce back and win.

DENVER @ GREEN BAY

This feels like the week that Green Bay just completely kicks someone’s ass. (Finally.)

N.Y. JETS @ BALTIMORE

Each team has had its ups and downs, and we’re only in week 4! I’m taking the Ravens because I’m not encouraged by the Jets’ ability to stop the run after Darren McFadden ran wild all over them.

INDIANAPOLIS @ TAMPA BAY

Are you ready for some garbage?! (On the plus side, I finally get to watch a Bucs home game on TV.)

Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review (Sort of)

To coincide with today’s Blu-ray/DVD release of “Transformers: Dark of Moon” I’m making a dramatic comeback from my amateur movie critic retirement to review the alien robot blockbuster!

Well, not exactly.

I mean, this isn’t even a review of the Blu-ray (which I’m picking up after work today). I saw the movie in theatres way back in July a few weeks after its release. My plan was NOT to put off writing a review long enough for the damn thing to come out on DVD! Alas, life interfered and here we are. (With unwritten reviews of “Harry Potter 7.2”, “Crazy, Stupid Love.” “Cowboys and Aliens”, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” and “Captain America” mocking me.)

Obviously, it would be silly to critically analyze a movie I saw nearly three months ago. Of course, it would be even sillier for me to critically analyze a movie called “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.”

As a result, I’m doing things a bit differently: I’m going to the notes.

You see, every time I see a movie in theatres or watch a TV episode I’m going to review, I open a Word document and jot down random sentences and observations that mostly only make sense to me.

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” was no exception. So instead of trying to break the movie down by memory, I’m going to share my notes from July followed by a (hopefully) brief explanation of what each statement means.

Just two quick thoughts: 1.) This “review” will feature a few more mild spoilers than I would normally include in a review. (The movie’s been out for months and it made over $1 billion worldwide…so I’m guessing plenty of people have seen it.) 2.) Please don’t judge me after this horrifying look at my creative process.

Let’s get it on!

“Too much plot. (Lead.)”
Ok, so the “(Lead)” part means that I was planning on opening my review by saying something like, “Is it possible that the new ‘Transformers’ movie actually has TOO MUCH plot?”

Just like the other two movies in the “Transformer” trilogy, “Dark of the Moon” opens with Autobot hero “Optimus Prime” (the great, booming voice of Peter Cullen) giving us some back story on his race of alien robots. Except that with each subsequent movie, the back story has become increasingly (and unnecessarily) involved.

In “Dark of the Moon”, we learned Sentinel Prime (Optimus Prime’s mentor, voiced by Leonard Nemoy) barely escaped a war with the evil Decepticons on the planet Cybertron and crash landed on Earth’s moon. The wreckage was discovered (and covered up) by humans during the Apollo 11 mission and, oh whatever…let’s just get the robots turning into cool cars and destroying each other. I will admit that I chuckled when the movie somehow dragged Buzz Aldrin into all this.

“I enjoy Shia LaBeouf’s performance. (And Julie White and Kevin Dunn.)”
I’m probably in the minority on this (especially since he kind of turned into a turbo-douche while promoting “Dark of the Moon”), but I really enjoy La Beouf’s work in these movies. (For some reason I also enjoy the fact that solid actors like Julie White and Kevin Dunn seemingly drop in from a different, more neurotic movie to play Sam Witwicky’s parents.)

I still think LaBeouf should be making more movies like “The Greatest Game Every Played” or “Wall Street 2” (even though that was a sort of gutless movie, I think LaBeouf fit nicely into it) and less movies where he’s required to be an action hero. His urgent, motor-mouth performance propels the narrative whenever the Autobots and Decepticons aren’t on screen, and he somehow developed more believable chemistry with a bright yellow Chevy Camaro than he did with any of his love interests. Which brings me to…

“The first time we see Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, it’s a low-angle shot of her ass in underwear. That’s why she’s here.”
Pretty self-explanatory. When you hire a Victoria’s Secret model as your female lead, what do you expect?

That reminds me, I think the movie’s most shocking development is the fact that the loss of Megan Fox left a significant (overly-tanned) hole in the movie. Say what you will about her acting skills, but Fox has a definite presence that the vacant Huntington-Whiteley just couldn’t recreate. (No matter how many eye-catching white outfits she wore.)

“The reason Michael Bay can get actors like John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, John Turturro, etc. in his movies is because he basically lets them do whatever the hell they want. SO over the top, along with Ken Jeong.”
And apparently what Oscar-nominated actors like Malkovich and McDormand to do is act like lunatics. How else to explain Malkovich’s hideous wig and even more hideous, inexplicable accent? How else to explain wildly overqualified, two-time Oscar nominee McDormand playing the nothing role of Government Bitch. (On the other hand, I don’t think Ken Jeong can’t not be wildly over-the-top. Triple negative!)

Oh wait…they also probably got paid buckets of money too. Let’s move on.

“Some of the lighthearted moments DID work.”
This was mostly in response to the second “Transformers” movie’s disastrous attempt at humor by introducing two jive-talking, racist robots named Skids and Mudflap.

Because Malkovich’s performance is truly an atrocity, it allowed me to enjoy Turturro’s typically bananas work as Simmons, one of Sam’s frenemies. I also enjoyed Sam’s parents (as I mentioned) and the ooze that was practically seeping out of all of Patrick Dempsey’s pores as a the rich bad guy. (On IMDB, he’s credited as “Dylan.” Is that a first name or a last name? Does it matter?!)

“The transforming with Sam scene was AWESOME!”
I believed this at the time I saw the movie, and I still stand by it: the car chase scene on the highway where Sam is inside of Bumblebee — who is forced to transform into a robot as Sam flies through the air, and then transforms back into a car just in time to save Sam — is the single coolest special effects shot I’ve seen all year. Made me feel like a kid!

“Humans were actually useful this time…the battle in Chicago was very entertaining.”
I always felt the non-Shia LaBeouf humans in these movies (particularly the military forces led by Josh Duhammel’s Lennox and Tyrese’s Epps) were pretty much afterthoughts in the plot and mostly there because director Michael Bay truly has a fetish for everything having to do with the military.

However, in “Dark of the Moon” they actually contributed a fair amount, particularly in a truly spectacular skydiving sequence during the film’s climax. High five, humanity!

“Autobots are kind of dicks.”
This is in reference to the notion that Optimus Prime and Co. basically allowed Chicago to be destroyed just so that the humans — who had just banished them from Earth — could see that the Decepticons were evil and that humanity needs the Autobots. Thanks, asshole…now where am I supposed to get my deep dish pizza?

"Still can’t always tell who is fighting who. (Besides Optimus Prime and Bumblebee.) But FANTASTIC effects."
My biggest gripe with the “Transformers” movies. Other than Optimus Prime and Bumblebee (and maybe Megatron), it’s pretty difficult to tell the rest of the Transformers apart. Michael Bay tries to compensate for this mostly by giving the robots outsize (and usually offensive) character traits, but once they start fighting each other, it’s basically just a bunch of twisted metal.

(During the climactic battle, my buddy asked me “Was that Starscream?” and I said “Yes”, even though I was only 80 percent sure.)

Despite my smart-ass tendencies, I rather enjoyed the movie and thought it was an upgrade over the deeply-flawed “Revenge of the Fallen”, while never achieving the charm (if that’s the right word) of the relatively quaint original.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon…B-

The Sing-Off: Shore Thing

Sorry about the late recap.

I went to see “Drive” on Monday morning, so I’m just now catching on the programming I missed. (Also, I’m still a bit traumatized by all the brutal murders in that movie.)

Anyway, the eight groups in the second bracket of “The Sing-Off” made their debuts on Monday. They kicked off the evening with a solid rendition of My Chemical Romance’s “Sing.” Personally, I liked being able to tell that the dozens of voices on stage weren’t always blending quite perfectly, but it was still a very good way to kick off the night.

Two more groups went home by the end of the two-hour extravaganza. Let’s break them down, in order of appearance.

Darthmouth Aires: Their performance of Stevie Wonder’s “Higher Ground” was a really great, energetic way to start the night. Then again, the song started off with a bang and pretty much stayed there, making for an upbeat but slightly stagnant performance. Lead singer Michael had plenty of charisma, but I was just as drawn in by what the entire group was singing. In fact, (as Ben Folds pointed out) there were a few instances where they kind of drowned him out a bit.

Pentatonix: On the other hand, I LOVED Pentatonix’s electro pop arrangement of Katy Perry’s “E.T.”, even if it did sort of collapse a bit toward the end. The three lead singers are solid (especially soulful white boy/head honcho Scott), but I was really blown away by their bassist and their beat boxer, the best damn vocal percussionist/cello player on the Internet. Definitely looking forward to hearing what else this group has up its sleeve.

Messiah’s Men: The fact that Messiah Men’s story — a group of refugees from Nigeria who bonded together through music — is the most interesting thing about them is both the best and worst thing I can say about their time on the show. On the one hand, they’re a living, breathing testament to the power of music. On the other hand, their performance was completely boring. The lead singer had a good voice, and the background singers created an impressive sound together (much smarter, more qualified people can break down their vocal prowess), but there just wasn’t much else going on performance-wise to compete with the other group’s on this show.

Sonos: Plenty of acapella groups SAY they like to take popular songs and turn them on their heads, but Sonos actually did it. Their take on “Wicked Game” was certainly the most polarizing performance of the night, but I was fascinated by it and I particularly enjoyed their lightning fast vocal percussionist. In fact, I actually tuned out when they slowed things down to match Chris Isaak’s original…and revealed the flaws in their sparse sound. (Special Acapella Correspondent Erica says they need to add a baritone.) Also, even if they fall short of “The Sing-Off” crown, I hope we get to see what they can do with their pedals in the finale. Still, given that the most interesting thing about them was their arrangement, they need to prove that they can deliver awe-inspiring vocals.

The Dartmouth Aires and Pentatonix cruised to the next round leaving Sonos to edge out Messiah’s Men and deliver a swan song that was better than their actual performance. (Hate when that happens!) Anyway, on to the next foursome.

The Collective: The group of Nashville solo artists was put together by Streetcorner Symphony’s Jeremy Lister, so expectations were somewhat high. I thought the opening verse was very strong and highlighted lead singer Ruby’s fantastically husky tone. Unfortunately, things quickly fell apart during the messy, underwhelming chorus. (If you can’t blow it out like Adele — and most people can’t — you shouldn’t even try.) They never recovered afterwards and had the predictable blending issues from a group of soloists thrown together. Oh yeah…there’s also the fact that we’re all pretty much done with “Rolling in the Deep.”

Soul’d Out: Sorry, but these preppy high school kids looked downright silly and while they were misguidedly singing the hippy-dippy, “Aquarius” portion of the song. At least they sounded good because the performance didn’t get much better when it jumped to “Let the Sunshine In.” I just remember a mish-mash of sound and color punctuated by the lead singer’s spazztastic facial expressions. Other than that, I really liked it.

North Shore (pictured, left): Full disclosure: I was expecting to roll my eyes at these guys the same way I did when Jerry Lawson and Talk of the Town lasted WAY longer on this show than I thought they should have. (What can I say? I hate old people, apparently.) Anyway, I’m delighted to say North Shore gave my absolute favorite performance of the night with their fun take on “Runaround Sue.” I loved their lead singer, who gave us just the right amount of charisma without veering into cheese, and I love their bass guy, who really looks like a retired cop to me for some reason. Note to Messiah’s Men: North Shore managed to completely charm and entertain a live and TV audience with a no-frills, low-choreography performance.

The Deltones: To be perfectly honest, I don’t remember too much about this performance. I remember that Randy Newman’s “Feels Like Home” was an oddly somber way to finish the evening, and an even odder choice for a group looking to make a splashy debut. Lead singer Jessica was very impressive early on, and once the rest of the group kicked in they helped carry her to a good performance. The problem is (as you can tell) they didn’t leave much of a mark.

This elimination was a little tougher, but the high school kids of Soul’d Out were sent home in favor of the more experienced (but more train wreck-y Collective). The kids were cute, but I didn’t really see them evolving into anything great. Meanwhile, Jeremy’s group needs to get its Collective ass in gear.

So what’d you think of this episode? Am I imagining things or is Shawn Stockman doing a significantly better job this year as a judge? Anyone else weirded out by the oddly quick cameo from Committed, last year’s winner? (Can they at least get on stage?) Finally, were you surprised that Messiah’s Men were eliminated? (I feel that if we’d been sending them back to Nigeria instead of Minneapolis they might still be around.)

Glee: Baby Blues

Kurt is really f---ing stupid sometimes.

You can’t use a Streisand song to audition for the male lead in a musical and then complain about the fact that the people putting on the show don’t think you’re masculine enough for the part.

“Too gay” was a recurring for Kurt last night.

First, the pink, unicorn-centric campaign for class president conceived by Brittany was “too homo”, according to Kurt. Then, he was deemed to gay for the role of Tony in “West Side Story” by co-directors Artie, Coach Beiste and freakishbonyginger@gmail.com...I mean, Emma. (Is it just me or did it kinda seem like the writers picked three names out of a hat when they were putting together this trio? Oh well…at least Artie is getting something to do.) Coach Beiste, in particular, proved to be a surprisingly adept theatre director (I liked how she debated whether Rachel’s Jew thing or Mercedes’ black thing would work better for “West Side Story), so I’ll give the writers a pass for shoehorning the school’s football coach (and the impressive Dot-Marie Jones) into storylines.

It may not sound like it from the first couple of paragraphs in this review, but I actually enjoyed this episode quite a bit more than last week’s season premiere.

Fortunately for all of us, (as usual) Burt was there to set Kurt straight (so to speak). It’s perfectly ok to be the kind of gay where you sing Diana Ross songs and dress like you own a magic chocolate factory (as opposed to “Rock Hudson-gay”). The takeaway was that if Kurt wants to land leading man roles, maybe he’s going to have to create them himself. (Which is pretty much exactly what Chris Colfer did in real life. Pretty cool.)

Also, if it’s any consolation, Kurt has pretty much been the lead male character on this show since the start of last season.

Even though “I Am Unicorn” was light on musical performances, it was high on storyline advancement. I really enjoyed some of the unexpected groupings in the episode, including Kurt and Brittany, the aforementioned three-headed directing monster, and Sue mostly bothering Quinn instead of only terrorizing Will. (The short film Sue made was pretty genius…I particularly enjoyed the “I Hate Everything” sticker in her locker.)

Hell, even Willliam F. Schuester grew a pair and stood up for himself when Quinn tried to blame all her problems on the glee club! Becky was right…that was kind of sexy. (And much more effective than the stupid glitter bombing incident from last week.)

Speaking of Quinn, she was front and center this week with the return of Shelby Corcoran (Idina Menzel). The reason for Shelby coming back was completely ridiculous (Sugar Motta’s dad hired her to run a rival glee club at McKinley), but I’ll take my Idina Menzel where I can get it.

Shelby wants Puck and Quinn to have a relationship with the baby they gave up for adoption…but not as long as Quinn is part of the Skanks. Puck was the first to step up to the plate, and after a heart-to-heart with Quinn in the Ladies Room (they DO have cleaner stalls) she — and her thin, forgettable alto — finally came around and returned to glee club. Except that in a mini-twist I thoroughly enjoyed, Quinn hasn’t really seen the light and cleaned up her act. Instead, she intends to get full custody of Beth.

I hope you don’t mind if I just bypass all the Booty Camp nonsense — those slo-mo shots of Mike Chang and Mr. Schue dancing were unintentionally hilarious and were a solid reminder of what a couple of tools those guys are — because, honestly…who the hell cares whether a glee club can dance or not. And the big payoff was supposed to be that Finn got through the little mini-routine without messing up? Congratulations, Finn! You can do a passable job in rehearsal, but you still pretty much look like a Frankenstein when you dance.

(And, yes...that chunky paragraph just now was me bypassing the Booty Camp stuff. I can't help but rant. Sorry.)

On the other hand, I DO like how shockingly functional his relationship with Rachel is so far…although some trouble is sure to be ahead as the seniors try to figure out their futures.

Anyway, let’s grade the (relatively meager) musical performances. I hope you like “West Side Story.” (I love “West Side Story”, but I even I think they went overboard.)

“Somewhere There’s a Place for Us”…A: For me, it had everything a great musical performance should have: chill-inducing vocals and a song that actually makes sense within the context of the episode and informs the storyline. So the exact opposite of this pair’s infamous, dreadful “Poker Face” duet. It’s still freaky as hell in the best possible way for me to see Lea Michele and Idina Menzel on screen together (it’s like seeing a person, and then a version of that same person from about 15 years before). Still a little too studio-y sounding considering they were singing on a stage, but great stuff.

“I’m the Greatest Star”…C+: I’ve already covered about what an intentionally terrible song choice this was for Kurt. So the low grade isn’t because it was misguided…it’s because the scaffolding heavy choreography was more impressive than the singing. (You may now refer to my paragraph about Booty Camp if you need a reminder about how much I don’t care whether these kids can dance or not.)

“Something’s Coming”…A-: Blaine’s audition for Tony hit all the sweet spots (great vocal, strong charisma) and he’s clearly a better choice for Tony than Kurt is. (I actually think Finn is the perfect Tony…but I also think Tony is kind of lame.) The only slight criticism I have is that this performance didn’t really bring anything new to the table either in the way it was performed by Darren Criss or the way it was used on the show. (It was just a straight-up audition piece.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Blaine actually accept the lead role? Does it REALLY matter if most people in the glee club can’t dance that well? Finally, smoking may kill you, but it really does make you look cool, doesn’t it?

Dancing with the Stars: Booby Prize

Sometimes, having a DVR can be a real drag. Wait, that’s not true…I love my DVR!

Except I didn’t love it so much last night after Nancy Grace’s revealing quickstep. I wondered why the show cut to a shot of a stoic, silent audience while we could all HEAR the crowd applauding following her performance. We saw a quick shot of Nancy Grace before a quick cut back to the zombie crowd.

As a journalist, I HAD to rewind to see what was going on. Thankfully/unfortunately, my DVR was able to confirm. It wasn’t so much a nipple slip as much as it was an areola-slip. (Although I think I did detect a hint of nipple.)

Anyway, I’ve spent way too much time on this topic. Let’s break down last night’s jives and quicksteps, in order of appearance.

Hope Solo and Maksim: The big issue this week was how Hope didn’t have enough time to rehearse because of her busy soccer schedule. (Although I did like the shot of Maks at the soccer match looking impatient.) Hope’s performance quality (usually an issue for non-entertainers) was much better, she was still way to stiff and doing the professional athlete thing where the body is too tightly coiled, especially around the shoulders. At least now we know that she can shake her ass really well.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark: Kristin DID look great as Marilyn Monroe during her quickstep, but I think she actually danced a little better than Len gave her credit for. I hate to keep beating the guy up, but is anyone out there surprised that Mark broke hold during the quickstep…and basically admitted that he didn’t give a damn? Sorry, but I honestly thought this would be the week that I didn’t have to talk about how much of a tool that guy is.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson: I didn’t really think David’s waltz he was subdued last week during his waltz, so I didn’t get the contrast the judges were talking about after his wild jive last night. Even though Kym uncharacteristically kicked his butt during rehearsal, David continues to be a compete charmer about wanting to “blow people’s minds” with his dancing. It remains unclear whether our minds will be blown in a good or bad way. David and J.R. remain neck-and-neck for the title of Mr. Congeniality.

Elisabetta Canalis and Val: I thought Elisabetta and Val started their quickstep on incredibly shaky ground, but ended pretty solidly. Unfortunately, she and Val clearly can’t stand each other. So far, Val appears to be just as abrasive as his brother Maksim only with none of the charm that we eventually discovered Maksim has after a few seasons.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: Can it be? Do I actually find a member of the Kardashian crew kinda/sorta likable? (Oh wait, I forgot that I already kinda/sorta like Khloe.) This week, Rob revealed that he’s reserved and self-conscious about his man-boobs. (Kudos to the costume person who forced him to wear a wife beater underneath his Hawaiian shirt to help him get over it.) More importantly, his dancing was more fluid and much improved during his jive, though he still has a lot of work to do. Finally, I think axing the move that apparently required Rob to run up a wall (and break through the drywall during rehearsal) turned out to be a good idea.

Carson Kressley and Anna: (Sigh) At least Carson honestly tried to dance well this week, unlike last week when he was just clowning around. The biggest problem is that he’s completely terrible. (Sadly, his phys ed. teacher was right…this child lacks coordination.) Still, it was an improvement and, unlike Hope Solo, he’s going plenty of time to rehearse and get better. (Meaning he’s got nothing else going on.) Still, the judges were right: when he’s dancing, I’m always afraid that he’s either going to fall or drop Anna.

Ricki Lake and Derek: Best pure jive of the night. (And kind of a hot jive, which you don’t usually see.) The Polaroid pics on the big screen (the song was “Hey Ya”) were cute. My only complaint is that I’m already completely over Ricki invoking the name of Kirstie Alley ever week using this show as her own personal weight-loss commercial. It’s great that you’re losing weight, but just let us naturally marvel at how much better you look by the end of this thing instead of constantly bringing it up.

Chaz Bono and Lacey: Poor Chaz. Last week, he talked about how out of shape he is and how bad his knees are. This week, he talked about how much he was dreading the quickstep, which is a perfect storm of awfulness for what ails Chad. Chaz is doing his best (and Lacey took out some of the flashier moves) but it was painful to watch him dance. (Almost as painful as it must’ve been for Chaz’s knees to do the quickstep.)

Chynna Phillips and Tony: After an impressive debut last week, it seemed to me like Tony inexplicably scaled things down for his jive with Chynna. That boring, tentative routine seemed more appropriate for Susan Lucci than for someone who can actually dance. Hopefully, they’ll set things right again this week because I really enjoy this couple, particularly Chynna’s willingness to curse during rehearsal. (How long until Cee-Lo Green records “Fudge You”?)

Nancy Grace and Tristan (pictured, left): I mean, honestly…out of all the female celebrities and Pros on this show, I had to rewind to catch Nancy Grace’s nipple?! Ok, I’m done, I promise. Nancy and Tristan had a tough time during rehearsal with Nancy shutting down after some seemingly not-that-tough love from Tristan. Watching this duo pick itself up was actually pretty charming. That, combined with the buzz from Nancy’s wardrobe malfunction will probably be enough to keep her around another week. There’s also the matter of her surprisingly solid score of 21 for a quickstep that I thought was still too slow and basic for my taste, but a definite upgrade from last time.

J.R. Martinez and Karina: For the second week in a row J.R. and Karina delivered the best performance of the night…unfortunately, their jive really WAS a Lindy hop. (Then again, I love the Lindy hop.) Oh well. Come on, Pros! After a dozen seasons, you’re not going to slip something like this past the judges. On the other hand, I don’t really care that they did a side-flip at the start of the routine (much to the chagrin of Lift Police Officer Carrie Ann) so I’m not a complete stickler.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Len seem (even) crankier than usual this season? Is it a bad sign that I agree with some of his gripes? Does anyone besides Carrie Ann really care when there are lifts? Who do you think is going home? (I think Chaz’s supporters carry him another week, so I’m just going to keep picking Elisabetta until it happens. Should be sooner rather than later, right?)

Glee: The Beat Goes On

I swear I was going to stop watching “Glee.” (Apparently, plenty of other people did.)

After a frequently terrible second season and a summer full of turmoil (main members are leaving…no, they’re staying…but Chord Overstreet’s Sam is leaving…we’re developing a Rachel/Kurt spin-off…no we’re not…we’re inflicting a 3D movie on you…that bombed!) I seriously considered just giving up on the show.

As you can tell by the fact that you’re about to read my recap of last night’s season premiere, I caved because I HATE giving up on shows. (Plus, I was home by myself at 8 p.m. and there was nothing else to do.)

So what’s the verdict? The show is pretty much unwatchable if you’re a stickler for continuity and common sense…and yet it did just enough to have me tune in next week. (And not just for the promise of some Idina Menzel.)

The third season picked up at the start of a new school year with the “Glee” club having lost three members following their 12th place finish at Nationals. We’re supposed to buy that students at McKinley High (who we’ve been led to believe barely acknowledge that glee club exists) care enough to be humiliated that they finished outside the top 10 at Nationals. (Make up your mind, Glee!)

Lauren quit the club over the embarrassment at Nationals, Quinn is gone because she’s in the middle of a rebellious phase following her breakup with Finn (and because the writers had to do SOMETHING with her after failing to follow through on the major threats she made in the previous season finale). Meanwhile, Chord Overstreet is gone (and his budding romance with Mercedes squashed) because of the schizophrenic impulses of the people who run “Glee.” Mercedes now has a new boyfriend named Marcus, who is the exact physical opposite of Chord Overstreet.

As a result, Mr. Schuester introduced the Purple Piano Project. To recruit new singers, Will randomly placed pianos across campus (a lot easier than it sounds, apparently) and glee club members were supposed to burst into song whenever they saw one.

One of the few people who responded was Sugar Motta, whose father donated the pianos. Yes, her terrible audition was funny, but I was more intrigued by the idea that goody-goody Will may have to make some cruel cuts if he wants to win Nationals. (And with Rachel, Kurt and Finn moving on after this year, if there any way they don’t win Nationals?) By the way, is Sugar really that much of a worse singer than Lauren or dancing machine Mike Chang?

I was also intrigued by the idea of Sugar (Vanessa Lengies) as a potential antagonist for the glee club since, as I’ve mentioned many times before, I’m completely over the character of Sue Sylvester.

Even lines and bits that are objectively funny (like her tearing up a piano and claiming that “Chopsticks” was Tina and Mike’s national anthem) barely register anymore because we’ve seen her be so redundantly cruel to the glee club for so long.

I’m also sick of seeing her go head-to-head with Will. I mean, do we really need another scene with Will bursting into Principal Figgins’ office and bitching about something Sue just did? I also thought Will’s glitter bombing of Sue was just weird and pointless.

The only thing I like less than seeing Will and Sue go head to head is delving into Mr. Schue’s sex life. Apparently, Will and Emma are having the same issues she had with Dr. Carl. All I know is that I’ll hear Mr. Schue asking Emma “Guess who woke up just before I did?” in my nightmares.

But enough about the horrible adults. I like the show established that it’s the final year in high school for Rachel, Finn, Kurt and Mike (but who cares about Mike), and I particularly liked the notion that Rachel and Kurt got knocked down a peg or two. (They were already planning their Tony acceptance speeches.)

Meanwhile, it seems like Quinn’s phase will be more of a short-term issue (Shelby comes back with the baby Quinn gave up for adoption) while I’m not quite sure what to make of what’s happening with Santana yet. Last night she got booted out of the glee club for destroying one of the purple pianos, but I was pretty sure that Quinn’s cigarette actually ignited the fire. Then again, Sanatana didn’t deny it. Anyway, we can all pretty much guess she’s going to be back in the club eventually, so I guess it just depends on how long the show wants to drag this out. (Hopefully, very soon since Naya Rivera was one of the show’s few bright spots last year.)

Meanwhile, Artie and Puck didn’t get a damn thing to do and Britney is working on a time machine. Seems as good a time as any to get to the musical performances.

“We Got the Beat”…B+: Like one of Quinn’s fellow Skanks, I prefer “The Bangles.” The musical number itself was fine, with the ambitious choreography outshining the music. The contrast from the rest of the student’s indifference bumped it up half a letter grade for me.

“Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead”…C: Maybe it was SUPPOSED to be totally underwhelming given what was about to happen to Rachel and Kurt later on in the episode.

“It’s Not Unusual”…A-: Blaine’s arrival at McKinley (it’s easier than I thought to switch schools once class has started) was pure unadulterated, well, glee. (Even if the song choice was a little out of left field.) Double word score for throwing in the Carlton dance.

“Anything Goes”…A: Lindsay Pearce of “The Glee Project” headed and absolutely killed this number, which was so good Erica and I wondered if these people were part of a real Broadway cast. On top of the great musical performance, the frozen/polite smiles on Rachel and Kurt’s faces (followed immediately by the cut to them crying in their car while it rained) were fantastic.

“You Can’t Stop the Beat”…B: Bookended the episode’s first performance nicely, but other than that a pretty standard end-of-the-episode performance. Mostly noteworthy for the longing look on Quinn’s face as she watched her former club-mates.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are Emma’s brochures the funniest ongoing sneaky gag on this show? (The proposed Rachel/Kurt spinoff should be called “Me and My Hag.”) Will Sue be able to stay ahead of “Anyone White” in the Congressional race? Is toast as redundant as Becky suggested? Finally, Sugar Motta…Sunshine Corazon…Coach Beiste? We need to have an intervention for whoever is in charge of naming new characters because they’re clearly addicted to crack.

The Sing-Off: It's Delightful, It's Delicious, It's Delilah

What am I doing recapping “The Sing-Off”?!

I have someone in my own household who is incredibly knowledgeable when it comes to music, has a great ear (two, actually) and was in a collegiate acapella group for FOUR YEARS.

So consider this both my first recap for the third season of “The Sing-Off” AND the start of my campaign to shame my girlfriend Erica into breaking this show down.

Before we get to the musical performances, I want to welcome new judge Sara Bareilles into the fold. Even though female judges on reality shows apparently have a chip installed into their brains that forces them to do stuff like blather on about contestant’s “journeys” or comment on their looks, I found Bareilles to be a major upgrade from Nicole Scherzinger, who mostly found new and unexciting ways to say nothing. (At least she looked fantastic in HD.)

Bareilles, on the other hand, managed to slip in specific and helpful criticism despite the fact that she was visibly and endearing nervous during her first night on the job. (What was that about Cat’s Pajamas’ “huge package”?)

Last night, eight of this season’s 16 groups performed, with two sorry sacks being sent home by the end of the two-hour premiere.

If Erica were here, she’d tell you all about how much she HATED the fact that two of these poor groups barely had the chance to unpack their bags before being unceremoniously dumped. I, on the other hand, am perfectly ok never seeing the Fannin Family again. (Sorry…but it’s true.)

Let’s get to the evening’s first batch of performances, featuring (in order of appearance) The Yellow Jackets, Fanning Family, Afro-Blue and Delilah.

The Yellow Jackets: The group (which is not from Georgia Tech, as I assumed, but from the University of Rochester in New York) performed “Wavin’ Flag”, more commonly known as the most recent “World Cup song.” (At least if you live outside the U.S. and care about soccer.)

With their bright yellow blazers and flag-assisted choreography, the Yellow Jackets were certainly near the top of the leader board last night when it came to flair and style. Their soloists were strong (especially that particularly angelic tenor), but I think they can make some improvements as a group. As Ben Folds pointed out, their tempo fluctuated a few times. I don’t think they were at their best last night, but I look forward to watching them try to get there.

Fannin Family: To be honest, I was a little creeped out by them during their brief bit in the opening group performance of Pink’s “Perfect.” Got a bit of a “Children of the Corn” vibe. That’s why I wasn’t surprised to learn that this group is comprised of siblings. It was equally unsurprising to learn that these siblings’ voices blend excellently together. Despite being led by a strong performance from their 14-year-old soloist, I found their arrangement of Selena Gomez’s “Who Says” to be too sleepy and everything about their performance was the opposite of dynamic.

Afro-Blue: This group (who performed Corrine Bailey Rae’s “Put Your Records On”) is just cool. Their soloist set a relaxed, self-assured tone and their bassist was insane. This group from traditionally black Howard University was my favorite group from the first batch. I mean, they’ve even got a token white girl! I know Afro-Blue is proud of their jazzy vibe, but I look forward to seeing how they interpret something a little more upbeat.

Delilah: All-female acapella groups have it tough. The fact of the matter is their basses (and other singers who comprise the bottom end) can’t go as low as guys, so their sound often winds up being tinny and a little irritating. (Do you think it's an accident that all-male groups have won the first two years?)

I don’t know if that’ll be Delilah’s downfall down the line, but last night the group dealt with that problem by featuring an astonishing solo from singer Amy and an interesting re-working of a super-popular (overplayed) song, Bruno Mars’ “Grenade.” This super group — comprised of former Sing-Off castoffs — is definitely a cut above the other all-girl groups we’ve seen on this show. (If Erica were here, she’d tell you how annoyed she is that people who’ve already been on this show got another chance to resurface and possibly robbed a new, deserving group of a spot.)

Afro-Blue and Delilah easily advanced and the Yellow Jackets edged past the Fannin Family, who clearly were not ready for prime time. (As evidenced by their messy swan song performance of “Tomorrow.”)

The next four contenders, in order of appearance were Urban Method, Cat’s Pajamas, Kinfolk 9 and Vocal Point.

Urban Method: I don’t think I’m breaking news here by saying that acapella is inherently dorky and cheesy, so I can appreciate the fact that this Denver group is trying to set itself apart with an “edgier” style. However, I think Urban Method takes itself WAY too seriously. They got off to a strong, dramatic start, and their lead singer/rapper Mykal DOES have some star quality, but I don’t think their arrangement really had anything special. The background singing wasn’t strong enough to support this performance when the singing and rapping parts came together in the end, which made things sound like a bit of a jumbled mess. Luckily, their vocal percussionist and bass helped pick up the pieces.

Cat’s Pajamas: This all-male group is pretty much exactly what most people would imagine of if you mentioned acapella music to them. Unfortunately, I don’t mean that as a compliment.

Their professionalism and polish on “Some Kind of Wonderful” is admirable, but they came off WAY too cheesy and I just didn’t see enough evidence to suggest they’d be able to do something vastly different or interesting. Oh well, at least they have those 200 shows per night (Ben!), I mean per year in Branson, Missouri. Also, why was their swan song (“Bye Bye Love”) better than their actual performance? (And somebody get their poor, overworked VP/bassist a glass of water.)

Kinfolk 9: Once I got over how terrible lead singer Moi Navarra’s hair is, I was mostly able to enjoy this group’s musical stylings on OneRepublic’s “Secrets.” Kinfolk 9 appear to be a collection of struggling musicians who assembled as a group to win this show. There was also a strong emphasis on artistry in their pre-performance package. Maybe I was influenced by their slightly pretentious pre-performance package, but I detected more than a hint of unease and desperation in Moi’s performance when I watched him, despite the fact that he actually sounded really good. (Or maybe I was just predisposed to disliking him because of his stupid hair and his stupid clothes…you’re a dad, Moi…dress like a grown up!) Maybe next time they perform, I’ll close my eyes and just listen. (Which reminds me…open your eyes when you sing, Moi!)

(If Erica were here, she’d point out that the reason the background singers didn’t gel very well is probably because they have a bunch of soloists trying to blend.)

Vocal Point: The final group of the evening (from BYU) delivered what was probably the most entertaining performance from both a visual AND musical standpoint. Like the Yellow Jackets before them, Vocal Point brought the bright blazers (and the punny!), but also brought a sense of joy to the stage without sacrificing any of their musical chops. That first modulation was sickly smooth. (The judge say “modulation”…I yell out, “key change!”)

So what’d you think of this episode? Is Ben Folds the best reality competition show judge? (Honestly…who’s better?) Will I ever NOT think of soft rock radio station mainstay Delilah (“De-lye-laaahhh”) when I see this group of girls perform? Is Nick Lacey human or an animatronic puppet programmed to robotically deliver terrible puns? (For the record, I think there’s a decent host buried in there somewhere…Lachey shows potential when he goes off script like he did when he accidentally interrupted Ben for a bit.)

Finally, do you think either Fannin Family or Cat’s Pajamas got a raw deal? (I’m ok with both eliminations.)