Dancing with the Stars: "Maybe It's Time To Get Out"

And all this time I thought I was watching “Dancing with the Stars” because I enjoy ballroom dancing, orchestral butchering of popular songs, the insanely hot female Pros, the bonkers yet sneakily-insightful judges panel and Tom Bergeron’s awareness of just how ridiculous this show is.

Nope. I was wrong.

Turns out Maksim Chmerkovskiy “made” this show the juggernaut it has become. Before I break down Monday night’s Broadway Week, I have to talk about Maks’ mini-meltdown. (I’m purposefully skipping all the backpedaling I’m sure he’s been doing for most of Tuesday.)

First of all, I’m neither shocked nor deeply offended by what Maks said. Why should I? The self-proclaimed “Bad Boy of the Ballroom” often comes off as an abrasive jerk to his partners in what we see of rehearsals. We also know the self-proclaimed “Sex on a Stick” has a pretty high opinion of himself.

So while I’m not at all surprised that Maks BELIEVES what he said, I am a bit surprised he actually said what he said. From watching this couple the last few weeks, I would’ve guessed that Hope was the one that wanted to go home, but instead it seems like Maks —who has never won the not-that-coveted Mirrorball Tropy — is the one who’s ready to be done with the show.

I’m actually a fan of Maks (my favorite DWTS couple is probably still Mel B and Maks), but the bottom line is that he looked like an immature fool last night. The worst part was when he chastised the judges for being too judgmental. (Actually, the worst part was how mortified Hope looked.) The crack to Len about maybe it being time to get out of the ballroom business was a low-blow too, but Len strikes me as a guy who can take as well as dish it, so that didn’t bother me as much.

While you take the appropriate time to fully appreciate the ridiculousness of that previous statement, let’s talk about last night’s couples, in order of appearance.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: Last week, I declared that Rob was the third best dancer on the show. I’m not ready to back off that statement yet, but I think he took a slight cha cha cha step backward with his performance of “Walk Like a Man.” The technique was still there, but he looked more like the tentative kid from earlier this season and less like the dancer who was almost Cheryl’s equal during their rumba last week. (Cheryl looked more butch than him.) If anything, it looks like that visit from his mom rattled him.

Nancy Grace and Tristan: Talk about Always Looking on the Bright Side of Life. A ‘9’ Carrie Ann? Really?! I’ve always said that Nancy’s technique was solid, but I didn’t see anything last night that was significantly better than, say, her “Flash Gordon” Paso doble. In fact, I thought the parts of the foxtrot that were in hold were pretty basic and dull. Fortunately, Nancy really came to life during the jazzier, side-by-side solo work and showed strong performance quality for the first time.

David Arquette and Kym: How was delightful Aussie Kym never cast as Sandy from “Grease” on this show before last night? Perfect casting aside, David Arquette’s quickstep proved to be a little too unstable and wobbly, even if it was perfectly delightful. It’s to the point where David seems like such a nice guy and so happy about everything having to do with the show (he’s the anti-Hope) that I end up rooting for him to be better than he actually is…and I’m slightly underwhelmed.

Ricki Lake and Derek: The inevitable Ricki vs. J.R. storyline for the finals really started to gain steam last night. (Although, last night it seemed like EVERYONE was gunning for J.R.) There’s not really much for me to add to the overall excellence of Ricki’s “Luck Be a Lady” quickstep other than to reiterate how great of a choreographer Derek is and to show gratitude than Ricki is now letting her weight-loss come up organically rather than mention it every single week.

Chaz Bono and Lacey: Coming off a season-best samba last week, it’s not a shock to see Chaz take a bit of a step back. I didn’t think his tango was as bad as most of the judges made it out to be (decent posture, solid footwork). Then again maybe I didn’t hate it because his “Phantom of the Opera” mask covered up most of the wincing that usually makes Chaz’s performances literally painful to watch.

Hope Solo and Maks (pictured, left): Since I covered Maks-gate up top, I’m going to focus on the dancing. I don’t know why the Pros don’t bring in dancers that are the same sex as their celeb partners more often because it makes a WORLD of difference to see how movements and steps are supposed to be done. It seemed to work for a while with Hope…until the troupe dancers went away. By the time she hit the dance floor, she was mostly her stiff self, which can be passable in certain dances, but NOT the rumba, which is supposed to be fluid. I wouldn’t call it her worst dance of the season (as Len did) but I still can’t imagine she’s long for this show.

Unfortunately, all this controversy overshadowed the fact that this was a rumba to “Seasons of Love” from “Rent.” (You probably have to be musical theatre geek to appreciate how ridiculous the previous sentence is.)

J.R. Martinez and Karina: J.R. closed the competition portion of the evening with a show-stopping quickstep to the closing number from “Chicago.” If there’s one clear advantage J.R. has over Ricki, I’d say it’s his musicality (the way he feels the music and translates it to his movements). That was once again on display last night. I don’t know if this was actually Karina’s most ambitious routine (as she claimed), but I WAS a little scared that J.R. would blow his cartwheel. Crisis averted and J.R. tied Ricki atop the leader board.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you a fan of the “Big Spender” group number? (I actually LOVED the group stuff…but could’ve done without each individual couple mangling their lifts.) Was Maks ok to complain or is Len the only one allowed to complain? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I think Chaz’s time may be up.)

Dancing with the Stars: Manic Monday

I may have been out of commission the last two weeks — thanks to a Tampa Bay Bucs football game that pre-empted “Dancing with the Stars” and my vacation last week — but it’s been pretty obvious for a while now that the battle for this season’s ridiculous mirrorball trophy is between J.R. Martinez and Ricki Lake.

J.R. and Ricki are SO much better than everyone else — especially with the once-promising Kristen and Chynna gone — that watching everyone else has become somewhat of a waste of time.

Read-on for my thoughts on who SHOULD join J.R. and Ricki in the finals, as well as my breakdown of each couple on 80’s Night (so much neon!), in order of appearance.

Hope Solo and Maks (pictured, right): I’m sorry, but I’m just not seeing what the judges and everyone else seems to be seeing in Hope. (Especially Len, who keeps claiming she has a chance to go all the way.) Although her performance quality has improved each week (as silly as it was, I really liked seeing her rock out at the end of “Livin’ on a Prayer”) I still find her to be an incredibly awkward and stiff dancer. Fortunately, being a little stiff isn’t the worst thing in the world when you’re dancing the tango, as she was last night. Still, I think she’s a pretty bad dancer who hasn’t noticeably improved since week 1. On top of that, watching her argue with Maks is officially as depressing as watching Brandy argue with Maks. (Except that Brandy never me giggle by saying that she’s accustomed to having “balls being driven at her face.”) Oh well…at least she’s still really hot!

Carson Kressley and Anna: Whatever strides Carson made as a competent dancer during his paparazzi-themed tango a few weeks ago have officially been undone by his pirate waltz last week and his unwieldy cheerleading jive this week. Carson’s a terrible dancer, but since we already established that either J.R. or Ricki are winning, I’m ok with keeping Carson around as long as I get to type phrases like “pirate waltz” and “cheerleading jive.” Bruno perfectly summed up Carson’s dance (and the entire show in general) by calling it “a crowning achievement in madness.”

Nancy Grace and Tristan: Nancy really is not a bad dancer at all. The problem is that she continues to show infinitely more personality during her rehearsal packages (Nancy Grace was a cheerleader…who still remembers her chants?!) than she does on the dance floor. (In fact, we’ve seen more nipple than personality from Nancy in the ballroom up to this point.) Her rumba to “True” was, once again, solid but unspectacular. I was more interested by her continuing banter with Tristan, who is the most interesting new Pro this show has added in years.

J.R. Martinez and Karina: Jose Rene Martinez’s samba was absolutely the best dance of the night. I can’t really understand why Carrie Ann wasn’t “feeling it”, but I did enjoy the way Bruno milked the crowd before giving the couple its first 10. I honestly don’t see any weaknesses with J.R. as a DWTS competitor: he can do Latin and ballroom and he can be funny/charming, as well as completely serious.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: Ladies and gentleman, my official third place pick for this season of “Dancing with the Stars”! I never would’ve guessed it after the first week, but Rob’s gradual improvement (like a hare, not a rabbit) has made him into a shockingly proficient and engaging dancer. As the judges pointed out last night, he actually looked like he was Cheryl’s equal for the first time, and there’s really no reason to believe that won’t continue. (I don’t even think he’ll need lesson on how to be “sexy” from his pal Romeo, who skeezed me out a few times last season when he constantly hit on Chelsie.)

Chaz Bono and Lacey: It may seem like faint praise, but this was absolutely Chaz’s best dance during his time on the show. I was worried for his creaky knees when I heard he was going to have to do a samba to “Get Down On It.” Thankfully, Lacey’s impressively limber/energetic dad Buddy (a world-renowned dancer who happens to be a large man like Chaz) was on-hand to help and seemingly inspired Chaz. Since Chaz looked like he was having fun (or, at least, like he wasn’t in pain) I was finally able to enjoy watching him.

David Arquette and Kym: Like Len, I enjoyed the 80’s punk vibe more than I did the actual tango to “Tainted Love,” which was solid. If anything, David seemed so paranoid about being technically perfect (he freaked out at the prospect of breaking hold) that he lost a good part of his performance quality, which is his greatest strength. At least we got a dose of that during his great Len impression in rehearsal. (“It’s like ordering fish and not getting the chips!”)

Ricki Lake and Derek: After earning the first 10s of the season last week, the most predictable thing in the world was that the judges would be extra hard on Ricki or look for a way to knock her down a notch so she doesn’t peak too early. They didn’t have to look too hard last night. The judges crushed her for being off-rhythm while busting out the Roger Rabbit dance. My biggest problem with her alleged foxtrot is that I’d have absolutely no idea that it was SUPPOSED to be a foxtrot if I hadn’t heard English-accented announcer guy introduce it as such. Still, she was very strong while in hold and (unlike Chynna and Kristen) performed late in the show, so I suspect she’ll be fine.

So what’d you think of this episode? Anyone else surprised that The Bangles were still together, much less releasing a new album this fall? Finally, am I way off base on Hope? If so, who do you think is going home tonight?

Dancing with the Stars: Booby Prize

Sometimes, having a DVR can be a real drag. Wait, that’s not true…I love my DVR!

Except I didn’t love it so much last night after Nancy Grace’s revealing quickstep. I wondered why the show cut to a shot of a stoic, silent audience while we could all HEAR the crowd applauding following her performance. We saw a quick shot of Nancy Grace before a quick cut back to the zombie crowd.

As a journalist, I HAD to rewind to see what was going on. Thankfully/unfortunately, my DVR was able to confirm. It wasn’t so much a nipple slip as much as it was an areola-slip. (Although I think I did detect a hint of nipple.)

Anyway, I’ve spent way too much time on this topic. Let’s break down last night’s jives and quicksteps, in order of appearance.

Hope Solo and Maksim: The big issue this week was how Hope didn’t have enough time to rehearse because of her busy soccer schedule. (Although I did like the shot of Maks at the soccer match looking impatient.) Hope’s performance quality (usually an issue for non-entertainers) was much better, she was still way to stiff and doing the professional athlete thing where the body is too tightly coiled, especially around the shoulders. At least now we know that she can shake her ass really well.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark: Kristin DID look great as Marilyn Monroe during her quickstep, but I think she actually danced a little better than Len gave her credit for. I hate to keep beating the guy up, but is anyone out there surprised that Mark broke hold during the quickstep…and basically admitted that he didn’t give a damn? Sorry, but I honestly thought this would be the week that I didn’t have to talk about how much of a tool that guy is.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson: I didn’t really think David’s waltz he was subdued last week during his waltz, so I didn’t get the contrast the judges were talking about after his wild jive last night. Even though Kym uncharacteristically kicked his butt during rehearsal, David continues to be a compete charmer about wanting to “blow people’s minds” with his dancing. It remains unclear whether our minds will be blown in a good or bad way. David and J.R. remain neck-and-neck for the title of Mr. Congeniality.

Elisabetta Canalis and Val: I thought Elisabetta and Val started their quickstep on incredibly shaky ground, but ended pretty solidly. Unfortunately, she and Val clearly can’t stand each other. So far, Val appears to be just as abrasive as his brother Maksim only with none of the charm that we eventually discovered Maksim has after a few seasons.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: Can it be? Do I actually find a member of the Kardashian crew kinda/sorta likable? (Oh wait, I forgot that I already kinda/sorta like Khloe.) This week, Rob revealed that he’s reserved and self-conscious about his man-boobs. (Kudos to the costume person who forced him to wear a wife beater underneath his Hawaiian shirt to help him get over it.) More importantly, his dancing was more fluid and much improved during his jive, though he still has a lot of work to do. Finally, I think axing the move that apparently required Rob to run up a wall (and break through the drywall during rehearsal) turned out to be a good idea.

Carson Kressley and Anna: (Sigh) At least Carson honestly tried to dance well this week, unlike last week when he was just clowning around. The biggest problem is that he’s completely terrible. (Sadly, his phys ed. teacher was right…this child lacks coordination.) Still, it was an improvement and, unlike Hope Solo, he’s going plenty of time to rehearse and get better. (Meaning he’s got nothing else going on.) Still, the judges were right: when he’s dancing, I’m always afraid that he’s either going to fall or drop Anna.

Ricki Lake and Derek: Best pure jive of the night. (And kind of a hot jive, which you don’t usually see.) The Polaroid pics on the big screen (the song was “Hey Ya”) were cute. My only complaint is that I’m already completely over Ricki invoking the name of Kirstie Alley ever week using this show as her own personal weight-loss commercial. It’s great that you’re losing weight, but just let us naturally marvel at how much better you look by the end of this thing instead of constantly bringing it up.

Chaz Bono and Lacey: Poor Chaz. Last week, he talked about how out of shape he is and how bad his knees are. This week, he talked about how much he was dreading the quickstep, which is a perfect storm of awfulness for what ails Chad. Chaz is doing his best (and Lacey took out some of the flashier moves) but it was painful to watch him dance. (Almost as painful as it must’ve been for Chaz’s knees to do the quickstep.)

Chynna Phillips and Tony: After an impressive debut last week, it seemed to me like Tony inexplicably scaled things down for his jive with Chynna. That boring, tentative routine seemed more appropriate for Susan Lucci than for someone who can actually dance. Hopefully, they’ll set things right again this week because I really enjoy this couple, particularly Chynna’s willingness to curse during rehearsal. (How long until Cee-Lo Green records “Fudge You”?)

Nancy Grace and Tristan (pictured, left): I mean, honestly…out of all the female celebrities and Pros on this show, I had to rewind to catch Nancy Grace’s nipple?! Ok, I’m done, I promise. Nancy and Tristan had a tough time during rehearsal with Nancy shutting down after some seemingly not-that-tough love from Tristan. Watching this duo pick itself up was actually pretty charming. That, combined with the buzz from Nancy’s wardrobe malfunction will probably be enough to keep her around another week. There’s also the matter of her surprisingly solid score of 21 for a quickstep that I thought was still too slow and basic for my taste, but a definite upgrade from last time.

J.R. Martinez and Karina: For the second week in a row J.R. and Karina delivered the best performance of the night…unfortunately, their jive really WAS a Lindy hop. (Then again, I love the Lindy hop.) Oh well. Come on, Pros! After a dozen seasons, you’re not going to slip something like this past the judges. On the other hand, I don’t really care that they did a side-flip at the start of the routine (much to the chagrin of Lift Police Officer Carrie Ann) so I’m not a complete stickler.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Len seem (even) crankier than usual this season? Is it a bad sign that I agree with some of his gripes? Does anyone besides Carrie Ann really care when there are lifts? Who do you think is going home? (I think Chaz’s supporters carry him another week, so I’m just going to keep picking Elisabetta until it happens. Should be sooner rather than later, right?)

Dancing with the Stars: "It's Like Having An Amusement Park In Your Heart"

“Dancing with the Stars” is back with its most controversial cast yet! At least that’s what I keep reading on the Internet…so it must be true.

Sure, almost all the questions coming into this season were focused on Chaz Bono. (What would parents tell their young children about the show’s first transgender contestant? Would the average kid really be able to tell that Chaz wasn’t born a man just by looking at him? Most importantly, why are parents afraid of speaking with their kids candidly?)

That’s why it was such a delight to see that the 13th season premiere was a refreshingly breezy, drama-free affair. I watched each couple closely and I found value in every single celebrity as a contestant…even the ones who looked like they were dancing with casts on both their legs.

Let’s get right to it and break each couple down — whether they performed the Viennese waltz or the cha cha cha — in order of appearance.

Ron Artest and Peta: Why wouldn’t Ron go by his new name, Metta World Peace, right off the bat? The “Vote 4 Metta/Peta” T-shirt practically writes itself. I hope he wasn’t waiting until next week to bust out the name change because he may not be around.

Even though I don’t understand why Artest was styled like Dennis Rodman for this dance, and even though his dancing was so bad that train wrecks shook their heads sadly when they watched it, I didn’t think it was a TOTAL disaster. Sure, Ron will never be a great dancer on this show because he’s just way too tall/big, but I saw hints of hip-action during his cha cha cha. More importantly, his apparent willingness to wear anything make him an ideal DWTS contestant.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: I’d somehow avoided watching even a single minute of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” until a few weeks ago, but the scene I did see featured Rob’s sisters and his mom bossing him around and demeaning him. (I’m told this describes all his scenes.) As a result, I wasn’t shocked to see the narrative of this week’s rehearsal footage was Rob lightly challenging Cheryl’s authority before Rob finally fell in line.

The good news is that Rob’s brand of atrociousness on the dance floor during his waltz was oddly endearing. The bad news is that he appears to possess zero musicality and Frankenstein’s monster thought he looked stiff out there. I’ll give him a slight pass because he’s not a natural performer, but I can’t see him lasting too long.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas: I honestly wish there would have been some way for me to bet that Mark Ballas would wind up with the season’s youngest or most athletic female dancer. That never happens. (The only thing that was less shocking was that Chaz Bono, the season’s buzziest contestant, would dance last.)

In case you can’t tell, my general distaste for Mark hasn’t gone away. And the “look at me” way he struck his pose right before they started their cha cha cha and his insistence on outshining his celebrity partner were both on display last night. It’s too bad. Kristin looks like she actually has some skills, but the routine was a little heavy on hairography and too light on dance moves, which I suspect she can actually pull off. (I promise I’ll do my best to put my bias aside going forward.)

Chynna Phillips and Tony: If we learned one thing from Cynna and Tony’s rehearsal segment is that, no matter where you are or who you are, watching someone get kicked in the groin is funny. Anyway, I think gentlemanly Tony is the ideal partner for Chynna, and their waltz was my second favorite dance of the night. I think everything (partner, dance style) came together perfectly for Chynna to have a strong opening performance, but I’ll be more impressed if she can pull off a strong Latin dance.

Nancy Grace and Tristan: I was a bit shocked by how mild of a presence Nancy Grace turned out to be in her rehearsal segment. (Maybe she’s perfectly normal when no one says the words “Casey” or “Anthony” around her.) Nancy was able to overcome her language barrier with partner Tristan MacManus (she speaks American, he speaks Irish…she says “third”, he says “turd”…let’s call the whole thing off) to deliver a shockingly delightful cha cha cha. Imagine how much better it’ll be if she actually moves her feet and arms next week!

David Arquette and Kym: I usually have some terrible pun as a title for my recaps, but I HAD to go with Arquette’s quote to Kym while they were dancing in rehearsal because it’s one of the loveliest things I’ve heard anyone say in a while. I like Sober David Arquette. He cleans up well. His waltz started off well before getting a little clumsy. Arquette forgot his face when he made a mistake, but I can see him cleaning that stuff up, channeling his energy in a positive way and lasting well into the competition. (At least long enough for ABC to slip in some overt “Cougar Town” plugs with Courteney Cox in the audience.

Elisabetta Canalis and Val: As soon as I saw Elisabetta and Val (Maksim’s brother) start their dance in a prop bed, I knew they were in trouble. (Did Val not get the memo that Len hates when couples “mess about”?) Anyway, the vigorous nature of the cha cha cha did little for the gangly Elisabetta, who was pretty much a disaster whenever she wasn’t in hold with her partner. Oh well…at least she got to be with George Clooney for a while. So that’s something.

Hope Solo and Maksim: Maks seems to have more fun when his partner can actually stand up to him (ala Mel B.) as opposed to when they curl up in a ball in the corner of the rehearsal room. (I think Brandy and Kirstie Alley may still huddled together crying.) Hope is both extremely hot and an imposing physical presence. Her opening waltz with Maks was good, but not great. The couple just LOOKS great together (especially when they were in closed hold), but Hope has the usual muscular athlete lack of fluidity. I think that’s correctable. If she can find a flair for performing, this couple will be around for a while.

Carson Kressley and Anna: I think we can all agree if “Dancing with the Stars” isn’t the gayest show on TV, it’s certainly in the discussion. However, even with all the sparkles and fringe, and even with all the openly (or presumed) gay contestants and pros on the show, watching Carson dance with Anna last night served as a perfect reminder as to why male ballroom/Latin dancers NEED to project masculinity when they dance. I mean, even Chaz was infinitely more masculine in his cha cha cha.

Fortunately for Carson, none of that matters just yet because he was a blast to watch. The standing ovation he got for basically doing a modified chicken dance and his completely charming rehearsal and interview segments tell me that he’s going to be a fan favorite. However, I’d like to eventually see some proof that he can actually dance. I have hope because he vowed that “no one will work harder to compensate for my lack of talent.”

J.R. Martinez and Karina: My favorite performance of the night due, in no small part, that he was pretty much the only contestant to both dance quite well AND work the crowd in an effective way. His waltz was an absolute pleasure to watch. I’d never seen this person before, but he’s funny, he’s got an inspiring back story and he’s a good dancer with room to improve. What more do you want from a DWTS contestant? Add in his sizable soap opera fan base. (Assuming it is sizable…I mean soaps ARE getting canceled left and right.)

Ricki Lake and Derek: I liked Derek and Ricki’s waltz more than the judges did. Ricki seems like a pretty capable dancer, and she’s got a strong choreographer as a partner. (A lot of the things I said about Mark earlier could apply to Derek…except that Derek at least goes to the trouble of making his partners look good.) I just hope that the “I want to lose weight”/ “I’m not your typical skinny girl” narrative she introduced last night doesn’t become a weekly thing. Sorry to be insensitive, but that’s always kind of a downer. Just go out there, kick ass, and the pounds will fall off!

Chaz Bono and Lacey: Despite fretting about his round, beautiful belly, Chaz was surprisingly light on his feet during the cha cha cha with Lacey. Chaz could be seeing practicing for this dance throughout the night with Lacey as the show was coming in from and going to commercial breaks and the extra work seemed to help. Chaz had some of the best solo work out of any celebrity doing the cha cha cha, but his partnering left something to be desired, which is pretty much the exact opposite of what usually happens with non-pros.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you digging the new, elevated dance floor or the grand staircase to the interview area? (Until someone goes flying off the dance floor and into a Kardashian’s lap, I don’t think it’ll be much of a factor.) Is it a coincidence that 3 out of the lowest 4 scores came courtesy of couples with new Pros? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I think it’s going to be Elisabetta. I mean who’s going to vote for her? Fellow, sympathetic George Clooney exes?)

Dancing with the Stars: Three-style

Crowning the season 12 winner of “Dancing with the Stars” will come down to the fans. (It will also come down to “not Kirstie Alley.”)

With Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane tied atop the judges’ leader board at the end of the final performance episode, it’s up to voters to push their favorite to the top.

Although I still think Chelsea is the most talented dancer this season, Hines and Kym has been my favorite partnership all season and I enjoy watching them dance more. (The fact that I mostly can’t stand Mark Ballas probably has a little something to do with this.)

Even before Kym suffered that scary spine injury last week, I have a feeling Hines and Kym had most of the “Dancing” nation behind him, so I expect them to pull out the win. Chelsea, meanwhile, can join the likes of Gilles Marini and Stacey Keibler on the list of Best Dancers In Their Season Who Didn’t Actually Win.

Even Kirstie Alley can take solace in the fact that she lost a considerable amount of weight…and in the fact that Maks won’t be psychologically terrorizing her anymore.

See? Everybody wins! Let’s break down last night’s final three couples, in order of appearance.

Chelsea Kane and Mark: This is the week where the judges visit the remaining three couples, and I think they were all extremely helpful. (Although pretty much any reality show judge seems helpful these days when compared to the fiasco of a judging panel on “American Idol” this year.)

Carrie Ann stopped by and helped Chelsea get in touch with her womanly side by teaching her some impressive body rolls and hip swivels. One of my main complaints during Chelsea’s Latin dances is her disappointing hip action. She absolutely corrected that during the Judges’ Choice samba, which was her best Latin dance of the season. I still think she could benefit from adopting some of Kirstie Alley’s slinkier movements, but Mark’s choreography is so ambitiously over-stuffed that there’s just no time. Still, this was a big improvement!

Did someone say “ambitiously overstuffed”?! That was the theme for the pair’s “Tron”-ish freestyle. Wow, Mark and his partner are so young and hip! (Gag.) In all seriousness though, youth and athleticism is this couple’s biggest advantage, so why not use it? The fact that Chelsea pulled off this incredibly difficult routine packed with challenging lifts meant that she deserved the three 10s she got. The battery that was supposed to power her hands and feet, on the other hand, gets a 5 from me.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: Bruno stopped by this couple’s rehearsal space and encouraged Kirstie to take more moments for herself during the dances. He also encouraged her to be more assured with her movements, but I still saw some tentativeness in their samba. Kirstie’s routine was always going to look a little tame (and lame) after Chelsea and Mark’s borderline psychotic samba, but the judges made sure to point out (for the 100th time) that Chelsea and Kirstie’s styles are very different. Overall, Kirstie did a good job.

I wish I could say the same about their hot mess of a freestyle, which I’m putting up there with Marie Osmond’s doll-themed freestyle on the disaster scale. I loved how you could tell that Maks did NOT want to do lifts, but felt compelled to throw them in just because it’s the freestyle round. To their credit, their very first lift was lovely. Unfortunately, everything else that followed was bad. Kirstie and Maks seemed out of synch when the music sped up and when Kirstie came out of doing her cartwheel. On the plus side: Kirstie Alley can do a cartwheel!

Hines Ward and Kym: I wasn’t a fan of Hines’ first quickstep, but Len was able to straighten him out by fondling Hines’ deltoids and fixing his frame and posture. Hines and Kym’s quickstep was completely charming and probably my favorite dance of the night. (Poor Kym, having to rehearse in a neck brace.)

I was a little worried about the couple for the freestyle round. As Maks solemnly pointed out, you’re expected to bust out lifts during the freestyle and that’s precisely how Kym almost got paralyzed. Fortunately, the solution was an incredibly clever halftime show-themed routine that displayed several dancing styles and included relatively low-risk lifts. (Except for the lift at the end, which was awesome and perfectly timed to the music.) Objectively, it wasn’t better than Chelsea and Mark’s routine, but I enjoyed it more…and I think that pretty much sums up this year’s contenders for the Mirrorball Trophy.

So what’d you think of this episode? Which judge would you want to counsel you? Does Kirstie have ANY chance of winning? Finally, who’s going to win — Hines or Chelsea?

Dancing with the Stars: Pain in the Neck

There’s a strong chance that last night’s “Winner Takes All Cha Cha” was solely created to put Chelsea and Mark in the finals.

Let’s be real: Disney Channel star Chelsea (running to Google to make sure I have the right last name) Kane does NOT have as big a fan base as Ralph Macchio or Kirstie Alley. And she certainly doesn’t have the support of Steeler Nation, like Hines.

So it’s not exactly shocking that the show would want to invent a way to gift an extra 15 points to (arguably) the season’s most gifted dancer, who would presumably attract a younger audience to next week’s finals.

But enough of my ridiculous conspiracy theories. Let’s break down last night’s episode, which featured four couples performing a whopping 18 routines and one judge telling someone “You were too rough with your pussy, darling.” (Take a wild guess as to which judge provided that soundbite.)

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Ralph seemed mostly recovered from last week’s injuries, but he (and Karina) seemed to be having a harder time bouncing back from being the least well-reviewed couple left on the show. The beginning of their Argentine tango was promising (street lamp), but the routine itself ended up being listless. I expect a guy with a bad leg to not nail all his tango kicks, but I don’t expect the dance to be a total snooze.

Their salsa — which hilariously/inexplicably featured Ralph as a baby-faced Tony Montana and Karina auditioning for the role of Cheetara in the “Thundercats” movie that only exists in my head (and inspiring Bruno’s lewd comment) — was an even bigger wreck. I admire that Ralph tried to do something a little more “fun”, but…oh, wait…that’s not true! To me, Ralph’s greatest weakness this year (other than his health) has been his over-the-top/hyper dancing. He’s been at his best this season when he’s reeled that in a bit. I mean, do we REALLY want to see Ralph Macchio as a wild and crazy guy? It just feels like we love him as the sweet guy who gushes over his wife in his pre-performance package.

Since Ralph was at the bottom of the leader board, he was the fourth seed in the Winner Takes All Cha Cha mini-tournament. Cha cha has never been his strength and, once again, his dance was covered with stiffness (his shoulders were way too high) and a lack of hip action.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: After her weekly rehearsal week meltdown — should we all pitch in for some sensitivity training for Maks or do we actually like him this way — Kirstie delivered two rock solid dances.

Her Viennese waltz was both lively and lovely (those spinning arm turns were fun to watch), while her Paso Doble was similarly strong (and not just her epic headband that made her look like a superhero). Also, apparently I was the last person to know that Kirstie Alley was some kind of coke fiend.

Unfortunately, her Winner Takes All face/off against Chelsea (which was shaping up to be an interesting contrast in style) never got going. Kirstie and Maks seemed to have trouble getting started to the beginning, and she lost.

Chelsea Kane and Mark: I’m with Carrie Ann on this one: Chelsea’s legs WERE disappointingly weak during her Argentine tango, which also compared unfavorably to Gilles Marini and Cheryl’s routine to the same music a few years ago. If it sounds like I’m a little harsh on Chelsea, it’s because I think she’s the best dancer this season, yet she keeps getting held back for various reasons. (Usually involving her idiot partner.)

Fortunately, the duo bounced back with an appropriately flowy rumba. I just don’t know if I thought it was sexy and I certainly don’t think it merited a perfect score. On a more personal basis, I’m still seeing a little too much contemporary and not enough ballroom in Mark’s choreography. (Just join “So You Think You Can Dance” already! Oh wait, I watch that show too…just go away, Mark!)

As I mentioned before, Chelsea and Mark captured the extra 15 points and vaulted to the top of the leader board after defeating Hines and Kym in the Winner Takes All challenge. I guess none of the judges minded that Chelsea and Mark performed pretty much the same routine for their “instant” final matchup against Hines that they did against Kirstie in the previous round. (I realize that time was extremely short and that Hines also performed a very similar routine, but the difference is that Mark is a Pro AND a lead, so he should’ve at least been able to guide Chelsea through some new moves.)

Hines Ward and Kym: Remember how I said that the producers catapulted Chelsea and Mark to the finals last night? Well, it doesn’t really matter because I think Hines and Kym won this season last night.

Oof! Kym’s fall during rehearsal (pictured, left) was bad enough without having a professional football player land on top of her and drive her neck and spine into the ground. I’ve never nearly paralyzed someone, but I HAVE danced with someone who injured their ankle and even that made me feel guilty and awful. I can only imagine how Hines felt. That’s why I got goosebumps after Hines and Kym’s Argentine tango, despite the fact that it wasn’t the most thrilling routine in the world. Seeing the way Hines emotionally and physically supported Kym was beautiful, and I’m not going to get worked up about the judges giving them a perfect score.

I WILL get worked up over their perfect 30 for their salsa. Their side-by-side stuff was good, but I didn’t think it had enough heat or hip action. I just don’t’ think this show does salsa very well. It always winds up looking like a Generic Latin Dance. (Could you definitely tell it apart from a mambo? Or a cha cha?

Hines easily won his round 1 Winner Takes All matchup against Kirstie, but seemed exhausted in every way by the time he had to take on Chelsea in the finals. It doesn’t matter. I believe Hines will make it into the finals. He’s been a fan favorite all season, but after seeing this couple last night and how much they care for each other, I think they clinched the Mirrorball Trophy yesterday.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it “cha cha” or “cha cha cha”? (Make up your mind, show!) Did you think it was possible to botch a coin flip as spectacularly as Brooke did last night? Finally, who do you think will join Hines and Chelsea in the finals? (Unfortunately for Ralph, I don’t think his fake butt will be enough to propel him to next week’s finals.)

Dancing with the Stars: Falling Down

Maybe I’m wrong, but I remember Instant Dance week being a lot more fun the first time around.

Last night the five remaining couples on “Dancing with the Stars” each performed a regular routine followed by an “instant” dance to a song they selected after their first performance. Although each couple knew what style they’d be dancing, they didn’t know what song they’d be performing to and had just “minutes” to prepare. (It was more like 50 or 60 minutes, but “minutes” nonetheless.) This is especially challenging because the celebrities are obviously not incredibly familiar with any of the dance styles, so they often take their cues from the music.

Either way, it was disappointing to see that none of the dances lived up to the greatness of Kyle Massey’s instant jive from last season. In fact, this season’s instant dances generally (understandably) thrown-together and messy, but why didn’t they even come close to matching the previous season’s efforts.

I guess we can blame it on a combination of injury and stress. Either way, let’s break down last night’s performances:

Chelsea Kane and Mark: Ok, so it’s not just me. Last night, Chelsea basically begged Mark to stop acting like a dick because it’s making them BOTH look bad. So know I know I’m not the only one who has found Mark particularly insufferable this season.

Even Mark’s waltz choreography was a little too contemporary for my taste (not enough time in hold), it was danced EXTREMELY well and it told a terrific story. (The wave lighting effect in the beginning was cool.)

On the other hand, their Instant Salsa was a mess right from the botched music cue at the beginning. As Carrie Ann pointed out, I didn’t think their dancing went with their music at all. On top of that, it wasn’t much of a salsa. It was more of a Generic Latin Dance 101 punctuated by occasional booty shaking. (Be honest: if someone had told you that was a cha cha cha, would you have noticed that it wasn’t?)

Hines Ward and Kym: Hines had the facial expression (he can do cheese!) and the character down pat as he proposed to Kym in their foxtrot, but I would’ve liked to have seen him be a little lighter on his feet. There were a couple of instances when he was kind of plodding along. Still, the fact that he eventually plods gives Hines’ dancing a masculine quality that didn’t make Carrie Ann’s comparison to Gene Kelly COMPLETELY sacrilegious.

His sloppy feet were also an issue during the instant jive, but Hines once again compensated for any technical deficiencies with winning and infectious enthusiasm and energy. This was especially welcome on a night when celebs were battling injuries, low blood sugar and telling their Pro partners to stop acting like jackasses.

Romeo and Chelsie (pictured, left): I actually thought they had a pretty great tango in the first round, but unlike Chelsea and Hines, they didn’t receive any 10s. Sure, maybe Romeo was visibly breathing a little too hard during his tango, but I loved the intensity of the dance and I REALLY liked that it actually seemed like Romeo was potentially leading her. (We know none of the male celebs actually lead the female Pros when they dance, but this was one of the more credible partnerships.)

I was also loving their Instant Salsa mostly because, unlike Chelsea and Mark, the dance Romeo and Chelsie did actually looked like a salsa you’d see at a club! (It probably helped that they visited a salsa club.) I was disappointed (and shocked!) that Len was the only one who really liked it. It was also a shame that they botched a few moves and got noticeably out of synch toward the end.

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Life imitates art…well, it imitates “The Karate Kid” at least. Ralph ruptured a cyst in his leg and took a pretty nasty fall in rehearsal. (Fortunately, Billy Zabka wasn’t around to “sweep the leg” and further aggravate the injury.) This was our weekly reminder that, even though Ralph may look like he’s 15 years old, he’s actually a 50-year-old man. That being said, I thought he did a very admirable job in his Viennese waltz where I’m assuming he and Karina were supposed to be vampires. (It’s the only explanation for the guyliner and the pancaked-on makeup.) It was also a smart idea to have the smoke machine hide any potentially wonky footwork.

Ralph’s injury didn’t allow him to work on the Instant dance at all, which turned out to be a cha cha cha to “Stuck in the Middle With You.” All these years, I knew the ear slicing scene in “Reservoir Dogs” was missing something…a hobbling Ralph Macchio cha cha cha’ing in the background! I actually appreciated that Karina’s little routine had a story — in a stunning departure, Ralph played a guy who didn’t feel like dancing because his leg hurt, but he did anyway — but his stiffness and the fact that he CLEARLY just wanted to make it to the end ultimately made it uncomfortable to watch.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: Even though she took some truly nasty falls during rehearsal this week thanks to stress and low blood sugar from not eating, I thought Kirstie’s round 1 Argentine tango is the best Kirstie has ever danced on this show. It was probably my favorite dance of the first round and I was almost as impressed by the fact that she didn’t get hurt during either of the two spills we saw her take. (Especially the one off the steps.) At least the mishap was confined to rehearsal this time, instead of the liiiiiiive show.

That didn’t carry over into their instant salsa, which was too slow, plodding and disconnected for my taste. At least we got to hear their dance described as “oily” by Len.

So what’d you think of this episode? What surprising adjective will Len use to describe a couple next week? Why were the instant dances so much worse this season? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m betting Ralph’s fans rally to save him, so I’m sticking with last week’s pick and saying Romeo gets the boot.)

Dancing with the Stars: Team Players

Last night, I hardly recognized “Dancing with the Stars”

“Ballroom god” Donnie Burns was crammed into the judges’ table along with Carrie Ann, Len and Bruno. (Poor Len, having to sit even closer to Bruno.) On top of that, each of the couples were mentored by visiting dancing legends Luca Baricchi and Shirley Ballas, a.k.a. Mark’s mom.

Let’s just get this out of the way quickly: Mark’s mom is hot and awesome! (So why is her son so annoying?)

Sure, all this razzle-dazzle (plus team dances! Diane Sawyer news briefs!) was due to ABC desperately straining to fill two-hours on their schedule with only six couples left, but I think it mostly worked. Well, not really. The show was still WAY too long. Then again I watched it all…so I guess it worked!

Before this intro becomes as bloated as last night’s episode, let’s get to the competitive performances! (Sorry, World Champion Tango and Jive couple…I’m skipping right over you.)

Team Chelsea (Romeo, Ralph and Chelsea, pictured, right) vs. Team Hines (Kendra, Kirstie and Hines):

The two teams squared off in the show’s latest cha-cha-challenge. Since Team Chelsea had the better dancers, it was no surprise that they were better from a technical perspective (Romeo and Chelsie’ solo, in particular, was great) and that their group dancing was tighter.

That being said, I simply enjoyed watching Team Hines more. Even though Kirstie WAS way off during the early parts of the group portion, she bounced back impressively with her terrific solo portion with Maks. It was probably the best dancing she’s ever done. Hines was solid, and Kendra was kind of a stiff during their spotlight moments.

Also, Kendra farted.

Chelsea Kane and Mark: I’ve ranted and raved about Mark’s tendency to make his dances all about him and the annoying way he choreographs whatever the hell he wants, mixes in a few proper moves from whatever style they’re supposed to be doing (this week it was the paso doble), then acts indignant when the judges call him out on not doing what he’s supposed to do.

Even though Mark was guilty of both those things this week, the fact that perpetually pleasant Chelsea’s “angry face” was so over-the-top and embarrassingly bad didn’t help. The bigger issue is that — despite the fact that Chelsea may be the most gifted dancer this season — I’m not really seeing her improve. She’s just kind of coasting on being young and athletic. Here’s hoping Mark cracks the whip and gets a great dance performance out of her.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: Sometimes I wonder if the rehearsal footage psyches us into seeing stuff we wouldn’t otherwise notice. For example, this week’s rehearsal package was mostly about how stiff Kendra is when she dances? Would we have noticed how stiff she was during her tango if we hadn’t just been bludgeoned over the head with that particular aspect of Kendra’s dancing?

Well, yes. Kendra was CLEARLY nervous and it translated to her body. It’s a shame because she competently executed a very challenging routine.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: The jive was never going to be a good fit for Kirstie. (I’m not even talking about the weight issue…I’m referring more to the fact that she’s 60 years old!) After her latest emotional breakdown in the studio — can we agree that Maks isn’t the most compassionate or communicative pro on this show — Kirstie came out and “danced” a jive that was alarmingly light on, well, jive. (The first 20 seconds was acting.) Unfortunately, the jive she did try to dance was problematic, especially the side-by-side portion with the jive kicks. Oof.

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Ralph’s Prohibition-themed quickstep was the best dance of the night and completed the comeback that began last week when he picked Karina off the ground. The rehearsal footage made us thing Ralph was going to break both knees during his routine, but he executed the energetic routine extremely well. (I would’ve liked his gallops across the dance floor to be a little airier, but that’s just me.)

Hines Ward and Kym: Somewhere, Jerome Bettis is STILL laughing at the idea of Hines as a ballroom dancer. I’m a little baffled that the judges didn’t like this tango more, because I thought it was strong. (Except for the part where they appeared to stumble at the end.) I thought Hines nailed the character, and I also thought he made for a credible lead. (As opposed to just standing there while Kym flipped her legs between his and danced around him.)

Romeo and Chelsie: This dud of a samba was my biggest disappointment of the night. Instead of shaking his hips and embodying the joy and party-vibe of the samba, Romeo insisted on inserting “swagger” into his routine. (Ugh!) The bigger problem is that Romeo didn’t actually do a whole lot of dancing during the routine. (WTF Chelsie?!) And the dancing he DID do, was remedial with his hip action being non-existent. This was like a routine you’d choreograph for someone like Kurt Warner (sorry, Kurt) not someone who has the ability to get 10s like Romeo!

So what’d you think of this episode? How do we know that Donnie Burns is really a legend? (I mean, honestly…it’s not like we follow the world of competitive ballroom dancing. They could’ve just hired some actor and pretended like he was some legend and I’d never know because I’m too lazy to Google “Donnie Burns.” Now I almost wish the whole thing were an act!) Why won’t Len stop making comments about the women’s breasts all of a sudden? (He gave Team Hines the “booby prize.”) Finally, who do you think is going home? (It’s got to be Kendra right? Wrong! I’m going with Romeo.)

Dancing with the Stars: Guilty as Charged

Even though last week’s episode of “Dancing with the Stars” was nothing short of a disaster and I still think theme weeks are completely unnecessary…I was kind of digging last night’s “Guilty Pleasures” theme.

That’s probably because there’s no guiltier pleasure out there than “Dancing with the Stars”! Every time I watch this show — and then proceed to write about it — my Man Card gets cut in half. I can’t even keep track of how many times I’ve had to re-apply for one of those things over the years.

But enough about me! Let’s talk about last night’s couples, in order of appearance.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: Remember how Kirstie (along with Ralph) was considered the favorite to win this season after her week 1 performance? Me neither! Obviously, it’s been easy to forget with all the thigh spasms, missing shoes and mid-rehearsal breakdowns. But last night’s samba to “…Baby One More Time” was a good and much-needed reminder that Kirstie can actually dance quite well. Her steps were right on, but I still would’ve liked to have seen more oomph in her moves.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl: Doing a tango to “Don’t Stop Believin’” turned out to be just as bad as it sounded. After being labeled a contender last week by the judges, Chris seemed to crumble under the pressure of delivering even higher scores. Although his technique was sound, if you looked at his face during the routine, he really looked like he just wanted to get it over with. (And so did I.) Afterwards, Chris basically admitted that it was crap. I hope he gets another week to redeem himself, but he’s going to be in some trouble tonight.

Romeo and Chelsie: I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Romeo really began ascending to the top of the leader board as soon as he stopped bitching during rehearsals. Sure, the way he hits on Chelsie (and, last night, Brooke) is a little skeezy, but at least he’s fully invested in the show. I thought his waltz to “My Heart Will Go On” was the best dance of the night and deserving of the season’s first 10. (Or, as Bruno would say: “Tehn!!”) Now that he’s embraced the ridiculousness of this show — and admitted his love for “Titanic” — it’s clear he has no shame. The sky is the limit!

Chelsea Kane and Mark: We learned that Chelsea just wants everyone to get along and doesn’t have a competitive bone in her body…unless you dunk some water on her. (I guess they had to show SOMETHING from their rehearsals.) Anyway, I thought their quickstep to “Walkin’ on Sunshine” was appropriately lively and spry although (like Bruno) I detected a couple of quick moments when Chelsea looked unsteady. It was very good, but I wouldn’t have given it a 10. (I thought Jericho’s quickstep from earlier this season was better.) Credit also needs to go to Mark for dancing through a painful looking ankle injury he suffered during rehearsal. I would’ve never known he was hurt if it hadn’t been brought up…that’s why these people are Pros.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: I think Kendra is the worst dancer left in the bunch, but last night she delivered a lively, boob-a-licious samba that was her best dance BY FAR. Louis instructed her to shake everything God (and her plastic surgeon) gave her, and Kendra was happy to oblige. (Happy birthday, Len!) During rehearsals, it looked like she was going to be a bit tentative, but Louis pushed her to go over-the-top with everything and it ended up looking great on the dance floor. Methinks top-heavy girls like Kendra (and Kirstie and Wendy Williams) naturally feel self-conscious about shaking their anythings too much or any big movements, so it was good to see one of them cut loose. Kendra’s only problem might be that people may have been too traumatized from the footage of Bruno(’s banana hammock) in Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing” video to remember her call-in number.

Hines Ward and Kym: It figures. The last few weeks I felt like Hines had been over scored by the judges. Last night, I thought his “End of the Road” Viennese waltz was pretty excellent (I liked his connection to Kym and the audience), but the judges — or at least Carrie Ann — seemed a little underwhelmed. I’m not saying it SHOULD happen, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Hines were placed “in jeopardy” this week to give his fan base a kick in the pants.

Ralph Macchio and Karina (pictured, right): Karina’s tumble and fall during her paso doble with Ralph actually made me think about how remarkable these professional dancers are. I’ve seen every performance night episode of this show, and in 12 seasons I can’t remember any other instance where a pro has made such a glaring mistake. (And even last night you could argue that the DWTS costume department is to blame.)

I rewound and watched the fall several times, and I was mostly struck by how quickly and calmly Ralph helped her up. It took the couple a bit to recover (she looked embarrassed and a little shocked), but I think they finished strong. On one hand, it’s a shame because I’ve been saying for a while that the paso is the PERFECT match for Ralph’s over-the-top intensity. (The couple still performed quite well.) On the other hand, I think I was more impressed by Ralph’s quick action and composure than I would’ve been if they had done the dance without incident.

So what’d you think of this episode? When you saw how old Hanson is now, did it make you feel like a grandparent or a great-grandparent? Were you surprised that Ralph waited this long to unleash “wax-on/wax-off?”? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m going with Kendra. Better to leave on a high-note, no?)

Dancing with the Stars: Yankee Doodle Dorky

Do we really need theme weeks on “Dancing with the Stars”?

Between the dancing, the laughably-bad singing from the band, the insane judges, the delusional celebrities, and the PG-13 nudity…isn’t there already enough stuff happening on this show?

I bring this up because I thought Americana week was pretty much a complete disaster.

Yes, I’m the same guy who raved about Classical Week last time out, so I’m basically a giant hypocrite. (“Theme weeks are terrible…unless I enjoy the theme!”) I like America and I like “Dancing with the Stars”, so what went wrong?

My biggest problem was that the costumes and song choices forced upon the couples this week often clashed horribly with the style of dance they were asked to do.

Don’t believe me? Let’s run down last night’s episode, in order of appearance, starting with…

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Ralph actually summed it up perfectly when he noted that this dance would feature a New Yorker and a Ukrainian performing a Brazilian party dance/two-step to “Sweet Home Alabama.” Why, that’s just crazy enough to work! Except that it didn’t. At all. Besides how crazy it was, I think Ralph reverted to his over-the-top tendencies that make him look crazy when he dances. I also felt like he was going to fall over at any second. Overall, not a great start to this episode and an unfortunate sign of things to come.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke: Not all of last night’s episode was terrible. In fact, I thought Jericho’s Viennese waltz was actually quite beautiful, even though I think there are still too many moments in his routines where he stands there while Cheryl dances around him. I’d give Chris his much-desired 8 for his waltz…and a 9 for his Len Goodman impersonation. Speaking of Len, where did his comment about Cheryl’s boobs/Rocky Mountains come from? She’s hardly the first pro to let it all hang out. Is he just now noticing?!

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry: I like to think that Elvis Presley is up in heaven (assuming he’s dead) and waiting for the death of the advertising genius who decided to turn “Viva Las Vegas” into “Viva Viagra”…so he can pummel the guy in the afterlife. Oh yeah, Petra. She’s such an insanely nice person — saying how grateful she is for all her opportunities in America — that I actually feel bad for knocking her wobbly, forgettable quickstep.

Romeo and Chelsie: I thought Romeo’s foxtrot was absolutely delightful. The problem was that it veered a bit too much into a Macchio-esque wildness at certain points. Most importantly, Rome FINALLY seems to be getting into the silly spirit of this show. Romeo also proudly announced that he’d officially outlasted his infamous dad on “Dancing with the Stars”, which led me to wonder…Master P lasted FOUR weeks?!?!

Hines Ward and Kym: Over the last two weeks I feel like he’s being a tad over scored because of the lack of a clear frontrunner. (Somebody’s gotta be in first place!) There’s also the fact that he’s just so damn likable. Although I thought he did a better job this week than last (he has the best hip action out of any celeb this year…including the ladies) I didn’t think their rumba was very sexy. But that probably has more to do with the wildly inappropriate song and Kym’s insane dress than Hines and Kym.

Kirstie Alley and Maksim: The DWTS wardrobe person must REALLY hate Kirstie Alley. I’m perfectly ok with the fact that she’s a little bigger, but her bell-bottomed/top with the sheer tummy outfit for “American Woman” didn’t do her (or anybody at home watching) any favors. Even though her routine was not a foxtrot by any stretch of the imagination, Kirstie danced it well and, more importantly, got through it without any mishaps. All credit must go to Dance Doctor John Travolta, who was more charming in his cameo than he has been in his last few movies.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis (pictured, right): The predictable “I really DO care about this ridiculous show” mea culpa from Kendra played out exactly as you’d expect. Well, maybe not, since Kendra still seemed overly perturbed by Carrie Ann’s observation that Kendra is afraid of acting elegant on the dance floor. (I agree.) It’s no accident that her best dance was the sexy rumba. Kendra danced pretty well. The problem was that her “Yankee Doodle Foxtrot” was the dorkiest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And I’ve seen every episode of this show! (Also, I’m a GIANT dork.)

Chelsea Kane and Mark: It’s probably just me, but it still feels like Mark is trying to outshine his partner when he dances. It’s one thing for one of the pros to over dance when their celeb stinks and they have to overcompensate, but Chelsea’s actually REALLY good, so, of course, Mark has to look even better. Ugh. Anyway, their samba WAS really clean and the best dance of the night. It’s no accident that Chelsea’s hip action was much improved from her cha cha a few weeks ago.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Ralph ever give Bruno sex? Am I the only one who can’t hear “Viva Las Vegas” without thinking “Viva Viagra”? Finally, who do you think is going home? (The conventional wisdom is probably Kendra…but I’m going to go with Petra.)

Dancing with the Stars: Harry Situation

Classical Week on “Dancing with the Stars” — with its 46-piece orchestra, mezzo soprano, excitable violinist and black-tie dress code — was such an upscale affair that I felt a little under-dressed watching from my couch.

Not really. I was still wearing more clothes than most of the dancers.

Here’s how everybody did with the Viennese waltz and paso doble, in order of appearance.

Romeo and Chelsie: Romeo kicked off the night with a pretty terrific paso doble routine that ended with my favorite paso doble-related “death” of the night. (Romeo got great height on his jump, and I loved the way Chelsie the Bull gasped for her last breath.) Unfortunately, I DID see the moment where Romeo lifted her off the ground, but does anybody other than Carrie Ann care if there are lifts?

I just wish that Romeo was completely into this show by now. Romeo had trouble getting into his aggressive character, so Chelsie allowed him to show off his basketball skills. Cliché alert! You’re not gonna believe this, but the young black guy is really into basketball. Come on, Romeo…surprise me for once! Why couldn’t his passion have been tennis or chess or something mildly unexpected? Congratulations, Romeo…you still look tough. Kinda. End of rant.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: With Wendy and Psycho Mike gone, there are no truly awful dancers left in the competition, but I thought Kendra was kind of a train wreck last night. She clearly wasn’t comfortable with the Viennese waltz during rehearsal, and that carried over into her performance, where she seemed totally unsure of herself. It was all over her face and her body language. I thought the judges were kind to give her straight 6s. Homegirl has to figure out a way to sell her performances, even when she’s not into the dance (like last night) or her partner (like always).

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna: Ray’s Viennese waltz was his most appealing performance. That’s probably due, in no small part, to the fact that his dance was very reminiscent of the Landler scene from “The Sound of Music.” It’s a good thing too because Carrie Ann was right to point out that Ray doesn’t so much glide across the dance floor as much as he jogs. I’m not sure if this performance was enough to keep him in the running, but it was a step in the right direction. Now why wasn’t he wearing a tutu to go along with his ballet class tights?!

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry: I’ve pointed out how nice incredibly nice Petra is in the past. Unfortunately, that was a strike against her in the paso doble. Dmitry arranged a photo shoot during rehearsal so she could practice looking fierce, but it ended up coming off as an excuse for Dmitry (and us) to sit around and look at how sexy Petra is. As for her paso doble: I thought her leaned-back posture was a little weird, and the forceful nature of the dance (like the jive two weeks ago) exposed how weak her core is. However, I also thought it was an entertaining a routine and that she ultimately did a pretty good job of capturing the character. I even enjoyed the ending where Dmitry unraveled her skirt to reveal glittery booty shorts as Petra inexplicably writhed around in a laughing heap. Still not sure if that was supposed to happen.

Ralph Macchio and Karina: This Romeo and Juliet-themed waltz was quite beautiful and my favorite dance of the evening. Ralph successfully softened his movements across the dance floor (especially his arm movements) for the first time. I also felt like I should have laughed at his sobbing in the beginning, but I was completely invested. I wonder if Romeo was irked that the producers didn’t give him this routine.

Hines Ward and Kym: It’s no secret that I love Hines and Kym as a couple. Apparently, I’m not the only one judging by the way the crowd exploded into a standing ovation at the end of his paso doble…and by the way the judges over scored him. Don’t get me wrong: I thought he danced well enough from a technical stand point, but I also caught glimpses in his face that gave me the impression that he wasn’t totally in character. It seemed to me like he was thinking about it…and kind of just wanting to get through it. Still, I love me some Hines and Kym, so I can’t be mad at their slightly inflated scores, especially since Hines has such an awesome attitude.

Chelsea Kane and Mark (pictured, right): I wondered why Mark was dressed like The Sorcerer’s Apprentice from “Fantasia”, but it turns out he had a Harry Potter-themed dance to “Hedwig’s Theme” in mind. (The spotlight across the dance floor was a great touch.)

I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I have to side with Len in his critique of Mark, the look-at-me jackass. Look, I get that he wants to incorporate modern elements into his dances. However, his job is to do the dance that is assigned to him. (In this case, it was the Viennese waltz. A few weeks ago, it was the jive.) Instead, Mark just ends up doing the style known as Whatever the Hell He Wants…with bits of proper technique tossed in to get the judges off his back. Sure it’s fun, but it’s a little annoying that he’s wasting Chelsea’s considerable talents to indulge his larks and it’s REALLY annoying that he showcases himself more often than not. End of rant #2.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl: I thought Jericho nailed the arrogant character, and I thought this dance was especially effective in the beginning. However, like Len, I would’ve liked to have seen more of an explosion or a quickening of the pace in the second half of the music (“In the Hall of the Mountain King”) escalated. Then again, that’s not really his fault, since he didn’t choreograph the dance.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: This couple is getting dangerously close to becoming a complete joke on this show...assuming they’re not there already. That’s not the worst thing in the world. I mean, this isn’t the most serious show on TV. But Kirstie can actually dance a little, so it’s a real shame that her routines have become an interpretive dance version of “A Series of Unfortunate Events.” Hopefully next week, there’ll be no injuries and Kirstie will strap her shoes on tight. Also, here’s hoping she dances better because she looked mildly tipsy last night.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you like that we got to see the couples right before they hit the dance floor? (And does Kendra always have that “Oh crap” look on her face before she dances?) Should ever week be Classical Week on “Dancing with the Stars”? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m guessing Kendra gets the boot…but Kirstie makes an appearance in under the harsh red light.)

Dancing with the Stars: Ready to Rumba

What sad, sad lives these celebrities have led.

At least that’s the impression you’d get after watching them tell their emotional, personal stories through dance — mostly rumba — in the latest episode of “Dancing with the Stars.”

Still, even with all thigh tributes to dead relatives, random dance styles and thigh injuries, the show delivered a thoroughly entertaining episode, which is why we’re all here.

And I’m assuming you’re here right now to get my thoughts on last night’s shenanigans. Here’s how the couples did, in order of appearance:

(Skipping over the demo from the DWTS Troupe.)

Wendy Williams and Tony: This just isn’t working out. Wendy danced a foxtrot to “Last Night a DJ Saved My Life” to illustrate her journey as a struggling radio personality years ago; and also because it had the word “DJ” in it. (It was a slightly more appropriate choice than Usher’s “DJ Got Us Fallin’ in Love.”) Although her technique was slightly better than last week, she continues to be a frustratingly tentative and weak presence on the dance floor. Not to get too technical on you, but she’s LAME!!!

Chelsea Kane and Mark: Chelsea wanted to convey joy by dancing the cha cha cha to “Chelsea,” a song written by…some guy she was into a few years ago. (Or something.) Chelsea continues to LOOK fantastic on the dance floor. If you’d never seen the show before last night, you’d be hard-pressed to guess who was the pro and who was the celeb. That’s why her atrocious hip action and relative stiffness during the dance was a major disappointment. At least she was able to convey joy.

Chris Irvine and Cheryl: The first tearjerker of the evening had Chris Jericho dancing under his given name and dedicating his “Let it Be” rumba to his mom because she loved dance (“Solid Gold”!) and she loved the song. While I was completely connected to the story he and Cheryl were telling, the dancing was a slight disappointment. (At least not as good as Chris has shown he can be). The rumba had a few nice moments, but his arms looked weird at times, and his hip-action was virtually non-existent.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: “When Fog Machines Attack!” This fall on Fox! I give Kendra and Louis credit for dancing the only truly sexy rumba of the night. (It IS known as “the bedroom dance.”) Kendra dedicated her rumba husband Hank Baskett — who was inexplicably dressed like Tony Manero in the front row —and once again hit her moves and poses impressively. However, the fact that she’s CLEARLY not into Louis at all took some of the heat out of the dance as far as I’m concerned. Also, her clear stumble near the beginning and a couple of messy spots should’ve kept her from getting those two 8s.

Romeo and Chelsie: Romeo dedicated his “I’ll Be There” rumba to two of his cousins who died at a young age under tragic circumstances. I thought he came out extremely strong (especially from an emotional standpoint), but eventually seemed to lose his focus halfway through and it got sloppy. I just wish he’d stop bitching about the more feminine qualities of this show during rehearsal. In week one, he didn’t want to move his hips in a suggestive way. This week, he didn’t want to wear the dance shoes with the slightly high heel. Somewhere, Master P is smiling.

Hines Ward and Kym: I was grateful for Hines’ lively samba tribute to his mom if only for the fact that it broke up an impressive streak of downbeat/depressing routines. I’m still thoroughly enjoying this couple and Hines was pretty much the only celeb to give us half-decent hip action on his Latin dance. The only problem is that I feel it was a little too early to play the Steelers gear/ Terrible Towel card.

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry: Last week, Petra looked frail, gangly and awkward. This week, she found a dance that was PERFECTLY suited to her strengths (excellent posture, long limbs and a regal air about her), so it’s not surprise that her waltz was my favorite dance of the night. (It wound up tied atop the leaderboard with Hines.) Also, has there ever been a supermodel that seems so…nice?

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna: Unless there’s a shocking turn of events, it seems like tonight’s elimination is going to come down between Wendy and Sugar Ray. Seems to me like the show seems a little bit more interested in keeping Ray around, seeing as how they allowed him to do his routine with elaborate staging/props and shelled out cash to get Michael Buffer to do his intro. (Then again, it seems like Buffer will show up at any function for a ham sandwich.) For a paso doble, it was oddly disengaging and his “passion” seemed labored. I haven’t even mentioned his bad kicks and his non-existent footwork. In fact, let’s just forget him and watch Anna TrebunSKAya (as Buffer would say) from now on. At least, it looks like Ray is trying. (Unlike Wendy.)

Kirstie Alley and Maksim (pictured, right): The shame of it is that Kirstie’s rumba was actually pretty damn good. Yes, the fact that Maks suffered a thigh injury, but recovered enough to finish the dance impressively worked out perfectly with Kirstie’s story about coming back from adversity following the death of her mother just as Kirstie was getting her big break with “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.” It’s an even bigger shame because this injury opens up about 500 more “Kirstie Alley is fat” jokes. My favorite part was, after Kirstie and Maks got their score, seeing Maks hobbling off camera with Cheryl and Tony following close behind to make sure he’s ok. These pros are clearly friends and seem to care for each other.

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Yes, Ralph dialed his aggressiveness way back from where it was last week for his rumba (dedicated to Ralph’s wife), but his forcefulness was still a bit much. Parts of the routine were lovely (as Carrie Ann argued), but too much of it seemed more like a martial arts exercise than fluid, beautiful dancing. More importantly, if I were to tell you that a married couple’s name was “Ralph and Phyllis”, is there any way you’d assume that they were under 80 years old? The fact that Ralph looked 13 in his wedding picture (what an adorable ring-bearer) didn’t exactly help matters.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Mark make a better girl than Chelsea? Why didn’t they go ahead and just make this Rumba Night? Finally, is there any way someone other than Wendy Williams goes home tonight? (Cut to Sugar Ray Leonard crossing his fingers.)