John's MTV VMA Diary

From the creator of "John's Oscar Diary" comes "John's MTV VMA Diary"! (From writing about the Oscars to writing about the VMAs...that's a pretty damn steep decline.) Anyway, here we go:

-:01 "He looks like a stale French fry...with AIDS" - my girl Erica (who's joining me via phone) on pre-show host John Norris' new blonde look. I concur and I have a feeling this isn't the last we'll hear from Erica tonight.

On a side note, why does MTV still employ John Norris? I guess they want a guy who's 20 years older than the rest of their personalities to give off that "creepy older guy" vibe to make their other VJ's look better.

:00 I heard a rumor MTV was going to be broadcasting something related to music, so I tuned in to see if it was true.

:01 The general consensus is that Britney's looking a little chunky (and it shows by how she's not moving around too much). Did she eat just before she went on stage? Also, it looks like they borrowed the set from "Chicago's" "Cell Block Tango" for her performance of "Gimme More."

:03 Britney's done. Is that it? I guess so. I guess I kinda expected a little more from Britney's "big comeback" than 2 1/2 minutes of lip synching. It was...mediocre. I mean, mediocrity is pretty much the worst she could've done. Even a train wreck of a performance would've been preferable. Where's Madonna? Maybe it's not too late to make out with her!

:06 And Sarah Silverman's doing what she does. She'll start out with a mildly funny/mean line, and eventually she crosses the line, this time by making me think of Britney Spears "hairless vagina"...and then illustrating it with her lips. Ick.

:07 And now Sarah Silverman is babbling on and on (as she tends to do) as the silence from the audience gets stonier and stonier. Now she's gone...I'll spend the next 15 seconds trying to figure out what the point of that was.

:09 Alicia Keys is out there looking like she could kick my ass with her ripped arms. Don't sleep on "The Piano Diet."

:11 She threw it over to Kanye West and Justin Timerlake and Timbaland in different parts of Vegas as the VMAs try to mix it up. Mostly I'm just trying to figure out why there's a guy in a bunny costume behind Pete Wentz of "Fall Out Boy".

:13 "Monster Single of the Year" is up, given to the song that was everywhere this year! I like the name of that award, it's better than "Biggest song of the year" or something generic like that. They should have more creative categories like that. I mean, tell me you wouldn't be tuning in for when they presented something like "Sluttiest Video of the Year."

:14 After about 18 nominees, "Umbrella" wins, to the surprise of no one and a bright pink Rihanna accepts the first award of the evening.

:15 Ok, Kanye is doing "Stronger" at his party. He wasn't introduced or anything, but I guess this is the second performance of the night. I believe this is the first time that someone who needs no introduction actually started performing with no introduction.

:16 Nevermind, they're going to commercial as he's performing. Just weird.

:21 Bill Hader and Seth Rogen, aka the best part of "Superbad" (sorry, but it's true) are hanging out at a bar/explaining the rules for Best New Artist.

:22 Carrie Underwood?! How many years of eligibility does Carrie Underwood have left as a new artist. Damn!

:23 Jennier Hudson and Robin Thicke come out to present "Quadrupule Threat of the Year." I take back what I said about liking the creatively named awards after seeing nominee Kanye West included as a "social activist." I mean, he may very well be that, but what the hell does that have to do with any videos. They're reaching.

:25 JT wins, yells out something about playing more videos on MTV and goes back to partying with the crowd. It's the leader in the clubhouse for best acceptance speech.

:27 ...and a member of Fall Out Boy (I can't tell those emo kids apart) completely fails as he tries to smash his guitar and nearly takes out a band member. Nice.

:32 Ok, now it's the Foo Fighters' turn to perform at a random party with no introduction. It's fun watching people thrash around as they "dance" to hard rock.

:33 ...and the show cuts away as it starts to get good. Thanks MTV.

:34 Oh, Kanye and 50 Cent on stage together. If you didn't know Fitty said he'd retire if Kanye outsold him on Tuesday, though I heard he's since backed out on that. Somebody must've finally told Fitty that he kinda sucks.

:35 Beyonce and Shakira beat Timberlake and Timbaland in a minor upset for "Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration" (nice title) for "Beautiful Liar". I think the Earth just shook when one of Beyonce's boobs almost fell out of her dress.

:36 And the show cuts away while a sleveless Adam Levine sings. Interesting strategy cutting off every single musical performance. (I mean, who the hell wants to hear music, right?) I wonder what the thinking behind that decision was, but let's see where they're going with this.

:38 To be honest I don't know why I'm writing about this since I hardly get to see videos anymore. The only videos I ever watch are between 8 and 8:20 a.m. on VH-1's "Jump Start" when I'm getting ready for work. Based on that experience, I'm shocked Elliot Yamin's "Wait for You" and Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" aren't sweeping this thing.

:43 Erica and I are 75 percent sure Rosario Dawson and Alicia Keys are wearing the same dress.

:44 Chris Brown is the second person (after Britney) who gets to perform on stage as opposed to at some random party. I guess you can only perform on the main stage if you're blatantly lip-synching. Still, I like that he had two little kids dancing with him and that he appeared to be paying homage to "Carnivale" at the beginning.

:46 Oh, Rihanna just jumped in and I woke up. I mean, Chris Brown is a great dancer and all, but I ALWAYS just kinda space out during his performances...he's just not that interesting to me, sorry. I'll even overlook how much I hate Chris Brown's "Cinderella" (his take on "Umbrella") which is sure to follow.

:48 Ooh, instead of singing "Cinderella" he's doing an homage to Michael Jackson. How original. (At least I didn't have to sit through "Cinderalla")

:49 My mom just called in to berate me for not liking Chris Brown.

:56 I don't know who these chicks are, but I'll assume they're from "The Hills" or something.

:57 "Male Artist of the Year" (what a conventional title!) goes to JT in another shocker. Wait, now JT is present to accept the award after being at a different party. I'm confused!

:58 My 14-year-old brother pointed out to me that the parties are probably happening at different parts of the same hotel. I feel like an idiot.

:59 Justin reiterates his plea to play more damn videos. Yay! In response, MTV orders 72 more episodes of "The Ashlee Simpson Show."

1:05 Now JT is back with Fitty somewhere different. Maybe they pre-taped some of this stuff. Ok, I'll stop trying to figure it out before I go crazy.

1:08 Shia LeBeouf comes out with the wispiest mustache of the night.

1:09 Did he seriously just announce the title of the new Indy movie. Damn, I thought he was just kidding and setting us up for a fakeout. I wish I had been paying attention! Something about a Kingdom of a Skull. Dammit!

1:10 Fergie wins, and Ludacris accepts on her behalf. Oh wait, no he doesn't, so LeBeouf accepts the award in the evening's most awkward moment.

1:11 As he performs with Kanye, Erica wonders if the big shiny metal thing T-Pain is holding is a Horcrux. Seriously, what the hell is that thing?

1:15 My sources tell me Shia LeBeouf actually said "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls" Still not 100 percent sure he's not kidding. I love me some Indiana Jones, but that's a damn long title. Also, what the hell does that even mean?!

1:18 It's the girl from "Transformers" (aka Megan Fox) who, for some reason, didn't come out with Shia LeBeouf. That would've made too much sense. At least she confirms the multiple parties are happening in the same hotel and that my know-it-all brother was right. I can let it go now.

1:19 We're treated to the musical stylings of Timbaland who's serving as "Musical Maestro" for the evening. I wonder what goofy title I can give myself. Maybe Grandmsater Scribe.

1:22 Linkin Park is giving, by far, the liveliest performance of the night. No joke or sarcasm...I'm just calling it like I see it.

1:23 E and Vinny Chase from "Entourage" show up to present "Best Group". I realize those two have real names, but I don't really care to type them. Every one knows they're "E" and "Vinny Chase." Turtle and Drama must be off somewhere else getting into a wacky adventure. Fall Out Boy won, in case you care. Seems like they're just handing out awards based on the groups instead of, you know, the videos.

1:30 Ok, I'll go to decent lengths to defend "Umbrella"...but Rihanna's "Shut up and Drive" sucks. It sounds like it should be on the soundtrack to something. Maybe "The 4ast and the 4urious." (You just know that's getting made.)

1:33 Nelly shows up with a beer in his hand (classy). I'd kinda forgotten he existed to be honest. I mean, who else that I've forgotten is gonna show up? Ja Rule, where are you?

1:34 He introduces a piano-less Alicia Keys. I'll take the next three minutes to wonder if there's anything Alicia Keys can't do.

1:36 She just gave in to her piano-withdrawal.

1:44 Yes! Gym Class Heroes' "Clothes Off"! (my myspace profile song) That song is so much fun and I wish the radio down here would play it. I love it!

1:45 Ok, Jamie Foxx appears to be making "The Kingdom" co-star really uncomfortable. It's making for pretty decent comedy. I like Jamie Foxx a LOT, but why does he feel like he needs to act like a jackass at MTV awards.

1:47 Foxx plugs "The Kingdom" for the second time in less than two minutes.

1:50 Gym Class Heroes (or as Jennifer Garner calls them, "Gym Class Fallout") wins in a shocking upset over the likes of Amy Winehouse and others for Best New Artist. Or as Jennifer Garner called it "Best New Group." Garner and Foxx considerably livened this show up.

1:51 Miss Teen South Carolina shows up to spoof her map-mishap (mismap?!). I get that she can laugh at herself, but her bit wasn't effective at all and kinda lame. Sorry. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to watching this.

1:57 Mary J. Blige (who Erica thinks is overrated) comes out to introduce a tribute to Dr. Dre. I bet you motherf---as act like you forgot about Dre.

1:58 Damn, Dre's been working out at the same gym as Timbaland. Also, nevermind on the tribute, he's just introducing "Video of the Year." So, if you're keeping score, Mary J. Blige introduced Dre so he could introduce something else.

1:59 Rihanna's "Umbrella" wins the evening's biggest prize. Yay! Somewhere, Mandy Moore is kicking a trash can over in disgust.

2:01 According to my TV guide, this thing was supposed to end after two hours (at 11 p.m.) but Diddy and Young Joc appear to be holding us hostage for a bit longer. This better be good.

2:02 By the way, "Heroes" Hayden Panettiere has shown up as some sort of guest a few times VJ and has done an infinitely better (and less creepy) job than John Norris.

2:04 Apparently, we're going to get some JT, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado. I think it's just so cute that those three are getting a little exposure for their music.

2:05 Some blonde impostor knocked out Nelly Furtado backstage and is performing in her place. (Is that John Norris?!) Actually, she doesn't look too bad.

2:06 I try in vain to find a photo of a blonde John Norris so you can SEE what I'm talking about. The Internet must have some sort of firewall against such a horrible sight.

2:07 Timbaland does a bit of "The Way I Are" (blatantly defying good grammar), while JT sings my favorite song on his CD, "Lovestoned." It's a shame that song has such a crappy video. I mean, who's the one who said using "Windows Media Player" technology would be a good idea.

2:11 I mean, that was a decent performance, but nothing I'd say was special. Weird way to close out a weird show. Thanks for reading though!