Dancing with the Stars: Bad Boys

Considering the fact that a man has won "Dancing with the Stars" the past three times (and the one time a woman won, they granted John O'Hurley a BS rematch so he could win), my expectations for the male performances on Tuesday night were a little high.

Actually, I'm pretty sure that even if my expectations were at a regular-to-low level that I still would've been disappointed with the men's showing.

So it was fitting that the evening started off with the completely mediocre-to-bad Cameron Mathison, who, my sources tell me, plays Ryan on daytime soap "All My Children". By my sources, I mean, my mom. I'd love to tell you more about him, his rehearsal footage and his fox trot, but all those things were so nondescript that all I remember was some stuff about him wearing leg braces when he was young and being REALLY busy (isn't everybody?) In fact, the most interesting thing he did was stumble on the steps as the couples were introduced at the beginning (at least I think that was him).

The pace DEFINITELY picked up when Floyd Mayweather hit the dance floor. Actually they picked up TOO much as the judges trashed him for being too aggressive and out of control (kinda true) and seeming like he was actually fighting his partner (definitely true). Still, I LOVE his potential and I think the judges were WAY too harsh on him.

On the flip side they were WAY too nice to Wayne Newton, whose cha cha was really an atrocity. I mean, it's one thing for the judges to kiss up to him in their comments, but did they have to give him a higher score than Floyd? Even though Wayne is CLEARLY the worst dancer in the entire competition, I expect him and his oversized upper body (as Erica pointed out, it's freaky how much bigger his top half is than his legs) to be around a few weeks (poor Josie Maran)

From the worst of the evening, I want to talk about the best, who was clearly race car driver Helio Castroneves. His fox trot with defending pro champion Julianne (pictured, with Helio) was the best dance of the evening, both technically and charmingly. I see no reason why he won't do well in the more upbeat dances, and he's my fave celeb among the males.

Another favorite (among the audience at least) is Albert Reed, who poked fun at his own D-listness by saying he's the least famous person in this competition (and he's kinda right). His insane "cha cha" to Elvis Presley's "A Little Less Conversation" was a crowd pleasure, though I'm 100 percent sure it had less to do with the dancing and more to do with the repeated crotch thrusts (which Bruno seemed to like) and the thoroughly waxed chest. This guy could be around for a while.

Then there's Mark Cuban, who (for some reason) I had high hopes for. I mean, he was fine, but I think he can come a little stronger than he did last night. Then again, maybe he can't, seeing as how he has a scar on his ass (which I didn't need to see) from a recent hip replacement. Still, he's insanely enthusiastic and has potential to become a better dancer. Now he needs to stop lip-synching during the entirety of his routine. That was irritating.

So which guy did you like best? I wasn't the only one that saw Edyta's white thong during her dance with Cameron, right? Is there ANY hope for Wayne Newton? Finally, is there ANY way Sabrina Bryan doesn't win this whole thing?