NFL Week 4 Picks

It took a lot less time than expected but it's here. I'm sure you've seen it. We've all seen it. But just in case you haven't, here's the rant that supplanted Denny Green's "The Bears (Are What We Thought They Were)" as the "Football Coach Meltdown of the Year. I'm not even mad that he calls a newspaper "garbage" (hey buddy, not ALL of them are) because I love the quote "Come after me! I'm a man! I'm 40!" too much. It's like he's a male version of Sally O'Malley ("I'm 40! Forty years old!").

Also, if you read the column that set coach Gundy off, you can understand why he was so upset, seeing as how the columnist basically said the reason his quarterback was failing was because he was a pussy and a momma's boy.

As far as the picks, I had an ok week (9-7 week, 30-18 overall). Here's hoping I do a little better.

GREEN BAY @ MINNESOTA (upset!)
Green Bay is red hot and Minnesota is just terrible — which is why I'm going with the Vikings to shock the Packers. Brett Favre (pictured, in one of his matchups against the Vikings) doesn't have the best track record in domes and the Pack must be feeling pretty good about themselves after hearing how great they are all week and are primed to go to sleep against the Vikings.

Green Bay's defense is very good, but that advantage won't be as big against the Vikings, because Minnesota's offense is already awful. It's like if I were racing a person with just one leg — what would be the point of me cutting off his other leg? He was already not going to do anything against me with just one leg. Also, how would I even cut someone's leg off? It seems WAY too messy (and dark). Anyway, Minnesota's offense has one leg.

OAKLAND @ MIAMI
Ugh, two pretty bad teams from the same conference. If I had a coin I'd flip it (ala Erica), but instead I'll go with the home team, and also the team that's not the Raiders.

N.Y. JETS @ BUFFALO
I've been ignoring how terrible Buffalo's been this year. Sorry about that. Also, this is another team the Jets really need to beat.

HOUSTON @ ATLANTA
Let's ask the Falcons how trading away QB Matt Schaub to Houston is working out for them because they put all their belief in Michael Vick? Actually, let's not, it must be too depressing. This week I'm back on the Texans bandwagon! Whee!

CHICAGO @ DETROIT
The Bears finally came to their senses and benched my boy Rex Grossman. The fact that they now have a QB in Brian Griese who won't turn the ball over an average of three times a game (right?) and that they NEED this game, means they can't lose. Right?

BALTIMORE @ CLEVELAND
Hey Baltimore, didn't you used to be the Cleveland Browns? (How awesome is it that I get to use that twice a year?!)

ST. LOUIS @ DALLAS
To think a few idiots actually had St. Louis winning their division. Also, yes, it's EXTREMELY painful to watch the Cowboys do so well, although I've come around on Tony Romo. I like him as a player. On a related story, I still hate T.O. A lot.

TAMPA BAY @ CAROLINA
Sure they're going on the road, and sure I'm biased, but I like the way the Bucs have looked these past two weeks. Why shouldn't they be able to keep it up against an inconsistent Carolina team that almost lost to Atlanta. Also, David Carr is starting for the Panthers, and I just can't pick a team whose QB has floppy hair and wears dainty white gloves.

SEATTLE @ SAN FRANCISCO
Although Seattle's looked pretty good the past few weeks, and Alex Smith of the 49ers still sucks, the Niners always seem to get up to play against their divisional rival.

KANSAS CITY @ SAN DIEGO
There's no way the Chargers lose to the awful Chiefs, right? Right?! Look for LT and LJ to compete to see who can get the least yards per carry and complain about it the most after the game.

PITTSBURGH @ ARIZONA
Why is Pittsburgh's schedule so easy so far? I mean, have they even come close to being challenged yet?

DENVER @ INDIANAPOLIS
I think Denver's secondary will (mostly) neutralize the Colts passing game, but I just don't like them to win in that dome. Also, I'm still mad at them for losing at home to the Jags. Blech.

PHILADELPHIA @ N.Y. GIANTS
The Eagles looked great last week in a win. Well, when I say they looked great, I mean they played really well, because they actually looked terrible. The Giants looked like a team that was handed a win last week. I'll go with the Eagles, who really should consider whipping out the throwbacks they wore against Detroit ever week. I looked at the stats and they're averaging 56.0 points per game when they wear those uniforms.

NEW ENGLAND @ CINCINNATI
I like Cincinnati to score more than 14 points against the Patriots, but I think that if I just pick New England to win every week that my percentage for this picks column won't suffer.