John's 2008 Oscar Diary

The big show is finally here!

I just drank a Gatorade (yes, product placement has made its way on to my blog), so I'll have enough energy for the marathon that will be the 80th Academy Awards.

This Oscar telecast should be particularly interesting given reports that the show's writers had only 11 days to work with. Personally, I think (or I'm hoping) that it's going to make for a faster-moving, more economic show (hopefully with a lot fewer montages) with a few surprises thrown in for good measure.

Anyway, the show's about to start — get ready for the biggest night in Hollywood as seen through the eyes of one of the biggest Puerto Ricans in south St. Pete.

0:01 After a mildly chaotic animated tribute to Oscar-winning classics like "Cars" and the new "Godzilla", the show's under way! I wish they would've sprung for graphics better than what I'd see on a Saturday morning cartoon.

0:03 Jon Stewart is coming out swinging and addressing the end of the writer's strike right off the bat. Funny stuff, and I'm as glad as anyone that it's over, but let's hope the entire evening doesn't keep coming back to strike jokes.

0:05 Stewart looks a LOT more comfortable than he did hosting the first time around, and scored a nice laugh by saying "Thank God, for teen pregnancy" when talking about this year's darker fare. Bonus points for the camera cutting to Ellen Page — who's apparently now the poster child for teen pregnancy — after this comment.

0:06 Javier Bardem has arrived ladies and gentlemen — he scored the coveted seat next to Jack Nicholson in the front row.

0:11 Stewart killed in his opening monologue — he mixed in the political humor that is his wheelhouse with solid Hollywood stuff. My favorite was his joke about stripper-turned-writer Diablo Cody taking a pay cut. Also, two words — Gaydolf Titler.

0:12 The first Shoulda-Been Oscar Nominee of the evening, Jennifer Garner, presents Best Costume Design to "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" — and I'm 1 for 1 on my Oscar picks. I consider quitting while I'm perfect in my picks for the evening, but I decide to press on for my dedicated readers — both of them.

0:13 I turned around to readjust my recliner and the "Elizabeth" costume designer was done with her speech. I'm sure she's a nice lady, but I'm glad she realized no one really wants to hear her say anything more than "thank you". Also, where are the Supporting acting awards? Those are usually first.

0:17 Does anyone current actor look more natural in a tuxedo than George Clooney? Let me know if you think of anyone. Unfortunately, he got stuck presenting the first montage of the evening. It's an Oscar tribute to — the Oscars! (Ugh.)

0:21 Erica and I sat through pretty much the entire red carpet show and we agree that pretty much no one looks better than Anne Hathaway tonight. She's joined by my boy Steve Carell, to present Documen, nope Best Animated Feature in a funny bit where he made the subject matter of the nominated flicks seem harrowing. Their easy chemistry bodes well for this summer's "Get Smart."

0:24 My favorite movie of the year wins "Best Animated Feature". "Ratatouille" director started off strong, giving a nice speech about how anyone who wants to make movies is discouraged at first, but things got away from him and he ended up rambling.

0:26 All of a sudden an orangey and incredibly nervous Katherine Heigl is out there to present Best Makeup. Whoever applied her makeup tonight won't be winning since she looks like she's having an allergic reaction in her cheeks and forehead. "La Vie en Rose" wins, bringing me to 3 for 3.

0:29 Kudos to Jon Stewart for incorporating a pitch pipe into his intro to Amy Adams performing the evening's first nominated ditty, "Happy Working Song." I wonder why she decided this would be the one song from "Enchanted" (out of three) that she wanted to sing.

0:31 Amy Adams does a nice job, and I love it when actors actually sing the nominated song instead of having someone else do it for them. It was slightly better than what Jon Stewart started singing. Still, as my girl Erica astutely asked, "Where were all the animals?"

0:37 If I would've told you 8 years ago that The Rock would be presenting at the Oscars one day, you would've said, "what is "The Rock?"

0:39 He gives Best Visual Effects to "The Golden Compass" — I had "Transformers" — who are as surprised by their victory as I am. Those guys are psyched and I like that!

0:40 Again, I'm not exactly sure what Art Direction is, but somehow it fits that Cate Blanchett would be presenting it. She's so arty. "Sweeney Todd" wins, and, since I had "There Will Be Blood", I find myself mired in a nasty two-award losing streak. I enjoyed watching the winners march to the stage while the ominous "Sweeney" music played.

0:44 We're being treated to a genuinely cool montage of past Best Supporting Actor winners. Good stuff, and I'm sure Cuba Gooding Jr. is enjoying watching the moment 10 years ago when his life peaked.

0:45 Everyone who said we would never see Jennifer Hudson again after "Dreamgirls" is proven dead wrong, as she comes out to give Javier Bardem his Oscar, I mean, to present "Best Supporting Actor."

0:48 Javier gets bilingual on us, thanking the "No Country" cast and crew, and thanking his family in Spanish, and dedicating his award to Spain. Curiously, he actually spoke faster in English than he did in Spanish (usually people speaking in Spanish do so at 100MPH.)

0:49 Nice job by the Oscars letting only a little less than an hour go by before presenting an award people at home actually care about.

0:53 Yes! The show is totally with me in my hatred of montages by presenting very stirring tributes to binoculars and periscopes, as well as people waking from bad dreams.

0:55 So Keri Russell is "the star of 'August Rush'"? Take THAT "Waitress"! You thought you'd been dissed before. She presents the one nominated song I've never heard of, "Raise it Up". Though it promises to be gospellbinding, I still say it took the slot that should've gone to "Pop Goes My Heart" from "Music and Lyrics."

0:58 That may have been the largest collection of black people we're likely to see at the Oscars for the next few years, so I hope you enjoyed that.

0:59 Is this the first time I've seen Owen Wilson in public since, you know, the suicide attempt? I think so. He's out to present Best Live Action Short Film. I closed my eyes, threw a dart and picked "At Night".

1:00 And the winning director of Le Mozart de Pickpockets" has considerably worse seats than Javier Bardem. He tried to speak English, quit and then ran off — kinda like Javier Bardem, when you think about it.

1:02 Even though it was released in theatres more than four months ago, we're still sitting through annoying plugs for "Bee Movie." When will it end?! Barry B. Benson (voiced by Jerry Seinfeld) presents Best Animated Short film to "Peter and the Wolf."

1:04 Here comes "Best Supporting Actress (I've got Cate Blanchett)." For those of you scoring at home (oh wait, only I'm doing that), that's more than two hours, and two awards that people care about. At this pace, "Best Picture" should be handed out around 3:30 a.m.

1:06 Damn! Tilda Swinton takes a commanding list for Worst Dressed (and Worst Styled and Worst Everything). Who thought it would be a good idea to make her look like Eric Stoltz?

1:08 I've been a fan of Eric Stoltz since "Mask", and he was very good in everything from "Pulp Fiction" to "The Butterfly Effect." It's good to see him finally pick up an Oscar.

1:10 Seriously though, she started off kinda rough by saying she was giving her statue to her agent (blech), but she finished strong with touching tributes to director Tony Gilroy and co-star George Clooney and his nippled Bat suit. And we also have our first mini-surprise of the ceremony.

1:14 The announcer guy introduces the "always-fantastic Jessica Alba." Clearly, Mr. Announcer Guy has yet to see Jessica Alba in any of her movies.

1:15 Nice restraint by Jon Stewart, waiting more than an hour to make the obligatory "Jack Nicholson is a horny old man joke."

1:17 Josh Brolin and James McAvoy — presenting Best Adapted Screenplay — do a funny bit where they recite famous lines from adapted screenplays to each other. Josh also makes another Jack-centric joke. The floodgates are officially open. (Also, Erica discovers another handsome guy in Josh Brolin she's interested in checking out.)

1:19 The Coen Bros. win and give an entertainingly awkward acceptance speech. Also, I'm a huge fan, but I freely admit that I have no idea which is Joel and which is Ethan. Either way, expect to see them again before the evening is out.

1:20 Why does the president of whatever academy is putting on the show have to come out there? I mean they HAVE to know that no one cares about them, right? Mental nap time!

1:23 I didn't see it, but Erica tells me that Miley Cyrus almost tripped as she came out to introduce Kristin Chenoweth's rendition of "That's How You Know". I'm sorry I missed it. I don't have anything against Miley — I just generally enjoy watching people almost fall.

1:24 Yes, it's that Jamaican guy that was in "Enchanted!" I like to think of him as the human version of Sebastian from "The Little Mermaid." Chenoweth's singing is obviously good, but a little too Broadway-y for my taste.

1:26 Again, Chenoweth's singing was technically good (can you tell I don't want a bunch of angry Broadway fans to get on my case?), but that performance had little-to-zero of the joy that sequence had in the movie. Sorry.

1:27 "It kinda sucked"- Erica. Obviously, she's not as scared of a bunch of Broadway geeks coming after her as I am.

1:32 Hot comics of the moment Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill are doing a very funny bit about who's more Halle Berry and who's more Judi Dench. And now, here's Sound Editing! (Personally, I agree with Jonah — I'm getting more of a Halle vibe from him.)

1:34 I wonder which hot comics of the moment will get to present at the Oscars next year. Any thoughts? Anyway, "The Bourne Ultimatum" sound editors completely choked during their speech. Kinda sad I mean — will those two ever get a chance like this again?

1:37 Apparently, all of the sound in "The Bourne Ultimatum" was impeccable as it also wins Sound Mixing.

1:39 Out of nowhere, here comes Best Actress! Personally, I think this is a pretty major award that probably should not be thrown in right after Sound Mixing, but I'm just glad I have a reason to really pay attention for a minute.

1:43 Another victory that is somewhat of a surprise as Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress over the favored Julie Christie. She's caught completely by surprise by her victory (which is cute), and I like her Benigni-lite "I'm not so good with English" enthusiasm. Seriously though, when is an American actor going to step up and win something? USA! USA!

1:48 As soon as Colin Farrell was introduced, I figured he'd be introducing "Falling Slowly" from "Once". You know, because of the Irish thing. Slightly predictable, but I'll give them credit for at least not having a black person (Keri Russell) introduce the "August Rush" performance.

1:50 I'm loving the tattered guitar Glen Hansard is rocking for this lovely performance. Also, I love that, although their on a huge stage backed by an orchestra, it still felt intimate.

1:52 "His guitar looks fucked up —like it got hit by Hurricane Katrina"- Erica. (I'm telling you, she's the real talent here, I just take her out to dinner every once in a while.)

1:54 Also, Jack Nicholson can even make an introduction of 80 years worth of Best Picture winners sound slightly creepy. That takes true talent right there. Meanwhile, the Oscars are hitting for a decent average with all their montages tonight, as I'm enjoying this look at all these brilliant films (and silently trying to figure out how many I own).

1:58 Renee Zellwegger — I'm still waiting for her to open her squinty eyes — comes out to give Best Editing to "The Bourne Ultimatum." I loved the "Bourne Ultimatum" and the Academy seems to agree that it was very well made, so why can't it get serious consideration for "Best Picture" or "Best Director". You think about that, Academy!

2:01 Wearing a chandelier around her neck, Nicole Kidman comes out to pay tribute to Honorary Oscar recipient and production designer Robert Boyle. If she's there, why did they only show her picture when Jon Stewart was giving out a baby earlier?

2:03 In his narration, Boyle says "a lot of people don't know what a production designer does." I don't feel so bad about not knowing anymore. Also, by the time his tribute is over, I STILL don't know what the hell he does. Still, if I ever make it to 98 years old, I hope I'm half as coherent as he is.

2:12 Penelope Cruz is out there — she's pretty ethnic and speaks with an accent so it must be time for "Best Foreign Film." Austria's "The Counterfeiters" wins. And, to be honest, this is probably the last time I (and probably you, if you stop kidding yourself) will think about this film.

2:15 Mrs. Announcer Woman just introduced "the versatile and handsome" Patrick Dempsey. Did I miss something? When did he become versatile? I was pretty sure all he's able to do is be handsome. (Sorry, I couldn't let an evening go by without taking, at least, a veiled shot at "Grey's Anatomy.")

2:17 After two minutes of debating, Erica finally convinces me that it is NOT Amy Adams in there dancing, but some double. She also dubs this the "boy band song" in the movie and that it is going to be huge at proms this spring. As usual, she's exactly right on both accounts.

2:19 After hearing all the nominated songs, I take back what I said about "Raise it Up" — it was a worthy nominee. Instead, I'd sub in "Pop Goes My Heart" for either "So Close" or "Happy Working Song." I liked "Enchanted", but it didn't need to have three songs nominated. I really hope "Falling Slowly" wins!

2:20 YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! – John and Erica. I like to think of this as an extension of the storyline in the movie. Guy and Girl eventually write an Oscar-winning song and deliver a charmingly humble acceptance speech.

2:22 Too bad! Marketa Irglova was about to say something but she got cut off by her own music. Jon Stewart makes a great remark about how "arrogant" Glen Hansard is. I'll just say it right now — Stewart is easily doing the best hosting job in the past decade.

2:27 Stewart just cemented himself in my mind as the best Oscar host of my lifetime (sorry Billy Crystal) after bringing out Irglova and giving her a chance to say what she wanted. All together now: AWWWWWWWW.

2:30 Cameron Diaz struggles through the word cinematography (but makes light of it) and gives Roger Elswit and "There Will Be Blood" the film's first award of the evening.

2:32 Hilary Swank introduces the In Memoriam segment. Heath Ledger HAS to be the overwhelming favorite to receive the most applause and the coveted award for "Dead Celebrity We Apparently Miss the Most."

2:35 I think Ledger got the most applause (it could've been director Ingmar Bergman). Still, Ledger definite had the benefit of the music crescendoing as his clip came up. Also, where the hell was Brad Renfro?!

2:39 Amy Adams throws "Atonement" a freaking bone, I mean, presents the film with Best Original Score.

2:43 I wonder if the soldiers in Iraq who are introducing the nominees for Best Documentary Short Subject are able to watch themselves introducing Best Documentary Short Subject right now. Also, did they feel shafted by getting such a lame category?

2:47 I asked it yesterday during my picks, and I'll ask it again right now — does the Academy dare put Michael Moore on its stage in an election year — and when so many nominees are examinations of the war in Iraq — after booing him for being critical of Bush? (I guess not, as "Taxi to the Dark Side" takes the prize.)

2:54 Looks like somebody just woke up Harrison Ford to present Best Original Screenplay. Anyway, he thankfully looks a lot livelier in the trailer for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull", so I'll allow you to geek out over that. You're welcome.

2:55 Mostly, I just like being able to write the phrase, "Oscar winner Diablo Cody". I also like that, even though she was a heavy favorite to win, she's still genuinely surprised and touched. Awww, emotion! She got choked up towards the end of her speech.

3:00 We're at the three-hour mark, so it's time for the Daniel Day Lewis Award, aka Best Actor in a Leading Role. Can his upcoming speech possibly be as good as his Heath Ledger tribute at the SAGs?

3:02 No matter what Helen Mirren is doing, she's always performing the hell out of it.

3:04 Lewis has a little kiss for Clooney on his way to the stage. Erica just pointed out that it was by far the most poetic speech of the evening (or any other evening really). He was obviously delighted that he won, but completely in control the entire time.

3:10 I can see the light at the end of the tunnel that is this telecast as they're about to hand out the award for Best Director from Oscar winner Martin Scorcese (how good is it to finally be able to say that?) I've got the Coens, but would have absolutely no problem with P.T. Anderson taking the prize home.

3:13 Ok, apparently Ethan is the shorter, more awkward (and funnier?) one. Actually, that's not true, they're both pretty funny. I have a feeling they shouldn't go too far since the award for "Best Picture" is coming up.

3:16 A curiously bald Denzel Washington (the same way Jack Nicholson was curiously bald last year) gives Best Picture to "No Country". The Coens come back out from backstage, but let a bald man talk instead (my sources tell me he's super producer Scott Rudin). I approve of this choice.

3:17 I also approve of this ceremony, which, if memory serves, actually clocked in shorter than the Grammys a few weeks ago. The nominated movie that I thought was the best won Best Picture, and Jon Stewart was a terrific host. Very good times tonight, I'd say.

Hope you had as much fun reading about me watching the show, as I had watching the show. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me the entire time and I owe you a hug. If you quit around the two-hour mark, then scrolled to the end, thanks for reading ANYTHING that I write anyway — but you get no hug. Good night.