America's Next Top Recap: Model Students

Like an "American Idol" contestant who mentions they have the flu before a performance to serve as a built-in excuse, I'm going to let you guys know that this won't be my strongest work. At this point, I feel as bad as the patient in an episode of "House" who's crashing after House and his team foolishly believe they've solved the case only 28 minutes in.

It's a shame too because I've made no secret out of the fact that the America's Next Top Recap" is my favorite to write.

This is true even in hectic premieres like last night where we're introduced to 35 girls in a whirlwind, following a montage of the show's greatest hits (people were literally being hit in a few instances) and I'm trying to decide who I shouldn't really get attached to.

The girls arrived at America's Next Top Model Prep School, where Ms. J was a little too into his schtick as a professor and there was only one class (Runway Walking 101). Apparently the sexy school girl thing never gets old (I guess we like a little light pedophilia) as this was an improvement over last year's cruise ship conceit.

After taking their student ID photos, the girls went to a bonfire where I eagerly anticipated crazy Tyra's entrance. So why the hell was I surprised when she popped up after Mr. Jay said he was going to introduce the homecoming queen? I thought one of the girls was going to be announced as the student ID challenge winner. So I was expecting Tyra and she (and her in-character goofiness) STILL got me. Well played, Banks.

Let's get to the contestants. According to my notes Amy is a freak, but in a good way. This means two things: she would've been entertaining in the house (if she'd made it), and secondly, I'm still taking notes while watching ANTM (sigh).

Also, as soon as awkward Lauren described herself as an artsy girl who kept being told that she should model, I knew she was in. I can already see her week 6 or 7 elimination because she just doesn't have the desire.

The two girls who dominated the episode's screen time were Fatima (pictured, left) and Marvita. Fatima practically went through an entire Top Model journey in a single episode. I thought the Somalia native came off as slightly uppity when she was criticizing fellow hopefuls Shaya (Muhammad Ali's daughter, who annoying referred herself in the third person) and Shalynda (in her 8th time trying out) for being ghetto. Of course, Shalynda went on to prove her point by trying to pick a fight. Later, Fatima (the most exotic looking constant, so I see her going out in week 8) revealed she'd been a victim of female circumcision when she was 7 and that she's sort of a perfectionist when it comes to photo shoots. Other than that, we didn't learn anything about her.

Meanwhile, Marvita back after just missing the cut last year, inadvertently insulted two people. When former contestants were pretending to be cheerleaders, she said "there's Furonda, Jael, the twins, and that one girl" (poor Joanie). She also insensitively asked Fatima if she felt like less of a woman (though it's possible she was actually trying to help here, but with lack of tact). She also casually mentioned her therapy sessions and she described herself as a stray dog. But what you really want to know are my girl Erica's thoughts, right?

"I think Marvita is ugly" – Erica. (well then)

"I just don't like her" – Me.

Other than that, we got glimpses at some possible contenders, as well as other girls who don't have a chance.

Though I thought the judges should've picked plus-sized Latina Jennifer, they went with Whitney, who I didn't even think was plus sized. Still, she takes a damn good photo, seems strong mentally, and has me ALMOST ready to talk myself into thinking she might be the plus size model to win this damn thing.

I also liked Stacey Ann and her ridiculous lap-dance "doo-doo-doo" music. At this point, she seems too cutesy to be high fashion.

On the other hand, the judges made a point of making a 14th slot for Dominique, the second most exotic-looking contestant, so Tyra must see a lot of potential in her. I'm making her my ridiculously early pick to win it all. I also liked Katarzyna, who is kinda like Natasha from a few years back, if Natasha were a Cornell grad. Finally, Allison seems to have potential, as long as they don't let her do her own makeup as she did in the evening's final photo shoot by making them too cry-y.

Other than that, not too many people made an impression. As always, it should be an interesting season, and I'm getting ready to know the rest of the girls. Whoever the hell they are.

So what'd you think of this episode? Did you like Saleisha's "Cover Girl" commercial (yes! No more Jaslene!) Who's your early favorite? Did someone get cut who you think should've made it. Finally, how the hell do I make this head and stomachache and sore throat go away?