John's 2008 MTV Movie Awards Diary

From the guy who brought you "John's Grammy Diary" and "John's 2008 Oscar Diary" comes the logical next step in prestigious awards-show diaries — "John's 2008 MTV Movie Awards Diary!"

(needle scratching on record sound)

Honestly though, despite the fact that the MTV Movie Awards have lost a bit of their edge over the years (ok, a lot of their edge), it's still an entertaining show, with its non-traditional categories and movie parodies. Hopefully, we'll have a good show on our hands tonight.

With no Erica by my side tonight (she's with her family for the weekend), I have no one to bounce my sarcastic remarks off of tonight. So I apologize in advance for all the comments that are sure to fall flat because I didn't have Erica's eye rolls to let me know they were completely idiotic.

Either way, let me reach for some guava pineapple juice and let's get on with the show.

-0:02 Sorry, I just peeked at the pre-show by accident and Brendan Frasier was acting like a maniac screaming over Sarah Jessica Parker and trying to promote his two movies. I like the guy, but I kinda wish somebody had a taser just then.

0:01 I can't think of any movie in recent years looking more aggressively unfunny than "The Love Guru" — hopefully host Mike Myers dumps the whole guru thing for this show. Ok, he's dressed in a suit, so it's already a promising start.

0:03 I like that Myers and the writers took a shot at bad awards show monologues before busting out with a — dance party! Very delightfully out of left field and Myers held his own. Makes me wish all over again that he made more than one non-Shrek movie every five years or so (as long as that movie's not "The Love Guru").

0:05 The cast of "Hancock" comes out to present "Best Female Performance", and I have to say, Jason Bateman's "Han-Cock" audience participation joke snuck up on me. Well done. Also, is there any way Ellen Page doesn't win this?

0:07 No, there isn't. She's giving a nice, heartfelt speech, but I can mostly only concentrate on the fact that she has to tiptoe to reach the mike.

0:09 Ok, so we ARE still doing "No Country for Old Men" jokes. (By the way, can you think of a more unlikely movie to inspire so much comedic material? Get back to me on that one.)

0:14 Will Ferrell and "rising comedy star" Danny McBride come out to present "Best Fight". I haven't seen "The Foot Fist Way", but I hope this guy's really funny, given the push he's getting (roles in "Pineapple Express" and "Tropic Thunder"). Their overlong bit on fighting illiteracy is not very encouraging.

0:17 This category cracks me up. Where else is "Never Back Down" going to get a nomination for anything? I also loved the unintended comedy in "Alien vs. Predator: Requiem" being nominated for "Aliens vs. Predators."

0:18 Ok, this isn't a real awards show, so I'm not going to get too riled up, but how the f--- did "The Bourne Ultimatum" not win this category? On the other hand, now "Never Back Down" has a win to go with the nomination I never thought it would get. Honestly, I'd completely forgotten this movie even existed until a minute ago.

0:20 I'm convinced the only way they could get Edward Norton to take part in this ridiculous show was to let him introduce Coldplay and let him retain some artistic cred. At least he's a good sport when he screws up the "Cold- play" thing with Liv Tyler at the end of their intro.

0:24 I like the new Coldplay song, but can't take my eyes off the red confetti/rose pedal thing stuck to Chris Martin's forehead for 60 percent of his performance. (Have you noticed that I'm very easily distracted yet?)

0:29 I LOVE the cut to "Superbad"s Jonah Hill in the audience when Seth Rogen and James Franco are introduced with a "that used to be me up there — damn you, Franco" look on his face. They're out there to introduce what may be this show's most ridiculous category to date — "Best Summer Movie So Far." I'm not liking "Speed Racer"s chances. (Then again, I didn't like "Never Back Down"s chances.)

0:31 "Iron Man" wins as expected and Robert Downey Jr. and a trim Jon Favreau accept. The lovefest for this crew continues. Good times.

0:37 I wonder if Usher is tired of doing that same dance routine from "Love in this Club" yet. It's in the video, and I've recently seen him do it on "SNL", "Dancing with the Stars" and now an MTV commercial. I bet he'd do it at your birthday party if you asked him.

0:40 Myers just got done with a bizarre, mostly unfunny routine as some sort of nutritionist to the stars. Maybe it's just me, but I just want the straightforward movie parodies that usually feature Andy Dick and/or Jimmy Fallon. I guess Andy Dick and Jimmy Fallon are busy doing, um, nevermind.

0:41 Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Hudson's breasts come out to present "Best Male Performance."

0:42 Will Smith wins for "I Am Legend" and Matt Damon punches a wall somewhere because of the ongoing disrespect "The Bourne Ultimatum" is getting from this show.

0:48 Now a reunion with Dana Carvey for a "Wayne's World" skit — THAT'S more like it. It almost doesn't matter what they do, I'm probably going to dig it. Fortunately, they're funny anyway. (Then again, I enjoy good porno puns more than the average person.) "Alvin IN the Chipmunks" is wrong in the best possible way.

0:53 Don't ask me why, but the trio of Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway and Dwayne Johnson just completely works for me. Somebody in the audience threw out a "that's what she said" just for good measure. They're there to present "Best Comedic Performance."

0:57 This category instantly lost credibility by nominating Adam Sandler for "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," which some respected experts called the worst movie of last year.

0:58 Whoa, Johnny Depp is there to pick up his award! People go crazy for his "surprise" appearance for the second year in a row! (Except for Chris Brown and Rihanna, who look totally unimpressed.) Seriously though, it's really good to see him there and delivering one of his charmingly awkward acceptance speeches. I love how he just sort of wanders on stage, picks up the bucket of popcorn and goes home. I'm looking forward to his surprise appearance next year.

1:00 Probably not a good sign that the "Dirty Mouth" short film featuring Verne Troyer and the MTV Movie Award winding up in a men's room is funnier than any non-"Wayne's World" related material Mike Myers has come up with.

1:02 The crowd goes considerably less crazy for Tom Cruise than they did for Johnny Depp as Cruise comes out to present Adam Sandler with the "MTV Generation Award." He does a nice job of delivering a scripted intro of Sandler's legendary film oeuvre.

1:04 By the way, in what universe did you think Tom Cruise would be presenting Adam Sandler with any sort of award? Ladies and gentlemen, the MTV Movie Awards!

1:05 I like that Sandler's gone back to his mid-90's comedic songs roots. And he's spoofing "Nobody Does it Better" from "The Spy Who Loved Me," keeping with the evening's movie-related festivities.

1:07 You just knew Rob Schneider would be involved somehow. He brought Kevin James along with him, giving me another unfortunate "Chuck and Larry" flashback.

1:16 This "Tropic Thunder" bit is ABSOLUTELY delivering the goods. Hopefully Stiller, Black and Iron Man, I mean, Downey Jr. have just as much chemistry in their movie as they do in real life.

1:18 And now Robert Downey Jr. is hitting Jack Black in the balls with a hammer. Still, is Karl (Stiller's "nephew") stealing the show here? (I'm leaning towards "yes.")

1:19 P. Diddy, Lindsay Lohan and Verne Troyer walk into a bar — oh no wait, they're out here to present "Best Breakthrough Performance." This award has "McLovin" written all over it.

1:21 I just made the fatal mistake of underestimating Zac Efron's gigantic fan base. Also, I think I just saw Verne Troyer creep under Lindsay Lohan's dress on his way to congratulate the winner.

1:28 Brendan Frasier is back on my TV to present the award for "Best Villain" and his voice appears to be mostly gone from screaming like a lunatic earlier. I mean, I'd guess I'd be pretty excited if I were him and nobody had seen me in two years.

1:29 Not a shocker that Johnny Depp wins again. He comes out from the private area he has set up backstage (apparently he has some phobia of sitting in the audience like everyone else). Once again, no one really listens to what he says during his "speech" and is mostly drowned out by screaming girls.

1:31 The cast of "The House Bunny" (will this finally be the movie with the talented Anna Faris in a big role in that won't be awful?) comes out to introduce "The Pussycat Dolls." I can think of no better time to grab a snack.

1:34 Ok, I'm back, and surprised to find the Dolls sound shockingly not-awful. And by "the Dolls", I mean Nicole Scherzinger, who's still doing all the singing. However, they look exactly as skanky as I thought they would.

1:40 I guess Will Ferrell was wearing too much clothing earlier, so Rainn Wilson felt the need to pick up the slack, appearing naked except for a bouquet of flowers. He and Megan Fox are there to present "Best Kiss."

1:43 So "The Bourne Ultimatum" continues to be shut out, but "Never Back Down" and now "Step Up 2 the Streets" have awards. Ladies and gentlemen, the MTV Movie Awards (at least the winners now-customary kiss delivered).

1:45 Mike Myers is appearing in another mostly unfunny bit, this time as an animal trainer. Jon Favreau and Elijah Wood (he always shows up unexpectedly) are scoring most of the laughs. Still, as uncomfortable as it was, this was better than the nutritionist bit from earlier in the show.

1:52 The cast of "Tropic Thunder" comes out to present the night's biggest award — "Best Movie." More good stuff, playing up Robert Downey Jr.'s recent massive success ("forged in a cauldron of his own genius) and Stiller pretending to be jealous (what are you, like 1 for 76?).

1:53 Did RDJ shave since earlier in the show when "Iron Man" won a prize?

1:56 "Transformers" wins "Best Movie" (ladies and gentlemen, the MTV Movie Awards) and Michael Bay even manages to sneak in a VERY early plug for "Transformers 2." Awesome.

1:57 Despite some questionable results due to fan balloting and Mike Myers' hosting being sort of a letdown after his opening, the "Wayne's World" reunion and the stuff with the "Tropic Thunder" cast was gold. Also, I can't fully trash any awards show that ends in under two hours. B- Thanks for reading!