American Idol: Music City Misery

I simply do not share Steven Tyler’s enthusiasm and opinion about the next “American Idol” coming from the Nashville auditions.

Of course, pretty much any episode was going to be letdown after Wednesday night’s emotional, controversial saga — which also happened to showcase some fantastic singing — but last night’s installment would’ve been boring if it had followed a test pattern. (On the bright side, I was able to get a lot of laundry folded!)

Whenever I feel like an episode of “American Idol” (or any other show I recap) wasted our time, I try to write shorter recaps because I don’t want to waste YOUR time. As a result, here are my scattered thoughts on Thursday night’s episode.


- The first tuneless audition of the night really set the awful tone for the evening. Everything about it was terrible. The sound of that dental assistant’s voice. The fact that she referred to “I Hope You Dance” as “I Hope You Can Dance.” Her face. Her comprehension skills. (Somehow Steven Tyler’s “No”, translated as a “Yes” for her.) Oh well, at least there’s a prospective voice-acting career on the horizon.

- In fact, the clown ratio was alarmingly high last night, especially when you consider this was only a one-hour edition.

Let’s just knock them all out in one miserable paragraph. Cheers to you likable tattoo guy who reminded me of a fat, short Undertaker, pageant girl in the blue dress (please stop singing even as you exit the audition room) and ?.

- Actually, I didn’t think ?’s voice was terrible.

- Lauren Alaina was a perfect microcosm for the judges overselling the Nashville auditions. The fact that she’s 15 years old and has such a strong voice is impressive (as was her take on “Like We Never Loved at All”, but I just wasn’t flipping for her as much as all the judges. That being said, it must’ve been super cool for her parents to have their daughter and Steven Tyler semi-duet on “their song,” “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.”

- Even Lauren’s end-of-episode/manipulative sob story wasn’t up to par. Her COUSIN had a brain tumor. After last night, you gotta come stronger than that, “Idol”!

- Conversely, I didn’t think Miss Teen U.S.A. Stormi Henley (singing “Father Can You Hear Me”) was as egregiously bad as J. Lo made her out to be. I guess that just makes me a drooling, dopey guy like Steven and Randy.

- Also, I’m NOTHING like Randy Jackson!

- How about some of the people I DID like? Adrienne Beasley — the black farm girl from Kentucky with white adoptive parents — immediately stands out, but she’s also got the strong voice to back it up. (At least based on “American Honey.”) Plus, can’t you just see Adrienne’s parents sitting in the audience once the viewer-voting portion starts?

- I remember Jackie Wilson being really good, but unfortunately I was so distracted by the fact that the old guy was her boyfriend (and NOT her dad) that I completely forgot what she sang. All I know is that it was good. Also, ick.

- Matt Dillard (the overall-sporting guy who sang some Josh Groban) seems like a likable dude, but there’s a pretty great chance he’ll be swallowed up in Hollywood.

- My favorites of the evening were Rob Bolin (“What’s Going On”) and Chelsee Oaks (“The Story”). Predictably they were slightly better together, but still really good apart. (He’s like a better Lee DeWyze. She’s like a good Lacey Brown.) I’m already looking forward to that moment in the Hollywood round when the judges tell them there’s only room in the top 20 for one of them. Is there any way this doesn’t happen?

- Rob and Chelsee (pictured) have on-stage/musical chemistry that is off the charts. If I were New Boyfriend, I’d be worried.

So what’d you think of this (lackluster) episode? If I said the name “Stormi Henley” to you before last night, would you have thought “Miss Teen U.S.A. or porn star? Finally, did the next “American Idol” really just pop up on our TV in Nashville?