Jersey Shore: Block Party

Out of all the words that get bleeped out —and don’t get bleeped out — on “Jersey Shore,” it was fascinating to learn that the absolute worst thing you can call someone is an “Angelina.”

I’m probably going to keep this season 3 finale recap short because — like every “Jersey Shore” season toward the end — I’m pretty much completely out of gas.

Fittingly, this season finale was filled with goodbyes. The cast said goodbye to each other, Seaside Heights and their sham of a job on at the “Shore Store.” (Ronnie became the latest cast member to sleep through his last shift for good measure…and Danny the boss responded by pouring a bottle of water on him.) On top of that, Ronnie and Sammi said finally said goodbye to their toxic relationship…at least until the group reconvenes in Italy for season 4.

Despite the fact that they’re the worst employees in the world, Danny threw a going away party for the crew. Although some recurring characters showed up — hi, Uncle Nino, who just might really be a pimp…and he’s got the cane to prove it — but I was mostly disappointed that Pauly’s stalker Danielle didn’t put in an appearance. I’m also mildly shocked that no one suffered any piñata-related injuries.

Everyone was allowed to bring guests to their party, and the main conflict came from Vinny’s desire to hook up with Deena’s friend Lisa. Deena strongly objected and said it was because she knows that Snooki has feelings for Vinny so she didn’t want to allow one of her friends to hook up with him. Vinny got annoyed, threw out the word cock blocker about 15 times and compared her to Angelina.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Deena as upset as she was when she got called “Angelina.” (Um, hello?!) I’d be offended to. Putting the fact that Snooki likes Vinny aside, why was it so difficult to understand that maybe Deena just didn’t want Vinny hooking up with her best friend? One upside of this season coming to a close is that Vinny’s descent into total douche territory goes into hiatus for a few months. (Come on, Vin! You’re supposed to be “the normal one.”)

J-Woww had considerably better luck in the relationship department. She and Roger had a borderline adorable conversation in which they agreed to become exclusive with each other. (Boyfriend/Girlfriend!) Things got considerably less adorable when Roger tried to call in sick to work and J-Woww kept yelling in the background, but Roger’s now dating a millionaire, so I’m sure he got over it.

Of course, like much of “Jersey Shore” these past two years, it was all about Ronnie and Sammi.

The episode picked up where last week left off: with Arvin on the phone and informing Ronnie that he’d made out with Sammi one time.

Sammi, as she did with the texting, went into “deny, deny, deny” mode before she finally admitted that she and Arvin HAD made out about two years ago when she was 21. Again, this is NOT a big deal and she did nothing wrong! I don’t understand why she felt she had to lie about this in the first place. I’m guessing by this point complete and utter mistrust has become second nature for these two, and they now lie to each other out of habit.

Things didn’t get better when Sammi was hanging out with some male friends (the nerve!) while Ronnie was scowling and hovering in a corner.

It all culminated in one epic, final fight that left Sammi yelling to Ronnie that “My biggest regret in my life is you!” Ronnie, meanwhile, was reduced to a puddle of tears as he tearfully ran outside with help from The Situation. The reaction shots from all the individuals and couples in the house to Ronnie and Sammi’s fighting were priceless. I’m not even sure if they were actually reacting to the fighting or if it was creative editing, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

It was Sitch, in fact, who rightly pointed out that this final Ronnie/Sammi fight was pretty much summed up by the final poop one of J-Woww’s dogs (was it “Juicebox”?) took on the carpet.

All the spectacular, depressing fighting Ronnie and Sammi did was the equivalent of them pooping on season 2 and 3.

Even after all that, Sammi seemed willing to get back together. So it was up to Ronnie to finally declare that the relationship was over. And he did after some back and forth. At least until Italy. (Ugh!)

And so every cast member packed their stuff and headed home. But not before Snooki told us her presidential platform. So if you want house music bumping from ever car stereo and a universally pale U.S. populace, you know what to do in 2012.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you ever work in a flower shop? (Get those tu-lips over here! [Cringe!]) Did anyone else think that Danny hated Rush, the Canadian band, when Ronnie wore that Rush T-shirt to annoy him? Finally, if you could have Ron or Sam back, which would you pick? (Like Snooki, I’d go with Ron for the unintentional comedy…but don’t tell Sam I said that.)

Jersey Shore: Lord of the Earrings

“You’ve changed, bro.”

Once again, Pauly D had the line of the night with a succinct, throwaway comment. The gravely hilarious way he delivered this line to Vinny — who was acting as if he’d overdosed on douche pills after getting his ears pierced earlier in the episode — made it even funnier. It MUST have been the earrings. They surely had the same corrupting effect The One Ring had in Tolkien's saga.

Yes, fellow “Jersey Shore” watchers. We’re almost at the end of another season. I don’t blame you if you didn’t realize this because the show — and the last two seasons, in particular — has mostly played like a shapeless blob of drinking, fist-pumping and Ronnie and Sammi arguing.

The way we could tell that the season is almost over was because the cast — especially “I Just Want to Make T-Shirts” Deena and Rip Van Situation — couldn’t even muster up the energy to pretend like they cared about their jobs. In fact, The Situation even managed to get (mock) fired by Boss Danny, which is impressive when you consider that the Shore Store job is a total sham.

With the season wrapping up, we got to hang out with a few recurring characters. In addition to Boss Danny, Danielle the Stalker popped up to once again stalk Pauly D’s life. I don’t know about anyone else, but the only thing that could make Danielle’s appearances more enjoyable is if they played that sound you hear in movies whenever the killer pops up in a horror movie. As for characters I hope become recurring…I wouldn’t mind seeing the older “atomic bomb” (wouldn’t she be an H-bomb?) who was fearlessly throwing herself at Vinny and Pauly.

Watching Vinny act like such a drunken putz was especially disappointing because he’d shared a sweet meal with Snooki earlier on. During that meal, Snooki confessionalized that she was falling for Vinny, while Vinny expressed that he too had plenty of love for Snooki.

All this time, my position on the seemingly one-sided back and forth between Vinny and Snooki was simply that he’s just not into her. Now, I’m thinking that he’s possibly into her, but (as he said) he sees her every day and a hookup amongst roommates can be extremely messy. (A painful lesson we’ve learned from You Know Who.) Of course, Vinny might be more willing to acknowledge his feelings for Snooki if she were more traditionally attractive, but right now I’m willing to accept that he genuinely cares for her…

…if only she looked more like the girl Vinny brought home from the club. Unfortunately, he was once again thwarted by a potential sex partner’s relative when her brother showed up and things got irreversibly awkward. Drunk Vinny tried to jokingly drag Snooki into bed, but (in a moment of stunning clarity) she declared that she’s nobody’s last resort. (Never mind that Snooki has seriously done to Vinny — drunkenly tried to hook up with her as a back up plan — what Vinny only jokingly did to Snook.)

After more shenanigans — I LOVED the Super Mario Bros. shout-out after the guys saw Deena’s “Denim, denim, denim” outfit — the show circled back to where it inevitably winds up: Ronnie and Sammi.

Only this time, we got a firm push from The Situation/Instigation/Snitchuation

Sammi and Ronnie seemed to be on their way to getting back together after Sammi apologized for texting Arvin after she went home, and Ronnie accepted. (I’m assuming “Pass the mustard” meant that he accepted the apology.) Unfortunately, Ronnie’s mom (who I’m assuming doesn’t have an awesome mustache like his dad) drunk dialed the house. The phone was passed from Deena (“I LOVE YOU!”) to J-Woww to The Situation, who was more than happy to chat with Ronnie’s mom about politics, how difficult stand-up comedy is, and the Arvin situation.

When Sammi and Ronnie (who appeared to have some solid night vision sex the day before) came back, Sammi was irate with Mike for stirring the pot. Ronnie would’ve been angry too, but he was too busy being “brainwashed” (in J-Woww’s accurate words) by Mike and the guys. At one point, Ronnie actually said that Mike wasn’t trying to instigate drama he was just trying to act like a good friend. (Forehead slap!)

Eventually, The Situation and Sammi got into their own argument (where Mike hilariously told her, “You are the worst argument person ever”…it’s true!) and ended with Mike calling Arvin and asking him if he’d ever hooked up with Sammi.

Ronnie got on the phone, and Arvin admitted that he and Sammi had made out once. This sent Ronnie into a rage and…we’ll see what happens next week in the season finale.

This is obviously a silly show, but the double standard continues to be astounding. I’m no Sammi fan, and lying about her texts to Arvin was wrong, but SENDING the text wasn’t out of bounds at all because they were broken up. On top of that, he apologized. On the other hand, Ronnie has never truly admitted what he did in Miami, and when he “apologizes” it’s in extremely vague terms. Even worse, the sickening rampage he went on a few weeks ago is still pretty inexcusable and doesn’t put Sammi and Ronnie anywhere near “even” as the rest of the guys were claiming.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why was Pauly D to eager to get rid of the girl he brought home? (I didn’t think she was unattractive at all…until she said, “I’d rather f--- Mike anyway.”) Is there a worse possible competitor for a rap battle than Sammi? (As Mike pointed out, she just says the same things over and over again AND she gets insulted really easily.) Finally, will someone please tell The Situation that there’s no such thing as The Law of Intelligence?!

Jersey Shore: Roger Dodger

The latest episode of “Jersey Shore” definitively answered one of pop culture’s most burning questions from this young century:

We finally learned, “Who let the dogs out?” It was The Situation!

I HATE to admit this because I share Pauly D’s thoughts on the Ronnie/Sammi saga (“If this relationship continues, I will kill myself”), but — after a couple of blah weeks — last night’s episode was thoroughly entertaining.

I’m guessing it wasn’t a coincidence that the Ronnie/Sammi drama was back in full force. (Get your popcorn ready!)

Before all that, we were treated to a lonely Situation’s shenanigans. With Vinny and Pauly D away on a road trip to see Vinny’s family in Staten Island (which ***SPOILER ALERT*** turned out to be an actual island) and Ronnie and the ladies GTL’ing, the Situation was stuck at home with J-Woww’s dogs, which he nicknamed Lean Cuisine and Juicebox for reasons known only to him.

The Situation did what any reasonable person would do: he made it look like the dogs had escaped their enclosure on their own, fed them pizza and peanut butter and laughed hysterically as they peed on the carpet and pooed way too close to his roommates’ property.

I was hoping that we were done with poop in this house after the plumbers unclogged the toilet last week. Instead — as J-Woww would later describe the latest Ronnie/Sammi fight — it was “same s---, different toilet.”

Mike tried to pretend that he was asleep and that the dogs had gotten out on their own, but Det. Snooki and Det. Deena smelled The Situation’s cologne on one of the dogs. BUSTED! I mean, there was also the fact that Mike was the only person in the house at the time, but I don’t want to steal the thunder away from Det. Snooki’s keen sense of smell.

While returning home from a separate GTL’ing (I hate myself for using that as a verb) session, J-Woww spotted her boyfriend(?) Roger’s car and tried to get his attention by honking her horn and pulling up next to him. Roger sped away, and Ronnie and Pauly D started busting J-Woww’s chops and telling her that they’d seen another girl in the car.

J-Woww did what any reasonable person would do: she called Roger from the duck phone and when he didn’t answer, she broke up with him because there couldn’t possibly be any reasonable explanation for his actions. Except that there was — turns out he was speeding from the gym to the barber shop so he could make his appointment on time (which also explained why he didn’t answer his phone…he was getting a haircut). On a personal note, if someone in a black SUV started frantically honking at me while I was driving, I’m not going to pull off to the side of the road, roll down my window and talk to them.

I loved how J-Woww’s roommates immediately switched gears and tried to comfort her by telling her that they were sure Roger hadn’t done anything wrong. Unfortunately, they told her this AFTER she made her idiotic phone call. (They were like, “Oops, this s--- just got real.) Sure, busting J-Woww’s chops was a little cold, but it’s pretty much all her fault for being stupid enough to believe them. I also didn’t care for her half-hearted apology to Roger, even though it was probably weak because she was so embarrassed.

Finally, we have the return of the Ronnie/Sammi saga.

Early in the episode, the couple had made out while they were clubbing and as America collectively yelled, “NOOOOOO!!!” Fortunately, the two sat down and had an actual mature conversation about that in which they stated they loved each other, but Sammi reasonably expressed that she was scared of what would happen if they got back together. (That makes ALL of us, Sammi) They agreed to keep being best friends (yay, water balloon wars!) until they were eventually healthy enough to continue as a couple (boo!!!)

Unfortunately, everything went to hell during a later trip to Karma.

The Situation saw a friend of his named Arvin, who claimed that Sammi had texted him the previous week and asked him to meet him there. Since the cast can’t have cell phones in the Seaside Heights house, it was deduced that Sammi had sent these texts when she had gone home after her gigantic, tearful blowup with Ronnie. Arvin also had the texts on his phone to prove it. (I’m assuming the incriminating texts had Sammi’s phone number on it, and weren’t just texts from someone named “Sammi.”)

The Situation wanted to let his “friend” Ronnie know, so he claimed that he was going through the proper channels when he told J-Woww (and eventually Pauly, Vinny, Snooki and Deena). And I’m sure that’s part of it. The other, bigger part is that the guy loves to stir up trouble.

Sammi was confronted and yelled out over and over again that Arvin was just a friend. (They didn’t seem like pals to me…more like a potential “buddy.”) Sammi saved most of her poison for The Situation for once again stirring up trouble.

Of course, the best part about this scenario is that when Sammi got busted doing something semi-shady, she ended up doing what Ronnie did so effectively…she attempted to deflect attention from her own misdeeds by shooting (hanging, stabbing, electrocuting) the messenger. In Ronnie’s case, he trashed “The Letter” authors Snooki and J-Woww. Sammi went after The Situation. I loved when she desperately tried to get (silent partner) J-Woww to back her up.

Of course, the real kicker is that Sammi didn’t do anything wrong! So what if she texted Arvin and asked him to meet her at Karma so that they could bang each other’s brains out? Sammi and Ronnie were broken up, so she’s free to text whoever she wants.

So stop lying about it!

So what’d you think of this episode? What kind of name is “Arvin”? (Not quite Alvin…not quite Marvin.) Was anyone else slightly disappointing that Vinny and Pauly didn’t actually make popcorn as they sat down to watch Ronnie and Sammi fight? Finally, what the hell kind of animal is a penguin anyway? Is it a mammal? (Of course not. It’s a bird. EVERYONE knows this. Except for Ronnie and Sammi.)

Jersey Shore: Toilet Humor

Last night saw the return of a wretched character that seems to have haunted “Jersey Shore” and dominated the narrative for the better part of this season.

That disgusting toilet!

It feels like that toilet has been clogged for six months, but last night the cast finally decided to get proactive (after an ill-fated attempt led by Ronnie) and called a plumber to vanquish that appalling beast. Well, they called Danny the Landlord/Boss, and HE called a plumber, but still…

Two brave souls appeared —Snooki was crushing on one of them, naturally — and unclogged the drain. Turns out one of the guys had tried to flush a wife-beater down the toilet. Not one of the guys would cop to flushing the shirt (I believe Ronnie had the phrase “Deny, Deny, Deny” copyrighted in Miami), but the girls seemed to think it was Vinny, since the shirt is apparently the same style he favors. Me? I think Vinny was framed! Oh wait, no I don’t because I don’t really care about the toilet, and now I’m happy that we don’t have to talk about it anymore.

Oh yeah, Sam’s back in the house too (and Deena was “hecstatic” to see her), which is where last night’s episode picked up. Ronnie initially reacted as awkwardly as you’d expect from someone who just saw their ex for the first time (and someone who’s an idiot). Sammi told him he looked pale (zing) and he responded that it was because he’d just seen a ghost and awkwardly laughed. No one else laughed with him.

The group went to the most aptly-named club in the world (Karma) to celebrate Sammi’s return. Sammi was trying to do her single lady thing, but Ronnie kept following her around like a lost puppy, according to Snooki. (And according to the video evidence.)

To be honest, I didn’t even remember was Sammi was like on her own and separate from being one hellacious half of the Ronnie/Sammie Magical Misery Tour. It turns out she’s kind of cool. She firmly rebuffed Ronnie’s advances and instead focused her energy on helping Snooki deal with her “heartbreak.”

I’m not going to spend too much time on this because I’ve covered this before. It’s very simple: Vinny is just NOT into Snooki. (Well, except for that one time that “Moby Dick” was IN Snooki.) Of course, it would help if he stopped saying things like “I love you” (though it’s obviously in a playful/friendly way), but Snooki appears to be the only person who can’t see that Vinny just doesn’t have any feelings for her in “that” way.

I have a feeling that deep down Snooki knows this too and that the fact that she was pretty drop-dead drunk is mostly what led her to bust into Vinny’s room while he was “getting it in” with a Dominican girl. (Pauly, in an adjacent bed, didn’t seem perturbed by the barge-in. Meanwhile, Ronnie scooped her out before things got worse.) I’m guessing the drunkenness is also what led to Snooki’s subsequent crying. In fact, Snooki was pretty much playing the role of Sammi in this episode by cocooning herself in her bed.

Snooki perked up when her and the rest of Team Sober (Ronnie and Sammi) decided to revenge-prank The Situation after his taxi gag last week. They seemingly took every cheese in the house and spread it underneath his pillow.

When Mike returned with his 21 year old (he’d creepily made her show him some ID at the club) that night, he smelled the cheese and kicked her out of the house. J-Woww and the rest of the cast convinced him that the girl had an STD and the final few minutes of the episode because a sort of weird, not-at-all effective sex-ed PSA.

So what’d you think of this episode? What will J-Woww pee behind next? Was there any chance at all that Deena was going to be a decent driver? (Pauly spilled all the coffee he wasn’t drinking!) Is there any way Snooki came up with that “Moby Dick” line on her own? Finally, are you FULLY gay? (Awesome!)

Jersey Shore: Dining with Myself

“Hi, Sam.”

With that casual greeting, Pauly D casually welcomed Sammi (Not So) Sweetheart back into the “Jersey Shore” house.

(My reaction as she walked in was a LOT closer to this.)

Even though we’re smack dab in the middle of the lull that seems to hit the second half of every “Jersey Shore” season — maybe each season should only have five or six episodes — I am NOT excited about the prospect of more Sammi and Ronnie drama.

I mean, did you see them in this episode? Sammi looked healthy and happy at home with her mom and her potential badass of a sister. For his part, Ronnie seemed to be getting back to the jolly self we all forgot existed because he had morphed into a monster after a pep talk from his dad(‘s terrific mustache). Ronnie was actually smiling and laughing in the few seconds right before Sammi walked through the door!

But enough about them. I’m sure I’ll have enough time to talk about them next week when they’re depressing relationship dominates the proceedings again.

Last night was mostly about that not-so-merry prankster The Situation and that diminutive playa Snooki.

The episode opened the morning after Snooki hooked up with what-his-name. Apparently, Gianni was less than effective in the pleasure department. I half expected Snooki to be wearing a shirt that said “I Hooked Up With Gianni Last Nigh, And All I Got Was A Sore Vagina.”

Either way, the rest of the guys started giving Snooki a hard time for bringing a guy home (double standard!), but Snooki was more interested in finding a quality cuddle partner, so she called Nick, who is friends with Roger, J-Woww’s kinda-boyfriend. If you thought that previous sentence was confusing, fasten your seat belts. Nick had previously hooked up with Snooki, but he stood her up on their latest date because it turns out that he’s friends with Gianni. On top of that, Gianni is apparently cousins with Jeff, yet another guy that Snooki hooked up with.

(DISCLAIMER: It’s entirely possible that I confused some names or how some of these guys actually related to each other in the previous paragraph, but you get the picture: Snooki needs to expand her horizons.)

Maybe she could’ve met a quality guy in Times Square.

To get back at Snooki and Deena for putting marshmallows all over the house (and for annoying him while he was on the phone), The Situation arranged for a cab to drive them all the way to Times Square, instead of Jenkinson’s. Now, in my opinion, THIS is a prank, and much better than Vinny hanging Snooki’s stuffed Crocodilly over the balcony. Pauly D agreed, and so did Vinny. I actually thought Vinny might rat The Situation out after The Situation blew Vinny’s (lame) gag last week, but thankfully he’s no snitch and went along with it.

Once the girls realized they had no idea where they were going, they understandably freaked out, but after that I can’t really explain their reaction to you. They seemed like they were really upset. Then they got really drunk anyway. Then they started laughing and partying. But then they were angry again. As Mike said, their behavior defied the Law of Intelligence. (Who wants to be the one to tell Sitch that that’s not a thing?) Also, why were the girls so upset? They got a free ride into New York City…and they started it!

The fact that the girls were so pissed off at him didn’t seem to faze The Situation because he was still hurting over being abandoned by his boys when they went out for dinner.

Now with creative editing, it’s impossible to say how long the guys were actually waiting around for Mike to get ready after he said he’d be down in a few minutes. If you’re to believe the episode, The Situation was up there for five hours. (Personally, I think it was closer to 25 minutes.) Either way, Vinny, Pauly and Ronnie ditched them to eat at a restaurant that served enough food to feed anyone who has ever appeared on the “Jersey Shore.” Pauly called himself a gluttonous piece of s--- afterwards. (Hey, he used the word “gluttonous” correctly…he IS the smart one!)

The Situation, meanwhile, was left to eat on his own. Apparently, he was too depressed to drive after his boys left him — he’d been there for Ronnie, and he’d bought Pauly that awesome toy bike — so J-Woww took him. I have to say, the episode’s MVP was probably whichever one of Jenni’s dogs barked and bit at Mike when he was being an impatient passenger seat driver.

Watching Mike eat dinner with himself and pretend to have a conversation with his friends was fascinating, sad, funny at times, and more than a little tragic. In other words, it perfectly encapsulated why I watch this show.

So what’d you think of this episode? Where and what IS Jenkinson’s? (I’m not from that part of the country, so I have no clue.) What do these people have to do for Danny to fire them from their "job"? Finally, why can't Snooki see that Vinny isn't really being a gentleman by not hooking up with her? (He's just not that into her.)

Jersey Shore: Crocodilly Tears

Silly me.

When Sammi mercifully left the “Jersey Shore” house at the end of last week’s dramatic/traumatic episode, I foolishly thought she’d be, you know, gone from the show! Even though I’d seen that online promo that revealed she’d eventually return, I thought her recent departure would at least mean that she’d miss an episode or two.

Nope!

Even though she was gone from Seaside Heights, we got a brief scene of her back home and getting support from her mom, who appears to be a thoroughly decent human being (it’s easy to forget those exist if you watch this show for too long). She even had a voice cameo when she and Ronnie had an awkward phone conversation that would make fans of the British “Office” cringe.

Speaking of cringing, that’s what I imagine a lot of people at home were doing due to all the clogged toilets, soiled underwear, constipation and Situational antics featured in this snoozer of an episode, which was the inevitable calm letdown following last week’s thunderous storm. For example, one of the episode’s big, dramatic scenes came when J-Woww and the girls cleaned some of Sammi’s stuff out of her room while Ronnie was at work, followed by Ronnie coming home and…asking where Sammi’s stuff had gone! For some reason, the girls lied and…nothing really came of it! (Dun-Dun, DUNNNN!!!)

In the immediate aftermath of Sammi’s departure, Ronnie was a mess. (Who’s surprised?!) He cried in the bathroom at work (as Snooki impatiently waited for the toilet.) He sent flowers (and chocolate and a balloon and a teddy bear) to Sam as a peace offering. Perhaps worst of all, he got unsolicited advice from Snooki — who accurately told him that he and Sammi did NOT belong together…Ronnie predictably blew her of — and The Situation. Even Ronnie knows that getting relationship advice from The Situation is like learning how to fly a plane from a sailor. I’d say it’s more like getting ballroom dancing advice from The Situation.

Although it’s pretty much impossible for me to feel bad for Ronnie at this point, I did like seeing him somewhat come to Deena’s rescue when she started tearfully, drunkenly melting down about the fact that no one in the house seemed to like her. From the moment she arrived, Deena fit in almost a little too well with the “Shore” house’s freewheeling vibe, so it was interesting to see that she DOES feel a bit of insecurity and pressure about joining a group of people who were already “stars.” Meanwhile, Ronnie seemed to be thinking, “I can’t lose another cast member damnit!” and talked Deena off the ledge. Deena went on to refer to him as a brother — the rageful, abusive brother we all wish we had — which made us almost forget that her main storyline this week was tied to her constipation.

As for The/Dr./Chef/Bang-Your-Gir/Friar Situation: he was back to the full-on creeper mode he demonstrated toward the end of last season. First, he appeared to literally snatch up Pauly D’s ex as Pauly was talking to her, and began dry humping her. Later, as Vinny was hooking up with the girl he brought home, The Situation barged into the room and weirdly force-fed Vinny a pickle and a bite of his burger. This was a MUCH creepier barge-in than Vinny and company coming into Snooki’s room while she was trying to hook up with whats-his-name, the guy who had been an accessory to a cock block a few weeks before. (Come on, Snooki…even I remember that Bernard’s name was Gianni…or something.)

I haven’t even mentioned the part where The Situation ruined Vinny’s prank. Snooki and Deena had started a prank war against VP by smashing some cake into Vinny’s face. Vinny tried to retaliate by putting puppy poop in her pillow, but Deena — actually using her miniscule size to her advantage — was hiding under the bed and put the poop back in Vinny’s bed. That led to Vinny and Pauly kidnapping Snooki’s beloved stuffed crocodile (creatively named Crocodilly) and hanging him off the balcony. As Snooki was desperately searching for him, The Situation told her that he’d seen somebody hang him over the side of the balcony.

Vinny was understandably annoyed and dubbed him “The Snitchuation”, but I’m with Mike…that prank was kind of lame.

So what’d you think of this episode? Who DID that nasty pair of underwear belong to? Do we believe Deena and J-Woww when they said it wasn’t either of them? (At least Pauly got some good one-liners in. He claimed they didn’t belong to Snooki because there was no bronzer on them and they weren’t his because his underwear are red.) Finally, is there anyone out there actually looking forward to Sammi’s return next week?

Jersey Shore: Walking on Broken Glasses

It’s a general rule of thumb that pretty much nothing Ronnie says make sense.

Well, that incoherent was taken to a new, scary level last night in what was undoubtedly the most intense, depressing, exhilarating episode in the history of “Jersey Shore.”

There were so many twist and turns last night (me feeling bad for Sammi and wishing she would stay?!) and Ronnie’s mind-boggling, Xenadrine-fueled declarations didn’t help.

My top 3 “Huh!” Ronnie-to-Sammi quotes (in descending order):

3. As their ugly fight reached its climax, Ronnie inexplicably yelled at Sammi, “How many times did you cook for me?! None, you useless spoiled bitch!” (Come on, Sammi! How hard is it to whip up a protein shake for your man? Step your game up!)

2. “Be a woman and man up!”

1. “You disrespected me in front of my face.” (Actually, this one might secretly be genius, and I may end up using it.)

And these are just the direct quotes!

During Ronnie’s depressing and prolonged assault on humanity last night, his rationale for his past actions wasn’t exactly sound. For example, according to him, The Situation is a bad guy for violating guy code by “bringing up Miami” and half-heartedly confirming that the facts in “the letter” were true. However, Ronnie is completely blameless for the actions that inspired the letter and Sammi’s mistrust in the first place! Now, I’ve referred to Mike as The Instigation in this very space and he is a confirmed pot-stirrer, but even he was smart enough that Ronnie was just looking to fight someone last night and quickly backed off.

Then there’s Ronnie instant-classic contention that when he was all over other women in Miami it was ok because he did it behind Sammi’s back. Meanwhile, Sammi’s a horrible person because she dared do it to his face. (Never mind that they were officially broken up, and that he’d told her half an hour before he dumped her that he was going to find someone to smush at Aztec.)

I mean, did the common sense part of his brain break or did it never work in the first place?

Ronnie was seriously scary last night and watching him trash Sammi’s belongings (not the glasses…I liked those!) made me wonder what exactly has to happen for the producers to step in. (Then again, Sammi clocked Ronnie in the face without any repercussions.) It’s clear that the rest of the cast is scared of this outta-control gorilla juicehead, but SOMEBODY has to stand up to him.

I said earlier that I wished Sammi would stay…but I’m not sad that she’s gone. It was OBVIOUS that one of them had to go. Obviously, I wish Ronnie would’ve gotten kicked out (as The Situation said, he violated “human code!”) and Sammi could stay (Revenge Sammi was fun!), but I understand why she left.

That doesn’t mean I’m completely letting her off the hook. She’s still a weak, annoying drip — Sammi, can’t you see that Ron doesn’t want to talk right now?! Maybe stop bugging him and leave him alone for a while, like yelling “I hate you, leave me alone!” as you follow him around the house — but nobody deserves to get treated that way. (You can tell Ronnie knew he screwed up because he called her “Samantha.”)

I also don’t feel bad in light of reports that she’ll be back at some point. (She’s basically choosing to come back to her own personal hell.) Who knows…maybe Ronnie will be somewhere else by the time she comes back. (But probably not.)

All the drama understandably overshadowed what was actually a pretty funny outing of “Jersey Shore.”

I can’t decide what my favorite moment was. I don’t think it was Snooki making fun of the waiter with the tight pants and male camel toe. (She missed out on making yet another reference to Vinny’s penis.)

I think it might’ve been Sammi seeing Ronnie hanging around with Pauly D early in the episode and apparently thinking that Ronnie was with a woman. (Poor Pauly D.)

Was it Snooki, Deena and Sammi surfing down the staircase on Sammi’s mattress or Snooki and Deena trying to move the bed downstairs? Close, but no.

It was definitely the fact that, when J-Woww came out in her do-me bondage outfit, Snooki looked more turned on than Roger.

So what’d you think of this episode? How could Ronnie and Sammy argue so much when Pauly D’s sneakers were dirty?! Did you feel bad for Sammi? Is Ronnie the worst person in this cast or the worst person ever?

Jersey Shore: Everybody Hearts Pauly D

I can’t believe I’m about to say/type this, but last night’s episode of “Jersey Shore” made me feel bad for Sammi.

(If you recall, I’m the guy’s who has repeatedly said things like “Sammi is the worst” and who has considered titling more than one of these recaps, “Dear God, Seriously Is There Anyone Worse Than Sammi?!?!”)

After Sammi’s WAY too short reconciliation with the rest of the “Shore” cast (why did I let myself feel like the good vibes would last), Ronnie and Sammi were up to their old tricks again after Ronnie tried to consume all the alcohol in Seaside Heights. Back at the house, Ronnie vomited into a bag, while Sammi threatened to vomit at the sight of his vomit, and I couldn’t help but wonder what a fun, disgusting chain they could’ve created.

Ronnie wasn’t feeling well the next morning. In fact, he informed Sammi that he was bleeding when he went to the bathroom. (Geez, can we go back to the vomiting.) This lead to a rectal exam (with Ronnie making the predictable, “Gee, Doc, could you buy me a drink first?” jokes) that was completely overshadowed by the random, amusing and completely unnecessary shots of Sammi in the waiting room. I was mostly shocked that she wasn’t straightening her hair while she was waiting. (Cut to The Situation yelling, “It’s already straight!”)

Later, Ronnie picked a fight with Sammi because Ron and the guys had been stuck with cleaning duties. Yes, Sammi is soul-suckingly needy and can be relentlessly annoying, but watching Ronnie emotionally bully her throughout the rest of the episode was absolutely no fun. If I had to guess, I’d say that, in his mind, he was done with Sammi last week (before everyone else talked her into staying) and has been subconsciously picking fights since then to get her to go.

The problem is that, based on what we saw last night, Sammi is the one of the two who is attempting to grow from the experience — participating in a field trip to a sex shop where J-Woww seemed embarrassed by how much hotter she looked in her outfit than Deena and Snooki = growth on this show — while Ronnie is the one acting like a little kid. (Don’t think I didn’t notice that Ronnie was the one who was stuck in bed this episode, not Sammi.)

Most importantly, I feel like they’re actually done this time. Then again, I also believed that one of these days Lucy wouldn’t pull the football away, so what do I know?

Perhaps I’m just HOPING they’re done so that I can stop dedicating half of my recaps to these two. This is especially true when there are other, more fun things to talk about: namely, Pauly D.

How charismatic is Pauly D? Last night, he was able to win over Danielle, the girl who was “stalking his life,” just so he could humiliate her all over again. And somehow we (and everyone else in the house) still love the guy. Pauly and Vinny are probably sitting around thinking of ways to get each other to say the word “stalk” (or “stork”) right now!

I haven’t even mentioned the fact that Snooki, Deena, maybe J-Woww and perhaps even Vinny (in dreams) want to make out with him. (Snooki wins because she also wants his sperm.) Or how about the brilliant bit where Snooki’s temporary man of her dreams Jeff called the house and Pauly pretended to be an answering machine with dim Jeff actually leaving a message. (Don’t forget to send the roses and fried pickles.)

Oh Snooki. I really thought Jeff could be The One. The way you two fell on the floor laughing after he fell off the wobbly stripper pole. Unfortunately that union was ultimately thwarted, not by Snooki’s period (this episode brought to you by “Ick”), but by the fact that Jeff had been promise-ringed (not engaged) to someone else. That means he’s damaged goods. (Sure, there’s a chance that he may also be traumatized by his time in the Army, but Snooki was more put off by the promise ring thing.)

At least we learned that all the salt in the ocean comes from whale sperm.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Deena only hook up guys whose names start with the letter “D”? (Dean, Dario, Duh Situation.) Did Deena ruin “Willy Wonka” for you by giving up her “golden ticket”? Didn’t Snooki vow to stop — or at least cut down on — her drinking? (Cut to her passed out drunk in the doggie area.) Finally, what other things should Danny throw at the cast to get them to “work”?

Jersey Shore: Punch. Drunks. Love

Just when I thought she was out, they pulled her back in.

Last night, the epic Ronnie- Sammi saga came to a head.

Again.

The difference was this time it actually looked like Sammi was going to leave the “Jersey Shore” house after her latest, most physical blowout with Ronnie.

(My working theory on why Sammi REALLY wound up staying in Seaside: Sammi called her mom to come get her, but even Mrs. “Sweetheart” didn’t want to deal with her, so Sammi figured she’d stay put.)

Apparently that giant house with the dinky rooms in Seaside Heights has a powerful allure because earlier in the episode we’d heard J-Woww describe it as her true home (following the Tom fiasco) and her fellow cast mates as her family. Fortunately for her, she eventually found her way “home” after momentarily locking herself in the house she shared with Tom.

But even I’m tired of picking on Sammi, especially when you consider the major source of her paranoia (besides alcohol) is Ronnie shattering her sense of trust in Miami.

It all started with Ronnie asking a girl to get crunk in the club. Sammi predictably called him out on it, but Ronnie said the girl was someone named Mike’s girlfriend, who had a baby. He even offered to have her show Sammi her C-section! (Thankfully, Sammi passed.)

Back at the house, the two started fighting in the bedroom (Sammi’s natural habitat), before Ronnie finally exploded with frustration at Sammi’s paranoia. Sammi had a peace offering, but everyone knows that if you want to make up with Ronnie, you don’t bring him a slice of pizza…you bring him a protein shake! That led to more yelling and fighting and Ronnie telling Sammi that she’d have to write him an entire book of apologies. (Pauly’s face during the profanity-laced tirade was priceless.)

J-Woww tried to console Ronnie, which is interesting given all the horrible things Ronnie has said to her face and about her in confessionals. That’s when Ronnie finally broke down, and all the Xenadrine in the world couldn’t stop the cascade of tears. J-Woww related to him by telling him that they both had guilt over their dealings with Sammi, but she reassured him that he’s a good guy. (Me: “He is?!”)

As things were calming down, The Instigation/The Situation informed Sammi that Ronnie was outside talking to J-Woww, and we finally found out what could possibly compel Sammi to get out of bed. She basically flipped out on Ronnie for talking to her sworn enemy, announced was leaving and punched him in the face. Hard. (Even more solid contact than she landed on J-Woww earlier this year.)

What came next was curious. The rest of the cast mates pleaded for Sammi to stay. Why? Everyone else in the house can obviously see how toxic the Sammi-Ronnie dynamic is and, despite Sammi making amends recently, she isn’t exactly on great terms with anyone there. Unlike Angelina, I think they can see that Sammi is a truly messed up and confused girl right now, and they didn’t want to abandon her on that note. (Last week, I talked about the unavoidable kinship these people must have with each other.)

In the end, Sammi apologized to Ronnie and agreed to stay…as The Situation creepily looked on from the next bed over. (I’m surprised he wasn’t eating a sandwich.) Even though the couple has made up for now, and even though Sammi and J-Woww reached a tentative cease-fire agreement, I still can’t help but feel like she should’ve left. Where do Sammi and Ronnie go from here? They either get back together (ugh!) or Ronnie goes back to being single while Sammi glares and pouts (double ugh!)

Those weren’t the only questions surrounding last night’s episode. The biggest mystery was probably, what the hell were Deena and The Situation talking about toward the end of the episode? Apparently, Dean the Ronnie clone had let slip that Deena was into [bleeping] his [bleep]. As soon as it was clear they didn’t mean the obvious [bleeping] his [bleep] the whole thing devolved into an elaborate and perverted guessing game for the viewers at home. (I think this whole sequence was purposefully made to be confusing. Seriously, we re-wound the scene at the gym three times to try to figure out what the hell they were saying.)

Thank goodness for those asterisks that revealed that Dean had allegedly told people that Deena wanted to l*** his a******. (Please don’t make me explain it further.)

Other than that, the episode offered the same revelry we’ve come to expect. Grenades were dodged. (And the grenade horn made its debut.) Birthday girl Ryder visited to hang out with Snooki, but wound up mostly partying with Snooki 2.0 (Deena). Vinny once again proved to be “the Smart One”…but not really. (He may not know the Montagues, but does anyone else in that house know who the Capulets are. Bonus points for the Bjork swan dress reference.)

So what’d you think of this episode? What was the best addition to the house — J-Woww’s dogs “Snooki” and “Ryder” or the wobbly stripper pole? (Wobbly stripper pole, for the win!) Am I the only one who didn’t think the “grenade” who inspired the “grenade horn” wasn’t that bad looking? Who goes to the club with her uncle? Finally, will Sammi make it to the end of the season?

Jersey Shore: Roger That!

For the second week in a row, “Jersey Shore” pulled a slight bait and switch on us. (How tricky of you, “Jersey Shore”!)

Last week’s episode probably should’ve been about Sammi finally declaring a cease fire on Snooki, Deena and the rest of the house/world…except for J-Woww. Instead, it ended up being the Snooki Happy Drunky Fall-Down Hour.

This week’s episode looked like it was going to be “Intervention: Jersey Shore” with Snooki coming out of jail and vowing to stop drinking after her father ripped her a new one and threatened to take her home.

Not only did Mr. Polizzi not follow through on his threat (was anyone else curious to see how tall he was?), and not only did Snooki — in a shocking twist! — already start finding ways to break her vow (if Pinot is good enough for pregnant women, it’s good enough for Snooki), but the episode actually ended up being all about J-Woww.

More specifically, the episode focused on her inevitable breakup with Whiny Tom (his official name) and her reconciliation with Roger (That), who quickly endeared himself to the rest of the cast by bringing juiceheads for Deena (who was underwhelmed) and Snooki (who was so whelmed she s--- her pants.)

To be fair, it’s completely possible that Tom has gotten a bad rap on the show. I tried to call him this morning to get his take on things, but he started bitching about why I didn’t call him last night, so I hung up on him. Then I remembered that he’s not a member of the cast, so I don’t really care whether he’s getting a bad rap or not.

After calling Snooki’s dad following her arrest (hopefully, she’s washed all the sand out of her inner-boob), J-Woww tried to call Tom for some comfort, but once Tom found out that Snooki had been arrested “today”, he started wondering why J-Woww didn’t call him last nig…whoops, we just hung up on him. He tried to call back, but J-Woww was having none of it.

Later in the episode, he tried to re-endear himself by calling and asking if his girlfriend was there or if he was talking to bitch with the bad attitude (oh Tom). Unbeknownst to Tom, the worse he acted, the better Roger looked in J-Woww’s eyes, especially since turned out that he did NOT have a girlfriend after all (probably) and that J-Woww’s friend confused him with someone else in the previous episode. My favorite part about the scene where J-Woww broke up with Tom over the phone was that the rest of the cast started off by making jokes (“Roger that!”), but by the time J-Woww hung up and walked away crying, they’d stopped in order to support and comfort their friend. I was also impressed by a scene earlier where Pauly D (who is fantastic and my favorite character, but rarely gets very deep) told J-Woww that she seemed happier with Roger when she asked for his advice.

Whether all of this show or some of this show is scripted, and whether or not these people actually get along with each other, they’re all in this crazy, tequila-soaked ride together!

J-Woww would need that support later on when she rushed home because Tom (Vick?) had apparently left her dogs to fend for themselves in the house they shared. On top of that, he may have stolen her treasured watch, a hard drive (possibly containing those compromising photos that were in the news a few months back) and…something to do with Pay Pal.

One person not offering his support was Ronnie, who tried and failed to make the “pot calling the kettle black” analogy with him and J-Woww in regards to their infidelity. So if you’re scoring at home, Ronnie is actually equating J-Woww sitting in a club and having a conversation/dancing with her ex-boyfriend (which is all she’d done up to that point) to his triple kisses and assorted debauchery in Miami while stringing Sammi along.

If only we could replace Ronnie without anyone noticing. Turns out Vinny and Pauly had the same idea when they spotted wingwoman Deena dancing with Ronnie’s stunt double/evil twin named Dean. (Dean and Deena, Snooki/Nicole and Nick…what was going on last night?!)

Obviously, they had no choice but to bring “Ronnie” home (he was already going to go in the hot tub with Deena) and try to slip him into bed with Sammi to see if she would notice. Twist! It turns out Ronnie knows “Ronnie”, and “Ronnie” also has a girlfriend named “Sam.” That didn’t stop “Ronnie” from claiming he was single and cuddling with Deena all night long.

This led to the funniest part of the episode (besides Pauly saying to Snooki, “I just hope prison time didn’t change you): Vinny and Pauly started riffing on last year’s anonymous letter fiasco by threatening to write one to “Sam” and letting her know about “Ronnie’s” tryst with Deena. The best part was their suggested use of a thesaurus and their idea to use 10-dollar words like “in lieu of…” Ultimately, they decided it’d be a violation of girl code.

So what’d you think of this episode? I know they work at a T-shirt shop, but wasn’t J-Woww ready with that “Free Snooki” shirt a little too quickly? (Or maybe she had it made during season 1 for when Snooki inevitably got arrested for public intoxication.) If you were voicing J-Woww's boobs, what would you make them sound like? What was The Situation up to in this episode? (Dancing with the "Stars", perhaps?) When is Danny the Boss going to hang out with the crew? (Oh wait, he’s the one person this show who acts like an adult, so never!) Finally, is being in jail more of a phenomenon or a train wreck?

Jersey Shore: Drunk and Disorderly (Well, More Than Usual)

I missed last Thursday’s episode of “Jersey Shore: Everybody Hates Sammi (and Ron, But Not As Much)” because I went to see “The Fighter.” (My review is coming…sometime.)

However, with a new episode airing Monday night to help launch MTV’s version of “Skins”, I was able to get all caught up with a double dose of Jersey shenanigans. (You know what my favorite part of the “Skins” premiere was? NOT HAVING TO WATCH THOSE G-DAMN COMMERCIALS ANYMORE!!!)

There’s really no need to re-visit last Thursday’s episode because the Sammi/J-Woww fight was broken up fairly quickly, and the rest was almost entirely devoted to the “Ronnie and Sammi Magical Misery Tour” (featuring a giant banana, and The Situation getting shut out of a hookup between Vinny and some random chick they brought home). The editors also worked overtime in making Sammi look pathetic by emphasizing the way she followed him around the gym and the boardwalk while everyone else was having fun in the amusement park. (Not that Sammi needed help to look pathetic.)

Anyway, watching those events made Sammi’s LOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG overdue mea culpa to Snooki (and short overdue heart-to-heart with Deena) all the more outstanding. It came after another blow-up with Ronnie in which she asked him to lay his skeletons out on the proverbial table. Ronnie (he of the little girl giggle/dolphin on steroid laughs) kept responding that he hadn’t done anything wrong (recently), which is true. Eventually, he got frustrated and stormed off. Or, in Ronnie’s immortal words, “I need a mind-condom because I’m getting mind-f---ed!” (Couldn’t have put it better myself!)

Anyway, did you read that last paragraph? Sammi acted like an adult and owned up to her mistakes in Miami and the better part of this season. This is HUGE! I don’t even care if Sammi was genuinely sorry or if one of the show’s uncredited writers nudged her toward this apology. I’m just glad it happened, so we could move away from this miserable couple isolating themselves from anyone else. Still, they cruelly teased a reunion at the end, when they acknowledged that they have “a chemistry no one understands” (not even Alfred Nobel) and might wind up together. Ugh.

The reason Sammi’s historic, game-changing epiphany was overshadowed was because of how drunk Snooki (and Deena) was the entire episode. Then again, Ronnie and Sammi’s stank attitude had infected the rest of the cast and discouraged them from getting drunk, having a good time, falling off stages, peeing behind bars, etc. So it makes sense that Sammi made up with the girls (except a frosty J-Woww) and everyone else cut loose(r than usual) in the same episode.

From the beginning, Snooki was drunk, horny and hilariously toting around a two-liter Hawaiian Punch. She tried for the 30th time this season to hook up with Vinny (“I want Seabiscuit”), who turned her down for the 30th time because he cares about her, according to J-Woww. Snooki responded, “Well stop caring and f--- me, man!” (If that doesn’t show up on a T-shirt within the next week, I’d be shocked.) I have my own theory: Vinny isn’t rejecting Snooki to spare her feelings (not that he doesn’t care for her), he’s rejecting her because he, um, DOESN’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER…and doesn’t want to look like a douche on camera. Too late! You’re on “Jersey Shore”!

(Even Pauly D, almost universally acknowledged as the most likable cast member, was not immune to having a drink dumped on him by a girl who was “stalking his life.” Oh well, he made up for it with his hilarious impression of a customer asking him for advice at the T-shirt shop, complaining about having to work there, and capping it by saying, “I’m a DJ!”)

After that, Snooki and Deena proposed a threesome to The Situation, who accepted because if you’re a man, you don’t turn down a threesome with two girls…no matter how little you’re into either of them. Once the lights went down, Snooki slipped away leaving The Situation and Deena in what he dubbed a “Deesome.” Not cool ladies. Things got so bad that he actually had to kiss Deena to keep her from talking. Oh, poor guy!

Even before the all-day bender that apparently got her temporarily tossed in jail, Snooki was in rare form last night. She went to the gym with Pauly (who may or may not be black) and worked out on a stair contraption with no underwear. (They must’ve all been in the laundry.) She also abused tanning lotion, which led her to put her itchy ass in (what else) a mini-fridge. I just hope she didn’t actually poop in there.

Still, it was the gang’s latest outing to the club that really did them in. Snooki didn’t have the good sense to get tossed for drunken behavior in under 10 minutes like Deena did, so when she woke up the next morning, she was NOT fit for work. She kept trying to go in the bathroom to sneak a beer. When Boss Danny kept busting her, she went to get a “coffee”, she made a beeline for a bar where she convinced an older couple to take shots off each other.

Suddenly, she became overcome with the urge to find the beach. Luckily, a helpful gentleman showed her the way: “It’s right there,” he said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. “Where else would it be?”

J-Woww, Deena and some guy in a green T-shirt who must’ve been part of the production staff gave chase, but Snooki was not to be denied. She wandered into the water carrying a purse. She fell face first on the sand. As more and more onlookers gathered, the cops eventually came to escort her away, and put her in handcuffs when she started mouthing off. Snooki, now just Ronnie in the ranks of “Jersey Shore” cast members being arrested on camera.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will you watch the inevitable, “Snooki: Sex Therapist”? Is that woman who ratted out Roger to J-Woww a professional cock-blocker? Why is J-Woww’s boyfriend such a girl? How would you defrost a bunch of stuck-together turkey burgers? Finally, “turkey burgers”? Eww!

Jersey Shore: The Rookie

I tried. I really did.

For 2011, I resolved to go into the new year — and the new season of “Jersey Shore” — with an open mind about Sammi “Sweetheart”, quickly becoming the most ironically-named character in pop culture history.

By the end of last season, she’d become unbearably, almost (I said ALMOST) comically awful.

As the cast returned to Seaside Heights for season 3, the couple who redefined the word toxic arrived first (oh hai, duck phone!) and instantly alienated themselves from the rest of the house by picking a bedroom with three beds.

Now, I’m not going to kill Sammi and Ronnie for wanting (allegedly) the “nicest” room in that house (whatever that means), but why would you pick a bedroom with three beds if you’re in a couple? (Especially if you’re in a couple that has painstakingly alienated itself from the rest of the house?) Not only are you inviting some poor soul into your own personal, depressing hell (The Situation drew the short straw), but it’s just inconsiderate and doesn’t make sense. Every time the camera showed Sammi last night I pretty much reacted exactly the same way (whorebag) J-Woww did when she saw Sammi standing in the big room: “Ugh!” (MVP could’ve used that room. Or how about: DJ’S?)

Of course, the “D” in “DJ’S” is new cast member Deena, who accompanied a newly red-haired Snooki to Seaside Heights. If we had any illusions about Deena being gradually, seamlessly integrated into the cast, they were blown up last night — and the episode was all the better for it.

In just one episode, Deena declared herself a walking holiday — per The Situation, she’s like Thanksgiving, “She’s got a lot to give, and she’s ready for a lot of stuffing” — got drunk during a game of flip (the?) cup, appeared on her way to hooking up with Vinny in the hot tub, showed her na-na (not to be confused with her kooka) to The Situation (pictured, right, who responded like a 13-year-old boy discovering Cinemax), and incited an argument that led to a fight between Sammi and J-Woww.

Not bad for a day’s work, and certainly worthy of the Rookie of the Year award bestowed upon her by The Situation. In fact, I’d argue that the new girl went overboard in trying to make an impression on the first day. Although she’s being pushed as another “Snooki” (and she’s allegedly Snooki’s good friend), I’m not so sure I’m on board with this addition yet. Then again, if you recall, Snooki got so drunk in HER first day at the house and made such a fool of herself that she threatened to leave. So maybe Deena really IS the next Snooki!

By the way, who knew that Snooki is apparently in love with Vinny. Last night we learned that Vinny had hooked up with Snooki’s previous BFF Ryder (seen in season 2, but not caught by cameras hooking up with Vinnie), which deeply wounded Snooki because, um, she loves that kid or something. Vinnie tried to explain that he didn’t want to hook up with Snooki (who was throwing herself at him) and have her develop feelings for him because that would seriously hinder his ability to get his freak on this season, but that didn’t stop her from leaving in a huff. Vinny also had the best line of the episode when he tried to defuse the awkwardness in the hot tub by asking Deena, “So what’s it like being a dental assistant?” before Deena slipped away.

I guess we have to talk about the fight that ended the episode. Kudos to MTV for at least showing us the beginning of J-Woww vs. Sammi 2: Money Never Sleeps, instead of cruelly cutting away from it right as it was about to happen as they did last season.

Earlier, I mentioned that Deena had tried way too hard. Well that also meant, she TRIED to be friendly to Sammi, asking her where she was from. All she got were cold, single-word responses as she robotically, infuriatingly straightened her hair with her hand.

It’s moments like this that make it easy to agree with Snooki’s contention that Samm is, indeed, “the biggest bitch I’ve ever met in my entire life.” Deena tried to drunkenly cuddle with The Situation and Sammi began laughing (well, it WAS kind of funny). Drunk Deena basically said “don’t condensend me, man” and started saying nasty things to Sammi as she left the room, including the c-word that isn’t “cute”, but has a lot of the same letters.

Deena continued saying terrible things as Sammi and Ronnie listened from upstairs. Curiously, neither sprinted into action until Deena mentioned Ronnie. (Note: Deena didn’t say anything about Ronnie: she just referenced Sammi’s f---ing boyfriend.) As we now know, Sammi can only be bothered to get out of bed to hide behind her bully of a boyfriend when he storms downstairs to yell at a diminutive girl.

Eventually, Sammi and Deena started yelling at each other, then Sammi versus Snooki (who got madder and madder the more she talked), then Ronnie (who is dead inside) sat down and put his head in his hands. Snooki miraculously fabricated an insult about Ronnie’s mom thinking Sammi is a bitch…but Ronnie didn’t exactly refute it.

It was when the couple ganged up on Snooki by calling her “a loser from Poughkeepsie” that J-Woww (a dormant volcano in the background) sprang into action and got in Sammi’s grill. Can’t decide what I enjoyed more: the guys sitting back and watching all this unfold as if they were watching TV like us (led by The Instigation, I mean, The Situation) or Sammi FINALLY getting smacked in that smug face of hers.

So what’d you think of this episode? What was up with Sammi’s fake punch? (If you’re gonna step to J-Woww, you best step to her for real!) What will the casts’ faux job be this year? Are you as disappointed as I am that we barely got any Pauly D last night? Finally, could Vinnie had found a girlier shower caddy? (It was periwinkle…all that was missing was a pretty yellow flower.)

Jersey Shore: Broken Wingman

Where most scripted shows build to a grand crescendo as they get closer to their season finales, “Jersey Shore” seems to be fizzing out for the second year in a row.

And that’s after an episode in which The Situation got the group kicked out of “Space” (Miami’s “hottest club”?) after picking a fight with a guy half his size, cock blocked Pauly D (twice!), and in which J-Woww wore her most outrageous outfit yet. I mean, were the pasties part of the top, or did she put those on separately? Also, why bother?!

The action picked up where we left off last week with The Situation acting like a creep. To his credit, he came over to Snooki’s bed and apologized for his abhorrent behavior…by lying on top of her, repeatedly kissing her and forcing her to accept his apology. Never mind.

The next portion of this scattershot episode focused on how much Snooki was missing her friend Ryder, went home. I thought J-Woww was going to act all wounded that Snooki was treating her like chopped liver, but she was too busy making her “Space” outfit as revealing as humanly possible without having any private parts blurred out. (Even professional female wrestlers thought the outfit was over-the-top.)

The trip to “Space” was supposed to cheer Snooki up, but instead she was getting baited by a drunk chick, and The Situation jumped in to defend her honor. And by, “defend her honor”, I mean that he saw a chance to yell at a short guy and act tough. The group was subsequently removed from “Space.” (We hardly knew ye.) I mean, it was only 3:15 a.m. – they JUST got there!

On their way out, Pauly managed to wrangle a couple of girls and bring them back to the house. Unfortunately, The Situation was informed by Pauly’s girl that Mike’s girl wouldn’t be hooking up with him. “Don’t let the outfit fool you…” should become a catchphrase. (And so should, “I never said anything about checkers, old man.”)

You see, unless you’re there to have sex with him in a timely manner, The Situation has no use for you as a human being. I get how he’d be under the impression that a girl who goes home with a guy she just met a club would be DTF. However, he should probably realize that a lot of these women who come back to the house with them (and who sign the releases so that their faces aren’t blurred out) MAY be less interested in them as human beings and more interested in appearing on TV.

While this was happening, Vinny continued to “wife up” Romanian Ramona, and I continued to wish that Pauly would stop messing around with random girls and chicks from “Canadia” and just “wife up” Rocio. (Come on! She’s a “Little Mermaid” fan.)

Other than a redux of the “Pauly bringing two girls home, and The Situation blowing it” scenario (in Mike’s slight defense, that one girl’s breasts were SCREAMING “DTF!”), not much else happened in the episode.

The hookup chart segment was a disappointment other than the revelation that Snooki (said, “You usually don’t have sex with your big brother after Mike kissed her”) has made out with pretty much everyone in the house.

Pauly briefly made my brain explode when he said, “At one point, we all didn’t know any of us.” (Whoa!) Also, there a scene where The Situation’s cooking set off a smoke alarms and the firefighters showed up…and then left. (Riveting stuff!) After that, The Situation managed to get his car towed, so he and Vinny had to walk around for a while and look for it. (Are you still awake?) And I think that’s about it for this episode.

(Seriously…do I have to?!)

Fine, I wouldn’t be a responsible recapper if I didn’t bring up the umpteenth example of Sammi being absolutely insufferable.

Sammi wandered aloud if she was exotic looking, and Ronnie responded “You look Asian. I like it.” (HOW DARE HE?!?!) You see, it turns out that Ronnie’s ex-girlfriend is Asian, and what he’s really saying is that he’s still in love with her and wants to dump Sammi immediately! (At least this is how Sammi took it.)

Of course, assuming Ronnie was thinking about his ex when he said that is giving him WAY too much credit. (He was thinking?) My favorite part was Snooki trying to comfort Sammi afterwards, even as she acknowledged that Sammi was acting like an idiot.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you miss Ryder? Is there any way Sammi could be more annoying? Finally, what are your hopes and dreams for the season finale?

Jersey Shore: An Unfortunate Situation

After watching the latest episode of “Jersey Shore” it’s clearer to me than ever that the reason The Situation and Angelina fought so much is because they’re probably not that different.

For example, both think nothing about hooking up with multiple people. (Bonus points if it’s someone a fellow cast member has already hooked up with.) With Angelina gone (the rest of house literally busted out the champagne to celebrate) The Situation’s awfulness took center stage.

Unfortunately, the season’s other main source of awfulness (drippy Sammi) also jumped back into the spotlight. Notice I didn’t say “Ronnie and Sammi” in my previous sentence.

Although he was unquestionably the season’s villain early on, and he’s still a major jackass, I saw stuff from Ronnie that reminded me why he was one of my favorite people during season 1. When Sammi was talking about how gross The Situation was in a club Sammi said “If I ever met him, I would be like, “Hell no!” Ronnie’s instant classic response: “You DID meet him…and you made out with him.” Later, when the group was going out, Sammi whined “I don’t feel like I look nice” to which Ronnie responded, “Shut up.”

Damnit, I’m starting to like Ronnie again – Sammi…not so much.

With Angelina gone, Sammi worried that she wouldn’t have anyone else in the house to hang out with (on the rare occasions that Ronnie was able to pry himself away). It just so happened that Snooki wanted to extend an olive branch and the two got to talking.

It all resulted in some of the tensest body language I’ve ever seen when J-Woww came to sit on the couch, and Sammi refused to look at or talk to her. J-Woww gave a semi-convincing, half-hearted apology which Sammi didn’t really accept. Whatever. In her confessional, J-Woww called Sammi a priss and said that she used to beat up girls like that in high school. Also, last week. Later, Sammi told Ronnie about how she wasn’t going to forgive J-Woww (define “irony”) and waffled about whether or not to hang out with J-Woww, Snooki and Snooki’s friend Ryder.

Speaking of Ryder, when Snooki was futilely trying to give her flight information on the phone, I thought we were going to meet a drunker, dumber version of Snooki. Instead, Ryder turned out to be pretty cool.

In other news, Vinny was faced with a “bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” dilemma. Or in his case, “two girls on the beach weren’t worth as much as the possibility of hooking up with hot Romanian Ramona.” Vinny could’ve gone to the beach with two sure things, but chose to wait around for the girl who stood him up twice. (Picking the person who treats him like dirt – how girly of him.) He seems happy with the decision, so whatever.

One person not happy with the decision was The Situation.

Earlier, when The Situation was having trouble forcing himself on women (seriously, that one girl was saying, “Can you stop please?”) he declared that it was time to go. When Snooki complained the two got into an argument for which The Situation never properly apologized. (LOVED Pauly D benefiting from The Situation’s deplorable behavior.)

Later, when the crew went out again The Situation decided he wanted Ramona for himself, and hit on her when Vinny went to the restroom. (What was Vinny supposed to do? Bring her to the bathroom – that IS what Sitch did with his Canadian chick.)

When that didn’t work (hey, when Ramona shows up, she’s loyal!) The Situation turned dark, creepily staring at Vinny and Ramona. When he tried to declare that it was time to go and was rebuffed, he forcibly tried to make out with Snooki (EWWW) and lightly smacked her in the mouth. No, it wasn’t a hard strike, but there’s never any reason to put your hands on a woman.

In the past, I’ve joked about The Situation’s insecurity, but last night he was not fun to watch. As the season winds down, I’m curious to see how this conflict between the show’s two biggest stars (The Situation and Snooki) resolves itself.

So what’d you think of this episode? If you had a pet lobster, what would you name it? (RIP lobster.) Will The Situation’s incredibly douche-y behavior hurt him on “Dancing with the Stars” this week? Finally, what the hell happened to Rocio?

Jersey Shore: She's No Angel

Look, I’m no Angelina fan — if I knew her in real life, I’d probably end up killing myself, then her — but I have to admit that a small, masochistic part of me is going to miss her.

(I decided to forgo the “Spoiler Alert” for the first sentence of this recap because it’s just a given that whenever Angelina joins the cast of “Jersey Shore” she is going to end up packing her bags and going home before the end of the season. At least this time, she didn’t actually pack garbage bags. Instead, she packed about eight suitcases. Upgrade!)

Last week, The Situation elegantly explained the completely unfair double standard that nevertheless exists in which a guy who hooks up with a lot of girls is considered a player, while a girl who sleeps with a bunch of guys is a slut. For the better part of the last two episodes, Angelina has been getting killed mostly for acting like a slut. (All her other horribleness was on the backburner.)

The episode picked up where last week’s left off, with Angelina “striking” The Situation. (I get that you don’t put your hands on people, but can’t we agree that Mike played up the whole “she hit me” angle?) To the surprise of no one, Angelina threatened to leave, but was momentarily talked down from the ledge by J-Woww, of all people, president and member of the “I’ve Smacked The Situation in the Face Club.”

Then again, there’s an actual reason why everyone hates Angelina.

Not being able to help herself, she used Jose (a common theme this year) as a human shield and took over The Situation’s bed while he was in the smash room with Samantha, the Canadian chick. (A bit more on her later.)

While I don’t completely buy Mike’s rhetoric about them being a “family”, Angelina’s complete lack of effort to pleasantly interact with anyone else in the house, and her total unwillingness to accept personal responsibility (the pad thing was unforgivable) really meant that she had to go. (Side note: I have a theory that if people on reality shows just cleaned down own dish after they ate, they could reduce in-house drama by as much as 75%.)

While the rest of the cast was at the club, Angelina packed her bags, but waited around to make her grand exit because she wanted them to know that she wasn’t leaving because of them (huh?!) even though she did. Of course, she hinted at the real reason she hung around when she admitted that she kinda hoped that someone would ask her to stay. (Not even only-friend-in-the-house Sammi spoke up — but then again, Sammi didn’t speak until there were two minutes left in this episode, and I was ok with that.)

This girl has serious issues, which is why I feel bad for her. But whenever I start feeling bad for her, she does something like flip off everyone else in the house and yell that they’re fake. (Side note #2: Is “fake” the most overused insult on TV? I say “on TV” because I’ve never heard anyone actually use that insult in real life.)

Also, who picks a fight with Snooki? Ronnie, considerably less douche-y since the show stopped focusing on his relationship with Sammi, hilariously compared fighting Snooki to beating up a baby, and made fun of her T-Rex arms.

The fight began because Snooki came home with Alex, Angelina’s “sloppy seconds”. This, after Angelina targeted two guys that Snooki had gotten busy with. When they were rolling around the floor fighting, I wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d started making out. (We already know Snooki would say “yes.”) The fight was definitely more a crowd-pleaser than the Sammi/J-Woww brawl if only because Snooki was mostly drunk.

Snooki didn’t even show up until the half-hour mark, but quickly made up for lost time. She came up with a list of qualities for her ideal man (including “dork at heart” and “romantical”) and set about finding him at the club by yelling, “Make out with me!” and showing everyone her ass.

The first half hour was dominated by The Situation/Angelina drama, and Mike’s exploits with Samantha, the Canuck who Likes to…you know.

Not really sure why The Situation appears to have thrown her away. She was one of the few girls he actually got around to sleeping with (he usually gets thwarted somehow), and her protectiveness seemed to turn him on. Maybe The Situation is looking for someone he can wife up, ala Pauly D with Rocio. (Ok, probably not.)

So what’d you think of this episode? What does your ideal gorilla juicehead have? Is it “smash”, “smush” both or either? (I’m SO confused.) Shorts or sweats? Finally, how long before a musical “Jersey Shore” episode? (All together now: “It’s Teeee-SHIRT TIMMEEEE!”) Ooh, maybe an opera.

Jersey Shore: Worst. Couple. Ever

When “Jersey Shore” premiered last year, I was pleasantly surprised that the seemingly ‘roided-up meathead Ronnie turned out to be one of the more likable and thoughtful members of the cast. (We’re grading on a curve here people.)

Sammi…I think we all agreed that she was the prettiest one, right? (Again…curve.)

I’m telling you that to tell you this — I can’t even stand to look at either one of them right now. I hate hearing them talk even more.

I mean, I don’t even feel like talking about them, so I’m going to keep my thoughts on them short. (Which means this recap will probably be short, since this season is pretty much all about them.)

This week picked up where last week frustratingly left off, in the middle of the fight between J-Woww and Sammi. Vinny had tried to get J-Woww to beat Angelina’s ass for being an instigator, but Sammi stepped up to fight J-Woww for reasons that still remain completely unclear.

Here’s what you need to know: after the fracas (and the resulting explosion of fingernails and sandwiches) and after a mini undercard with Vinny and Ronnie, Sammi bragged about how she had beat J-Woww’s ass. Note to Sammi: landing two punches on someone who is being held back by, at least, two people does NOT equal beating someone’s ass. I don’t know what was more pathetic: Sammi claiming this was her greatest accomplishment or Sammi repeatedly and triumphantly flexing her right hand like she was a real brawler.

I hate Sammi and Ronnie. I’ve gone from feeling bad for Sammi, to hating her for being so dumb, to just plain hating her. (Really? Angelina and Ronnie are your allies?!) The Situation fantastically likened her delusions about Ronnie to a kid wanting to believe in Santa Claus. (“F---ing Santa Claus is dead.”) Ronnie, for his part, has gotten off scot free, as The Situation incredulously pointed out. (The most unfortunate side-effect of this Sammi/Ronnie-centric season has been the lack of screen time for The Situation, but damn if the guy doesn’t make the most of the time he’s given.)

Have fun Sammi and Ronnie…you two deserve each other! (As Ronnie humps Sammi’s head behind her.)

As I say goodbye to Sammi and Ronnie, I thought this was going to be the week where I welcomed Vinny into my heart and permanently stopped making jokes about how much of a non-factor he is.

He was on a roll after taking it upon himself to expose what a fraud Angelina is and the two got into a heated argument. (I didn’t even know Vinny was capable of getting into a heated argument.

Vinny’s roll continued after he hooked up with a legitimately hot Hooters girl (she had the Pauly D stamp of approval), but (needle scratching on record sound) my man’s momentum came to a screeching halt when he suddenly, inexplicably hooked up with Angelina. (AKA Rob Kardashian.)
(That sound you hear is Jose’s heart breaking at his lady love Angelina’s betrayal and because of the realization that he is NOT getting his Fossil watch back.)

The other residual fallout from the couple from hell was that best-selling authors Snooki and J-Woww ended up being outcasts – and I couldn’t have been more thrilled because these two are entertaining as hell together!

Whether Snooki was talking about her “tan” ethnicity, or whether Snooki was hooking up with the perpetually-hungry Dennis while J-Woww cowered in her bed a few feet away, I’m definitely feeling like I would watch a spin-off of these two.

Their best moments came when Snooki decided to invite Dennis over (could they have been more lukewarm on each other), and the two decided to clean the smush/hookup room. My two favorite two things were the sly allusion to Vinny’s penis size (Snooki found a Magnum wrapper and deduced it was his) and J-Woww almost suffocating herself under all that plastic.

A few minutes later, it seemed like she WISHED she had suffocated herself when she saw Dennis’ friend/wingman, whose biggest offense was a truly unfortunate nose, but otherwise kinda looked like Herb from the latest season of “The Next Food Network Star.” J-Woww’s will appeared to deflate, she put her purse down and simply walked away from the grenade/chode.

Overall, not a great week for J-Woww, but I suspect that she’s right and that she’ll eventually have the last laugh.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you, like my girlfriend, hope there’s a special feature on the “Jersey Shore” season 2 DVD that has Sammi watching these episodes and capturing her reaction? Finally, will you know start using the singular “herpe”?

Jersey Shore: Vinny, Vidi, Vici

I can’t decide what was worse.

Last year, MTV relentlessly promoted their burgeoning phenomenon by repeatedly showing the moment where Snooki got popped in the face by a man while out at a bar. However, by the time the episode aired they decided not to show the punch.

As weak as that was, last night’s switcheroo was probably even more frustrating.

It was teased during the season premiere’s previews. It was teased during last week’s “Next Week” preview. It’s shown up on every “Jersey Shore” commercial this week. Yet, when it finally came time for J-Woww and Sammi to throw down, the end credits had already run, and we only saw about 15 seconds of the skirmish.

Inexcusable. (Ignore my lead sentence — I think I just decided that this was worse.)

Though the Ronnie/Sammi drama may have come to an emotional head during last week’s episode, the conflict manifested itself in a more “Jersey Shore”-appropriate way this week. That means people were in each other’s faces, and fists were flying.

All of that PLUS Vinny — who I gently mock every week for being completely forgettable — stepped up in a big way and left his fingerprints all over this episode (and all over Snooki).

MTV cruelly teased us by making us think J-Woww and Sammi were going to fight relatively early in the episode. J-Woww and Snooki wanted to talk to Sammi about “the note”, and had Angelina (who they’ve somehow roped into the assuming responsibility for the note) summon her. Sammi, who apparently hasn’t seen enough Italian gangster movies and doesn’t realize that being “summoned” is simply how it’s done, refused to come outside, which set off an argument between J-Woww and Sammi. (Though, to be fair, a particularly violent sneeze would probably set off an argument with J-Woww.)

J-Woww basically verbalized what we’ve all been thinking (with extra F-words added in) about Sammi being a sap and Ronnie being a douche for treating her wrong. Still, she stopped just short of admitting that she and Snooki were responsible for the note.

This is why Sammi’s the worst. It’s bad enough that she keeps stupidly running back into Ronnie’s arm after he’s repeatedly (and clearly) lied to and cheated on her. Now, she seems more fixated on and obsessed with finding the identity of the note writer.

In fact, the big winner in last night’s episode was Ronnie — no one was really mad at him last night. Sammi was mad at everyone else in the house for not telling her that Ronnie was doing her wrong, while J-Woww was mad at Sammi for being such a doormat. (Meanwhile, Ronnie was off in the corner instigating Sammi to keep the attention away from him.)

Speaking of attention, I don’t ever remember as much of it being lavished on Vinny before.

There he was in the beginning hooking up with Snooki (legitimately this time), after she tried out Pauly D and The Situation as cuddle partners. (What guy doesn’t love being third choice?) There he is going to the doctor out of fear that he’d gotten pink eye again. (Ok, so Pauly D pretty much stole this segment with his comments.) Here’s Vinny putting on a chain that are exactly like J-Woww’s t-ts (“looks sick, but it’s fake”) to impress The Situation’s visiting sister. (Who Vinny had hooked up with before.)

Most importantly, there’s Vinny being the one to try to restore some sense of justice in the house.

After Angelina (having found a new ally in Sammi) tried to misconstrue J-Woww’s comments and make it seem like she was talking crap about Pauly D, Vinny (the self-proclaimed quiet one) jumped in to set things right. More than that, he went to J-Woww and told her what Angelina (who’d been alarmingly scandal free) was trying to do. (LOVED J-Woww tossing her item of clothing aside before leaving her room and heading for battle.)

We’ll have to wait till next week to see who wins the J-Woww/Sammi fight, but I’m already looking forward to the inevitable tag team match between Vinny/J-Woww vs. Ronnie/Sammi at Survivor Series.

Other than that, we got to watch the girls (minus lazy Debbie Downer Sammi) make dinner for the guys, despite the fact that they lost Snooki’s shopping list, which had been written in chalk. Of course it was.

So what’d you think of this episode? Have you ever accidentally drunk a cigarette? Have we ever seen Pauly D that drunk? (He kissed Angelina, so I’m going with “no.”) Was anyone else taken aback by the mature heart-to-heart between The Situation and Sammi? (Maturity? Wha?!) Finally, why did no one else point out that the girl The Situation hooked up with was a total grenade/hippo? (And I haven’t even gotten to the tranny!)

Jersey Shore: Note-Worthy

I realize the eligibility period for this Sunday’s Emmys ended a while ago. That’s too bad because a couple of “Jersey Shore” cast members gave award-worthy performances last night.

For better or worse (worse!), the main storyline this season has been the Ronnie/Sammi drama. At the end of last week, J-Woww and Snooki composed a note detailing just a sampling of Ronnie’s transgressions (I believe fat girls, multiple makeout partners, and taking shots off of breasts were involved).

This week, they snuck the note into Sammi’s stuff — nice to see Sammi has one of those plastic drawer storage contraptions from K-Mart like the rest of us. Afterwards, everyone else tried their damndest to convince her that they didn’t know anything about the note or about what Ronnie had been up to.

I’m actually going to switch things up a bit and hand out some awards.

Best Actor in a Drama: Pauly D. We couldn’t see his face when Sammi confronted him about Ronnie making out with two girls, but Pauly D’s voice and speech never wavered. He was so damned convincing as the told Sammi that he never saw Ronnie because he was busy doing his own thing, that it made the flashback to Pauly D laughing and pointing to Ronnie as he, yep, made out with two girls all the more glorious.

Best Actor in a Comedy: The Situation. Ok, so he didn’t have to pretend to not know about the note (he REALLY didn’t know), and Ronnie/Sammi never really confronted him, so he didn’t have to lie. However, his uproarious laughter upon hearing about the note was an absolute highlight of this episode. That laughter over the childishness of everything put the ridiculous Ronnie/Sammi melodrama in perspective. Bonus points for recovering nicely after confirming an item in the note by saying, “If it’s on paper, it’s the truth.”

Worst Actor in a Drama: Ronnie. Even Ronnie is beginning to act like he’s completely over the Ronnie/Sammi drama. He re-deployed his “Deny, deny, deny” strategy, but his heart didn’t really seem to be into it and I didn’t believe him. (And that’s not just because I KNOW he’s lying.) Further proof that he’s no longer invested in this relationship — he immediately went into the other room and told his hometown honey to meet him in Miami for some G.T.S. (If you don’t know what the “S” stands for, you haven’t been paying attention.)

Worst Actress in a Drama: Snooki. Our poor Snooki simply cannot tell a lie. She could NOT make eye contact with Sammi when the erstwhile Ms. Sweetheart was grilling her. If The Situation hadn’t come in at that point, I think she would’ve cracked.

Quietest Supporting Actor in a Drama: Vinny. He used whispers and sign language to warn Ronnie about the note. Somehow the fact that low-key Vinny’s signature moment in this episode involved him not talking was…perfect.

Best Supporting Performance: J-Woww’s hands. They did a nice job holding up J-Woww’s breasts as she admired herself in the mirror.

Believe it or not, other stuff happened in the episode!

The night opened with what looked like was going to be a sequel to the classic season 1 episode that introduced the country to the term grenade. The Situation set it up so that two sets of girls arrived at the house. However, whatever conflict (or excitement) there could have been was quickly defused when Mike separated the girls, put the grenade-y hippo to bed (did he slip her Ambien?), while MVP took care the other three girls.

In other Situation news, he got into a dust-up with Angelina who (shockingly!) refused to do dishes. The two got into a shouting match that hilariously ended with the Situation telling Angelina to hit the elliptical because it would be better for her than the treadmill. Once again, whatever drama could’ve arisen from this was quickly squashed when the Situation apologized and included Angelina in the group dinner. (Personally, I would’ve apologized and STILL excluded her from the dinner unless she did the dishes — I’m not a cook AND a maid!)

The rest of the highlights sprang from little moments that show you how close the cast has become.

Snooki and Emilio re-broke up when he found out she’d been clubbing with some gays. (He then threatened to party with lesbians.) I liked the way J-Woww was there for her girl (even if that mid-street hug was dangerous), and the way Pauly D jokingly(?) threatened to track down Emilio.

I also got a kick out of the fact that Ronnie thinks he knows Snooki so well, that he dismissed her as the author of the note because she wouldn’t possibly use the word “wisely.” Low-blow! Snooki learned and used the word “sympathetic” in this episode — she’s virtually a tiny, orange thesaurus!

So what’d you think of this episode? Why don’t any of the guys (or their girls) get grossed out by the fact that two other people are having sex about three feet away?