Dancing with the Stars: Ready to Rumba (and Tango)

Doesn’t this seem like a particularly innovative season of “Dancing with the Stars”?

Between the celebaquarium, the new graphics and the weekly format changes — last week it was Story Time, this week the couples were judged separately on technical and performance merit — the show seems to be pulling out all the stops to grab viewers in its 10th season. (Maybe next week the celebrities will choreograph the routines!)

And it’s working — the show recently passed “American Idol” to claim the top spot in the ratings! I’m just not sure that’s due to all the changes. I think people are just tuning to see just how horrible Kate Gosselin is going to dance every week. (I suspect they were slightly disappointed last night.)

Anyway, the here’s how the couples did in their (non-Argentine) tangos and rumbas (which requires the women to wear artfully-draped bed sheets as costumes), in order of appearance.

Erin Andrews & Maksim: I thought the technique in Erin’s tango was MUCH better than judges gave her credit for, but I’ll agree that the performance part of it was a bit lacking. She came out looking pissed off, but seemed to come in and out of character. It seems like the judges are liking her less and less these past few weeks, which is when I’ve warmed up to her. Go figure.

Evan Lysacek & Anna: Evan’s tango landed him atop the leader board for the second week in a row, but I’m still not 100% on board with him as a dancer (despite the fact that I picked him to win as soon as I heard he was in the cast). His footwork was much better this week and his “catlike arrogance” was a step in the right direction toward looking like a more powerful and masculine dancer. I wish I knew why I don’t love watching this guy dance.

Niecey Nash & Louis: Whereas I’m enjoying Erin a little more every week, I’m enjoying Niecy a little less. Niecy and Louis are still great in rehearsals (he looked as disgusted as I did with that dirty, cluttered house), but basing every one of her dances around a Very Important Theme is getting to be exhausting. Last night, we saw Louis forgo the traditional sexy rumba (it IS the bedroom dance) and opt for a tribute to Niecy’s late brother. I could actually stand this heavy handedness if Niecy also weren’t regressing as a technical dancer.

Aiden Turner & Edyta: I’d pick him to go home, but I’m betting his decision to go shirtless on that boat earned him another week over Jake Pavelka. As for his rumba, it really WAS too herky jerky and I actually knew was Bruno was talking about (for a change) when he compared him to a Ray Harryhausen character. Who knew Bruno was a stop-motion animation buff? I wonder what he thinks of the new “Clash of the Titans.”

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek: This week’s drummed-up “Nicole struggles during rehearsal” storyline involved her not being able to take Derek seriously as a love object. Do we even need to see rehearsal footage of Nicole? We know she’s awesome and we know she doesn’t ever REALLY struggle, so what’s the point? (Other than introducing Derek’s “love hand” — triple ick!) Though I thought her rumba was exquisite, I understand and appreciate that the judges have to be much harder on her (even if I didn’t get Carrie Ann’s critique about exaggerated arm movements). I also didn’t quite get why she was so nervous AFTER the dance.

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie: Where can I get one of those “Turn up, keep up, shut up” T-shirts Jake was sporting? Also, why does Chelsie STILL have J-Woww hair in rehearsal? (At least it’s magically gone when she performs.) Jake’s tango was enthusiastic but kind of blah until he pulled off a sorta spectacular and smooth tango move up and down the dance floor steps. Unfortunately, Jake apparently realized how awesome that move was because it looks like he got over confident, tripped a few times and generally went off the rails right in front of the judges’ table. Too bad.

Kate Gosselin & Tony: Those teases throughout the night didn’t make Kate’s segment any less annoying. Maybe less whining and more time actually rehearsing each dance might help. I get that she’s going through a tough time now, but instead of maybe losing herself in this fun, ludicrous show, she’s bringing the entire thing down with her self-loathing drama. (You’re letting “him” win, Kate.) We also learned that each morning she reads the press to see what hell she’s going to go through that day. (God forbid she’s not in one of the papers or Web sites she frequents!) Oh yeah, the tango. In keeping with the backhanded comments she got from the judges, I’ll say it was, by far, her least horrible performance and that my soul was only mildly crushed watching it.

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl (pictured, left): I have a feeling the mesmerizing brown and salmon color palette had a lot to do with it, but I REALLY enjoyed their rumba. Though Chad was a little stiff in the beginning, he delivered his best dance of the season and, more importantly, forged a believable and compelling connection with Cheryl. (It was MUCH more believable than the showmance, now featuring a truly garish ring, the producers keep shoving down our throats.) Bonus points for being one of the few celebs to bring a decent amount of hip action to the rumba.

Pamela Anderson & Damien: After the first week, I figured Pamela Anderson would be an amusing crowd favorite, garner buzz and get kicked out by week 4 or 5. However, I’m impressed by the fact that Pamela is REALLY working at her dancing. And it’s paying off! At first, I thought Damien’s rumba could’ve been more challenging, but it’s probably a good idea to take a “less is more” approach with Pamela. (Especially when it would’ve been so east to go over-the-top in the bedroom dance.) I could conceivably see Pamela joining Evan and Nicole in the final 3.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why did it take so long for this show to incorporate instant replay? What advice would YOU have for Len? (He likes to dish it out so I wonder if he can take it.) Finally, who do you think is going home? (I think Jake will be sent packing.)

America's Next Top Recap: Fake Your Way to the Top

The fact of the matter is that this season is seriously lacking in standout contestants.

I THINK Raina is the best, but we’ve heard about 15 words from her in four episodes. The fact that you probably just thought to yourself, “Which one is Raina again?” just proves my point.

Since we can’t go back and re-cast, we’re stuck with this mediocre lot and the producers’ insistence on bludgeoning home their (annoying) personality straits and storylines. For example, did you guys know Anslee has a daughter back home?

Fortunately, the show also decided to ramp up the crazy switch to 100. (On a scale of 1 to 10.)

Ms. J – who really is better suited in this mentor role than he was as a judge because these girls need all the help they can get – administered a chemistry test. As hilarious as it would’ve been to watch these girls wrestle with the periodic table, the actual test had the models attempting to strike up a conversation with a shy, male model by the name of Nigel Barker. (Hey, he had hair once upon a time!)

The test was supposed to teach the girls how to quickly get comfortable and develop chemistry with someone they’ve never worked with before, but what it actually did was bring out their obnoxious, slutty sides. (To shocking, hilarious effect.)

The women had about three minutes to get Shy Nigel (“Speak up”) to come out of his shell during a tram ride. Angelea decided to “rawr” at him like a cat. Alexandra decided to go the weirdly self-conceited route (“There’s a beautiful woman standing next to you”) while Tatianna’s strategy was to insult him. In the episode’s biggest surprise, Anslee seemed like a pleasant human being and did the best.

Then there’s was Jessica, who acted like a drunk, deranged and desperate stripper. Seriously, after exaggeratedly winking at Nigel, she started taking her clothes off and almost forcing Nigel to do the same. I’m pretty sure she actually fondled him a bit too. (I bet Nigel’s wife loved watching this episode.)

No winner was declared, because the real winners were us, the viewers. The week’s actual challenge had the girls taking what they “learned” and applying it to a voyeuristic photo shoot with comedian Ross Matthews. Each girl got five frames each, and Nigel would be taking the photographs of “intimate” moments from across the street.

The women did considerably better here, except for Tatianna who appeared to get four horrible shots and one good one, awkward Alexandra and Angelea who put her leg on Ross’s shoulder and exposed her private parts to Nigel (and a good portion of NYC). I LOVED how Nigel begrudgingly took the picture anyway. (Imagine Tyra saying, “Let’s take a closer look.”)

Despite strong competition from Anslee, Jessica took home the reward (fabulous jewelry) and once again proved the point that the crazier you act on a reality show, the better you do.

This episode was light on household drama (there are only so many ways they can get Brenda to say that she hates her haircut or that Anslee misses her daughter), so we were off to the week’s photo shoot.

But first, there was a dramatization condemning the scourge of the fashion industry – knockoffs. (Huh?!) The fake scene had Ms. J trying to buy a knockoff on the side of the street and getting arrested by an undercover cop/photographer/DJ. Seriously.

The week’s photo shoot had the models dressed in fake clothes and makeup (aren’t you contributing to the problem guys), but I found it very confusing? Were the girls supposed to play up the fakeness or try to elevate it into genuine fashion?

After panel, (which featured Tyra wearing an unflattering oversized jumpsuit) I was still confused.

Jessica won best photo honors and (shockingly) zero scolding from Tyra for her incredibly inappropriate behavior earlier. I remember the more innocent days of cycle 7 when eventual winner CariDee got scolded by Nigel for making a joke about him taking the stick out of his ass. Apparently, CariDee should’ve gotten handsier and grabbed Nigel’s butt to see if she could remove the stick herself.

Jessica’s was the best fashion photo (up in the air), but my favorite was Angelea (pictured, right and doing best job of playing up the fakeness, which I thought would get her the win), Brenda (which the judges didn’t like for some reason) and Alasia (if she had looked up, she could’ve challenged Jessica for the win).

The worst of the bunch were Alexandra and Tatianna and they deservedly ended up in the bottom two. Though Alexandra’s picture was the worst of the bunch (she did NOTHING, and, as ALT said, the styling completely carried her), I’m not too mad about Tatianna’s departure. Tyra had expressed frustration that Tatianna’s film was consistently bad, but that she’d luck out with one good shot every week. Apparently, Tyra didn’t feel like waiting for her luck to run out. Also, I think Alexandra has more potential, if she can overcome that crisis of confidence every plus-size model seems to hit in this competition.

It seemed like Tatianna was more interested in being a coroner than a model anyway. So another non-descript person goes home, while the Four Horsewomen of Obnoxiousness (Anslee, Alasia, Angelea and Brenda) remain. Yay.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is counterfeit merchandise REALLY the biggest threat to the fashion industry? Who was that mysterious fourth person in the tram with Nigel, Ms. J and whatever model was creepily hitting on Nigel? Finally, are you surprised that Andre Leon Talley has a cane? (I’m surprised we haven’t seen it until now.)

Lost: All You Need Is Love

“Through the Looking Glass” (the shocking introduction of flash forwards, Charlie’s beautiful death, “WE HAVE TO GO BACK!”) is my all-time favorite episode of “Lost.”

“The Constant” (the series’ most romantic and emotional episode) is in my top 5.

“Flashes Before Your Eyes” (“I’m sorry because…no matter what I try to do…you’re gonna die, Charlie”) is in my top 10.

“Happily Ever After” - the latest episode of “Lost” - was basically a mash-up of those three episodes.

So, yeah – I kinda liked it. But besides giving me a severe “Lost” geek-gasm, “Happily” was notable for finally forging a clear connection between the Island world and the Sideways.

I’m not one of those people who have been down on the Sideways world. As someone who’s seen every episode more than once, I found it fascinating to see the variations between each character’s choices in the original Island timeline and in the Sideways reality. More importantly, I have COMPLETE faith in this show’s writers. I realized they needed about 10 weeks to establish where everyone is in their Sideways iteration (once we get the Hurley episode next week, we’ll be done with the major characters), and that things would really kick into gear right after that.

That’s why it was a pretty pleasant surprise to get such a game-changing episode (seemingly) a week early.

Desmond has always been told that the Island wasn’t done with him, and we’ve always been told that the character is “special” and that the “rules don’t apply” to him, but I just want to know what Henry Ian Cusick did to/for the writers that they decided to consistently make him the centerpiece of some of the greatest episodes in the show’s remarkable run.

Other than a cameo at the beginning of the season premiere aboard Oceanic 815, and a brief appearance at the end of last week’s episode, we haven’t seen Desmond at all this season.

It turns out that Charles Widmore picked him up from the hospital after Ben had shot him on the pier, drugged him, and brought him to the Island against his will. Desmond wasn’t amused and proceeded to beat Widmore down with his IV feeder.

Widmore remained intensely calm and downright hospitable during his Island interactions with Desmond, which was surprising given how much he hated Des and how little he thought of him. I can’t decide whether it’s because Widmore needs Desmond to achieve his mission or because Widmore knows precisely what Desmond is going to have to do. (And it’s not pretty.)

There was plenty of talk of sacrifice. Widmore informed Desmond that he’d have to be willing to sacrifice, which made Desmond scoff because a Richie Rich like Charles wouldn’t know anything about sacrifice. Widmore shot back that he’d sacrificed his son’s life and any relationship with his daughter and grandson. I actually found this oddly comforting. When there was talk of Desmond making a sacrifice, I immediately assumed he’d have to give up Penny and baby Charlie. However, Widmore has already given up Penny and Charlie. To make Desmond do the same would be downright redundant, and I don’t think the writers would go there.

The reason Desmond was so important was because he was the only person Widmore knew that had survived a catastrophic electromagnetic event. (Turns out Simmons, the Widmore lackey who got fried in Widmore’s electromagnetic chamber, isn’t quite as special.) Charles strapped Desmond into a rickety chair that was reminiscent of the one in “Jacob’s” cabin, and appeared to zap him into nothingness.

The next thing we saw were fluffy, serene clouds, and Desmond checking out his reflection in LAX in the Sideways world.

After a helpful run-in with Hurley, and a brief (flirtatious?) scene with Claire, we learned a bit about Sideways Desmond. First off, he’s the kind of guy who gets picked up at the airport by slightly lecherous drivers. (In this case, it was Freighter radio operator and fellow time/consciousness traveler George Minkowski.) It turns out he’s Charles Widmore’s right-hand guy, worthy of drinking Chuck’s expensive MacCutcheon scotch and of receiving a hug.

Charles gave Desmond the very important task of picking up a very petulant rock star from jail and escorting him to his son’s bizarre classical/rock music for Widmore’s wife’s concert/charity event. Of course, the musician was Driveshaft bassist Charlie Pace, who we last spotted almost chocking to death on Oceanic 815 and continued his death wish ways by walking into traffic.

The two had a drink, and Charlie explained that he hadn’t been trying to kill himself. He’d spotted Kate’s U.S. Marshal escort, panicked and tried to swallow the drugs. Instead, the plane hit turbulence and Charlie almost died. In that near death state, Charlie had what he believed to be a vision of love involving an all-encompassing and rapturous blonde woman who disappeared when he was brought back to life.

Unfortunately, Sideways Desmond, the complete opposite of Island Desmond, had no use for love. Or did he? When Sideways Des was describing his jet-setting life, he didn’t seem too convinced that he had it all that good. I wonder if the character was always meant to have felt that unease or if it was a result of his more romantic Island consciousness being zapped into his brain via Widmore’s machine.

Either way, Desmond was driving Charlie to his gig, but Charlie decided he had something to show Desmond and made their car plunge off a harbor. As soon as I saw the car go into the drink, I had a dreadful flashback to “Through the Looking Glass.” (Oh no, it’s happening again – Charlie’s going to drown.) My mind went to how Mikhail got shot in the eye last week, the idea being that the character was always meant to wear an eye patch, no matter what reality he was in. I feared Charlie was meant to drown in whatever world he existed.

That’s why it was so exhilarating to see Desmond take a deep breath, and go back to rescue Charlie. Inexplicably, (almost as if he were possessed) the formerly unconscious Charlie woke up and re-enacted his “Not Penny’s Boat” pose, giving Desmond a jolt. That jolt got a lot stronger later at the hospital when Desmond was in the MRI machine, and he got flashes of his Island life. (Electromagnetism really does funny things to this guy.)

Another run-in with Charlie (after a brief stop with Jack) revealed that Charlie had been having similar inexplicably visions. The only thing left to do was for Desmond to find Penny.

But first, he had to break the news that Charlie wouldn’t be coming to Mr. Widmore’s allegedly terrifying wife. Eloise Hawking (now with poofy white hair) seemed to take it well, and was happy to get Desmond on his way. On his way out, he heard a “Penny Wilton’s” name on a guest list and decided to inquire. This is when Eloise got rapidly testy and shooed him away by telling him he’s not ready to hear the information that he wanted and that what he was doing was a “violation.” He had everything he wanted, but he STILL wanted more, she scolded. I was giddily reminded of the scene in “Flashes Before Your Eyes” where Eloise berates him for buying an engagement ring for Penny, because it deviated from his pre-ordained button-pushing destiny on the Island. Most provocatively, this all but guarantees the fact that Eloise Hawking has some working knowledge of the Sideways world and may even be behind its creation. (Maybe Charles is in on it too.)

Desmond was about to give up his Penny-finding mission until he was intercepted by a peculiar young man named Daniel Widmore. I love that, even in the Sideways reality, Faraday won’t take off that damn tie!

Anyway, Daniel informed Desmond that he’d had visions himself, of a beautiful redhead with striking blue eyes (I’m assuming he wasn’t visualizing her getting nailed by Sawyer) and that he’d written a complicated physics equation, which was weird because he’s a musician, not a scientist. Daniel also shared his suspicion that the reality they lived in was counterfeit and that he’d probably had a hand in creating that fake reality by detonating a bomb. (Damn I’ve missed the acting stylings of Jeremy Davies.)

Most helpfully of all, Daniel was able to tell Desmond where to find his half-sister Penny. It turns out she runs stadiums in the same place Jack and Desmond did their exercise in the Island world.

The wide shot of Desmond approaching Penny in the stadium was gorgeous and their introduction was sweet. Under normal circumstances, it’d be creepy to have a guy you don’t know come up and start talking to you in an empty stadium, but it’s almost as if Penny and Des intuitively knew they were lovers in another lifetime.

When they shook hands, Desmond had a “Constant”-esque consciousness trip and woke up on the Island with a clear head and a willingness to help Widmore. I mean, the guy didn’t even mind when Sayid killed a couple of guys, told Zoe to get lost, and kidnapped him. The Desmond at the end of this episode seemed to know exactly what he had to do on the Island.

So did the Desmond in Sideways world. He scored a coffee date with Penny (will they go dutch?) and asked Minkowski for a copy of the Oceanic 815 flight manifest, presumably to do for them what Charlie and Daniel did for him. I’m guessing his first stop will be Jack, since he knows the good doctor was on the flight, and he knows where to find him.

It appears as if the Sideways world, despite what the producers said about both worlds being equally viable, IS an alternate world to the Island reality. What remains to be seen is if each character’s ultimate mission will be to escape the not-so-bad alternate world or if this “Matrix” of sorts IS their ultimate destination. Then again, maybe it’s both. Maybe the ultimate goal is to take all their Island experiences and redemption and apply them to their not-perfect but mostly-better Sideways realities.

I also think it's remarkable that, despite all the scientific mumbo jumbo and religious Big Ideas, the link between the two worlds is simply love. (Desmond and Penny, Daniel and Charlotte, etc.)

So what’d you think of this episode? How long can you hold your breath? (Not as long as Demsond, I’ll tell you that.) What other direct examples can you think of the Island world bleeding into the Sideways world? (I’m thinking of Claire yelling out the name Aaron during her false labor, despite not knowing the sex of the baby.) Finally, where do you rank “Happily Ever After” on the list of best episodes of “Lost”?

American Idol: Didgeridoos and Don'ts

“American Idol” waited almost two whole years before revisiting the John Lennon-Paul McCartney songbook (we need new themes — stat!) and the results were…ok.

Sorry, but I’m still not doing backflips over this season. (What I’m doing more closely resemble lethargic, semi-competent cartwheels.) I’m so jaded that I convinced myself that they must’ve shown Paul McCartney footage from LAST season, which is why he was even able to muster up the faux-enthusiasm he did during his taped bit Tuesday night. (If they’d shown him footage from this season, he would’ve just walked away and ordered someone to hide his songbook.)

Still, I believe this episode was a little bit better than last week’s. And last week’s episode was a little bit better than the apocalypse before that. We’re trending in the right direction!

Things didn’t look encouraging when Human Ambien Aaron Kelly opened the night with a snooze-inducing take on “The Long and Winding Road.” Let me put it into terms Aaron (nicknamed Yoda by his fellow competitors) would understand: “Hopelessly bored, I was.” Oh well, at least he sounded really bad. (Oops.)

Honestly, the highlight of the whole thing was Simon’s epic eye-roll after he asked Aaron why he picked that song. I almost missed it because I was rolling my eyes at the exact same time.

After that, Katie Stevens won the Andrew Garcia Award, presented to the contestant who’s been so underwhelming, the judges trip over themselves to (over)praise them when they actually sing in tune. Ok, ok, so Katie deserves more credit for changing up the melody a bit and delivering her most assured and strongest vocal yet with “Let it Be.” (Which was definitely NOT country, Simon.) Mostly, I was happy that she decided to display human-like qualities on stage for a change.

As for Andrew Garcia himself, he took a gigantic step back. How corny was his cover of “Can’t Buy Me Love”? It seemed like a performance you would see on “Saved by the Bell” when the cast goes to a 50’s or 60’s-themed dance — except that Andrew was doing it in real life in 2010. (Ouch!) Fortunately for him, his performance was so resoundingly lame that no one called him out for sounding terrible.

Pouring on the corn syrup is one way to disguise iffy vocals. But you know what the absolute best way is? It’s bringing out a bagpipe player while you’re mostly butchering “Hey Jude” (Who knew?!)

Seriously, Lee DeWyze may be some kind of sneaky genius. I mean, who thinks having a bagpipe player descend down a perilous flight of stairs in the middle of a performance is a good idea? That’s kind of INSANE. That insanity, coupled with the personality he showed during his video packages this week gave me the indication that Lee DeWyze may actually be an interesting person. Maybe he can bring some of that personality on stage one week because if he’s going to revert to Semifinal Round-level flatness with his vocals, he’s going to need it.

Now what if I told you that the bagpipes were the second weirdest instrument featured on “Idol” last night? Crystal, ever the front-runner, saw Lee’s bagpipes and raised him a didgeridoo player (pictured, right) for her take on “Come Together.” Unfortunately, I wasn’t really feeling it. To me, Crystal seemed distracted and disconnected from her song for the first time in live performances. I also thought the didgeridoo was flat-out weird and didn’t add anything. This was the perfect chance for the judges to tear into her a bit (and defuse some front-runner backlash), but they blew it with their over-enthusiastic praise.

Speaking of being disconnected from a song, I actually thought Tim Urban did a decent job with his cover of “All My Loving.” He actually looked decently comfortable on stage, and the maniacal smiling was down 20 percent. (In fact, I’m thinking his fans may be lulled into a false sense of security.)

I also didn’t think Siobhan Magnus quite connected with her material the way she could have. I think she picked exactly the right (non-screamo) song in “Across the Universe” and sang it well. However, given that she’s one of my favorite contestants this year, I thought it should’ve been GREAT and it just wasn’t. Siobhan seemed a bit unsure of herself at times and the performance wasn’t dynamic enough. (Leading Randy to call it “sleepy.”)

After slowing things down last week, Michael Lynche came back with a decidedly un-sleepy take on “Eleanor Rigby.” Look, this guy is always going to be ham sandwich, but he’s a pretty good singer (giving us another solid vocal last night). More importantly, last night (for the first time) the drama was more in the re-arrangement and in his singing and less on his stage antics. Now, if only he’d stop challenging Simon to feats of strength.

Finally, there’s Casey James who FINALLY broke out of the 80’s karaoke bar ghetto and took a chance.

His slowed-down cover of “Jealous Guy” was compelling. His made a couple of mistakes with his vocal, but I’m actually willing to forgive that when a singer is reaching for some emotional depth. I was even paying attention to his guitar playing, which has been an afterthought the last few weeks thanks to his spastic electric guitar picking.

If he continues to take chances or finds a way to really rock out (instead of faux-rocking out) to the extent that you can on the “Idol” stage, he can be a contender. It would also help if he got a haircut that makes him look like a man.

So what’d you think of this episode? Which fringe competitor will step up to contender status next week? (Last week it was Lee, this week it was Casey.) Why on earth did they bring Earl on stage after his obnoxious booing? (You’re only encouraging him.) Finally, who do you think will go home? (I’ve got Andrew, Katie and Tim in the bottom 3, with Tim going home after his fans relax and assume he’s safe.)

24: The Silent (Clock) Treatment

The way I can tell that this season of “24” is getting really good is by how much I’ve been yelling at my TV lately.

The following (remarks) took place between 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. during the most recent two-hour “24” extravaganza:

“Look out Jack!” “Turn around Arlo!” “Shoot her, Freddie!” “Yeah, chokeslam her, Jack!” (Despite the last two remarks, I have to insist that I don’t have any issues when it comes to violence against women — I just REALLY hate Dana Walsh, pictured, left.)

The hour opened with 15 minutes to go on Samir’s deadline to utilize the nuclear rods in New York City. We’d seen from the previews that President Hassan was going to blind side Jack and turn himself over to Gen. Brucker’s mercenaries, who would then presumably hand him over to Samir’s men. Since we knew it was coming, I was happy to see it happen within the episode’s first five minutes. (Although all the Secret Service agents who sacrificed themselves trying to protect Hassan a few minutes earlier were probably annoyed.)

Although I correctly guessed that there was no way in hell the producers were going to dramatize a terrorist attack in New York City, the show still did a terrific job of making the minute-long countdown to the detonation incredibly exciting. Although Tarin still appeared to have his reservations, the show made it clear that, had Hassan not turned himself in when he did, the bomb would’ve gone off.

Of course, this was little consolation to President Taylor who literally slapped her treacherous chief of staff silly when she got the news directly from Jack. Taylor told Rob Weiss that he and Gen. Brucker would be charged with treason (I doubt it’ll be light treason). Weiss impressively stood up for himself and reinstated that, “New York is safe.” Well, the guy does have a poin…NO! You can’t do what he did, can you?! Sure, what Weiss and Brucker did was reprehensible, but was it really THAT much worse than, say, Jack killing CTU Head Ryan Chappelle in season 3 at a terrorists’ request? (We were probably more ok with that because we like Jack, and Chappelle was mostly an ass.)

Anyway, Tarin made the Hassan/bomb trade with the oblivious and hobbling mercenary Bishop, who was able to locate the bomb and get it disarmed. Jack got help from Chloe and was able to follow the SUV with Tarin and Hassan after hijacking a Honda Insight hybrid. (Even while hunting down terrorists, Jack is worried about reducing his carbon footprint.)

Right as CTU was about to ambush Tarin and rescue Hassan, he swerved and went into a parking garage, thanks to a tip from Dana. Obviously, I’ve ragged on Dana A LOT this season, but I have to spread the blame all over CTU. More specifically, I hate how dumb the writers made every single CTU employee for not figuring out it was Dana, given that she’s been acting suspicious the entire time by sneaking off and making personal phone calls (and by generally looking evil). I mean, Arlo had even confronted her about her shady activity a few minutes earlier!

Anyway, Jack intercepted Tarin’s SUV as he tried to exit the parking garage, leading to an exciting chase culminated by a terrific stunt that had Tarin’s vehicle flying off the roof and landing with a thud. Jack quickly checked the vehicle and found a dead Tarin, but no sign of Hassan. At first, I was confused as to how Hassan could’ve been transported to a new car with Jack right on his tail, but then I realized that Tarin had been in the parking garage for bit before he ran into Jack, and we never actually saw Hassan in the car with Tarin during the chase. The switch took place before Tarin even saw Jack. (Then I got to thinking as to how Samir got his people to that parking garage so quickly, but then my head started hurting so I let it go.)

I’m going to miss Tarin. I think T.J. Ramini took a stock character and did a lot with it. He was credible in moments of drama, action and romance. Hopefully, he’ll do good things in the future.

By this point, even CTU was able to figure out that Dana was the mole thanks to Jack recovering Tarin’s phone and tracing it back to our (least) favorite CTU analyst. Dana killed a few security guards and tried to make a break for it (if she had no problem killing security guards, why didn’t she just kill Kevin and Nick when they showed up to blackmail her?), but was eventually stopped by a vengeful Cole. I’m sorry, but even though Freddie Prinze Jr. isn’t doing a bad job as Cole, it’s still hard for me to take him completely seriously.

Anyway, Dana disclosed that she’d made a deal and was looking to get paid. She would only reveal Hassan’s location to Jack, because he was the only one who could competently lead such a mission. (Uh oh.) She asked for immunity and compensation, and Jack tried to strong-arm her. Dana stood up to him and forced Jack to make the deal. (Katee Sackhoff as a badass makes MUCH more sense than the actress as the weak, dim bulb analyst from earlier in the season)

Jack took Renee and a team to rescue President Hassan and appeared to make it just before Samir was set to execute him. Unfortunately, it turned out the Internet feed CTU and the president were monitoring was pre-recorded and Jack had gotten there too late. Jack took out Samir and his men, but also found Hassan dead with his throat slashed.

The way this entire sequence was structured was spectacularly tense. Having Jack fail in his oath to protect President Hassan (after successfully recovering the nuclear rods )will make for interesting drama in the coming hours. I mean, when Jack says he’s going to do something, he does, right? (Not so much.)

Most of all, I was surprised by how affected I was with Hassan’s death. I liked the character a lot in the beginning, but quickly became disenchanted with him when he became paranoid and weak. Fortunately, Anil Kapoor’s strong work helped the character rally and display excellent courage in the end. I felt terrible that he was gone.

However, there are still eight hours left. It appears as if the Russians (who Taylor suggested may not have been on board with the peace agreement) are coming. (If you recall, the season’s first Big Bad was the Russian assassin who tried to blow up Hassan’s car.) And so is former President Charles Logan. Strap in, it should be a fun ride the rest of the season.

So what’d you think of this episode? Have we seen the last of Dalia and Kayla Hassan? Were you surprised to see that Ethan survived his heart attack? (I thought he was a goner.) Finally, do you think there’s a Renee-related twist on the horizon? (The show seemed to be hinting at something when Jack told her to follow his directions and she didn’t look too thrilled.)

Dancing with the Stars: Story Time

So you know how the biggest complaint from the judges on this show (other than Carrie Ann and her lift fixation) is head judge Len Goodman griping about the use props and general “messin’ about” instead of dancing.

Well the latest episode of “Dancing with the Stars” actually encouraged the contestants to use props and generally mess about to help them “tell stories.”

To be perfectly honest, other than Jake and Chelsie’s incredibly lavish mummy-themed quickstep/production, not that much seemed out of the ordinary to me. (Which REALLY says something about how insane this show is.) Yes, I got the “stories” the couples were telling through their dance because they helpfully told us what they were going to be doing beforehand.

What I’m saying is that if the storytelling aspect of this episode hadn’t been hyped (or even mentioned) I probably wouldn’t have thought that anything was different because the couples often incorporate mini-stories into their dances anyway. Basically, I think it was kind of a waste of time. (Though not as big a waste of time as when the celebs “design” their pro’s outfit.)

Anyway, let’s talk about how the remaining 10 celebrities handled the quickstep, (non-Viennese)waltz and paso doble, in order of appearance.

Evan Lysacek and Anna: Evan’s quickstep telling the story of a man impatiently waiting for his woman (based on the experiences of John Ceballos) was my favorite performance of his. (And it took him to the top of the leaderboard.) Though he still needs to work on his footwork, everything else was stronger and his dancing was the most authoritative I’ve seen. He even threw in a cartwheel for good measure. All this was more impressive given the (apparent) fact that he has a few broken toes. (Sorry if I’m skeptical, but that injury is painful as hell — I’m assuming they were some of the less crucial toes and he was able to numb them up.) I was less impressed by his performance in rehearsals, where he often tries to be funny, but ends up coming off a bit awkward. Maybe I should’ve said that last sentence in a thick Russian accent.

Buzz Aldrin and Ashly: He’s still walking more than dancing, but his walking this week was the most graceful I’ve seen, so I think it was his best performance. When it was announced that he’d be playing Ashly’s father coming home from war, I said “more like grandfather” and my girlfriend Erica said “more like great grandfather.” That’s how it works — I say something mean, then Erica takes it to the next level. Also it turns out Buzz likes to film Ashly so he can learn the steps later on his own. RIIIIGGHHTT.

Jake Pavelka and Chelsie: If fellow reality star/non-performer Kate Gosselin had half his enthusiasm — she’d still be a terrible dancer, but at least a little piece of my soul wouldn’t die watching her. Jake showed some technical improvement during his “Walk like an Egyptian” quickstep, but he still has a way to go. He also has a ways to go in his rehearsal relationship with Chelsie, who dared display a little tough love to get Jake to maximize his potential. I’m guessing he’s still adjusting to not having 25 bobble head women bowing to his every whim. Also, why does Chelsie have J-Woww hair now?

Niecy Nash and Louis: The couple told the story of a “cross-racial” couple in the 1960’s, but it was obviously incredibly relevant to Niecy and Louis’ respective situations. The emotion in their waltz actually swept me up too in the beginning — too bad her misstep took me out of it. I actually think Niecy probably got a little too wrapped up in her character and took a step back this week technique-wise. Carrie Ann didn’t get the bittersweet ending, but I think Louis indirectly explained it later when he reiterated that, even in this day and age, not everyone is allowed to be COMPLETELY together: “Everyone should be able to get married.” I think he made his point without beating us over the head with it.

Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl: Although he acknowledged that his foxtrot last week was “bullcrap”, Chad didn’t let that deter him from hitting on Cheryl. Fortunately for him, the paso doble — really, the perfect dance for performers who are still a little stiff (and especially football players, who get to be imposing) — gave him the chance to do just that. Chad had encouragement from Two Amigos Jonathan Roberts and Tony Dovolani before he started, and delivered a vastly superior dance to last week’s disaster. I still think he can do considerably better. I went on NFL.com this morning and could not find the bolero jacket/jersey with Ocho Cinco emblazoned on the back. Please help.

Pamela Anderson and Damian: She’s a natural performer and a shockingly good dancer at times, but last night she was just off during her paso doble. To me, it seemed less that she couldn’t master the dance and much more that being in the bottom 2 last week messed with her head and she lost her focus. Oh well, at least we got to see her cleavage/maracas go head to head with Charo’s.

Aidan Turner and Edyta: I wonder how the conversation on how to edit out Aidan’s vomit from last week went. How much time did they spend debating whether using a black circle or pixelating the puke was the way to go? (They went with the pixels, which was hilarious because it looked like he was vomiting pixels.) Oh yeah, his quickstep this week — once Edyta came to life from the painting Aidan was working on, his quickstep was WAY too hoppy for my tastes. I think he’s in a bit of trouble this week. Oh well, at least he still has his adorable daughter.

Erin Andrews and Maksim (pictured, right): I’ve been a little tough on Erin, but her blindfolded waltz was her best dance so far! Psst. Allow me to let you in on a little secret — dancing blindfolded isn’t THAT big of a deal (from a technical standpoint) when you have a strong lead (which Maks obviously is). However, her solo work was undeniably strong and the blindfold both enhanced their performance (by adding drama) AND seemed to temper her control issues during rehearsal.

Kate Gosselin and Tony: Tony brought in an acting coach to help Kate access her emotions — and it didn’t really help. Her face was still the same off-putting mask that it’s been the first two weeks, only this time she stomped around the stage like she was Buzz Aldrin during her paso doble. (Buzz is 80 — what’s YOUR excuse, Kate?!) Kate danced to Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” because she hates how the paparazzi stalk her in real life. I’m not really sure why she was dressed as a movie star and walking a red carpet because Kate isn’t a movie star and doesn’t walk red carpets. At least Tony had the word “Press” boldly placed on his back, in case the clicking camera didn’t tip you off about who he was supposed to be. I think Bruno saying she looked like a “super bitch from hell” is the best compliment she’s gotten on her dancing this year.

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek: Most of the time I roll my eyes when Len starts chugging the haterade before he reviews the most talented couple in any given season. However, this time I’m totally on board. Nicole and Derek may have been on a boat, but that thing they performed was barely a quickstep. To be perfectly honest, I’m mostly annoyed at them because their “quickstep” would’ve made an excellent freestyle for the finale. What a gigantic waste! I have a sneaking suspicion their actual freestyle won’t be as good.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you surprised the show didn’t bring up the reported death threats against Erin Andrews? (I wouldn’t have put it past them.) Did Nicole and Derek tank it on purpose to lower expectations and reduce the sure-to-come backlash? Finally, who do you see going home tonight? My pick is Aidan.

Clash of the Titans Review

I’m not one of those people who act like someone pooped in their corn flakes whenever Hollywood announces that it’s remaking yet another classic film. (Except for “Singin’ in the Rain” — that should never, EVER be remade.)

Sure, the creative bankruptcy of the movie industry offends me. Other than that, I say have at it.

The way I see it, a remake is a good way to bring awareness of an older film to a younger audience that may not even know the original exists. More importantly, it’s not like the original film will cease to exist once the remake is released. (In fact, remakes seem to galvanize fans of the original and often wind up enhancing the older film’s reputation.)

All that being said, “Clash of the Titans” is, on paper, a better candidate than most to be remade. It’s not an untouchable masterpiece (yeah, not even close) so there was actually a pretty good chance that the material could be improved upon. On top of that, the stop motion animation from special effects master Ray Harryhausen was probably a bit outdated even when the original came out in 1981. With today’s technology, updating “Clash of the Titans” was not only not-sacrilege — it made sense!

That’s why it’s so disappointing that the new version came up short.

The new “Clash” follows Perseus (Sam Worthington), the mortal, demigod son of Zeus (Liam Neeson), who embarks on an epic journey to stop Hades (Ralph Fiennes) from spreading evil across the world.

Don’t get me wrong. There are some things to enjoy.

Obviously, the special effects stand out. The sequence where Perseus and his men face Medusa is terrific (as it should be). I also liked the intense sequence when Perseus is attacked by Acrysius (Jason Flemyng) and the rest of the men jump into the fray. (It had a touch of insanity that the rest of the movie would’ve benefited from.) I was less impressed by the sequence with the giant scorpions because it became all “Transformer”-y in that you couldn’t tell what the hell was going on and who was getting killed.

I’m also a big fan of talented and respected actors chewing the scenery and classing up big budget action movies, and “Clash” gives us Neeson and Fiennes. I thought Fiennes wheezy performance as Hades was more effective than Neeson who didn’t have nearly enough to do despite shining in his role as Zeus. (He literally shined as Zeus — the weird glow was the most memorable part of his performance.) Besides, Neeson and Fiennes, I thought Mads Mikkelsen (“Casino Royale”) did a nice job in the stock role of “Soldier Who Initially Hates Hero Before Grudgingly Growing to Accept Him.”

Speaking of our hero, I was a little underwhelmed by Worthington. He certainly looks the part and I actually liked that the actor’s Aussie accent snuck in there a few times, giving us a glimpse of personality that was otherwise lacking. Other than that, there wasn’t much there. As for Gemma Arterton as Io, a sort of guardian angel and love interest(?) for Perseus, I mostly wondered how the pale actress kept her skin from getting red in that hot sun.

I suspect Worthington and company were mostly let down by a script that was, at best, a combination of other superior films and, at worst, contained plot inconsistencies you could ride a giant scorpion through. (After toppling a statue of Zeus, why exactly were the humans celebrating? Hades showed up and decimated them, and there appeared to be 12 soldiers left in their entire army. Also, why did Acrysius wait nine months to kill his wife after finding out that Zeus had impregnated her? If he was so angry, why wouldn’t he kill her immediately?)

In the end, “Clash of the Titans” is a decent action movie that ends up being little more than a REALLY good looking episode of “Hercules” or “Xena.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

What can I say? I had low expectations going in and the movie met them.

Clash of the Titans…C+

The Celebrity Apprentice: Failure to Communicate

Is Rod Blagojevich the dumbest, most incompetent person in the history of the world or is he some sort of evil genius?

Now, if you’re looking at the picture accompanying this recap, you’re probably thinking that the word “genius” has no business being in the same sentence as the word “Blagojevich.” (He had his sunglasses on — his eyes could’ve been open!)

On top of that, the serial introducer (even when no one was around on the flight to Orlando, he said “Hi, how are ya” to the camera) has been the biggest non-Cyndi Lauper source of unintentional comedy this season.

But hear me out. Blago obviously has a big trial coming up. What if presenting himself as a computer-illiterate buffoon is part of his master plan to appear completely incompetent. (Perhaps SO incompetent that he’s not fit to stand trial.) It could happen right? RIGHT?! (Help me out here: I’m trying to give the people of Illinois the benefit of the doubt by not assuming that they elected someone with the mental capacity of a dim eight year old to run their state.)

Ok, you’re right — he’s probably just a dumbo.

And as of today, he’s a dumbo that will be sorely missed on this season of “The Celebrity Apprentice” because few before (and I suspect after) him delivered the (accidental) funny on such a consistent basis.

As Trump said a few times (he said a lot of things a few times — they were struggling to fill two hours last night), this challenge was all about communication. And Harry Potter. But mostly communication.

The project managers — Rod for RockSolid and Selita Ebanks for Tenacity — were whisked away from their teams and flown to Orlando so they could get first-hand intel for the week’s challenge: creating an interactive display to promote Universal Studios’ new Wizarding World of Harry Potter ride.

Selita was at a distinct advantage because she’s operated a technological device in the last five years. As a result, she was able to send her team camera-phone pictures of hard-to-decipher drawings and keep them posted of her activities. Blago, on the other hand, just learned how to answer his cell five minutes ago. If the challenge hadn’t been announced AFTER the project managers were chosen, I would’ve believed that Michael Johnson (who nominated Blago as project manager) deliberately set up the ex-governor.

All that being said, I actually agreed with the governor when he said that his lack of communication skills was probably blown out of proportion. To me, his biggest failing was that his trip to Orlando ended up being a gigantic waste of time because he got so many of the “Harry Potter”-related facts wrong during the interactive display and presentation. (More on that later.) As a “Harry Potter” fan, THAT was more offensive to me than him not being able to text.

Although it was painfully obvious Team Tenacity was destined to win, things weren’t all rosy with the women. Cyndi had tried introducing a dry-erase board that would outline everyone’s specific tasks (aw, she’s being all structured) only to be met with eye rolls from Summer Sanders and, especially, Holly Robinson-Peete.

That prompted Sharon to come to Cyndi’s defense by stating that they should be happy Cyndi’s there because watching the likes of Holly and Summer would be like watching “ice melt.” While I don’t totally agree with this statement — I think Sharon and Holly will be the last two women standing — Sharon was simply reiterating the point that “making for good TV” absolutely determines how far you make it in “The Celebrity Apprentice.” It’s why Cyndi survived week 1. It’s also the reason the Donald did everything in his power to not fire Blago.

After I saw the women’s display — loved the special effect by Summer Sanders, and LOVED the spotlight that came on when the wand chose each kid — I turned to my girlfriend Erica and said, “There’s no way the men won.” I mean, even Cyndi’s battiness was put to excellent use (“MUGGLES AND WIZARDS, MUGGLES AND WIZARDS!”) The only real problem I saw was Selita’s attempt at a busted English accent during her presentation — especially when Sharon (and her authentic English accent) was standing a few feet away. Oh well.

At least the men had fun with how horrible their presentation was. (It’s actually a microcosm of the season — the men are more entertaining, but the women end up winning.) Their display featured Goldberg doing double duty as the Whomping Willow (he almost passed out, and Trump mocked him for it, leading to a weird/tense moment in the boardroom) and the Sorting Hat. At least Goldberg got the name of the houses correctly.

As Bret broke it down for us, the men also had Headmaster Blagojovich (“Hi, how are ya?”) talking about “Hogworth” (instead of Hogwarts) and the different classes (instead of houses) like Ravencloth (instead of Ravenclaw). (I'm shocked he didn't say "Henry Potter" at least once.) There was also Michael Johnson as an “Evil Monk of Darkness”, Curtis Stone saying things like “I’m gonna let you use my wand just once” and lots and lots of fog. The whole thing looked like a cheap amusement park haunted house, which is actually what Bret was going for.

During the boardroom, Trump did everything short of telling Blago, “If you don’t bring Bret back with you, I have no choice but to fire you, and I don’t want to do that because you’re reality TV gold.” Earlier in the episode, I let the thought that Blago was crazy like a fox creep into my mind. I thought maybe he’d passed along all the responsibility to Bret knowing full-well that he could later cite Bret as the reason they lost and knowing full well that Trump did not want to fire him.

But no. In a weird display of misguided integrity (where was that during his time as governor?) Blagojevich flat-out refused to put any blame for RockSolid’s loss on Bret’s shoulders. Instead, he brought Curtis and Michael back to the boardroom because he didn’t like that they were sitting and eating ribs when he came back from Orlando (at least that’s my theory).

It’s just as well. I do NOT believe Trump would’ve fired Bret Michaels, even if Blago had brought him back to the boardroom. I just think Trump wanted to make the boardroom at least a little interesting.

If Bret had been a more boring personality, I could maybe see Trump pulling the trigger. However, on top of deserving to stay on merit, Bret is also CLEARLY the second most entertaining person on Team RockSolid. To me, it doesn’t make sense to dump someone who makes really good TV and is somewhat competent (Bret) in favor of someone who makes great TV (Blago).

Goodbye, Rod Blagojevich. I found it perfectly fitting that one of his last acts on the show was introducing himself to the elevator operator on his way out. The man may not be able to type a sentence or send an email, but he can sure as well introduce himself to people.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there anyone Bret Michaels won’t hit on? (This time it was Erin Burnett — do we even want him to stop?) Did you like the way that promo piece of paper looked when surrounded by those Gryffindor scarves? (Blago sure didn’t.) Finally, why does Holly Robinson-Peete act like her charity is more important than anyone else’s?

Project Runway: A Difficult Week

Tim Gunn sure earned his paycheck last night.

I don’t know about you, but to me it feels like the beloved “Project Runway” mentor hasn’t been as much of a factor this season. (Except for when Emilio is dissing him.) That’s why it was a weird pleasure to see him so much last night, even if he spent most of his screen time solemnly/gleefully announcing the departures/returns of designers/models.

If you watched any of the promos or have an Internet connection, you probably knew one of the designers was walking away from the competition. The reveal came relatively early in the episode, and the producers did little to hide the identity of the person who was leaving. In fact, they went WAY overboard with the dramatic music and close-up shots of Maya’s empty station, which actually made it seem like she’d been abducted on her way to Parsons.

So Maya Luz — the designer who never found herself in the bottom on the runway — was walking away because she didn’t feel like she was ready or that her point-of-view was as developed as it needed to be. (Cue Nina Garcia telling Maya a few weeks ago that her work was too “referential” of other designers.) This was a big surprise (unlike sleepy Daryl Strawberry walking away from “The Celebrity Apprentice” earlier this week). I wonder if winning a challenge (she came close a few times) during a stint on the show would’ve given her more confidence and caused her to stay.

Maya also cited the inherent pressure and stress from the competition. I actually think this is the sneakiest, most underrated part of “Project Runway” — it’s probably the most stressful reality competition there is. On top of that, it seems (I don’t have official stats in front of me) that the designers have been banging out more one-day challenges than ever this season. Seth Aaron echoed this sentiment in his defense of Maya by telling people, “Don’t judge” and “F--- off!” (Emilio “Mr. Sunshine” Sosa, on the other hand, said it was a copout.)

As a result, I’m bummed to see Maya go from the perspective that she had Top 3 talent/potential, but I won’t miss her terribly from the perspective that she wasn’t an incredibly compelling television character. Speaking of compelling television characters, Maya’s exit opened the door for the return of Anthony, who returned with a triumphant cry of “Here she is, boys!”

Anthony had some catching up to do because he was behind on the challenge, which was to create a red carpet look for an “opinionated” and “difficult” mystery celebrity. I was actually a little mad at myself or not figuring out that it would be Heidi.

During her visit in the workroom (it was weird seeing her there), Heidi particularly took issue with Seth Aaron’s dress (too simple), Jonathan’s painstakingly-made original fabric (which she compared to curtains — I thought it looked more like a couch) and Jay Nicolas’ butt-enhancing outfit (I had more of an issue that it was too short/edgy to be a red carpet look). Oh well, at least Jay Nicolas got a close and personal look at Heidi’s boobs when she insisted on showing him there was no space between them (though I doubt that sight really did much for Jay.)

Not surprisingly, those three joined Mila’s dress (the boobs, which everyone knows Heidi is obsessed with, were going in opposite directions) in an unofficial bottom 4.

That meant the top two were Emilio (who created the most conventional red carpet look, which also happened to be the most beautiful) and Anthony (who created a gown that moved fantastically, but had a color palette that reminded me of Two-Face’s suit from “Batman: The Animated Series.”) Emilio picked up his third straight win (his head is in danger of exploding very soon if they keep feeding his ego) and Anthony got to share in the glory because guest judge Jessica Alba (pictured, with Heidi Klum) adored his dress.

As for the people in the bottom, Seth Aaron and his funereal dress were spared first, followed by Mila, who inexplicably continues to doge the bottom two.

That left things between Jay Nicolas, whose outfit was more misguided than horrible and Jonathan, whose outfit was misguided AND horrible. Jonathan had freaked out after his consult with Heidi and abandoned his original fabric to create a second dress. When that didn’t work out, he created a THIRD dress from the remnants of the discarded second dress. It worked out about as well as you’d expect it to.

I did have to chuckle at Jonathan’s reasoning that the judges had been slamming his taste recently, so why not create something he thought was ugly. Unfortunately, it was simply Jonathan’s time to go. The bright side is he won’t have to endure any more of Michael Kors’ withering putdowns.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is Maya quitting really a copout? When did Seth Aaron become my favorite person on the show? (Even when his model left the competition, he just rolled with it) Finally, was Michael Kors right when he said that “no woman on the planet” wants dress or a piece of clothing that emphasizes her butt? (One word: Kardashian.)

America's Next Top Recap: The Lady is a Vamp

Vampires are SO hot right now.

Well, at least they were about a year ago, which gave the latest episode of “America’s Next Top Model” a distinct whiff of “out-dated” and “desperate.”

Then again, maybe the desperation I’m detecting is the usual odor that comes from sticking a bunch of volatile young ladies with the same goal in close quarters. That probably explains why the girls in this cycle range from “near mute” to “thoroughly unlikable.”

I mean, Anslee looks like she’d be in physical pain if she even attempted to smile, Brenda is still in the running (and an early front runner) for Wettest Blanket of 2010, and Alasia is a deadly combination of loud, annoying and photogenic (which means she won’t be eliminated any time soon). Things are so bad, I’m actually starting to enjoy Angelea (or at least the tentative way she stood quietly between Anslee/Alasia during their big blow up).

For all I know the likes of Jessica, Tatianna and Raina are perfectly lovely people, except that we would never know because they’ve gotten about 20 seconds of combined screen time. (Then again, maybe they’re secretly horrible people as well, and it’s all for the best.)

The modeltestatns attended a performance by the Upright Citizens Brigade improve group hosted by Leon Black (comedian J.B. Smoove). If you’ve watched this show, you know that acting/improve exercises are supposed to help the models with their facial expressions and with thinking on their feet, but I’ve never seen any sort of empirical evidence that they help at all. Oh well, at least we got to see Anslee washing an imaginary car in a paranoid way when a few of the girls were asked to perform an action with a specific emotion.

Anyway, the girls went back to the house and Brenda — who’d been complaining about her short haircut — received an even shorter, edgier ‘do that I was convinced was going to make her jump out of a window. It goes without saying that she absolutely hated it, but she didn’t hate it as much as I hate the fact that this girl complains about EVERYTHING — the length of her hair, the freaky white contact in her eyes, the thermostat in the house. (Ok, I made the last one up, but you just KNOW she’s that person.)

Brenda got to debut her new ‘do at Times Square, the site of this week’s Cover Girl challenge, introduced by Dania Ramirez of “Heroes.” I thought to myself that it was way too early in the season for a Cover Girl commercial shoot. (Then I thought to myself how depressing it is that I know that.) Either way, it turned out I was right — the girls wouldn’t be reciting/botching dialogue. Instead, they were supposed to convey the emotions evoked by the pre-recorded dialogue. Most of them ended up leaning on Model 101 moves, so Tatianna won because she was the only one who did anything remotely interesting.

Before the weekly photo shoot, we were treated to another confrontation at the house. The catalyst for the Anslee/Alasia showdown was frozen corn. (Seriously.) The argument was actually pretty run-of-the-mill until Alasia made a comment questioning Anslee’s mothering skills. Anslee’s reaction was akin to giving a trained, vicious dog the “attack” command. Anslee snapped and angrily slapped her palm on the kitchen counter and got all up in Alasia’s face. To be honest, I wish they would’ve taken a simultaneous swing at each other and gotten kicked off the show.

Mr. Jay (wearing only slightly more makeup than usual) showed up in an outfit that was probably supposed to reference “Blade” but ended up being “Matrix”-y to introduce the week’s vampire-themed challenge. The girls would be posing with a male model in a bloody bathtub. (The bathtub unfortunately ended up making the shoot look a little suicide-y.) They’d also be wearing contacts that would render them blind.

The best photos of the bunch belonged to Raina (intense and awesome again!), Tatianna (comfortable with blood) and Alasia (sigh). Still, the real winner was guest photographer Sarah Silver who was helpfully harsh on the models and gave them ultra-specific instruction. She was great and I hope they bring her back soon.

The worst picture of the week belonged to Simone (pictured, right, it looked like her right leg had rigor mortis) and that’s why she was eliminated. However, I still believe Anslee should’ve been the one to get the boot. Her picture was bland (has she had a good shot yet?), she makes excuses (she couldn’t hear Dania, the photographer was telling her to grab the tub), and she has a perma-stank face. Sure, let’s keep that person around and get rid of the smart, pleasant girl with more modeling potential.

Ugh.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why didn’t we see all the contestants do an improve exercise? Do you think Dania Ramirez is embarrassed to be known “from ‘Heroes’”? (Ick, get that stench off me.) Finally, how long until Nigel takes a swing at ALT?