Dancing with the Stars: "It's Like Having An Amusement Park In Your Heart"

“Dancing with the Stars” is back with its most controversial cast yet! At least that’s what I keep reading on the Internet…so it must be true.

Sure, almost all the questions coming into this season were focused on Chaz Bono. (What would parents tell their young children about the show’s first transgender contestant? Would the average kid really be able to tell that Chaz wasn’t born a man just by looking at him? Most importantly, why are parents afraid of speaking with their kids candidly?)

That’s why it was such a delight to see that the 13th season premiere was a refreshingly breezy, drama-free affair. I watched each couple closely and I found value in every single celebrity as a contestant…even the ones who looked like they were dancing with casts on both their legs.

Let’s get right to it and break each couple down — whether they performed the Viennese waltz or the cha cha cha — in order of appearance.

Ron Artest and Peta: Why wouldn’t Ron go by his new name, Metta World Peace, right off the bat? The “Vote 4 Metta/Peta” T-shirt practically writes itself. I hope he wasn’t waiting until next week to bust out the name change because he may not be around.

Even though I don’t understand why Artest was styled like Dennis Rodman for this dance, and even though his dancing was so bad that train wrecks shook their heads sadly when they watched it, I didn’t think it was a TOTAL disaster. Sure, Ron will never be a great dancer on this show because he’s just way too tall/big, but I saw hints of hip-action during his cha cha cha. More importantly, his apparent willingness to wear anything make him an ideal DWTS contestant.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: I’d somehow avoided watching even a single minute of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” until a few weeks ago, but the scene I did see featured Rob’s sisters and his mom bossing him around and demeaning him. (I’m told this describes all his scenes.) As a result, I wasn’t shocked to see the narrative of this week’s rehearsal footage was Rob lightly challenging Cheryl’s authority before Rob finally fell in line.

The good news is that Rob’s brand of atrociousness on the dance floor during his waltz was oddly endearing. The bad news is that he appears to possess zero musicality and Frankenstein’s monster thought he looked stiff out there. I’ll give him a slight pass because he’s not a natural performer, but I can’t see him lasting too long.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas: I honestly wish there would have been some way for me to bet that Mark Ballas would wind up with the season’s youngest or most athletic female dancer. That never happens. (The only thing that was less shocking was that Chaz Bono, the season’s buzziest contestant, would dance last.)

In case you can’t tell, my general distaste for Mark hasn’t gone away. And the “look at me” way he struck his pose right before they started their cha cha cha and his insistence on outshining his celebrity partner were both on display last night. It’s too bad. Kristin looks like she actually has some skills, but the routine was a little heavy on hairography and too light on dance moves, which I suspect she can actually pull off. (I promise I’ll do my best to put my bias aside going forward.)

Chynna Phillips and Tony: If we learned one thing from Cynna and Tony’s rehearsal segment is that, no matter where you are or who you are, watching someone get kicked in the groin is funny. Anyway, I think gentlemanly Tony is the ideal partner for Chynna, and their waltz was my second favorite dance of the night. I think everything (partner, dance style) came together perfectly for Chynna to have a strong opening performance, but I’ll be more impressed if she can pull off a strong Latin dance.

Nancy Grace and Tristan: I was a bit shocked by how mild of a presence Nancy Grace turned out to be in her rehearsal segment. (Maybe she’s perfectly normal when no one says the words “Casey” or “Anthony” around her.) Nancy was able to overcome her language barrier with partner Tristan MacManus (she speaks American, he speaks Irish…she says “third”, he says “turd”…let’s call the whole thing off) to deliver a shockingly delightful cha cha cha. Imagine how much better it’ll be if she actually moves her feet and arms next week!

David Arquette and Kym: I usually have some terrible pun as a title for my recaps, but I HAD to go with Arquette’s quote to Kym while they were dancing in rehearsal because it’s one of the loveliest things I’ve heard anyone say in a while. I like Sober David Arquette. He cleans up well. His waltz started off well before getting a little clumsy. Arquette forgot his face when he made a mistake, but I can see him cleaning that stuff up, channeling his energy in a positive way and lasting well into the competition. (At least long enough for ABC to slip in some overt “Cougar Town” plugs with Courteney Cox in the audience.

Elisabetta Canalis and Val: As soon as I saw Elisabetta and Val (Maksim’s brother) start their dance in a prop bed, I knew they were in trouble. (Did Val not get the memo that Len hates when couples “mess about”?) Anyway, the vigorous nature of the cha cha cha did little for the gangly Elisabetta, who was pretty much a disaster whenever she wasn’t in hold with her partner. Oh well…at least she got to be with George Clooney for a while. So that’s something.

Hope Solo and Maksim: Maks seems to have more fun when his partner can actually stand up to him (ala Mel B.) as opposed to when they curl up in a ball in the corner of the rehearsal room. (I think Brandy and Kirstie Alley may still huddled together crying.) Hope is both extremely hot and an imposing physical presence. Her opening waltz with Maks was good, but not great. The couple just LOOKS great together (especially when they were in closed hold), but Hope has the usual muscular athlete lack of fluidity. I think that’s correctable. If she can find a flair for performing, this couple will be around for a while.

Carson Kressley and Anna: I think we can all agree if “Dancing with the Stars” isn’t the gayest show on TV, it’s certainly in the discussion. However, even with all the sparkles and fringe, and even with all the openly (or presumed) gay contestants and pros on the show, watching Carson dance with Anna last night served as a perfect reminder as to why male ballroom/Latin dancers NEED to project masculinity when they dance. I mean, even Chaz was infinitely more masculine in his cha cha cha.

Fortunately for Carson, none of that matters just yet because he was a blast to watch. The standing ovation he got for basically doing a modified chicken dance and his completely charming rehearsal and interview segments tell me that he’s going to be a fan favorite. However, I’d like to eventually see some proof that he can actually dance. I have hope because he vowed that “no one will work harder to compensate for my lack of talent.”

J.R. Martinez and Karina: My favorite performance of the night due, in no small part, that he was pretty much the only contestant to both dance quite well AND work the crowd in an effective way. His waltz was an absolute pleasure to watch. I’d never seen this person before, but he’s funny, he’s got an inspiring back story and he’s a good dancer with room to improve. What more do you want from a DWTS contestant? Add in his sizable soap opera fan base. (Assuming it is sizable…I mean soaps ARE getting canceled left and right.)

Ricki Lake and Derek: I liked Derek and Ricki’s waltz more than the judges did. Ricki seems like a pretty capable dancer, and she’s got a strong choreographer as a partner. (A lot of the things I said about Mark earlier could apply to Derek…except that Derek at least goes to the trouble of making his partners look good.) I just hope that the “I want to lose weight”/ “I’m not your typical skinny girl” narrative she introduced last night doesn’t become a weekly thing. Sorry to be insensitive, but that’s always kind of a downer. Just go out there, kick ass, and the pounds will fall off!

Chaz Bono and Lacey: Despite fretting about his round, beautiful belly, Chaz was surprisingly light on his feet during the cha cha cha with Lacey. Chaz could be seeing practicing for this dance throughout the night with Lacey as the show was coming in from and going to commercial breaks and the extra work seemed to help. Chaz had some of the best solo work out of any celebrity doing the cha cha cha, but his partnering left something to be desired, which is pretty much the exact opposite of what usually happens with non-pros.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you digging the new, elevated dance floor or the grand staircase to the interview area? (Until someone goes flying off the dance floor and into a Kardashian’s lap, I don’t think it’ll be much of a factor.) Is it a coincidence that 3 out of the lowest 4 scores came courtesy of couples with new Pros? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I think it’s going to be Elisabetta. I mean who’s going to vote for her? Fellow, sympathetic George Clooney exes?)