NFL 2011 Week 1 Picks

Remember me?

I’m the guy who used to bang out about five columns/reviews/rants per week. Now I’m the guy who hasn’t written anything since July 1. (Will I write my “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II” review before it comes out on DVD? It’s going to be a photo finish.)

Anyway, I wasn’t going to let the 2011 NFL season kick off without giving you the chance to laugh at my sure-to-be-wildly-inaccurate picks. My picks to win are in bold.

NEW ORLEANS @ GREEN BAY

I’ve gotta take the Super Bowl champs opening their season at home and with all the guys who missed a significant amount of time due to injury last year jacked up and ready to go.

More importantly, the game marks a symbolic/monumental shift in my fantasy football life. For the past three years, Drew Brees has been my guy in my QB-centric primary fantasy football league. This year, I drafted Aaron Rodgers with the first overall pick. Drew took me to the playoffs three years ago, but we could never capture a title. I felt I had to shake things up. I’m holding a private, emotional torch-passing ceremony in my living room prior to tonight’s game if you’re interested in attending. Bring chips.

ATLANTA @ CHICAGO

The Falcons pretty much went all in for the short term, so they’d better beat up a Bears team that everyone thinks is lucky and that lost its big special team advantage with the new kickoff rules.

CINCINNATI @ CLEVELAND

Psst. Don’t tell anyone, but I like Cleveland and I’ve got them grabbing the second wild card spot in the AFC.

BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY

Chiefs QB Matt Cassel may or may not play, but I like their overpowering running game to lift them over the Bills.

PHILADELPHIA @ ST. LOUIS

The Eagles pretty much HAVE to face some sort of early-season adversity after making all that noise in the off-season, don’t they?

DETROIT @ TAMPA BAY

I like what the Lions have done in the offseason, but there are just a few too many teams on that bandwagon for my liking. (And a few too many people assuming the Bucs are just going to collapse this year.)

TENNESSEE @ JACKSONVILLE

How is that the Bucs can’t sell out their home opener against an up-and-coming team, but THIS turd of a game somehow won’t be blacked out? Not looking forward to being subjected to this crap-fest.

PITTSBURGH @ BALTIMORE

I know these teams REALLY don’t like each other, but is it really a “rivalry” when one team (the Steelers) consistently beat the other in the playoffs?

INDIANAPOLIS @ HOUSTON

I was honestly tempted to pick Indy, but then I remembered that the Texans usually do pretty well early in the year BEFORE collapsing and missing the playoffs/landing in the 7-to-9-win range.

N.Y. GIANTS @ WASHINGTON

You’re damn right I’m taking Sexy Rexy Grossman at home against the Giants, who will probably lose another defensive starter by the time I finish typing this sentence.

SEATTLE @ SAN FRANCISCO

Tarvaris Jackson vs. Alex Smith is just like tonight’s matchup pitting Drew Brees against Aaron Rodgers…only the exact opposite. Ugh.

MINNESOTA @ SAN DIEGO

I think Minnesota will be frisky, but the Chargers just have too much talent and too much to prove after blowing their winnable division last year.

CAROLINA @ ARIZONA

I think Cam Newton and the Panthers will be shockingly decent (like “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”)…just not quite yet. Can’t take the Panthers on the road against a decent team that finally has a competent quarterback at the controls.

DALLAS @ N.Y. JETS

Come on, Jets…you can’t blow the Sept. 11 home game, which will feature a memorial tribute. Wait, maybe that’s EXACTLY why they’ll blow it!

NEW ENGLAND @ MIAMI

The Patriots have had trouble traveling to Miami in the past, but that’s usually because the scorching hot weather kills them. Shouldn’t be an issue for a Monday Night game.

OAKLAND @ DENVER

The Broncos’ defense HAS to be better than they were last year. I expect a competitive, exciting game with a bunch of miscues. Should be fun.