The Shield: Hoover Damned

After what some critics called "the best episode of 'The Shield' EVER" last week, the show naturally (and predictably) came back to earth a bit last night.

Of course, there were still plenty of tense scenes and surprises packed into last night's episode, which featured the recently badge-less Vic's hunt of Shane, Mara and Jackson.

The fact that Vic seemed intent on hunting down and eliminating Shane AND Mara (but not Jackson, he insisted) was actually a bone of contention between Vic and Ronnie. Vic correctly surmised that Mara could hurt the Strike Team just as much as Shane, if she were taken alive by the police, because she knew everything he did. (The tightness of their relationship and how it contrasts with Vic and Corrine's relationship would be highlighted later.) Meanwhile, Ronnie had a real problem with killing a pregnant woman and orphaning a little boy — he's weird like that.

Of course, there was little Ronnie could do (other than relay any info he got to Vic) after Claudette "chained him to his desk" and forbade him from participating in the manhunt. The poor guy couldn't even get updates from Julien, who was back in a uniform alongside Tina (back from a long weekend). This seemed pretty harsh on Julien's part, but totally consistent with his by-the-book, don't-make-waves character that seems to care little about personal relationships on the job (for obvious reasons) and more about keeping his head down and advancing quietly.

The reason Julien was back in a uni was because Claudette dismantled the Strike Team (R.I.P. Strike Team). I get that she wanted to keep Ronnie in her sight (and away from Vic), but it still seemed like a bad decision given that criminals in Farmington haven't taken a vacation just because the police is looking for Shane.

Of course, I didn't mind that Claudette wanted to keep Ronnie around because it led to the excellent scene between the two characters where Ronnie "confessed" to the reason Shane wanted them dead. I love how deftly and convincingly David Rees Snell mixed fact and fiction in his interrogation, giving us the impression that this was a scenario Ronnie had already rehearsed in his mind for a while. Claudette is an excellent detective and pushed hard, but I think Ronnie was able to convince her. His smooth response was probably the opposite of the way Shane would've handled a similar grilling.

Not that Shane doesn't have moves of his own. The plan for his new fugitive lifestyle involved staying put in the city (and not attracting attention by moving around) and getting telephone updates as to what the police was doing from Corrine. Things didn't go too smoothly during the first phone call when Shane figured out that Corrine wouldn't use terms like "50-mile radius" unless Vic was there.

Vic eventually roughed up a counterfeiter and found out the fake name Shane was using. (Shane wisely decided to go with Shaun Hoover, instead of "Cletus Van Damme", his go-to alias.) After a visit to Shane's apartment he discovered the Hoovers had left behind Jackson's medication and almost caught up with them at their motel. He might've been there on time, but working without a badge threw some unexpected road blocks in Vic's way. It probably made him rethink melodramatically turning his shield in last week. The news that Vic wasn't a cop anymore also weirdly spread like wildfire through the criminal underworld.

Either way, he caught up with them as they left the emergency room and was going to take them out (pictured, left). Of course, Mara saved the day by telling nearby policemen that there was a man pointing a gun at them. The Hoovers escaped in the ensuing confusion, but the scene was still tense as hell. More importantly, the sequence also made me realize that, for whatever reason, I'm rooting for Shane to stay alive.

I'm not necessarily rooting for Vic to be killed, but I just know that I'm rooting for Shane to stay alive. Obviously, "The Shield" has shown us that Shane and Vic have done equally heinous things. But all heinousity being equal, I think I want Shane to stay alive because we've seen him display, at least, some remorse for his actions. We've also seen an unwavering commitment to and a willingness to sacrifice himself for his (screwed-up) family. Vic, on the other hand, has a hard time admitting (even to himself) that what he's done is wrong and has become increasingly isolated from his family. As my girlfriend, who is watching the show for the first time this season, said: "What kind of main character is he?"

We saw that last night after Mara (Michele Hicks really has been excellent) informed Corrine about Vic's attempted murder of her family. Corrine, now completely disgusted and horrified by Vic (despite making nice with his daughter), lied about the contents of the phone call and decided to stop helping Vic by telling him Shane and Mara wouldn't be calling anymore (also a lie). There's no way Mara ever turns on Shane in that way.

The Shane manhunt wasn't the only thing occupying the Barn last night. To be honest, I thought we were done with the Dutch/Lloyd storyline, but it made a comeback last night. We learned that Dutch was getting close to Lloyd's mom Rita in an effort to bust Lloyd. (Get yourself some boob, Dutchboy!) Unfortunately, Rita figured out what he was doing (no boob for you!), but became convinced Dutch was right. It's not that I don't find this storyline interesting and well-executed (it is), I'm just not optimistic about its prospects. Either Dutch eventually gets Lloyd to confess (we've already seen him nab a serial killer before), something terrible happens to Rita (big whoop) or Lloyd acts out again (oh oh). I'm just not thrilled with any of these options, and hope the writers have something good planned.

I was actually more interested to see that Billings had an ex-wife who despises him as much as everyone else does. I actually felt a little bad for the guy, who basically got pressured by his ex into eliminating a child molester who'd dared move into her neighborhood. The guy eventually got framed, and Dutch gave Billings a lecture about how that was wrong. Billings impressively shot back with a speech about how he's been indulging Dutch in his quest to catch a future serial killer. Let's hope Billings doesn't suddenly start becoming a crappy partner again when Dutch might need him the most in the near future.

Then there was Aceveda, who's become I.C.E.'s go-to informant since Vic turned in his badge. Pezuela brought along a new, powerful player during his latest visit to Aceveda and embarrassed the mayoral candidate in front of the new guy to assert his power. I.C.E. is excited about the possibility of a major player being in town, while I remain shockingly uninterested in almost anything Aceveda does these days.

I'm not into comparing shows with other programs because I prefer to judge each show on its own merits. However, "The Wire" did a MUCH better job of intertwining the police force and local government. "The Shield" isn't doing a bad job, but, for a while, it's felt like the show is straining to keep Aceveda (and Benito Martinez) in the mix.

So what'd you think of this episode? Where do you think Tina went on her long weekend? (The Napa Valley?) Have we already seen the last of Danny? (She's taking a REALLY long weekend.) Could Shane's motel neighbor have been a bigger dick? Do you really think Vic would have killed Shane AND Mara outside that emergency room? (Um, yes.) Finally, am I the only one worried that Dutch/Lloyd storyline is uncomfortably creeping close to "Lloyd 'accidentally' shoots Dutch" territory?

John's YouTube Debut

The Internet's most popular site featuring people making fools of themselves could only keep me away for so long.

Who knows why I decided to sing such a high song ("Kiss" by Prince) that I'd never performed in public before, knowing full well it would wind up on YouTube shortly thereafter? It was because I knew my friends and my (two) fans would be kind to me, right? Right?

The thing is, I'm not even a little drunk. This is just how I am.

So, in the spirit of my usual blog-writing style, what'd you think of this video? There are obviously no good parts, so I'll ask what you think the very worst part is? Finally, is there ANY way I could look like a bigger dork? (I see no possible way.)

Dancing with the Stars: Hip Hop Flop

Did we ever find out why Len took this week of "Dancing with the Stars" off?

Maybe he knew ahead of time that the latest installment would feature scattered performances (I like when there are two styles, as opposed to almost everyone doing something different) and a molten mess ("hot mess" wasn't hot enough to describe it) of a hip-hop routine which set hip hop culture back 30 years.

Lord of the Dance Michael Flatley filled in capably, bringing a strange calm to the usually hectic and absurd proceedings. Of course, most of the time, I was wondering if his legs were moving at a breakneck pace out of sight underneath the judging table, Riverdance-style.

Out of the successful performers last night I was most pleased to see Lance and Lacey have a good week and finally tap into Lance's potential. Sure, it was with a universally crowd-pleasing dance (the jive) and he needed a little nudging from N'Sync-ers Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick, but Lance still delivered. Bonus points to Lacey for choreographing a cool routine that included the slide move Lance fell on last time out. Here's hoping Lance can put together (gasp!) TWO good weeks in a row.

Brooke has had many good weeks in a row, but finally faltered in the judges' eyes, except in Flatley's because someone had to carry on the tradition of over-scoring her. We found out Brooke is dealing with an injured foot, so kudos for continuing on. However, Derek's rumba routine for her (intentionally) featured more posing (albeit beautiful posing) than actual dancing.

With Brooke's injury, Warren and Cody each had a chance to step up and each blew his opportunity. I definitely understood the story Warren and Kym were conveying in their rumba (about him being pathetic), but Warren's technique was off. Cody's technique was just fine. Unfortunately, it was for the wrong dance. An unusually sober-sounding and coherent Bruno rightly pointed out Cody's overly-intense samba looked more like a paso doble. At least he made the right call in not wearing that atrocious fake mustache. Unfortunately, it looks like he'll be without partner Julianne Hough (undergoing surgery for endometriosis). Then again, teaming with Edyta will surely give him the chance to ogle a new pro partner all over again. Ogling Julianne was probably starting to become a little stale for him.

Elsewhere, the judges and I continued our remarkable streak of not agreeing on Maurice and Cheryl. While I get what they're saying about their chemistry issues, I really enjoyed their Viennese waltz. I thought it was a huge improvement over Maurice's week 1 ballroom performance (that was the foxtrot). It was almost as big an improvement as Maurice without his mustache.

The straight 7s they gave Maurice actually surprised me as much as the straight 5s they gave Cloris Leachman. She's obviously not a technical wizard on the dance floor, but I feel like she's been dancing more and more over the last few weeks. As a result, Carrie Ann's comments — "We lost Toni for THIS" — were pretty harsh.

They were especially harsh given the fact that they should've been directed at Susan Lucci, who continues to lame up the dance floor each time out (and that Lucci was the one in the bottom two along with Toni Braxton). Not even an all-night session at a mambo club and yet another cameo from DWTS alum Cameron Mathison helped Lucci. Sure, she was moving faster, but she still appears to be dancing tentatively, appears to have negative body strength and is just the opposite of a natural dancer. She's pretty bad (how's that for technical analysis).

She was especially bad during the hip-hop routine, where she appeared lost. The rehearsal footage for the number — choreographed by the creatively spelled ShoTyme — was mildly amusing. I mostly remember Cloris Leachman taking it easy and eating burritos.

The routine itself was mildly disastrous with Lucci bumbling around, Brooke Burke looking like she just didn't want to injure her foot and Cloris hanging at the top of the steps near the back the entire time. Only Lance, Lacey, Warren and Derek really seemed to be into it.

So what'd you think of this episode? Did Chris Kirkpatrick contribute anything (I don't just mean to Lance's performance last night, I mean in general)? Who do you have going home (with those super low scores, we know who the judges WANT it to be) Finally, where the hell was Len? (Assuming he's not dead like Carrie Ann suggested when she looked to the skies.)

Heroes: Daddy Issues

Has there ever been a show that felt as busy as "Heroes" does, but didn't make you feel like anything was really happening?

I mean, there were certainly a lot of scenes, characters, action and even some forward movement involved in last night's installment "Eris Quod Sum" (which very roughly translates to "You will become that which I am"), but none of it made much of an impact. It feels like this season keeps building up to something big, but my fear is that once we get there, we won't even realize we've reached this volume's climax because the show rarely takes the time to slow down and catch its breath (that's why it's not a bad thing that the show is off next week).

The latest episode was bookended by Hiro and Ando consulting with the African precog before consuming some nasty paste and going on a spirit quest of their ow — sorry, I got bored just writing that sentence. If Masi Oka sued the producers for defamation of character for what they've done to Hiro this season, is there any way he loses?

In between, we delved deeper into the Petrelli family saga as Arthur (pictured, left) continued to get stronger and recruit people with abilities for Pinehearst.

Last week I wondered if a powerless Peter would be more interesting and the answer is "not really." We got another scene where he acted indignant toward a parent (this time it was dad, instead of mom) before he got "grounded." At least he provided some (unintentional?) comedy courtesy of his laughable escape attempt. His plan was to take the railing off the stretcher he was handcuffed to, hide in the corner and charge at his all-powerful dad. I can't believe that didn't work!

Sylar/Gabriel continues to be a lot more compelling as he escaped from level 5 thanks to a psychic push from his comatose mom and rescued Peter. Of course, that was before he was captured himself, persuaded by Arthur that Angela tried to drown him when he was a baby (we don't doubt this, right?) and threw Peter out of a seven-story window. Peter survived, but I felt like the show pushed the point that Sylar softened Peter's fall way too much for the benefited of us, the stupid audience. Once Peter questioned his own survival, we understood — by the time Arthur expressed doubts to Sylar about Peter's survival, it was too much, especially when you consider Sylar is likely positioning himself as a double agent with Pinehearst and needs Arthur's trust.

I also enjoyed seeing Sylar mix it up with Mohinder, who's been constantly tormented by Sylar. It was also kind of a kick to see Mohinder actually be able to fight back. Despite the fact that Mohinder is working with a shadowy company to find out the nature of super powered beings (again!), I like him at Pinehearst (and not at Central Park kidnapping drug dealers) where he might potentially have to work with Sylar.

The most interesting thing about the Petrelli story was that Arthur revealed his plan was NOT to give everyone abilities, as we saw in the future. That leads to the question of what Arthur's plans really are, as well as when and how they go awry. Ok, maybe that was the third best thing. The second most interesting thing was how Arthur coldly killed Maury, who actually showed he cared about his son (a little). Unlike Adam Monroe's death, which was quick and lame, Maury's death was quick but helped establish Arthur's character as a man who gives little thought to killing someone. The most interesting thing, of course, is that Arthur took Maya's powers away, which means we're pretty much done with her and she's likely to pack up her tank tops and be gone for good.

Not to be left out of the Petrelli family saga, Nathan (with Tracy) decided to pay his dad a visit after spending what seemed like a really long time in Mohinder's lair. H.R.G. (did he really need to tase that guy in the cocoon — hadn't he suffered enough) and Meredith stopped by to clean up the mess and set up a funny line from Tracy about Claire's three parents. I know the show can feel scattered at times, but I was actually enjoying the period when Nathan and Tracy were discovering their powers on their own, and I'm not really sure I want them involved in the Petrelli Family Drama (alternate title for "Heroes").

Claire had her own hands full after receiving a visit from an out-of-control Elle. The idea that some "Heroes" can't control their abilities is interesting and hasn't really been revisited since Atom Bomb Ted in season 1. The two had a brief fight, but I'm still not entirely buying Claire as a badass. I was actually more impressed by the fact that her brother Lyle finally did something cool (dumping that bucket on Elle). Hayden Panettiere and Kristen Bell are strong actresses, but I wasn't really buying their bonding session, especially within the context of the silly airplane scene. They decided to go to Pinehearst to cure what ails them, but after Peter fell from the building, Claire picked him up and took him to safety. Meanwhile, Elle decided to stay at Pinehearst — because if I see someone get thrown from a building window, I immediately want to go into that building.

It doesn't seem like Parkman and Daphne will be going into that building anytime soon, since they're presumed dead. Parkman used his power to trick Knox (who feels like he has to remind us he feeds off of fear every week) into thinking he'd killed them. After falling for Hiro's blood packet trick, maybe Knox's superhero name should be Easily Bamboozled Man.
This was after Daphne had hesitated to kill Parkman per Arthur's orders herself. Although I was strangely ok with Parkman being dead (his ties to other characters are flimsy at best), I thought his creating that illusion for Knox was a neat little twist. However, the idea that Daphne is still really working for Arthur was one twist too many.

So what'd you think of this episode? Does Meredith have to do the little fireball-on-her-palm thing every time she enters a room? Why does Mohinder want to keep his powers (at the expense of his complexion)? Finally, what do you think Arthur is really up to?

Desperate Housewives: Five-Year Plan

Well we knew this episode was coming.

As soon as the show's action jumped to five years in the future, we knew we'd get the inevitable episode that helped fill in that gap. I'm only surprised the show's creators and ABC didn't make an even bigger deal out of this. I mean they didn't even wait till November sweeps.

Another thing that was surprising — how great the episode was!

Last night's installment managed to answer some questions we've all had about the time-jump in a way that helped explain certain characters' present behavior. More importantly, the episode didn't compromise the current season's forward narrative momentum one bit. Just because we were looking back didn't mean everything else had to come to a complete stop.

I knew this episode would be a winner right from the clever opening sequence, which featured each of the Wisteria Lane couples in various states of conflict and culminated with Mrs. McCluskey attacking Dave with a baseball bat. Eventually we were shown the cause of all this craziness, but structuring the episode in which we look into the past by opening with the climax was a brilliant move.

Since there was so much great stuff last night, let's get the not-so-great stuff out of the way. I don't feel like we learned anything new or surprising about Susan and Jackson.

From the start of the season, it was apparent that Jackson was more into Susan than vice versa. Last night we saw how Jackson came over to paint Susan's house (not a metaphor) shortly after she'd expressed second thoughts about her divorce to Mike (not surprising) and both agreed to keep their relationship casual. Unfortunately, Jackson's hair isn't the only girly about him. Back in the present, he was asking Susan if he could move in and pressing her for a commitment (my girl Erica called him a girl first, not me). Susan, obviously afraid to lose someone again, couldn't commit and the two apparently went their separate ways, though I'm pretty sure we haven't seen the last of Jackson (or his girly bangs). Maybe he can kiss Katherine some more.

I've been complaining that the show hasn't given Dana Delaney anything to do this season (after she graciously saved this show last year). Apparently, most of her accomplishments have come off-screen as we learned that Katherine was the one who helped put Bree back together after Mrs. Van De Hodge fell apart and hit the bottle while Orson was in prison. The hangover scenes Bree were, both, funny and sad because Bree is usually so well put-together.

In the present, Orson couldn't understand why Bree was so insistent on sparing Katherine's feelings at the party by not announcing Orson's partnership (which was always a bad idea). Orson's plan to announce the partnership to passive-aggressive Katherine at a party where she wouldn't make a scene was funny, and I felt for the guy, who's had a rough go of it. However, he took it too far when he threatened to divorce Bree, and I was glad to see these two very proud people actually communicate with each other. Once Orson understood what Katherine had done, he backed off and let her decide when (and if) he'd be fit to become partner. Meanwhile, the audience got an explanation as to why Katherine was so (oddly) violently opposed to Orson becoming a partner last week, but it still doesn't explain why Bree was so willing to toss Katherine to the wayside professionally earlier this year.

By contrast, we've always known that Tom is an overgrown kid, so I didn't really think his midlife crisis-y behavior (convertible, pizza place, garage band) needed an explanation. We still got one after we found out Tom had nearly died after an electrical accident at Scavo's. The accident inspired Tom to seize the day.

I've been pretty harsh on Lynette in this column for being a huge buzz kill the last couple of weeks, but Tom's decision to sell the pizza place (without consulting her), buy an RV and travel across the country was too much. I was 100 percent on her side last night when she pointed out the impracticality of chasing all his childish dream (she didn't even mention how selfish it is). She was also right on point when she said that the pizza place WAS his dream, and he can't chase something else every time he's bored. It's one thing to jam out in a band from time to time at your house, but it's another to uproot your entire family because you're getting old. It's too damn much.

Meanwhile, there were WAY too many funny lines courtesy of Gabby (involving her period, doctor slapping, bionic sperm and blind piano playing) after she feared she'd gotten pregnant with her third child. It wasn't exactly a surprise to find out that Carlos had lied to Gabby about having a vasectomy. The only problem I saw with this storyline was that Carlos' now-signature sappy speech at the end about wanting a boy rang hollow given the fact that what he did was COMPLETELY f---ed up!

Also falling into the "COMPLETELY f---ed up" category was Dave (pictured, right) setting Mrs. McCluskey up to be sent to a nursing home. We knew this was coming after he brought the idea up to Edie a few weeks ago. Still, the scene after Dave broke into her house, moved stuff around and caused Mrs. M. to act crazy in front of everyone was excellently played by Kathryn Joosten (looking sad, confused and lost — not what she usually plays on this show) and Neal McDonough (that creepy smile in the middle of her freakout was great).

The crazy thing is that I actually believed Dave when he told McCluskey that he was sorry for what he did. I actually believe that he didn't have anything personal against her and only did what he did because she was threatening to keep him from accomplishing what he came to Wisteria Lane to do.

So what'd you think of this episode? Am I the only one who kinda forgot about Bree being an alcoholic? Is the show going to do ANYTHING with Bob and Lee other than occasionally deliver gay-themed jokes with phrases like "cavity searches"? Finally, how many boob jokes could YOU have gotten from Edie's dress?

NFL 2008 Week 8 Picks

I finally had my breakthrough with these picks (11-3 week, 60-42 overall), so as the season nears the halfway point, let's see if I can keep this party going.

(Probably not, but I'm still gonna give it a shot.)

TAMPA BAY @ DALLAS
Dallas is falling apart at the exact same time the Bucs seem to be playing their best ball. If the Cowboys actually had heart (or even a competent head coach), I'd pick them to beat a good team at home and stop their slide toward disaster.

WASHINGTON @ DETROIT
Detroit is only the second most hopeless team in the league right now, but I still think they'll lose to the Skins, despite the fact that Washington has played down to their competition the last two weeks.

BUFFALO @ MIAMI
The Bills are probably feeling a little too good about themselves after beating the Chargers, while Miami must be pretty angry after losing to the Ravens. I like the fish (or mammals or whatever) at home.

ST. LOUIS @ NEW ENGLAND
The Rams are probably feeling a little too good about themselves after beating the Cowboys' brains in, while New England must be pretty angry after losing to the Bronc — oh wait, they ALSO beat someone's brains in. No one's going to be complacent here. Hmm. I'll go with New England because, um, they're a better team despite the fact that they're down to the ninth running back on their depth chart.

SAN DIEGO @ NEW ORLEANS (AT LONDON)
Last year we ended up sending England the eventual Super Bowl champions (the Giants), though no one could've imagined it at the time. You think anyone has the Saints in the Super Bowl at this point other than a couple of crackpots? Right now the Chargers are a better team, but I'm taking the Saints because I can't pass up a chance to mess with Chargers fans.

KANSAS CITY @ N.Y. JETS
I'm taking the Jets even though they're coming off a loss to the Raiders and may be without their two starting wide receivers. THAT'S how bad Kansas City is. Remember when I called the Lions the second most hopeless team in the league? Congratulations K.C., you and your third string QB are now the most hopeless team in the league. Herm Edwards will have to get his revenge another day.

PHILADELPHIA @ ATLANTA
Yes, Atlanta is good, but I still can't shake the feeling that they're playing over their heads. I also can't shake the feeling that Philly will blitz young Matt Ryan's brains out.

OAKLAND @ BALTIMORE
Is the best player on the Raiders their kicker, Sebastian Janikowski (pictured, left)? Whenever the possibility that the kicker is the best player on your team exists, I'm going with your opponent to win.

ARIZONA @ CAROLINA
The division-leading Cardinals have been impressive, but I was even more impressed with the way the Panthers shut down the high-powered Saints offense last week at home. In a related story, it's still weird to write the phrase "division-leading Cardinals."

CLEVELAND @ JACKSONVILLE
If there's a team that gets less attention than the Jaguars, please let me know. I mean, I haven't even heard about any of their players contracting a staph infection lately. Do something interesting, Jags!

CINCINNATI @ HOUSTON
Cincinnati's pretty hopeless, but still not as hopeless as the Chiefs. Sorry. (Or "congratulations.")

PITTSBURGH @ N.Y. GIANTS
It's the game of the week with two of the best teams in their respective conferences. Pittsburgh is dealing with lots of injuries, while the Giants have yet to play anyone that's any good (Washington in week 1 before they had a two-minute offense doesn't count). I see a lot of big plays being made, but I see Ben Roethlisberger and Pittsburgh making more of them.

SEATTLE @ SAN FRANCISCO
Seattle is still terrible and San Francisco will have that inevitable "we just fired our coach" boost. It's a miracle every coach isn't fired after three straight losses.

INDIANAPOLIS @ TENNESSEE
Indianapolis always seems to win the game they need to win to keep their playoff hopes alive. Except that I don't see them doing it this time. I see the Titans running all over them and beating them up. They can save their season next week.

America's Next Top Recap: European Union

Was anybody really asking for a sequel?

I mean after sitting through "Boo Hoo: This Competition is Hard Because I'm European", starring Marjorie, did we really need a part II? Either way, we got one as last night's (not)spectacular sequel featured twice the amount of whining and twice the amount of Europeans!

On a bus ride home, Elina jumped into the fray and joined Marjorie (pictured, right with Elina) in complaining about how the judges (which include Europeans Nigel and Paulina) and, more specifically, the other girls don't understand how tough the competition is for them because they're not European.

While the rest of the girls could've been a little more sensitive, you can't really blame them for their exasperated, exaggerated eye-roll of a reaction, since they've been watching Marjorie act out this movie for a while. As a result, I'm on the side of Samantha and Sheena (USA! USA!) in that Elina and Marjorie just need to shut it and suck it up. I actually think both of them have what it takes to win this thing. Their complaints are even more maddening when you consider neither one had been in real trouble up to that point, which just makes them sound whiny. Also, their European-ness only appears to be a problem when they perform poorly in a challenge or photo shoot.

I have to say though, as far as contrived drama goes, this was pretty entertaining. The highlight for me was the "tense" moment in the kitchen when Sheena came in to grab something to eat, while Elina stood there silently snacking and neither acknowledged each other. Genius.

The contrived drama wasn't even necessary in an episode that featured one of my favorite yearly "Top Model" traditions. No, not the Aswirl Twins (ick) — the Cover Girl commercial shoot!

Before that, the girls did endure a session from the twins and a visit from Boy George lookalike David St. James, who introduced this week's challenge. The girls would be modeling clothes while covered head to toe in green screen fabric, making them invisible on screen and making the clothes appear to float.

On top of being super cool, I thought the challenge would be a great way to objectively see which of the girls had the best moves. It was also pretty hilarious seeing them all backstage and talking to each other in their green outfits.

Unfortunately, they failed to deliver the goods. Sheena was too hyper, Joslyn was too strippery (continuing her downhill slide) and Marjorie didn't realize the top of her dress had slipped off, revealing invisible boob. In the end, Elina swayed her arms around semi-gracefully, was named the least worst and won the challenge, bringing Marjorie and Analeigh along with her to holiday-themed Seventeen Magazine photo shoot.

Back at the house, Sheena and some of the others had sipped some Haterade and chastised Elina, an atheist, for participating in a Christmas-themed photo shoot. I had Sheena's back before (USA! USA!), but here she's just dead wrong. The holiday shoot is just another job for Elina and her personal beliefs don't really have anything to do with it.

Later, the girls met up with Mr. Jay and last cycle's winner Whitney, who was at the Cover Girl commercial shoot for a reason yet to be determined. Still, it was good to see her and her "surprise" reveal (sitting in a beach chair in a bikini with her back to the girls while talking to Mr. Jay) was appropriately silly.

Despite the fact that the girls had it easy this year on the commercials (they got to speak English AND use teleprompters), only a few stood out.

The judges rightfully lavished praise on Analeigh, who made the controversial decision of actually using her product on camera instead of just holding it up. Sheena also exceled and probably would've had the best commercial out of almost any other cycle if she weren't in this cycle with Analeigh. Both of the girls' personalities shone through in a way we don't always see in their pictures.

Meanwhile, Mckey was completely forgettable and tried to go down the wrong flight of stairs, and Samantha's was clumsy, but likable.

As for Elina and Marjorie, I felt a bit bad for both of them. Marjorie's was hopelessly awkward to watch, though, if you close your eyes, sounded pretty good. She could be a good model on TV for people who watch commercials from the other room. And poor Elina doesn't even realize she's doing the controlled thing that she still can't help doing.

In the end, the judges sent home Joslyn for her fake, over-the-top delivery and the fact that she's been on a steady decline for a few weeks. They still praised Joslyn for working while she was ill (and vomiting on camera, ick), while still managing to complain a LOT less than Elina and Marjorie.

Although we all knew Joslyn was going home and not Elina, I have to admit — Tyra totally got me with her fake-out elimination. She told Joslyn that "this was something she would survive." Unfortunately, she was talking about surviving her elimination, not her poor performance. I also thoroughly enjoyed the audible pleas for Elina to go home from Samantha and Sheena (who totally won that wooden clog challenge).

So it's off to Amsterdam for the girls! Do we think the word "Europe" will come up?

So what'd you think of this episode? I know she had mentioned that her mother was Russian, but why did Elina decide to start identifying herself as a European (and stop identifying herself as bisexual)? This a reality show, damnit — you can only be one thing? Was Analeigh's Cover Girl commercial the best ever? (Um, yes.) Finally, who ya got in a fight? Sheena or Elina?

The Shield: On the Run

Wow.

So you remember how two weeks ago, I said the episode where Vic and Ronnie set Shane up to be murdered was the best episode of "The Shield" in years? Last night's ep, "Parricide," kinda blew that one out of the water.

Wow. There were almost too many moments to count which gave long-time "Shield" viewers (and maybe even some newbies) chills.

Let's start at the beginning. The episode didn't waste any time enacting the plan Shane (pictured, left) put into place at the end of last week's hour (and 6 minutes).

Two-Man was to kill Ronnie, so that it looked like he was taking revenge on him for the beating Ronnie gave him last week. The one wrinkle I didn't see coming was that avid Georgia Bulldog fan Shane was working hard to establish that he was at home with Mara during Ronnie's shooting because he was planning to take Vic out at the exact same time.

If I had one problem with last night's episode it was the fact that Two-Man was a spectacularly terrible shot (what kind of self-respecting banger is he?) and missed Ronnie completely, but DID manage to graze his date and throw a solid cockblock in the process. Ronnie phoned Vic right before Vic walked into his apartment to have his face blown off by Shane.

The rest of the hour (and the rest of the Farm) was dedicated to tracking down Two-Man and proving he did the shooting. While this show usually has some excellent B-storylines, I was happy to see the overwhelming focus of the episode fall on the Shane/Two-Man storyline (nice job out of Billoah Greene as Two-Man).

I mean, the episode DID have a B-storyline (Vic's church errand for Pezuela), but it mostly existed to convey that Pezuela is getting jittery thanks to pressure from his cartel. I also enjoyed the brief moment where Aceveda, after being offered Pezuela's support and going to I.C.E. with the information, was told by Vic with a smile that if Pezuela wanted to kill him, Vic would be the guy he'd send. I also didn't pay much attention to Vic angling for a job with I.C.E. once his days at the Barn were done because there was no chance in hell that was every going to happen. And that was even before Vic turned his badge in — but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I've raved about Walton Goggins' performance almost ad nauseum, but he was brilliant again last night. Watching him scramble to recover the murder weapon that could convict Two-Man before anyone else did, and silently hoping he would keep his mouth shut was fantastic and tense as hell. We've seen Vic expertly scramble like this time and time again, but Goggins' gave Shane's actions a heavier touch of desperation.

After dodging Julien and Claudette at various times, Shane thought he was in the clear after recovering the murder weapon and after Dutch and Billings' interrogation yielded nothing (and this was with Billings TRYING!), but, Vic, as usual, had a trick up his sleeve. He used the information he learned last week to trick Two-Man into believing some of the women he'd beat up had given him up.

As Two-Man was about to confess, I LOVED the way the camera lingered on Shane as he slithered away from the observation room. The sequence with Two-Man detailing Shane's plan, and Shane desperately trying to get away was fantastically edited. In the end, Shane slipped out before Vic, Ronnie and the other could stop them. And you know what? I was happy he got away. I don't know what that says about me — that I'm rooting for the guy who killed a close friend, and conspired to kill his two other closest friends — but I like that this show can make us feel for a guy like that.

But that was just the first moment that gave me chills.

Like many other "Shield" fans, I've never been a fan of pain-in-the-ass Mara. However, it was still striking to see her turn up at Corrine's door and lay down everything Vic, Shane and the Strike Team had done.

Cathy-Cahlin Ryan, not exactly a fan-favorite either, probably had her shining moment in the entire series when Corrine confronted Vic and Ronnie about what they'd done and laid down the law. Maybe when she leaves Vic, she can stay in the "I'm Running from Mackey Inn" with Danny and Lee.

I thought Vic and Ronnie's reactions to Corrine's accusations (Terry's murder, the Armenian money train) were perfectly indicative of those two characters. Ronnie avoided eye-contact in shame, while Vic didn't deny what they'd done, but STILL couldn't exactly admit (and, by extension, take responsibility for) what he'd done.

With Claudette promising to keep him chained to the Barn to avoid any vigilante stuff, Vic turned in the badge he's been fighting desperately to keep all these years to go after Shane.

Wow.

So what'd you think of this episode? Who's going to play centerfield for the Barn's softball team now? Will Aceveda do anything interesting before the end of this season? How long until Vic catches up with Shane? Finally, was this the best episode of "The Shield" this season or the best episode of "The Shield" EVER?

Dancing with the Stars: Trying New Dances Four a Change

Last night was probably the most uncomfortable night in recent "Dancing with the Stars" memory.

The dancers mostly looked out of sorts with the new styles and appeared visibly uncomfortable for most of the evening. And that was the pros! So you knew it had to be awkward for the celebrities.

Despite the fact that the show didn't really NEED to introduce four new dances — I'd rather the celebs work on perfecting the ones that are already a part of the show — I was looking forward to seeing the four new styles on the show. I know they say, "If it ain't broke don't fix it", but I'm of the mind that there are usually improvements that can be made. That's probably why I keep tinkering with my 6-1 and 5-2 fantasy football teams. (Yes, this is probably the only DWTS recap that will reference fantasy football this year.)

Still, after last night's performances, I'd be surprised if we saw the salsa, Jitterbug, West Coast Swing or hustle outside of a results show.

Of course, not everyone struggled. Brooke Burke rocketed to the top of the leader board with a 29 and another top notch performance — this despite the fact that her pro partner Derek had to look up "how to do the jitterbug" on the Internet. (Full disclosure: I once looked up "Jive" on the Internet, but I looked at videos, which seems like a better idea.) The judges (as usual) LOVED Brooke's performance, but I was frankly more impressed with Derek's hair. This had to be the most subpar 29 in the history of this show. I know that scoring is relative to the people competing in a season, but Brooke's jive wasn't any better than Kristi Yamaguchi's seventh-best dance.

From a technical standpoint, the dance of the night belonged to Cody and Julianne (pictured, right), who also performed the jitterbug. It was a lot like Brooke and Derek's — only more interesting and with more charisma and fun. (The audience agreed, loudly booing the judges). A few weeks ago, I made a list of the people that could win this competition and I left Cody and Julianne off. If he can shore up his ballroom technique to match his effectiveness on the more disciplined ballroom dances, he could be a real contender.

From an audience standpoint the dance of the night belonged to Warren Sapp, who performed the hustle. I loved the way he traveled across the dance floor and his side-by-side moves with Kym. The big fella bounced back from last week's meh samba and brought the audience to its feet.

Then again, they may have just been snapping awake after Susan Lucci's snoozer of a hustle. Sure, it was cool to see that Lucci was actually in Studio 54 when the dance was popular (even if her current boobs weren't), but her dancing, once again, was too WAY too careful and dainty and the judges called her out on it. For extra fun, her partner Tony apparently thought it'd be a good idea to choreograph the dance in slow motion. I seriously thought I'd pressed the "Play" button on my DVR twice, which makes the TV go in slo-mo.

Still, the biggest disappointment of the evening had to be Lance and Lacey's West Coast Swing routine. I mean, it seems like the whole point of doing West Coast Swing on the show is to showcase one of DWTS' new pros! Instead, the judges slammed Lacey for showcasing herself at the expense of Lance, setting a tone of awkwardness for the rest of the night. Never mind the fact that, in West Coast Swing, the guy is naturally stationary as the girl twirls around.

I just didn't think that Lacey's "showcasing" of herself was any more egregious than what other pros have done in dozens of other performances. Sure, Lance is more talented than other celebs the pros have had to "hide" with their choreography, but I still didn't think it was a big deal. I was more disappointed by Lacey's song choice and uninspired routine. The fact that the best part was when Lance fell by accident is not a good thing.

Toni's trip to the West Coast wasn't too much better. She expressed a desire to break out and whenever a shy celeb does that, they almost always lay an egg. Bruno nailed her for moonwalking in the middle of her performance, but I was mostly bothered by the fact that Alec TOTALLY did a generic, ballroom-lite routine and tried to pass it off as swing.

Meanwhile, I've yet to agree with the judges on Maurice. His fun samba routine last week was, by far, my favorite. This week, his salsa had good energy, but was the opposite of hot and featured only adequate hip action. Of course, it earned a 27 from the judges. Huh?! Maybe they just gave him the high number for enduring Cheryl's wrath during rehearsal. She was frustrated at having to teach a dance she didn't know, but that doesn't mean she had to take it out on Mo!

By contrast, Cloris' dancing was partially a complete disaster, but much more entertaining to me than Maurice's salsa. For the first time, Cloris fused the "I'm actually trying" and "completely bats--t" crazy aesthetic of her "dancing" equally. The result featured some more uncomfortable boob grabbing from Corky in between some actual salsa moves.

That being said, I think Cloris is going home today. Or maybe I'm just hoping she goes home so we don't have to see her attempt a group hip hop routine next week.

So what'd you think of this episode? Could Brooke, Toni or Susan have any less personality on the dance floor? (Combined, they honestly have less than a quarter of Cloris' personality.) Will you miss Len next week/ How can you NOT moonwalk during a Michael Jackson song? Finally, who do you think is going home tonight?

Heroes: Feeling Powerless

Last night's episode of "Heroes" had almost no forward movement.

That was inevitable, given that the previous installment revealed that this year's Big Bad is Arthur Petrelli, head of Pinehearst Industries and father to Nathan, Peter and Sylar. We also learned that he's the one who wanted the formula to create people with abilities and that he's assembling a team of baddies to help carry out his orders.

On this week's episode, "Dying of the Light," Pinehearst was still recruiting special people it hoped to turn into bad guys, Meredith was still in danger after falling prey to Puppetmaster Eric Doyle, and Hiro was still acting like an idiot.

But you know what? I liked this episode of "Heroes."

What the episode may have lacked in plot advancement, it made up for with some solid humor mixed in with some genuinely creepy moments.

Since there were more positives than negatives, let's just get the bad stuff out of the way first: Peter is annoying.

The character that was once the heart of this show is now regularly met with eye rolls by my girlfriend Erica and yours truly whenever he's onscreen. Peter's nosedive started during the subpar second season and hasn't really stopped. I get that his character is crucial to the "Heroes" universe, but Milo Ventimiglia's attempts at acting tough and bad (as he struggles with Sylar's power) are mostly laughable. His fight with Sylar as he busted out of Level 5 should've felt like a bigger deal, but it hardly registered. I also get that he and Sylar are supposed to have done a sort of switcheroo this year, but Sylar's half of that storyline is approximately 400% more interesting.

The most interesting Peter-related development is that now we kind of have an idea of how he gets that scar in the future, after his pop sucked his powers away from him (including invulnerability). Here's hoping a now-powerless Peter will be more interesting. I'm also hoping to see Forster do a little more next time out. He's a non-traditional choice to play an eeevil mastermind (unlike say Malcolm McDowell as Linderman), but I like that he seems approachable enough to hug — until he sucks the life out of you.

Peter was actually Arthur's second victim, after literally sucking the life out of Adam Monroe earlier in the episode. Well, he sucked the immortality out of him, forcing him to show his age. This was an oddly sudden-death to a relatively important character and it was also a shame because I enjoyed David Anders in the role. Monroe's death, along with Bob's death in the season premiere and the disappearance of Monica, is part of the producers' ongoing plot to have us forget that season 2 ever happened. You'd better watch your back Elle.

Other than that, I really enjoyed the episode. You'll also notice I didn't include Mohinder's storyline in the negatives! Sure, I still think it was a mistake to give the one prominent "normal" character powers and make him like everyone else, but I'm learning to enjoy his storyline for the cheesy, "Alien"-esque storyline. I'm also really enjoying the little rattlesnake cues on the soundtrack when he's obviously thinking about attacking someone (this week Nathan and Tracy briefly joined his collection). Also, Maya had no dialogue this week, which is a good thing. On top of all that, there was honest-to-goodness forward movement in his story, as he was recruited by Daphne on behalf of Pinehearst, which may hold the key to curing him. I just like him better as a hapless reptilian killer than I did as a hapless dumb scientist.

Despite her painfully awkward scenes with Parkman (can't that character catch a break), Daphne had a very interesting arc this week. First, she showed disapproval at how Hiro could so easily kill his best friend. During her subsequent recruiting trips, we found out Daphne isn't so much eeevil as she is out to make some quick cash. Of course, her romance with Parkman will surely lead to some audible groans from viewers at home, but I was grateful that the show took time to give Daphne some development (a luxury on this show). I was also grateful that they had Parkman bring back the turtle with him. Altogether now: "thank you, turtle."

Things weren't looking so promising for Hiro at first. I guess the guy already had a joke shop in mind which had an exact replica of the store he carries around AND fake blood in case he ever had to pretend to kill his best friend. After that nonsense, I thoroughly enjoyed Hiro and Ando's hunt of the precog, African Isaac. The bit where Hiro saw himself getting hit by a shovel, then travelled back in time ("One Minute Before Hiro Got Hit") only to get outsmarted again, was one of the show's best this year. It also brought back the clever humor which Hiro's character used to provide.

Not so funny, but equally effective, was the hostage situation with Meredith. Although, I'm not quite sure why Claire thought that pointing a taser at a guy who can control your every move would work, Doyle's scenes were genuinely creepy and the show found a smart way to have the three overmatched women take him down (staging Claire's death). I know Doyle is caught, but I get a feeling we haven't seen the last of that character.

A more interesting throwaway moment was H.R.G. asking Meredith to be his partner. First, his wife Sandra (pictured, left) has to deal with feeling like she's being replaced by Meredith as Claire's mom, now she's going to have to deal with Meredith being her husband's new partner. I think there's potential there, and I hope the show explores that instead of having Claire make another pouty face at H.R.G.

So what'd you think of this episode? What does Parkman's turtle mean given his relationship with Daphne? Is HE the Turtle to her really fast girl with the trendy HAREcut? (I'm SO sorry about that.) What's going to happen to Peter now? Finally, can ANYBODY stop Arthur Petrelli now? (Paging, the Haitian. Please report back to the show.)