Lost: Delivering "The Package"

Last week’s Richard-centric episode was going to be an extremely tough act to follow for two reasons:

1.)“Ab Aeterno” was an epic-scaled hour (and six minutes) that also gave us a heaping helping of Island mythology. After doling out some insight into the Island’s history and purpose, it’s only natural for the writers to downshift the following week. 2.) This week marked the beginning of the second half of the final season of “Lost.” This entire thing is going to end soon and we (whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not) really want stuff to start happening now. (If not now, when?)

(An unofficial third reason: it’s truly unfortunate to follow an episode so steeped in Island history with an episode that focused on Jin and Sun, arguably the regular characters who have the least to do with Island history and are the most self-contained.)

It’s too bad because if “The Package” had aired in season 1 or 2, we’d be all over the jungle intrigue and the action (in more ways than one) off the Island. Unfortunately, the way it played was that our beloved characters were split into three different groups (Anti-Locke’s group, Widmore’s team and the Jack Attack) and did little more than sit around not trusting each other.

Then again for a guy as nerdy and as obsessed with this show as I am, there were still plenty of pleasures to be found. Chief among them is actually the idea that no one on this Island knows who to trust. (Except for Sun, who seems to know exactly who she trusts and who she doesn’t trust.)

The episode had Anti-Locke trying to keep various members of his entourage at bay. He started the episode by promising Jin that he would be reunited with his wife and that (once he had all the candidates) he’d be able to leave the Island. Last week we heard from the Man in Black that, once he killed Jacob, he’d continue killing whoever stepped up to replace him meaning that Anti-Locke’s ultimate endgame appears to be doing away with all of Jacob’s candidates so he can be free. The only problem is that Anti-Locke doesn’t appear to be allowed to kill them himself.

I still don’t know whether Kate is a candidate or not, but Anti-Locke seemed to re-plant the seed in Claire’s mind that she could go after Kate once Anti-Locke had what he needed. (Whatever happens, happens.)

Anti-Locke also had a notable interaction with Sayid, who confessed that he felt nothing. I wonder if this numbness is exclusive to Sayid’s role in the Temple massacre or if he’s been feeling empty inside ever since he was resurrected. Either way, Anti-Locke told Sayid his lack of feelings is probably for the best given what’s to come. Uh oh.

Still, the funniest interaction between Anti-Locke and his crew came with Sawyer, who spotted Sayid and Anti-Locke before they were about to paddle over to Hydra Island on an outlander. Sawyer hilariously asked Anti-Locke why he didn’t just turn into smoke and fly his ass over there. Anti-Locke kept his composure, but I can’t help the feeling he’s growing impatient with his group.

Eventually, Anti-Locke came face to face with Charles Widmore, his apparent opponent in the coming war. I found their meeting to be very bald and sneakily electrifying, given that the last time the two saw each other, Widmore warned Locke that there was a war coming and if Locke wasn’t there “the wrong side would win.” Well, now Locke is there (sorta) he’s throwing Widmore’s words back at him and I don’t know for sure which side is the wrong side.

Widmore had his hands full this week. He also had to deal with his reluctant lead mercenary/geophysicist Zoe going semi-rogue, tranquelizing Anti-Locke’s camp and kidnapping Jin. When all the people in Anti-Locke’s camp got incapacitated, I assumed Widmore was making a move on the candidates. Instead, it appears the operation had nothing to do with the candidates since Zoe simply wanted Jin to help her identify some pockets of electromagnetic energy in a map they found.

In the end, Widmore seemed to get in Jin’s good graces by showing him pictures of his daughter Ji Yeon. He also told Jin that if Anti-Locke is allowed to be, everyone he loves will “cease to be.” It was a touching scene (Daniel Dae Kim acted his ass off), but the whole thing felt undeniably manipulative on Widmore’s part, as did his attempt to bond himself to Jin by bringing up his own estranged daughter Penny.

I’m not sure how estranged he still is from Penny given that he likely ran into her when he kidnapped her man and dragged him to the Island. (Or that probably made him even more estranged.) As was the case in “Ab Aeterno”, the biggest reveal of the night was something most of us had probably guessed. The thing inside the secret room in Widmore’s submarine was a battered Desmond Hume, who made eye contact with an amphibious, spying Sayid in the episode’s final moments. I’m going to go ahead and re-assume that when Jacob told Hurley in “Lighthouse” that someone was coming to the Island, he was referring to Desmond, not Widmore.

Meanwhile, over in the other camp, the directionless natives were growing restless. Sun, in particular, was sick of waiting around and went to her garden to work out some of her frustration. I LOVED how the scene between her and Jack in the garden reeked of season 1 when he would go and check on everyone. Unfortunately, she wasn’t in the mood to chat and sent him away, which left her vulnerable to a visit and offer from Anti-Locke (who left the Smoke Monster sound effects at home this time).

Anti-Locke offered to reunite Sun with her husband and reached out his hand. Sun bolted and he gave chase, causing her to bump her head on a tree branch and knocking the English out of her. (I like how Miles’ skepticism spoke for the audience.) Jack diagnosed the head injury as aphasia, but it’s just as likely Anti-Locke worked some of his mojo on Sun while she was out to further alienate her from his opponents. Richard returned with a purpose (to blow up the Ajira pland and prevent Anti-Locke from leaving the Island), but Sun lashed out at him (in Korean) because she wasn’t interested in saving the world – she just wanted to get back with her husband. (That is SO not candidate talk.)

Later, Jack came armed with a surviving tomato from Sun’s garden, which seemed to give her hope, and a notebook so she could express herself. She wrote that she trusted him and took his hand. (Or at least, that’s what I think she wrote – that awful countdown clock for “V” blocked the lower right part of my TV screen!) As much fun as it is to see him blink rapidly when he gets angry, calmness and serenity look good on Matthew Fox. Maybe it’s just me, but he came off as very Jacob-y in that scene – except for the part where she promised Sun that she’d be reunited with Jin. That was classic Jack.

I feel really bad that I haven’t talked about the flash sideways at all, because it was arguably the most action-packed.

Whereas many of the other Sideways stories were slight variations of the original castaway journey (Sawyer’s the same, but he’s a cop!) the Kwon’s story was completely different and delightfully unpredictable. Were they married? Did they even like each other? Did either of them speak English? Did both of them speak English?

It turns out that, in the Sideways world, Jin and Sun didn’t speak English and were not married. Instead, they were carrying on a secret affair. The unbuttoning scene with Sun teasing Jin was kinda hot, and the shirtlessness of both Daniel Dae Kim and Yunjin Kim brought a little something for ALL the viewers at home.

Unfortunately for Jin, the last guy who carried on a secret affair with Sun was dropped out a window. As it happens, the $25,000 that was confiscated at the airport was payment form Sun’s dad to the casually racist Martin Keamy (“I feel like I’m in a Godzilla movie” “Go get the Arab guy”) who was supposed to kill Jin.

Keamy coldly said this to an oblivious Jin in English as he waited for Sun to deliver the money from her secret bank account (that her dad had cleaned out). Instead, Keamy and his men were taken out by Sayid, who did the absolute minimum to help Jin escape. Jin got into a fight with translator Mikhail (who is destined to have one eye no matter what reality he’s in) that resulted in Sun getting shot in the stomach and revealing to Jin that she’s pregnant.

I’m guessing Jin will take Sun to hospital where Jack works, because that’s where every character on this show who winds up getting injured in Los Angeles ends up. Maybe Jack will get an assist from the good gyno Dr. Ethan Goodspeed or (better yet) the baby doctor who specializes in miracles and has already treated Sun. (Come back, Juliet!)

So what’d you think of this episode? What does Widmore want with those pockets of electromagnetic energy? What is Desmond’s purpose on the Island? Finally, why won't you believe Ben? (Because he's speaking, duh!)

American Idol: Word to DeWyze

The fact of the matter is, after last week’s horror show, there was nowhere to go but up.

That’s why I’m not entirely convinced “R&B/Soul” night on “American Idol” was quite the return to form it appeared to be at first glance.

I mean, this season has still mostly felt like eating poop. Last week, someone dropped our plate of poop on the ground and we were forced to eat it anyway. On Tuesday night, someone spread a nice hollandaise sauce and thoughtfully placed some garnish around the poop.

That is to say, things were considerably better, but we were still eating poop.

Take Lee DeWyze (pictured, right) for example. He definitely had his breakout performance last night with his upbeat, entertaining, rocking take on “Treat Her Like a Lady.” If he ever figures out a way to be comfortable on stage, there’s a chance he can put everything together and make a run at the title. (Is there some way we could transplant some confidence/cockiness from guest mentor Usher over to Lee?)

…And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that Lee would be nothing better than a sixth or seventh place finisher (tops!) in past seasons (including last year’s stellar, deep installment). Still, I’m not going to harp on that too much. I’ll just enjoy the fact that Lee pulled off a rare treat (for this season) on Tuesday night — his performance was actually something I could conceivably imagine hearing on the radio in 2010.

Then again, maybe I’m just cranky because when I heard it was going to be “R&B” week, I foolishly envisioned more contemporary song choices (or at least stuff from the 90’s). Somewhere along the line, someone added “soul”, which gave the majority of finalists an excuse to trot out more hopelessly outdated performances. (How was this different than Motown Week, for example?!)

I mean, did we need another rendition of “Ain’t No Sunshine” after Kris Allen performed the song just last year (twice!) and put his stamp on it? Also, it probably wasn’t a good idea for Aaron to ignore Usher’s advice on varying his “I knows.” But who wants a performance that’s actually dynamic?

Similarly, whoever wound up Katie Stevens before her performance of “Chain of Fools” obviously didn’t wind her up hard enough because she appeared to run out of energy almost immediately. Oh well, at least she sounded better than she has in past weeks, as she lethargically made her way from one side of the stage to the other.

I would criticize Tim Urban for his labored, characteristically-disconnected take on “Sweet Love”, but, as Simon hilariously pointed out, it really doesn’t matter. Teflon Tim is going to keep smiling that dopey smile that foreigners plaster on their face when they’re in another country and want to remain polite when someone is speaking a language they don’t understand.

Unfortunately for Siobhan, she wasn’t able to whip up a frozen smile when the judges (rightfully) tore apart her painful cover of Chaka Khan’s “Through the Fire.” I actually think it was a decent choice of song — I just believe she sang it horribly on stage. (Which is strange, because she sounded pretty good in her mentoring session with Usher.) Hopefully, she won’t let this affect her in the long-term and she’ll bounce back next time (I’m with Kara — this just seems like an off week). Also, I would like her to stop yelling at me.

Though Casey James sounded very good and got my foot tapping with “Hold On, I’m Comin’” I still don’t really get the sense that the guy is interested in taking any sort of chance. You could say the same thing about Lee to a lesser extent (and Casey has a little Lee in him with his stiffness and pained facial expressions while he sings), but the reason this is more dangerous for Casey is because he doesn’t have as distinctive a tone as Mr. Dewyze. Right now, Casey is the world’s most competent 80’s night karaoke performer.

Then there’s Didi Benami. Once again, I didn’t think her performance (this time it was “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted”) was anywhere near as horrible as the judges made it out to be. Could she stand to lighten up a bit (or a lot)? Yes. Did she deserve to get totally flogged for her work on stage? (I say no.)

As if that wasn’t painful enough, Ryan (who I actually think does a good job on this show) did his best Kyra Sedgwick impersonation and ruthlessly interrogated Didi about her song choice. He was clearly trying to get her to cry (channeling his inner Tyra) and score her some sympathy points with the audience (channeling, um, her hidden Gokey?) by revealing that Didi sang the song for her deceased friend. Good for Didi for resisting the little man’s relentless advances.

Believe it or not though, there was stuff that I liked.

I was a big fan of Crystal Bowersox’s rendition of “Midnight Train to Georgia” not so much because she ditched the guitar and tried her hand at the piano. The way she slowed down the tempo and made me really pay attention to the lyrics in a song I’ve heard hundreds of time made the performance seem refreshing in a way that was David Cook-ian.

I also thought it was a good idea for Michael Lynche to occupy his hands with a guitar and sit his butt down to keep him from chewing the scenery during a lovely rendition of India.Arie’s “Ready for Love.” (It’s ok, I didn’t know it either.) I just wish he’d kept his eyes open for more than 15% of the performance. Still, what he lacked in connection with the audience, he made up for in his connection with the material.

Finally, (and I do mean FINALLY) I thoroughly enjoyed Andrew Garcia’s cover of “Forever.” His take was so airy and delightful (two words NOT associated with any of Andrew’s live performances this season) that I only occasionally flashed on “girlfriend beater” while he sang the Chris Brown song. Of course, the question remains whether Andrew will build on this momentum or whether he’ll have judges comparing every subsequent performance to that one time he sang “Forever” on top 10 week. I honestly don’t know – I think it can go either way…but it’ll probably go the bad way.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you enjoy the backstage looks we got coming back from commercial break? (Best moment: Siobhan’s amusingly pissed off demeanor after her performance. Worst moment: Big Mike’s arms.) Why won’t Usher take off his sunglasses indoors? (Other than that, I thought he was a pretty good mentor.) Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’ve got Didi, Katie and Tim in the bottom 3, with Teflon Tim being shipped home with a big smile on his face.)

24: You Gotta Have Heart

Before we start this recap, let’s have a silent clock for “24”, which (it was announced this week) will end its eight-season run on May 24.

In a way, it’s fitting that the first original episode that aired after the cancelation announcement sort of encompasses the best and worst of “24” in 2010.

There was the good (a kickass firefight, a strong president and the return of fascinating political intrigue) and the less-good (uninspired repetition; specifically, having a character suffer a heart attack while another withholds pills the way Sherry Palmer did to Alan Milliken in season 3).

Then there’s you-know-who.

If you read this recap, you know that I basically called BS on the Dana Walsh-is-a-mole twist. Last night’s episode — which had Dana helping Tarin get into position to utilize the nuclear rods on Manhattan — did absolutely nothing to change my mind.

All this time, I’ve placed the lion’s share of the blame on the Dana Walsh debacle on the writers. However, I’m afraid I have to lay into Katee Sackhoff a bit after last night. I thought her ominous facial expressions and whispery bad-guy voice were WAY over the top. (When you’re a mole, isn’t the idea to actually try to blend in?) I’m even more disappointed that neither Chloe nor Arlo (who has stopped creepily hitting on Dana for some reason) didn’t really blink an eye when CTU’s satellite feed went out just as they were closing in on Samir and the rods. I mean, the fact that Dana has actually been sitting at her desk (for a change) and doing her work for the past hour should be a big tip off that she’s up to no good.

I really do hate to keep harping on this, but if Dana has really been a mole all this time, how come she’s only recently decided to start sabotaging CTU’s missions. I’ll tell you why — it’s because the writers decided she was the mole about 10 minutes ago! (Hopefully Jack will snap her neck or something when they end up in the same room next week.)

Anyway, on to the good stuff.

Welcome to season 8, President Taylor (pictured, left).

Yes, I realize Cherry Jones has actually appeared on screen this year, but last night was the first time the character was actually a factor.

Samir had successfully gotten the nuclear rods into the city, and Hastings could no longer guarantee the safety of Manhattan. Samir said he’d spare the city if U.S. officials simply handed over President Hassan.

This led to a spirited scene in which Chief of Staff Rob Weiss and suddenly-prominent Gen. Brucker argued in favor of turning over Hassan and averting disaster. President Taylor, not surprisingly, was vehemently against this by saying that even if America suffered some sort of terrorist attack, “We’ll deal with it — that’s what we do. Americans don’t stay down. We rise up together in times of crisis.” Jones’ forceful delivery almost made me stand up and start chanting “USA, USA!” despite the fact that I wasn’t born in this country. More importantly, I could finally see why the fictional people of this universe elected Allison Taylor as their president.

Unfortunately, Gen. Brucker (who is already a more interesting and hiss-worthy bad guy than bland Samir) had other ideas. He convinced Weiss to help him pull off an operation that would have military personnel kidnap Hassan and hand him over to Samir’s men. The terrorist attack would be averted, and President Taylor wouldn’t have to live with handing over Hassan to the bad guys.

Brucker needed Weiss to access Secretary of State Ethan Kanin’s computer to find out the route Jack was using to take Hassan to safety. (I’d left out the part where President Taylor had conveniently asked Jack to oversee the Hassan family’s transport.) Ethan walked in on the men and was about to blow the whistle until his heart gave out on him. (If you recall, the show established earlier this season that Ethan was dealing with a health issue, and you bet your ass the show wouldn’t have introduced that if it wasn’t going to crop up again!)

Despite the inherent horribleness in Brucker’s plan — instead of trying to find the rods and stop the nuclear threat, he thought it was a great idea to order a high-risk mission that would likely result in the death of a bunch of military personnel and Secret Service agents — we were treated to a pretty cool gunfight.

Predictably, Jack, Renee and President Hassan survived. (Anil Kapoor looks funny in street clothes.) The Secret Service agents were all wiped out pretty quickly, except for Agt. Molly O’Connor, who’d gotten a few lines of dialogue earlier and was rewarded with a noble death. (Even though we didn’t see it, I’m assuming she died.)

Jack was able to wound one of the military guys, who quickly revealed their dastardly mission. With 15 minutes left until another attack, Jack has to decide what to do. (It would’ve been nice if the previews for next week didn’t reveal that President Hassan takes matters into his own hands, but whatever.) Also, is it weird that my favorite part of the tunnel sequence was Jack saying, “The son of a bitch hung up on me” after talking to Weiss?

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Ethan survive? (I say no.) Does the show have the balls to depict a terrorist attack in New York City? (I say no.) Finally, I don’t know if you caught the previews, but LOGAN!!! (I say, YES!)

Dancing with the Stars: Turn up, Keep up, Shut Up

Those were the wise words last night from head judge Len Goodman.

And they were directed at all the celebrities, who had apparently collectively decided to brattily challenge their pro partners during the testiest edition of “Dancing with the Stars” I can ever remember.

(Len’s not-so-wisest word of the evening? Titivate.)

Let’s dispense with the drama and talk about the couples — who performed either a jive or a foxtrot — in order of appearance.

Shannen Doherty & Mark: Her jive was still a bit stiff, but surprisingly lively and a significant improvement from last week. Still, her biggest victory was that she actually convinced me she wanted to be there. Good for her! I had my concerns after she flipped off Mark during rehearsal. Who knew that would end up being of the more restrained displays of frustration from a celeb last night?

Aiden Turner & Edyta: As ridiculous a person as Edyta can be, I don’t think anybody ever wants to see her cry (as her leg warmers slump sadly toward the ground). All of Aiden’s good humor from last week was gone, and he actually might be a dark horse to be eliminated Tuesday night. Still, he should be safe after his decent foxtrot. More importantly, Edyta got her revenge by nailing him twice in the face with her elbows.

Evan Lysacek & Anna: I can’t exactly put my finger on why, but I’m still not fully aboard the Evan Lysacek train. (Hopefully, they serve cheesecake during train rides.) I think it’s because he dances like a girl. (Sorry, but it’s true — homeboy needs to butch up!) That being said, he’s totally into the show, his jive was appropriately energetic, and his leaps are incredible. (Carrie Ann can’t take a point away if you vault yourself off the ground.)

Niecy Nash & Louis: Despite the revelation that she had NOT become a white man, I thought she was the most improved of the week. She deserved 8s. Her foxtrot was an airy, thoroughly charming delight. I’m guessing the judges withheld the 8s because she was annoyingly mouthing the words to her song, “I Love You I Do” from “Dreamgirls.” Great job by Niecy, breaking out of the booty-shaking Latin dance box Louis apparently wanted to put her in.

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie: His tense rehearsal footage (“I’m not asking you, I’m more telling you” – to Chelsie about a move he couldn’t do. Well then.) contrasted heavily with his dorky, clumsy jive. Though his jive was ever so slightly terrible, Jake’s enthusiasm mostly sold it. I just have no idea how many people are voting for this guy.

Buzz Aldrin & Ashly: I hate to go all Len on you and refrain from criticizing Buzz, but what can you really say about his foxwalk without sounding like a complete ass? Instead, I’ll focus on his pre-performance (Ashly adorably drawing him a map of his moves) and post-performance (he’s going home and trying out his moves on his scary-looking wife). On second thought, let’s NOT focus on his post-performance.

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek: She’s like the bizarro Buzz. What can I say about her, other than she’s ridiculously good, and head and shoulders and stomach and kneecaps above anyone else in the competition. (Including Evan right now.)

Erin Andrews & Maksim: Giving her a solo during the beginning of her foxtrot was a bold move by Maks, and Erin handled it well. I also think she was probably asked to do the most out of any celeb (other than Evan and Nicole, of course). Still, there’s a stiffness in her dancing, which is completely understandable for anyone who doesn’t dance/perform for a living. More annoyingly, I really don’t enjoy watching Erin dance. She may have been technically better, but I still preferred the foxtrots from Niecy and…

Pamela Anderson & Damien: After bringing sex to the ballroom last week, Pamela brought an all-encompassing Marilyn Monroe impersonation this week. (She was still pretending to be Marilyn during her backstage interview with Brooke Burke.) She still looks and dances as if she’s a little drunk/high, but that’s why you love/hate her, right?

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl: I think more couples should try Cheryl’s tactic — giving their partners kisses in rehearsal when they do well. Unfortunately, it didn’t work because everything about Chad’s foxtrot was terrible. Though Kate (who we’ll get to in a minute) and Buzz were worse, I was most disappointed in Chad because I actually expected him to be good. Fortunately for him, I’d bet money that he’ll get another week to win us back.

Kate Gosselin & Tony (pictured, right): I’m sure you know by now that Kate’s control-freak nature during rehearsals made Tony, the “Gentleman of the Ballroom” and probably the nicest guy on this show, quit. Somewhere, Jon Gosselin was watching all this and solemnly nodding his head. It seemed like Kate was under the impression that just because her and Tony are dance partners the two of them are equal. The only problem with this line of thinking is that Kate has absolutely no idea about anything having to do with dance so, this being the case, it’d probably be smart for her to mostly zip it, trust your pro and try to have fun. Unfortunately, “zipping it” and following someone else’s lead isn’t in Kate’s nature.

If it’s ok with you, I’ll skip right over Kate’s disastrous jive because, if you can’t say something nice…

So what’d you think of this episode? Was it too soon for Nicole (or anyone) to get a 10? (I don’t think so — if someone dances impeccably, they deserve a 10 and Nicole didn’t miss a step.) Are you buying the Chad/Cheryl showmance the show is selling? Where are Maks’ biceps? Finally, who do you think is going home? (It’s gotta be Kate — I mean, even people who are fans of hers HAVE to know that she doesn’t want to be out there anymore, right?

The Celebrity Apprentice: The Straw That Broke The Donald's Back

Being on “The Celebrity Apprentice” is hard!

There are various phone calls to be made and goofy hats to wear. Even worse, they make you wake up at the ungodly hour of “some time before noon.”

But we’ll get into why we had our second celebrity in three seasons quit a little later.

I have to begin with a very important question: what kind of child makes it his dying wish to meet Donald Trump? Not to completely belittle the seven-year-old boy (who DID bear more than a passing resemblance to the Donald) Maria met when she delivered her check to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, but really?! That’s your wish, kid? Is it safe to assume you’re suffering from some sort of mental illness?

(It’s a good thing that it was painfully obvious the producers of this show put him up to it, because we all know NO ONE’S dying wish is to hang out at the finale of “The Celebrity Apprentice.” I just hope the kid’s actual wish gets granted as well.)

Anyway, let’s get on to this week’s task, which was to create a four-page advertorial featuring a celebrity spokesperson for a joint, identity-protection venture between Lifelock and Norton. (Yes, it even works for a Mac.)

Advertorial: an extended newspaper or magazine text advertisement that promotes the advertiser’s product, services or special point of view, but resembles an editorial in style and layout.

That’s the Dictionary.com definition for “advertorial” and I’m convinced that Team RockSolid project manager Michael Johnson googled the word and saw what it meant, like I just did. Unfortunately, he also decided to follow the dictionary definition of the word to the letter at the expense of making his team’s advertorial interesting, eye-catching or even factual.

Johnson ignored the pleas of Brett Michaels, who “as a graphic designer” (Trump calling his BS in the boardroom later was actually excellent) suggested they color a bit outside the lines. Sadly for Brett, he’d gotten himself semi-banished to the fringes for the second week in a row after a poor showing during Team RockSolid’s meeting with the Lifelock/Norton executives. (I actually think Brett is still talking in his business-speak gibberish.)

If this were “Survivor”, I’d suggest that Brett form an alliance with Rod, since both guys are constantly ignored and disrespected by their teammates. (And because they’re the two most entertaining guys on the team.) You can’t 100% blame the rest of the team for not taking them seriously — I mean, this IS Brett Michaels and Rod “I never EVER learned how to type” Blagojevich (pictured, left) we’re talking about. However, the desire to compete and contribute is there (which is not the case when you’re talking about a certain ex-baseball player) and, at least in Brett’s case, there seems to be some untapped creative potential.

On the other hand, if Rod keeps getting sent out to do menial tasks, I do believe he’d shake the hand of every single New Yorker (and most tourists visiting from out of town). A highlight of the episode was Daryl Strawberry telling Rod that, in New York, you can’t stop to shake hands and that you have to keep moving — two seconds later, Rod said hi to the very next person he saw…but he kept moving. (I guess he’s learning.) A lowlight of the episode — Rod saying, almost out of nowhere, “We’re prematurely ejaculating.” Well then.

On the women’s side, Summer Sanders was in charge. Let me rephrase that — Summer Sanders was project manager, but didn’t really do an awful lot of managing. What she did do was say “Uh” and “Um” a lot. She also did a bang up job of appearing absolutely flustered when Trump Jr. stopped by to check on Team Tenacity’s progress.

Summer has to be one of the worst, ineffective project managers to ever win a task on thi show. That’s right, the women somehow pulled it together in the end. In fact, the one good decision Summer seemed to make was naming Sharon Osbourne (not Cyndi Lauper) as their celebrity spokesperson — because there’s nothing scarier than Sharon Osbourne in a leather jacket. All kidding aside, the women’s advertorial was more eye-catching and better-produced than the men’s and they deserved the win, despite lacking a call to action.

It looked like it was going to be a lot closer than it was after the presentations. I mean, the men’s was hopelessly boring after Michael Johnson took over from Curtis Stone but at least it didn’t feature a malfunctioning laptop (why do these women keep having problems with technology?) and a swearing, coughing Sharon Osbourne. (Also, why did the men have microphones at the start of their presentation? There were only two people in the audience and they were eight feet away?)

In the boardroom, Summer somehow managed to make herself look worse by attacking Cyndi Lauper for distracting from the task and then taking it back. I get that Cyndi Lauper’s craziness can be a bit of a distraction, but what I really HATED was Summer’s completely condescending explanation to Cyndi about how she loves her “stories.” To paraphrase Sharon Osbourne, “Shut the f--- up!” Her wishy-washiness was every bit as infuriating as Michael Johnson’s misguided stubbornness.

Maybe I feel that way because I enjoy Cyndi on this show. In fact, my most surprising Cyndi-related development was the fact that she apparently DOES watch this show. (She referenced Dennis Rodman’s drinking problem last year.) After the season premiere, I wasn’t even sure she owned a TV.

The men lost and the tea leaves were saying Michael Johnson was going home. That is until Daryl Strawberry raised his hand and asked to go home.

It didn’t come as a major shock. Last week, Daryl admitted that he had been lazy. This week, he lamented how hard it is for a celebrity to actually wake up in the morning. I’d make even more fun of Daryl for this completely ridiculous statement (especially coming from a former professional athlete) and for quitting if I didn’t believe that there was a chance that he has a really serious problem. There’s a chance the guy just misses his family, but the man does have a very famous history with substance abuse (and he was looking pretty rough toward the end of his run on this show). I wouldn’t be surprised if being on “The Celebrity Apprentice” made him want to do drugs again (he wouldn’t be the only one), and he just needed to go.

Then again maybe he’s just a lazy quitter who wants to hang around his house and NOT raise money for autism. Either way, the worst part of Daryl’s exit was his attempt to make it look like he was willing to get himself fired to save Michael, and not because he wanted to go home. If I had been Trump, I would’ve fired Strawberry and then I would’ve turned around and fired Michael Johnson. You know, because he was the reason his team lost and he deserved to be fired.

Oh well. Now Daryl Strawberry fans have an entirely new reason to be ashamed of rooting for him. Yay.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Curtis wear an apron next week? (Probably. Great call by Selita.) Does Trump really know Michael Johnson better than he knows himself? (What was THAT statement about?) Finally, what does the word “advertorial” mean to YOU?

Project Runway: Print it to Win It

Mood? They don’t need no stinkin’ Mood.

Not when last night’s challenge had the remaining designers creating their own unique fabric for their weekly outfit.

I really liked this challenge because, for better or worse, it gave each competitor COMPLETE creative autonomy over their creations. Most weeks (when they’re not trying to make a dress out of materials found in a dumpster or something), the designers simply come up with a concept and seem to hope Mood has something that matches their vision. This week, there really was absolutely no excuse if your outfit was fugly.

I actually can’t believe it took this long for the show to come up with this challenge. I suppose we had to wait for technology to catch up and make it possible. Though the easel-like canvas was cool, I’m afraid I must refrain from mentioning a certain electronics company by name – the got plenty of pub last night, so I’m sure they won’t mind.

All of the designers seemed excited about the prospect of creating their own fabric (even Mila was excited to play with some colors). Well, everyone except Maya, who isn’t really about the bold prints. Fortunately for her, she found a way to marry her structural aesthetic with the challenge at hand and ended up producing what Michael Kors called his favorite print. (Imagine what she could’ve done if she actually liked prints!)

I think it was pretty clear which print ended up being Michael Kors’ least favorite print (someone please give Jonathan a hug), but we’ll get to that later. First, I want to talk about Emilio who, despite a considerable amount of talent, seems hell-bent on coming off as an arrogant, off-putting jackass.

First, there was his idea to put his name on his fabric as a form of branding. Is it incredibly presumptuous for a guy to consider himself a brand name when he probably should’ve finished in 10th place after his disastrous metal bikini? Probably, but I’m not going to take away his right to sell himself. I have more of an issue with the fabric design itself, which read ES♥SA over and over again.

I’m glad Emilio was on hand to explain that it was supposed to mean E. Sosa (the heart was on “O”) because I had no idea what that thing said. I was actually with Tim, who thought the “ES” stood for Emilio Sosa and the “SA” stood for Seth Aaron, his partner last week. (Taking it one step further, I think it’s hilarious that, if that were the case, the fabric would read “Emilio Sosa hearts Seth Aaron.) Most egregiously, Emilio got all huffy and said that he doesn’t listen to Tim, whether he likes it or not.

Usually, disagreeing with Tim is a BIG mistake, but the judges ended up inexplicably flipping for Emilio’s fabric and gave him the win, his third this season. (Like his ego needed it.) Me, I’m with Tim. I actually think I’ve seen a similar pattern to Emilio’s on a purse at Target. Oh well, at least his French-inspired jacket was a nice touch.

Personally, I would’ve given Maya the win for having the best pattern (hello, that was a major part of the challenge!) and for combining it so well with her own tastes. I also wouldn’t have been mad if Seth Aaron had won yet again. It’s incredible how many pieces he can create in so little time. In fact, I wish he’d had a little less time because last night’s ensemble could’ve probably used one less piece.

Since Jay Nicolas and his newly revised pants skipped to safety, the bottom three was Mila, Anthony and Jonathan.

Maybe it’s just me, but I actually thought Mila’s white tee-pee with a rainbow flag was BY FAR the worst piece last night. Bonus points for making it so constricting that her model Brandise could barely walk in it. I’m actually a believer in past work, but this is at least the second time Mila has completely missed when going outside her color blocking mod comfort zone. I would’ve placed her in the bottom 2 to make her sweat.

Unfortunately, that spot was taken up this week by Jonathan, who got the worst of it from the judges. I actually didn’t hate his “stained tablecloth” fabric nearly as much as the judges did. It was a different way to go, yes, but it was consistent with Jonathan’s aesthetic. However, Michael Kors’ taunts were hilarious at first, but turned borderline cruel when Jonathan dared to chime in that Kors’ critique was preposterous. (Did you see the delight on Heidi’s face when she realized Michael was REALLY going to go after him?)

I was actually ok with Michael tearing into Jonathan’s “disco straight jacket.” (“Your husband helps you back into your straight jacket.”) I mean, that thing was just weird. What wasn’t cool was the rest of the judges jumping in and ganging up on Jonathan. Then again, I’d probably feel sorrier for Jonathan if he hadn’t dumped his model Cerry during the subsequent “Models of the Runway” episode, causing her to be eliminated. (But that’s another story.)

Still, Jonathan was safe, which meant Anthony was out.

Although Anthony did NOT have the worst dress last night, his continued aversion to taking chances did him in. He’ll be missed by his competitors (for a guy who talked all the time, it’s a testament to his charm that EVERYONE seemed to like him) and I’m sure he’ll be missed by many in the audience because the guy was a sound bite machine. Personally, I think the most impressive thing he did during his time on the show was the way he handled his ouster with unparalleled grace and good humor.

So what’d you think of this episode? Should Anthony have gone home? Did Emilio deserve to win? Who do you think the upcoming “opinionated celebrity” is? Finally, does Jay Nicolas own any men’s shorts?

America's Next Top Recap: So You Think You Can Dance

“You can’t quit because you’re fired!”

Ok, so that’s not exactly how Wednesday night’s more tedious-than-usual episode of “America’s Next Top Model” ended, but close enough.

Sorry if I’m a little grumpy, but the latest hour of “Top Model” had a deadly combination of heavy emphasis on thoroughly unpleasant people, an unimaginative photo shoot, and a predictable outcome.

Things started out promisingly enough when the girls piled onto their not-so-glamorous bus and were surprised by Toccara, probably the most popular/successful contestant in the show’s entire run.

Toccara was armed with a Bob Barker-style skinny mic and a pack of questions about the fashion industry. The girls were split into two teams, and most of the questions were a bit too inside baseball for me. The first team to get five points would win some Bluefly.com gift cards and the chance to go on a go-see, and it came down to Simone vs, Brenda with the score tied. (What is this, “Hell’s Kitchen”?) If we’re to believe the editing, Brenda kind of blew it, and Simone picked up the victory for her team. Simone also went on to win the go-see challenge and a super-duper Bluefly.com gift card. (Here’s hoping she used it thoughtfully.) Meanwhile, the losing team had to stay behind and do inventory. (What is this, “Hell’s Kitchen”?)

In the typical lull between the weekly challenge and the weekly photo shoot, we got some more house drama.

I guess someone should’ve told Ren that this is how the show works, because she was still whining about how she was completely unprepared for the drama that results from a group of young, fame-seeking women living in a house together. Last night, we also learned (rather disturbingly) that the main reason snobby Ren tried out for the show is because her mother is a really big fan.

I don’t even know where to begin. Is there a more depressing/misguided way to try to win a parent’s approval? After 14 cycles, are there still people out there who are “really big fans” of this show? When the producers of the show “handpicked” Ren to be the 13th girl, did anyone bother asking her if she actually wanted to be part of the damn thing?!

For a girl who claims to hate drama, Ren sure started some in the house. Brenda had announced that she was going to sleep, and Krista started making fun of Brenda’s mothering tendencies, randomly calling her a “Geppetto” — because she’s a “puppet master.” (Thanks for the explanation.) That led to a couple of girls making fun of Brenda (who is still insecure about her awesome haircut) by comparing her to Miranda from “Sex and the City” and Chucky from the killer doll movies. Ren told Brenda what the other girls were saying, leading to a shouting match between Brenda and Anslee, who really is the second most unpleasant person in the house but gaining on Ren.

Anyway, it was time for the photo shoot, which had the women representing a different genre of dance — which is not to be confused with the shoot from a few cycles ago where they represented a different genre of music. Yeesh!

The girls allegedly received help from a renowned professional dancer, but mostly ended up resorting to the sort of clichéd moves you’d expect from someone when you tell them to do “ballet” or “hip-hop.” The highlight of the shoot for me was the fact that whoever constructed Simone’s outfit forgot that her boobs should probably be covered, leading her midsection being blurred as she unsuccessfully tried to strike a convincing street pose.

Though Raina had another strong week, the best photo of the bunch unquestionably belonged to Alasia. Her photo was so strong that it overcame the completely trashy/clubby outfit she wore to panel. (Seriously, that thing almost cost her the win!) Then again, it would’ve been pretty hypocritical of Tyra to deny Alasia the victory based on her outfit since Tyra herself was wearing (pictured, left) an inexplicably awful flesh-colored jumpsuit. (Camel toe included.) It was so bad that it literally made me spit up the food I was eating. (Seriously.) Double yeesh!

Besides that, I really didn’t get all the love for Angelea’s moshing pic (then again, I still think she’s pretty awful, yet has somehow plummeted to only being the third most unpleasant person in the house by flying under the radar). Still, Angelea’s pic wasn’t nearly as bad as Brenda (the most contained African dancer I’d ever seen) or Ren (who, instead of dancing, went for a druggie/Studio 54 interpretation of disco).

Tyra asked Ren if she wanted to quit after her critique and right before a commercial break. When we returned from break, Ren delivered the least convincing “I want to stay” I’d ever heard. When it came down to eliminating Ren or Brenda, Tyra asked Ren again if she wanted to stay, and this time Ren admitted that she wanted to bolt. But it’s ok, because Tyra was going to eliminate her anyway.

Goodbye, Ren. It’s good that you’re gone this early because it’ll give you and your mom that much more time to work on the serious issues you two obviously have.

So what’d you think of this episode? When does Heidi Klum find the time to film “Germany’s Next Top Model”? Why is looking like Cynthia Nixon/Miranda Hobbes considered to be an insult? Finally, can you think of a worse outfit Tyra has worn on this show?

Lost: Put a Cork in It

This is the episode people have been waiting for ever since Richard Alpert showed his face in the present day to recruit Juliet and in the Dharma days to recruit a young Ben Linus to the Other side — and it turned out that the face looked exactly the same.

After seeing the feature film-scale “Ab Aeterno”, I suspect that your enjoyment of the episode hinged largely on how much time you spend thinking about “Lost.”

If you watch the show casually, then you probably thought it was a thoroughly entertaining hour of romance and action (the scene with the Smoke Monster taking down the Black Rock crew was sneakily outstanding) with a healthy dose of Big Ideas about good and evil, God and the devil jammed into the second half.

If you’rea semi-obsessive fan (like me), this episode didn’t seem to reveal a lot of new information, because you already theorized that Richard had come to the Island on the Black Rock a long time ago and that he was immortal because of Jacob’s touch. (That second fact had been pretty much stated explicitly by Richard himself.)

Some of the people in my group (the semi-obsessives) may complain that they didn’t learn anything new, but I’m always grateful to get concrete confirmation on any “Lost” mystery. (Just because I’m pretty sure about something, doesn’t make it so.) Also, if you do a little work for yourself (like Jacob would want you to do), you’d probably see this episode revealed plenty of the sort of character-based nuggets that truly make this show great.

For example, we could all guess how Richard became immortal (and we were all right), but this episode also told us WHY.

Richard was actually Ricardo (though never called “Ricardus” at any point last night), a Spaniard living in the Canary Islands in 1867. His wife Isabella had tuberculosis and Ricardo had accidentally killed a haughty doctor who refused to go out in the rain to help her, despite the fact that Ricardo offered him everything he had (including his wife’s necklace). Ricardo grabbed some medicine, but couldn’t make it back in time to save his wife.

He was arrested and sentenced to be hanged. The poor guy couldn’t even gain absolution from his priest, who told Richard that there was no way for him to do penance and avoid hell since he was going to die the next day. Enter a man named Jonas Whitfield who bought Richard as a slave on behalf of Magnus Hanso (ancestor of Dharma Initiative founder Alvar Hanso) and put him on the Black Rock. During a particularly violent storm, the ship was hurtled into the famed four-toed statue (which Richard and his companions thought was a representation of the devil), allegedly wiping out most of the statue and leaving the Black Rock in the middle of the Island.

(Two things here: 1.) I’m guessing that the ship Jacob and MIB saw in the distance during their breakfast chat in season 5 finale “The Incident” was NOT the Black Rock, since that happened on a bright sunny day. 2.) Maybe I’m being thick, but I still don’t understand how a wooden ship or the accompanying tsunami could wipe that four-toed statue out like that, and I REALLY still don’t understand how Richard’s ship landed so far inland and relatively intact. I guess it’s just one of those things.)

Fortunately, Nestor Carbonell (stepping into the “Lost” spotlight for the first time) really stepped up and did a terrific job of carrying this episode. Yes, the romance between Ricardo and Isabella was rushed and underdeveloped (we saw her alive for about two minutes), but Carbonell’s passion and intensity went a long way toward selling it. Even more impressive was the way his eyeliner-y eyes portrayed the guilt (over committing murder; over not being able to save his wife) that Ricardo carried around. It turns out the reason he never wanted to die is because he was afraid of going to hell!

Ricardo became convinced that he was in hell and it was hard to blame him. Whitfield had killed the rest of the crew (out of fear of running out of resources) and was about to run a sword through Richard before the Smoke Monster intervened, took out Whitfield and got an up close and personal look at Richard. Another reason for Richard to believe he was in hell was probably his wife popping up and telling him that they were in hell.

Now, I realize there’s a lot of speculation as to who is “good” and “evil” in the Jacob/MIB power struggle, and I also realize this show delights in subverting our expectations of those very concepts. However, after last night’s episode, I think it’s pretty clear that Jacob represents “good” and MIB is meant to represent evil.

For example, it was pretty obvious to me that it was MIB who appeared to Richard as Isabella and made it seem as if she’d been kidnapped by “the devil.” That allowed the still-nameless Man in Black to conveniently appear with a set of keys to set Richard free and offer a way for him to reunite with his wife – he had to kill “the devil.”

Now, when I say that Jacob is clearly “good” and MIB is clearly “evil”, that’s obviously just my perspective. In this case, perspective is everything because I think that the MIB character honestly believes that Jacob really does represent “the devil”, at least as far as he’s concerned. He offered Ricardo a knife and the same instructions Dogen gave Sayid in “Sundown” – kill him before he has a chance to speak and persuade you.

Unfortunately for Richard, Jacob kicked his ass and disarmed him without even opening his mouth to speak. I thought it was interesting that Jacob defended himself so vigorously (as opposed to the way he let Ben stab him in 2007). I’m guessing the reason he let Ben kill him was because he knew he had backup coming in the form of the castaways he touched. If Richard had been able to stab him, he would’ve died and MIB would’ve won.

Anyway, the subsequent scenes between Richard and Jacob were absolutely terrific. I loved the forced baptism (“I want to live” “That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said.”) I love that we got some insight into the purpose of the Island (Jacob brings people there to prove MIB wrong, since MIB believes people are inherently wired to sin.) Jacob even laid out his own God-like philosophy to explain why he doesn’t intervene in the Island inhabitants’ lives, leading to a fantastic exchange: “Why should I have to step in?” Jacob asked. “If you don’t, he will,” Richard responded, in reference to the MIB.

Most importantly (probably), was Jacob’s explanation of the Island’s purpose in relation to MIB. He used a half-full bottle of wine to explain that the wine was hell/evil/etc, while the Island was the cork that kept it from getting out and spreading. My question would be, “How much worse could the world be if MIB was allowed to escape and spread his influence?” I mean, the castaways’ lives with MIB as a prisoner were pretty sucky. Maybe the flash sideways represent what happens if MIB got loose – and things aren’t so bad.

I particularly enjoyed the final scene between Jacob and the MIB which ended with the MIB smashing the bottle – to me, it suggested that the MIB is hell bent on finding a way (a loophole) to free himself, and that it’ll probably be a way that Jacob never considered.

Back in the present, Richard (who had let out a hilarious yelp and freaked out when Ilana asked him what they were supposed to do next) had his faith restored thanks to Ghost Whisperer Hurley.

In a scene that definitely should’ve been ridiculous, Carbonell and Jorge Garcia delivered a pair of knockout performances that absolutely made Richard’s restored faith believable (and may have brought a tear to some people’s eyes). (Not my eyes, I swear, but I can see it happening.) Through Hurley, Isabella was able to convey that she and Richard will always be together through their shared experiences and pulled him back from the despair that had caused him to run in the jungle and seek out Anti-Locke’s allegiance. My favorite part was Hurley’s translation of “Tell him his English is beautiful” to “She says your English is awesome.”

Now, we’ve had Richard’s back story and we got crucial intel on the Island’s history. With the final season of “Lost” at its halfway point, the two sides have been set (Anti-Locke’s team vs. Jacob’s Jack Attack) – it’s time to get down to business!

So what’d you think of this episode? How IS Richard supposed to stop the MIB? How did Ilana end up all bandaged up in the hospital? (And do we care?) Finally, would Hurley really align himself with someone who is “evil”? (That’s my best argument for why Jacob is “good.”)

American Idol: Turning the Paige

I’m pretty sure we all just witnessed the worst performance in the history of “American Idol.”

(I’ll give you a few seconds to let that statement wash over you because I’m sure a proclamation of that magnitude probably seems like a gross exaggeration/overly-harsh snap judgment. When you’re ready to continue, I’ll be happy to lay out exactly why Paige Miles’ rendition of “Against All Odds” was the absolute worst “Idol” vocal of all time. Ready? Ok, let’s proceed.)

None of the audition round clowns are eligible for Worst of All-Time honors(?) because there’s no expectation that those people are supposed to be any good. I’m also eliminating the likes of John Stevens (“Crocodile Rock”), Kevin Covais (“Part Time Lover), Camile Velasco (“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”) and Sanjaya (“Anything”) because, even at their infamously worst, there was something funny about their awfulness.

You could make a case that Tim Urban’s take on “Apologize” from the semifinal round was worse, but the reason it’s not is because no one has ever confused Tim for a good vocalist.

And there’s the key ingredient that makes Paige’s performance the perfect storm of failure. Simply put, the woman who Simon Cowell has referred to as having the best voice among the females should never, EVER be this bad. (It’s the same reason I called “The Happening” the worst movie of 2008 — M. Night Shyamalan is WAY too talented to be making such an awful movie.)

When you combine the fact that Paige (pictured, left) should sound a LOT better with a hopelessly unoriginal song choice (“Against All Odds” REALLY needs to be retired from “Idol” immediately!), a clumsy performance (she could barely walk in her heels), and terrible execution (did she hit ONE note during that song?), you have the worst performance of all time. (Except maybe for when Ellen completely eschewed talking about Paige’s vocal — I get the “if you can’t say something nice” joke she was going for, but at this point what exactly is the point of Ellen?)

Worst of all, there was nothing funny about her performance. It was painful to watch and I felt embarrassed for her (which is amazing, because I really don’t care about her).

On the other hand, Tim Urban’s performance was embarrassing, but watching him lamely work the crowd during “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” was at least amusing. While his vocal wasn’t terrible (don’t snicker, that’s a big win for him), he continues to have a major disconnect with what he’s actually singing. Where Paige’s performance was flat-out terrible, Tim’s was lame and pointless. (You decide what’s worse.)

Of course, the big loser last night is Andrew Garcia, whose shocking awfulness has been unjustly ignored thanks to Paige.

Mentor Miley Cyrus (“It’s Miley!”) was on to something in that Andrew should ditch his guitar/crutch and try to cut loose. (Probably her best moment of the evening — other than the extreme indifference the camera caught in her face following Andrew’s performance.) Kara was absolutely right in that it looked like someone else was controlling Andrew’s body during his uncomfortable, mechanical cover of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.” Of course, none of that would matter if Andrew hadn’t been flatter than Lee Dewyze during the semifinal rounds. Simon probably has it right in that Andrew became overrated following his Paula Abdul Cover We Don’t Speak Of. I mean, we keep waiting for this guy to be good because — why again? (Frankly I was more impressed by Ricky Minor and the way he was slappin’ da upright bass!)

Unfortunately, the Unholy Trinity of Terrible (if all three come back next week, I pray that the producers have them sing back to back to back so their suck is confined to one block of suck) wasn’t even the worst part of “Billboard #1 Week.” (Or whatever the hell it was actually called.) The worst part was that, despite having the option to pick pretty much any hugely popular song from the history of Billboard charts, only one contestant picked a song that came out in the last 10 years.

That would be ok if the contestants who picked older hits had done something new or exciting with the ancient songs they picked. From the tone of the previous sentence, you can probably tell that wasn’t the case.

Lee Dewyze opened the show with the Box Tops’ “The Letter” (huh?) and, though he continues to make strides vocally, was terribly awkward and uncomfortable on stage. I also didn’t understand the choice of song insofar that it made him seem more like a (nervous) bandleader at a swing dance than a relevant recording artist in 2010. Putting the band on stage with him was a good idea, but I guess it was too much to ask that he actually interact with them.

Unfortunately, Michael “Lounge” Lynche, Casey James, and Siobhan Magnus (gasp!) delivered similarly irrelevant performances. Michael managed to stay put behind the microphone, yet still radiated cheese while bringing absolutely nothing new to “When a Man Loves a Woman.” Casey’s body still jerks in a weird way when he plays guitar and I don’t like the way he switched the words "just" and "might" around in the “Power of Love” to say “…and it just might save your life…” As for Siobhan, it didn’t even really feel like it was her on stage singing “Superstition” — it was almost as if someone was making fun of her on “Saturday Night Live” (the weird hair, the unnecessary glory note/screech). Also, what does a straightforward take of “Superstition” have to do with anything?!)

I mean, it was so depressing that Aaron Kelly and Katie Stevens gained favor in my mind simply by picking songs that came out in the last 15 years. I thought Aaron’s country twang to “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” was appealing, but it was otherwise a bad song choice. Not only was it too big for him (he tried to go “there” a few times, but couldn’t make it), but it didn’t allow him to do anything original in the verses. Katie’s choice of “Big Girls Don’t Cry” was savvy in that it came out recently AND that she actually had a pretty good chance of surpassing the original artist. (Sorry, Fergie Ferg!) I wouldn’t say she quite got there, but her competent-at-best performance was a surprisingly bright beacon in the sea of suck that was Tuesday night.

That leaves my two favorites of the evening — Didi Benami and Crystal Bowersox. I give them credit for delivering the best performances, but they’re not off the hook for their uninspired song choices!

The slow tempo of Didi’s “You’re No Good Cover” robbed her of the intensity she showed during Rolling Stones week, but she was assured on stage and she sounded good, so I was kind of shocked when the judges trashed her. (Especially given the truly heinous performances that had preceded her.)

Meanwhile, though Crystal gave the only unquestionably good performance of the evening, she’s not exactly inspiring her fans to jump out of their seats with her mind-blowing originality. Then again, given her “competition”, I’m extremely inclined with Simon when he told her not to change a thing.

In a season where the judges seem to be giving more conflicting advice than ever, it’s comforting to know precisely what you’re going to get from Crystal because she knows exactly what she wants to give you — you’re going to get some guitar-driven folk rock, but there’s also a great chance that it’s going to be awesome.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there a worst time to get eliminated than top 11 week? (Probably not.) Will Crystal really ditch her guitar next week? What’d you think of Miley as a mentor? (I think she was smart to steer clear of any vocal critiques.) Who do you think has given the worst performance in the history of “Idol”? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’ve got Paige, Tim and Katie in the bottom 3, with Paige going home — I mean, how do you come back from that?!)

Swan Lake at the Straz Performing Arts Center Review

I’ve been to an MLS game, I’ve been to an opera and I’ve been to a Celtic Woman concert, but I’d never experienced the ballet until recently.

When I saw the Moscow Festival Ballet’s production of “Swan Lake” was coming to Tampa, I naturally felt like I had to leap (or jete) at the opportunity.

(Ok, you got me, my girlfriend really wanted to see it, but I’m always up for expanding my horizons.)

I’m really happy our programs give us a detailed outline for the production’s storyline because I otherwise would’ve had no idea what the hell was going on. Obviously that’s fine because “storyline” isn’t the most important thing in a ballet. I actually kind of wish that I didn’t know what was going on, so I could’ve made up my own storyline.

The story — not that it matters that much — follows Prince Siegfried, who has just come of age. In his desire to be alone, he spies a group of white swans, which lead him to a nearby lake. There he discovers the swans are actually women who have been transformed by the wicked sorcerer Rotbart. The swans are lead by the beautiful Odette, who becomes the object of Prince Siegfried’s affection. Back at the palace, Rotbart tries to divert Prince Siegfried’s attention by introducing him to an Odette doppelganger named Odile. In order to break the curse, Siegfried must return to Swan Lake and profess his love to Odette.

“Swan Lake” is divided into four acts and, unfortunately, Act I is the weakest. Now, I may just feel that way because I was still trying to get my bearings, but the first act was confusing for me (there appeared to be two separate actors playing Prince Siegfried at one point). But then again, I’m easily confused. Oh well, at least the Jester stole the show and kept us entertained.

One aspect of the show that’s not up to debate is the fact that the absolute best scenes (Acts II and IV) take place at Swan Lake. They are absolutely beautiful, breathtaking and transformative.

Act III (with different women trying to woo Prince Siegfried) falls somewhere in between. (There were themes representing each woman’s country of origin, so my simplistic mind could actually follow it.)

Though the story portion of the production was probably a bit too abstract for my taste, there’s no denying the incredible dancing talent — the dancers leapt into the air and performed pirouettes with more ease than you and I display when we get in and out of our cars — on display in the Straz Performing Arts Center’s mid-size Ferguson Hall. (Pretty much every seat in the house was a good one.)

Swan Lake…B

Dancing with the Stars: Wham, Bam, Thank You Pam

It is now season 10 (insert Bruno Tonioli-style fist bump when you say “10!”) and this show may be as crazy as ever.

Of course, in the “Dancing with the Stars” universe, the crazier things are and the less amount of sense things make, the better! By that measure, the season 10 premiere was kind of a smashing success.

Let’s get right into how the couples — performing the cha cha cha and the Viennese waltz — did, in order of appearance. Here are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts.

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl: Bringing in Terrell Owens (probably the only NFL wide receiver more polarizing than Chad) for a cameo was a smart move. Is Terrell checking out the lay of the land for a possible season 11 run? I like this partnership, and I think Chad has lots of potential, though he has to overcome the typical tall guy thing where they all slouch. Still, he’s a natural performer and he has some dance talent. I believe he can be better than Michael Irvin, just as good as Jerry Rice, but not better than Emmitt Smith (at least not yet).

Shannen Doherty & Mark: She’s very not smooth so far (the music said Viennese waltz, but her violent arms suggested paso doble) and her breasts appeared to be weighing down her chest and preventing her from having the proper posture. She’s doing this show for her dad, so I can’t be too mad at her. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself at all, which never reads well on TV and will likely lead to a pretty early ouster. She’s lucky Kate Gosselin is around to be eliminated before her.

Erin Andrews & Maks: Unfortunately, I was much more impressed by her rehearsal footage – denying Maks the pleasure of bitching at her, claiming she’d requested Tony Dovolani — than I was by anything in her cha cha cha, which was probably overscored. Her gangly arm movements and total lack of hip action reminded me of early Joanna Krupa. I eventually warmed up to Joanna, so there’s hope for Erin. She has the athletic ability, but I’m not sure the musicality is there. Still, she’s a Gator, so I’m gonna keep rooting for her and if she keeps cranking out entertaining rehearsal packages, she could be around a while.

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie: I guess Jake just wasn’t ready to stop being on TV. His footwork was terrible to the point that it distracted from his bad posture, but I really liked his enthusiasm. I promise I’m not going all Paula Abdul on you — enthusiasm is actually a big part of this show. I can’t stand it when it looks like the celebs don’t really want to be there. How long until his fiancée Vienna sits in on a rehearsal with cutie pie Chelsie? One week? Two, tops.

Niecy Nash & Louis: She’s great fun and I love the sassiness. (Can a white person be considered sassy?) I have no idea whether she can really dance yet or not, but her sheer enthusiasm should carry her at least a week or two. (I also think Louis is the perfect partner for her.) Unfortunately for her, this show is so intense that she’ll lose weight, no matter how many cheeseburgers she chomps on before they go to commercial. If Pamela weren’t around to gobble up most of the campy/vampy points, I could see her lasting a good while. I guess Niecy’s strategy is to go after the Jiggly vote.

Evan Lysacek & Anna: He was about what you’d expect: he had terrific lines, he looked great on the dance floor, but his footwork was kind of clunky (which is happens when you have to take steps as opposed to gliding across ice) and he needs to work on his chemistry with partner. (Anna still seems like she can hardly believe her luck that she finally got a partner that gives her a chance to actually win.)

Buzz Aldrin & Ashly: What do you want me to say? The man IS a legend and he’s 80 years old. Unfortunately, as an 80 year old who has put his body through a lot more stress than we could ever imagine, the man can barely walk straight, so we can’t really expect him to burn up the dance floor. I swear I don’t mean this as an insult – I hope he goes home next week. He’s already done what he came to do — prove he can dance on national TV and hit on his much younger partner. However, if he DOES stay around, maybe we can find out what’s up with his wife — she’s had so much work done that she looks like a young person in old-age makeup!

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek: Erica’s choice to win it all — and she made Erica look like a very smart person. (For the record, I think Evan is a lock to win, and Nicole will probably end up as this season’s Mya.) Speaking of “probably”, Nicole said she was “probably” best known as the lead singer of Pussycat Dolls. At least when Shannon said she was “probably” best known from “Beverly Hills, 90210”, a bunch of “Charmed” fans could’ve had a legitimate beef! Anyway, her Viennese waltz was terrific (she’s strong technically AND a good performer) and Len (though I understand what he was doing in tempering expectations) simply came off as a cranky old coot.

Aiden Turner & Edyta: I honestly don’t see what Aiden did to offend the judges and only earn a 15. I don’t see why his cha cha cha was noticeably worse than Chad or Erin’s, for example. My only explanation is that Edyta’s fringe-heavy outfit overshadowed everything her partner did. (As is often the case.) At least she wore the white winter coat longer than I thought before whipping it off. I hope Aiden gets another chance because he’s pretty funny and I think he has some skills.

Kate Gosselin & Tony: She had REALLY basic choreography, which she did competently, but it was hopelessly boring. On top of that, she was hopelessly nervous (which is completely understandable). When you combine her boring dance with the fact that so many people seem to hate her, she appears to be a stone cold lock to go home first.

Pamela Anderson & Damian (pictured, left): To say she brought “sexy back” to the ballroom wouldn’t be completely accurate, because this show has seen its fair share of contestants that are pleasing to the eye. (Kim Kardashian, a fellow sex tape star, was completely lame, disengaged and anti-sexy during her “DWTS” run.) It’d be more accurate to say she brought SEX to the ballroom. And on a first night where many people were understandably tentative and stiff, it was a welcome sight. There’s a good chance she was high and/or drunk (or buzzed, at the very least). I have no idea whether she can actually dance (probably not), but I’m definitely interested in seeing more performances from Pamela Anderson. She was insane, ridiculous, over-the-top and a little tipsy. In other words, she was everything this show is about!

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you like the new Celebaquarium? (I miss the old backstage area. Why are they not using that anymore? Are the carpets getting shampooed?! I DO enjoy the new judges’ scores graphics though.) What do you think of Brooke Burk as the new co-host? (She’s much sleepier than Samantha, but not nearly as offensively-bad, which, I have to admit, I kinda miss. Also, boobs!) Finally, who do you think is getting sent home next week? (Kate Gosselin and Buzz Aldrin are NOT long for this insane world.)

24: Chloe to the Rescue

I’d love to tell you how great it was to see Chloe take center stage for the first time in a long time, but we all know she’s not good with praise.

Instead, I’ll save my kudos for an hour of “24” that had our hero in the middle of an intense gunfight for the better part of an hour, yet managed to make a darkened, powerless CTU seem like THE exciting place to be.

And I suppose I’ll also talk about that stupid twist in the end.

The hour picked up with CTU hurting from the detonation of the electromagnetic pulse bomb. Since CTU offices are already pretty dark to begin with, having the lights out didn’t make much of an aesthetic difference. (Maybe they’re intentionally dark so that, in the event of an EMP, CTU employees will be able to continue working because they’re accustomed to having no light.)

Still, CTU needed to get its power back so they could track the nuclear rods. Jack called the national NSA office, which sent over Frank Haynam from NSA’s New York office and possibly the biggest dickhead in the history of this show. Honestly, this guy made Brian Hastings from earlier this season look like Mr. Congeniality. (Unlike Chloe, I don’t believe Haynam is “probably an ok guy when he’s not at work” — he’s probably a prick to his family too.)

Chloe had an (admittedly riskier) idea to get CTU’s power back quicker (the buzz term of the episode was “trunk line”) so they could assist Jack, but Haynam bristled and eventually had her removed. That led Chloe to force Haynam out of the room at gunpoint so she could try her own method. Haynam got Hastings (who Haynam had rubbed the wrong way earlier) and demanded to have her arrested. Chloe begged for 10 minutes to complete her work, leading to a genuine applause moment when Hastings backed her up.

Sure, Hastings’ about-face may seem a little unbelievable to some. We have to keep reminding ourselves that, even though we’ve been watching these people for months, it’s only been a few hours in the characters’ lives. So having Hastings do this 180 and support Chloe may ring false to some. However, I’m perfectly happy to accept this turn of events because, over the last few hours/episodes, Hastings has proven himself to be thick, but not so thick that he won’t listen to a good suggestion. More specifically, the Hastings character seems to have learned what we at home already know — you should always listen to Jack and Chloe. (Or maybe I was just happy to see Haynam taken down a few notches.)

Then there’s Chloe, who was completely at her best last night. She brought the sour face and the biting quips (telling Dana she’d be a lot further along if she stopped talking to her), but she also demonstrated that undying, almost puppy-like loyalty to Jack.

It turned out that Jack needed all the help he could get.

Jack, Cole, Young Agt. Owen, and Anonymous CTU Agent Who was Destined to Do Something Stupid and Get Himself Killed got pinned down by Samir’s men as Samir and Tarin attempted to get the rods across the East River.

Samir had jammed the field team’s cell phones, so Jack’s only hope was to reach a semi conveniently-placed hard line phone. They seemed well on their way there in a Jack-designed barrier until Anonymous Guy freaked out, got himself shot and basically led to a recreation of the Vin Diesel sniper scene from “Saving Private Ryan.” Agt. Owen, God bless his poopypants little heart, tried to save Anonymous Guy, but ended up getting mortally-wounded himself. (It sucks to not be as famous as Kiefer Sutherland and Freddie Prinze Jr. when there’s a firefight going down!) Oh well, at least Agt. Owen died under the belief that he’d saved Anonymous Guy. And at least Anonymous Guy died being an idiot.

Eventually, Jack himself drew fire from the bad guys (Kiefer’s the star of the show, so none of the bullets pierced his armor) and was about to get shot in the head until Renee re-entered this season’s storyline. (Chloe had actually called her and asked her to help before.) Mostly, I was just glad Jack and Renee didn’t take that opportunity to talk about their “relationship.” Unfortunately, Samir, Tarin and the rods made it across the river and into the city, setting the stage for the nuclear threat that will likely dominate the next few hours.

Samir and Co. will likely have help from the latest (though certainly not greatest) CTU mole — Dana Walsh!

Remember a few weeks ago when I said the two components of a great twist are 1.) that it’s surprising and 2.) that it makes perfect sense in hindsight? Well, the Dana-is-a-mole development sadly only fills one of these requirements. I was certainly surprised, but the reason I didn’t see it coming is because it doesn’t make any damn sense!

We learned of Dana’s betrayal after she strangled parole officer Bill Prady and stored him in an incredibly convenient corpse-sized grate in the room where Prady was waiting to speak to Hastings. (I mean, seriously, is that space specifically there to hide dead bodies? Why else would that be there?!)

Dana whipped out her phone (to call Cole, we presumed), but instead she phoned Samir to tell him her problem had been taken care of. If Dana was the IRK’s mole in CTU all along, why wouldn’t THEY deal with the Kevin Wade/Bill Prady saga, instead of having Dana risk her cover by going on all these dangerous side missions? Also, I know CTU’s HR department is a joke, but are we really meant to believe they hired someone who had a hidden criminal past AND ties to a terrorist organization?!

I hate to be cynical, but it seems to me like the writers realized the Dana Walsh saga was bombing in a big way and desperately came up with way to tie her to the season’s main storyline. I hope I’m wrong.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you ok with the Dana Walsh twist? Are Chloe and Hastings besties now? Finally, is it possible for Samir to have less of a personality?

The Celebrity Apprentice: Guilty as Sinbad

“It’s a Kodak world. Welcome.”

If you’re a “Celebrity Apprentice” nut like me (highly unlikely, I know), you recognize those immortal words from Gene Simmons during season 1, when he convinced himself that he’d created the greatest advertising slogan of all time and basically dared Donald Trump to fire him (which he did).

It was a Kodak world (welcome) once again last night when both teams were charged with creating a Kodak storefront experience. And even though the episode didn’t reach the loony heights of that Gene Simmons classic, there was still plenty of fun to be had.

Before Trump stepped out of his limo (I guess he’s done walking) and presented Team RockSolid and Team Tenacity with their task, we saw Bret Michaels present a $100,000 check to his diabetes charity. More specifically, we saw a little kid and a mildly freaked out teenager with an uncomfortable smile plastered on his face sit quietly and nod as Brett tried in vain to put them at ease with his sense of humor. I’m guessing the combination of Bret’s makeup and his insistence on pronouncing diabetes as “dia-bee-tus” is what scared them. (I wonder what they would’ve thought of Bret’s introduction of the word “dis-com-boo-berated” into the lexicon last night.)

Anyway, Trump introduced the task and asked for project managers. The women of Tenacity somewhat arbitrarily settled on Maria Kanellis, while Rod Blagojevich somewhat arbitrarily settled on Sinbad, and the rest of the men went along with it.

Despite the fact that she was seemingly chosen at random, Maria tore into the task enthusiastically. In fact, her biggest “challenge” during the preparation stage was bladder-challenged Cyndi Lauper who (if we’re to believe the editing) is SO annoying that Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks would rather practically jump out of a moving vehicle in the middle of traffic than have to endure sitting next to Cyndi when she’s talking. Personally, I’m loving me some Cyndi Lauper (especially when she’s talking to herself/traffic while carrying a giant rug), even if she is the “hooker” of the team.

It also appeared the women had a problem on their hands when Sharon Osbourne took ill and missed the second half of the first day. That turned out to be a non-issue except for the part where Maria (in her biggest misstep of the day) inexplicably put Sharon on the food stand during the challenge. Oh well, at least all the people who undoubtedly got sick that day can claim that they caught celebrity germs.

On the other side, I was happy to see that Sinbad appeared to know what he was talking about because no one else did!

Certainly not Bret Michaels, who tried to coax an assignment out of Sinbad before getting frustrated and giving himself a time out. But if “Celebrity Apprentice 3” has taught us something in its young life, it’s this — Bret Michaels’ mom didn’t raise no dummy! Bret realized the crew was filming him isolating himself and looking frustrated. Bret is a veteran of THREE “Rock of Loves” — the man understands reality show editing, and the man was getting the Malcontent Edit!

He demanded an assignment from Sinbad, who spouted more nonsense, but eventually lead to the guys going out in the streets of New York City and creating Kodak moments. (Bret’s Kodak moment apparently involves getting hoisted by his “cojones.”)

The women may have the genius of Cyndi Lauper on their side, but the men have the ferocious double shot of Bret and Rod Blagojevich on their side. Just when I think the guy can’t get any sleazier (asking the cameraman, “Did you get that?” after shaking a guy’s hand during a confessional and claiming he’s part of something called the “Fellowship of Doers”), he comes back with a weirdly zealous and endearing affection for balloons (GOLDENROD!), inspiring Sinbad’s sole funny riff of the night.

The task began and the women seemed more organized and on the ball. In fact, they were doing so well that Trump, sitting in his office and monitoring the action, decided to even the score a bit by pulling a giant switch labeled “Power” and blacking out the women’s store whenever they pulled too far ahead. (At least that’s how I imagined it happening in my head.) The repeated power outages (probably due to all the products the women were displaying) caused a logjam in the Kodak Moments stations, where many of the visitors (including Secret Shopper Lauren) couldn’t find their pictures.

I forgot to mention — the Kodak bigwigs, in their infinite sneakiness, sent a Secret Shopper to each Kodak store. Secret Shopper James visited the men’s store and was pretty much on his own.

Team RockSolid decided to heavily rely on their celebrity and had set up stations where visitors could pose with the various celebrities in their (un)natural environments. (Blagojevich had no natural environment, so he was relegated to taking pictures.) Unfortunately, they neglected showing off the Kodak products (which is why we were all here last night — to sell Kodak products) and the cards that were supposed to send people online to find their pictures apparently didn’t work. (To me, that was a bigger faux-pas.)

The product knowledge put the women over the top (Summer Sanders has a job waiting for her at Kodak after she gets fired), and Maria won $20,000 for the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

The men had to face Trump in a relatively drama-free boardroom, since it was pretty clear Sinbad was going home. There was some attempt to place blame on Bret, who had also shown up a scandalous ten minutes late during day 2 (“stupid early” in rocker time), but pretty much everyone agreed that Bret is a stronger overall player than Sinbad.

Sinbad (who’d brought Bret and Blago) back with him never had a chance. This show hates stand-up comedians. Don’t believe me? Andrew Dice Clay was the first person sent home last season, and this year the two comedians (Sinbad and Carol Leifer) have already been sent packing. The real highlight of this portion was Sharon Osborne’s hilarious commentary while watching the men in the boardroom. She called Michael Johnson a “dumbo” and speculated that Goldbert had a “little d---.” This was funny stuff, but Sharon is technically not a comedian, so she should be safe.

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s more humiliating — being told, “You’re a disgrace, enjoy prison” or being mistaken for Donny Osmond (pictured, left)? What the hell was on Maria’s head during the first day? (A hat, an adornment, her hair?) Finally, how long before Cyndi and Trump get into an all-out shouting match? (I love their not-so-secretly antagonistic relationship.)

Project Runway: New York State of Mind

Well that was just about the least suspenseful episode of “Project Runway” I’ve ever seen.

It’s too bad because the hour had potential, both from a competitive standpoint (an interesting challenge – well, it was interesting unless you happen to live in New York’s Upper East Side, where apparently NOTHING is interesting) and from a drama standpoint (it was a team challenge).

Instead, it was obvious from the very beginning (and in the middle, and during the runway show) who would excel in the challenge – which was to create a day time and evening look inspired by one of four sections in New York City – and who would absolutely tank. In a crazy random happenstance, the duos who were actually excited about their chosen neighborhoods did well, while the ones who skulked through their field trips ended up in the bottom two.

In the one mildly interesting turn of events in this episode, Emilio conceived and actually carried out a diabolical (in his mind) plan to mess with both Mila and Jay Nicolas. Anthony and Maya (pictured, right, in Chinatown), and Amy and Jonathan (Upper East Side) had already been paired up and Emilio had the next pick. Earlier, he’d confessionalized about not wanting to get “stuck” with Mila (someday, maybe we’ll learn why everyone hates her), but he seemed to take an uncommon amount of glee in selecting Seth Aaron (and choosing his native Harlem), so that Jay Nicolas would have no choice but to work with Mila (in the East Village). Yes, it was incredibly petty, and, no, it didn’t make much sense, but it’s always nice when a plan comes together, so good for you Emilio!

I mean, I feel like I’ve been watching this season pretty closely (I DO recap every episode, after all), and I just don’t remember the part where Jay Nicolas and Mila have this bitter longstanding feud. Yet apparently the (ill) feeling is mutual. Unfortunately, the duo had to go and behave all professionally, which is great for them, but long stretches of silence as the two worked independently didn’t really make for compelling TV.

The field trips were kinda fun (except for the enemy-of-fun Upper East Side). The black people in Harlem seemed as taken aback by Seth Aaron as he did by them (but in a good way), while Anthony probably lost all appetite he might’ve had for duck after his visit to Chinatown. Meanwhile, Jay Nicolas and Mila eyed a bunch of graffiti in the East Village while talking to each other as little as possible.

Not too much activity in the workroom this episode. Makeup guy Collier Strong getting Tim Gunn’s screen time is NOT a change I want to believe in!

Let’s get right to the runway show which, like the rest of this episode was missing something – namely Michael Kors. I’ve seen Michael Kors and, guest judge Francisco Costa (or the “fashionable” Molly Sims) – you are NO Michael Kors.

It was no shock to see Emilio/Seth Aaron and Anthony/Maya in the top 2/4, and it was even less of a shock to see the former team take the top prize. (Ok, so it WAS actually a bit of a shock to see the panel give both Emilio and Seth Aaron the win, a “Runway” first.)

It was very well deserved. Though I dug Emilio’s zippered dress with the yellow peeking out from inside, Seth Aaron’s hip denim outfit was the standout piece. Nina, though, is probably right that he could use a more discerning editing eye (Seth Aaron also benefited from Emilio’s insistence on color), but I actually think it’s kinda cool that he just throws stuff together. It doesn’t always work and I think it’s something that could stop him from winning, but it’s cool.

I really liked Anthony and Maya’s evening look (clever way to incorporate the dragon), but I really wish they would’ve used more red or gold. And even though I liked both the top and the bottom of their day wear look, I thought they looked weird together.

This all left Jay Nicolas/Mila and Amy/Jonathan in the bottom 2/4.

I actually didn’t hate Jay Nicolas and Mila’s work as much as the judges did. Ok, so Jay Nicolas’ tank top WAS a train wreck (it tanked, as Jay himself said), and his entire outfit was probably too hipstery by half (even for the hippest hipster), but, given his excellent track record, there was never any way he was going home. Mila, meanwhile, skated by with yet another black-white, mod creation with a dash of red thrown in.

That meant the team with the least inspiring neighborhood in the history of ever was sent home. Amy and Jonathan could’ve at least tried to go super stately and created a pair of super elegant looks, but Jonathan’s brown evening dress was simply odd, and Amy’s day wear look was a weird creamsicle color that didn’t have anything to do with anything.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I like Amy Sarabi, and I think she’s very talented, but sometimes her ideas were just TOO far out there – or at least far enough out there that she couldn’t execute them herself. Most of all, I’ll miss saying “Sarrraaabbbii” ala Scar in “The Lion King” every time her name flashed on screen.

So what’d you think of this episode? Should Jonathan have automatically been made a captain since he won last week and didn’t get immunity? (Would it have made a difference?) Finally, what do people do for fun on the Upper East Side? (Other than watch their maids vacuum their apartments.)

America's Next Top Recap: Alexandra the Not-So Great

If you think watching and recapping this show for three years (and five cycles) gives me some sort of keen sense of insight, I’d point you to my season premiere column.

I would then point to all the stuff that went down on the latest “Top Model.” After all that, you would point at me and laugh.

I mean, could I have been more wrong? In case you don’t feel like slogging through my insta-disaster of a season premiere recap, I’ll quickly recap: the girl I liked the most got eliminated second, and the girl I like the second most got sent home first. (Hey, I guess it COULD have been more wrong!) Meanwhile, the girl I arbitrarily picked to go home first actually won best photo in the season’s first challenge. (Ok, back in the pits where I belong.)

The episode picked up right where the last one left off – with the models about to do a “nude” photo shoot. (The girls actually got to select one item of clothing from a mannequin to use in their shot, so I do not think the word “nude” means what the producers think it means.)

Jessica may have taken top photo honors (and it wasn’t undeserved), but I actually liked Ren’s shot the best. Her face was so strong that you didn’t even notice she was nude — or maybe that was just me. I thought Tatianna (getting the most coverage out of a scarf) and Brenda also did a nice job.

Still, the unquestioned star of the first portion of last night’s (unnecessarily) 90-minute extravaganza was new judge Andre Leon Talley, editor-at-large at Vogue. (From here on out, I’ll refer to him as ALT, because call him “Andre” or “Talley” feels like I’m short-changing the craziness.)

In case you can’t tell, I’m very excited about the ALT area on ANTM. He’s the opposite of “dreckitude.” Even Tyra thinks he’s crazy! (And that’s saying something.) More importantly, ALT has a mixture of personality and credibility unmatched by anyone on this show besides Tyra. I mean, when the guy with the cape and the lion’s tooth around his neck told Anslee to take off her necklace, I had to laugh. He’s the most exciting addition to this show since Janice Dickinson.

He’s also the only reason Alasia is still in this competition and Gabrielle is not. They were CLEARLY the two worst, but I thought Gabrielle had tons more potential and knowledge (and is 500% less annoying around the house). Still, Alasia’s picture was, at least, interesting in how weird and terrible it was. Gabrielle’s low-key pose, on the other hand, was downright depressing.

Gabrielle was sent packing, and I was left missing the hilariously bad, Auto-tuned exit music from the previous cycle. (I guess you have to be 5’7” and under to be able to hear that music.) I’m being serious – I really miss that song. :(

Anyway, there was little time to grief because we basically had another episode to get through.

Fortunately, Ms. J appears to be taking his/her demotion well and led spirited runway lesson that included showing the girls how to walk and take off a coat in a stylish way. (Not surprisingly, Alasia bombed.) My favorite part came when the girls took their lesson to the streets, strutting their stuff along a NYC crosswalk, much to the hilarious confusion of passerby.

The reward challenge had the models walking in a Rachel Roy runway show. As if the scary (yet relatively lightweight) swinging pendulums weren’t scary enough, the models also had to negotiate about 50 marble steps before reaching the runway.

Simone was up first and got absolutely nailed by the first pendulum, causing me to exclaim, “Oh!” That was nothing compared to poor Alexandra’s walk (pictured, left). I actually yelled out “Oh no!” twice – once when she slipped down the stairs, and another when she got knocked off the runway. (The stairs looked more painful, for the record.) I guess the competitiveness she’s always talking about doesn’t really come into play when you’re facing off against a pair of pendulums and a marble staircase. (In case you care, Brenda won the reward challenge, though I honestly don’t remember much about her walk other than, “She didn’t fall in any way.” She got to keep her Rachel Roy gown.)

Back at the house, Ren, who had previously said she was “too intelligent” for all the other girls at the house (double UGH!), told Alasia to “shut the f--- up.” I’m sure you can guess how well that went over. There was no way for me to care about either person in this fight. Alasis is aggressively annoying, but I’ll still take her over the relentlessly unpleasant Ren (who kinda looks like Megan Fox with her hair slicked back, no?)

Fortunately, (for me) it seems like Ren may be mentally checking out of this competition. You see, it turns out that she wasn’t ready for all the drama with the other contestants. It all makes sense to me — Ren either doesn’t own a TV or has one that doesn’t get the CW, Bravo, Oxygen, VH-I, etc. because it’s obvious she’s NEVER seen this show.

Anyway, the second episode’s photo shoot had the models spraying themselves with blue perfume and trying to get a pretty picture while being sprayed in the face with wind and water. (Seriously.)

The best photo discussion begins and ends with Raina. (Though Krista gets an honorable mention.) Unlike most of the other girls’, the water didn’t appear to bother Raina and she was able to burn a hole right through the camera with her eye(brow)s.

The worst photos belonged to the bottom two (things are lining up so far this cycle): Ren and Naduah. Ren looked like she was ill in her photo (if she ends up quitting, she can no doubt snag the coveted H1N1 campaign), while Naduah’s was comically bad. It was like a bad, scary parody of what a fashion photograph looks like.

Ren got to stay and Naduah was sent home, leaving Raina and company to wonder which parts of her mysterious past were true and which were made-up. (Eh, they’re probably over it.) Personally, I’m disappointed that Naduah turned out to be sort of an insane kook, because I thought she had a strong enough look to go far in the competition.

Shows what I know.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you like that the girl who wins top photo honors one week gets to partake in the reward the following week? (Since there’s no immunity, and having the photo plastered around the loft is no great shakes, I like it.) Are you enjoying Andre Leon Talley? (How can you not?)Am I the only one who says “ugh” every time Angelea advances? Finally, did you know Naduah grew up in a cult?