Jersey Shore: Note-Worthy

I realize the eligibility period for this Sunday’s Emmys ended a while ago. That’s too bad because a couple of “Jersey Shore” cast members gave award-worthy performances last night.

For better or worse (worse!), the main storyline this season has been the Ronnie/Sammi drama. At the end of last week, J-Woww and Snooki composed a note detailing just a sampling of Ronnie’s transgressions (I believe fat girls, multiple makeout partners, and taking shots off of breasts were involved).

This week, they snuck the note into Sammi’s stuff — nice to see Sammi has one of those plastic drawer storage contraptions from K-Mart like the rest of us. Afterwards, everyone else tried their damndest to convince her that they didn’t know anything about the note or about what Ronnie had been up to.

I’m actually going to switch things up a bit and hand out some awards.

Best Actor in a Drama: Pauly D. We couldn’t see his face when Sammi confronted him about Ronnie making out with two girls, but Pauly D’s voice and speech never wavered. He was so damned convincing as the told Sammi that he never saw Ronnie because he was busy doing his own thing, that it made the flashback to Pauly D laughing and pointing to Ronnie as he, yep, made out with two girls all the more glorious.

Best Actor in a Comedy: The Situation. Ok, so he didn’t have to pretend to not know about the note (he REALLY didn’t know), and Ronnie/Sammi never really confronted him, so he didn’t have to lie. However, his uproarious laughter upon hearing about the note was an absolute highlight of this episode. That laughter over the childishness of everything put the ridiculous Ronnie/Sammi melodrama in perspective. Bonus points for recovering nicely after confirming an item in the note by saying, “If it’s on paper, it’s the truth.”

Worst Actor in a Drama: Ronnie. Even Ronnie is beginning to act like he’s completely over the Ronnie/Sammi drama. He re-deployed his “Deny, deny, deny” strategy, but his heart didn’t really seem to be into it and I didn’t believe him. (And that’s not just because I KNOW he’s lying.) Further proof that he’s no longer invested in this relationship — he immediately went into the other room and told his hometown honey to meet him in Miami for some G.T.S. (If you don’t know what the “S” stands for, you haven’t been paying attention.)

Worst Actress in a Drama: Snooki. Our poor Snooki simply cannot tell a lie. She could NOT make eye contact with Sammi when the erstwhile Ms. Sweetheart was grilling her. If The Situation hadn’t come in at that point, I think she would’ve cracked.

Quietest Supporting Actor in a Drama: Vinny. He used whispers and sign language to warn Ronnie about the note. Somehow the fact that low-key Vinny’s signature moment in this episode involved him not talking was…perfect.

Best Supporting Performance: J-Woww’s hands. They did a nice job holding up J-Woww’s breasts as she admired herself in the mirror.

Believe it or not, other stuff happened in the episode!

The night opened with what looked like was going to be a sequel to the classic season 1 episode that introduced the country to the term grenade. The Situation set it up so that two sets of girls arrived at the house. However, whatever conflict (or excitement) there could have been was quickly defused when Mike separated the girls, put the grenade-y hippo to bed (did he slip her Ambien?), while MVP took care the other three girls.

In other Situation news, he got into a dust-up with Angelina who (shockingly!) refused to do dishes. The two got into a shouting match that hilariously ended with the Situation telling Angelina to hit the elliptical because it would be better for her than the treadmill. Once again, whatever drama could’ve arisen from this was quickly squashed when the Situation apologized and included Angelina in the group dinner. (Personally, I would’ve apologized and STILL excluded her from the dinner unless she did the dishes — I’m not a cook AND a maid!)

The rest of the highlights sprang from little moments that show you how close the cast has become.

Snooki and Emilio re-broke up when he found out she’d been clubbing with some gays. (He then threatened to party with lesbians.) I liked the way J-Woww was there for her girl (even if that mid-street hug was dangerous), and the way Pauly D jokingly(?) threatened to track down Emilio.

I also got a kick out of the fact that Ronnie thinks he knows Snooki so well, that he dismissed her as the author of the note because she wouldn’t possibly use the word “wisely.” Low-blow! Snooki learned and used the word “sympathetic” in this episode — she’s virtually a tiny, orange thesaurus!

So what’d you think of this episode? Why don’t any of the guys (or their girls) get grossed out by the fact that two other people are having sex about three feet away?

Project Runway: Team Challenged

I think I finally figured out why “Project Runway” expanded to 90-minute episodes this year: Gretchen talks SO much that a mere hour couldn’t contain all her rambling.

I’ll talk more about Gretchen — including my surprising mini-defense of the “Manipulative One” — a bit later. First, I want to discuss the latest episode in what is quickly becoming an increasingly delicious (too gay?) season.

The challenge for the week was blah blah something about creating a collection in line with fashion trends for fall 2010 blah. All you needed to know was that this was the season’s first team challenge.

As we all know team challenges on any reality show — and in real life — usually end in disaster. This person tries to take over…that person doesn’t pull his or her weight. On “Project Runway”, the naturally-tense team dynamic is multiplied by 1,000 since the work these designers do is often so intensely personal. And I haven’t even thrown the necessary “creativity” into the mix.

“What John Thinks” favorite Michael C. got the first pick and made his biggest misstep of the competition (even worse than not being able to create a proper cowl): he picked Gretchen. At first glance, it wasn’t a terrible pick. Gretchen HAS won two challenges after all. Upon further review (and by “further review”, I mean “after thinking it over for five seconds”), this was a bad choice. The teams weren’t supposed to have leaders, but it was clear to everyone but Michael C. that Gretchen would inevitably take over. (In case you’re curious, I would’ve used my first pick on Valerie.)

Gretchen was the unofficial head of Team Luxe, which selected the concept of “Menswear for Women” and “camel” as their fabric. They faced off against unofficial leader Valerie and the team unofficially known as the “Bad News Bears”, who had zero challenge wins between them and selected a “military” concept with “lace.”

For a while, the editing was setting up Team Luxe’s fall (and the misfits’ victory) SO obviously, that I thought they were faking us out and that the “cool” kids might pull out the victory after all.

That feeling got stronger when the show gave us a confused/insecure Peach and Casanova going Casanova. After his 22nd consecutive unfavorable critique from Tim, Casanova lost it. Since the judges repeatedly questioned his taste, he threatened to quit and resigned himself to a life of designing for old ladies and sluts. He was eventually talked off the ledge by his Titi, Michael C., his model and Valerie, who told him to put his panties back on in her confessional.

Even with all that individual drama, the Island of Misfit Boys and Girls largely ended up winning the challenge for that very individuality. Team Luxe, on the other hand, opted for a more homogenous approach that had everyone working on everyone’s outfit, even if it completely clashed with their design aesthetic. (Hi, A.J.! Um, bye!)

Personally, I wasn’t blown away by either collection. I thought some of the pieces in the military/lace collection were a bit iffy (except for the gold buttons, what did Peach’s have to do with anything), and I didn’t think Team Luxe’s work was as bad as the judges made it out to be (Christopher’s pants were pretty great). Well, except for the part where nothing stood out, and the models didn’t look the least bit current.

The two standouts from the Bad News Bears were Peach and Casanova, with our “Fish in the Water” taking the victory for the week. Raise your hand if you had him winning this (or any) week. (Stop lying!)

Still, it can probably be argued that the show didn’t really start until Team Luxe faced the judges for their critiques. Backstage, they’d agreed to present a united front, and they stubbornly stuck to that tactic early on when Gretchen did most of the talking about how she adored the collection. In fact, they were a little TOO united for my taste — things got downright weird for me when a few of the designers started tearing up.

That camaraderie eventually crumbled when the judges started picking apart the team’s/Gretchen’s aesthetic. Feeling the tide turning, Gretchen quickly jumped on the “this collection sucks” bandwagon, calling it “crappy” and pointing out the “awful 80’s dress” she made. Things got even worse when the judges asked who the weakest designer was.

Now, I don’t know enough about design — and nobody knows enough about what’s been going on backstage this season — to know if Michael C. is really as untalented as Team Luxe made him out to be. However, any way you slice it, the fact that they piled on him only served to make everyone look bad. (What a shame that A.J., the only person who accepted responsibility for his shortcomings this week, got sent home.) What’s worse is that Michael had immunity, so the piling on was absolutely pointless since Michael C. couldn’t be eliminated — unless the point was to make Michael cry, which he did backstage.

Normally, I’d tell him to nut up, but some of the insults were downright personal and nasty —which brings me to Ivy, my LEAST favorite contestant this season. (Yes, even more than Gretchen.) I mean, Gretchen may be horrible, but she has some wins in her pocket and has her own voice. Ivy has proven herself to be nothing more than a wretched sycophant eager to do Gretchen’s bidding and ready to nod along to her every order. The “I don’t know if it’s laziness or ignorance” comment was bad enough, but how about her suggestion that Michael C. might tank this challenge because he had immunity. Ugh, I hate her.

And that’s why I was absolutely flabbergasted that she wasn’t in the bottom 2 (or even the bottom 3). I suppose that I’m glad the judges stuck Gretchen in the bottom 2 to give her a wakeup call. However, that wakeup call came a few moments later courtesy of Tim Gunn, who probably delivered his finest Tim Gunn moment last night. (And that’s saying something.)

Before sending A.J. home to pack his belongings and leave, he had these articulate, cutting words for Team Luxe. I’ll re-print them verbatim because it was just THAT good:

“I fundamentally do not understand your behavior and demeanor and affect on the runway. I don’t get it. I don’t know why you allowed Gretchen to manipulate, control, and bully you. I don’t understand it.”

Boom. Roasted.

The only thing I would add (in Gretchen’s slight defense) is that it’s not her fault that her teammates were a bunch of weak, brainless minions. Would’ve been nice to see someone stand up to her.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were Casanova’s struggles really making him fat? (That was fantastically random.) Should the models be allowed to help the designers with their sewing? (It seems like cheating to me, but the real solution would be to stop having insane one-day challenges!) Will Ivy and the others continue to see the light or will their epiphany prove short-lived? Finally, what’s the female equivalent of “butt buddy”? (Because that’s what Ivy is to Gretchen.)

Jersey Shore: Please Read the Letter That I Wrote

FINALLY.

The latest genius episode of “Jersey Shore” delivered the kind of inspired lunacy that made me fall in love with this thing in season 1. It also left me no choice but to go all caps with the opening line of this recap.

This episode was a tour-de-force even before the first commercial break.

The action picked up right where we left off last week, with Ronnie giving some anonymous girl a lap dance after failing Sammi’s test and going out, despite the fact that she actually/telepathically/obviously wanted him to stay home. (Note: the sooner we get the crew into a club or bar in every episode, the better.)

As we soon learned, Ronnie is not too keen on examinations. “I don’t like tests – that’s why I didn’t go to college.” (OHHH, THAT’S why!) Miraculously, that was only my second favorite Ronnie line from that exchange. As he and Sammi began to argue, he said that he didn’t want to beat a dead horse: “The horse is dead…you gotta live it alone.” (Thank you for further spelling out what that phase means – seriously…thank you! That was fantastic!)

By the way, all of this went down after Snooki may or may not have broken up with her boyfriend, who phoned her to say “I f---ed another girl tonight. I’m sorry.” (Another truly underrated gem.) Snooki had tried calling him earlier only to be told that Emilio was too busy to talk because he was surrounded by half-naked girls. He told Snooki to “F--- off.” After Emilio’s confession, J-Woww (not a voicemail) took over phone duties and threatened Emilio, because it’d been over an hour since she’d threatened someone.

The thing of it is, I’m still not 100% sure Emilio was being serious. As soon as Snooki flipped out, he sprained his ankle as he backtracked by claiming that he was kidding. Obviously, Snooki wasn’t buying this, but she seemed to be laughing about it all a bit later (as if she believed he was kidding), which added to my confusion. Yes, it’s entirely likely that I’m over thinking this.

The whole thing ended with the Snooki and Sammi in the confessional (and J-Woww’s boobs wandering into the frame to make an excellent cameo), and with the three ladies breaking a bunch of plates for no apparent reason. Don’t worry, Angelina will get it.

Speaking of Angelina, was this the episode where she became (gasp!) sympathetic? It wasn’t so much the plate thing that got me feeling bad for her – it was the fact that Snooki and J-Woww were clearly positioning Angelina to be the one to tell Sammi about Ronnie’s creepy ways. It’s like, “Hey, Angelina, welcome back to the fold – would you mind being the messenger who gets shot?” Of course, Angelina had to go and squander whatever sympathy I worked up for her by farting in Snooki’s general direction after a sushi meal.

Since Angelina wasn’t taking the bait, Snooki and J-Woww came up with a staggeringly dumb plan (even dumber than MVP ditching Angelina by waiting when she wasn’t looking and running away) to tell Sammi what was up: they would slip an “anonymous” typed letter into her drawer.

I mean, why not create a fake email account? Or at least slip the letter into the mailbox? Wouldn’t it be obvious that someone in the house wrote the letter if it appeared in Sammi’s drawer? Ah, Snooki and J-Woww had that covered by using classy vocabulary like “breasts” instead of “t-ts”, and the word “therefore.” (It’s probably a bad sign that I was pleasantly surprised by Snooki’s typing/grammar skills.)

This Ronnie and Sammi thing looks like it’s mercifully going to come to a head next week. (The preview showed Sammi finding the letter – my god, did the plan actually work?!) It can’t come to an end soon enough. The toxicity of the relationship continues to be depressing. (From an entertainment standpoint, it was nice to at least see Sammi leave her bed and hang out with other people). The push and pull continued as Sammi watched Ronnie get drunk, call her a bitch and leave her stranded in the street as he rode away in a cab. (By the way, that camera shot was, dare I say, beautiful.)

Meanwhile, the toxicity of Ronnie’s drinking continues to be shocking. Witness him staggering around his room, falling down twice, and throwing up “like ‘The Exorcist’” the next morning. In my mind, Ronnie has a spot locked up in season 7 of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab.

Elsewhere in the house, The Situation made Sunday dinner and remembered how Snooki dropped his chicken. He then proceeded to drop the sauce he was working on. That was quickly followed by Ronnie being nearly hit with a cork and more food falling from the fridge. (Why is there so much food in there? It seems like they go out to eat fairly often.)

Oh, here’s my exciting Vinny update for the week. He quipped that “Victoria should’ve kept this one a secret” when he saw Angelina in her underwear, and was briefly interrogated by Sammi during her Inquisition into Ronnie’s whereabouts. He was also the fawning wingman to Pauly D, as he hit on girls in the gelato shop. Pauly D wasn’t interested in law students more interested in studying law, and less interested in studying, um, Pauly’s D.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will I.F.F. become a thing? (I’m thinking no.) Does your local gelato shop serve “butter face”? Is it just me or does Sammi look better with her glasses? Where can I find the actual numbers on the lesbian rate going up in the country? Finally, who would YOU want to take a dump on your chest?

Project Runway: Hats What I'm Talking About

Just because I’ve been recapping this show since season 3 (yikes, I can’t believe that’s actually true) doesn’t mean I know anything about fashion.

That point was driven home repeatedly watching last night’s topsy-turvy episode. One outfit the designers thought deserved to be in the top ended up in the bottom 3. Another universally panned outfit ended up winning. Cats and dogs living together – mass hysteria!

The show delivered another interesting challenge (that’s two in a row for those of you scoring at home) by having the designers create a hat inspired by and complementary to a hat by Philip Treacy. We knew Treacy was a big deal by the way every one of the contestants fawned over him. Apparently, he couldn’t have been that big a deal because the almost all the designers made their selections based on the models they liked/worked with, not Treacy’s hats.

The people we’ve come to expect to dominate the workroom segments did so again. Gretchen continued her dogged pursuit for the Most Condescending Person Award of 2011 by giving more unsolicited advice. “What John Thinks” favorite Michael C. freaked out about the fact that his fabric was puckering and generally looking fugly. All this, and we got to see the designers eating once again!

Meanwhile, our dear Casanova still had no idea what was going on. His exchange with Tim about how he had created an unbelievably safe dress that was in fashion 20 years ago was priceless. Tim agreed that it was wearable, and let a brief silence hang in the air. Throughout the history of the show reasonable (and even unreasonable) designers have filled that silence by catching on to the fact that Tim was trying to tell them that the dress was wearable…but not innovative or exciting. Casanova asked Tim if he was supposed to make something not wearable. Sigh. To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of Casanova’s cluelessness (he’s making the rest of us Puerto Ricans look bad). However, he admitted that he set out to make a safe dress – and there he was sailing safely into next week. Maybe he’s some sort of evil genius.

At the other end of the taste spectrum, Tim expressed some reservations about the random zipper in the back of Valerie’s dress (which was really a mask). In the end, he told Valerie to go with her instinct. I’m actually with Tim – I didn’t get the point of the zipper. However, I also think Valerie is one of the very best contenders this season, so if she likes something, she should probably just go with it.

The fact that she ended up in the top 3 for the third week in a row proves that she knows what she’s doing.

After a sensational runway show last week, I was actually pretty underwhelmed by this week’s offering. Even Valerie’s inclusion in the top 3 seemed odd, given that Treacy was amusingly open about his disdain for her work. Also, Mondo is lucky that he put a mustache on his model because it probably distracted the judges from how ugly the his outfit was.

The designers asked to stay for their critiques were Valerie, Michael C., Michael D., April, Kristin, and Christopher. Backstage, the designers speculated about who was in the top and who was in the bottom. And by “the designers”, I mostly mean Gretchen and Ivy. Gretchen announced that Christopher was in the top 3 because she wear everything he made – well bully for her! Meanwhile, Ivy (and some others) was sure that eventual winner Michael C. was a shoo-in for the bottom 3, and said that she and Gretchen “obviously” belonged in the top 3. This from the person who created a beige and white lady at lunch ensemble! It may be horrible to say, but after seeing her comments, I wish Ivy had stayed in the hospital and sat this challenge out.

Then again, it’s entirely possible that I’m just being fiercely protective of my boy Michael C., who has consistently said everything I’ve been thinking during the early part of this “Runway” season. Look, I realize his dress didn’t exactly reinvent the wheel, and it didn’t really deserve all the fawning praise the judges gave it. However, it WAS a lovely creation, and he deserved credit for pulling that dress out of his butt after his initial soon-to-be debacle. Whether he deserved to win or not is up for debate – however, I think we can all agree he did NOT deserve all the venom he got from his competitors.

The more conventional wisdom (at least according to my girlfriend Erica) was that Michael D. was going to win for his structural dress. I thought it was well constructed, and I liked the color of his skirt, but in the end I felt like the thing came off a bit too boxy and too literal an interpretation of his model’s hat.

The even more conventional wisdom was that Christopher was going to take the win – and he found himself in the bottom 3. Did Christopher really make one of the 3 worst designs? Absolutely NOT. (Hi, Mondo!) It’s too bad because his initial idea got bogged down by those gray leggings and those boots. (He did NOT use the Piperlime Accessory Wall “thoughtfully.”)

Still, there was no way in hell Christopher was going anywhere, so the choice came down to April’s “triple panty” booty shorts, and Kristin’s orchid-inspired, sad droopy black vagina dress. The judges made the right call in sending Kristin home (no matter how much fun she allegedly brings to the workroom). The fact that April made separates and that Nina Garcia liked her top (I didn’t) seems to be what saved her. Yes, the person who put a zipper in the back of her bunched up diapers lived to see another week. (I wouldn’t have minded a double elimination.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Were the other designers too harsh on Michael C.? (It’s probably always been like that, but now we get to see it in these 90-minute episodes.) Finally, will you now refer to women’s lady parts as “the good china”?

The Expendables Review

They just don’t make action movies like they used to — but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

The fact of the matter is that advances in technology have made it possible for filmmakers to believably render and bring to the screen images and ideas that, previously, could never make it past their imaginations. Besides that, there’s another school of action directors who have favored a more realistic, “you are there” filmmaking style (often using handheld cameras) in recent years, which has often yielded exciting results.

As with all things in life, there’s a downside.

The idea that filmmakers couldn’t (and didn’t want to) ALWAYS give us a completely believable action movie had its own undeniable charm. And since realism wasn’t usually on the table, the sense of “we’re just making a movie where stuff blows up” fun extended to the genres biggest stars.

Speaking of the action genre’s biggest stars, you may or may not have heard that a lot of them have been famously assembled by director-writer-star Sylvester Stallone for “The Expendables.” (Of course you’ve heard that— it’s the whole point of the movie!)

Stallone stars as Barney Ross, the leader of an elite team of mercenaries who have names like Lee Christmas, Ying Yang, Hale Caesar and Toll Road. (Seriously.) A quick opening sequence introduces us to the team, and the guys eventually accept a dangerous assignment to overthrow a dictator in a fictional island nation.

For a movie that’s been heavily billed as a sort of Action Movie All-Star Game, the results ended up being more like “The Sly Stallone and Jason Statham Show: Featuring Jet Li, Stone Cold, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews and Randy Couture (With Special Appearances by Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger).”

…and I’m actually ok with that.

Sure, it was a tremendous kick (even after all these years) to see Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger finally share the screen during a brief scene early on. Going in, I thought I was going to want to go on longer, but it ended up being just the right length. (That’s what she said.) This is especially true since, if the scene had gone on longer, I probably would’ve spent the additional time marveling at how Schwarzenegger looks less like person and more like a wax version of himself.

Stallone isn’t exactly above looking like a, um, suspiciously well-preserved version of himself, but once you get past the freaky veins in his arms, you notice that his old movie star twinkle is back and he’s genuinely enjoying himself (and the fact that he got to make his movie).

He also wisely decided to let that whippersnapper Jason Statham do most of the action movie heavy-lifting, and Statham responds by turning in, arguably, the movie’s most charismatic performance. The movie probably could’ve done without the half-baked subplot about his girlfriend’s abusive new beau, but it DID give Statham a chance to threaten to deflate a guy’s balls. Welcome back, action movie one-liners!

The rest of the cast get their individual moments to shine. I was most impressed by Rourke (as a former member of the team), who brought a confident and relaxed presence to the proceedings, as well as the movie’s valiant attempt at depth. I also thoroughly enjoyed Dolph Lundgren (the guy should be getting more work in major theatrical movies) as a soon-to-be former member of the team, and Terry Crews, who brandishes the biggest weapon we’re likely to see this year and is clearly loving every minute of it. It's also good to see Eric Roberts keeping his streak of playing bad guys alive. (I believe he's up to 28 straight movies.)

I was less impressed by Jet Li (who looks like he got old in a hurry, which is probably why he was used less than I thought he would be), Randy Couture (the brains of the operation…seriously) and Steve Austin (I just wanted him to give someone a Stone Cold Stunner already!)

Obviously, these guys aren’t here to wow us with their acting ability – they’re here to kick ass. And the movie’s final 25-30 minutes delivers on that promise by giving us an orgy of ultra-violence. Sure, the whole thing is more than a bit clunky, but it’s also a good amount of fun. Stallone’s character even admits that he doesn’t have a plan for the final assault on the bad guy’s army!

This movie works best as a throwback to action movies of the 80’s and 90’s, but it doesn’t work as well as an actual GOOD movie in 2010. Still, I think it’s ok to look back on old times and have a little fun at the movies every once in a while.

The Expendables…B-

The Other Guys Review

For the last few decades, the buddy cop genre has been a fertile ground for laughs.

The often over-the-top nature of these action movies (ridiculous car chases, extravagant shootouts where the good guys never get shot and rarely miss) naturally lends itself to comedy.

Still, the most important part of any cop comedy is the chemistry between the two leads, whether it’s a black guy and a white guy (“Lethal Weapon”, “48 Hours”, etc.), two black guys (“Bad Boys”), two white guys (“Starsky and Hutch”), two English white guys (“Hot Fuzz”), a black guy and an Asian guy (“Rush Hour”), an Asian guy and a Jay Leno or a black woman and a dinosaur. (Ok, so maybe the genre isn’t ALWAYS totally fertile for laughs.)

My point is that it’s pretty difficult to approach this thing from a fresh angle. For a while there, “The Other Guys” accomplishes just that.

The action comedy from director Adam McKay (“Anchorman”, “Talladega Nights”) stars Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg as mismatched partners Allen Gamble and Terry Hoitz.

I loved the movie’s first 20 minutes, which established Gamble, Hoitz and the rest of the NYPD as the “other guys” to star cops Highsmith and Danson (Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne “No Longer The Rock” Johnson), who we meet as they make a ridiculous, high-profile arrest involving automatic weapons, explosions and a double-decker bus. I thought the idea of focusing on the cop movie characters who are usually stuck on the fringes of this type of flick was clever and interesting.

However, once Highsmith and Danson are out of the way — and Gamble and Hoitz attempt to step in and fill the void — the movie becomes more of a standard action comedy…and I lost a good amount of interest

The good news is that Ferrell is pretty brilliant in this thing. He gives an incredibly detailed performance as the mild-mannered, safety-conscious Gamble, which only make his occasional (and totally believable) explosions into a badass persona more effective and hilarious. This is Ferrell and McKay’s fourth big-screen collaboration, so I wouldn’t have been shocked if Ferrell’s work had been indulgently improv-y and full of random, inconsequential tangents. I was pleasantly surprised to see that he’s relatively restrained and very generous in this role — his best work in years.

The bad news is that Wahlberg (save for a few stray one liners) is completely annoying in this movie. I get that Hoitz is SUPPOSED to be the angry, scream-y hot head (he’s stuck with Gamble as a partner after accidentally shooting Derek Jeter). Unfortunately, that doesn’t make his performance any less grating. Gamble actually sums it up perfectly by telling Hoitz that his constant anger and screaming is “exhausting.” Sadly, Wahlberg is more exhausting than funny in this role and his finest comedic performance remains his work in “The Happening.”

You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t mentioned anything about the plot. That’s because the movie’s main storyline — involving a shady financial guru played by Steve Coogan…and I think Anne Heche showed up at one point — is a major snoozer.

To be honest, I wish there had been LESS attempts at a plot and more of the random, inconsequential tangents that I talked about a few paragraphs ago (ala “Anchorman”, which I quote at least once a day, whether I mean to or not). Even some of the funniest stuff involving Coogan — the way he manages to bribe the clueless Gamble and Hoitz — were throwaway gags that had little to do with the main plot.

That sort of bit is my favorite thing about “The Other Guys.” Rob Riggle and Damon Wayans Jr. get some laughs as a rival pair of partners. Ray Stevenson does strong work, even if he’s acting in a slightly more serious movie than anyone else. And it’s REALLY good to see Michael Keaton back on movie screens, even if his TLC-obsessed police captain was underwritten.

I really wanted to love “The Other Guys”, but instead I ended up just liking parts of it. (I can’t believe I never considered who would win a confrontation between a lion and tuna.) It mostly squandered a novel concept, but it DOES feature a great performance by Will Ferrell…even if you have to put up with an irritating one from Mark Wahlberg.

The Other Guys…B-

Jersey Shore: MVP! MVP!

Ronnie and Sammi have GOT to go.

Actually, I’d just be ok if Sammi left since all she’s doing these days is sulking, isolating herself from the rest of the group, and perfecting her impersonation of a doormat. (She’s got that impersonation down pat seeing as how she let Ronnie crawl into bed after he called her a “f---ing bitch” at a club.)

Ronnie can stay because I, at least, enjoy watching him dance. Wait, what am I saying? Ronnie needs to go to. It’s perfect timing – since Lindsay Lohan is apparently being allowed to leave rehab early, it’ll open up a spot for Ronnie, who needs it in a bad way.

(Note: I realize neither of them is leaving the show since season 3 is filming as we speak.)

My point is that the Ronnie/Sammi relationship has become so dysfunctional and SO ugly that it takes away from the fun I’m supposed to be having watching this show. I realize I just made a joke about how much fun it is to see Ronnie get wasted and start creepin’ on other girls, but watching the emotional abuse he’s inflicting on Sammi (and the light shove he gave Snooki when she tried to step in) is troubling. (It’s also no picnic to see Sammi allow all this to happen.) Last season, Ronnie struck me as one of the smarter, more sensitive people in the house – I can’t help but feel that he’s intentionally trying to hurt Sammi at this point.

If this season has a storyline, then it’s all been about when is Sammi going to find out what Ronnie (who called Sammi his girlfriend) has been up to – and who is going to be the one to tell her. I’d actually be interested in this if I didn’t believe that, even after Sammi finds out, there’s a good chance she’ll forgive him a few hours later when he crawls into bed with her. And around and around we go.

Fortunately, there WERE some fun shenanigans at the house.

We picked up right where we left off last week with Angelina pestering Pauly D and slapping him in the face a few times. The best part was seeing whether Pauly D or The Situation could look the most confused and horrified by Angelina’s antics. (Pauly D’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of their socket.) Wait, maybe the best part was a groggy J-Woww wandering into the scene and claiming that she would beat Angelina’s ass if she wasn’t drunk. (Ever the sportswoman, J-Woww has no interest in fighting someone who is impaired.)

Equally as entertaining was seeing Angelina struggle to understand the concept of Pauly D accepting her apology for striking him, but not wanting to hang out with her anymore. The concept of people not wanting to hang out with her should be pretty familiar to Angelina by now.

This week also saw the most time the cast has spent at their “jobs” in the gelato shop. After watching this episode, I’m sort of hoping the guys take their boss Enzo out on one of their pub crawls.

The highlights from the work scenes included J-Woww’s (barely) contained boobs (Vinny wants to bring Albert Einstein back to study them), The Situation’s abs failing to draw customers in, and Snooki not being able to see over the counter without a step ladder. (“I’m a f---ing Smurf!”)

Vinny also decided he wanted to be called “Vincenzo” and work on his Italian. I guess now’s a good time as any to check in with the progress on Vinny’s quest to be interesting. Let’s see, this week he made a big deal about a haircut that made his hair look exactly the same. Then, in his biggest move to date, it was implied that he may or may not have banged Snooki after complimenting her earlier in the evening and spending with her in bed. If I believed for a second that those two did ANYTHING I might find this compelling, but I don’t, so I don’t. (Naturally, the best part was The Situation busting Vinny’s chops when Vinny was on the phone with Snooki’s boyfriend.) Nice try though, Vinny.

Fortunately for Vinny, his name begins with a “V”, which means he’s an invaluable member of MVP. (Mikey, Vinny and Pauly.) Angelina wanted to get in on the club-hopping fun, but the guys devised a brilliant plan to get away from her – they waited until she turned around and ran away. Seriously.

We’ve watched the subsequent scene (with the grenades in the hot tub) teased in commercials since the season premiere, so I couldn’t help but be let down. More importantly, it simply paled in comparison with the classic season 1 episode in which The Situation introduced the term grenade. (That being said, I did laugh at The Situation claiming that Pauly D had been hypnotized into making out with a “hyena.”)

Still, seeing the guys make fun of the stray chicken cutlet (and the embarrassment on the girl’s face after her boob enhancement fell out) made them seem a touch cruel. It’s especially perplexing since The Situation (as much as a I love the guy) is the very definition of a “butter face” himself.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you fed up with Ronnie or Sammi? How do J-Woww’s boobs NOT pop out? Finally, why did it take so long for Angelina to apologize, since it came relatively quickly and naturally in this episode?

Project Runway: Where Da Party At?

I’m going to try to get this recap done before Gretchen stops by to give me (completely unsolicited) “advice” on tone and sentence structure.

The latest episode of “Project Runway” featured an “unconventional item” challenge — my favorites on this show — and, in my opinion, boasted the strongest runway show in recent memory. (Especially impressive with so many designers still in the mix.)

So I’m not going to dwell too much on the show’s efforts to turn Gretchen (pictured, left) into the season’s new villain now that Jason is gone. You can probably detect my reality show cynicism (that’d be my belief that editing on one of these shows could make Gandhi look like a self-absorbed jerk) seeping in. On the other hand, editing can only go so far, and there are irrefutably more than a few designers getting peeved with Gretchen’s self-appointed mother hen act.

I mean, pretty much any designer who wins the first two challenges is going to get a certain amount of hate. However, Gretchen’s two victories had the unfortunate side effect of convincing her that she’s qualified to give other people her advice. (Or that they even want to hear it!) I’m no A.J. fan, but I found myself cheering him on when he stood up to her near the end after someone directed a question at Andy, but Gretchen started speaking for him. Also, there’s absolutely no editing required to make her “keep your stations clean” proclamation seem annoying. Girlfriend needs a bottom 3 wakeup call, pronto!

It doesn’t seem like that’s coming any time soon, especially since Gretchen actually delivered my favorite outfits of hers to date.

But let me back up a bit. The task was to create a look using materials from a party supply store. Before letting the designers loose inside the store, Tim warned them that the judges don’t take kindly to using tablecloth or any other material that is basically fabric (because it’s a copout).

Casanova, as always, seemed absolutely perplexed by the challenge of creating a look NOT using fabric (do they not have “Project Runway” in Puerto Rico?), and decided to grab a bunch of tablecloth anyway to go along with his plush puppies. (I loved the “2 Minutes Ago” flashback to Tim warning them not to use tablecloth.) I know that crazy generally equals entertaining on this kind of show, but I’m getting tired of Casanova’s “no-speaky-English” shtick.

Other than a Tim Gunn giggle fit involving “wooly balls” and Gretchen’s talking, things were relatively quiet inside the workroom. Things were so quiet that we actually got to see the designers briefly hanging out on a buffet line and eating. (Due to the inhumanly stressful nature of these challenges, I sort of just assumed these people never ate.)

I mostly remember Tim and others insisting that A.J. should absolutely excel in this challenge (since it’s what he does), and A.J. lamely trying to defuse those expectations. My boy Michael C. put things into perspective brilliantly during one of his confessionals by mentioning how A.J. is always bragging about being the master of the glue gun. Michael C. has been so spot on and funny these last two weeks that I really hope he sticks around and records confessionals for the entire season, even if he gets eliminated.

If he keeps churning out designs like the one he did last night, he should be around for a while. Personally, I thought his dramatic red dress (and April’s jagged, glass-like gray look) was top-3 worthy. However, with such a strong runway show, I can see how he got left out even if I would’ve happily subbed in his look for Gretchen’s. (Though the fact that she’s pretty annoying might have something to do with that.)

Then again, Gretchen’s outfit (especially that “leather” jacket) was the best thing I’ve seen from her. Still, I think she was surpassed by both Valerie (for her sexy black and white dress that can also be used to clean up messy hors d’oeuvres) and Andy (for his ridiculously stylish braided black dress). Andy deservedly picked up the win (despite guest judge Betsey Johnson claiming it was “too beautiful”), but I would’ve given it to Valerie because I don’t think there’s any way Andy would’ve finished without help from Peach and April. (Obviously, the judges weren’t privy to this, so it wasn’t really a factor.)

The bottom 3 was comprised of choke artist A.J. (beads drooping down from a crotch is never a good look), taste-challenged Casanova and Sarah, who made a sad boring gray dress with palm tree leaves taped on it.

A.J. was deemed safe, and when it came down to Casanova and Sarah, I wasn’t even a little surprised that Sarah (sad and boring) went home over Casanova’s schizophrenic dress which Michael Kors described with the instant-classic transvestite flamenco dancer at a funeral. Even though I don’t completely disagree with the judges’ decision, I feel bad for Sarah. At least she KNEW that her dress was sad and boring. Casanova appears to have no idea what he’s doing and the only way he could land in the judge’s good graces is if he makes something good by accident or if the stuff the judges are smoking that week is particularly strong.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is anyone other than Valerie your favorite? (Michael C. is hilarious, but Valerie is funny AND has shown major design chops.) Do you, like Tim Gunn, prefer wooly balls? (How great was it to see him crying from laughing so hard?) Had we ever seen the designers eat food before? Why are Mondo’s shorts so short? Finally, oh yeah — do you think Ivy’s going to be ok following her trip to the hospital?

Jersey Shore: You Wouldn't Like Pauly D When He's Angry

THIS is more like it.

Though I was happy to see the crew return and arrive in Miami during the season 2 premiere, I was less happy about the fact that the episode focused on Angelina and the Ronnie and Sammi relationship. (AKA: the two most annoying things about “Jersey Shore.”)

Well, the second episode of the season STILL gave us a heavy dose of Ronnie and Sammi, and STILL prominently featured troublemaker Angelina. The difference is that this time Angelina actually interacted with The Situation and Pauly D (probably my two favorite people on this show), so that made it completely different. Seriously though, if you were wondering just how bitchy Angelina is, you need not look further than this episode.

The reason she was even hanging around with S-I-T-U-A-T-I-O-N (“Whatever”) and Pauly D was because no one else in the house would talk with her. More alarmingly, it takes a special brand of bitch to make Pauly D angry.

I mean, he didn’t even get this upset when that girl was “stalking” him on the boardwalk last year. I didn’t even know it was possible for the perpetually-cool Pauly D to get angry. That’s what made his “ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?!” outburst that much more startling (and hilarious).

During their traditional night out at the club, Angelina got drunk, (not Ronnie-drunk, but still pretty drunk) began dancing with women, and reverted back into her cock-blocking ways. (She was hating on Pauly D for hitting on a woman who was married/engaged/about-to-be-engaged.) Back at the house, she started showering The Situation and Pauly D (but mostly Pauly) with unwanted “I love yous” and declarations that she would marry him. I probably would’ve snapped too!

All the while, The Situation was hilariously trying to make himself a midnight snack. There still hasn’t been nearly enough of The Situation (the food ordering gag was amusing, but predictable), but I feel like he’s going to come on strong later this season. That being said, I still enjoyed his reaction after Snooki accidentally dropped his BBQ chicken on the ground, and she and Vinny cluelessly asked him what to do. (“Pick it up, dog!”)

When he does come on strong, he has a potential new nickname: The Instigation. Insofar as “Jersey Shore” has storylines, Sammi finding out about Ronnie’s drunken debauchery is definitely the other shoe waiting to drop this season. And I wouldn’t be surprised to see The Situation play a key role. Last night, he came thisclose to telling J-Woww and Snooki about Ronnie bragging about doing “mad work” at the club and going to bed with Sammi.

For his part, Ronnie has decided to implement the Shaggy defense (“It Wasn’t Me”) if Sammi ever finds out about what he did. Wait, what do I mean “if”? WHEN Sammi finds out, since Ronnie seems to have forgotten that he’s being followed around by a camera crew.

The rest of the episode was mostly a re-run of last week. (In a related note, I’d be ok if this show ONLY showed this group either out at clubs and bars or getting ready to go out to clubs and bars.)

Ronnie and Sammi’s hate-love relationship is so unstable that even rollercoasters get sick to their stomach watching it. First they’re yelling at each other after she goes through his phone book (apparently, he should’ve referred to his ex as “Joe” in his book). Then she’s accompanying him to get a tattoo in the most painful place you can get one. (I can definitely think of a more painful place for a guy than my ribage.)

After visiting a “tranny shop” (which was totally J-Woww’s scene), Snooki bought a pair of $393 glasses (thanks, $2 discount!) and got into a screaming match with Angelina about the alleged trash she talked behind her backs. Yawn. At least this was livened up by J-Woww’s continued willingness to fight anyone (seeing the guys perk up and ask for pretzels to watch the spectacle was funny). I also loved Snooki answering a phone call for Angelina by saying “she died.” (And the caller frantically calling back!)

Finally, there’s Vinny — I’m forcing myself to say something about him every week. Um, I think he looks 60% more interesting with eyeglasses. (I know I’m reaching, but come on!)

So what’d you think of this episode? Could they have looked less thrilled at the prospect of working at the gelato shop? (Seems like fun to me.) Would you ever get a see-through bathroom door installed in your house? Finally, what would you rather do — fight J-Woww or marry Angelina?

Project Runway: Straight Guy in a Gay Man's World

I wasn’t sure if I was going to recap this season of “Project Runway.”

I didn’t watch the season premiere until about five days after it aired, so I didn’t recap it and falling behind after the very first episode didn’t feel great. The new, expanded 90-minute format scared me — it’s ok now that there are approximately 45 designers to meet, but it has the potential to get downright painful when there are 5 or 6 people left and the show struggles to fill those 90 minutes. Finally, those constant commercials for “Army Wives” on Lifetime are starting to get to me.

Yet here I am.

Though I still predict that I’ll be ripping my hair out later in the season, the 90-minute format isn’t too bad yet. (It gave us time to learn about oddball Mondo’s loneliness, though no mention was made of the creepy little doll he keeps on his bedside.)

Mostly though, I wanted to write a recap so I could completely trash designer/bowler hat enthusiast/all-purpose creeper Jason.

This douchesack (he’s doucheyness is much too big to be confined to a bag) rubbed me the wrong way from his awkward introduction in the season premiere, where he claimed that he wore his bowler hat to intimidate people. (Huh?!) I mean, Alex DeLarge wore a bowler, so I guess he can be scary. Now the only thing Jason is missing is charisma. And a clue.

Over the course of the episode’s 90 minutes (the expanded format REALLY allowed Jason’s awfulness to breathe) Jason came up with a clunker of a design concept (infinity/ the number 8 to symbolize…season 8 of “Project Runway”) and delivered another clunky, unfinished dress. Last week he held his backwards kimono together with staples, and this week he used safety pins to close the hole over his model’s belly button that he previously claimed had been intentional. (If he were around next week, maybe he’d whip out scotch tape!)

…and those are the least reprehensible things he did! The worst offense is a tie between throwing his model under the bus by saying she was inadequate for the runway (no wonder she looked miserable/angry in her photo and during judging), and snubbing Tim Gunn after being eliminated. (We don’t like it when people are mean to Tim.) Earlier in the episode, Jason cried “heterophobia” by saying that he was a “straight guy in a gay man’s world” following an unfavorable critique from Tim. (Never mind the fact that straight guy Seth Aaron won this show just last year!)

Wait, I almost forgot about the part where he brusquely lifted his model’s dress on the runway and revealed her underwear…!

Ok, I’m going to stop now because, believe it or not, there are other people on this show.

The challenge this week was something about creating a look for the intelligent, elegant, blah blah blah, Marie Claire reader that would be displayed on a 40-foot billboard in Times Square. To be honest, I wasn’t really paying much attention during this part because the challenge was so uninspiring (even the mid-challenge photo shoot twist was mostly a “Top Model”-lite dud) and because I was too busy marveling at how much Marie Claire editor-in-chief Joanna Coles looks like Helen Mirren.

Despite the fact that there are SO many designers at this stage of the competition, it was pretty easy to predict who’d land in the top and bottom 3 simply based on how the workroom segments were edited.

The one wrinkle was Casanova avoiding the chopping block after a look that made his model look pregnant, and after asking anyone who would listen for help in the workroom. A.J. probably could’ve found a nicer way of brushing him off than rudely exclaiming “I’m not going to pattern for you!” which was especially vexing from a guy who also made his model look like she was pregnant. (With a square alien baby.) In the end, Casanova found help from (now) two-time winner/hip buddy Gretchen.

To be honest, I haven’t really been blown away by Gretchen’s designs (her winning jumpsuit outfit looked like something Tyra might’ve worn during the seventh week of the most recent cycle of “Top Model”), but she gets extra points for making a decent pair of pants on her first solo try and for hilariously trying to explain to Casanova what “bosom buddies” means.

For my money, the win should’ve gone to Valerie for her bright red, zippered, jaunty dress. Michael instantly became a favorite of mine when he congratulated Gretchen, but claimed that Valerie should’ve won. (Between that, and saying that he was trying to befriend Jason so that the creep wouldn’t murder him, it’s like Michael has a direct line into my brain.) Mondo rounded out the top 3 with his whimsical outfit. Personally, I might’ve gone with Christopher D’s short, mesh black dress, but Mondo needed the confidence boost.

The bottom 3 was comprised of Peach, Nicholas and Jason. Peach was lost from the beginning after a safe fabric choice, and the defeatist attitude appeared to have spread to her model, who looked miserable the entire time. Fortunately, Peach proved that she can work fast (creating three separate outfits), and earned a stay of execution (which is great because she’s hilarious AND self-aware).

Nicholas had no such luck, and became the second (and most emotional) contestant to get the boot last night for his overdesigned look/underdeveloped-in-the-back blouse.

The judges are really crapping the bed this season. Their decision to send McKell home last week seemed totally random. (It should’ve been Jason and/or even Nicholas.) This week, I strongly feel that Nicholas had shown enough as a designer to merit another chance, but they sent him packing when most of America would’ve probably been satisfied with watching just Jason get eliminated.

Oh well — at least they DID get rid of Jason.


So what’d you think of this episode? Are you enjoying the extended format? Do you miss “Models of the Runway?” Finally, which designer would you say is more likely to be a serial killer — Jason or Mondo?