America's Next Top Recap: My Humps

Last night’s episode followed the contestants as they embarked on what amounted to be a free vacation in Morocco.

In a related story, have we ever seen anybody complain as much during a free vacation as Molly did last night?

Since this show hadn’t been on for two weeks, it was difficult to remember exactly why Molly was complaining so much. (I’m guessing her bottom 2 placement in the previous episode had something to do with it.) Then again, I didn’t really care WHY she was so upset: it was incredibly annoying, regardless of the reason.

Molly’s main complaint was about (shocker!) Alexandria and how Alexandria’s fake-nice attitude had served her well in the competition. Molly then speculated that her own stank attitude might be a result of abandonment issues (we learned earlier this season that she was adopted) before bemoaning the fact that she was going to have to pretend to be nice to people.

What I don’t understand is why Molly has to “pretend” to be nice to people? Why can’t she just, oh I don’t know, BE a pleasant person?! Why is that such a chore? Also, why is it a shock that you might want to not act like a moody, raging bitch around your bosses? Molly probably has the prettiest face out of all the girls in the competition…but her perpetually-awful attitude made her look like an ugly person.

As the girls arrived in Marrakech (I’m shocked Molly didn’t complain about the heat), they were greeted by snake charmers as well as Mr. Jay and Ms. J, both wearing only slightly more makeup than usual. After that, they were treated to a traditional Moroccan lunch before meeting up with Andre Leon Talley and designer Noureddine Amir.

Usually, this would be about the time we’d be getting the week’s challenge. And, indeed, the girls put on Amir’s clothes and showed their runway walks to the designer and Talley. However, instead of competing for some fabulous, exotic prize, the main purpose of this sequence was to humiliate Kasia.

While Brittani easily sported a fantastic-looking dress/wicker hamper, Kasia was having trouble fitting into any of her clothes. They finally found a garment for her to wear, but it was too late because her confidence was shattered. Given the fact that I’ve never really been impressed with her during a photo shoot, I knew she’d be exiting at the end of the episode.

After a bit of drama in their fantastic new house (whine! Molly doesn’t want to share a bed) the girls learned that they’d be taking photographs atop camels in the middle of the desert. At least Tyra didn’t go for the obvious photo shoot idea.

Molly put on her best fake happy face and…completely rocked the photo shoot. She deserved the top photo honors that she received. Great job by Molly, It’s remarkable what she could accomplish when she’s not being a sourpuss.

Brittani had the next best pic (though Vogue Italia editor-in-chief Franca Sozzani seemed to hate it). Meanwhile, Hannah mostly benefited from a unique angle and from the fact that no one can remember who she is, so it’s impossible to eliminate her.

That left Kasia in the bottom 2 along with Alexandria, who once again tried to take command of a photo shoot. She claimed that she’d already annoyed the British photographer by making a baseball reference (she was going to knock the shoot out of the park), but I’m pretty sure the photographer was annoyed with her because she’s annoying…and not because she couldn’t drop a cricket or polo reference.

Though Alexandria’s shot standing atop a camel was almost alarmingly stiff, Kasia (pictured, right) was clearly going to be going home. Her picture was great only because it perfectly captured the discomfort Kasia was feeling throughout the entire episode.

And so we say goodbye to the cycle’s fiercely real contestant.

So what’d you think of this episode? Can you tell me a single thing about Hannah besides “she’s blonde” or “she exists” (I think)? Finally, what euphemism for “plus size” will Tyra come up with next cycle? (I’m thinking “voraciously genuine.”)

American Idol: King for a Day

What’s old is new…well, kind of.

I’ve been slamming the producers of “American Idol” all season for their nasty habit of recycling themes from previous seasons. For nerds like me who have seen every episode of this show it leads to unimaginative and stale song selections/performances.

Well last week we got Songs from the 21st Century. And last night a new theme made its “American Idol” debut: “Carole King Week”!

(Needle scratching on record sound) Wait…Carole King Week?! I don’t doubt King’s chops as a songwriter or her contribution to music, but I thought that seemed a little bit random. Then again, I’m a selfish bastard and all I cared about was the fact that I didn’t know jack about Carole King beyond the fact that she gave “Gilmore Girls” its theme song.

At least, I THOUGHT I didn’t know anything about Carole King. Turns out I was actually familiar with most of the songs performed last night: I just had no idea that they were Carole King songs. (The More You Know.)

More importantly, the top 6 episode featured mostly solid solo performances. There was also an interesting attempt to change things up by having the finalists pair off and perform duets.

I didn’t think any of the duets fully clicked — certainly none of them were as good as Casey Abrams and Haley Reinhart singing “Moanin’” a few weeks ago during results night — but Casey and Haley’s take on “I Feel the Earth Move” came the closest. Haley was a self-assured powerhouse, while Casey was a LOT easier to take with another strong singer than he is on his own.

Lauren Alaina also outshined her male counterpart, though it didn’t really look like Scotty McCreery was fully invested in their duet of “Up on the Roof.” It seemed mostly like he just wanted Seacrest to stop suggesting that he and Lauren are a couple.

Meanwhile, the less said about James Durbin and Jacob Lusk’s train wreck-y duet of “I’m Into Something Good.” Even Steven Tyler was wondering where they were going with that. Overall, I don’t think the duets lived up to their potential, but I’m glad the show tried to do something a bit different. (Instead of waiting for top 4 week to do duets, as they’ve done the last two years.)

At least Jacob had a strong solo performance to open the night. His unease during the rehearsal package made it seem like his take on “Oh No, Not My Baby” was going to be a disaster, but I actually thought he was totally joyful on stage and, more importantly, tuneful. It was the first time that I found him pleasant to listen to! (Thank you, guest judge Babyface for pulling him back vocally.) His main problem is that he performed first, so the audience’s lasting memory of him (assuming they remember him at all ) is of that awful duet.

It’s Miley! Lauren’s musical idol popped in for a visti and inspired Lauren to…deliver yet another B+ performance. Ugh! To be fair, “Where You Lead” doesn’t exactly lend itself to a knockout performance or a lot of high notes (which the judges demanded last week). It certainly seemed like Lauren was trying harder, but the performance just never connected for me. It was a bit forced. Not as forced as Brett the audience (plant) member who joined Lauren on stage and put his arm around her as she serenaded him, but forced nonetheless. (Seriously, who the f--- WAS that guy?!) Also, I didn’t even notice the alleged crack in her voice. (But I was serving myself dinner, so I was distracted.)

Scott also took the judges’ critiques from last week to heart after they accused him of playing it safe. Indeed, Scotty took a gigantic leap of faith this week and…stopped holding the microphone sideways! No, seriously, he sang “You’ve Got a Friend” and explored different, lighter aspects of his voice that we’re not used to. I thought it was a bit sleepy in the beginning, but I liked seeing him step out of his deep-voiced comfort zone. More importantly, instead of countrifying a non-country song to suit his voice, he pretty much performed King’s song as a straight-up pop(country) song.

Idol Moment Alert! I’m SO glad the judges are here to tell me when something special happened, otherwise I’d have no idea. I mean, Randy practically had an orgasm after James’ take on “Will You Love Me Tomorrow” and stopped just short of actually crowning him the winner. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I thought the hug (pictured, left) was over the top.

Look, the acapella opening of James’ song was absolutely sensational! It was so good, that I kind of wish he’d done more of the song like that. (Maybe the end.) Instead, once the music kicked in, it turned into a merely solid performance. Everyone settle down.

That especially goes for Casey, who is REALLY starting to freak me out when he performs. I liked the beginning of “Hi-De-Ho” because of the way he wandered from one musician (piano, harmonica and sax player) to another and because of the fact that his voice was being showcased. However, once the number REALLY got going, Casey reverted to his worst/growliest instincts and looked like a raving lunatic on stage. At least J.Lo somewhat tried to help him by telling Casey that he needs to loosen up in his performances. Unfortunately, what should’ve been a jazzy song right in Casey’s wheelhouse ended up being an assault on the senses.

Finally, there’s Haley who I thought delivered a knockout of a vocal on “Beautiful” despite some sort of technical difficulty with her in-ear monitor right before she started singing. Unfortunately for her, Randy had apparently used up all his superlatives for the evening because he wound up crapping all over the beginning of her performance as “boring.” Overall, his critique was positive, but why spend the entire night uttering nonsense only to end the evening on a negative note with one of the competition’s most talented singers.

God, I hate Randy.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there anyone out there who actually enjoys watching Seacrest try to pair off some of the contestants? If you were every to meet Babyface, what would you call him? (“Baby”? “Mr. Face?!”) Did Steve Tyler seem slightly more lucid this week? (I’m probably imagining things.) Finally, who do you think is going home? (I've got Jacob getting the boot...and Lauren making her bottom 3 debut.)

John's Top 10 Michael Scott Moments

This is going to be hard. (Insert [You know what] here.)

(Hey, Double “That’s what she said!”)

As you probably already know from NBC’s emotional promos that have been making me tear up with their tinkly piano music, tonight will be Steve Carell’s/Michael Scott’s swan song on “The Office.”

The U.S. version of “The Office” is one of my top 10 favorite shows of all-time (maybe Top 5). And that’s a big part of the reason why I’ve never written a regular column about it: there’s just no way I could ever be completely objective. (A smaller part of the reason is that I don’t think 30-minute comedies lend themselves to as much critical discussion as hour-long dramas…or two-hour long trashy reality shows. I mean, what am I going to say about “The Office” beyond rehashing any given episode’s best lines/moments?)

I can objectively see that the show is not as good as it was in its season 2-3 heyday, but then again I can’t think of a show that hit its creative prime in season 7. All that matters is that I still laugh my ass off watching the show (as I did during the recent “Threat Level Midnight” episode).

I also think the ensemble is among the most talented on TV. They’re obviously hilarious, but I also think they’re sneakily effective at playing little dramatic moments.

And for seven years, that ensemble has been led by Steve Carell. I always believed that “The Office” should end when its leader departed — we do NOT want another “Scrubs: Med School” situation) —but I’d be lying if I said that I’m not going to watch the show without Carell. Yes, I’m interested to see who they bring in as a permanent replacement (no one thinks Will Ferrell is sticking around long-term) but I’m really staying because I love (pretty much) all these characters.

Still, Michael Scott will undoubtedly be missed. In fact, the only thing I’ll miss even more is the talents of Steve Carell, who somehow made us root for a selfish, incompetent, oblivious boss. (Come on Emmys! Do the right thing and finally give this guy his first trophy for playing Michael!)

Condensing my favorite Michael Scott moments into a top 10 list wasn’t easy — I HATED cutting Carell’s work in “The Deposition” and the hilariously brutal “Dinner Party” episode — but I did my best even though I know I’m going to kick myself for leaving something out.

Here’s hoping at least one moment from tonight’s episode — titled, “Goodbye, Michael” — is good enough to make this list.

10. Michael fires Devon on “Halloween”: Right about now, you’re asking yourself “Who the hell is Devon?” and I realize that I’m probably the only person who’d place this moment in their top 10. However, the fifth episode of season 2 was the first time I can remember seeing the pain of Michael Scott and realizing that he was more than a relentless goofball.

Michael is ordered to fire someone by the end of October and goes back and forth between Creed and some guy named Devon. Creed finally convinces Michael to fire Devon. After Michael fires Devon, he blurts out that he hopes they can remain friends. That’s Michael Scott in a nutshell: the boss who wants to be everyone’s friend. Devon angrily rebuffs him, and the last shot we see of Michael is sitting at home by himself, looking extremely distraught…until some trick-or-treaters show up and he perks up.

9. Michael at Improv class: Over the years, the show has alluded to Michael’s love for Improv, but we actually got to see how spectacularly bad he is at it during season 2’s “Email Surveillance.” (It’s especially funny when you consider that Carell is a genius at Improv.) I have a special appreciation for this sequence because I took an Improv class in college and looked on in horror as Michael broke every single rule they taught us. (He didn’t listen to his partner, he denied and dismissed other people’s contributions, etc.)

8. Cheering up Pam at the art gallery: Michael has a lot of faults, but caring about his friends/co-workers isn’t one of them. (The fact that he automatically assumes co-workers and friends are the same thing is probably his biggest flaw.) My favorite moment of him picking up a colleague came during season 3’s “Business School.” Pam had her art show and had to endure Roy bailing on her and snooty comments from Oscar and his boyfriend. Just when she was about to head home, Michael showed up and told her that her drawing of the Dunder Mifflin building was perfect. It’s especially beautiful when you consider that Michael had just come from being humiliated during a seminar at Ryan’s business school. Michael was obviously feeling bummed, but he still had time to be there for a friend.

7. Rabies PSA: This isn’t even technically part of the show. It’s a special feature on the season 4 DVD. (It’s connected to the “Fun Run” episode.) All I know is that I laugh every single time I watch it. Ugh.

6. Prison Mike: Michael created many memorable personas during his time at Dunder Mifflin (RIP Date Mike, Michael Klump), but none of them left as lasting an impression as Prison Mike. In season 3’s “The Convict” Michael took personal offense to the notion that his office was worse than prison. Everything about his conference room display was brilliant: the weird accent, the do-rag, and the fact that Prison Mike “never got caught.”

5. "No, God, No!" / "Why are you the way that you are?" : Michael’s irrational hatred for Toby is one of the show’s best running jokes. I couldn’t possibly pick just one Michael vs. Toby moment, but these two — from season 5’s “Frame Toby” and season 2’s classic “Casino Night” — are my favorite.

4. “That’s What She Said”: Obviously!

3. Lazy Scranton: If there’s a better illustration of the bizarre relationship between Michael and Dwight, then I can’t think of one. Dwight (especially early on) will do ANYTHING for Michael. Michael likes to make movies/videos and is always about six months behind on pop culture trends. So of course the duo starred in a parody of Saturday Night Live’s “Lazy Sunday” Digital Short.

2. Michael kisses Oscar: The fact that the kiss Steve Carell planted on Oscar Nunez during season 3’s “Gay Witch Hunt” was unscripted (so the rest of the casts’ reaction was genuine) pushed this moment into genius territory.

1. Michael proposes to Holly: There have been unconfirmed reports that I was crying my eyes out during the entire sequence when Michael takes Holly on a tour of the office — and of their relationship — before he proposes to her with help from the rest of his candle-holding co-workers. The button on the scene was that after Holly said yes, he announced to the rest of his colleagues that he was moving to Colorado. So, basically, you’re crying and then (even though you’re well aware Carell is leaving the show) you get punched in the stomach.

The fact that this episode — “Garage Sale” — aired just a little more than a month ago gives me confidence that the show’s writers have a little magic left in their pens for Carell’s send-off.

So what’s your favorite Steve Carell moment on “The Office”? Maybe you can’t stand the character and you’re actually excited to see him go. If that’s the case, why are you the way that you are…?

Glee: Accept Yourself

No Sue, no problem: at least not when you have a cartoonishly nasty doctor around to pick up the villainous slack.

After Rachel got punched in the face by accident while the glee club was working on their dancing — I’m surprised none of the other characters had punched Rachel in the face on purpose yet — the spectacularly insensitive quack suggested that Rachel get a nose job. At first, she was insulted but when she heard that it could potentially improve her singing, she was quickly on board.

That was the springboard for this week’s episode of “Glee”, which was a cut above most of season 2’s offerings and managed to be mostly enjoyable, despite a bloated 90-minute running time.

On the surface, “Born This Way” seemed to be a continuation of this season’s worst instincts: i.e. cashing on the latest pop culture trend (Lady Gaga) regardless of if it made sense within the storyline. Instead, the episode was a return to the core of what this show is about…an exploration and a celebration of a group of high school underdogs.

Rachel told everyone else that she was thinking of getting a nose job and that ignited a lesson about everyone accepting themselves for who they are.

Unfortunately, this extended beyond the glee club and included Emma Pillsbury. While I liked the Will/Emma action we got last week, I wasn’t feeling the couple this time around nearly as much. In trying to get Emma to accept and treat her OCD tendencies — as opposed to her “Ginger” tendencies — Will was supposed to come off as caring, but ended up coming off a bit annoying. Sometimes I honestly can’t tell if Matthew Morrison’s performance is supposed to be a parody of the “earnest teachers” or if Will Schuester is really supposed to be like this.

Anyway, Emma ended up getting help from a psychiatrist (played by Oscar nominee Kathleen Quinlan), who prescribed medication. At first, I sensed some dark undertones about Emma taking medication (the next-to-last episode this year is titled “Funeral” after all), but everything seemed honky-dory after Emma joined the big group number at the end of the episode. Also, Emma taking pills seems like a bit of a contradiction of the “born this way” mantra, but whatever.

Back at the glee club (full of trouty mouths and self-hating Asians), everyone’s insecurities were magnified thanks to Santana’s rampant bitchiness. The irony, of course, is a source of Santana’s abrasiveness is that she can’t accept that she’s a Lebanese. Santana is still in love with Brittany and decided that the best way to get her back was to become prom queen and decree that Brittany leave Artie for her.

Every queen needs a king, so she enlisted jock/bully Karofsky as her king after she noticed him checking out Sam’s ass and realized she could blackmail him. Her plan involved getting Karofsky to apologize to Principal Figgins for bullying Kurt and getting Kurt to come back to McKinley. Sure, this move would probably get most of the glee club to support her bid to be queen, but why would the rest of the school care? Also, why would ANYBODY vote for Karofsky when the guy appears to be an a-hole to everyone? (Oh oh…I’m thinking too much about things again. Like my favorite Adam Sandler movie title, I have to remember to Just Go With It.)

The plan worked after Kurt forced Karofsky to level with him and Karofsky agreed to co-spearhead a Parents Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays group at the school. (In case you’d forgotten this season’s primary mission.)

Meanwhile, Santana has plenty of competition for the prom queen crown in front-runner Quinn and newcomer Lauren.

Former pageant baby/pull-up prodigy Lauren decided to run and dug up a deep, dark (and conveniently random) secret from Quinn’s past. It turns out that Quinn is Lucy Fabray’s middle name and that she used to be uglier and heavier (fat-suit alert!) before a makeover. I suppose that this revelation about Quinn’s past helps explain her obsession with being prom queen. The only problem is that she already HAD a motive for wanting to be prom queen. (To return to the stop of the school hierarchy after being bounced from the Cheerios.) I didn’t totally buy it.

Even more annoyingly, I didn’t buy Lauren’s actions. The Lauren we’ve seen doesn’t strike me as the kind of person who’d do something underhanded and certainly doesn’t strike me as someone who would sneak around and do anything. Fortunately, Quinn gained some new fans and Lauren apologized to her.

In the end, Rachel decided to not get a nose job and Lea Michele most got a break from playing a raging bitch. Everyone wins! Now on to the musical numbers!

“Unpretty/I Feel Pretty”…A: I’m usually not big on this show’s mash-ups because I feel like you lose too much of each of the songs being mashed together. However, I thought this slowed-down, acoustic take was absolutely lovely. I don’t know whether Dianna Agron stepped her game up or force-of-nature Lea Michele stepped her game down, but I thought their voices sounded wonderful together. Brilliant. I can definitely see myself listening to this on my headphones at work.

“I’ve Gotta Be Me”…B+: A very entertaining dance-heavy performance featuring great physical comedy from Cory Monteith. (Do we think Monteith is really a terrible dancer in real life? I suspect that he’s pretty bad, although it’s obviously exaggerated for his character.) There was an impressive final note from him too.

“Somewhere Only We Know”…A-: I enjoyed seeing the recycled outdoor set from this season’s “Empire State of Mind” number. I don’t think it quite reached “Teenage Dream”-level heights, but it was still a nice farewell to the Warblers that aren’t Blaine.

“As If We Never Said Goodbye”…C: Chris Colfer sounded fantastic (as usual) and I liked that he was pretty restrained, but to be perfectly honest I thought this number was WAY too long and that it could’ve easily been cut from the episode. (Kurt’s return had been covered by the “Somewhere Only We Know” scene.) I think it felt like padding for the 90-minute running time.

“Barbra Streisand”…D+: I (guess I) enjoyed seeing the recycled mall set from Artie’s “Safety Dance” number. This number — which convinced Rachel to not have a nose job and stay special like her idol — was supposed to be joyful, but I thought it was mostly pointless. More filler.

“Born This Way”…A-: True confessions time: I don’t really care for “Born This Way.” I think it’s pretty much the worst Lady Gaga song that has become a hit for her. (“Born This Way” is #1 for six straight weeks while “Bad Romance” never even topped the chart? Come on!) Anyway, I enjoyed watching this group number A LOT more than I do listening to the song on the radio, but that’s probably because I spent most of it trying to read everyone’s T-shirt.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why were the Bully Whips wearing berets? (Wait, who cares? It was awesome!) Do the writers have any idea what to do with Sam besides make jokes about his “Trouty Mouth”? Finally, what would your “Born This Way” white T-shirt say?

Dancing with the Stars: Guilty as Charged

Even though last week’s episode of “Dancing with the Stars” was nothing short of a disaster and I still think theme weeks are completely unnecessary…I was kind of digging last night’s “Guilty Pleasures” theme.

That’s probably because there’s no guiltier pleasure out there than “Dancing with the Stars”! Every time I watch this show — and then proceed to write about it — my Man Card gets cut in half. I can’t even keep track of how many times I’ve had to re-apply for one of those things over the years.

But enough about me! Let’s talk about last night’s couples, in order of appearance.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: Remember how Kirstie (along with Ralph) was considered the favorite to win this season after her week 1 performance? Me neither! Obviously, it’s been easy to forget with all the thigh spasms, missing shoes and mid-rehearsal breakdowns. But last night’s samba to “…Baby One More Time” was a good and much-needed reminder that Kirstie can actually dance quite well. Her steps were right on, but I still would’ve liked to have seen more oomph in her moves.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl: Doing a tango to “Don’t Stop Believin’” turned out to be just as bad as it sounded. After being labeled a contender last week by the judges, Chris seemed to crumble under the pressure of delivering even higher scores. Although his technique was sound, if you looked at his face during the routine, he really looked like he just wanted to get it over with. (And so did I.) Afterwards, Chris basically admitted that it was crap. I hope he gets another week to redeem himself, but he’s going to be in some trouble tonight.

Romeo and Chelsie: I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Romeo really began ascending to the top of the leader board as soon as he stopped bitching during rehearsals. Sure, the way he hits on Chelsie (and, last night, Brooke) is a little skeezy, but at least he’s fully invested in the show. I thought his waltz to “My Heart Will Go On” was the best dance of the night and deserving of the season’s first 10. (Or, as Bruno would say: “Tehn!!”) Now that he’s embraced the ridiculousness of this show — and admitted his love for “Titanic” — it’s clear he has no shame. The sky is the limit!

Chelsea Kane and Mark: We learned that Chelsea just wants everyone to get along and doesn’t have a competitive bone in her body…unless you dunk some water on her. (I guess they had to show SOMETHING from their rehearsals.) Anyway, I thought their quickstep to “Walkin’ on Sunshine” was appropriately lively and spry although (like Bruno) I detected a couple of quick moments when Chelsea looked unsteady. It was very good, but I wouldn’t have given it a 10. (I thought Jericho’s quickstep from earlier this season was better.) Credit also needs to go to Mark for dancing through a painful looking ankle injury he suffered during rehearsal. I would’ve never known he was hurt if it hadn’t been brought up…that’s why these people are Pros.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: I think Kendra is the worst dancer left in the bunch, but last night she delivered a lively, boob-a-licious samba that was her best dance BY FAR. Louis instructed her to shake everything God (and her plastic surgeon) gave her, and Kendra was happy to oblige. (Happy birthday, Len!) During rehearsals, it looked like she was going to be a bit tentative, but Louis pushed her to go over-the-top with everything and it ended up looking great on the dance floor. Methinks top-heavy girls like Kendra (and Kirstie and Wendy Williams) naturally feel self-conscious about shaking their anythings too much or any big movements, so it was good to see one of them cut loose. Kendra’s only problem might be that people may have been too traumatized from the footage of Bruno(’s banana hammock) in Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing” video to remember her call-in number.

Hines Ward and Kym: It figures. The last few weeks I felt like Hines had been over scored by the judges. Last night, I thought his “End of the Road” Viennese waltz was pretty excellent (I liked his connection to Kym and the audience), but the judges — or at least Carrie Ann — seemed a little underwhelmed. I’m not saying it SHOULD happen, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Hines were placed “in jeopardy” this week to give his fan base a kick in the pants.

Ralph Macchio and Karina (pictured, right): Karina’s tumble and fall during her paso doble with Ralph actually made me think about how remarkable these professional dancers are. I’ve seen every performance night episode of this show, and in 12 seasons I can’t remember any other instance where a pro has made such a glaring mistake. (And even last night you could argue that the DWTS costume department is to blame.)

I rewound and watched the fall several times, and I was mostly struck by how quickly and calmly Ralph helped her up. It took the couple a bit to recover (she looked embarrassed and a little shocked), but I think they finished strong. On one hand, it’s a shame because I’ve been saying for a while that the paso is the PERFECT match for Ralph’s over-the-top intensity. (The couple still performed quite well.) On the other hand, I think I was more impressed by Ralph’s quick action and composure than I would’ve been if they had done the dance without incident.

So what’d you think of this episode? When you saw how old Hanson is now, did it make you feel like a grandparent or a great-grandparent? Were you surprised that Ralph waited this long to unleash “wax-on/wax-off?”? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m going with Kendra. Better to leave on a high-note, no?)

Scream 4 Review

I was absolutely shocked by how much I hated “Scream 4.”

Trust me when I say that I WANTED to love it. I was 14 when the funny, scary, all-around outstanding original “Scream” came out, so it was right in my teenaged wheelhouse. On top of that, I thought “Scream 2” had some pretty strong moments (that opening sequence in the movie theatre is still chill-inducing) before a weak ending. Meanwhile, “Scream 3” was…a movie. (Seriously though, Parker Posey was the only good thing in it.)

Either way, I was excited for “Scream 4.” The original cast, director and (most importantly) writer were back! Even better, “Scream 4” appeared to share an excellent sense of timing with “Scream.”

When “Scream” came out in 1996, the slasher/horror movie genre was all but dead at the box office. Director Wes Craven and screenwriter Kevin Williamson injected new life into the genre by cleverly deconstructing its conventions AND delivering a strong horror movie in its own right. Fast forward to 2011. The last “Saw” movie limped into theatres less than a year ago and Hollywood has pretty much stopped remaking Japanese horror flicks featuring creepy ghost kids. It seemed like the perfect time for “Scream 4” to come along and give its horror movie colleagues a kick in the ass.

Instead, “Scream 4” is the person who was hanging out with a group of friends, had a perfect opportunity to say something witty or make a perfect comment, but couldn’t come up with anything until it was too late. This has happened to all of us. There was even a “Seinfeld” episode about this.

The perfect example is the movie’s opening sequence, which I won’t spoil here except to say that it takes aim at “Saw” and its many sequels…and at people who talk during movies.

I totally agree with the movie’s observation that most horror flicks these days — especially the torture porn stuff from the “Saw” and “Hostel” franchises — aren’t so much scary as they are simply gross. The only problem is that EVERYONE pretty much agrees with that not-so-biting insight…which is why both of those franchises are dead. This kind of satire might’ve actually been more effective if it had been done when the “Saw” movies were at the height of their popularity.

There are two major problems: 1.) Where the original “Scream” succeeded both as a satire of slasher movies AND as a great, stand-alone horror/mystery, “Scream 4” fails at both. 2.) Once “Scream 4” actually starts, it’s only slightly better than the intentionally-bad fake-outs from the beginning.

The plot revolves around Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) returning to Woodsboro on a tour to promote her book about surviving the wrath of the Ghostface killer(s). Meanwhile, Sheriff Dewey Riley (David Arquette) is now married to a bored, insecure Gale Weathers (Courtney Cox).

We also meet Sidney’s cousin Jill (Emma Roberts), who serves as a connection to the movie’s new cast of young characters. (Fresh blood!) That includes Jill’s friends Kirby (Hayden Panettiere) and Olivia (Marielle Jaffe,who was CLEARLY only cast so she could strip down to her underwear before being attacked), as well as Jill’s ex-boyfriend Trevor (Nico Tortorella).

There’s also Charlie (Rory Culkin) and Robbie (Erik Knudsen) a pair of smug tech-savvy movie geeks along to explain the new rules (throw out all the old rules!) and generally continue to give a bad name to respectable movie geeks like yours truly.

Some of the performers managed to deliver vibrant performances. I liked what Cox brought to the table —probably because her character seemed as annoyed as I was in the theatre — as well as Panettiere (strong and spunky, despite a truly inexplicable hairstyle) and Alison Brie of “Community” as Sidney’s foul-mouthed publicist. The most notable thing I can say about Campbell is that she still looks really good after several years away from the spotlight. Meanwhile, the only thing Arquette’s fan-favorite Dewey gets to do is arrive late at murder scenes and run his hand through his hair.

Unfortunately, the movie couldn’t decide if it wanted to be a sequel or a reboot. “Scream 4” most closely resembles a sequel because the three main characters are here and it’s a continuation of the previous movies’ storylines. However, the killer’s motives — by far the WEAKEST in any of the three previous movies, except maybe “Scream 2” — seem to strongly suggest that this movie wanted to be a reboot.

It’s that kind of non-committal push and pull that ultimately doomed the movie. Did “Scream 4” want to be a sequel or a reboot? Did it want to be scary or funny? Even the rare effective kill or set piece was undermined by a bad joke like “F--- Bruce Willis.” How current! It seems like Craven and Williamson couldn’t decide, so they accomplished neither. And I think they accomplished even less with this disappointing effort.

I know a lot of people will enjoy “Scream 4” purely for the nostalgia factor, but I’m bummed that what started out as a cutting edge franchise is now the cinematic equivalent of the 300th person to make a spoof video of Rebecca Black’s “Friday.”

Scream 4…D

Battle: Los Angeles Review

“Battle: Los Angeles” is an action-packed sci-fi spectacle…where not that much actually happens.

Director Jonathan Liebsman conjures up several striking visuals…but I’d already started to forget about the movie on the drive home.

Typically, when an action movie — or any movie — is forgettable, it’s because of a lack of interesting, well-developed characters. “Battle: Los Angeles” is no exception.

Before meteor-like fireballs start raining down on Los Angeles, we meet a group of Marines led by the relatively inexperienced Lt. William Martinez (Ramon Rodriguez) and Sgt. Michael Nantz (Aaron Eckhart), who is on the verge of retirement. (What is this? “Lethal Weapon”?)

Once the city is under attack, the platoon is sent to evacuate a portion of downtown Los Angeles, but end up tangling with the aliens and fighting for their lives.

The fact that there’s really nothing more to this movie is both the best and the worst thing about it.

It’s good because the movie is never boring (or at least never quiet) and ‘Battle: Los Angeles” totally works as a straightforward shoot-em-up.

More specifically, I was a bit struck to realize that, despite a strong physical presence and one of the squarest jaws in Hollywood, this was Aaron Eckhart’s first outing as a full-on action hero. I thought it looked good on him and I’m glad he really brought it.

On the other hand, the simplistic plot/characters are not a good thing because nothing that happens really matters.

The movie even seemed to acknowledge how non-descript its characters were by identifying each one of the Marines with title cards near the start of the movie. Even after that, when one of them died I’d have to turn to someone and ask, “Who just got killed?!” I didn’t even realize R&B star Ne-Yo was in the movie until after I went to its IMDb page!

Of course, the lack of interesting humans may have been saved by intriguing aliens. Except that we don’t really get a great look at the aliens most of the time, which is fine if you’re trying to make them scary. The problem is that what we DO find out about them isn’t terrible interesting. Let’s just say their motivation for attacking Earth (which I won’t reveal) has been famously done before. The movie also establishes that to kill one, you have to shoot to the right of where its heart should be…but that never really factors into the story in a significant way.

Ok, so neither the humans nor the aliens are terribly interesting…I know! The movie is called “Battle: Los Angeles”…let’s make the city a character. Unfortunately, except for a set piece set on a freeway and the presence of a few Mexican characters, there’s really not that much to indicate that this movie is set in Los Angeles.

I admire that the movie tried to play it relatively straight and establish a grim tone (being invaded by aliens isn’t a fun romp…it sucks!). But since “Battle: Los Angeles” wound up being a shoot-em-up with bland characters, I wish everyone involved would’ve had more fun. As it stands, the real attempts at humor were overshadowed by unintentional comedy. (Like a character seriously declaring during a tense moment: “Maybe I can help…I’m a veterinarian.” Come on! That line is straight out of “Airplane!”)

In the end, “Battle: Los Angeles” winds up being an entertaining but completely uninvolving action movie that wasn’t quite as interesting as its awesome trailer.

Battle: Los Angeles…C+

Justified: My Bodyguard

At the risk of sounding indelicate, let’s just say I enjoyed this episode of “Justified” about as much as Marshal Tim was enjoying the challenge of protecting/keeping an eye on Raylan.

(“This s--- gets me hard.”)

Ok, so maybe not quite THAT much.

Watching this episode unfold gave me a new appreciation for the patience and detail that’s been paid to developing the relationships between this season’s characters. (Raylan and Boyd, Raylan and the Bennetts, Boyd and the Bennetts, etc.)

In fact, the one relationship I wasn’t completely feeling was the one between Raylan and Winona.

Last week, I thought they had some lovely moments, but I also noted that it probably wasn’t a coincidence that Winona was in the car with Raylan both times those hitmen appeared. This week, after spotting a careless, shivering, urinating gentleman outside Gary and Winona’s old house, Raylan was able to discover the Wynn Duffy connection…which meant Gary was behind it after all.

Turns out Gary had ordered the hit, but had second thoughts and tried to back out. Duffy wasn’t about to let him do that since Gary could link him to the hit, so Gary needed to go. Gary, being the true gentleman that he is, decided to piggyback on Raylan and Winona’s protective detail (courtesy of Tim and Rachel).

There were some darkly comic moments during the showdown in Duffy’s RV — I particularly enjoyed the straight-out-of-“Dexter” plastic sheet, and I’m generally a fan of Jere Burns’ creepy performance on this show — but overall, the scene was a letdown. It’s a shame because when Raylan declined calling for backup because all they’d do is arrest Duffy, we were set up for something really good.

Instead, nobody got shot and Gary was kindly asked to leave the country. On one hand, I like that Duffy is still out there to cause trouble. On the other hand, I had a big problem with Raylan’s reasoning for note telling Winona what Gary had done. He said that it would “tear her apart.” Would it though? Winona and Gary’s marriage is over and we saw them in a contentious divorce proceeding last week. On top of that, she KNOWS about his shady dealings. Does she care enough about Gary at this point that this would “tear her apart”? Would this latest scumbag-y move from Gary really shock her enough to “tear her apart”? I didn’t buy it. It seemed like the writers went out of their way to make Raylan look like a good guy. We KNOW Raylan is a good guy.

Fortunately, everything that led up to that (and the episode’s final scene) more than made up for that deficiency.

Some of the best stuff in this episode centered around the interplay between Tim and Raylan, who was admirably honest about his intentions to sneak away from Tim. The structure of this storyline — Raylan has SO many people that would want to kill him that he has to make multiple phone calls/visits — was inherently funny. Then again, the sight of Raylan walking in and finding Winona, Gary, Tim and Rachel lazily watching a Western on TV was more outwardly funny.

After confirming that the Miami cartel wasn’t responsible (don’t forget about them), Raylan visited a still beaten-down Mags (feat. the Oak Ridge Boys), who continues to take crap for making the Black Pike deal. Doyle popped in and stopped just short of whipping out a ruler in an attempt to intimidate Raylan, but the Bennett brother who was busiest last night was Dickie.

Dickie had recruited a new crew (with questionable aim) only to get ripped off by Boyd and his guys — including a gimpy Arlo — in the middle of a pot deal. Dickie wanted to get revenge, but two of his muscleheads didn’t really want to be in a gang war, so they quit. Unfortunately, their severance package was a couple of bullets to their heads by Dickie. I would’ve accepted this at face value, but this makes even more sense when you consider Dickie’s mounting frustration at not being allowed to avenge Coover. He’ll be damned if he’s not going to avenge being ripped off.

Since Dickie recognized that the masked, limping figure was Arlo, he took his remaining henchman and went to confront him. Instead, he found a shotgun wielding Helen. The tension and dread in this scene was both terrible and fantastic. As soon as Helen realized that Dickie intended to kill Arlo no matter what, she made her move. Cut to the outside of the house with two shots being fired and Helen letting out a cry. (That’s a cruel way to end an episode, “Justified”!)

This wasn’t a complete surprise after a wonderful moment of foreshadowing earlier in the episode where Helen tried to advise Ava on the proper etiquette of being the significant other of an outlaw.

Here’s why I’m loving all this stuff? Dickie may have been denied the chance to kill Raylan, but he still found a way to hurt the Givens. Meanwhile, Arlo’s partnership with Boyd is what got Helen shot, so I’m imagining Raylan is going to be almost as pissed at his own dad and Boyd as he will be at Dickie.

Speaking of Boyd, I can’t help but feel like he’s lying to Ava when he’s telling her that he’s going to be completely honest with her. The fact that his swastika tattoo was so prominently displayed in their bedroom scene together was a strong reminder that this is a bad guy.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why does Raylan know so much about ice cream? Have we really seen the last of Gary? Which pop culture reference from Tim did you prefer — “The Bodyguard” or “The Big Chill”? Finally, do we think that Helen actually survived and is NOT the person we saw being rolled out in that body bag in the previews for next week’s episode? (Instead, that’d be Dickie’s remaining flunky.)

American Idol: 21st Century Breakdown

Poor Paul McDonald.

Did you see him mumble his way through that hellaciously off-key group performance of Pink’s “So What” last night? The reason I don’t usually watch the “American Idol” results shows is to avoid atrocities like that. Paul looked like he was starring in his own, depressing episode of “Don’t Forget the Lyrics.” He seemed even more miserable than I was watching last week’s episode. And the fact that he was wearing the same suit made it seem like he’d been locked up backstage all of last week and was only able to break free just in time to stumble onstage Wednesday night.

Add in Naima Adedapo “dancing”/parkouring across the stage, the return of Ashthon Jones(’ cleavage) and Pia’s mic not working during her mini-duet portion with Paul and you had a perfectly terrible performance. The only way it could’ve been worse is if Karen had sung, “Check my flow, uh!” in Spanish.

Forget Paul McDonald…poor us!

Then again, maybe this historically-bad performance was the producers’ clever way of lowering out expectations for the top 7 performance!

I’m happy to report that I will now stop whining about outdated themes/songs because last night the contestants performed “Songs from the 21st Century.” (That still sounds vaguely sci-fi.)

So here I am, all excited about a relevant theme…and the first two things I hear are the musical equivalent of a car wreck and a song from 1983 that LeAnn Rimes happened to cover a few years ago. (Erica astutely pointed out that we were in trouble when Seacrest made a point of mentioning that we’d be hearing songs recorded after the year 2000, as opposed to written this century. I hate it when she’s right.)

I actually enjoyed Scotty McCreery’s version of “Swingin’” while it was happening, but I also agree with the judges that it was an exceedingly safe and unimaginative choice. Even more troubling is the fact that, in the last few weeks, Scotty hasn’t really done anything we haven’t seen him do before. There he is holding the microphone like a flute. There he is raising his eyebrow. There he is appearing to throw gang signs for extra emphasis. And there he is sitting on the steps. Oh, why am I wasting my time, he’s not going anywhere.

Also not likely going anywhere is James Durbin, who followed Scotty last night. Now James, on the other hand, seems mildly obsessed with giving us something we’ve never seen on the “Idol” stage every week. (And I like that a lot.) This week, it was…a Muse song! Ok, it was also the drumline, but I was just as pleased by his decision to tackle “Uprising.”

I was less pleased by his flat verse and by his shrieky final chorus that kept jarringly switching octaves, but the judges didn’t say anything about it, so we should just move on. (Buries head in hands.) Also, I’ve heard Adam Lambert, I’ve seen Adam Lambert(’s outfits)…and you sir, are no Adam Lambert.

Will this finally be the week that Lauren “B+” Alaina makes her bottom 3 debut? It SHOULD be, because for what feels like the 30th consecutive week, she underwhelmed. “Born to Fly” was a cute song performed competently, but nothing more. At least this week Lauren admitted that she holds back because she’s intimidated. Hopefully next week, she’ll do something about it.

One of the most mind-boggling moments of last night’s episode was Randy telling Jacob Lusk that he needs to be less restrained. (NOOOOOO!!!!) This came after a performance of Luther Vandross’ “Dance with my Father” that should have been a home run after Jacob told us that he’d lost his father at an early age, but came up short vocally. Jacob also appeared to have some sort of technical flub at the beginning, but recovered nicely. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to move on because I’m not going to be the heartless prick that criticizes him for a fairly subpar performance on a song that obviously means a lot to him.

I have to admit that I missed will.i.am this week because I thought he brought out the best in mentor Jimmy Iovine. However, Iovine was still solid on his own this week and his most spot-on assessment is that Stefano Langone performs as if he’s begging on stage. (SO not sexy.) Instead, he performed Ne-Yo’s “Closer” with the swagger and dance moves of a slightly less-desperate poser. Honestly, Stefano looked more concerned with hitting his moves than nailing his vocals. To be honest, I thought this was only one or two steps better than Jordan Dorsey’s reviled version of “OMG” from the semifinals.

Haley Reinhart bounced back pretty nicely with a strong performance of Adele’s current mega-hit “Rolling in the Deep.” Even though everyone pretty much agreed that this is the kind of music Haley should be singing, I liked that she didn’t try to mimic Adele and did her own thing. The bad news is that the emotional connection to the song wasn’t there in the performance or in the vocal, but the good news is that I like her, so “did her own thing” is good in my book.

Finally, there’s Casey Abrams, who just might be a crazy person.

I actually really liked the very beginning of his performance of “Harder to Breathe” by Maroon 5. I liked the minimal music and focus on his vocal until the chorus. Unfortunately, everything turned mildly psychotic after that. And I’m not even talking about the kiss he snuck onto People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Cheek. (I sneak kiss-attack Erica all the time…so that didn’t bother me.)

What I’m referring to is the way he angrily, robotically stalked the stage and interacted with fans while his guitar hanging behind him. He didn’t look like fun, quirky jazz guy…he looked a little possessed. That being said, it was definitely memorable.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you as shocked as I was to hear the judges give out actual critiques a few times? What did you think of the pre-performance packages in which the contestants ribbed on each other? (I think it was a sneakily genius way to address what a lot of people are saying about the singers.) Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m sticking with Stefano, but after last night I kind of wish we could eliminate Paul again.)

Glee: The Evil League of Evil

I thought the music-packed “Original Song” — the last new episode of “Glee” before Tuesday night — was one of the show’s strongest outings this season.

So, of course, Fox promptly put the show on a month-long mini hiatus and squashed whatever momentum the show might’ve been gathering.

That’s why it was no surprise that last night’s “A Night of Neglect” was a disappointment. The episode managed to simultaneously feel overstuffed — Gwyneth Paltrow! The return of Sunshine Corazon! The League of Doom/Legion of Evil! — and feel like filler before the really interesting stuff starts happening as season 2 wraps up.

Even the weekly theme — which is already a shaky device to tie each episode’s storylines together — was a head-scratcher. This week, Mr. Schue assigned to glee club members to perform a song by a “neglected” artist…whatever the f--- that means!

New Directions needed to raise money for their trip to New York City for Nationals, so Mr. Schue’s brilliant idea was to sell salt water taffy because that’s what he did when he was in school. (I continue to be astounded by what an idiot Mr. Schue can often be. Also, does he actually know that "5000 x 0.25 = 20,000" is completely wrong or was that a joke?) It was during this brainstorming session that the existence of an even more neglected club was revealed.

The Brainiacs consisted of Tina, Mike, Artie and emergency fill-in/cat-disease expert Brittany. And, yes…I would’ve assumed that they were in the club because two of them were Asian and the other guy wore glasses. Glee club decided to host a fundraising concert in the auditorium called “A Night of Neglect” to raise money for themselves and for the Brainiacs.

(Re-)Enter Sunshine Corazon, who came in peace (even though Rachel had sent her to a crack house) and bearing the gift of Twitter followers to attend the concert. I realize she’s only been in two episodes, but I still can’t get a read on Sunshine. She’s obviously mega-talented, and she has also spent the last few months under the direction of Vocal Adrenaline’s douche-y Dustin Goolsby. That makes me think her good-girl personality is at least partly a put-on. I’m not saying she’s a spy (that would be Jesse St. James redux), but I think there’s more to her, and I’m actually interested in finding out what it is. (Even if Charice’s acting was borderline atrocious last night.)

Unfortunately, Dustin pulled Sunshine out of “A Night of Neglect”, resulting in a truly pathetic turnout.

It was all part of Sue’s plan (OF COURSE it was), since Dustin (aka Sgt. Handsome) had been recruited to join her League of Doom along with Terri Schuester (aka Honey Badger) and Sandy Ryerson (aka the Pink Dagger). Their mission: to destroy the glee club.

I’ve you’ve read any of my recaps before, you know that I’m COMPLETELY done with Sue’s antics to destroy the glee club. That being said, I was happy to glad to see Sue take more of a backseat to some new, villainous blood. Ok, so maybe I’m not thrilled to see Terri back, and Cheyenne Jackson’s character (who we’d only seen in a brief cameo) predictably turned out to be a cocky douche, but at least Predatory Gay Sandy Ryerson turned out to be hilarious. Also, I kind of wish my school had a Hecklers Club. (Although football player Azimio already seemed like a seasoned heckler.)

Meanwhile, the glee club storyline was dominated by — stop me if you’ve heard this before — Rachel acting like a self-involved twit, and Mercedes feeling underappreciated. (At least it wasn’t another storyline focused around her weight.) Sure, Mercedes had Lauren as backup this time (instead of Kurt), but it feels like we’ve seen Mercedes and Rachel clash before making up by the end of the episode more than enough times. Also, does Rachel do anything else on this show besides talk about how great she is and complain about not getting every major solo? (That said, I thought it was fitting that there was no Rachel performance in “A Night of Neglect.”)

I liked the scene towards the end with Rachel telling Mercedes to go out and grab superstardom instead of pouting about not getting respect, but it would’ve been more effective if I didn’t believe that we’re going to see this conflict in a few weeks.

I haven’t even mentioned Gwyneth Paltrow, who appeared in what was likely her swan song this season. Like her previous appearances, I thought she delivered a game and funny performance. Unlike her last two appearances, her character didn’t hijack the episode, which was good. Indeed, Holly was only around long enough to formally break up with Will after she saw them together in the kitchen. Will was comforting Emma after learning that her marriage to Dr. Carl had been annulled. To be honest, I’ve never been super-invested in the Will and Emma romance, but I thought their grape scene together last night was among the pair’s best.

Holly also got to set the members of the Hecklers Club straight with a mini-speech that somehow veered off into an indictment of anonymous critics/message board posters on the Internet. Maybe it’s just me, but that felt like an indulgent touch from a “Glee” writer who was tired about reading how much worse the show is in season 2. Which it is.

Let’s get on to the musical performances, shall we?

“All By Myself”…A-: Sure the song is a little cheesy, but it actually kind of fit in with the night’s terrible theme. Mostly though, Charice killed it. How can you not be impressed by such a big voice coming out of an incredibly tiny package?

“Follow Rivers”…C-: I’m not giving it a bad grade because Jenna Ushkowitz sounded bad singing this Lykke Li song. (She actually sounded great) I’m giving this a bad grade because the show once again hijacked one of poor Tina’s performance. Let this girl have a moment.

“Bubble Toes”…B: Yes, Harry Shum Jr. is a sensational dancer, but seriously…what does that have to do with anything here?

“Turning Tables”…B: Obviously, Gwyneth can’t touch Adele (but who can?), but I actually thought this was the strongest and most assured that her voice has ever sounded.

“Ain’t No Way"…A: I absolutely loved how (relatively) restrained it was, especially for a Mercedes performance. I actually thought Amber Riley looked and sounded as good as she ever has on this show. I’m just not sure where the gospel choir came from.

So what’d you think of this episode? Don’t any of the glee club members have parents that could have attended “A Night of Neglect”? How do you think the show will continue to work Kurt and Blaine into storylines now that the Warblers are out of the running for Nationals? (I’m guessing nasty, closeted bully Karofsky will factor in heavily.) Finally, how DOES Sandy manage to walk into a building without setting off all the fire alarms?

Dancing with the Stars: Yankee Doodle Dorky

Do we really need theme weeks on “Dancing with the Stars”?

Between the dancing, the laughably-bad singing from the band, the insane judges, the delusional celebrities, and the PG-13 nudity…isn’t there already enough stuff happening on this show?

I bring this up because I thought Americana week was pretty much a complete disaster.

Yes, I’m the same guy who raved about Classical Week last time out, so I’m basically a giant hypocrite. (“Theme weeks are terrible…unless I enjoy the theme!”) I like America and I like “Dancing with the Stars”, so what went wrong?

My biggest problem was that the costumes and song choices forced upon the couples this week often clashed horribly with the style of dance they were asked to do.

Don’t believe me? Let’s run down last night’s episode, in order of appearance, starting with…

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Ralph actually summed it up perfectly when he noted that this dance would feature a New Yorker and a Ukrainian performing a Brazilian party dance/two-step to “Sweet Home Alabama.” Why, that’s just crazy enough to work! Except that it didn’t. At all. Besides how crazy it was, I think Ralph reverted to his over-the-top tendencies that make him look crazy when he dances. I also felt like he was going to fall over at any second. Overall, not a great start to this episode and an unfortunate sign of things to come.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke: Not all of last night’s episode was terrible. In fact, I thought Jericho’s Viennese waltz was actually quite beautiful, even though I think there are still too many moments in his routines where he stands there while Cheryl dances around him. I’d give Chris his much-desired 8 for his waltz…and a 9 for his Len Goodman impersonation. Speaking of Len, where did his comment about Cheryl’s boobs/Rocky Mountains come from? She’s hardly the first pro to let it all hang out. Is he just now noticing?!

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry: I like to think that Elvis Presley is up in heaven (assuming he’s dead) and waiting for the death of the advertising genius who decided to turn “Viva Las Vegas” into “Viva Viagra”…so he can pummel the guy in the afterlife. Oh yeah, Petra. She’s such an insanely nice person — saying how grateful she is for all her opportunities in America — that I actually feel bad for knocking her wobbly, forgettable quickstep.

Romeo and Chelsie: I thought Romeo’s foxtrot was absolutely delightful. The problem was that it veered a bit too much into a Macchio-esque wildness at certain points. Most importantly, Rome FINALLY seems to be getting into the silly spirit of this show. Romeo also proudly announced that he’d officially outlasted his infamous dad on “Dancing with the Stars”, which led me to wonder…Master P lasted FOUR weeks?!?!

Hines Ward and Kym: Over the last two weeks I feel like he’s being a tad over scored because of the lack of a clear frontrunner. (Somebody’s gotta be in first place!) There’s also the fact that he’s just so damn likable. Although I thought he did a better job this week than last (he has the best hip action out of any celeb this year…including the ladies) I didn’t think their rumba was very sexy. But that probably has more to do with the wildly inappropriate song and Kym’s insane dress than Hines and Kym.

Kirstie Alley and Maksim: The DWTS wardrobe person must REALLY hate Kirstie Alley. I’m perfectly ok with the fact that she’s a little bigger, but her bell-bottomed/top with the sheer tummy outfit for “American Woman” didn’t do her (or anybody at home watching) any favors. Even though her routine was not a foxtrot by any stretch of the imagination, Kirstie danced it well and, more importantly, got through it without any mishaps. All credit must go to Dance Doctor John Travolta, who was more charming in his cameo than he has been in his last few movies.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis (pictured, right): The predictable “I really DO care about this ridiculous show” mea culpa from Kendra played out exactly as you’d expect. Well, maybe not, since Kendra still seemed overly perturbed by Carrie Ann’s observation that Kendra is afraid of acting elegant on the dance floor. (I agree.) It’s no accident that her best dance was the sexy rumba. Kendra danced pretty well. The problem was that her “Yankee Doodle Foxtrot” was the dorkiest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And I’ve seen every episode of this show! (Also, I’m a GIANT dork.)

Chelsea Kane and Mark: It’s probably just me, but it still feels like Mark is trying to outshine his partner when he dances. It’s one thing for one of the pros to over dance when their celeb stinks and they have to overcompensate, but Chelsea’s actually REALLY good, so, of course, Mark has to look even better. Ugh. Anyway, their samba WAS really clean and the best dance of the night. It’s no accident that Chelsea’s hip action was much improved from her cha cha a few weeks ago.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Ralph ever give Bruno sex? Am I the only one who can’t hear “Viva Las Vegas” without thinking “Viva Viagra”? Finally, who do you think is going home? (The conventional wisdom is probably Kendra…but I’m going to go with Petra.)

Justified: Follow Me

You know what I realized watching the latest episode of “Justified”? We haven’t actually seen very much of Boyd Crowder in full-on outlaw mode.

Sure, the very first time we saw him in the show’s pilot he was blowing up a church and by the time that episode ended he’d come close to killing sister-in-law Ava. (Will ya look at how far those two have come?!) But after that, Boyd had his religious conversion for the rest of season 1 — which turned out to be mostly sincere — and he’s spent the entirety of this season fighting off multiple temptation to return to a life of crime.

Indeed, Boyd’s reputation as a VERY.BAD.MAN was mostly earned off-screen and before the events of this show. That’s made it a little easier for us to root for him because the Boyd we’ve seen is the one who trades witty banter with Raylan and struggles to do the right thing.

That’s why it was simultaneously tragic and a little electrifying to return to a life of crime after being offered the non-weed criminal business in Harlan by a grieving Mags Bennett.

After seeing the end of last week’s episode, it would’ve been perfectly reasonable to expect Mags to declare an all-out war on Raylan and the Givens. Instead, we got a great, sad scene with two concerned mother figures when Mags met with Helen. Helen (like us) was concerned about Mags striking back against Raylan. Instead, Mags agreed to squash the family feud, lest more blood be spilled.

In case you were afraid that Mags was going soft, she coolly slapped and threatened to kill that boor from last week’s party after he gave her crap for selling out to Black Pike. We also learned that she holds Dickie responsible for Coover’s death, since Dickie was the one who told Raylan were Coover had taken Loretta. As punishment, Dickie got to keep the weed business, but he was banned from all other criminal activity (now under Boyd’s watch) and cut off from the rest of the Bennetts. (I don’t think he’ll be getting Black Pike money in his Christmas cards.)

Poor Dickie. He almost gets choked to death by his own brother, then the man who crippled him kills his brother. Now, not only has he been prohibited from exacting revenge, but he’s been isolated from his family. No wonder he’s making the extremely foolish decision of taking on Boyd, his cousin Johnny and new muscle Devil/Milkshake.

To be completely honest, I’d completely forgotten that Johnny Crowder — the cousin that Boyd shot and mostly crippled during last season’s finale — even existed. It’s weird because I remember liking the relatively sensible character in season 1. Now, he’s literally a broken man, so it didn’t take very much for Boyd to sell him into joining him on his new criminal enterprise (make no mistake…Boyd WAS selling him) since Johnny had experience working with Boyd’s father, Bo. Also, I enjoyed the aggressive Devil. (Too bad he’ll almost certainly be killed very soon.)

Even though Boyd would probably list “full-time criminal” as his occupation, he’s not completely letting go of his life as a decent guy. As soon as he showed up at Ava’s house and Ava approached him, we knew they were going to kiss.

I’m not saying that Ava is ONLY attracted to bad boys — although her ex, Bowman, was no prize. I just think it’s curious that there wasn’t any kind of heat between the two until after they started lying to the police together (after Boyd’s heist) or Boyd went back to being a crook. When Boyd was being “good”, Ava naturally seemed distrustful…but also completely turned-off by him.

But enough about the criminals: let’s talk about the lawmen in this episode.

The scene where Raylan confronted Art with what he knew/didn’t know about the money Winona had stolen was probably my favorite scene in the episode. Art never seemed more like Raylan’s disapproving dad than when he was scolding him for being so stupid and telling him how disappointed he was in him. These guys give each other a lot of crap as boss/employee, but seeing how angry Art was with Raylan (and seeing how embarrassed Raylan was to let Art down) gave us a great look at how much they care for each other.

In fact, for a guy as relentlessly decent as Raylan, he has some considerably psychological scarring that Timothy Olyphan fantastically keeps under the surface. We saw it again during the great scene in which he told Winona that he’d been afraid that he’d helped her with the money caper because he was an outlaw at heart (like his dad), but it turned out that he just loved her.

The Raylan/Winona scenes in this episode were pretty great. I loved the way they ping-ponged between Raylan still being pissed with her to Winona trying to use humor to diffuse the situation (joking about needing a ride to rob a bank). Their no-fuss “I love yous” were also pretty refreshing.

I also liked that the writers allowed Winona to admit that maybe she’s just openly messed up in the head. In movies and TV shows people (including me) usually demand that characters do things for very clear reasons that make sense. In real life, sometimes stress causes people to not think clearly and do truly stupid things. (Like steal money from an evidence locker.)

With Art upset with him, Raylan didn’t see a terribly compelling reason to stick around his job, so he agreed to transfer to Glynco, the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center where he could teach people how to shoot and Winona wouldn’t have to worry about him being killed in the line of duty.

Unfortunately, the two guys who Raylan had schooled earlier in the episode (“I got right, you go left = badass) resurfaced, crashed into Raylan’s car and initiated a shootout. Raylan took out a guys’ legs before killing him. He got the other guy right as he was about to shoot Winona, who was making a run for the exit.

I think it’s great that, after not shooting anyone all year, Raylan has now shot three people in the last two episodes. With the season coming to a close, I have a feeling that number will continue to go up.

So what’d you think of this episode? Have we seen the last of Loretta this year after Raylan talked her into giving her foster home a chance? Finally, who hired those guys to try and kill Raylan? And are we entirely sure those guys were after Raylan? (All I’m saying is that Winona happened to be in the car with him both times they showed up. Also, the scene with Winona and Gary at their divorce proceeding felt inessential.)