Project Runway: Where Da Party At?

I’m going to try to get this recap done before Gretchen stops by to give me (completely unsolicited) “advice” on tone and sentence structure.

The latest episode of “Project Runway” featured an “unconventional item” challenge — my favorites on this show — and, in my opinion, boasted the strongest runway show in recent memory. (Especially impressive with so many designers still in the mix.)

So I’m not going to dwell too much on the show’s efforts to turn Gretchen (pictured, left) into the season’s new villain now that Jason is gone. You can probably detect my reality show cynicism (that’d be my belief that editing on one of these shows could make Gandhi look like a self-absorbed jerk) seeping in. On the other hand, editing can only go so far, and there are irrefutably more than a few designers getting peeved with Gretchen’s self-appointed mother hen act.

I mean, pretty much any designer who wins the first two challenges is going to get a certain amount of hate. However, Gretchen’s two victories had the unfortunate side effect of convincing her that she’s qualified to give other people her advice. (Or that they even want to hear it!) I’m no A.J. fan, but I found myself cheering him on when he stood up to her near the end after someone directed a question at Andy, but Gretchen started speaking for him. Also, there’s absolutely no editing required to make her “keep your stations clean” proclamation seem annoying. Girlfriend needs a bottom 3 wakeup call, pronto!

It doesn’t seem like that’s coming any time soon, especially since Gretchen actually delivered my favorite outfits of hers to date.

But let me back up a bit. The task was to create a look using materials from a party supply store. Before letting the designers loose inside the store, Tim warned them that the judges don’t take kindly to using tablecloth or any other material that is basically fabric (because it’s a copout).

Casanova, as always, seemed absolutely perplexed by the challenge of creating a look NOT using fabric (do they not have “Project Runway” in Puerto Rico?), and decided to grab a bunch of tablecloth anyway to go along with his plush puppies. (I loved the “2 Minutes Ago” flashback to Tim warning them not to use tablecloth.) I know that crazy generally equals entertaining on this kind of show, but I’m getting tired of Casanova’s “no-speaky-English” shtick.

Other than a Tim Gunn giggle fit involving “wooly balls” and Gretchen’s talking, things were relatively quiet inside the workroom. Things were so quiet that we actually got to see the designers briefly hanging out on a buffet line and eating. (Due to the inhumanly stressful nature of these challenges, I sort of just assumed these people never ate.)

I mostly remember Tim and others insisting that A.J. should absolutely excel in this challenge (since it’s what he does), and A.J. lamely trying to defuse those expectations. My boy Michael C. put things into perspective brilliantly during one of his confessionals by mentioning how A.J. is always bragging about being the master of the glue gun. Michael C. has been so spot on and funny these last two weeks that I really hope he sticks around and records confessionals for the entire season, even if he gets eliminated.

If he keeps churning out designs like the one he did last night, he should be around for a while. Personally, I thought his dramatic red dress (and April’s jagged, glass-like gray look) was top-3 worthy. However, with such a strong runway show, I can see how he got left out even if I would’ve happily subbed in his look for Gretchen’s. (Though the fact that she’s pretty annoying might have something to do with that.)

Then again, Gretchen’s outfit (especially that “leather” jacket) was the best thing I’ve seen from her. Still, I think she was surpassed by both Valerie (for her sexy black and white dress that can also be used to clean up messy hors d’oeuvres) and Andy (for his ridiculously stylish braided black dress). Andy deservedly picked up the win (despite guest judge Betsey Johnson claiming it was “too beautiful”), but I would’ve given it to Valerie because I don’t think there’s any way Andy would’ve finished without help from Peach and April. (Obviously, the judges weren’t privy to this, so it wasn’t really a factor.)

The bottom 3 was comprised of choke artist A.J. (beads drooping down from a crotch is never a good look), taste-challenged Casanova and Sarah, who made a sad boring gray dress with palm tree leaves taped on it.

A.J. was deemed safe, and when it came down to Casanova and Sarah, I wasn’t even a little surprised that Sarah (sad and boring) went home over Casanova’s schizophrenic dress which Michael Kors described with the instant-classic transvestite flamenco dancer at a funeral. Even though I don’t completely disagree with the judges’ decision, I feel bad for Sarah. At least she KNEW that her dress was sad and boring. Casanova appears to have no idea what he’s doing and the only way he could land in the judge’s good graces is if he makes something good by accident or if the stuff the judges are smoking that week is particularly strong.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is anyone other than Valerie your favorite? (Michael C. is hilarious, but Valerie is funny AND has shown major design chops.) Do you, like Tim Gunn, prefer wooly balls? (How great was it to see him crying from laughing so hard?) Had we ever seen the designers eat food before? Why are Mondo’s shorts so short? Finally, oh yeah — do you think Ivy’s going to be ok following her trip to the hospital?

Jersey Shore: You Wouldn't Like Pauly D When He's Angry

THIS is more like it.

Though I was happy to see the crew return and arrive in Miami during the season 2 premiere, I was less happy about the fact that the episode focused on Angelina and the Ronnie and Sammi relationship. (AKA: the two most annoying things about “Jersey Shore.”)

Well, the second episode of the season STILL gave us a heavy dose of Ronnie and Sammi, and STILL prominently featured troublemaker Angelina. The difference is that this time Angelina actually interacted with The Situation and Pauly D (probably my two favorite people on this show), so that made it completely different. Seriously though, if you were wondering just how bitchy Angelina is, you need not look further than this episode.

The reason she was even hanging around with S-I-T-U-A-T-I-O-N (“Whatever”) and Pauly D was because no one else in the house would talk with her. More alarmingly, it takes a special brand of bitch to make Pauly D angry.

I mean, he didn’t even get this upset when that girl was “stalking” him on the boardwalk last year. I didn’t even know it was possible for the perpetually-cool Pauly D to get angry. That’s what made his “ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?!” outburst that much more startling (and hilarious).

During their traditional night out at the club, Angelina got drunk, (not Ronnie-drunk, but still pretty drunk) began dancing with women, and reverted back into her cock-blocking ways. (She was hating on Pauly D for hitting on a woman who was married/engaged/about-to-be-engaged.) Back at the house, she started showering The Situation and Pauly D (but mostly Pauly) with unwanted “I love yous” and declarations that she would marry him. I probably would’ve snapped too!

All the while, The Situation was hilariously trying to make himself a midnight snack. There still hasn’t been nearly enough of The Situation (the food ordering gag was amusing, but predictable), but I feel like he’s going to come on strong later this season. That being said, I still enjoyed his reaction after Snooki accidentally dropped his BBQ chicken on the ground, and she and Vinny cluelessly asked him what to do. (“Pick it up, dog!”)

When he does come on strong, he has a potential new nickname: The Instigation. Insofar as “Jersey Shore” has storylines, Sammi finding out about Ronnie’s drunken debauchery is definitely the other shoe waiting to drop this season. And I wouldn’t be surprised to see The Situation play a key role. Last night, he came thisclose to telling J-Woww and Snooki about Ronnie bragging about doing “mad work” at the club and going to bed with Sammi.

For his part, Ronnie has decided to implement the Shaggy defense (“It Wasn’t Me”) if Sammi ever finds out about what he did. Wait, what do I mean “if”? WHEN Sammi finds out, since Ronnie seems to have forgotten that he’s being followed around by a camera crew.

The rest of the episode was mostly a re-run of last week. (In a related note, I’d be ok if this show ONLY showed this group either out at clubs and bars or getting ready to go out to clubs and bars.)

Ronnie and Sammi’s hate-love relationship is so unstable that even rollercoasters get sick to their stomach watching it. First they’re yelling at each other after she goes through his phone book (apparently, he should’ve referred to his ex as “Joe” in his book). Then she’s accompanying him to get a tattoo in the most painful place you can get one. (I can definitely think of a more painful place for a guy than my ribage.)

After visiting a “tranny shop” (which was totally J-Woww’s scene), Snooki bought a pair of $393 glasses (thanks, $2 discount!) and got into a screaming match with Angelina about the alleged trash she talked behind her backs. Yawn. At least this was livened up by J-Woww’s continued willingness to fight anyone (seeing the guys perk up and ask for pretzels to watch the spectacle was funny). I also loved Snooki answering a phone call for Angelina by saying “she died.” (And the caller frantically calling back!)

Finally, there’s Vinny — I’m forcing myself to say something about him every week. Um, I think he looks 60% more interesting with eyeglasses. (I know I’m reaching, but come on!)

So what’d you think of this episode? Could they have looked less thrilled at the prospect of working at the gelato shop? (Seems like fun to me.) Would you ever get a see-through bathroom door installed in your house? Finally, what would you rather do — fight J-Woww or marry Angelina?

Project Runway: Straight Guy in a Gay Man's World

I wasn’t sure if I was going to recap this season of “Project Runway.”

I didn’t watch the season premiere until about five days after it aired, so I didn’t recap it and falling behind after the very first episode didn’t feel great. The new, expanded 90-minute format scared me — it’s ok now that there are approximately 45 designers to meet, but it has the potential to get downright painful when there are 5 or 6 people left and the show struggles to fill those 90 minutes. Finally, those constant commercials for “Army Wives” on Lifetime are starting to get to me.

Yet here I am.

Though I still predict that I’ll be ripping my hair out later in the season, the 90-minute format isn’t too bad yet. (It gave us time to learn about oddball Mondo’s loneliness, though no mention was made of the creepy little doll he keeps on his bedside.)

Mostly though, I wanted to write a recap so I could completely trash designer/bowler hat enthusiast/all-purpose creeper Jason.

This douchesack (he’s doucheyness is much too big to be confined to a bag) rubbed me the wrong way from his awkward introduction in the season premiere, where he claimed that he wore his bowler hat to intimidate people. (Huh?!) I mean, Alex DeLarge wore a bowler, so I guess he can be scary. Now the only thing Jason is missing is charisma. And a clue.

Over the course of the episode’s 90 minutes (the expanded format REALLY allowed Jason’s awfulness to breathe) Jason came up with a clunker of a design concept (infinity/ the number 8 to symbolize…season 8 of “Project Runway”) and delivered another clunky, unfinished dress. Last week he held his backwards kimono together with staples, and this week he used safety pins to close the hole over his model’s belly button that he previously claimed had been intentional. (If he were around next week, maybe he’d whip out scotch tape!)

…and those are the least reprehensible things he did! The worst offense is a tie between throwing his model under the bus by saying she was inadequate for the runway (no wonder she looked miserable/angry in her photo and during judging), and snubbing Tim Gunn after being eliminated. (We don’t like it when people are mean to Tim.) Earlier in the episode, Jason cried “heterophobia” by saying that he was a “straight guy in a gay man’s world” following an unfavorable critique from Tim. (Never mind the fact that straight guy Seth Aaron won this show just last year!)

Wait, I almost forgot about the part where he brusquely lifted his model’s dress on the runway and revealed her underwear…!

Ok, I’m going to stop now because, believe it or not, there are other people on this show.

The challenge this week was something about creating a look for the intelligent, elegant, blah blah blah, Marie Claire reader that would be displayed on a 40-foot billboard in Times Square. To be honest, I wasn’t really paying much attention during this part because the challenge was so uninspiring (even the mid-challenge photo shoot twist was mostly a “Top Model”-lite dud) and because I was too busy marveling at how much Marie Claire editor-in-chief Joanna Coles looks like Helen Mirren.

Despite the fact that there are SO many designers at this stage of the competition, it was pretty easy to predict who’d land in the top and bottom 3 simply based on how the workroom segments were edited.

The one wrinkle was Casanova avoiding the chopping block after a look that made his model look pregnant, and after asking anyone who would listen for help in the workroom. A.J. probably could’ve found a nicer way of brushing him off than rudely exclaiming “I’m not going to pattern for you!” which was especially vexing from a guy who also made his model look like she was pregnant. (With a square alien baby.) In the end, Casanova found help from (now) two-time winner/hip buddy Gretchen.

To be honest, I haven’t really been blown away by Gretchen’s designs (her winning jumpsuit outfit looked like something Tyra might’ve worn during the seventh week of the most recent cycle of “Top Model”), but she gets extra points for making a decent pair of pants on her first solo try and for hilariously trying to explain to Casanova what “bosom buddies” means.

For my money, the win should’ve gone to Valerie for her bright red, zippered, jaunty dress. Michael instantly became a favorite of mine when he congratulated Gretchen, but claimed that Valerie should’ve won. (Between that, and saying that he was trying to befriend Jason so that the creep wouldn’t murder him, it’s like Michael has a direct line into my brain.) Mondo rounded out the top 3 with his whimsical outfit. Personally, I might’ve gone with Christopher D’s short, mesh black dress, but Mondo needed the confidence boost.

The bottom 3 was comprised of Peach, Nicholas and Jason. Peach was lost from the beginning after a safe fabric choice, and the defeatist attitude appeared to have spread to her model, who looked miserable the entire time. Fortunately, Peach proved that she can work fast (creating three separate outfits), and earned a stay of execution (which is great because she’s hilarious AND self-aware).

Nicholas had no such luck, and became the second (and most emotional) contestant to get the boot last night for his overdesigned look/underdeveloped-in-the-back blouse.

The judges are really crapping the bed this season. Their decision to send McKell home last week seemed totally random. (It should’ve been Jason and/or even Nicholas.) This week, I strongly feel that Nicholas had shown enough as a designer to merit another chance, but they sent him packing when most of America would’ve probably been satisfied with watching just Jason get eliminated.

Oh well — at least they DID get rid of Jason.


So what’d you think of this episode? Are you enjoying the extended format? Do you miss “Models of the Runway?” Finally, which designer would you say is more likely to be a serial killer — Jason or Mondo?

Jersey Shore: Two is Better Than One?

“The Godfather: Part II.” “Terminator 2: Judgment Day.” “Aliens.”

Each of these sequels at the very least equaled (or, depending on who you ask, surpassed) the classic original work of art they followed.

Last night brought the second season premiere of “Jersey Shore”, which sought to uphold that lofty tradition after its instant-classic debut season last year.

Did they succeed? Of course not.

But that’s kinda the point of “Jersey Shore.” There are no aspirations of greatness or deep meaning. It’s the TV version of the mindless summer entertainment we usually get at the movie theatre this time of year.

That being said, I’m going to be keeping my eye out for and hoping “Jersey Shore” can avoid the “Hills” conundrum. In case you don’t know what that is (since I just made it up), it refers to what happened to MTV’s other smash-hit reality show, which started off chronicling the lives of clueless unknowns, but eventually became about chronicling the lives of clueless unknowns who’d gotten famous due to their smash-hit MTV reality show, and how they dealt with that fame.

I didn’t get too much of that in the first episode.

Unfortunately, what I did get was WAY too much of my two least favorite things about Jersey Shore: 1.) Angelina 2.) Ronnie/Sammi Sweetheart drama.

And even that followed a mostly tedious 10-15 minute road trip segment with the cast making its way down to Miami (The Situation and Pauly D are stuck in the mud! Um, ok) that was pretty much singlehandedly saved by Snooki. Whether she was basically conceding that she’s pretty much going to cheat on her gorilla juicehead boyfriend Emilio, (“I was like, EMMIIILLLIIIOOO!!!), chomping on fried pickles or giving the camera a Jim Halpert-esque look when that redneck tried to hit on her, Snooki carried this portion of the episode and gave us plenty of hope for the upcoming season. Also, damn that Obama for putting that tax on tanning!

Once they arrived at the house, things got interesting. Well, as interesting as the manufactured drama of inserting the toxic Angelina back into the mix can get.

Let’s talk about Angelina briefly, who I absolutely loathed watching last season. It turns out that I only hated her half as much as her fellow cast members. I couldn’t understand why the producers had brought her back, though I could definitely understand why she’d want to come back. (She basically walked away from the show 10 minutes before it exploded into a phenomenon.)

Watching the season premiere, I got it — she’s just there to stir the pot. Angelina’s ability to (backhanded compliment alert!) get men, women, organisms to hate her is a rare gift. I’ve seen quite a bit of reality TV, and even the bitchiest of contestants can usually find some sort of ally. (The closest Angelina has is The Situation, who is really just one giant instigator.) So, brava to Angelina for being a rare and special breed of horrible.

At least Angelina made things interesting. (And by “interesting”, I mean loud.) I’m SO over the Ronnie/Sammi relationship.

Mostly, I’m just confused. I thought I remembered Sammi breaking up with Ronnie, but in last night’s premiere Sammi was the one moping around about how awkward it is to live in a house with your ex and how she still loves him. Fortunately, my girlfriend Erica was there to explain that, most likely, Sammi wanted Ronnie to come after her and fight for their relationship after she’d broken his heart, which led to this exchange:

Me: “That’s such ‘girl logic.’”
Erica: “Yeah, pretty much.”

Naturally, the two got into a big blow out which culminated in a drunken, “obliviated” Ronnie (props to Vinny for coining that term — and that’s the end of my obligatory Vinny shout-out for the week) calling Sammi the c-word. I don’t know why but I found it thoroughly amusing that, even within this group (that gets most of its dialogue bleeped out) the c-word still made everyone go eerily quiet.

Sammi ended up crying back at the house, while Ronnie got drunker than I’ve ever seen another human being. (Except maybe for Tommy Gavin in this week’s “Blackout” episode of “Rescue Me.”) There was triple kissing, dancing on stage with strippers, making out with “grenades” and “land mines.”

In case you didn’t watch last season, a “grenade” (The Situation explained) is a “bigger ugly girl”, while a “land mine” is a skinny ugly girl. Although, it felt a bit too much like The Situation was TRYING to make the term “land mine” happen, I appreciated this bit of wisdom.

In fact, there simply wasn’t nearly enough The Situation and Pauly D in the first episode (my two favorite characters) other than the gag-inducing revelation that they’ve both now hooked up with Angelina. Leave it to Pauly D to somehow make the idea that he’d hook up with her on a “rainy day” seem funny and charming. Hopefully, we’ll see more of these two guys going forward, and less of all the repetitive junk that clogged the premiere.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did J-Woww simply hang too many clothes on that shelf or was it just poorly made? When and how did she change into that pink dress for her arrival into the Miami apartment? Finally, who is less likable Angelina or Betty Draper?

Inception Review

The moment “Inception” cut to black right after its much-debated final shot, I felt like turning to the people I was with and channeling John Locke after he’s done watching the first orientation film on “Lost.”

“We’re gonna need to watch that again.”

It wasn’t even that I needed to watch “Inception” again because I didn’t understand what the hell was going on. (Although anyone who tells you they understood/appreciated EVERY single layer of writer-director Christopher Nolan’s most ambitious work to date after just one viewing is either lying or drunk. Or both.)

It’s more that I WANTED to experience “Inception” again so that I could attempt to further understand/appreciate everything I’d just seen.

Ugh. I’m afraid I’m making this movie sound more complicated than it really is.

It’d be a crime to reveal too much about this movie to people who haven’t seen it, so I’ll try to keep it simple. “Inception” is set in a world where it is possible for someone to enter the human mind and gain access to a person’s secrets through their dreams.

Leonardo DiCaprio stars as Dom Cobb, the leader of a team of highly-skilled thieves. Cobb is estranged from his family, but gets a chance to go home again when he’s offered the good ‘ol high-risk, virtually-impossible “last job. “

That right there is one level of Nolan’s genius. He takes the exceedingly heady concepts of dreamscapes, sub-consciousness and “what is real?” and presents them through a simple structure that is strikingly similar to a heist movie like “Ocean’s Eleven.” (The gang leader recruits his team, we get a superficial look at the complex plan, and the final act is the carrying out of said plan.)

It takes a little while to get there though. Much of the early portions of “Inception” are disorienting and confusing. Two things here: 1.) Maybe I was just disoriented and confused because I’m not very smart. 2.) I suspect Nolan did this on purpose to recreate the unreal, puzzling nature of dreams. Fortunately, Nolan takes care of his audience by never raising a question/mystery/plot point that isn’t answered or addressed later on (even if you have to do a little bit of the work yourself).

Did I get to the part where “Inception” is one of the most visually-striking films I’ve ever seen? Nolan, cinematographer Wally Pfister and the rest of the crew create one of those beautiful retro-futuristic worlds (like in “Gattaca”) which suggest that this story could be taking place at any time. More importantly, the excellent special effects are used the way special effects should ALWAYS be used. They’re there to supplant and complement the characters and the story, instead of doing all the heavy lifting.

Nolan also gets a big-time assist from a sturdy cast.

This may not be DiCaprio’s best work, but he delivers a strong performance in a challenging role that requires him to exude authority and anguish, often at the same time. I think we’re supposed to be rooting for Dom to succeed so that he could get home, but the character is kept at such an arm’s length that I ended up rooting for him to succeed just to see if what he was trying to do was possible.

Fortunately, the movie features plenty of lively supporting performances to keep things interesting. Joseph Gordon-Levitt (rapidly becoming one of my favorite actors) is rock solid as Arthur, even if I don’t really know what his job actually is other than being Dom’s right hand man. Gordon-Levitt also got to star in the coolest action sequence of the year, an anti-gravity fight inside a rotating hallway. (Yeah, you read that right.)

Tom Hardy delivers most of the laughs (and most of the “Hey, this is supposed to be fun”) as Eames, the team’s “forger.” I also thought Cillian Murphy (as the team’s rich boy target) helped ground the movie’s heist-heavy third act with a terrific, restrained performance.

As much as I gush about Christopher Nolan, he’s not perfect. As was the case with “Batman Begins”/ “The Dark Knight”, Nolan’s weakness is that he’s simply not able to create strong, fully-formed female characters.

That weakness is much less glaring in “Inception”, but I give most of the credit to Oscar winner Marion Cotillard’s emotional performance as Mal, the movie’s complex antagonist. Ellen Page, unfortunately, fares much worse. As Ariadne, the new architect that Dom recruits for his team, Page’s character exists for no reason other than to serve as a stand-in for the audience. When Dom is explaining how the dreamscapes work to Ariadne, he’s really explaining it to us. When Ariadne is yelling at Dom to overcome his issues, she’s really voicing what the audience is feeling. She’s not a person – she’s a narrative device.

I’d also love to tell you something about Ken Watanabe’s performance as the team’s benefactor, but I only understood about 25% of what he said. (Sorry, Ken – I still loved you in “The Last Samurai.”)

Still, the positives far outweigh the negatives.

The summer movie season is usually a time for mindless fun. (Nothing wrong with that, by the way.) Still, with all its strong performance and visual razzle-dazzle, the most exciting thing about “Inception” is that I immediately wanted to watch it again as soon as it was over because it had jumpstarted my brain.

Inception…A-

The Last Airbender Review

Whether you’re a fan of his work or not, you can pretty much ALWAYS tell when you’re watching an M. Night Shyamalan film. (And not just because he semi-obnoxiously started putting “M. Night Shyamalan’s…” before the title of some of his movies.)

In fact, he’s one of only a handful of directors (Tarantino is another) who has an instantly-recognizable style and rhythm in his work. Unfortunately, that style has become characterized by horribly wooden acting and a sea of self-indulgence over the course of his last few movies.

That being said, I admire that the man has his own style. I mean, even though I ripped into “The Happening” when it first came out, I’ve come to appreciate it for the unintentional comedic classic it is.

The good news for the Shyamalan haters is that for his latest project — “The Last Airbender” — nearly all traces of Shyamalan-ess have been removed. For better or worse it looks like almost anyone else could’ve directed this movie.

The bad news for everyone is that it’s still pretty bad.

“The Last Airbender” is based on the popular Nickelodeon animated series “Avatar: The Last Airbender” (they didn’t want to use the “Avatar” part in the title for obvious reasons).

I’ve only gotten glimpses at the animated series, so I won’t join the fans of the show who are complaining about how Shyamalan changed certain characterizations or how Prince Zuko’s scar isn’t quite right because I just don’t care about that stuff. I’m also not going to get into the controversy that sprung up when Shyamalan cast white actors for the lead roles in a movie with Asian themes and characters.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for diversity in casting. I also believe that Asian actors should’ve been afforded the same opportunity to suck in this movie as much as the white actors did.

(I guess I lied – the trademark wooden acting from Shyamalan’s previous work DID show up in “Airbender”, so it’s not TOTALLY indistinguishable from his recent work.)

Ok, so maybe I’m being a bit harsh. Noah Ringer actually fits quite nicely into the heroic/bland mold established by the superior, epic fantasy stories (“Star Wars”, “Harry Potter”, etc.) that have come before “Airbender.” Ringer is Aang, the only person left in the world who can manipulate/bend air and the latest in a succession of Avatars, who can control all four elements.

Aang disappeared for 100 years and is discovered by Katara (Nicola Peltz) and Sokka (“Eclipse” MVP Jackson Rathbone), two members of the Water Nation, which is presently locked in a war with the world-domination-seeking Fire Nation.

The most impressive thing about the movie (other than the admittedly cool special effects and an appealing performance by Shaun Toub as Prince Zuko’s Uncle Iroh) is how each bender has to do a martial arts/dance combo to conjure up their power. I like that they don’t just “have” magic powers – they have to work for them a little bit.

Unfortunately, almost everything else is a borderline disaster.

Rathbone is stuck trying to (painfully) do comic relief, but he got more laughs in the “Twilight” series by just standing there with his ridiculous hair.

I’ve never seen or heard of Nicola Peltz before this movie, and I hope I never do again because she’s absolutely terrible. Her awful performance is doubly vexing because her pivotal role involves her inspiring and pushing our hero. On top of that, since the screenplay (you guessed it – written by Shyamalan) is a muddled, confused mess, we have to rely on Katara’s narration to tell us what’s going on in her deadly monotone. (Hey, how about that? Now Sokka is in love! Thanks for telling me instead of showing me, movie.)

Then we have Dev Patel (aka, the “Slumdog Millionaire” kid) as Prince Zuko, who I’m guessing is supposed to be some sort of tragic, Anakin Skywalker-esque anti-hero. Zuko has been exiled from the Fire Nation by his father and seeks to reclaim his honor by capturing Aang. The only problem is that Patel whines and overacts his way through so much of the movie’s first half that you’re pretty much done with him by the time his character gets some depth.

Should I keep going? How about the fact that one of the main antagonists – Commander Zhao – is a total joke? I mean, he’s REALLY a joke as in he’s played by comedian Aasif Mandvi (best known for his work on “The Daily Show”). I don’t know what’s weirder – that Shyamalan cast a comic actor as the villain but did NOT let him cut loose or that Mandvi still managed to deliver one of the movie’s better performances?

I could go on and on, but this feels like a good place to stop.

It’s not all bad news. The movie - intended as the first of a trilogy – is doing well at the box office. More importantly, it seems to be connecting with its young target audience, judging by the applause from all the kids at the showing I attended.

Unfortunately for me, I’m not 10 years old.

The Last Airbender…D+

Predators Review

There’s some pretty stiff competition for the title (that I’ve just made up) of “Unlikeliest Summer Movie Action Hero of 2010.”

By my completely arbitrary count, Jaden Smith took an early lead with “The Kung Fu Kid” (I know what it’s actually called, and I choose to ignore it), and Michael Cera might have the last say when “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World” comes out next month.

However, the leader in the clubhouse right now is Adrien Brody in “Predators.”

Obviously, Brody is a really good, Oscar-winning actor who has dabbled in action before, most notably in 2005’s “King Kong.” Still, seeing Brody looking like a jacked-up junior Sylvester Stallone and leading a team of elite miscreants is a VERY far cry from this.

Brody plays Royce (and this is SO the type of movie where characters only go by one name), who gets dropped from a plane and into the middle of a strange jungle along with seven other undesirables.

Eventually, the group finds itself hunted by the deadly, dreadlock-y creatures we know as Predators.

There really isn’t a lot more to the movie — and that’s exactly how it should be.

“Predators” plays like a horror movie where the actors with higher billing (with one notable exception) survive until the end. The movie also smartly sticks close to the formula — jungle setting, rag-tag group, an unlimited amount of ammo — that made the original “Predator” an action classic 23 years ago. In fact, the movie appears to directly follow “Predator” and “Predator 2”, while ignoring the events of the “Alien vs. Predator” movies, which is perfectly ok with me because no Predator (or Alien) movie should ever be PG-13, and the best thing to come out of “AVP” is the tagline, “Whoever wins, we lose.”

Though it’s definitely jarring to see Brody in action-hero mode, the actor eventually inhabits his character (who doesn’t give a damn about anyone else and is perfectly willing to lose some people to gain a strategic advantage) well enough that you stop thinking about it.

It also helps that the movie is never boring, thanks to director Nimrod (snicker) Antal, who keeps things moving at an appropriately brisk pace once the characters have been introduced and the action kicks in. (If the first 20 minutes of the movie were always going to be everyone walking around wondering where they are and what’s going on, the commercials probably shouldn’t have repeatedly shown Brody saying, “This planet is a game preserve — and we’re the game.”)

As you can probably guess, there isn’t much to these (cardboard) characters. Alice Braga probably fairs the worst as the most sympathetic member of the bunch (she’s a woman, so she MUST be compassionate, right?) Walton Goggins (“The Shield”, “Justified”) keeps his streak of playing rednecks alive with a lively turn and giving us much of the comic relief. The rest is provided by Topher Grace, as the one member of the team who doesn’t quite seem to belong. (Maybe he should’ve buffed up like Brody so he would fit in more.)

Finally, there’s Laurence Fishburne who is both amusing and wildly miscast as he performs his best Marlon Brando-in-“Apocalypse Now” impersonation.

The gold standard for action/sci-fi sequels that merely added an “s” to the original’s title is “Aliens.” “Predators” isn’t anywhere near that good, but it’s still an entertaining summer flick that zips right along and doesn’t take itself seriously.

Predators…B

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Review

It’s a LOT easier to make fun of the “Twilight” movies than it is to admit that you actually (kinda?) enjoy them.

I mean, where do you even start with the mockery? The hair (several characters fighting for the title of “Worst Wig”), the makeup (aren’t the Cullens supposed to be, at least somewhat, passing themselves off as human — not some sort of golden-eyed, Aryan super race), the special effects (sometimes the wolves look like they’re four feet tall and other times they look like they’re eight feet tall)?

And I haven’t even brought up secondary stuff like “writing” and “acting.”

Still, there’s an undeniably melodramatic/throwback quality that I find fascinating. The story and the style used in these movies remind me of the black and white flicks they used to show on AMC (before they started airing stuff like “Superman Returns”) when I was growing up. Yeah, I know those old movies were considered “classics”, but I still found some of the acting to be hilariously bad and made fun of it. Whether it was actually bad or not, that’s just how most movies WERE back then.

And that’s how the “Twilight” movies are now — except that all the old-timey acting and storytelling is happening in 2010 and in a contemporary setting.

I’m not going to dive too much into the great debates surrounding the “Twilight” series. (Such as, is Edward super-romantic or a creepy stalker who watches you while you sleep? Is Bella a whiny, wishy-washy protagonist or does the fact that she has two guys fighting over her and actual battles waged to defend her mean that she has all the power.) I haven’t read any of the books, so just I don’t have enough knowledge of the story to intelligently argue the point either way.

Instead, how about I just talk about “Eclipse”?

The third movie in the “Twilight” saga finds the vampiric Cullens forming an uneasy alliance with their wolf pack natural enemies to protect Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) from the vampire Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard taking over for Rachelle Lefevre), and her newly-created Army of newborns.

This also marks the breaking point for the Bella, Edward (Robert Pattinson), Jacob (Taylor Lautner) love triangle. But we’ll get to them in a bit.

First, I want to talk about some of the supporting cast, which can really make or break a would-be summer blockbuster. The one in “Eclipse” mostly shined (or sparkled).

I found it thoroughly amusing that Billy Burke always looked like he just rolled out of bed prior to any scene featuring him as Bella’s beleaguered father Charlie. Xavier Samuel was a fine, menacing addition as Riley, the leader of the newborn army. Bryce Dallas Howard, um, didn’t totally blow it stepping into Lefevre’s role, so that’s good. And, finally, it’s always fantastic to watch Dakota Fanning dominate people with her mind.

Arguably, the greatest improvement came from the expansion of the Cullen clan. Ashley Greene’s impish enthusiasm as Alice is always welcome and Kellan Lutz as Emmett got in his usual funny, flirty lines to Bella. However, we got honest-to-goodness back story on Jasper and Rosalie (but why not Emmet, Alice or Esme?).

Jackson Rathbone, in particular, stood out for more than his magnificently floppy hair for the first time in the movie series as Jasper. Turns out he’s kind of a badass.

Jasper trains the Cullens and the wolves for the climactic battle (which actually ends up being way too one-sided for my taste), and director David Slade (“30 Days of Night”) handles the action relatively well. (Except maybe for the part where vampires basically turn out to be ice sculptures.)

Of course, the main action for most fans involves the story’s heroine Bella, and the guys who angrily get in each other’s faces over her. In a related story, Bella is my ABSOLUTE least favorite thing about this franchise!

I don’t even know if I can slam Kristen Stewart’s acting because “Twilight” author Stephenie Meyer is quite involved with the movies, so I’m assuming she approves of this characterization. Still, having the hero of your story be weakly and ineffectually pout her way from one suitor to another is definitely not doing the actress any favors. Congratulations, Bella Swan — you’ve replaced Carrie Bradshaw as the Summer Movie Protagonist I Most Want To Throw My Shoe At.

How about those suitors though? Pattinson has a dashing air about him that mostly negates Edward Cullen’s more creepy tendencies. He also gets to be kinda funny (on purpose!) in this movie. (Like when he asked if Jacob owned a shirt.)

Speaking of Jacob, I have to applaud Lautner for being the one out of the three main cast members who actually appears to be enjoying himself. (“I AM hotter than you.”) The only problem is that, in “Eclipse”, Jacob has turned into an overly cocky, pushy (“I’m gonna fight for you until your heart stops beating.” Um, that’s sweet?) turbo-douche. It also doesn’t help that Jacob was simply never established as a viable suitor for Bella — she’s all about Edward.

Look, these movies are nowhere near perfect. However, instead of focusing on everything that’s wrong, I’d rather shine the light on the fact that it’s the most entertaining entry in the series. (Insert your own joke about how that’s like Danny DeVito bragging that he’s taller than Verne Troyer.)

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse…B-

Toy Story 3 Review

I’m kind of a huge “Toy Story” fan.

The original movie is on my desert island list that I’ve never actually bothered to put together. (It’s mostly because whenever I start thinking about what movies I’d want to have if I were stranded on a desert island, I start to wonder where I’d plug in a TV or DVD player and I get sidetracked the way this paragraph got sidetracked.)

I was a kid when “Toy Story” opened in 1995, so I can’t help but feel like I’ve somewhat grown up along with Andy, the story’s main human character. I’m also a person who once participated in an extended “Toy Story vs. Lion King” debate with my girlfriend. (Nobody else was around, but trust me — I won.)

What I’m trying to tell you is that I had MAJOR expectations for “Toy Story 3.” I was scared too. I was afraid after the phenomenal artistic and financial success of “Toy Story 2” that the people at Pixar had gone back to the well one too many times.

I’m ecstatic to report that “Toy Story 3” exceeded my incredibly high expectations.

Tom Hanks and Tim Allen are back as the voices of Woody and Buzz Lightyear, respectively. Woody and Buzz are still the leaders of Andy’s toys, who haven’t been played with nearly as often as Andy has gotten older and are in danger of being thrown out when Andy heads to college.

The group winds up in a day-care center run by Lotso, a drawlin’, gentlemanly hugging bear who smells like strawberries. Lotso shows Woody and Co. around the day care center and things appear to be too good to be true. (Suffice it to say, they are!)

I don’t want to give too much else away – I was completely delighted throughout the entire thing, and I’d hate to rob someone of that experience.

I will, however, lightly touch on what makes “Toy Story 3” such a terrific movie.

The best thing about the movie is that it’s for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl, a child or an adult, a longtime fan (like me) or someone who doesn’t enjoy animated flicks – there’s something here for you. The genius of the movie (and pretty much every Pixar production) is the way the creative team achieves that sort of mass appeal while still creating fully-realized, impressively-detailed characters.

It’s almost as if every character lives in his/her/its own world (the way, you know, people do) and they just happen to be happily colliding with each other in this story. That means Rex is still endearingly cowardly, Mr. Potato Head is still grouchy, Jesse the Cowgirl is still stung by being abandoned by her previous owners.

Of course, they’re all lead by Woody and Buzz. Hanks and Allen both do excellent, joyful work in returning to their familiar roles. Hanks, especially, shines in conveying Woody’s attachment to (and pending detachment from) Andy and from the rest of his friends. Woody’s selflessness in wanting to remain with his friends and wanting to be there for Andy make him even more heroic here than he was in each previous installment. Even the fact that all these toys want is “to be played with” (and to bring joy to a little kid) is inherently selfless.

That’d be all well and good, but the movie also excels in introducing a host of new characters. Lotso (Ned Beatty) Southern manners make him a disarmingly nasty villain. (He even gets a semi-faux melodramatic back story.) Michael Keaton is an absolute riot as a Ken doll henchman of Lotso’s, who has a complex about being a girls’ toy. (See what I mean about each character having their own issues?) I was also a big fan of the troupe of toys who take their playtime acting very seriously. Finally, I doubt I’ll see a freakier/funnier sight this summer than Big Baby, Lotso’s muscle.

Did I mention that “Toy Story 3” is also the funniest movie I’ve seen all year? Or that it features several downright exhilarating action set pieces? The movie opens with a wonderfully delirious fantasy sequence and its climax features an escape that rivals the plans in “Ocean’s Eleven” and “The Great Escape” in giddy complexity.

Also, the incredibly emotional last 30 minutes of the movie left me feeling like an absolute wreck. (But in a fantastic way.)

I obviously don’t want to get too much into the ending. I’ll just say that the movie’s conclusion is incredibly rewarding for any parent with grown children who wishes they were still little. For any young person about to realize they’ll never really be a kid again. For any person who became incredibly attached to something in their childhood.

That last message is especially poignant in these times, when kids are much more likely to attach themselves to the latest electronic device designed to allow them to act like grownups. The toys in “Toy Story” are as relentlessly old-fashioned as the idea of letting kids use their own imagination during play time.

“Toy Story 3”, in its story and in the execution of that story, reinforces the point that imagination is king.

Toy Story 3…A

Sex and the City 2 Review

“More like Sex and the Shitty!”

That was going to be the opening line to my review of “Sex and the City 2” before I actually saw the thing this past weekend. What?! The reviews were absolutely terrible. And don’t act like you’ve never made your mind up about a movie before you saw it.

After having watched the much-anticipated(?) sequel, I’ll be damned if I actually kind of enjoyed myself. (This review is brought to you by “Low Expectations.”)

Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristen Davis and Cynthia Nixon reprise their iconic roles in the sequel, which curiously takes the foursome out of New York City for most of the movie after Samantha (Cattrall) secures a vacation in Abu Dhabi for her friends. (“More like Sex and the Desert”?) Though I didn’t love the idea of leaving NYC — the city really was a character throughout most of the show — the sequel made enough improvements over the original movie for me to overlook that faux-pas.

My two biggest problems with the first flick were 1.) the four main characters spent way too much time apart (Samantha was in freakin’ L.A.!) and 2.) they forgot to make it funny. The sequel smartly remedies point #1 by whisking the four women away to a foreign country so that they’d have no choice but to hang out together. As for point #2 — I guess it’s up to you (and your tolerance of painful puns like “Lawrence of My Labia” and “Abu Dhabi Doo!”) to decide how funny the movie actually was, but at least they tried! (Seriously — those puns are guaranteed to make you audibly groan and shake your head.)

Unfortunately, the movie is not able to escape all the problems that plagued its predecessor — mainly the fact that there’s no reason for this thing to exist!

The TV series ended with all four of the women finding their happily ever after, so for there to be a movie writer/director Michael Patrick King had to work overtime to manufacture conflict (Big getting cold feet, Steve cheating on Miranda...which I still contend would NEVER happen.)

In the sequel, the main conflict comes from Carrie (Parker) overreacting to some bitchy comment a fan of hers made at a wedding, in regards to her and Big being alone with each other for the rest of their lives. Carrie flips out over the idea that she and Big are going to become a “boring old married couple” and winds up perilously close to being back in the arms of former beau Aiden (John Corbett). Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, but I found it EXTREMELY difficult to be on Carrie’s side in this conflict. I mean, basically she was annoyed that all Big wanted to do was stay at home and spend time with HER, while she wanted to go out clubbing with her friends.

Making your audience think that your protagonist is a moron isn’t usually the way to go.

The problems the rest of the gang face — Samantha vs. menopause, Charlotte struggling with motherhood and a bra-averse hot nanny, Miranda vs. a crappy box — aren’t exactly earth-shattering, but at least they’re a LOT less bratty than Carrie’s issues

Then again, the movie’s biggest problem is that Michael Patrick King really has no business writing or directing a feature film. I touched on the awful puns before, but King’s biggest problem is that he has absolutely no idea how to properly pace a movie, resulting in his second straight feature film that really shouldn't be two and a half hours long. I mean, did we really need to see the ladies walking across the desert in slow motion? Or Charlotte falling off a camel? Or watching the women perform “I Am Woman” in its entirety at a karaoke bar. Any sort of skilled editor could easily chop 45 minutes off this thing.

I was also disappointed to see the men in this flick — besides Chris Noth’s Mr. Big — get the short shrift. I get that it’s all about the ladies, but it’d be nice to get a little reminder as to why these women fell for these guys in the first place. It’s especially a shame because David Eigenberg (Steve) and Evan Handler (Harry) are extremely likable performers. Oh well, at least Raza Jeffrey (as Carrie’s personal butler) acquitted himself quite well.

Since I’ve already established that this movie really has no reason for existing, I would’ve liked to have seen more sequences that were balls-out bananas, like the wedding (or “gay wedding” as Big referred to it) between Stanford and Anthony early in the movie. The sight of Liza Minelli completely throwing herself into “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” was, for better or worse (mostly worse), one of the most mesmerizing visuals you’re going to get in any movie this year. (Or any other year.)

While I still don’t think anyone would confuse this for a good movie, I enjoyed myself because it took a couple of big swings. I also like that the story actually went for laughs this time around and reinforced the strong bond between the four main characters.

Sex and the City 2…C