Concert Review: Alicia Keys at the St. Pete Times Forum

So I was FINALLY able to surprise my girl Erica.

It certainly hasn't been for lack of trying. In April, just as we were moving in to our new apartment, I'd tried to surprise her with Avenue Q tickets, but she found out about the show when she was looking online for "Things to Do" in the Tampa area, and I'd told her not to make plans for the specific weekend of the show.

So I had to figure out a way to not have her find out about the tickets — Ticketmaster went haywire when I tried to change my billing address and tried to have the tickets (that's Erica's hand making a cameo, after my hand dropped out to take the photo) delivered to my job — and somehow get her to be dressed up for a musical concert of some sort (can't have her being over or underdressed to go to a concert).

I ended up telling her a friend of mine was playing with his band in downtown Tampa and, miraculously, this worked. Part of the reason was that she didn't ask too many questions (I had made up a name for the made-up band in my head in case she asked). Either way, I was happy to see her not figure out until we had set foot inside the St. Pete Times Forum May 24.

Our seats were in the first level — which worked out great because we were near enough to see the stage, but also at an elevated angle, unlike the people sitting at floor level — and we got to them just in time to see Jordin Sparks launch into her set.

She was pleasant enough. She started with "One Step at a Time", which I remember her singing during the "Idol" finale because of her atrocious dress, followed by "Tattoo", a few decent songs I didn't know and capped off "No Air" (she apologized to the crowd for not bringing Chris Brown with her. I find that I like Jordin a lot more now than I did when she was on the show. She was solid and impressive vocally, though she tended to get drowned out at the start of songs (sounded like the tech guys had to keep correcting that problem). Her set had little frills though, and, though I know she's young and has a bubbly personality, I could've done without her mentioning her digital platinum sales for "No Air", which she sang in a pleasantly silly performance.

Up next was Ne-Yo, who I'm not too familiar with. Still, I was thoroughly impressed by his stylish set, which had a clear, if trite storyline — boy sings about meeting scantily-clad backup dancer, boy sings about falling for scantily-clad backup dancer, boy sings about catching scantily-clad backup dancer cheating, boy sings about reasserting his independence.

Nevertheless, Ne-Yo put on an entertaining and engaging set, even if I couldn't understand what the hell he was singing about most of the time, and he was heavily relying on a backing track because he was dancing so much. Still, the guy's got charm and undeniable star power. I'd be even more excited about his prospects if R&B weren't mostly dead.

Alicia Keys took to the stage around 9:30 and did NOT disappoint. I mean, even the video with Cedric the Entertainer as a preacher telling Alicia to find "the starmaker" got a few genuine laughs out of me.

I already thought that she was an immensely talented artist from listening to her records, but she's even better live. Her show incorporated a few backup singers and dancers in mostly organic ways (she wasn't relying on them as much as Ne-Yo) allowing the headliner to shine.

For the "As I Am" tour, the centerpiece of the stage is a big monitor that broadcasts Keys in colorful psychedelic colors as well as providing other eye-catching graphics.

Her vaunted piano makes also makes a stylish entrance, and Keys does indeed spend a good amount of time playing (though she was just showing off when she was laying on the piano and playing the thing backwards). I was also glad to see she didn't spend the entire evening chained to the piano as she got up and danced around for a good portion of the time.

She ran through pretty much every song you'd want to hear her sing (I didn't hear her cover anyone else), saving "Fallin'" and "No One" for the end. People inexplicably started walking out after "No One", despite the fact that she hadn't played "If I Ain't Got You" yet. Those same people stopped in their tracks and sang along when she came back out for her encore.

I'm not a musician by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm amazed at how Keyes (and other belters) can go out, give 200% and deliver fierce vocals night after night. She's definitely one of the most impressive artists I've seen live in my (admittedly limited) experience.

Though the higher levels of the St. Pete Times Forum weren't filled at all, the people who WERE there absolutely got their money's worth.

Ok, now I have to go and figure out how I'm possibly going to surprise Erica next time.

Jordin Sparks...B-
Ne-Yo...B
Alicia Keys...A

Overall...A-

Lost: Moving Day

Last year's season finale — with the heroic actions of Charlie and its blowing flash-forward twist — is my favorite episode of "Lost" and one of the best episodes of any television show I've ever seen in my life.

This year's season finale was probably better.

Season 3's "Through the Looking Glass" still has the number 1 spot in my heart, but the season 4 ender, "There's No Place Like Home (Parts 2 and 3) truly had it all. There was plenty of action (explosions! Keamy vs. Sayid!), suspense, (I'll admit to only two moments where I was totally creeped out) emotion (I'll only admit to crying twice alone on my sofa). There were also plenty of revelations (how the Oceanic 6 came to be the ones who got away), as well as the required deaths you expect from a season finale.

Since I love "Through the Looking Glass" so much, you probably guessed that I was thoroughly delighted to see this year's finale pick up RIGHT where that one left off. Seriously, the way it was edited was great — I let out a chuckle when Kate's car came to a screeching halt and she came back to chew Jack and his "Milk-was-a-bad-choice" beard out.

From this exchange we learned it's actually been three years since the Oceanic Six had left the Island (I hadn't realized it had been THAT long) and that they'd been approached about returning to the Island by one Jeremy Bentham, the man in the coffin Jack (and no one else went to see last season. Having Kate steadfastly refused to return to the Island by bringing up the "horrible" things that had happened on their last day there was a brilliant way of setting up the action we were about to see.

That action included the Others temporarily putting aside their "we don't kill people" credo and easily taking care of Keamy's mercenaries (the Island whispers right before the attack served as their entrance music). Highlights from the sequence included Keamy kicking a grenade over to a fellow mercenary, and a hard-hitting hand-to-hand fight between Keamy and Sayid that disappointingly ended with Alpert shooting Keamy in the back (I was really hoping Sayid would kill him). Of course, this wouldn't be the last time we saw Keamy. Anyway, since Kate and Sayid helped free Ben, he let them go, much to their surprise.

Free Ben eventually dropped in on one of my favorite scenes in the episode, a "leadership stuff" conference about science and faith between Jack and Locke. Matthew Fox (starting to lose faith in his stance) and Terry O'Quinn (growing more confident) really brought it in this scene, where they discussed miracles. I'm especially impressed in O'Quinn's ability to make Locke sound completely crazy AND like he's making all the sense in the world at the same time. The only part of this scene I didn't care for was Locke saying, out of the blue, that Jack had to lie. It seemed like a lazy way by the writers to put the idea in Jack's head to concoct their cover story.

Ben soon arrived for a bit of welcome levity ("couldn't find the anthuriums?") and Jack, Sawyer and Hurley made their way back to the chopper to meet up with Kate, Sayid and Lapidus. I also liked the fact that, even when Locke appears to growing in confidence and accepting his role as the leader of the Island, he can still be a lost little boy.

Either way, Locke and Ben descended "deep" into the Orchid station, with Locke sitting through an informative orientation film (it'd been a while since we saw one of those) about Dharma's experiments with time traveling bunnies. As is the case with most of orientation tapes, this one turned out to be a major tease with the tape inexplicably rewinding before the experiment could be carried out.

That was the least of their worries when bulletproof-vest-wearing Keamy showed up looking for Ben again. (Apparently, Keamy IS an avid botanist and knows exactly what anthuriums look like). He also revealed what many had suspected — he'd wired the explosives on the freighter to go off if his heart stopped. When Keamy "died" the first time, I thought the Island/freighter time difference had kept the bomb from going off — it just turned out he was alive. But that didn't stop Ben from killing him (for real this time) with little regard for the lives of the people on the freighter (I believe his exact word was, "So?") This is the space where I give Kevin Durand props for adeptly playing a cruel, meathead mercenary.

Locke was visibly upset over Ben dooming the freighter people and I must've been distracted too, because it didn't occur to me until today that Locke may have just been able to remove the monitor from Keamy and put it on himself. It could have worked. It was certainly worth a shot. It would've kept the freighter intact for three more years.

Speaking of the freighter, that's where Michael, Jin and Desmond spent a good part of the episode trying to choose between the blue and red wire and disarm the bomb. Michael had frozen the bomb to buy them time. The chopper with the survivors returned to the ticking time bomb of a freighter sans Sawyer — who'd jumped off to lighten the load of the gas depleted chopper and made me cry for the first time in the evening. It was more that it was such a touching gesture (he'd pretty much given up on getting with Kate after seeing her buddy up to Jack) than me actually thinking he was going to die. He's in good shape, so I figured he'd make it back ok.

Not making it back ok were Michael and Jin. Jin didn't make it back to the chopper after it had refueled. Meanwhile, Michael appeared to fulfill his commitment to the Island (and earned redemption?) after a visit from the whispers and Christian Shephard, who said "You can go now." *boom*. While I thought the scene was unbelievably cool (Christian's appearance spooked the hell out of me), I was generally let down by the reappearance of Michael this season.

Don't get me wrong, Harold Perrineau did a very good job (though I'd say he was underused), but I feel Michael's freighter/redemption storyline was a bit of a let down. I mean, let me get this straight: the Island's purpose for Michael was to have him infiltrate the freighter so he could — not be able to stop the mercenaries from wreaking havoc and force Jacob to have the Island move (supposedly a last resort). I mean, I guess you can say Michael sort of helped his friends get rescued — though it would've been nice if one of those had been his BEST friend, Jin. Also, don't ask me why, but I'm clinging to the idea Jin's still alive. (He DID swim ashore at the end of Season 1 after Michael's raft got blasted).

The only other minor complaint I have about the episode (and the season in general) was the lack of Juliet. She was one of my two favorite characters last year, and this year she didn't get to do much and the episode in which she WAS showcased was the worst of the season. I DID think it was perfect she and Sawyer would end up together in the end before the Island was moved, since they'd been spurned by Jack and Kate, respectively. Please have these two interact next year, but don't make them an item — to me, that's a bit obvious.

Speaking of the Island move, it finally came when Ben blasted a wall behind the time machine, put on a parka and descended to the frigid depths of somewhere to turn the big wheel and move the Island (it was a lot more low-tech than I thought). Ben was moving the Island himself because the person who does the deed has to leave the Island. That left Locke (and his creepy little smile) as the leader of the Others. It also explained how Ben ended up in the Tunisian desert with that gash in his arm in "The Shape of Things to Come." If you remember, there were also polar bears discovered in that Tunisian desert. I know I'm reaching, but maybe they (who would have no problem with the chilly temperature) were somehow trained to work that massive wheel once upon a time so the Island could be moved without having a person be expelled.

The Island apparently descending into the ocean was a pretty cool special effect, despite Jack's denial about the event. Their helicopter (still low on gas) crashed in the ocean and the show messed with us by making us think Desmond (not one of the Oceanic Six) was going to die. Later that night, they saw a boat in the distance (very reminiscent of the season 1 finale with Michael's raft). This time they were friendly and it turned out that, unlike Charlie's watery message from last year, it WAS Penny's boat. (Penny and Desmond's reunion was the second scene of the evening that made me tear up, in case you're scoring at home.)

It was during the scene on Penny's boat that Jack came up with the cover story — something about the people on the Island being presumed dead and the importance of keeping it that way, so eeevil Widmore doesn't send more mercenaries. To be honest, I still didn't follow it 100 %.

What I DID like was the setup for next season, with Jack and (surprise) Ben somehow having to convince everyone (including Desmond?) to come back to the Island (though I suspect Ben has his own selfish reasons for getting back and is just using everyone else).

That trip back to the Island will include the dead body of Locke, who was referring to himself as Jeremy Bentham (someone smarter than me needs to figure THAT one out) and trying to convince everyone (including a startlingly adolescent Walt) to come back.

That's going to be tricky since Sayid (his hair looking silkier since he has access to hair products outside the Island) has taken crazy Hurley (sorry, but I thought "Checkmate, Mr. Eko" was a bit over-the-top) to a "safe" place that's not the Island.

It's also going to be a chore to convince Kate to come along, especially after a terrifying dream visit from Claire who was pretty emphatic in that she not bring Aaron back. Is it just me or is Claire A LOT more interesting now that she's a pseudo-ghost.

Meanwhile, we're not exactly sure what Sun is up to, as she reached out to Widmore. Is she really trying to form an alliance with him and, if so, why?

This was an excellent finale in that it wrapped up the main storyline it presented in its premiere — who are the Oceanic 6, and why did those particular six people get away — left some provocative questions to be answered at a later date and set the stage for next season. What's terrific about this show is that, WAY back in the beginning, you figured it would be over once they were rescued. Well, the survivors have been rescued — and there are still two seasons left to go.

Can't wait to see what happens.

So what'd you think of this finale? Did it live up to past "Lost" season finales? Where's the raft Faraday was piloting? Was I the only one who thought something bad was going to happen when Sawyer was cutting Lapidus free? Why did Miles and Charlotte (who was apparently born on the Island) refuse to leave? Why did everyone refuse to say Locke's name in the future (other than keeping the viewers guessing, of course)? Finally, where (or when) did the Island go?

Hell's Kitchen: Failure to Communicate

Sure, I lit into Chef Ramsay and the producers of this show a few weeks ago when they made the obviously ratings-driven decision to keep clueless, incompetent Matt over slow-moving, low-key Shayna (in my opinion, they could've also fired equally clueless and incompetent Roseann).

Still, after a few extra weeks of Matt the Eagle, (I've just decided to combine Matt's name with his Muppet twin's) with his eyebrows and the best facial reaction shots in the business, I'm glad they kept him around. This season ceased being any sort of legitimate cooking competition long ago, and decided to be pure entertainment and Matt the Eagle (Meagle?) certainly delivers in that department. And to be honest, I'm having trouble remembering ANYTHING about Shayna at this point.

But as watchable as Matt's been — let's hope he doesn't give this show up to become a used car salesman as Corey suggested — I have to say that last night was the Louross (pictured, right) show.

After some griping by the men and Matt, Chef Ramsay introduced the remaining seven chefs to this week's challenge, which was actually pretty cool. Each team would have to create three entrees with each chef having six minutes to cook and communicate what they'd done before the next stepped in.

Since the blue team had four people to the red team's three, it was decided (by Jen) that Louross would sit out. Jen's bossiness would become a major factor in this episode, and it specifically seemed to upset Bobby and Louross. I can understand why Bobby is confused since, as a general, there's no way anyone can be ranked above him. Louross, on the other hand, wondered "if I don't have talent, why am I still here?" Personally, it'd be a close call for me between having Louross and Petrozza sit out, but I'd probably have Louross sit out too, since he's choked on the big one the last few dinner services.

Speaking of choking on the big one, that's precisely what Jen ended up doing. Louross could barely contain the smile on his face when it turned out that Jen had overcooked the eggs and undercooked the scallops on the first entrée and neglected to add the sauce she burned to the other two costing the team a victory (though, to be fair, Louross could've just been laughing at Matt's running). Jen didn't earn herself any favors with her team (or anyone in America) by saying "I'm not going to say 'I'm sorry.'" Why the hell not? Your team lost because of you!

Louross probably stopped smiling when Ramsay told the blue team they'd be cleaning up the outside of the restaurant, while the red team went to the beach. I'm not going to go as far as saying the contest was rigged (I definitely thought Jen's dry, sauceless entrees deserved to lose), but you just know the show would rather have Corey, Christina and Matt (for comedy's sake) at the beach than the likes of Bobby (ew), Petrozza (double ew!) and Jen (gagging).

That being said, the segment was disappointingly low on gratuitous bikini shots (the wet suits were the opposite of gratuitous) or Ramsay making fun of Matt's weight, as he attempted to "hang loose" on a surfboard. The best (and weirdest) part came when Ramsay picked up Jean-Philippe and tossed him in the water. Not really sure what the hell that was about, but I wish those two could just get their own sitcom ("This fall, on Fox: Gordon Ramsay and Jean-Philippe in — 'Maitre D'..'").

Back at "Hell's Kitchen", Louross, simply put, lost his damn mind. He was stumbling around with his cleaning suit over his head, while General Bobby and Jen fought for supremacy of the blue team. Honestly, if I had to choose between those two as my leader, I'd go with none of the above. Ok, if you had a gun to my head I'd go with Bobby (who looks and sounds like a slightly more functional Bubba from "Forrest Gump") over Jen because she's just awful.

Before the evening's dinner service, Ramsay tore up the menu and challenged each team to come up with its own, leading to a resurfacing of the fight for the blue team. Actually, it wasn't much of a fight as Jen dominated the proceedings and filled her menu with stuff Matt and his funky palate would've approved of (zucchini-wrapped halibut? Really Jen?) Meanwhile, the now-insane Louross let out the following quote "No one listens to the Filipino boy, so I'm not gonna waste my breath", which was good enough for my second favorite quote of the evening.

On the red side, the ladies got along so well on their menu that Matt (obviously oblivious to C & C's eyerolling) wanted to open a restaurant with his teammates. He was one step away from looking at apartments online for the three of them.

Ramsay approved of the red team's menu, and mercifully vetoed Jen's, I mean, the blue team's menu, and giving Bobby, Louross and Petrozza the chance to add more prudent dishes like salmon and filet mignon.

The red team got off to a brutal start right off the bat as Matt constantly screwed up the appetizer Christina had conceived. The fact that he may or may not have sweated into the pasta didn't make things much better. Meanwhile, though the blue team got their appetizers away, Louross just wasn't able to properly cook a filet mignon (and his exasperated acting skills didn't win over Chef Ramsay).

Matt and Louross continued to struggle. A red-faced Corey tried to motivate pouty Matt by yelling "cook like a normal person" (my favorite quote of the night!), and eventually pushed him out of the way completely in favor of efficiently running the kitchen with Christina. Louross, on the other hand, recovered too late as his customers walked out and threatened to throw a filet mignon at someone. Fortunately, Jen started messing up the dessert to pick up the slack for the blue team.

In the end, the blue team were declared the losers (again) with Petrozza (or 'Trezzie as Christina called him) being called best of the worst. He rightly nominated Jen and Louross for elimination and was, once again, put in an impossible situation when Ramsay asked him who he should let go. Petrozza (who's turned out to be a decent guy) made the right call and said Louross, so the toilet-brush topped mini-chef left Hell's Kitchen. To be fair, I think Ramsay would've fired Louross even if Petrozza had said Jen should be let go. While I won't miss his no-mance with Corey, I WILL miss the way Louross got really ghetto when he was agitated, and I loved Ramsay's narration: "He wasn't short on talent. He was just short...on talent."

When Ramsay called Matt to the firing lane and asked him and Jen to take off their jackets, I actually allowed myself to stupidly believe he was letting them go to, ala the mass firing of a whole team on "The Apprentice" a few years ago. It turned out he was just sending Matt back to the blue team (I hope he can get the deposit back for that apartment) and Jen to the blue team (I was incredibly disappointed the camera didn't cut to Jen saying her now-usual "F---").

So what'd you think of this episode? Is there any question Matt the Eagle is this season's MVP? Is there any way in hell('s kitchen) he would actually win? Would you buy a used-car from him? Finally, can anything stop a Corey/Christina final two?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Review

After a 19-year absence, Indiana Jones — with his familiar fedora, bull whip and John Williams theme — is back, though not quite better than ever.

I've been a huge Indiana Jones fan since I saw "The Last Crusade" when I was about eight years old (though I have to question my mom's judgment in not covering my eyes during the "He chose poorly" rapid aging death of one of the bad guys). I recently watched (and gently forced my girlfriend Erica to watch) the first three movies in the trilogy, laughed at the aforementioned death scene and got excited about Indiana Jones all over again.

And I have to say the new film is mostly a pleasant mixed bag (I say "pleasant" because "mixed bag" usually has a negative connotation).

Art wisely imitates life as the new film picks up nearly 20 years following the events of "The Last Crusade." In 1957, Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr. (Harrison Ford) becomes involved in a Soviet plan — led by a severe and not-so-vaguely dominatrix-looking Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) to find the mysterious artifact du jour, the titular crystal skulls.

On his journey, Indiana teams up with a young greaser named Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) and the two travel to South America to save Mutt's mother and find the skulls.

Let's get right to what I liked about it. At age 65, Harrison Ford is still a completely credible action hero. Except for his opening scene where I felt he was "acting" like Indiana Jones (or even John Wayne) a bit too much, Ford comfortably and easily slipped back into the persona of, arguably, his most beloved character. The fit was good enough to almost make me forget he probably mostly agreed to be in this movie because he hasn't had a hit since "What Lies Beneath" in 2000.

The rest of the cast is a bit more up and down. I LOVE the way Cate Blanchett completely immersed herself in her character. I admire that she appears to throw herself into a silly movie like this as much as she does something like "I'm Not There." However, I felt her character could've been just a little more badass. Meanwhile, Shia LaBeouf compensates for the fact that he's totally miscast (really? Shia LaBeouf as a greaser?) because he's a good actor and has solid chemistry with Ford. Finally, I personally got a kick out of seeing Neil Flynn (the Janitor from "Scrubs") show up out of nowhere. As an FBI agent!

As a fan, I also appreciated the nods to the previous movies. There were subtle touches, but I especially enjoyed the more overt tributes to the late Denholm Elliot (clumsy dean Marcus Brody) and the apparently-retired Sean Connery (Henry Jones Sr.).

Still, the main event is the direction of Steven Spielberg who, probably more than any other director, still has the ability to stage exciting and clever action sequences. An early sequence involving an atomic bomb explosion is impressive and a motorcycle chase with Ford and LaBeouf is funny and exciting. Of course, it turns out to be an appetizer for a show-stopping jungle chase involving a couple of jeeps, waterfalls and murderous ants (yeah, you read that right), though I could've done without Mutt's silly Tarzan moment.

Though Spielberg and co-creator George Lucas smartly ditched the Nazis and set the film in the 1950s with appropriate and appropriate storyline antagonists (Cold War Russians), I found this to be, by far, the least engaging of the Indiana Jones movies plot-wise. I just didn't care about the Crystal Skulls and, to be honest, I couldn't really follow what was going on every time Indy stopped to explain it to us (though it's possible that could be a result of me spacing out).

Most importantly, I don't really feel like this movie really brought anything new to the table. Of course, it's perfectly fine if Spielberg, Ford and company are perfectly content with taking a victory lap (and making a TON of cash in the process). Still, when this group (ESPECIALLY Spielberg) makes a movie, I tend to expect a little more than a glorified reunion.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't even like this movie as much as I liked another "part four" from a long-dormant franchise — "Live Free or Die Hard." Yeah, I know it's a ridiculous movie and people can (legitimately) say it's not a "real" Die Hard movie with its "jet planes vs. trucks" and PG-13 rating, but at least it took chances.

Though I like that the movie didn't simply try to be a retread of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (which was sort of the case with "The Last Crusade") and tried to go in a slightly different direction (though not as wildly different as "Temple of Doom"), "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" ultimately feels like a solid, but safe effort.

Then again, I guess we should just be glad they didn't TOTALLY screw it up.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull...C+

Hell's Kitchen: Everybody's a Critic

For the second week in a row an irritating, delusional chef switch teams and exacted delusional and illogical revenge on their former team.

Jen (pictured, right) and her switch from the red team to the blue squad turned out to be the dominant storyline of the evening despite Fox desperately wanting us to believe that one of the chefs had sliced one of their hands off and that it was about to be served to a food critic. Although it was painfully obvious that Matt's finger tip was never going to be anywhere near the food critic (in fact, they happened about 40 minutes apart in TV time), I still say "Boo!" to the ad department for their pathetically misleading commercial.

Anyway, the show continued where it stopped continuing last week — with Ramsay asking for a volunteer from the women's team (Matt included) to switch over to the perennial hopeless losers (aka the men). Corey, who still thinks she's on Survivor, attempted to manipulate formerly-strong/confidence-shaken/always-annoying Jen into joining the blue team. Jen figured out Corey's plan, but still went over to the other team. Um, wha?! Jen rationalized this by saying "red was safe", but I compared it to those instances where the Coyote would figure out how the Road Runner had outsmarted him, but still ended up being blown up or falling off a cliff.

This week's challenge had each team coming up with four dishes by using the same 20 ingredients. Each team had to use all their ingredients, but were only allowed to do so once.

While the red team was instantly more organized (no fair, they had a pen!), the blue team scrambled for the same materials and ended up not communicating. In the end, General Bobby decided to ditch the veal (I probably would've done the same too), so Jen insisted that Louross incorporate it with his red snapper and make a surf and turf. With the veal cooked, Louross decided to maintain the integrity of his dish and refused to incorporate the veal into his dish. He also refused to lie (at Jen's insistence) and say his dish had been rendered in veal fat. This made for an unprecedented second week in a row where I could use the word "integrity" in a "Hell's Kitchen" recap (after Petrozza's classy move last week.)

I'm not going to lie though — if I were Louross and I realized that I'm competing in somewhat of a sham of a reality show, I would've thrown that veal on there. Still, I (unlike Jen, who would go on to curse him out, make him cry and otherwise intimidate him) respected his stance.

So, of course, it came down to Louross' "Surf and –" vs. Roseann's dish. Ramsay stamped a big ol' F for failure on the blue team and awarded the red team the challenge victory, which was the annual photo shoot. Honestly, do the women ever NOT win this reward? The biggest surprise from this week's challenge was that Ramsay didn't throw up after tasting Matt's dish.

So the women went for their reward, Corey and Roseann cleaned up surprisingly well, and Chef Ramsay took a cheap shot at Matt's weight. Good times, overall.

Meanwhile, the blue team was left behind to wash laundry by hand and be verbally abused by Jen. Say what you will about Sam the Eagle — at least he was happy and optimistic about switching teams. If Jen was going to be such a pain in the ass and have such a shitty attitude, then why did she volunteer? My favorite part, of course, was Jean-Philippe dropping by to inexplicably taunt Jen while holding a crab. (What?!)

Dinner service rolled around and Ramsay announced two important food critics no one knows were going to be in the house and judging their performance.

Both teams aced their appetizers and got off to a fast start, but, suddenly, and without warning, the red team completely forgot how to cook. Matt became unable to slice three pieces of meat that were the same size. I LOVED Matt saying "all right, everyone, let's pick it up", getting stony silence from everyone else, and adding "especially me!" Eventually, Christina took some of the pressure off him by burning the salmon, while reliably-awful Roseann came to both their rescues by running out of carrot puree and gnocchi. After Matt undercooked, then burned a few more steaks, Ramsay booted the red team out of the kitchen (though he refused to "Shut-tit-down!") and have the blue team finish up.

While the blue team completely dominated (Ramsay tried to create drama by jumping on Petrozza for slicing a steak too early), Jen's "ecstatic" reaction to the red team's misfortune was almost as annoying as Matt the Eagle's smug and openly delighted reaction to the men (and Ben) losing without him. While I definitely think the women miss Jen more than the men miss Matt, it's still irritating to watch such mediocre "chefs" celebrate such insignificant "victories" with so much gusto.

I actually feel a little embarrassed that I called Jen a front-runner earlier this season. With sexist Jason long gone, she's been the most annoying person on this show by a solid margin for a good while. If I can be a little racist for a second, I don't see how someone out of the reality show school of overbearing, crass, overly sassy/cocky big black women could EVER run one of Ramsay's restaurants. I'd barely let her run a Wendy's. It's just disappointing to see someone who actually appears to be a talented cook (though, I don't know that her dishes are "always flawless") conduct herself in such a way.

Anyway, Corey was named best of the worst and (finally, correctly) nominated Matt and Roseann for elimination. That didn't stop Ramsay from calling out Christina adding her to the chopping block. After he sent Roseann back to the line, my girl Erica and I looked at each other in disbelief. Of course, it turned out that he wanted to fake us out and (rightly) sent Roseann home to be with her daughter, run out of food and burn everything in sight. I'm not sure why he decided to torture Christina. I didn't think she was THAT bad last night. Maybe Ramsay will make her his new Ben?

So what'd you think of this episode? Do you think the red team really suffered because they lost Jen? Why hasn't Ramsay called anyone a "donkey" in a few weeks? Isn't it annoying how Corey tries to mimic Ramsay by adding "yeah" at the end of a command when she gives an order? Finally, who would you put in your final two right now? (I'd say, I'd probably trust Petrozza and Christina the most to not burn down my kitchen.)

Dancing with the Stars: Quick Thoughts on the Finale

I still can't decide who is worse — Penn Jillette or Monica Seles. (Wait, I just decided — it's Monica Seles.)

Usher's "Yeah" (second dance in that link) remix HAD to be the hot mess of the night. It was sort of terrible, sort of compelling (especially watching him sing live only approximately 35% of the song), and sort of cool that he actually took the time to choreograph something specifically for the finals.

I said it before, and I'll say it again. Mario's mambo (second dance in that link)deserved a 30 the first time around, and it deserved a 30 last night. Also, Mario deserved a spot in the top 3 (sorry, Cristian).

What the hell is up with Shannon Elizabeth?

The "bromance" video package with Jason and Cristian was the funniest thing about last night.

The judges had already decided to give Kristi (and Jason) 30s before they started dancing. How else to completely disregard the fact that Kristi made a mistake Mario's mentor Stevie Wonder could've seen? So if the 30s were pre-planned, what was the point of building up their final dance and having them go again (other than to have Jason say "Kristi, it DOES feel good!"

Finally, I was wrong. Congrats Kristi!

American Idol: A Slight Lack of Imagine-ation

You know how they say that you're either a Beatles guy or an Elvis guy? Well, going into last night's "American Idol" finale, you pretty much knew who you wanted to win — you're either an Archuleta guy (or more, likely, teenage girl) or a David Cook guy.

Airjea[rrrawrearewavm[m!()! Sorry about that. That was me fighting to keep my column after they threatened to take it away for comparing the Beatles and Elvis to Archie and Cookie.

Either way, my point is that, despite the fact that the Season 7 finalists are probably the most evenly matched final two in the show's history (I have them slightly ahead of Ruben/Clay) and that both Davids brought their vocal A game (for mostly unimaginative song choices), there was really nothing either singer could do to persuade fans of the other to change their minds.

Anyway, let's jump right into Tuesday night's show, which opened with Michael "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" Buffer introducing the finalists. As soon as I saw him, I turned to my girl Erica and said "they'd better be wearing boxing robes." And they were! I thought it was a fun little way to relieve the tension the finalists HAD to be feeling as the show shifted to the yooge Nokia Theatre for the finale. After being asked to believe that David A. weighs 100lbs (I say that's generous, j/k), the two touched gloves, and the show went on to beat the boxing metaphor to the ground and making it unfunny. Seriously, I'm convinced that boxing analyst Jim Lampley was actually asked his opinion on an upcoming boxing match and had no idea his (generic) comments would be used on Idol.

Andrew Lloyd Webber (who apparently has a surprising amount of free time on his hands) and Clive Davis mentored the Davids. The first round consisted of songs selected by Davis. He chose "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" for Cook and "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" for Archuleta. The choices were ok, if a bit unspectacular and superficial — it's what any person who hasn't been watching the show would pick for "the rocker" and "the balladeer". Mostly though, my girl Erica had brought up the brilliant point that Davis should've switched the songs he gave each finalist thereby making it more interesting (Archie singing U2 and Cookie singing Elton!).

Despite the fact that each of them sang the hell out of their songs, I was a little too obsessed with the idea that they should've been singing each other's songs. While Simon awarded round 1 to Archuleta, I actually thought he sounded a little weird at times and did NOT agree at all with the assessment that it was his best performance this season. I'd say it was his most emotional and genuine (which I'll take over technical perfection), but I'd still give the edge in round 1 to Cook, who didn't feel the need to reinvent the wheel with the U2 song, but still sang it extremely well while still feeling every word.

I hope you don't mind if I sort of skip over Round 2 quickly, since it featured the truly awful selections from the songwriting competition.

Cook sang "Dream Big", a forgettable mid-tempo rock number that sounds like it belongs on the soundtrack to a romantic comedy starring Hilary Duff (I'm thinking "The Perfect Man"), while Archuleta sang "In This Moment", a cheesy ballad with laughably terrible lyrics. Both satisfied the requirement that a song in the American Idol finale have the words "dream", "moment" or "journey", and both Idols sang their songs reasonably well (though I'd give Archie a definite edge). Even Randy was at a loss for words, muttering "phonebook" and "comfort zone" as his "critique." Simon awarded the round to Archuleta because he felt that Archie's cheese-tastic was a better fit for what the show is about. (Simon didn't appear to realize that by saying this, he was insulting the show.)

The show wrapped up with a contestants choice song, and the Davids did a LOT better with their picks than last week. Well, David Cook did anyway.

I LOVED the fact that, not only did Cookie refuse to go greatest hits on us and sing something he'd performed before, but he chose a relatively low-key Collective Soul song ("The World I Know") and sang it absolutely beautifully. I respect that he chose to forgo the predictably bombastic song that you'd expect an Idol to sing for his last competitive performance on stage. I also completely disagree with Simon's suggestion that Cook should've revisited "Hello" or "Billie Jean" and I dug David Cook's explanation about how the show is a progression from him. I liked that Simon threw him a little wink as a way of sort of saying, "Thank you for standing up for me in a respectful way and not coming up as a whiny brat. I respect your stance."

Archie, as you may have heard, decided to revisit "Imagine", his defining moment this season. I thought this was a terrible idea before he even opened his mouth to sing. Nevermind the fact that he flat-out didn't sing the song as well as he did during the semifinal round — by repeating the same song again, the performance was, by definition, predictable, and it didn't have the same "wow" impact it had the first time he sang it. That didn't stop Simon from declaring the evening a "knockout" for David Archuleta. It also didn't stop me from groaning at another forced boxing analogy.

I really wished Archie had stepped out of his ballad comfort zone at least once during last night's final (and succeeded). In my opinion, David Cook displayed a greater combination of talent and artistry over the course of the season — which is why I (and my girl Erica) cast one vote each for him at 12:36 a.m. before we went to bed. (It was the second time I'd voted and the first since I helped Elliot Yamin outlast Chris Daughtry in Season 5.)

Then again, if Cook doesn't win, I'm not going to be crushed and I'm not going to complain. I think he'll probably be successful no matter what happens. In fact, if Simon's comments after the songwriting competition around are to be believed, Archie's probably a better fit for this show's crown anyway.

So what'd you think of the final episode? Does Michael Buffer have a 9-5 job in between random engagements when he's asked to say his catchphrase? Who do you think sang better last night? Most importantly, who do you think is going to win?

Finally, I'd like to take this moment to thank all my readers for joining me throughout this journey of mine. It's been like a dream! (Seriously though, thanks for reading!)

Dancing with the Stars: Perfect Timing

The "what the hell can we do" expressions on Jason Taylor and Cristian de la Fuente's faces as the show went to commercial following Kristi's freestyle said it all last night.

In what basically amounted to a coronation, Kristi Yamaguchi dominated when she had to (when viewers were voting for the last time) and seems poised to become the first woman since "Dancing with the Stars" first season.

To be honest, it really couldn't go to a more deserving dancer. Stacy Keibler, Mario Lopez, and Kristi Yamaguchi. That's my list of celebs on the show who could easily be mistaken for pros (though it's a bit alarming to note that neither Stacy nor Mario won the whole thing). To try and combat that, we had Kristi and her partner Mark Ballas mention the fact that a woman hasn't won in a long while about 17 times during their rehearsal package. We also had the judges (well, at least Carrie Ann and her "girl power) bring it up.

A little further down, I'm going to show you why it's not necessarily in the bag. (And, no — it's not simply because it would make my ridiculously early pick of Jason incorrect. Although I DO hate being wrong.) But first, let's talk about the, you know, dancing last night!

I loved the idea of having all three finalists dance the same style of dance (the cha cha cha) to the same song at the same time. Although, since this is allegedly a "ballroom dancing competition", I probably would've chosen a ballroom dance, I thought it was a brilliant idea that highlighted each of the finalists' differences. And by "highlighted each of the finalists' differences", I mean, "clearly showed us how much better Kristi is."

When the dancers determined the order they'd be cha cha cha'ing, I chuckled when Jason said he was glad he had to go second because "he could see where the bar was set — and he didn't have to follow Kristi."

Cristian started off the dance (set to a slightly creepy version of "Dancing on the Ceiling") strongly, showing great hip action and we saw how again how much his technique had improved since his injury. Jason followed and was, honestly, kind of a disaster. His arm just hung there, his hips weren't moving and it just wasn't good enough. If the show were still giving out anything lower than an 8, I would've given that dance a 7 (or a 6). Still, in an effort to at least give him a fighting chance of winning, the judges said they felt for Jason because the cha cha cha was clearly not his thing.

Too bad Jason's strategy backfired as Kristi came out like a house of fire and completely obliterated everything that came before her. It was brilliant, and that one minute of cha cha cha was probably my favorite performance from her this season. I also liked the bit at the end where they all came together (and Jason visible messed up), ending in that glorious lift with Jason and Cristian (and his one good arm) supporting Kristi (pictured, left). I love that these three really seem to get along.

Unfortunately, her freestyle was definitely NOT my favorite performance of hers from the season. Yes, it was INSANELY challenging, and mostly well executed, but I saw more than a few missed spots and instances when she was behind the rhythm. Also, as much as I love it when the show brings the crazy, this dance didn't make any sense to me (Mark's fake torso at the beginning really creeped me out). I also didn't get Mark's insistence on doing the backflip (with a little help from Julianne Hough in rehearsals). I mean, how exactly does that showcase Kristi? All that being said, compared to her competitors, I guess Kristi scored a 30 on her freestyle.

I actually enjoyed Jason and Edyta's freestyle just as much, if not more than Kristi's. Sure, it wasn't as technically impressive, but they had a solid (if predictable - hello, "Miami") theme that made sense, and Jason pulled it off quite nicely, even if his routine turned into "look how many lifts we can do." At least, they did them very well (better than Kristi and Mark). I also think Edyta ripping off Jason's shirt at the end was good for another 500,000 votes or so. It would've been nice if Samantha hadn't cut Jason off right as he started to respond to a question of hers backstage. It would've been even nicer if Len hadn't planted the image of him in a thong in our brains.

Cristian, on the other hand, virtually had no hope of keeping up with his competitors lift-wise. Still, his freestyle was solid (if a bit inevitably unspectacular), and I was mostly glad that his left arm didn't fall right off after he dramatically re-injured it in rehearsal. In the end, I was a bit disappointed in his dance — though Cristian is obviously limited, I expected Cheryl (who can definitely choreograph a freestyle) to come up with something better than recycled moves he's already done before.

My only complaint with last night's episode was that it was too short. Couldn't "The Bacherlorette" have waited another half an hour? Like I said earlier, I LOVED the idea of having the three couples dance to the same songs at the same time. However (although, I know they'll be dancing on Tuesday again), why build the final viewer-voted show in a "ballroom competition" around a Latin dance and a freestyle? It would've been perfect if the episode had been was comprised of a freestyle round and a group ballroom dance, in addition to the group cha cha cha.

As it stands now, Kristi appears like a virtual lock to take the trophy home. In fact, I was so curious about how much of a lock she was that I actually followed one of the show's prompts and visited ABC's Web site for an explanation of the voting procedure (scroll down to "The Procedure for Eliminating Couples"). To be honest, I've been watching this show for six seasons and I didn't really exactly how it works.

Here's a quick breakdown: for every couple they take the share they got out of the total points given by the judges on the night, and the share they got of the public's votes on the night and they add these two shares together. The couple with the lowest combined total is eliminated from the show.

So, the judges gave out a total of 163 points last night (Kristi's 60 + Cristian's 52 + Jason's 51). By using the skills I picked up in the one math class I took in college (the bare minimum for my major), Kristi got 37% of the vote (60/163), Crisian 32% and Jason 31%. The share of the public's vote will be added and suddenly Kristi's lead doesn't look so impressive. In fact, if, for example Jason got 40% of the public's vote, and Cristian and Kristi each got 30%, that would leave Kristi with 67% (30% public + 37% judges), Cristian with 62% (30% public + 32% from judges) and Jason as the winner with 71% (40% public + 31% judges).

A difference of only 10% in Jason's (or even Cristian's) favor in the viewer votes might give either of them the title! I felt a LOT better about Kristi's chances before I read the voting procedure.

In fact, because of this, I'm actually going to stick with my prediction of shirtless Jason Taylor taking the title home. What can I say? I'm incredibly stubborn (just ask my girl Erica). Also, until the most talented competitor on the show (or a woman) actually goes ahead and wins this thing, I can't feel good about saying it will happen (despite the fact that the show is kinda fixed, and they appear to want a woman to win). It'll be a damn shame if she loses, because Kristi really did make an effort to bring more personality to her dances toward the end of the season and she succeeded. Then again, if Kristi loses, then I'll be right, so things won't be all bad.

So what'd you think of this episode? What dances DO mix with six-foot, six-inch tall people? How did this year's freestyles compare to year's past? (At least no doll-like movements were simulated.) Where was the "girl power" last year, when Mel B. should've won? Do you think Cristian has a chance to win? Finally, who do you have winning the whole thing?

Also, thank you for reading my ridiculous thoughts on this ridiculous show, including this ridiculously long final column. See you again in the fall!

Desperate Housewives: Future Imperfect

See now THAT was a season finale!

Storylines were wrapped up and resolved, people were shot, babies were (dubiously) named, and cliffs were hung in a way that should make fans of the show more excited for its return in the fall than they have been the last couple of years. Most notably, flashes were forwarded as the show jumped five years into the future giving us a look at what's in store for the ladies (more on that later).

Let's jump right into the two-night extravaganza that was the "Desperate Housewives" season finale.

Things picked up right where they had been the last couple of weeks — with an alarming number of characters behaving very stupidly.

The most alarming of these nitwits has been Tom, who didn't come around on the whole "Kayla-is-evil" thing until his wife was thrown in jail. Sure, Lynette hasn't exactly earned that "World's Greatest Mom" mug (though I DID like the "buried treasure under the weeds trick — that's just smart parenting), but it should've taken Tom a lot sooner to come down on his wife's side. You know? The woman he's been with for more than a decade through (mostly) thick and thin? Especially when the choice is between your wife and a sadistic little girl he's known for about 20-something episodes.

Anyway, Tom finally stepped up, tricked Kayla into confessing and sent her away to live with her grandparents, who will probably be found dead in a few weeks. Seriously, that little girl needs to be taken out. Fortunately, that wasn't the only time Tom stepped up last night. His obvious other highlight came in the little speech he gave during Bob and Lee's commitment ceremony ice sculpture fight about how marriage is about making sure the person next to you in bed is worth all the crap that comes along with being married with kids. It was a good speech, but we've heard Tom (and Lynette) say similar stuff in the past, so this felt more like it was put in there so that we (and Lynette) liked Tom again for sure. Most importantly, we definitely found out that Lee is the girl in the couple.

Unfortunately, Bree had no change of heart regarding her feelings toward husband/stalker Orson during the finale. Honestly, the guy was even running into Bree at the nail salon, where he claimed he was getting a pedicure (where was THAT scene). To keep Orson away, Bree sought help from her (hilarious) reverend, who'd just return from North Korea, and, apparently, was hungry for a little Bree.

Loved the wonderfully uncomfortable scene where he tried to kiss her repeatedly in the car, though, now that I think of it, it was sort of rape-y (maybe she should've employed some of her shooting-range skills). I loved that the reverend and Orson got into a fight, with the older man laying Orson on his back trying to protect Bree's rep. One of my favorite lines of the night came after Orson offered to help with the commitment ceremony Bree now had to cater herself by saying (and I paraphrase) "how dare you use calligraphy to try to get back in my good graces when I'm at my lowest point?" (great delivery by Marcia Cross here). Still, no matter what Orson did (not even saving her wingless cherub sculpture), Bree couldn't forgive him for running over Mike. Nevermind the fact that Mike (the person who was run over!) already forgave Orson. So that made it all the more intriguing to see the two back together in five years (though the writers should realize that putting Andrew in a suit doesn't automatically make him look five years older).

Gabby, meanwhile, was still feeling a bit conflicted about turning in her friend/drug dealer Ellie. The pig of a cop/handyman didn't make Gabby feel any better about the decision as he planted a bug in Ellie's room. Unfortunately, Ellie came back in forcing Gabby to pretend she was having an affair with her handyman, making her the second housewife forced to lock lips with someone gross this week (see Bree and the reverend).

The scene were Carlos confronted her about the (non)affair was humorous in how non-chalantly Gabby was playing it. It also weirdly makes sense that the thing to convince Gabby to turn in her "friend" wasn't the fact that she's a drug dealer — it was the fact that she ratted her out about her (non)affair. Eventually, she helped her escape anyway (after Ellie talked about infidelity broke up her family) before tussling with her over a teddy bear full of money. Watching the two stuntwomen, I mean actresses, tumble into blind Carlos on the stairway was the physical comedy highlight of the night (watching Gabby try to hide the satchel full of money behind her back as the cops rushed in was second).

Unfortunately, Ellie has the misfortune of running right into the Mayfair/Davis/Romanian last name family drama and getting shot by Wayne as he held Katherine hostage. It was a busy episode for Wayne as he'd taken Katherine's not-quite-ex Adam hostage and nearly beaten him to death. Wayne wanted to know the truth about Dylan and, for the most part, the explanation (featuring Mary Alice in her yearly appearance) delivered. After Katherine (and her shorter hair) escaped Wayne's abusive grasp, Dylan accidentally killed herself trying to reach a doll her dad had brought her. Thinking the cops and Wayne wouldn't believe her, Katherine adopted a Romanian girl that looked just like Dylan and kept running away.

The only problem I have with this story is that it would've been a lot easier to just bury the kid and, if Wayne ever tracked them down, say that she gave her up for adoption or is out of the country or whatever. Then again, that doesn't make for good soapy drama, so I understand. Kudos also to Gary Cole for playing a truly scary, unlikable Dylan who just HAD to be killed (in fact, he was begging for it). It was also cool seeing the housewives rally around Katherine and accept her into their group after criticizing her for being aloof earlier in the hour. It also greatly enhanced last week's (silly) scene of the housewives uniting to banish Edie.

Finally, in the finale's more lighthearted subplot, Susan and Mike tried to settle on a name for their baby. Fortunately, the couple had the good sense to veto most of Mike's choices (Unitas, Mike? Really?!) before settling on Conner. That is before Mike (pictured, right) found out his grandfather died and this was the perfect opportunity to honor him by naming the kid Maynard.

Great job by the "Housewives" writers in coming up with a truly atrocious, irredeemable name. I mean, seriously, there's nothing you can do with that name. I also loved Lynette's line when she found out the baby was being named after Mike's deceased grandfather — "Was he beaten to death because his name was Maynard?" After some more shenanigans typical of Susan (secretly changing the baby's name? how could that NOT work?), she was (sort of) sold on Maynard after Mike's heartwarming story about what a great man his grandfather was. Well, that's all well and good, but the name still sucks! I'm sure it was fine in the 1920's, but it's not going to fly now. If Mike is desperate to honor his grandfather, then that can be the kid's middle name, right?

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like we'll know exactly how many times Maynard has been beaten in the playground, as there was no sign of Mike or Maynard in Susan's future. In the episode's biggest twist (yes, even bigger than Gabby becoming a non-makeup-wearing mom), Susan came home into the loving arms of a new man.

So what'd you think of the episode? Is the show back in top form? (I say "yes", and I say thank you to Dana Delaney, who should be edited into the show's stupid opening-credits graphic that currently has the four women holding apples.) Did Orson serve time in prison to get back into Bree's good graces (I say "yes" too.) How is Edie going to figure into the future? (Nicolette Sheridan WILL be back next year). What happened to Mike? Finally, what did you think of the flash forward twist?

Lost: Getting Their (Cover) Story Straight

Last night, "Lost" kicked off its two-part, three-hour season finale with a thoroughly entertaining hour that made me mostly forget that what I was really watching was a set-up for the final two hours on May 29.

This episode worked for me because it gave all the characters something to do. I know that's not always possible on this show (or even a good idea), but I like it when each of these interesting and complex characters get as much attention as the kooky Island dynamics.

The episode, part one of "There's No Place Like Home" (one of several references the show has made to "The Wizard of Oz") opened with the soon-to-be-famed Oceanic 6 being flown to safety by at least one jittery co-pilot. This was a nice little tense scene with Jack still in leader mode and making sure everyone had their story straight. Watching them somberly get their story straight made me even more excited for the finale in two weeks where we find out what happened on the Island that led to this specific group of people getting off. I was a little surprised to find that it's the most compelling question/mystery I've ever had about this show — I've wracked my brain and I just cannot envision a scenario in which not only everyone (especially Jack) is ok with leaving a significant number of people behind, but the Oceanic 6 seem determined to keep their insane-sounding Island survival experiences under wrap (and it can't be as simple as "they wouldn't believe us if we told them about the polar bear and Smoke Monster).

Anyway, the scene where each of the Oceanic 6 (except for sad, lonely Kate, Aaron and Sayid) reunited with their families was touching. I loved watching Hurley welcome Sayid into his group hug. I liked watching Sun dis her domineering dad. It was also good to see Jack's MILF, I mean mom again. Seriously, I just looked up the actress who played her, saw that it was 64-year-old Veronica Hamel of "Hill Street Blues", felt a little creeped out that I was checking out a 64 year old, but now I'm moving on, because I still think she was pretty hot.

During a press conference, we finally got a more detailed look at the Oceanic 6's cover story, which involved landing in the ocean, spending 108 (as you know, the sum of Hurley's numbers) days in the island of Membata, before taking a raft to the island of Sunda and being discovered by fishermen (Was it the same raft Faraday was using to take people from the Island to the freighter? I guess they'd have to explain where they got a motorized raft.) The closest thing to a problem came when a reporter noted Kate would have to have been about six months pregnant when she got on the plane. It's interesting to note that this could easily be refuted, but it appears that this never becomes an issue since we've seen Kate is still free and living with Aaron.

In keeping with the "let's give everyone something to do" theme, the off-Island flashforwards gave us a peek into everyone's lives. Sayid was reunited (temporarily as we now know) with his love Nadia, while Sun channeled her inner badass by acquiring a controlling share of her father's company. He's one of the two people she blames for Jin's "death" (is she the other?)

Meanwhile, since he was already lying about everything else, Jack gave his father a generous eulogy during Christian's wake. Afterward, he learned from Claire's mom that Claire was his half-sister (and Aaron's his half-nephew?) I have to say, as much fun as some people (myself included) make fun of Matthew Fox's acting sometime, he really brought it last night during this scene. Watching the guilt over abandoning a heretofore unknown relative wash over his face was terrific.

Probably the most loaded segment featuring a member of the Oceanic 6 was Hurley's surprise birthday party. Not only did the Numbers re-enter his life via the odometer in the car he'll soon lead the police on during a high speed chase, but he also started hearing the mysterious Island whispers (I'm not buying that it was just the surprise party people in the next room). This segment served as effective foreshadowing that Hurley is going to be the first Oceanic 6 member to lose his marbles. Mostly though, I got a kick out of seeing Sayid at a party and him remarking, "Interesting choice of theme" for the island-themed party.

There was plenty happening on the Island in this episode too, but I'm not going to spend as much time talking about that, since I'm pretty sure the real fireworks on the Island will come in the season's final two hours.

Jack picked up the phone Lapidus had thrown to him from the helicopter and, thinking Sayid or Desmond had tossed it to him, listened in on a transmission which included mention of the Orchid station. That mention visibly made Faraday freak out, but no one noticed as Jack and Kate set off after the chopper.

A little while later, Jack and Kate ran into Miles (who I'd forgotten about) and Sawyer, leading to a nice little mini-reunion between the two rivals. I hadn't realized that Jack and Sawyer hadn't seen each other since the castaways split up into two camps in the season premiere, so watching Sawyer run into the jungle after Jack to look for the chopper and saying "You don't get to die alone" was pretty cool. I also liked seeing Sawyer's heart again, when he showed concern for Hurley's safety after Lapidus told them he had to fly them to safety before Keamy torched the Island.

Faraday found a way off the Island when Sayid arrived from the freighter on the motorized raft and warned everyone about Keamy's plan. While Sayid set off into the jungle with Kate, Faraday drove a group of people onto the freighter, including Jin and Sun (taking care of Aaron) who had an unexpected reunion with Michael (another guy I'd forgotten about). There was no time for a teary reunion or explanations as the people on the freighter found the C4 explosives, presumably the batch Michael thought he'd have to ignite and now probably connected to Keamy's weird arm device. To be honest, I'd kinda forgotten about those explosives. Apparently I have a crappy memory.

While all this was happening, Ben, Locke and Hurley were making their way to the Orchid station (apparently a greenhouse) where they could move the Island. It was during these scenes that the invaluable Michael Emerson fired off two of my favorite lines (and winked at the audience) by telling Locke "How many times do I have to tell you, John. I always have a plan" and "I wasn't being entirely truthful before." Are there two quotes that better summarize this character?

In the end, Ben presumably told Locke how get in the Orchid and move the Island while he created a distraction by letting Keamy capture him and getting knocked out. Kate and Sayid were captured in the jungle by Alpert (who I DID actually remember because, um, he was on the show just last week) and the rest of the Others, who, we're assuming Ben had contacted with his mirror.

So heading into the season finale, we have the Oceanic 6 in four different locations: Sun and Aaron are in one place, Hurley's with Locke, Jack's with Sawyer, and Kate and Sayid are together. That's an excellent job of keeping us guessing as to how those six get together and come to be the group of people who leave the Island. Like I said, at the top, this was totally a set-up episode, and it certainly set up the season finale beautifully.

So what'd you think of this episode? Is "half-nephew" even a real term? What do you think is going to happen to the group of people on the freighter with the explosives? Why doesn't Faraday ever take off his tie? Why do you think that pilot was so nervous at the beginning? How old is the oldest person you ever checked out? Finally, what do you think is going to happen next week, assuming Locke successfully moves the Island?