Hell's Kitchen: Unhappy Birthday

As much as I've praised Chef Ramsay's decision-making abilities when it comes to "Hell's Kitchen" eliminations, I have to say — last night may have been the worst, most incomprehensible elimination I've seen in a long time.

His mind-blowingly bad decision almost made me forget about the fact that last week's previews for this episode teased the return of Waffle House Julia, I mean, a "new chef joining one of the teams", and pretty much failed to live up to the promise.

Still, the hour wasn't completely without merit thanks to the ongoing "I just smelled/tasted a fart" (or "I just s--- my pants", according to General Bobby) facial expressions of Matt and his bionic eyebrows. I'm not naïve and I realize that keeping Matt (pictured, left) around was a decision made by some Fox producer who thinks he makes good TV. He's wrong — Matt makes GREAT TV. That being said, I'll get into why Ramsay's choice at the end was such a disaster.

First, let's talk about the start of the episode, which opened with the familiar and soothing "F--- off!" from Ramsay as the would-be chefs went to bed. Of course, they never go straight to sleep, so instead Matt groaned about how no one listens to him, and Christina (again) went on some delusional rant about how strong of a player she is. Largely this was brought on by her delusional teammates who inexplicably see her as a major threat/unbearable teammate and tried to get rid of her for a second time. Again — what's the big deal about Christina? I don't get it.

The following morning, each team was given $100 and 25 minutes to come up with an appetizer and two entrees for a sweet 16 party for a family that wasn't quite loaded enough to appear on MTV's "My Super Sweet 16", but rich enough to rent out "Hell's Kitchen."

After (wisely) ignoring Matt again (sushi pizza on a tortilla Matt? Really?), the men came up with a chicken wing appetizer, as well as shrimp and filet mignon entrees (Matt mocked the selection of chicken wings as an appetizer). The women countered with a shrimp scampi appetizer, and halibut and flank steak entrees.

Right before the teams presented the dishes to the birthday girl and her predictably monstrous mom, Matt threw his team under the bus by mentioning he was the one person who'd been to a sweet 16 recently, and none of his input was used. I REALLY hope he has a 16-year-old daughter, because I don't want to picture Matt just trolling a Sweet 16.

The birthday girl picked the men's appetizer (she'd never had shrimp before?!) which once again goes to prove that anyone should just do the opposite of what Matt says. She chose the women's first entrée because she didn't like the asparagus in the men's dish (would've been nice if the men had been given SOME indication about likes/dislikes/allergies). She appeared ready to pick the red team's dish before her mother bullied, I mean, convinced her to take the filet mignon, giving the men the much-needed victory and a trip to ride around in go karts(?!)

Meanwhile, the losing red team had to hang around, decorate for the party, and endure a gay wedding planner cliché named Francisco that was played out in the mid-90s.

When the men got back, Louross and Corey (completely randomly) decided to do a little bonding. We learned the two had apparently become close, and Corey decided to try to entice Louross into the hot tub (to steal "secrets" as she did with sexist Jason?) Somehow, Louross was about to resist the advances of the exceedingly average looking Corey and walked away. It's ok though, because Corey yelled "I have a boyfriend."

Honestly, what the hell was the point of this, other than to make people throw up as if they'd just sampled one of Matt's dishes? I realize this is a TV show (on Fox) first and a competition second, but last night the producers went WAY out of their way to try to give us what they think we want and took the show from so bad it's good, to so bad, it went past good and back to bad again. If you're going to entice us with a hot-tub tryst, could we at least have it involve some fairly attractive people?

Anyway, on to the dinner service. Christina looked to be in trouble early as she botched the risotto a few times, but reliable Roseann was there to bail her out by spectacularly botching the birthday girl's steak a few times. On the men's side, Matt repeated messed up birthday mom's fish, leading to General Bobby stepping in, pushing Matt aside and getting the job done, leaving Matt with the "fart face."

The dinner service ended with birthday girl walking outside for a surprise she (and I) clearly expected to be a car, but instead turned out to be a sub Jonas Brothers "band" called "Pink Spiders." (That's what happens when mom doesn't spring for the MTV treatment.)

Since the men satisfied 98% of the customers and the women 99%, Ramsay neglected the difference and named both teams as winners. The laugh out loud moment of the night came when Matt goofily thanked Ramsay for his generosity followed by Ramsay's "F--- generosity!"

The men didn't even bother meeting as it was decided Matt would be nominated, while the women quickly settled on Roseann. Except Corey (as she tends to do), decided she wanted to get ride of Shayna instead, who'd been a little slow during service. Corey attributed this to Shayna being overweight while ignoring the fact that Shayna is probably the same size as Jen, who hasn't really struggled yet.

So the men put up Matt for elimination, and the women put up Shayna. Ramsay smelled a rat and asked Christina who she'd personally nominate, and she responded with Roseann. Things were looking promising here. Ramsay had said the only thing worse then Matt's overcooking birthday mom's fish was undercooking birthday girl's steak. It was the worst possible thing you could do. So of course, Shayna was eliminated. Huh?!

I get why he kept Matt. Matt is a terrible chef, but he (and his switch to the women's team makes for good TV) But, why the hell did he personally put up Roseann for elimination and point out that she did the worst thing you could possibly do by undercooking the guest of honor's food and then let her off the hook? It doesn't make any sense.

The only explanation is, of course, that Shayna was unfathomably boring. There was just nothing interesting about her. Again, I get that this is an entertaining TV show first, and a real cooking competition second and, in a weird way, that justifies him keeping Matt. However, it doesn't make ANY sense to keep Roseann over Shayna. None. Unless, he enjoys listening to Noo Yawk Roseann mangle the English language on a weekly basis.

Look, I know this show is the terrible, trashy cousin to "Top Chef." I enjoy watching this show and writing about it. I'm ok with the fact that it's entertainment first. However, if you're going to value entertainment value over quality, at least, TRY to have it make some sense. As I detailed above, this week's elimination made no sense at all.

Less non-sensical, logic-defying eliminations, and more Ramsay yelling at people. Don't make me have to switch over to the boring "Top Chef." (Yes, I said it. "Top Chef" is BOOOORRIIINGG.)

So what'd you think of this episode? Were you as disappointed as I clearly was? Finally, has there EVER been a more unattractive reality show cast? (I guess Christina's sort of attractive, and Ben has potential, but that's kind of it.)