American Idol: Byesha

So a high school student, an actress and a bartender walk into, um, a bar, and the bartender says to the, um, bartender, "Where have you been? We've been swamped all night!" He also tells the high school student to come back in eight years when he's 21.

Ok, that's not working. Let me try again.

So a high school student, an actress and a bartender walk into American Idol final 3 performance show, and the producers say, "We HAVE to make sure we get an all-David final, so let's saddle Syesha with the worst song ever performed on the 'Idol' stage."

Ok, that's not really funny either. Especially, if (like me) you're a Syesha fan and were rooting for her to bust up the unbiblical David vs. David matchup.

Not that I'm placing all the blame on the producers. Syesha (pictured, right) HAD to know she was a clear 3 going into last night's performance show. (And if she didn't know, Randy Jackson helpfully reminded her by saying "that's why you're 3" at one point.) As a result, Syesha needed to be unbelievable and significantly better than one or both of the Davids. Although I can (and will) make a case she CLEARLY won one of the three rounds last night, she didn't get the job done.

Each of the contestants sang three songs — one chosen by the judges, the producers and the contestants themselves.

The three opened with the judges' round in what turned out to be the highlight of the night.

Paula chose Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" for David A., who sang it beautifully with a spare arrangement that made it seem like he was singing acapella. Still, I agreed with Simon in that the choice was a bit predictable (not David's fault) and, as well as he sang it, I'm just completely tired of watching the same performance from him — sitting in the middle of the "Idol" stage, the camera coming in for a tight closeup as David lovingly closes his eyes and I start to think about what exercise I want to do the next day for my workout routine.

Randy chose Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You" for Syesha, who mostly nailed it (though my girl Erica astutely pointed out at least one botched note), but I agreed with Simon again in that the song is too closely associated with its original artist. I can see Randy's side in that this is probably the sort of thing she'd sing if she were a recording artist. Unfortunately, Syesha wasn't able to do much in the way of reinventing the tune so, instead, settled for more "at least you didn't embarrass yourself trying to sing this REALLY difficult song" praise.

David Cook ended the round with Simon's choice of Roberta Flack's "The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face." Though I can't say Cook outsang Archie (though Cook's strong vocals certainly weren't chopped liver), I liked his performance better because he achieved what the first two didn't — take a song and creatively rearrange it to their talents and make it sound fresh. I agreed that round 1 went to "Cook and Cowell" (this fall on Fox!)

Unfortunately, everything sort of went to hell in round 2 when the contestants were left to their own devices.

I'll get Cook out of the way first. I liked his choice of "Dare You to Move" when he announced it, but I really didn't like it when he was done singing. The opening verse (pushing his lower register) was kind of brutal, and, as a surprisingly sane Paula pointed out, the song ended right when it was getting strongest.

Syesha and David A's performances were more interesting to me. Archuleta took on Chris Brown's "With You", while Syesha went with "Fever".

You know the saying "it's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt"? Well in this case, it's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you can sing contemporary songs than open your mouth and remove all doubt. Syesha's vocals during "Fever" were very strong, and her performance was sexy, strong and the highlight of the contestants round. Unfortunately, it was also hopelessly contrived and cheesy (she should've lost the chair and just flirted with the standing bass player). David A, on the other hand, looked almost as uncomfortable "dancing" as Brooke White did about a month ago. Still, I LOVE that he tried to do something different, so I'm not going to kill him for what was otherwise a decent performance. I didn't even mind him saying "my boo" (like Randy did). It didn't sound dorky because he's white — it sounded dorky because David A. is a huge dork!

I thought the producers' round was pretty telling. By giving David Cook far and away the best song of the round, "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" (and a classy string section) it appeared as if their focus was shifting away from shamelessly pimping Archie to shamelessly pimping Cook. And for the most part, Cook delivered. Still, I don't really feel like he (or either of the other finalists, except maybe for Archie in "And So It Goes") delivered that unbelievable vocal you'd expect at such an important stage.

It wasn't just that Cook got the best song, but that David A. and Syesha got absolutely brutal songs. At least Archie's brutal song ("Longer" by Dan Fogelberg) was suited to his talents. And by talents, I mean sitting in the middle of the stage with in a chair with his eyes half-closed. I'd love to tell you more about his vocals, but I mentally checked out.

As for Syesha, the producers stuck her with "Hit Me Up" from the "Happy Feet" soundtrack. The "Happy Feet" soundtrack?! Really?! Was there nothing available from the "Shark Tale" soundtrack?! I mean, I liked that it was up-tempo. That's pretty much it. I mean, this is like a song Rihanna threw in the garbage. It was like the producers were saying, "Goodbye Syesha! See you on Broadway in some future revival of 'Dreamgirls' or something"

Anyway, that's the last impression the judges wanted us to have of Syesha. As I said earlier, I don't think she did enough to make up for the difference between her and the Davids, but, in my opinion, the producers made that task impossible after choosing such a terrible song.

I would've liked to have seen her in the finals against David Cook, but that's just not in the cards. (Although I DO get to use the "Byesha" headline I've been saving for the last 4 or 5 weeks.)

Despite what I may write in these columns, I don't have anything personal against David Archuleta. I just think it's kinda creepy to have a 17-year-old kid, who looks like he's 13 and speaks like he's 10 (listen next time Ryan Seacrest asks him a question), but has the musical taste of a 50 year old.

So what'd you think of this episode? Did you like the "Breakfast Club"-y archetypes assigned to each of the contestants at the start of the show? Did Syesha do enough to earn a spot in the final two? Finally, who do you have making it to the top and who do you WANT to make it to the top two?