Desperate Housewives: Future Imperfect

See now THAT was a season finale!

Storylines were wrapped up and resolved, people were shot, babies were (dubiously) named, and cliffs were hung in a way that should make fans of the show more excited for its return in the fall than they have been the last couple of years. Most notably, flashes were forwarded as the show jumped five years into the future giving us a look at what's in store for the ladies (more on that later).

Let's jump right into the two-night extravaganza that was the "Desperate Housewives" season finale.

Things picked up right where they had been the last couple of weeks — with an alarming number of characters behaving very stupidly.

The most alarming of these nitwits has been Tom, who didn't come around on the whole "Kayla-is-evil" thing until his wife was thrown in jail. Sure, Lynette hasn't exactly earned that "World's Greatest Mom" mug (though I DID like the "buried treasure under the weeds trick — that's just smart parenting), but it should've taken Tom a lot sooner to come down on his wife's side. You know? The woman he's been with for more than a decade through (mostly) thick and thin? Especially when the choice is between your wife and a sadistic little girl he's known for about 20-something episodes.

Anyway, Tom finally stepped up, tricked Kayla into confessing and sent her away to live with her grandparents, who will probably be found dead in a few weeks. Seriously, that little girl needs to be taken out. Fortunately, that wasn't the only time Tom stepped up last night. His obvious other highlight came in the little speech he gave during Bob and Lee's commitment ceremony ice sculpture fight about how marriage is about making sure the person next to you in bed is worth all the crap that comes along with being married with kids. It was a good speech, but we've heard Tom (and Lynette) say similar stuff in the past, so this felt more like it was put in there so that we (and Lynette) liked Tom again for sure. Most importantly, we definitely found out that Lee is the girl in the couple.

Unfortunately, Bree had no change of heart regarding her feelings toward husband/stalker Orson during the finale. Honestly, the guy was even running into Bree at the nail salon, where he claimed he was getting a pedicure (where was THAT scene). To keep Orson away, Bree sought help from her (hilarious) reverend, who'd just return from North Korea, and, apparently, was hungry for a little Bree.

Loved the wonderfully uncomfortable scene where he tried to kiss her repeatedly in the car, though, now that I think of it, it was sort of rape-y (maybe she should've employed some of her shooting-range skills). I loved that the reverend and Orson got into a fight, with the older man laying Orson on his back trying to protect Bree's rep. One of my favorite lines of the night came after Orson offered to help with the commitment ceremony Bree now had to cater herself by saying (and I paraphrase) "how dare you use calligraphy to try to get back in my good graces when I'm at my lowest point?" (great delivery by Marcia Cross here). Still, no matter what Orson did (not even saving her wingless cherub sculpture), Bree couldn't forgive him for running over Mike. Nevermind the fact that Mike (the person who was run over!) already forgave Orson. So that made it all the more intriguing to see the two back together in five years (though the writers should realize that putting Andrew in a suit doesn't automatically make him look five years older).

Gabby, meanwhile, was still feeling a bit conflicted about turning in her friend/drug dealer Ellie. The pig of a cop/handyman didn't make Gabby feel any better about the decision as he planted a bug in Ellie's room. Unfortunately, Ellie came back in forcing Gabby to pretend she was having an affair with her handyman, making her the second housewife forced to lock lips with someone gross this week (see Bree and the reverend).

The scene were Carlos confronted her about the (non)affair was humorous in how non-chalantly Gabby was playing it. It also weirdly makes sense that the thing to convince Gabby to turn in her "friend" wasn't the fact that she's a drug dealer — it was the fact that she ratted her out about her (non)affair. Eventually, she helped her escape anyway (after Ellie talked about infidelity broke up her family) before tussling with her over a teddy bear full of money. Watching the two stuntwomen, I mean actresses, tumble into blind Carlos on the stairway was the physical comedy highlight of the night (watching Gabby try to hide the satchel full of money behind her back as the cops rushed in was second).

Unfortunately, Ellie has the misfortune of running right into the Mayfair/Davis/Romanian last name family drama and getting shot by Wayne as he held Katherine hostage. It was a busy episode for Wayne as he'd taken Katherine's not-quite-ex Adam hostage and nearly beaten him to death. Wayne wanted to know the truth about Dylan and, for the most part, the explanation (featuring Mary Alice in her yearly appearance) delivered. After Katherine (and her shorter hair) escaped Wayne's abusive grasp, Dylan accidentally killed herself trying to reach a doll her dad had brought her. Thinking the cops and Wayne wouldn't believe her, Katherine adopted a Romanian girl that looked just like Dylan and kept running away.

The only problem I have with this story is that it would've been a lot easier to just bury the kid and, if Wayne ever tracked them down, say that she gave her up for adoption or is out of the country or whatever. Then again, that doesn't make for good soapy drama, so I understand. Kudos also to Gary Cole for playing a truly scary, unlikable Dylan who just HAD to be killed (in fact, he was begging for it). It was also cool seeing the housewives rally around Katherine and accept her into their group after criticizing her for being aloof earlier in the hour. It also greatly enhanced last week's (silly) scene of the housewives uniting to banish Edie.

Finally, in the finale's more lighthearted subplot, Susan and Mike tried to settle on a name for their baby. Fortunately, the couple had the good sense to veto most of Mike's choices (Unitas, Mike? Really?!) before settling on Conner. That is before Mike (pictured, right) found out his grandfather died and this was the perfect opportunity to honor him by naming the kid Maynard.

Great job by the "Housewives" writers in coming up with a truly atrocious, irredeemable name. I mean, seriously, there's nothing you can do with that name. I also loved Lynette's line when she found out the baby was being named after Mike's deceased grandfather — "Was he beaten to death because his name was Maynard?" After some more shenanigans typical of Susan (secretly changing the baby's name? how could that NOT work?), she was (sort of) sold on Maynard after Mike's heartwarming story about what a great man his grandfather was. Well, that's all well and good, but the name still sucks! I'm sure it was fine in the 1920's, but it's not going to fly now. If Mike is desperate to honor his grandfather, then that can be the kid's middle name, right?

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like we'll know exactly how many times Maynard has been beaten in the playground, as there was no sign of Mike or Maynard in Susan's future. In the episode's biggest twist (yes, even bigger than Gabby becoming a non-makeup-wearing mom), Susan came home into the loving arms of a new man.

So what'd you think of the episode? Is the show back in top form? (I say "yes", and I say thank you to Dana Delaney, who should be edited into the show's stupid opening-credits graphic that currently has the four women holding apples.) Did Orson serve time in prison to get back into Bree's good graces (I say "yes" too.) How is Edie going to figure into the future? (Nicolette Sheridan WILL be back next year). What happened to Mike? Finally, what did you think of the flash forward twist?