Desperate Housewives: Utter Nunsense

I pretty much completely panned the previous episode of “Desperate Housewives” because it was aggressively unfunny. (Sorry, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect laughs from a show that is billed as a comedy.)

This week’s installment almost couldn’t go anywhere but up.

But even with those lowered expectations, “Farewell Letter” managed to deliver both in the laugh department and with its forays into more serious territory.

Last week I said that the writers need to give Susan a new kidney as soon as possible because there’s absolutely no way to make dialysis funny. (I’m even getting tired of hearing the word “dialysis” on this show.) Well, god bless them, last nigh they tried.

After getting out of a speeding ticket because she was late for a dialysis appointment, Susan started using her condition to her benefit, including as an excuse to cut in line at the grocery store (no thanks to “Tom & Jerry” aficionado MJ). When Renee realized what Susan was up to, she convinced Susan to try to get them into an exclusive restaurant for lunch. (By the way, I guess Susan and Renee are best friends now. The show still has absolutely no idea what to do with Vanessa Williams, so I don’t blame them for using her to try and prop up Teri Hatcher’s disastrous storyline.)

A diabetic patron and with an arthritic wife angrily and amusingly complained (there was no Ebola in the house), and Susan was sent to back of the line, where she fainted followed by Renee frantically calling for an ambulance. So even when they go for laughs with Susan’s storyline, they end up at a not funny place. Can she please start stripping on the Internet again?

Fortunately, all the other Housewives fared much better. Well, all of them, except for poor Beth Young, who was booted out of her house after Paul finally confronted her about being his archnemesis’ daughter. Earlier in the episode, Paul had forced his son Zach into rehab, and Zach paid him back by telling Paul that he had shot him because he had wanted to see him die and that no one, including Paul’s ex and Zach’s mom Mary Alice, could ever love him. Paul repeated those words to Beth — someone who actually HAD fallen in love with him — as he threw her out.

The portrayal of Paul as a sort of tragic figure is interesting given that he began this season as a cartoonishly evil character. I don’t know that I believe the idea that Mary Alice never loved Paul — she killed herself because she was being blackmailed — so I don’t buy that he is thoroughly unlovable. Maybe he has some redemption in him before this season is out.

Also, is there any way that the person we saw shoot themselves in the promo for next week’s episode ISN’T Beth? (Paul did shove her gun back into her hand when he kicked her out.)

Beth may or may not meet her end next week, but the relationship between Bree and Keith DID come to its predictable end during this episode.

I commend the writers for doing it in a surprising way. I (and I think many others) assumed that Keith would break up with her because Bree kept the identity of his son a secret. (At worst, he seemed mildly annoyed.) Instead, Keith had fallen head over heels in love with Charlie, who had moved back to Florida with his life. Bree gave a great speech about how she’d fallen in and out of love several times, but had never fallen out of love with either of her children. (Not even Danielle?! Or Andrew at his worst?) Instead of moving to Florida with Keith, she broke up with him.

This relationship was clearly not built to last, but I think the writers did a good job of ending it in an organic way. (Even though Keith DID seem a little too gung-ho about Charlie…I guess visiting him three or four times a year was never going to be enough for him.)

Like Marcia Cross, Eva Longoria (not Parker) skillfully handled her potential downer of a storyline. Gabby’s therapist had encouraged her to travel to her hometown of Las Colinas, Texas and read a leader at the grave of her stepfather, who had molested her when she was little. (I also would’ve talked Carlos, who it turns out is not her chauffeur, into pissing on his grave while they were there.)

Unfortunately, her mission got sidetracked when she realized that she was a major celebrity in her dreaded hometown. Between print and phone interviews, and warning young girls of the dangers of math and science, Gabby came face to face with the nun she confided in years earlier, but who had called her a liar. I half expected another nun-tastic beat down, but instead Gabby strongly and bravely confronted the woman about her unforgivably passive role in her abuse. Probably the best mix of comedy and drama in the episode.

Meanwhile, Lynette’s storyline was definitely on the lighter side of things. After being woken up in the middle of the night so she could tell Preston (or Porter) where the eggs are (***SPOILER ALERT*** They’re in the refridgerator), she decided to make them an omelet herself. Instead, she found that the twins had a couple of lady friends over. The next morning, Tom and Lynette decided it was time for the twins to strike out on their own, which they did…all the way across the street to Mrs. McCluskey’s house.

At first, Mrs. McCluskey loved her new tenants because the girls they brought around stoked her husband Roy’s fire (double shudder), so she was happy to do their laundry and cook for them. (I don’t totally buy that Mrs. McCluskey would be such a pushover.) Fortunately, Lynette was there to sabotage them by bringing gifting the twins a keg, which led to the inevitable crazy party and their eviction. (I don’t believe they got their security deposit back.)

In the end, Lynette realized that she probably coddled the twins (and probably every one else in her life) by doing all their work for them, instead of letting them learn on their own. It was a realistic ending satisfying, realistic ending for the storyline, even if the twins still have to go and learn to not be such thoroughly useless adults.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there any hope for Teri Hatcher’s character? What would YOU have Vanessa Williams do on this show? Have we seen the last of Keith? Finally, can you make me a Denver omelet?

Desperate Housewives: What They Do For Their Kids

I just don’t know where any of this is going.

To say that most of the storylines on “Desperate Housewives” have taken unpredictable turns is an understatement. Unfortunately, I don’t mean that in a good, “I’m excited to be surprised” kind of way.

What I mean is that I don’t see how the situations involving Bree, Susan and Gabby can possibly end in a satisfying (or even funny) way. (And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the writers don’t seem to know what to do with Vanessa Williams’ Renee other than having the character provide a burst of bitch every once in a while.)

I’m perfectly aware the show has dramatic elements and that it’s basically a nighttime soap, but let’s not pretend that, at its heart, it’s anything other than a comedy.

Ok, never mind having the storylines end in a satisfying or funny way…can we at least have Susan’s kidney drama just END?!

I mean, here are the options for this storyline as I see them: Susan stays on the donor list for a few years — which is actually a relatively realistic scenario — but I don’t believe the show’s writers (or ANY show’s writers) can make dialysis funny. (I also don’t trust them to realistically and respectfully portray a person living with that condition.) The other option is a quick fix that has a kidney practically drop on Susan’s doorstep.

That’s why I was kind of hoping Susan would take Monroe the High School Stalker up on his offer.

Dave Foley played Monroe, an old friend of Susan’s from high school, and it was pretty clear as soon as he volunteered to give her his kidney that he wasn’t doing it out of the goodness of his heart. After a creepy hug and a shrine — featuring locks of hair, a retainer and an ill-gotten bikini pic — Susan was direct with Monroe and told him that she couldn’t accept any of his organs if he expected her affection in return. Maybe he wouldn’t been happy with Susan just accepting one of his dozen Facebook friend requests.

Then there’s Bree. Last time out I predicted that her hiding the existence of Keith’s son Charlie from him would be the end of that relationship.

Last night, Bree came clean to Keith after watching him bond with Charlie at an arcade where Bree was attempting to pay off Keith’s ex, Amber. We didn’t get to see the immediate fallout of Bree keeping Keith’s son a secret or if he has any feelings for Amber. Either way, it just seems that Bree and Keith are only together so that the writers can invent ways to try and tear them apart. (Her ex, his dad, their different tastes in food, etc.) Either break them up or at least give them a legitimate shot as a couple for at least a few episodes!

As for Gabby…well last night, we got a little more insight into why she became so fixated on Grace. Early on, she tried to sabotage her own therapy session by asking for wine and bragging about her misadventures with various members of the Rolling Stones. It was all so she could avoid talking about her childhood. After Carlos found out she was getting massage therapy when she was supposed to be seeing a psychologist, he gave her a couple of spanks and made her go. (I’ll admit to laughing out loud when she tried to sneak out the fire escape and he was standing there, even if the background looked hilariously fake.)

It was there that she admitted to him that she had been avoiding talking about how she was molested as a child by her stepfather. Ever since, she’s had a heightened desire to protect children, which explains her obsession with Grace. (Unfortunately, it doesn’t explain why she’s often a crappy mom to Juanita and Celia, but whatever.) Most importantly, child molestation is right up there with dialysis in bringing the laugh party to a screeching halt, so I’m not really sure why the writers would even go there.

At least they decided to have a little bit of fun with Lynette, who is usually the stick in the mud of the group. Her hilariously obnoxious/racist/sexist father-in-law Frank was back and as cantankerous as ever. He was demanding a family portrait so that he could rub it in his previous families’ faces. (Especially the ex-wife who stares angrily from across the cafeteria.) Unfortunately, he died as soon as Tom took the picture. Of course, the Scavos had to wait until the next day so that Lynette’s mom Stella could claim the inheritance.

I laughed at Penny asking if the house was going to be haunted, and I also laughed at Lynette messing with a jumpy Tom. What I didn’t fully understand is that last week Stella claimed she wasn’t ONLY marrying Frank for his money, and that she appreciated his companionship since Lynette wasn’t always around. This week, Stella was all about the money. More alarmingly, she began throwing so much of it around and blackmailing her family to the point where it looks like she was going to become just like Frank. Oh well. At least I can see this storyline going somewhere.

Finally, there’s Paul Young, who was looking for his “son” Zach to confront him about the fact that Zach shot him. Paul went to Mike (Zach’s biological dad) for help, but Mike lied and told him that he didn’t know where Zach was. It wasn’t until he saw Zach — who’d blown all his grandfather’s money and become a drug addict — that he enlisted Paul’s help to save the boy.

This would all be incredibly touching and interesting if I cared about Zach Young…even a little bit. But that’s just me. Sorry.

So what’d you think of this episode? When did Dave Foley get so fat? (He was so thin on “Newsradio”…and as a woman during his “Kids in the Hall” run.) Was Mike too busy helping Zach to help Susan deal with her stalker? (Or at least be present to help discourage the guy.) Finally, am I being too hard on this show, or has this season taken a turn for the worse ever since the riot?

Desperate Housewives: Frank Talk

I missed last Sunday’s episode of “Desperate Housewives” partly because of the Golden Globes, and mostly because of a “Rock Band” marathon with friends.

Since everything that needs to be said about this episode has already been said (assuming people still actually talk about this show), here are my quick hit thoughts:

- Not a great last few months for Eva Longoria (not Parker). First her husband (allegedly) cheats on her with a teammate’s less-attractive wife (among others), and now she has to pretend like she’s obsessed with a doll on her day job.

Fortunately, the show is acknowledging the ridiculousness of this storyline by having Mrs. McCluskey point out to Carlos that Gabby is cuckoo. Unfortunately, I still fully expect the emotional/ludicrous carjacking scene from the end of the episode to be the Clip of the Week on “The Soup.”

- Ok, I’ll admit it. I laughed out loud when I saw that doll in a car seat.

- Anyone else disappointed Mrs. McCluskey didn’t actually follow through and attend that tea party with Gabby and Princess Valerie before talking to Carlos. Also, $800 for a doll?!

- I feel like Gregory Itzin (the great Charles Logan on “24”) was both overqualified and misused on this show. His crotchety Dick blew Teri Hatcher’s Susan off the screen and, like his character, he was generally a downer. (Seeing his face light up when he thought he was getting a kidney was good work.)

- In a related story, this show officially has absolutely no idea what to do with Teri Hatcher.

- I’ve been wondering if Brian Austin Green was going to be part of this show for the long run. We got a resounding “Hell no!” last night, after former girlfriend Amber showed up with the news that Keith has a six-year-old son he doesn’t know about.

Whether it turns out to be Keith’s son or not (and we have no reason to believe it isn’t) is beside the point. What matters is that Bree decided to keep his son’s existence a secret out of fear of losing him. When (not if) Keith finds out, it’s going to be over. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Sorta.

- The show has been playing up this “Who Shot Paul Young?” angle, so who better to bring on as a guest star than Larry Hagman (pictured, left), the center of the iconic “Who Shot J.R.?” mystery which inspired the lesser, current storyline.

I’ll be damned if I didn’t laugh at Frank, his racist/inappropriate character, who Lynette’s mom Stella (Polly Bergen) was marrying for companionship after claiming she just wanted his money.

- I recent that remark about real men not eating salads. How dare you, sir?!

- The fact that Renee has been longing for a daughter all these years came out of nowhere (I guess she was pining for that when she wasn’t busy pining for Tom), but at least it gave Vanessa Williams her own storyline independent from the rest of the main cast.

Plus, she got two great moments when she told Bob and Lee that if their daughter ever called her “Old Auntie Renee” she would kick her, and when she made a kid riding on the sidewalk fall down just by glaring and putting up her hand after bragging about her maternal side.

- Ok, so we know that Paul knows that his wife Beth is Felicia’s daughter. Was his plan REALLY going to be to just take her out to a remote cabin and kill her? Really, Paul? You’re going to kill your wife WHILE the police are snooping around trying to figure out who shot you? You don’t think it’d be a little suspicious if your wife turned up dead. Come on, Paul! You’re better than that.

Thankfully, it looks like Paul recognized the gun the police showed him (that Beth found in Bree’s house) as the one that Mary Alice used to kill herself and was presumably in the possession of his son, Zach Young.

So what’d you think of this episode? Where exactly is this allegedly sketchy part of town that we haven’t really seen before? (I’m guessing Amber’s motel wasn’t too far from there.) Will Gabby see Princess Valerie again? (Will he ask for ransom?) Finally, so, um…what happened to the halfway house on the block?

Desperate Housewives: Liver Free or Die

When the “big” reveal at the end of your episode is the return of a seventh-tier character that no one missed, cared for, or would’ve recognized if you hadn’t panned to his picture…that’s when you know you’ve just seen a particularly terrible episode of “Desperate Housewives.”

(I paused my “Dexter” mini-marathon for this?!)

Sorry in advance if I come off as harsh, but this latest installment of “Desperate Housewives” was particularly unacceptable after last week’s encouraging episode. Basically, the show squandered any momentum it built up last week.

I’ll try to keep it short because I don’t want to waste your time the way this episode the time of anyone who watched it:

- As predicted, Lynette continued her inexplicably immature (and just downright inexplicable) punishment of Tom for his one-night affair with Renee 20 years ago by playing a series of pranks on him. Doug Savant’s gift for physical comedy helped sell some of this stuff (although that tumble down his steps could’ve killed Tom), but there was just no reason for any of this to be happening.

The only good part of this fiasco was the fact that Lynette and Tom seemed to patch this nonesense up by the end of the episode after they made the controversial decision to talk about it as adults, and after Tom reminded Lynette of the wonderful life they’d built together. (Cut to Penny almost eating a laxative-laced brownie.)

- I used to joke about Teri Hatcher pissing off the writers because of the more embarrassing storylines Susan has gotten over the years. Well whatever Teri Hatcher did to the writers, Eva Longoria Parker must’ve done something 10 times worse.

Not only has Gabrielle been portrayed as a relentlessly bad mother for much of this season (ignoring Juanita, conspiring to have Grace’s mother taken away by immigration officers before changing her mind), but now she’s saddled with a cold bastard of a husband and a crazy doll fixation.

Last night, Grace lookalike “Princess Valerie” (who can jump off cliffs = lol) was discovered and torn apart by Gabby’s daughters, who were the victims of another crazed rant. That outburst was almost as crazy (but much less weirdly endearing) than Gabby’s conversation with the woman from the doll store, who has her own special relationship with one of her dolls.

Overall, NOT a good year for Eva Longoria Parker.

- Speaking of Teri Hatcher, things aren’t really looking up in the “Kidney Now” front. Julie isn’t a match, but it was thought that maybe Susan’s mom Sophie (guest star Leslie Ann Warren, pictured, right) would step up to the plate. I’m guessing Susan’s Aunt Claire (Valerie Harper) was unofficially disqualified because the show established her as a major lush.

Sophie seemed weirdly unwilling to part with her liver, so we knew something was up. Eventually, Claire told Susan that Sophie is battling breast cancer and didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to belittle Susan’s current ailment. The scene between mother and daughter (great job by whoever cast Warren, since the two look freakishly alike) was touching, but it was frustrating to see a lack of forward momentum on a downer of a storyline that we know, in all likelihood, is probably going to be solved at some point.

- Remember how Orson declared his love for Bree for last week and announced that he wasn’t going to stop trying to get her back? Neither did the show.

Instead Bree’s energy was focused on pleasing her priest (I can’t remember if his name was Pastor Blackmail or Father Guilt Trip) by reaching out to Beth Young, the troubled woman with the troubled hairstyle. (According to Renee.)

That led to a disastrous get-together in which Beth found a gun (just like the one that shot her husband) under a pillow on Bree’s couch.

Beth accused the women of trying to frame her (since her fingerprints are now on the gun), the women accused Beth of planting the gun herself (to blame one of them), and everyone at home rolled their eyes because it was painfully obvious that the sketchy delivery guy is the one who planted it.

- That brings us to the return of Zach Young. Obviously, none of the stuff I said in the previous paragraph has been confirmed. However, I’m willing to bet fake Internet money that Zach is the one who shot his unpopular dad for reasons that are yet to be determined.

Then again, the show might REALLY surprise us and have Zach do something completely unrelated. (Remember, Mike is his biological dad, and Zach once stalked Gabrielle once upon a time.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you think Zach is the one who shot Paul Young? Do you care? Finally, what’s your doll’s story?

Desperate Housewives: Fool Fight!

That Susan Delfino can’t catch a break!

The new year is only a few days old, but things have only gotten worse for our most beleaguered Housewife, who had already been exiled from Wisteria Lane due to financial reasons and got her skinny stomach stomped on during that epic riot in the fall finale. We all know the show wasn’t going to kill Susan off, but she didn’t emerge from the riot unscathed.

As a result of getting trampled, one of her kidneys had to be removed leaving only her other, slacker kidney that only operates at 5 percent capacity. Instead of undergoing dialysis for the rest of her life, Susan vowed to undergo alternative treatments, much to the chagrin of Mike, who was back from Alaska. (More on him in a bit.) That was the plan, at least, until Susan collapsed into convulsions on the hospital floor after she tried to take MJ to the hospital cafeteria for ice cream.

Susan has had such ridiculously bad luck that me and my girlfriend couldn’t help but laugh out loud when she was spazzing out on the floor. (I don’t think that’s the reaction the show was going for.) Still, the scene that followed — where she asked her fellow Housewives to take care of her son in case she dies — was much more effective from a dramatic standpoint.

Of course, those other Housewives already have their hands pretty full if they were ever pressed into the service of raising MJ.

If I were Susan, I’m not really sure I would’ve asked Gabrielle to look after my son if I’d been watching her parenting the last couple of weeks. Juanita began seeing a therapist to help her cope with the fact that Gabrielle is obsessed with her biological daughter, Grace, at Juanita’s expense. The therapist suggested that Gabby and Carlos remove every trace of Grace’s existence in order for Juanita to feel more accepted.

Now, I’ve taken shots at Gabby’s horrible parenting over the weeks (and in the previous paragraph), but even I thought this seemed way harsh(, Tai). Why didn’t Carlos go along with Gabby’s idea to put all that stuff in a safety deposit box? Why wouldn’t that work? Isn’t removing all trace of Gabby’s biological daughter downright cruel? By the end of the episode, Gabby had returned to the doll shop she’d visited earlier in the hour and picked up a doll that looked just like Grace. That was a solid 9 on the “Creep-O” scale, and brings us right back to her being a terrible mother.

Bree, for her part, is already dealing with a pretty full house, so I don’t know how much time she’d be able to devote to MJ.

I didn’t watch the show last year, so I’m not really sure why he left Bree in the first place (or why he’s in a wheelchair), but he made his not-entirely-welcome return last night. Orson claimed that his girlfriend had kicked him out, but it turns out he’d left her to try to get back together with Bree. I don’t have very fond memories of Orson as a character, so I wasn’t particularly glad to see him back, but I have to admit it was fun seeing him stir the pot (which contained coq au vin). I would’ve liked to have seen Bree stand up for Keith a bit more, since Orson was openly being an ass to him, but (in a distinctly “Desperate Housewives”-y moment) she ended up rolling around with him in manure to prove her devotion. I’m still not sure if Brian Austin Green is going to be a part of this show for the long haul. Bree’s hesitation and lack of enthusiasm at his proposal says “no”, but her rolling around in steer manure says “yes.” (Also, “Eww.)

Lynette already has approximately 27 kids, so she couldn’t possibly want to take MJ on. Besides, she’s dealing with the revelation that Renee slept with Tom some 20 years earlier. (While they were on break, apparently.) I thought the show would drag this secret out a bit longer, but Renee’s conscience couldn’t bear it and she spilled the beans. Initially, Lynette responded how you’d expect her to (that icy stare she gave Renee was seriously scary), before devolving into totally unexpected behavior.

Apparently, to punish her husband for keeping that secret for 20 years, she’s decided to…play a bunch of practical jokes on him. Last night, she scalded him with hot coffee, and next week it looks like she switches the sugar for salt, and messes with his recliner. Huh?! I don’t really get it, but my best guess it that this is the show’s way of conveying that Tom and Renee’s “betrayal” is really no big deal.

Then again, maybe Mike would be just fine as a single dad. For most of the episode, the writers wanted us to believe that it was Mike who’d taken a shot and wounded (not killed Paul Young). Maybe Felicia Tilman offered the cash-strapped Mike some serious money, and he couldn’t refuse, so why not? By the end of the hour, Mike denied having anything to do with the shooting and I remembered that the writers wouldn’t wrap that mystery up so quickly. (Or dare to have Mike do something interesting.)

More importantly, Paul now knows that his bride Beth is Felicia’s daughter. I’m actually pretty intrigued with how complicated and twisted their relationship has gotten. Beth was sent to Paul as a spy on Felicia’s behalf, but ended up falling for the guy. Paul, despite stopping just short of raping his wife in order to get sex, eventually won her over and saw her as his only ally. Now that trust is betrayed, even though (unbeknownst to him) she has true feelings for him.

This isn’t going to end well.

So what’d you think of this episode? If the idea is that Juanita is fat because Gabby isn’t her real mother, then why is Celia also chunky? (Why wouldn’t she look more like Grace?) Why are Mike Delfino and Felicia Tilman even in touch? Finally, and most importantly…did MJ ever get his ice cream sandwich? Finally, any new guesses on who shot Paul Young?

Desperate Housewives: Laugh Riot

Whether it’s a plane crash, a tornado, a supermarket shooting or a nightclub fire, “Desperate Housewives” knows how to finish the calendar year with style.

I’m excited to announce that we can now add “Teri Hatcher getting her stomach trampled on” to that pantheon!

I joke, but the latest annual Wister Lane catastrophe was an impressively chaotic calamity. Most importantly, this year’s disaster — a violent riot — actually had strong thematic ties to the rest of the season. (As opposed to, say, that tornado that came out of nowhere.)

We’ve known all along that Paul Young’s plan was to destroy his former neighborhood. We learned recently just now he planned to do it: by snatching up almost enough property on Wisteria Lane to build a halfway house (and send the neighborhood’s value plummeting), Paul made everyone paranoid and suspicious that someone else would sell him their house and allow him to succeed.

That paranoia allowed Paul to trick Lee into selling him his house by convincing him that Frau Farbissina (whose character’s name is actually the no-less ridiculous “Mitzy Kinski”) had already done so. (It has NOT been a good couple of weeks for Lee.)

The general feeling of uneasiness also led Lynette to seek out the help of the nearby Hydrangea Circle Homeowners’ Association, an organization that was clearly put together just so they could intimidate and beat people up with baseball bats. They may not have started the riot — which took place as the mayor of Fairview was honoring Paul for his halfway house — but they certainly helped instigate it.

The turning point in the riot seemed to come after Lee was bopped in the head with a bottle as he was violently dragged out of his car. Lynette ran over and bellowed, “Stop it — HE’S MY NEIGHBOR!” in a heavy-handed way/significant way that only worked because Felicity Huffman is a great actress.

Lynette ran over to Lee’s aid after she tried to blame Paul for the riot. Paul coolly replied that he and his ex-con buddies weren’t the ones tearing apart the neighborhood.

I’m thoroughly enjoying how much Paul is thoroughly enjoying being evil this season. That’s why I’m hoping the bullet he took to his chest at the end of the episode wasn’t fatal. Also, I REALLY hope the show’s producers don’t try to turn “Who shot Paul Young?” into “Who shot J.R.?” (It’s not even as big as “Who shot Mr. Burns?”)

Of course, that’s just one of several mysteries heading into next year.

Another big question (besides, “Why is Mike putting boobs on a snowman?”) is what will Lynette do when she finds out Renee is still pining for her husband Tom? (Notice, I didn’t say “if” she finds out.) Last week, Renee drunkenly confessed her feelings to Susan, and this week Susan spilled the beans to Tom and suggested that he convince Renee to move out of the block.

Since Vanessa Williams just got to this party, we knew that wasn’t going to happen. She tried to confront Susan at the neighborhood rally, but the two eventually got separated when a mass of humanity carried Susan away, eventually leading her to get trampled. We all know Teri Hatcher’s not going anywhere, so it was hard to get invested into whether or not she was going to be alright.

I’m not so sure whether Juanita and Gabby are going to be all right.

Juanita discovered that the reason Gabby had been crying so often was because Grace is her biological daughter. Juanita had found a letter Gabby had written to Grace (at Lynette’s suggestion) shoved Gabby hard (do we think Madison de la Garza outweighs Eva Longoria Parker?) and temporarily ran away from home. She took refuge in Bob and Lee’s car, which was pretty much the worst place she could go seeing as how Lee was Public Enemy #1.

Gabby (and Carlos) quickly came to her rescue, but it’s hard to feel for Gabby at this point. She’s been a HORRIBLE mother lately, both to Grace (trying to have Carmen arrested last week before having a change of heart) and to Juanita (by ignoring her daughter in favor or her mini-me Grace).

Then again, the person who technically incited the riot was Bree, who fired a gunshot in the air to break up a fight between Keith, his dad, and the fools who’d mistaken Keith for a con. (That’s what he gets for wearing those wifebeaters all the time.)

Keith tried to propose again at the top of the episode, but Bree still wasn’t ready to commit. Instead, she suggested they move in together. Keith seemed ok with this until his evil dad (who wants Bree to himself) messed with his head and led the couple to breakup. Keith’s dad made his move later on after “saving” Bree from a convict who’d wandered into her home. (For the record, Keith’s dad’s advancements were no less creepy than the ex-cons.)

Things don’t look great for the long-term prospects of Bree and Keith (especially with Orson apparently popping back up), but that’s one of the issues we have to look forward to in 2011. Overall, I’m pretty happy with my decision to start watching this show again.

So what’d you think of this episode? Who do you think shot Paul Young? (Lee, who owns a gun, seems the obvious choice.) When do you think Grace will be back in the picture? Finally, how much do you think Juanita can bench press?

Desperate Housewives: Tomcat

Welcome to another one of my occasional “Desperate Housewives” recaps!

Ok, here’s the deal: I completely skipped the show last year, jumped back on-board this season and resumed recap duties. Unfortunately, I fell behind by a few episodes about a month ago.

Now — like a biological child you never knew you had or an old neighbor who’d been wrongfully-but-kinda-rightfully sent to prison — I’m back!

I’ve been enjoying this season. Sure, the show will never recapture its season 1 and 2 magic (and what show does?), but “Desperate Housewives” is still a soapily entertaining hour when you want to turn off your brain, enjoy a few one-liners and hang out with a saucy group of middle-aged women. (Which all rank among my favorite activities.)

In case you hadn’t guessed by last night, Paul Young laughably diabolical real estate scheme to destroy the property value of Wisteria Lane was officially revealed last night. I say “laughably diabolical” because it’s sort of a passive aggressive plan for someone who has committed murder in the past. (And for someone who stopped just short of bursting into a MWAHAHAHAHA evil laugh after triumphantly unveiling his plan to the neighborhood.)

Paul wants to build a halfway house on Wisteria Lane. The rest of the neighbors obviously don’t want a bunch of convicted felons on the block. (Unless they’re hot guys, like Mike — plus, imagine if they knew about the assorted misdeeds all these characters have committed over the years.) Anyway, Paul was soundly out-voted at a homeowners’ association meeting, until he revealed that he controlled seven votes thanks to all the houses he’s purchased.

Now, he only needs one more to get his way. To accomplish that, he offered to pay more than market value for the home of anyone in attendance. (The neighborhood’s going to be depreciating in value soon anyway, right?) This led to instant bickering among the neighbors (Frau Farbissina looked especially eager to sell), which explains Mary Alice’s tease from a few episodes ago about his Paul’s plan would turn neighbor against neighbor. I know it’s sort of silly, but I like how simple Paul’s plan is. (And I enjoy how cartoonishly Mark Moses plays his evil side.)

Another cartoon character on this show is Gabby. I think Eva Longoria Parker’s performance usually grounds her character’s inherent silliness and shallowness, but last night Gabby threatened to do the worst thing the character has ever done.

Carmen was about to take Grace to Texas, so Gabby actually went ahead and called immigration officers so she’d be taken away, and Gabby could keep her biological daughter Grace. Since Bob was right about Gabby burning in hell had she gone through with it, Gabby jumped in, pretended to be Carmen and momentarily saved the day. Unfortunately, for her, the end result was still Carmen and Grace hitting the road. It’d be easier for us to feel for Gabby if she weren’t acting like such a selfish mom, but I think we all know Grace will be back in the picture before the end of the season.

On the other hand, I’m not really sure if Brian Austin Green’s Keith is going to be around for the end of the season.

I’m not referring to the fact that his clingy, depressed dad (John Schneider) seems intent on stealing Bree from his son. I’m not even referring to the way Keith’s proposal was spectacularly botched thanks to his dad and guest star Cynthia Watros. (“Who ordered the shrimp cocktail with the tiny engagement ring?!”) I think the most telling sign that Bree and Keith aren’t built for the long term is the fact that Bree didn’t exactly seem overjoyed by Keith proposing during her conversation with his dad afterwards.

Tom and Lynette wound up at a much more realistic/relatable place than you’d expect, given that they started the episode naked in a nursery with Susan walking in on them. I actually really enjoyed how their story evolved last night, starting with that silly beginning and the revelation about Tom(my Tripod)’s enhanced package. Tom started hassling Lynette about the fact that she never talked him up to her friends (kinda immature) and that he was a joke in the neighborhood (a valid point). It all culminated with Lynette bragging about her husband in front of the neighbors. (My favorite was the one about the Washington Monument saying “I want to be you when I grow up.)

In the end we learned that the reason Lynette sort of emasculates Tom and doesn’t talk him up is because everyone else ALREADY thinks he’s the perfect husband, and Lynette doesn’t feel like she deserves him. It’s her weird/perverse way of keeping the two of them on the same level. It was a little strange, but perfectly understandable if you have any idea how couples actually work.

Tom was a hot topic of conversation on the block, since we learned that Renee considers him the love of her life and the one who got away.

To be honest, this was my biggest letdown of the night. I really liked having Renee and Susan hang out together for Renee’s birthday (Susan is the fun one compared to a mailbox). We had learned earlier this year that Tom and Lynette shared a secret from a long time ago. At the time, the obvious guess would be that they had slept together, but I was really hoping the show would have another surprise up its sleeve.

The lesson: don’t over think “Desperate Housewives.”

So what’d you think of this episode? When did Paul get his hands on seven houses? Who else is tougher than Tom? (Lee, Susan, MJ, etc.) Finally, yikes…is Susan really the “smart” one?

Desperate Housewives: Thanking the Little People

It’s a good thing that shadowy figure showed up towards the end of last night’s episode.

Four episodes in and we haven’t seen nearly enough development on most of the storylines established in the season premiere: we still have no idea what Paul’s plan is (just that it involves snatching up Wisteria Lane properties), Susan is still stripping for her supper with no end in sight, and Bree is still pining away for her handy man Keith. (Though judging from the previews for next week, it looks like she actually gets him.)

The most infuriating of these storylines has to be Paul Young, which is REALLY not good seeing as how he was set up as this year’s Big Bad.

Last night, Beth found out that Paul had purchased his old house (in addition living in the house their currently renting from Susan). He also not-so-subtly suggested to Mrs. McCluskey that she may want to get rid of her home because you never know when you could have an accident. (Shades of Dave Williams temporarily fooling Mrs. McCluskey into thinking she was senile and getting her sent to the hospital.) Later, zzzzz…wake me up when something new or interesting happens.

That’s why I was glad to see that faceless figure pick up the remnants of Susan’s billboard at the end of the episode. (Why would Susan tear it down, but not throw it away or hide it?!) It could be Paul, who could use this information in his diabolical plans. It could be Keith, who HAS to be hiding some sort of secret, no? It could be Mike, who becomes enraged with and feels betrayed by Susan and demands a divorce. Or it could be a random guy who hates litter.

Speaking of Susan, she felt like she had to get out of the domestic porn game after her landlord informed her that the Web site’s owners were expanding their U.S. presence. Of course, that meant billboards of Susan would be popping up all over town. Susan came up with the cash to prevent it from happening, but that put her back in the poor house and in a position where she’s seemingly going to have to do something she doesn’t want to do. (I’m assuming it involves more graphic nudity, as opposed to actual prostitution.)

Also, what’s all the fuss over Brian Austin Green? Obviously, I’m not exactly supposed to be his intended audience, but I’m not even talking looks. Keith isn’t THAT young (certainly not as young as John the Gardener), and, from what we saw in last night’s episode, he’s kind of a dim bulb.

The reason I’m asking is because if Bree and Renee are going to fight so deliciously over a man, the guy should be worth it.

Renee fired the first shot last night when she flew Bree’s daughter (welcome back, Danielle) and grandson into town just for the sole purpose of having the little tyke say “grandma” about 75 times in Bree’s presence. The gag itself wasn’t as funny as imagining Bree at a Black Eyed Peas concert.

After Bree found out what Renee’s weak spot was — little people(!) — she arranged to have a friend from church(?!) stop by and freak Renee out during her dinner date with Keith. My favorite thing about Renee’s freakout was that it was the first time I’ve watched Vanessa Williams on this show and NOT thought of her as Wilhelmina Slater. (Although a little Wilhelmina is just fine here and there — like when she thought Gabby was “Juanita.”)

By the end of the episode, the two had called a truce and Renee let Bree have Keith. I’m glad — this silly feud lasted exactly long enough without feeling tired.

Speaking of feeling tired (segue way!), I can totally understand why Penny was getting up in the middle of the night to feed her baby sister — Lynette WAS a much more pleasant and bearable character when she had help with the baby. Of course, she ended up inadvertently taking advantage of this, which landed her in the (world’s most judgmental) principal’s office.

Lynette asked Tom to hire a babysitter. I seem to remember them having a babysitter in season 1, and that not working out so well after Tom saw her naked by accident and got turned on. Then again, Lynette looks like she has more to deal with these days, so I’m sure she’ll welcome the extra help.

Finally, there was Gabby. She and Carlos tracked down the parents who have been raising her biological daughter and the two met up.

Big thumps up to the casting department for finding a little girl to play Grace, who looks and acts like Gabby’s mini-me. (And, to a lesser extent, for giving us portlier biological parents for Juanita.)

Gabby became instantly and strongly attached to Grace, and over-stepped her boundaries by wanting to give the girl a $1,400 hand bag. The mother balked, but Gabby found a way to give Grace — who reminds Gabby of herself when she was young and had nothing — an expensive trinket.

Eva Longoria Parker continues to be severely underrated for her ability to play a deeply shallow character, yet make us root for her. Grace is a sweetheart, and there’s already tension with her parents…I don’t see how this can possibly end well.

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s the ultimate endgame for Gabby and Carlos’ storyline? Is James Denton awake when he films his scenes? Finally, who do you think the faceless shadowy guy is?

Desperate Housewives: Reefer Madness

Three episodes seems like a decent amount of time — are you enjoying Vanessa Williams on “Desperate Housewives”?

I guess it comes down to whether or not you’re ok with the fact that Vanessa Williams is basically playing Wilhelmina Slater…but on a different ABC show.

Obviously, this isn’t the first (and it won’t be the last) example of an actor (especially a TV performer) carrying a successful persona over to a new project. Will Arnett is basically playing Gob Bluth on Fox’s “Running Wilde”, for example. As for Williams, I actually think she got a LOT less credit during her time on “Ugly Betty” for doing a lot of the same things Jane Lynch is currently doing on “Glee” with the comedic villain role.

So I guess you can say I’m pretty ok with the fact that Williams is basically playing Wilhelmina Slater on “Desperate Housewives” — for now. The character is still getting settled, and an instantly-recognizable persona can be a great benefit. Eventually, I’d like to see Williams get the chance to do something more unique than coast on the biting comedic timing she perfected at her previous job.

That timing served her well in Renee’s scenes with Bree last night. (Marcia Cross is a formidable actress in her own right.) About-to-be-divorced Renee wanted to team up with newly-divorced Bree and hit the club. Bree was initially hesitant because she still liked her handyman Keith, but when she learned he had a girlfriend she changed her mind. The scenes between Renee and Bree were the funniest parts of the episode. Everything from Renee’s crack about Bree being dressed for a tour of the Ronald Regan library instead of a club to a casual “Jersey Shore” reference (neither wanted to be the grenade) was gold.

I was also ok with the fact that Renee mercilessly pounced on Keith, even after finding out that Bree liked him. (These two don’t know each other that well. They’re not friends. Renee isn’t obligated to back down.) Soon after, we got a reminder as to why this show isn’t called “Reasonable Housewives.” Bree struck back by flipping her plunging neckline dress and accentuating her (fake?) boobs. Renee seemed to get the upper hand by getting Keith to take her home, but Bree countered by going (golf)clubbing all over her sprinklers and drawing him out.

Bree eventually asked Keith on a date, but Renee stated that her new hobby was going to be to take Bree down, so stay tuned. Most importantly, Renee is already integrating herself into other aspects of the show. (She didn’t share a solo scene with her college bud Lynette.)

Speaking of Lynette, last week her storyline with Tom was WAY too reminiscent of the stuff that was feeling tired when I stopped watching the show a year ago.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Tom has some sort of problem, Lynette tells him to get help, Tom comes up with some off-the-wall solution, Lynette disapproves/tricks Tom, Tom looks stupid, and in the end Lynette wins.

Sure, there were a few tweaks last night. (It was kind of Lynette’s fault that he ended up being prescribed medical marijuana for his depression.) Still, the main point is that Lynette is a kind of a pain in the ass, and Tom is an idiot. I mean, seriously, writers — the guy who owned a pizza parlor for a few years can’t recognize oregano?

The most important difference, however, is that (along with whatever Renee and Tom’s secret past is) the show seems to be hinting that perhaps Tom and Lynette won’t be ok this time.

By that same token, Carlos flat-out told Gabby that the two of them would be through after Gabby initiated a search for her switched-at-birth daughter behind his back. (And after legally agreeing not to do so.)

Gabby had suffered a freak out at a clothing store after running into a girl who could’ve been her daughter and asked her neighbor Bob to find her, which he did by the end of the episode. (Anyone else think this story line is moving in record time?) Carlos, upset about the possibility of losing Juanita, was pissed with Gabby. I’m legitimately interested to see what happens. Eva Longoria Parker’s acting has definitely gone a long way toward grounding (hello eye rolls!) a switched-at-birth storyline.

On a much lighter note, Susan found herself really getting into her new calling as a scantily-clad Internet star/pretend housekeeper, much to the dismay of former top-earner Stacy. The two ended up in a cat fight that allegedly fried the site’s router (exactly how popular is this site?!), but came to a sort of truce by the end. I thought Susan and Stacy would join forces, but instead we got a hint that Susan might be doing this for longer than expected. (Stacy was on her sixth year.) Since Susan is main character — and this is just a light, frivolous storyline — we know that’s not going to happen. Instead, the drama seems to be building towards the inevitable moment when Mike finds out what Susan’s been up to.

Finally, we have Paul. This season’s apparent Big Bad didn’t get a bunch of screen time, instead telling his new wife Beth to attend the ladies’ regular poker game. (The scene with all the main actresses didn’t last nearly long enough.) Beth got the feeling that they didn’t care for Paul, and that was confirmed by Mrs. McCluskey’s revelation that, though he was cleared of killing Felicia Tilman, they still think he murdered Felicia’s sister, Martha. (I’d been wondering why they were frosty myself, so this was good to know.)

Beth seemed surprised by this revelation. There’s been some speculation that she could be the person Felicia Tilman knows in the neighborhood that will help her kill Paul within six months. Beth could be feigning ignorance, but I actually think she’s really naïve. My money is on Keith being Felicia’s inside guy.

So what’d you think of this episode? Has Fairview always had a club where 20-somethings go? Why were there so many pre-teen Hispanic girls in that store at the same time? (I get that it was probably Gabby’s mind playing tricks on her, but it was still funny.) Finally, what tricks can you do with a vacuum cleaner?

Desperate Housewives: Young is Restless

When it comes to TV-watching, there isn’t much I haven’t done. (I say that with a combination of shame for all the hours I waste watching TV and a weird sense of pride.)

I very rarely abandon TV shows (I stuck with “Heroes” and “Nip/Tuck” to the bitter end). However, one of the things I’ve never done is abandon a TV show…and come back!

And that’s what I’m going to attempt to do with “Desperate Housewives.”

I completely missed the show last year because I forgot to record the season premiere and, with so many shows starting at the time, I fell hopelessly behind. It also didn’t help that season 6 was, perhaps, the show’s least buzzy season, even with a lesbian storyline.

Last night, I caught up with the first two episodes of season 7, and I was mostly struck by how easily I could still follow the show.

Sure, I have no idea why Orson is in a wheelchair now (and since Kyle McLachlan is no longer a series regular, it doesn’t really matter), or why Bob and Lee are now on the outs (which is fine because no one really cares). I can even fill in the gap on the relatively big changes (like the fact that Susan and Mike are now officially poor, according to M.J.)

The new season seems to have addressed the show’s biggest problem in recent years: the lack of a compelling Big Bad. (No offense to Neal McDonough’s Dave, or Drea de Matteo’s Angie.) Sure, if you would’ve told me a few years ago that Paul Young, of all people, would come back to wreak havoc on Wisteria Lane, I would’ve responded with a big fat, “Him?!” (Followed by a prolonged, “LAAAAMMMMEEE.) Instead, I’ve become a fan of the stylings of Mark Moses thanks to his work on “Mad Men.”

The show has previously introduced characters who were tied to the four main ladies (Katherine, for example, was an old friend of Susan’s), but I think bringing back a character that we in the audience have a history with (even if it’s a lukewarm history) is an interesting way to go.

Paul is back and he’s looking to exact revenge on the neighbors he felt abandoned him when he was falsely accused for the murder of Felicia Tillman. It’s interesting that everyone is still creeped out by him, despite the fact that he’s been presumably cleared of murder. (We, of course, know that he murdered Felicia’s sister.)

It’s early, but I like what I’m seeing from this storyline so far. I like that I don’t know what Paul’s plan is. I really like that the woman he married while he was in jail never really expected him to get out. (That can’t end well.) And I LOVE that Felicia Tilman all but guaranteed he’d be dead in six months time. (I’m not sure how, but I’m inclined to believe her.)

What’s really interesting is that the show may have a second Big Bad on its hands, in the person of Vanessa Williams’ Renee Perry. Once again, the show was smart to introduce a character who has an existing relationship with one of the Housewives (they learned from the Betty Applewhite fiasco). It’s good to see an actress who can go toe-to-toe with Felicity Huffman (Doug Savant is still great, but Tom is basically a puss). It was obvious from the beginning that Renee would be sticking around for the long-term, and I’m interested to see how her character becomes integrated with the rest of the cast. (The scene with Williams and the other Housewives in which Rene insulted Susan’s jewelry was a good start.)

The reason I’m tentatively referring to Williams as a Big Bad is because I’m generally wary of her thanks to her fantastic comedic villain years on “Ugly Betty” and because it was revealed that she and Tom share a secret. (I can’t be as simply as the fact that they slept together back in the day, right?)

It seems like Williams will soon be interacting with Bree for the attention of Brian Austin Green’s aggressively shirtless contractor/handyman Keith. Last night, Bree (who, apparently, is a vehicular homicide waiting to happen) fired Keith because she was having trouble resisting her sexual urges, but ended up asking him back so he can help her rebuild her life/house. This being “Desperate Housewives”, I’m sure Keith has some secrets of his own, but hopefully the show will have some fun with Bree’s May/September romance.

When we found out in the premiere that Juanita is not Gabby and Carlos’ biological daughter, I’d figured the show would get a bit of mileage out of the mystery. Instead, Gabby found out almost instantly following Juanita’s hospital visit after being hit by Bree’s car. (I saw Gabby’s joke about Bree’s family killing all the Juanita Solises in the world coming, but it was still funny.) Another thing that hasn’t changed on this show, is Eva Longoria Parker’s ability to take material that is downright stupid on paper and making it work. When she learned that Juanita couldn’t be her and Carlos’ daughter, Gabby convinced herself that she’d accidentally cheated on Carlos and tried to establish sex-somnia as a valid excuse.

Finally, let’s have a round of applause for the show’s writers for devising a way to get Teri Hatcher in skimpy underwear. Susan and Mike are hard up for money, but their new landlord Maxine (Lainie Kazan) offered Susan a job in which she’d film herself cleaning her apartment in sexy clothes. Yes it’s absurd, but I prefer this silly, harmless storyline over Susan being a completely incompetent doormat, as she has been in years past.

So what’d you think of this episode? Doesn’t Carlos look a little like Kurt Warner now that he’s clean-shaven? How angry would you be with your wife if you found out she was doing what Susan is doing? Finally, what’s Tom and Renee’s secret?

Desperate Housewives: Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?

The problem with this show right now is that it doesn’t have any balls.

Ok wiseass. I know the show never technically had any balls due to its protagonists being females.

What I’m saying is that - for a show that opened with a character blowing her brains out - "Desperate Housewives" has been lacking any sort of strong edge or creative vibrancy for a good while now. Yes, the show still features very good acting (and some bad acting), and its share of funny lines per hour (mostly courtesy of Eva Longoria Parker and Felicity Huffman), but it’s really been missing the great "anything can happen" feeling that is essential to any great (or just entertaining) serialized drama or soap opera.

The five-year leap at the start of this season was an encouraging step in the right direction, but the show eventually settled back into its comfortable, predictable groove - Tom and Lynette fight in every episode before making up, Gabby and Carlos ponder doing something amoral before realizing they’re good people now, Bree acts uptight, Susan falls down and the season-long mystery ends up being stretched out way more than it needed to be.

All that being said, the latest season finale accomplished what every season finale should do - it tied up the loose ends from the current season, while planting the storyline seeds for the next year. Unfortunately, it only excelled at one of these points.

We were all pretty much ready for the Dave Williams/Dave Dash mystery to be over. As a result, a part of us is simply happy to be done with the whole thing, even if the resolution wasn’t completely satisfactory.

I thought the writers threw in a few interesting wrinkles for Neal McDonough to play with. The best one was the revelation that Dave felt somewhat responsible for his wife’s death. Through a flashback, we learned that his wife and daughter had gone out for ice cream on the night they were killed, and that Dave had stayed behind to do work. All this time, he’s blamed Mike and, eventually, Susan for what happened to his family in what was essentially an honest car accident. (They weren’t really drunk or otherwise impaired.) I kind of wish the burden Dave carried around had been revealed earlier.

I also liked that the "I HAD to kill M.J. Delfino" tape fakeout from the promos was resolved in the very first scene (it was meant for Mike to see after Dave did the deed). I also liked seeing Dave’s obvious mental illness dramatized. We know the guy had rage issues and was taking medication, but, for most of the season, he’s come off as more annoyingly sleazy than scary or mentally disturbed. I thought the scene where he got a visit from his family, Dr. Heller and (best of all!) Edie was one of the episode’s best. Ghost Edie brought up a point that I’ve been harping on for weeks - if Dave really wanted to only get revenge, why not just walk over and put a bullet in M.J.’s head. Why would he try to get away with it?!

Dave seemed ready to do just that, until Susan announced the fishing trip was back on. Meanwhile, Mike took time from unenthusiastically marrying Katherine (I think even Lee the sassy gay neighbor was better utilized than Dana Delaney this season) and ran off to save his ex-wife and son. I’ve never bought that Mike ever really wanted to marry Katherine - neither has Susan, and neither have you. That’s why it’s so disappointing to see someone who’s supposed to be as smart as Katherine believe Mike’s unconvincing shtick. Yes, I get that she "Desperate"ly WANTS to believe it, but it’s just making the character more pathetic. At least the character finally LOOKED pathetic, standing in the airport holding those two coffee cups. (Also, boo to that old woman who changed Mike’s message from "It’s an emergency" to "I have to go, I’m sorry" - turn up your hearing aid, grandma!)

Mike reached Susan on the phone and tried to warn her, but eventually Dave got a hold of M.J. and decided to make Susan watch as he reenacted the car wreck that killed his family. Dave claimed it was "poetic", except that it wasn’t. Again, what Susan did was an accident - what Dave was doing was murder. I get that Dave is supposed to be truly disturbed, but McDonough and the writers just didn’t play up that side of his personality enough. Fortunately, Dave somewhat came to his senses after a visit from his Ghost daughter and let M.J. out of the car before crashing into Mike. Mike stumbled out of his truck with just a small scratch and kiss Susan passionately.

Dave sat in his car and flashed back to the night of his wife’s death. This time, he imagined himself stopping his wife from leaving and saving her life. After that was done, Dave was revealed to be alive and residing in a mental institution for the forseeable future. Now what exactly is the point of this? Do we think (and do we want) the show to ever bring Dave back in any sort of prominent role? This storyline is OVER! I know I don’t write for TV, but how much better would it have been if Dave was sitting in his car, we saw his happier alterna-flashback and then Dave’s eyes closed and he died right there? He’d be reunited with his family in his own mind and we’d still get closure on the story.

Then again, this sort of ineptitude is typical of how this storyline eventually got botched. (Another example is the overly creepy look Dave had on his face as he drove away with Susan and M.J. that was only there so Mike could act all suspicious. Sloppy.) Overall, I’d call the Dave Williams saga, which showed promise early on, a failure.

Excuse me for spending the bulk of this recap talking about Dave, but that’s kind of how the episode was structured. As far as the other Housewives are concerned, their scenes in the finale seemed designed to set up what’s to come in season 6.

Tom and Lynette did what they do. Tom came up with an idiotic-sounding plan (this week it was going to college to study Chinese) and Lynette passive-aggressively foiled it (she got him drunk the night before his admissions test). I’ll admit I was pretty happy to see one of Lynette’s schemes bite her on her semi-shrewish ass for a change. Tom wanted to learn Chinese to take his marketing career to the next level. (The one scene that featured all the Housewives in this episode brought up the interesting question of why is shooting down your idiot husband considered "bitchiness.") Of course, that’s all probably going to be put on hold now that Lynette is pregnant - with TWINS. I was ecstatic to see that her medical issue wasn’t cancer, and I think the new twins will present an interesting new challenge to the already financially-strapped Scavos. More importantly, these two need to do whatever it takes to shut it down in the baby-making department because, despite their protests, ("but we’re OLD") they’ve still got it going on down there.

On the Gabby-Carlos front, it seems that I got what I’ve been asking for - the apparent return of catty, edgy, conniving Gabby. It’s all thanks to what looks to be a worthy adversary in Ana, Carlos’ niece who moved in with the Solises. We saw that she has the sort of sway over men that a young Gabby probably had (oooh burn!). However, knowing Gabby, there’s no doubt she’ll eventually come out on top in this smackdown. Still, the writers have to be careful here. I’d like to see things be kept lighthearted so it doesn’t turn into a clone of the Lynette/ Kayla the demon child situation. (I liked that storyline, but we don’t’ need a clone.) I also don’t need to see a scene where Ana tries to seduce her uncle Carlos. I would, however, welcome some sort of tension as Carlos inevitably/stupidly takes his niece’s side over his wife’s. Mostly though, I’d like this to remain an intense, but lighthearted competition. Then again, judging by Ana’s former hosts, we might be in for a darker revelation about the teen Versace-wearing terror.

Then there’s Bree, who finally locked lips with Karl in the hottest kiss of the night (sorry Mike and Susan). Orson found out about Bree’s scheme to hide her possessions from him and threatened to have her thrown in jail unless she stayed married to him. Orson is now officially unredeemable in my eyes. I get that Bree is emasculating, but why couldn’t he step up his game and try to rebuild himself as a person instead of whining about how nobody respected him anymore. And now, why would he want to remain married to someone who despises him? I actually cheered when the thug Karl sent to rough him up had his hands around Orson’s throat. At least, their scenes yielded a classic Bree line about Orson being placed in a straight jacket for putting chives in her Parisian salad.

Judging from the way Karl and Bree looked at each other in that church during the final scene, I think it’s safe to say those two are still seeing each other. As I said last week, I love their opposites-attract chemistry. I’m curious to find out what will happen when Orson finds out. I’m even more curious to see what happens when Susan figures it out.

Ah yes, about that church scene. We saw that Mike married, um, someone. My guess is that it’s Katherine. Yes, I know he stranded her at the airport and that Mike and Susan kissed after saving M.J.’s life, but Mike and Susan getting together feels like something that won’t happen until the show is almost over. It feels like the show wants to tease us with that a little longer. Creator Marc Cherry has said the show will go at least seven seasons, and that’s one of the problems I was referring to before. When you don’t know exactly when your show is going to end, you’re a lot less apt to take storytelling chances because you’re not sure how long you have to deal with the consequences.

Although season 6 looks pretty promising based on what I saw in this finale, it ultimately looks like more of the same (and that’s kind of the problem) - funny, solid show, but not really knocking my socks off like it used to, and like it has the potential to do.

So what’d you think of this episode? Weren’t the McCluskey sister scenes a complete waste of time? (There were a few funny moments, but they ended up being utterly pointless and neither of them interacted with any of the other main characters. If their scenes were deleted from this episode, I don’t think anyone would care.) Finally, who do YOU think Mike married? Susan, Katherine or someone completely different?

Desperate Housewives: Face Facts

With one week to go until the season finale, I expected the latest episode of "Desperate Housewives" to really come out blazing and try its hardest to get us pumped for the show’s last original installment until it comes back in the fall.

Despite two wedding announcements involving major characters, this wasn’t really the case. In fact, the housewives were mostly operating independently from each other - the show at its worst, in my opinion - and a few of the storylines seemed to be one-episode wonders (not usually the case when you’re building toward a finale).

All that being said, I actually liked this ep and a big reason for that is that it somehow made me care about the Dave Williams storyline. Kinda.

Ok, so maybe the episode itself didn’t do a great job of advancing the season-long mystery - I’m more intrigued by the computer clip of Dave confessing to M.J.’s murder in the previews for next week’s episode.

Last night we got Dave not-so-subtlely pumping Jackson for information about what he remembered from the nightclub fire since Jackson was slated to be interviewed by the police. Dave learned about Jackson and Susan’s sham marriage and Jackson’s immigration situation after he was on the phone with Katherine and he overheard her and Susan talking about it. Although no normal person would leave a live phone within earshot while they’re having a conversation with another person (either hang up or put the phone face down or out of earshot!) Dave had the information he needed to get rid of his potential problem.

I’m not sure that immigration people would come to a person’s house and take someone like Jackson (who’s not a criminal) away like they’re the police, but then again I’m in this country legally. Either way, I liked the scene where Dave was revealed to be the culprit behind Jackson’s apparent deportation. Although it was pretty obvious in hindsight that Dave was to blame, I like how the camera lingered on Mike for a second before focusing on Dave in the background. It was a shame for Susan - who seemed like she was about to reconnect with Jackson through their fake marriage (an interesting concept) - but this country did NOT need any more men with girly hair, so I’m not too upset.

The reason I thought (for a second) it might be Mike is because the show finally acknowledged what we’ve all known for a while - this fool’s still in love with Susan.

After finding out about Susan’s (faux) engagement, Mike was visibly perturbed and Katherine was (amusingly) ecstatic because Susan was now off the market. A little while later, Mike tried to charmingly ask Katherine to marry him, but it came off more awkward. I don’t so much blame the writers for this as I do the fact that James Denton is an incredibly wooden, charm-free actor. (At least he looks good with his shirt off!)

I don’t know what was more "Desperate": Katherine happily accepting Mike’s panic proposal, or the fact that she’s doing everything in her power (paying Susan’s alimony?!) to keep it intact even AFTER she found out it was a panic proposal. Sure, this is a different Katherine from the fierce survivor we saw last season, but at least Dana Delany is getting SOMETHING to do. Either way, I’m actually looking forward to seeing how this plays out now that Jackson’s (temporarily) out of the picture and Mike is still engaged to Katherine.

However, the thing I’m really looking forward to seeing in next week’s finale (and beyond) is the budding Bree/Karl partnership. When I first heard about this potential coupling - and after watching them last week - I was a little iffy. It kind of felt like the show was randomly throwing these two characters together for some cheap "Odd Couple" laughs.

One week later, I’m totally sold. I liked the 40’s film noir/screwball comedy vibe the two had going in their first scene when Karl convinced Bree to stage a break into her own house to protect her assets. The actual break-in (wipe your feet please) was even better. Finally, the speech at the end from Karl to Bree about how she would never end up alone because she was a great catch was touching - until Karl had to go and "Karl" it up by adding that Bree wasn’t one of the "ugg-os" that was going to end up alone, dead, and eaten by cats.

It really seems like these two are headed toward a hookup, but it doesn’t appear to be happening in next week’s finale, so I’m looking forward to seeing how Susan deals with ANOTHER one of her friends potentially shacking up with one of her exes next season. This also confirmed something I've believed for years: Karl is about 40 times more interesting than Mike. (Thanks for bringing Richard Burgi back, writers!)

Before that Bree is going to have to deal with Orson, who found out about the staged break-in after discovering the storage unit where his soon-to-be ex wife had stashed the stuff. Orson seemed genuinely hurt, but I’m fresh out of the sympathy the show tried to drum up for him in last night’s episode by recalling happier times in their marriage. This is a guy who stole from his wife’s friends to humiliate her, and who tried to get her to quit doing what she loved out of malice. I’m just DONE with Orson (which is too bad, because I thought they were a hilariously WASPy couple at the start).

The other two storylines in the episode didn’t seem to have anything to do with the upcoming finale, but at least one of them was entertaining.

Of course, I’m talking about the ongoing exploits between Lynette and Tom (pictured, left), who wanted to get a facelift to look younger after he had trouble getting a job (Twitter strikes again!) and after he ran into a surgically-enhanced college roommate (yes, Lynette, they were in the same class). As usual, this was a really stupid idea by Tom (why not just Botox?) but it still led to a hilarious sequence when Lynette invited a recently facelifted co-worker named Bruce/Joker who looked like Joan Rivers’ long-lost son. It also led to a touching speech by Lynette in which she called the wrinkles on Tom’s face the "map of our marriage." Then again, the speech would’ve been even more touching if Felicity Huffman’s face didn’t look so obviously pulled back as well. It wasn’t Bruce-bad, but it was still distracting!

Finally, there was Gabby who ran into the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come in a soup kitchen in the person of a formerly rich housewife who lost everything when her hubby died. Gabby was in the soup kitchen to teach a spoiled Juanita (I wonder where she gets it?!) a lesson about humility. Sure, the woman’s story was heartbreaking (for a character we don’t know) and her lesson was an important one for Gabby to hear. However, this was yet ANOTHER variation on "The New and Improved Solises", in which Gabby and/or Carlos (usually just Gabby) act like beasts until they realize said beastly behavior is what led to their downfall in the first place. I like that they’re good people now, but it’s not the most dramatically interesting situation. Give Gabby a storyline where she can use her conniving skills without impunity - at least for a little while.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Susan ever wear a shirt that DOESN’T feature a surprising amount of cleavage? (I guess if you’ve got it, you gotta flaunt it!) Do you really think the writers will have Lynette’s cancer return? (They wouldn’t dare, would they?!) Will Mike marry Katherine? Finally, do you think a regular character will be killed off? (Crossing my fingers for Orson.)

Desperate Housewives: More Than They Bargained For

"I don’t like this show that much anymore."

That was my girlfriend Erica during last night’s episode of "Desperate Housewives" - and I can’t really say I blame her. Despite mostly top-notch work by the lead actresses, the show has felt flat for most of the season, and especially so in the last couple of months as it limps toward its finale.

Of course, Erica’s comment came during the first Dave Williams scene in last night’s episode. In the subsequent 45 minutes, we went on to laugh at Tom and Lynette (the latter has "seen more ceiling than Michaelangelo" during her 23 consecutive days of mandatory sex), MJ (the things that kids does for macaroons) and Gabby (she’s not really ill, you see).

So, I’m kind of thinking the BIG problem is the now-unbearable Dave Williams storyline, which really has infected the rest of this show. As I’ve mentioned before, I was a big fan of the storyline in the beginning (and of Neal McDonough in this role, in particular), but it’s now gotten to the point where it’s mind-numbingly unwatchable. I honestly feel dumb watching it. I mean, if I’m not dumb, why did the director feel the need to pan to that newspaper clipping (prominently displayed on Dave’s countertop) of a drowning accident to blatantly tell us what Dave was planning for his fishing trip with Susan and MJ? (Wait, so you mean he’s planning to drown MJ - AND make it look like an accident?!)

Later in the episode, a couple of detectives showed up and confronted Dave (who was completely back to normal after his meltdown last week) about missing psychiatrist Dr. Heller (who Dave killed). I’d love to tell you more about this, but I was actually in my kitchen making myself an awesome bowl of oatmeal (but no ice cream) and not regretting missing the rest of this scene AT ALL.

By the end of the episode, Dave seemed ready to readjust his target (again!) since Susan has a new fiancé. From the promos, we know that Jackson and his girly hair were going to return and propose to Susan (pictured, left). However, since we know the show wouldn’t give EVERYTHING away in its promos, we knew there had to be a twist. It turns out Jackson is from Canada, his student visa is expired and he needs to get married to stay in the country.

Despite the fact that this is unfortunately the exact same plot of the upcoming Sandra Bullock movie "The Proposal", I felt really bad for Susan after she gave that great, teary, heartfelt speech about how lonely she’d been despite trying to be a strong independent woman. Of course, (since this is Susan) that was eventually followed by hi-jinks as she chased Jackson out of the house with a plunger. Eventually, Susan agreed to the plan, since it’s pretty clear she still has feelings for him, and he’s willing to crash on the couch and not have sex (ah married life) for the time being.

At least, Susan can get a guy to fake-marry her. Last night’s episode was all about the characters on the Lane bargaining to get what they want and opened with an amusing sequence in which a Desperate Katherine had bribed MJ to pressure his dad about when he was going to marry her (well played). Last week, Mike made a point to stay completely silent after Katherine said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, so I was happy to see the show follow up with this.

Eventually, Mike confessed that he loved Katherine, was NOT in love with Susan (yeah, right) and just was NOT looking to get married. It’s just been a tough year for the underused Dana Delaney. Now her on-screen character seems to be biding time until Mike goes back to Susan. Although Mike and Katherine have almost no chemistry together, I was still glad to see the show explore this interesting issue. He thinks, "We’re together and we’re happy, so why do we need to get married?" She thinks, "We’re together and we’re happy, so why don’t you want to marry me?"

Fortunately, a couple that has GREAT chemistry was exploring another interesting issue. As usual, Tom’s heart was in the right place (working hard to get intimacy with his wife), but he ended up coming off like an idiot (making sex seem like a task or work). Tom was trying to have sex with Lynette for 30 straight days (making it to 23 is NOTHING to be ashamed of), even going to her office and (very quickly) doing the deed during one of her conference calls. Eventually, Lynette learned that the only reason he was obsessed with the streak was because she was the only thing Tom is passionate about. (Aww.) Oh wait, he meant that because, with grown kids in the house, there’s nothing else for him to do. Thankfully, he already got the pizzeria out of his system, but, judging from next week’s promo, he seems poised to move on to - facelifts?!

Gabby and Carlos, another solid couple, had to deal with six-year-old Juanita, who’d taken to emulating her mom’s makeup on the cover of "Commotion" (huh!) magazine. All of this would’ve been a little easier to buy if the actress playing Juanita didn’t look like she was 12 years old, but I rolled with it. Carlos had the (not bright) idea that Gabby could go to the upcoming Latino Businessman of the Year Award gala for Carlos (what WAS the competition for that honor?) sans makeup. Of course, Gabby couldn’t help herself and eventually plastered on makeup (Asian woman, close enough) for a newspaper photo shoot.

Though this lead to a touching mother-daughter moment (and the gala scene was funny) this was all pretty dumb. Here’s a little tidbit from the John Ceballos School of Parenting: six year old girls CANNOT wear makeup, while ADULTS who are going out for the evening to a fancy gala and posing for a newspaper photo CAN wear makeup. No gooey life lesson. End of story.

I’ll just mention Bree’s storyline very quickly since we didn’t get very much last night. After realizing that she can’t be a good person in her impending divorce with Orson (how bogus is it that he’d get half of her business?) she hired Susan’s ex-hubby Karl as her lawyer. By the end of the episode she’d bribed MJ to let Karl’s psychotic son attend his sleepover and Karl agreed to take on the case. However, last night seemed mostly like a setup for what’s to come, including a rumored Bree-Karl romance. Ick, "romance" doesn’t seem like the right word for those two - let’s go with "hookup."

So what’d you think of this episode? Why do Dave’s plans always have to be so elaborate? (If he’s really that crazy and angry, just have him walk up to whoever he’s going to kill and put two bullets in their head - now THAT would be shocking and interesting.) Were you glad to see Jackson back? (I’m glad Gale Harold is ok after his serious accident, but I thought we were kinda done with Jackson, and having him back just so Dave can kill him seems pretty weak.) Finally, how good were the child actors last night (the kids who play MJ and Juanita)? (If only the actress playing Juanita looked anywhere near six years old.) The adults better watch their backs.

Desperate Housewives: Change of Plan

It’s not easy to get over the death of a loved one.

Ok so "Desperate Housewives" isn’t exactly real life, and Edie Britt wasn’t exactly a "loved one." What I’m trying to say is that, after last week’s solid-yet-momentum-slowing tribute to Edie, the show had some trouble getting back into the season’s storylines and back into its groove.

Then again, maybe the problem is that some of the current storylines weren’t that good to begin with.

I’ve never been a fan of the Orson/kleptomaniac storyline, so I was a little disappointed to see the show lead off there. Turns out the (latest) woman he was trying to rob was an elderly lady named Rose Kemper who was taken to the hospital after witnessing Edie’s crash and became convinced that it was Death who’d come after her. (I guess, in her belief system, Death wears a ski mask, covets knick-knacks and can be vanquished by a baseball bat.)

When Katherine relayed Mrs. Kemper’s story to Bree, who was in the hospital visiting Orson, Bree knew her hubby had lied to her again. Orson had claimed that he’d hit his head after going for a walk, falling and hitting his head on the curb. The fact that Bree believed this obviously-BS story in the first place is the main reason I hate this storyline.

I understand Bree WANTING to believe her husband after all they’ve been through. However, the overly harsh and dark turn Orson has taken (I still say it’s a "Desperate" effort to give Kyle McLachlan something to do) is now having the unfortunate side effect of making Bree look like a gullible weakling. It’s too bad, because I really liked the Bree/Orson, uber-WASPy pairing for a while. Thank goodness for bitchy Andrew, who’d expressed immediate skepticism about Orson’s decision to be "happy" and had put a divorce attorney on speed dial for Bree to apparently use toward the end of this episode.

Meanwhile, the season’s major mystery had a mildly surprising twist, but still ended up feeling like a missed opportunity.

Dave Williams was in full-blown depression mode, causing his neighbors to worry. First, Mike tried to reach out to him (bad choice since he’s the unknowing object of Dave’s rage). After that, Susan (the object of some viewers’ rage) gave it a shot, leading to a funny sequence in which she became convinced that Dave was suicidal after seeing the gun from his hunting trip. She proceeded to confiscate every possible item from a potential Do It Yourself Suicide Kit (knives, belts, ties) before getting pulled over for talking on a cell while driving (Katherine, on the other hand, uses a Blutooth). Unfortunately, the picnic basket of death sitting was in plain sight on the passenger seat and she was arrested.

I also think the show ALMOST did something interesting with Dave. Was he this upset because he caused Edie’s death (that’d be the second wife he’s lost) or because his plan didn’t work? I would’ve liked to have seen this explored.

Eventually, Susan opened up to Dave about knowing what it’s like to live with guilt. Dave felt guilty about causing Edie’s crash/death, while Susan felt guilty about being the driver in that fateful car accident a few years ago that killed Dave’s family. Earlier in the episode, Mike and Susan had a meaningful exchange about the crash and how they did "what they had to do." At this, I perked up thinking that the show would maybe have two of its most popular characters involved in something unseemly. (Maybe one of them was driving drunk? Maybe Dave’s wife was still alive after the crash, but they fled the scene?) Perhaps it would also help explain to me why Mike and Susan broke up in the first place. (I’m only a little ashamed to say that I STILL don’t get it.)

However, what really happened turned out to be disappointingly safe. Susan was driving the car, but the couple pretended that Mike was driving because Susan didn’t have her license. Just when I thought the show was about to do something edgy and maybe have Susan, its most innocent, lightweight character, do something dark, the writers chickened out. Too bad. On the other hand, Depressed Dave is gone, and Creepy Dave is back and apparently threatening to kill M.J. as a way to punish Susan.

While those two storylines continue to slump forward, I’m enjoying a new one involving the show’s best actress (Felicity Huffman), the show’s funniest character (Gabby) and the two most interesting male characters on the show (Tom and Carlos).

As much as I like watching the lead actresses do their things in a group setting, I liked getting fresh pairings last night. We’d gotten a hint of Tom the homemaker dishing with Gabby a few weeks ago, but last night the two teamed up so Gabby could stage a coup at her Garden Club (which featured a disappointingly high amount of gardening for Gabby’s taste). All that was tossed aside when Tom was a little too receptive to the attentions of neighborhood slut Patty (who I guess inherited the title after Edie’s death).

I’d liked Tom earlier in the episode as he worked out his biceps to desperately get his overworked wife’s attention, and I felt bad for him when she showed little sexual interest in him. However, by the middle of the episode, he’d gone back to acting like an idiot (as usual).

Still, it’s not like Lynette is completely blameless. After Carlos had come to pick her up for work, she slipped, hit her head in the tub, and Carlos lugged her unconscious, naked body to the bed. Since Tom had freaked out about Lynette using Carlos’ office shower, she thought it’d be best if they didn’t share this little anecdote with him. Of course, everything came to a head in a disastrously funny dinner party between the two couples. Like Carlos, I liked that Tom and Lynette still care enough to get jealous. I also liked the subtle reference to the Solises improved relationship - Carlos had shared the Lynette bathtub story with his wife - a lot more than earlier episodes when the writers would stop just short of pulling out neon signs saying "Gabby and Carlos are good people now!"

This storyline could’ve been a one-episode thing, but Carlos’ mildly sexual-harassment-y comment about liking what he saw from Lynette means this one might be around for a while - which is ok by me. Unlike other threats to these two marriages (John the Gardener, Rick the Pizza Guy) I think it’s interesting that the potential infidelity will have two Housewives squaring off against each other.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you happy or disappointed to hear Mary Alice back as the dead narrator? (I was disappointed - I understand that Nicolette Sheridan is done with the show, but, from a dramatic point of view, it just doesn’t make sense for Mary Alice to know and have opinions on some of the newer characters. Writing the narration from a different character’s point of view would’ve been interesting.) How long until Mike and Katherine break up? (Could he have been more freaked out by her "I want to spend my life with you" declaration?) Finally, there’s no way Carlos and Lynette are going to do anything, right? Right?!

Desperate Housewives: True Britt

If the show wanted a flashback-heavy hour to celebrate its 100th episode a few months ago, then they really should’ve used last night’s Edie-centric installment.

If you recall, I was in the minority in that I kinda hated previously-unseen/outta-leftfield handyman Eli Scruggs and the emotionally manipulative 100th episode. Besides building a milestone episode around a completely new character, my main problems with it were that 1.) Eli was ridiculously, unrealistically saintly and that 2.) it wasn’t believable that a man who had such a big impact on the women’s lives (he may have saved the life of one of Lynette’s sons) had never even been mentioned before.

Last night’s episode was very similar in structure — each of the Housewives (except for Katherine) recalled a personal moment where Edie Britt touched their lives. However, the main reason THIS flashback episode worked for me was because it revolved around a character we actually knew and cared about (even if you hated her) and doubled as an effective tribute and farewell to said character.

Of course, the episode wasn’t perfect. I realize the show’s writers don’t want to dance on a (fictional) person’s grave (or urn, in this case), but they definitely flirted with some revisionist history by almost making the character a little too saintly. (Edie was the reason Lynette got the courage to fight cancer? Edie happened to be the reason Bree finally decided to support Orson in prison?!)

Overall though, the episode did a good job of not compromising the Edie character we all knew (she was still sleeping with other people’s husbands in these flashbacks) while revealing a side of her we never got to see. It’s a side that HAD to be there to explain why, despite all the drama, the rest of the Housewives (kinda) remained friends with her all this time.

We first saw how Susan and Edie had met and I liked the twist that Edie’s biggest nemesis on the Lane was actually her friend at first. Unfortunately, Susan severely disapproved of Edie’s homewrecking ways. More importantly, I think there was an element of Susan shooting the messenger in the dissolution of their friendship since Edie was the first person to tell her that Karl was cheating on her. (I kinda wish the episode had explored this a bit more.) Of course, Edie eventually sleeping with Karl may have also contributed to the dissolution of the friendship.

Up next, Lynette relayed a story about how she had been feeling sorry for herself and weak due to her cancer (Katherine cameo!) before Edie took her to a bar to do tequila shooters and play pool against a one-armed-man. (Why aren’t more oncologists using this treatment?) While I don’t completely buy that Lynette would become so meek and defeated, I liked the detail of everyone in the bar knowing Edie’s name. Also, Edie being the one to whip Lynette into shape makes sense since they’re, arguably, the two strongest, most plain-talking women on the block. (Bree is too passive aggressive and Gabby is too scheme-y.) It makes me wish Nicolette Sheridan and Felicity Huffman had had more scenes together.

Bree followed with a far-fetched story about how she found out that Edie had been regularly visiting Orson in prison during her banishment. While it was mildly amusing to watch Bree interact with the gruff female prison guard (she may as well been a different species to Bree) and Kyle McLachlan was more effective in his brief, sad scene last night than he has been in his ridiculous kleptomaniac storyline recently, this just didn’t work for me. I liked that we got a quick glimpse at Edie’s life during her “banishment” from Wisteria Lane, but this mostly felt like the writers stretching for a way to connect Edie and Bree. (They also kinda stretched to connect Edie with Lynette, but that felt more plausible.)

By contrast, I can totally see Edie and Gabby going out on the town (pictured, right) and getting into a competition to prove who the hottest woman on Wisteria Lane was. (Susan didn’t make it on the ballot, unfortunately). Gabby won (couldn’t either woman just grab a bunch of swizzle sticks from the bar) and was promptly abandoned at the bar by Edie. When Gabby caught up with her, instead of getting in a predictable screaming match/cat fight, the two had a heart-to-heart in which Edie revealed that she’d always known that she was going to die before the age of 50.

If you thought this was also a little too dramatically convenient, I can absolutely see your point. However, I think it was kind of perfect.

It helps explain Edie’s consequences-be-damned, live-for-now attitude. It explains her obsession with staying young(ish)-looking (she wasn’t ever planning on making it to 80). On the flip side, this was a rare private, bare-your-soul moment between Edie and Gabby, so it makes perfect sense that Gabby wouldn’t run out and tell the rest of her friends. If Edie had said something like “I’m going to kill myself”, then Gabby would look like an idiot for not telling anyone. However, the intimacy of the moment is consistent with why Gabby wouldn’t ever tell anyone until Edie was dead and she was holding her friend’s urn during a road trip.

Susan, Lynette, Bree, Gabby and Mrs. McCluskey were on their way to deliver the news of Edie’s death to her son Travers (still a stupid name). This led to the least effective part of the episode, in which Mrs. McCluskey tried to tell an angry Travers that Edie had COMPLETELY abandoned him as a baby because she wasn’t ready to be a mom. I get that Edie supposedly made this noble sacrifice for her freakishly rapid-aging son, but it still felt hollow. I mean, wasn’t there any way for her son to live with his dad and for Edie to still be some kind of presence in his life? I guess it was the one flashback that made Edie look bad — but I don’t think that was the writers’ intention. To be honest, I would’ve been happier if it had been revealed that the reason Travers hated his mom was because she named him “Travers.”

Overall, I liked the storytelling structure of the episode — instead of a stick and a campfire, we got an urn and an SUV — and the final scene with the women spreading Edie’s ashes throughout Wisteria Lane was touching, a little gross (I don’t want any Edie on my plants!) and totally consistent with the show (Susan kinda stealing Edie’s thunder).

So what’d you think of this episode? How the hell does Susan stay in shape if she doesn’t know how to cook good, healthy food (microwave burritos don’t count) AND she doesn’t like to run? Did you think this episode was an effective goodbye to Edie? (It kinda made me wish that Nicolette Sheridan had been given more to do recently.) Would you like Edie as the new dead narrator? (Yes, please.) Finally, who wants to be the first to buy Susan a thesaurus? (“One of a kind” CAN be boiled down to one word, Susan. Have you heard of the word “unique”?)